Freedom is the release of control…
I thought this was a beautiful add on to my tale Serenade of the Boogie Monster. This allows all to see both sides of the story as well as the transformational aspects that occurred and are still in process. As with everything in life the path to enlightenment and expansion is never ending. Each step we reveal new aspects of our self and we see those in our lives through our new eyes. Our lessons are put before us so that we may expand personally but also so that we may openly share and have empathy for our brothers and sisters. It has always been through story that we learn.
I as the husband in this story would like to share my side and also take the opportunity to explain what I have learned. Perhaps in doing so some of the regret I have will wash away. I am still doing the work of discovering my particular issues referred to in Kabbalah as Tekkun. I have had a sense of not being good enough, not worthy, a very common human trait. Kendal had a very special spiritual/sexual love connection with her first lover. They where to run away together and he disappeared and left her devastated. She quickly turned to me wounded. For me it was as if God had handed me an Angel. The life partner I had been dreaming about. I could not believe she had chosen to love me and I felt like I could rope the moon. Neither of us understood at the time how much of a needs based relationship it was. The problem is anytime we are getting our needs met by someone else, if they stop filling them there is a feeling of loss. We humans when we feel loss strive to get it back, to get that need filled. This is where control comes in, what once was free we need to take. We take through manipulation, guilt, fear and sometimes physical abuse. Looking back this happened very early on in our 18 marriage and it is still happening today as my desire to be close to her causes her to feel controlled. Back to the story. My needs and insecurities increased by the fact that I compared myself to her first lover. He was taller, had a bigger penis, a better connection energetically then we ever had. I tried to make up for it through performance, to fix it. I would get her to love me more by making more money, taking romantic trips, fucking her harder and deeper and lasting longer. None of this worked of course. I would fantasize about our friend having sex with her, the two of us having sex with her. His penis was bigger so maybe he could please her and I wanted her to be pleased yet this surfaced all my insecurities. I could see and feel the energy she had with him. I needed to be the one to please her. My need would not be met, or would it? She was not open enough to talk about it and it would have brought my negative ego control issues to the surface like an atomic bomb, so she lied. I knew she was lying.
“Chaos is what we’ve lost touch with. This is why it is given a bad name. It is feared by the dominant archetype of our world, which is Ego, which clenches because its existence is defined in terms of control.”
An absolute energetic relationship death. We continued on in this dead end disaster for 13 more years before her soul had had enough and she did what she had to do to heal herself and turned to Tantra, Kabbalah, her soul guide, and other men in a desperate attempt for freedom. I am sharing this in hopes that someone reading might be helped and get understanding. I want everyone to know how proud I am of her and how thankful I am that she had/has the courage to strive for soul integrity. She is and always will be my spiritual teacher. We can’t go back in time yet as I work on my healing I reflect on how different it could have been had I the courage 13 years ago to do the work on myself. To open up to Tantra as a spiritual path and also to polyamory. Looking back the only thing wrong with my fantasies is that I wasn’t emotionally or spiritually strong enough to handle it. It’s a matter of consciousness. I look around at relationships and can see and feel the pain these control issues are causing. I am looking forward to having many lovers as I continue to heal and grow my consciousness. I hope one day to be lovers with Kendal again knowing all the negativity that would have to be released because I would not want her to live out of soul integrity to fill my needs. I can desire her love open and free but I can not need it. Currently I still feel loss, needs unmet. There is much work to be done so here is my shout out to the world, stop the insanity. Do the hard work. It’s going to be really fucking hard and your demons will surface, but the world needs you to do it. Dive in the water is cold but you get used to it and it is why we are here. To heal, love openly, grow, expand love, expand ourselves.