Monica’s Tale of Overcoming Death

Monica was a woman that most would envy. She was physically very beautiful by many people’s definition, she was independent, had done well for herself. She worked hard, seemed to have the respect of her peers and always sported a stunning smile. No matter what was happening in her life, no one would ever know it because Monica was always a radiant light with tons of energy to give and she loved helping others. She was a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend and she seemed to have it all in order. However, as the saying goes, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Monica, as intelligent and radiant as she was, was a woman with a shattered soul, a broken heart and found herself facing her inner demons on a daily basis. Today was no different than any other except today Monica sat on my couch revealing exactly what her inner world haunted her with. There she sat, eyes watering, twisting her hands in nervousness, tapping her foot and catching herself to breathe. She was well practiced in turning inward and locating that place of stillness, she had learned it many years ago as a child and she went there often in her adult life so that she could appear to be the rock that she perceived she needed to be for everyone in her life and world. But today, today that rock was breaking, and she wanted to share her pain. 

 

“Kendal, have you ever pondered your own death?” she started the conversation off with a glance in my direction before looking down at her hands and sighing. 

 

“ The reason I ask is because I do. Frequently. Actually daily. I get lost in the ideas of how freeing it must be to just let go of this world. To let go of all of the pain. To know that you can’t hurt anyone anymore and you cannot be hurt any longer either. Ya know?”

 

She went on with tears forming in her brilliant green eyes, “It’s like every morning I find myself asking, why am I still here? I look around and all that I see is a wreck of a life. I see all that I could have done, could have become, and I am met by this stranger in the mirror shortly thereafter who is empty and lost. This monster who has stolen everything from me. And then I realize that this monster is me. I am scared. I am tired and my body hurts some days more than my heart. I realize that there is no amount of love or attention that can patch these holes or get me to see differently, the very thought of someone even caring seems like a joke to me. I am a smart woman, well-educated and logical. I can see that I am writing this piss poor story and that I am being a victim to life. I get it. However, it seems that every time I focus on living from my heart, from the space of believing that I can make the changes I need to make for me and my family, something comes along not moments later and causes chaos. Knocks me off my horse and just proves that there is little to no reason to even try. That I am not strong enough to make the last change, to prove myself to anyone. Least of all myself that I am worthy of living. Worthy of love. All I see is this wounded, disgusting victim who is best off if not dead just making peace wherever she can and ignoring everything else.”

 

All I could say to Monica is, “Wow! I relate to everything you just shared. Thank you for your truth and vulnerability. It takes a massive amount of courage to not only see all of that inside of the self but to allow yourself to express and feel it. I have been in your shoes a few times over. I have wanted to pull the plug on this thing called life and not believed that I was of any value anymore. I have felt this level of lostness and been prey to the nasty cycle that you describe here of wanting for more, finding a taste of hope and only to have it ripped out from your fingers. Plummeting you down deeper into the well of nothing. You are not alone Monica. Your fear, pain, suffering and all your beautiful emotions are all normal.”

 

The reality is that life is mostly about suffering until we release ourselves from the bondage and chains of our ego. You could say that we have this parasite attached to us. It is a shadow, a ghost in the darkness that we are not frequently aware of, it makes us believe that it is us. That its attitudes, fears, anger, hatred and jealousy are just who we are. It has us believing with ease that its voice screaming at us in our head is our truth and that we should listen to it at all cost. It points out everything that we fear. And it is great at shining a bright spotlight on everything that we do wrong in its eyes. The ego serves a purpose, a purpose to protect us, to give us a space to go to when we do need to go into war and fight for ourselves, however just like the untamed hungry stray dog, it must be chained or kenneled and fed a strict diet. It must learn its place and the rules. No matter how much it barks, wines or growls, we cannot let it become our master, instead we must recognize it for what it is and make it our servant as it was originally designed. 

To protect.

 

The sad reality is that in today’s world we have lost the old teachings of this protector. 

We have cast aside the ideas and use its name light heartedly. 

We disregard its image in our daily life and we allow the illusion of what we have been taught to believe is us to stand firm without question. 

Giving our egos the keys to our kingdom. 

And making us servants.

 

Monica, like so many of us, found herself lost in the shadows of illusion cast by her ego. 

Believing that the pain that she felt was hers to bear without question. She freely shackled herself because she wanted to do what she perceived and was taught was right. She wanted to be a “good person.” 

 

Responsible. 

Caring. 

Compassionate.

Trustworthy.

Honest.

Giving. 

Kind.

 

She valued these things and she held herself accountable to them. 

The pressure this unrealistic perspective of perfection had put on Monica, however, was taking its toll and her body was screaming at her. 

 

The body is an amazing place. 

It speaks only truth to us and keeps records at a cellular level of all of our life. 

It calls out to us, if we will only listen, trying to guide us back home to our truth, our soul and heart and what is in alignment. It whispers and points us in the direction that we need to go, constantly alerting us to the times that we have allowed ourselves to fall into a slumber of ignorance and belief that the ego is us. 

 

The body keeps score. 

 

And Monica’s body had set up a whole boycott rally all for her well-being project that she was not even aware of. 

 

She just assumed that the migraines were caused from allergies, medicines, and lack of sleep. 

She thought that stress was the only contributing factor to her restless nights, her inability to sit still in her own mind. She believed that if she just worked a tad bit harder, did just a little bit more at work, in her marriage or made sure that her children were just a little more cared for that the stress would subside and with it the headaches. 

 

The left side of her body was falling apart, her joints were weakening, her limbs ached no matter the healthy foods she ate, the supplements she took, the yoga she did. Nothing seemed to help. The pain just worsened as the weeks went on. 

 

She found herself in pain during sex. Intercourse hurt from penetration forward and often even foreplay did not feel anything more than stinging. As much as she loved her husband and wanted to be with him, it was hurting her and the last thing she would ever admit to was just this. What sort of wife would she be to take this one pleasure away from him. 

 

Fearful of orgasming, as it had become a normal event that when she did allow herself this pleasure that her head would feel this exploding pressure and pain. She would find herself not wanting to move from the pain and could not open her eyes as the slightest light felt light a knife was being driven into her skull. 

 

Her blood pressure was high despite the fact that she was in good shape and health. 

She suffered from anxiety on a daily basis and her body ached like she imagined a ninety-year old’s must with bad arthritis. 

 

Her hormones were off and even though she was but thirty-seven, she wondered if she might be going through early menopause. 

 

All of this only supported Monica’s trials and fascination with death. 

As she shared more and more layers of her being with me, every now and then she would look up and smile, as to say…” Don’t worry about me, I will be okay. Believe me. See I am smiling.”

 

But that is not how these things go. 

The body will not let go with a simple fake smile of all that it is holding onto. 

Just like no matter how much we forgive and try and forget or move past, the memories of our past are an eternal trigger until we learn what we need from them and truly forgive ourselves for allowing the suffering in our lives. 

 

Monica was here on my couch this very day because she knew that she was at the end of her ability to move on without a supportive hand. Without the resources that could take what she had become so familiar with and make it unfamiliar. She was a highly intelligent woman, and she loved her family fully. Although she sat here contemplating death, I knew that the fact that she was vocalizing this to me was her reaching out and saying, “Show me there is hope.

“Tell me that I am worthy of love. Worthy to keep living, that I am not a burden.:

 

Granted no one can make us believe these things. 

These all come from deep inside our being. 

We have to hunt for these treasures, and we must face the valley of the shadow of evil. 

The valley of the ego. 

The very land that will tell us that there is no reason to continue, and we must laugh in its face and know that we are comforted if we lean heavy into our truth and call out the ego for what it is, a stray wild dog, hungry and thirsty, snapping our ankles because it has nothing else. 

But we can stand tall and drink the water of this life by just seeing our radiance. 

Seeing that our humanness is what makes us so special. 

So great. 

It is by giving ourselves grace and compassion that we let go of the shackles. 

It is by stepping in faith that God does not create unworthy things that we unlock our highest life potential. 

And by just surrendering to the possibility that what we have believed is our truth is actually a fable. Created by the greatest storyteller ever known. 

 

The ego. 

 

Here, here is where we get to witness ourselves. 

And we get to wash ourselves clean. 

 

So many people today are suffering, looking for just a string of hope. Fearful of tomorrow, caught in yesterday. Although we may not all put on makeup to cover these truths up, we still all somehow find a way to hide behind a mask, seen as a smile, seen as a resting b*tch face, seen as aloofness, or perhaps just humor. No matter the mask, you know who you are, and if you look within you may meet the wild dog that you believe is you, that you try and tame through constant feeding it your fears of tomorrow, but I tell you this my sweet friend, you will never overcome this monster until you are willing to see it for the entity that it is, and that it is not you. 

 

And when you choose to do just this…

 

It will not have power over you unless you allow for its lullabies to lure you once again into its fictional tale of your life. 

You have the power. 

You are the master. 

This is the truth. 

 

As Always. 

Stop Existing & Start Living

Kendal Rene’

The body does keep score. Science is constantly revealing the emotional-physical links to disease and other body ailments. We have been taught to ignore our bodies, to disregard these vital life-giving messages and just accept our physical pain and suffering as normal. However, this is not true. You can live a life of vitality, feel years younger and be able to process trauma, stress, anxiety and other conditions with ease and without having to replay the records that anchor in these disease-causing issues.  Explore my Canvas, Core, Integrate 10 Series NOW to experience a truly aligned you. Ready to conquer the next year with passion, stamina and joy.

 

Why Women Give Themselves Up In Relationship.

“ Why did you come home a different path than what you normally do?” Stew asked Rachel before she could even get her car door closed. 

 

“ You are over 15 minutes late and how many times have I told you that I don’t like that? Hmmm…You are so stupid. I can’t trust you with anything. I hope you had fun on your little adventure on the way home.”

 

Rachel could feel her heart racing. 

The tension in her chest, the nausea rising. 

Your stomach was upside down and in knots. 

She felt worthless, stupid, and as if she always messing everything up. 

It could have been a nice evening at home. 

They could have just enjoyed dinner, a glass of wine and chilled watching their favorite show, but no, she messed it up yet again. Stew always made her aware of her screw ups and how disappointed he was in her. He was good at making sure that she held the blame for the “bullsh*t” as he called it, and made sure that she was aware of how little trust he had in her and that she was nothing but a stupid child who needed constant reprimand. 

 

“F-ck You!” Robert yelled at Sally as he slammed the door shut. 

“You are my wife. You should not disrespect me like that.”

 

Sally breathed deeply, trying to keep her composure as she finished getting ready for bed. 

She knew that if she took too long that things would get worse for her. She also knew that if she raced out after him that he would only yell something else and potentially get physical. So she breathed, let a few tears fall, looked herself in the mirror and told herself, ‘Everything is going to be okay, we are going to make it through this.” Then walked calmly as she could with her knees trembling out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where Robert had planted himself on the far edge of the bed, eye’s closed and obviously disgusted and ready to attack. Sally sat down on the bed next to him and said, “Honey, let’s talk about this. I just wanted to know what you wanted with the video, it made me feel uncomfortable.” Robert sprung up off the bed in a rage, yelling…

 

“You are my f-cking wife, you don’t need to know what I want with anything. I can do whatever I want with pictures and videos of you.”

 

Sally sat still as can be, looking down at the bed. 

She knew that she could not say anything else. 

Or be accused of not loving him, not caring, disrespecting and so much more. 

 

Tyson leaned in grabbed Steph’s long hair and pulled her back so that he could whisper in her ear. They were in the thrawls of sex and it was getting really heated. He pulled her head back, wrapped his hand around her hips and said, “You are so f-cking hot. You are so wet. I want to see another woman going down on you. I want to see her enjoying you.” Steph felt a moment of panic in her body, tightness crossed over her breasts. Her heart began to ach. She did not want to wreck his fantasy but she was the furthest thing from aroused at this idea. Tyson loved to “talk dirty” and he loved to paint images of wild and risky events in her ears during sex. Steph hated it all. She just wanted to be with him. Every time Tyson spoke of other men, women, threesomes and moresomes, gang bangs, and risky locations she found herself in a state of fear. She could no longer feel pleasure or be present there in the moment with him. And she did not want to burden her husband with her silliness as he called it when she tried to share that she was not into these things. He always would  paint the tale and then tell her that he could tell how turned on she was from it, that she wanted it. If she said anything different then he would get angry, stonewall her for days and only tell her that she was so closed down and disconnected from herself that she could not even tell when she was aroused. But he knew. 

 

These are all true stories!

These are my clients of the past. ( names changed to keep privacy)

Women who shared with me the deep pain that they went through consistently in their relationships. The stress that these things put them under and now here they sat before me wanting to unravel the mess that had been taught to them, that they had somehow started to believe was true. 

 

Now one might wonder how can anyone believe something of any of these natures if it just is not so. It is obvious to the outside reader of these tales that these are women who are being abused emotionally, physically and mentally. You might say they should just wake up and get a divorce, save themselves. Not always that easy and everyone has their own reasons as to why that is not always on the table. Most of the time the woman in this instance believes that she is responsible for how her partner is treating her and that she even has it coming. 

 

Ingrained in her psyche from the earliest of years, the majority of women are taught to look pretty, be kind, always put others first, keep the peace and do what is needed or expected of them. 

 

These teachings support the nature of the feminine fully to be peace keepers and nurturers. However they do not support a healthy relationship container, nor a healthy individual. 

 

Women suffer from depression, anxiety and other stress related disorders more than men do across the board. 

 

Upto five times more women suffer from such ailments as TMJ, hormone dysfunctions, migraine and an array of autoimmune disorders than men. Over fifty percent of women surveyed in multiple studies said that they suffered from “high stress levels” and that their stress has increased immensely over the last few years where only one in four men said the same. 

 

70% of women claim they don’t orgasm during sex. 

A striking 60% plus claim that their male partner has forced sex on them even after they said that they did not want it. 

It is an understatement to say that that only 60% of women have been sexually violated at some point in their lives, and almost that many have also experienced physical and/or emotional and mental abuse as well from a male close to them. 

 

These acceptances in relationship start in a woman’s youth. 

The expectations that she is taught from age three forward. 

Her relationship with her father, brothers, uncles and other men. 

How she is looked upon, the remarks made, and then the constant awareness that she is responsible for the actions, words and even thoughts of the men that come into her life. 

 

She is trained to care at all cost for the man in her life. 

To sacrifice her own needs and boundaries even. to make sure that he is happy and satisfied and she is taught that if she does not do this that it is to be expected to be “punished.”

 

In today’s world of feminist rights and movements, you would think that these ideas would have been put to rest a decade or so ago at very least, and they are starting to loosen around the feminine but now are turning toward the masculine where we women are attempting to make right the wrongs by inflicting our pain and revenge on men. However, all we are truly doing is creating more pain for both sexes. We are traumatizing all sides and we are putting all the more stress and anxiety on we women as we believe strong heartedly that all men are toxic. We now undervalue the beauty and strength of the masculine leadership, logical minds, ability to nurture in their own way and stand true at their core. These characteristics however are only instilled in the masculine if they are raised to believe in themselves and to value and trust the feminine. Our men of today and of the last few decades have been raised by a scorned feminine. They have witnessed the pain of both sexes and they do not know where they stand or what it means to be a man in our world. 

 

There is truly no safe haven for man or woman in todays world. 

And we have all been raised by victims. 

 

So where does this musing of today take us?

What is the take away that I want for you to gain from this message here?

 

First, I want to share that my above client stories all came to me because the men wanted change for their relationship and woman. Although, none understood what they were truly asking nor what they would get, they were the leaders of the change. They were the ones who said, “Something has to happen here. She needs to find her power, her self-love and worth.”

The women, most of them would have chosen to remain in the same shoes, to not cause a stir in their relationship. They would have sacrificed the rest of their years on this planet not initiating, not speaking their truth, staying the peacekeepers that they were and having limited confrontation. Because that is how a woman thinks and believes. 

She does not want to fight. 

She wants everyone to just get along. 

 

And she will deal with herself, 

Her emotions and fears, 

Her negative thoughts and her broken heart most likely in the parking lot of the grocery store. Alone. Parked and crying until she feels spent and able to move again. 

 

Next, relationship…. All relationship is about power. 

There is delicate harmony to the dance of power, and intimate relationship all the more delicate because it deals with the heart. It deals with our hopes and dreams. It is the one space that many will do what they would never do anywhere else. They will speak the cruelest of words to one they hold so dear because they know that they can get away with it. They will say yes when they are hard no because they do not want to be a disappointment or let the other down. They will accept so much less from their partner and take more on for themselves. And they will do all of this good and bad alike because of their positioning in the relationship and how they have been taught. You see, its all a cookie cutter thought process. Its about what we will accept for ourselves, how we value ourselves and what we have been taught to believe and look for in the opposite sex. 

 

Unfortunately, none of this is healthy. 

None of this has anything to do with love of our mate. 

It only reveals how we view ourselves and what we will accept. 

It shows our scars. 

It shows how easily we will give ourselves away in a multitude of ways and even let our health be destroys all for the attention and approval if only for one second in time from another. 

 

These men, who brought their wives in to “get fixed” all said the same thing in their consult. 

“ I love her. I want her to see how powerful beautiful and radiant she is. I want her to speak her truth even if it hurts. I want her to know that I support her.”

 

However, as the women learned to speak their truth which is where they found their power and self-love and worth, the men found themselves being told the truth more and this caused more pain, more confrontation, fights, anger, rage and sometimes trauma. Some of these couples are no longer together. The men discovered that as amazing and hot as it sounds to be with an empowered woman who will tell you the truth that they could not bare to be with her any longer, they wanted something less testing in their relationship. They did not want to hear her pain, her disagreement, her thoughts. And the women discovered that they needed a man that was willing to truly listen to her as well as himself. They discovered that they required and deserved a man who was willing to work on himself as well and valued her for all her feminine tendencies instead of looking at these natural characteristics as betrayals or disrespect. 

 

And the couple who made it through this edgy space of healing?

Well they discovered who each of them were. 

They learned how to communicate without violence. 

They learned how to stop blaming and jumping to conclusions. 

They learned how to remain present in the issue and moment with each other. 

And above all else, they learned to let go of the need to be right. 

To be seen or understood, even by their partner. 

And that they were never going to fully heal their wounds of the past or overcome the triggers associated with them, but that they could inquire into the self as, “how does this support our relationship right now and what can I do to better hear my partner?”

 

If you take nothing but this last line away with you today, then that my dear reader is enough. 

 

Know that you are worthy. 

You are whole and enough.

And it is always okay to make mistakes, 

You will not get it right all the time. You will not always stand strong in your word even. 

Some days you will fall great distances. 

Because you are human. 

And so is your partner. 

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

 

  • Kendal Rene’

 

INTIMACY, CRAZY EMOTIONAL WOMEN & THE IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIPS.

🙏Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself.🙏

 

This is a powerful quote to ponder from Osho.

 

” I stood in the bathroom, scrubbing the bathroom sink, trying to change my outlook. Attempting to calm my ravenous emotions that seemed to be hungry wolves out to kill and destroy what I valued most. Heart racing, gut churning. All I could envision was the worst case scenario and I knew that once again I would be standing alone in life. Certain that the emotionally turbulent seas that I found myself in, my boat crashing upon the shores of my fear, my trauma, my knowing that I was going to mess up yet again and push away love was without a doubt right before me.

 

I had let him in too close.

That was the issue.

I had fallen hopelessly in love with this man and now I had something to lose. Making me lost is an internal sea of fear and lack of worthiness.

 

The more unworthy I felt, the more lost, the more pathetic and all the more certain that THIS was the moment that he would say goodbye.

 

I was being an emotionally unpredictable woman.

I was crying out from my hormonal pit of despair.

Haunted by all the ghosts in my closet and terrified that I could not express my heart.

That he would not  see me, feel me, know me.

Only wanting for these things.

Wanting for HIM to be like no other man before, and fight for me.

Even though the fight at this moment was with me.”

 

Women are emotional creatures to say the least.

Women’s hormonal balance is oh so delicate.

I used to think that it was a bunch of bull bunk that women used to get away with shiz, and it certainly can be. However, so much causes hormonal turbulence and I can bear witness and experience to you that when we women tank on all the “good vibe” hormones we crash into  our own darkest seas and fear our very existence.

But that is another tale for another day.

 

Letting a man into this emotional space,

This space where we often run and hide from our own inner demons and devils is vulnerable AF!

We women grow up learning that men cannot handle this space and that they DO NOT desire a woman who is emotionally up and down.

 

For the most part on a man’s list of qualities desired in a woman you will find in the top five that men want “drama free” or “low drama,” for a woman to be “emotionally sound” and sure AF not “crazy.” Because every man has been with crazy at some point and this is scary to them with good reason.

 

The one minor, not so minor issue is that ALL women have their crazy moments, their hormone raging moments, their deep dark depressions, fear and emotionally unsound feelings.

For the most part if all is well with the woman, you will find that the typical cause of these events is STRESS. You can say she should learn to manage that. Or get some hormone replacement. Get laid…and so many other things. Positive thinking and planning does not always help the stress situation. Sometimes a woman cannot see past the dark clouds of her own inner storms. Trying to be rational causes even more stress  in these moments. Trying to be positive causes anxiety.

 

The issue of stress on a woman’s body, mind, hormones, emotions and thus relationship with self and then life and partner is unbelievable.

 

And the feeling of loss is detrimental.

Only creating a greater whirlwind.

 

David Deida speaks about how a woman will test her man to make certain that he is stable at his core and can support her.

He also makes mention often of “standing in her fire.”

This is what he is speaking about.

You see we women in these moments are only witnesses, or mere onlookers ourselves when the fire comes down and we start to rage. It is like we see it happening, part of us is screaming, “No… no… just stop! Shut up! What are you doing/saying? We don’t mean that. Or want to hurt you and us like this.” However, that part of us, that internal witness has been muzzled in these times and we find ourselves hijacked by our pain bodies, our trauma, our fear of loss of not being good enough or being too much. And self-destruction wins. The fire burns and if a man is willing, if he truly loves his woman, and IF he is strong in himself then and only then can he stand in her fire, this fire.

 

🔥AND IT IS A FIRE OF INTIMACY.🔥

It is a fire of her allowing him into her inner realms of fear, of pain, and trauma. Where she wants nothing more than him to grab her, hold her close and say, “I got you. We are going to make it through your pain and fear. I am strong. I am here.”

 

This vulnerably deep space of the feminine that no woman today wants to express out of concern for being called another crazy woman. Of being dropped like a hot potato. Of not being strong enough to just not have these feminine storms.

 

I means sh*t its 2021, we should have evolved past this emotional nature and hormonal imbalances. We should have our sh*t in order, be able to take something to calm our nerves and make us more manageable for ourselves, our relationship and for life.

 

Many women do just this.

Mask the emotion.

Pharmaceutical drugs.

Maryjane.

Alcohol.

Sleep agents.

Work. work. work.

Masterbation and porn.

And many other sidetrackers.

Typically combinations of these above.

 

Of which none actually deal with the cause or are helpful or healthy long term. They just end up creating a numbness to life and a total avoidance to self.

 

It is us women putting down the fight and in turn fleeing.

Fleeing from ourselves.

From our truth. From our pain and our fear.

And ultimately from our relationship, our love, our man.

 

Have you ever wondered why so many men often say she used to be so alive, excited, vibrant. She used to desire me. She used to smile and laugh. Life has just taken it out of her I guess…

 

Yes life took it out and she exhausted herself trying to hold herself together.

She made a choice between everything else in her life including her relationship and family and herself.

 

As many smart women do and always have done.

They step away from what brings perceived trouble and they put their focus on what will bring harmony and peace. Even if it costs them their “aliveness.”

 

And somewhere in this loss of vitality and truth, they convince themselves that they are happy and they are just doing what is needed.

 

I am going to say something different however!

 

This is why there is so much divorce.

This is why women cheat.

This is why women over eat or starve themselves.

This is why they seem like they don’t care or throw themselves into something that may appear meaningless.

 

👉👊BECAUSE THEY ARE HIDING FROM THEMSELVES!👈🤯

 

and they do not know how to communicate what they need from their partner, from life, or from SELF.

 

They have literally been trained to believe that it is not safe, good or acceptable to be a woman. Yet to be a woman, a sexy, smart, strong, confident, great mom, with a great job, and a great homemaker to boot, is expected, and DO NOT forget emotionally stable ALL THE TIME.

 

👊👊👊Women no longer know their place in this world or in relationships. 👊👊👊

 

I personally thank the feminist movement for this back in the 60’s and 70’s. One great step forward for women’s rights, with a ripple impact that may cause us to be among some of the most lost, sad, exhausted and FAKE AF! women ever known to the history of humankind.

 

Women are not the only one’s paying the price here either.

 

Our men, our children and ultimately our world pays with us.

 

👩Women are the “home”makers.

👩Women are the nurturers.

👩Women are the foundation, the center point to family.

👩And they are the cheerleaders of men.

👩They are the cheerleaders of youth.

👩They are the teachers of respect, compassion, empathy, and unconditional love.

 

Today however…

They still try to manage all of this.

They attempt to be all this.

But with it they also carry the load of the masculine.

They weaken themselves by not allowing support out of fear that if they need support they will not be desired.

That the fact that they are human,

that they are a woman,

that “yeah, they may not have it all put together,”

makes them disposable.

 

And that is the FEAR.

 

WOMEN FEAR BEING DISPOSABLE.🤯

 

And they accept it.

They even embrace it.

That is why they lean heavy into feminist statements and beliefs.

That is why they condemn men.

And take the lead so much.

Because they figure that they will be replaced anyway, so why should they let a man into their heart and trust him.

Share this inner realm with him, open their soul to him.

???????

 

👉Every woman today has been walked out on in some way. 👈

 

Every woman has been raped physically, emotionally, menatlly.

Every woman knows that she cannot depend on this world, on men, and often not on family and friends.

 

We are a broken sex.

A wounded multi-generation.

We have lost our power by attempting to gain it.

 

So what is the answer?🤨

 

IT’S ALWAYS AN INSIDE JOB.

 

👊It always comes back to learning to love yourself, being willing to explore your shadow lands and move past, let go of the trauma and put your attention on the present.

 

👊It’s always about doing the cognitive behaviour work to make the impacting changes required to be able to connect, relate and develop positive relationships.

 

👊Learning how you store trauma and negative emotion and programs in your cellular tissue and what you can do to fully purge yourself from them.

 

👊Wanting as well as being willing to transform yourself and build trust in yourself so that you can trust your man, your relationship once again.

 

👊Seeing your own hold backs and how you self-sabotage is vital to healing any relationship and building trust, love and a willingness to open your heart and soul as well as establish healthy emotional responses.

 

👊Learning how to ask for what you want and need from a partner.

 

👉👉😔WOMEN SAY THEY WANT A MAN, A LIFE PARTNER, BUT THEY ARE TYPICALLY UNWILLING TO WAIVER ON LETTING GO OF THEIR WOUNDS TO HAVE ONE.👈👈🤯

 

My partner asked me in the moment of my emotional breakdown shared above, “Are you going to let your trauma and wounds be a self fulfilling prophecy?”

 

My hurt little girl responded with a scorned, “Possibly, what choice do I have? It already is happening. You are going to leave me, I know you will.”

 

He just stood there.

Unwavering.

Looking at me.

 

I wanted him to grab me.

I wanted him to pull me in close and squeeze all this fear out of me.

I wanted him to build a fortress around me and protect me from ME.

 

He could not give this to me.

 

He could hold me, listen, say he loves me and that he does not want any of that. But he could not save me from my own inner demons and devils.

 

THAT was my battle.

I had to save us, not just me.

But first I had to speak my fear.

I had to share my worries.

I had to see my crazy, emotional rollercoaster for what it was.

NOT TRUE.

 

I share this today with you because I have heard a lot lately about the crazy emotional state of the feminine.

 

I know that we women are hard to understand.

I know that we trigger our men into fear and distrust based on our emotional responses.

 

And that in itself is not healthy, right or emotionally mature.

So I share to awaken the women out there who want to heal, want to have happy healthy relationships and trust in love again.

 

I share for the men out there that look at women and say, ” I love her, I want to be with her, BUT…”

Who find themselves triggered by her emotions, her fear, her doubt, her self-sabotage.

 

Gentlemen, stand strong in who you are.

Do not be intimidated.

Do not fear asking her to come back to herself, like my man did for me. Know that she may not respond the way you want in the moment, but that it will sink in. She did hear you.

DO NOT RUN from her at this moment. That will only create more abandonment and fear, it will convince her that she is right and that you will not fight for her.

 

🤺A woman wants and needs her man to fight for her. 🤺

 

She needs him to help her slay her inner demons and devils.

And he does this through his heart.

She does not need him to fix it or her.

She just needs him to create a container for her to pour her fears into and to see that he is capable of not drowning from them.

She needs his leadership in these times, which comes from his ability to be logical in the unlogic. To be sound, solid yet compassionate in her fire.

 

🤺She needs him to conquer her.🤺

 

That same fear energy, that crazy, the uproar, it is stuck creative sexual energy.  It has been lodged due to stress, fear of speaking truth, programs, beliefs and all the little things that seem like nothing but are so much that she will never fess up to being caught up in.

 

And she NEEDS YOU to help her move it.

She yells cruelties because she wants you to kiss her.

She throws plates and shoes because she wants to be made love to.

She weeps before you because she wants you to hold her heart and see her.

 

She needs your physical strength and support.

She needs your emotional stability with compassion and patience.

 

She does not need you to war against her.

But to have her back in her darkest valleys of self.

 

That’s all…lol

 

Big order to fill.

I get it.

And many men cannot do this because they themselves have not or are not willing to build their own inner realms of strength in who they are.

 

As a society we have broken down men.

We have made them evil for being men.

We have scared them away from leadership and told them “not to control” and we have taught them that leading a family, woman, life path is not good.

We  have weakened our men into boys and we have drugged our women into hiding their feminine.

 

And so I ask you reader,

Male or female,

Are you willing and wanting to meet yourself?

To strengthen who you are?

To know what you need and desire in a partner, in a relationship and are you willing to stand in the depths of healing?

 

Because you see, intimate relationships, committed partnerships do one thing for sure…

 

IT FORCES US TO MEET OURSELVES AND TO HEAL.

as well as to support our mate.

 

My whole coaching system is dedicated and centered around these core things. Learning how to navigate and communicate what you want in a relationship by learning your soul-values.

 

 

As always, if you want to learn if coaching is something of potential assistance and value to you calling in your soulmate relationship or reigniting your couplehood then reach out to me today for a FREE Clarity Call! Where we will start the process of discovery, activation and healing to unite you to SOUL!

 

 

Loving you from here.

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

 

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

A WOMAN’S WORTH…

A WOMAN’S WORTH…

 

Today I woke feeling pathetic, unworthy, as though I have no value to this thing called life. 

I sat here this morning over breakfast doing the thing that I possibly detest the most…

Telling my partner my fears, sharing my anxiety, telling him how he deserves a better partner, how woeful I felt I was and that life did not want to accept me for me. 

I quickly came up with many ideas as to why I was in this state of being from my hormones to a mid life crisis and everything in between, however as the day progresses and I reach out to my mentor to see what insight she might have for me I come back into terms with that everything is just as it is supposed to be as scared as I might feel in the moment. 

 

You see I am in transition. 

I am dieing. 

I know that in the next year of my existence here on earth that everything that I currently know, everything that I currently am, my business, my home, my relationship, my goals will even be transformed. 

 

I feel like Schrodinger’s cat.

Am I dead?

Am I alive?

IDK. 

 

In the midst of this transition I have lost myself in so many ways. 

And as I lose who I once was in all areas of my life, I stand here questioning what will become of ME? 

 

It is so easy to just lean into what the world tells me I “should” or “need” do and be. 

I have done that for years in different ways, and every time I do, sure I learn, I expand, I have success to some degree, but I never feel that unbounded love and appreciation for my life nor for self unless I basically give the middle finger to what society is telling me and JUST DO ME. 

 

Doing me take courage, however. 

Doing me requires that I look past all my fear and failure. 

Doing me means  that I stop worrying and start trusting at a deeper level than what I can even imagine possible. 

To actually KNOW that I am supported and that everything is going my way even though I don’t think so at this current moment. 

 

The THING that I have come to realize over this time of death and rebirth is that we women face some serious struggles around our worth. 

 

What makes us worthy in today’s world?

I scroll through my social media and I see beautiful, strong, intelligent and talented women leaning in on all their feminine magic of the physical. I see women whose messages are powerful, flaunting a little extra cleavage, doing yoga in their g-strings, taking pictures with sultry eyes in bed and so much more. 

 

I hear other talented brilliant women talking about how they need to get married and have a kid so they can have importance in this world. 

To be taken seriously even. 

I see women, striving to look younger and older, depending on what they perceive as desirable. 

Many women turn toward their pocket books, their savings and investments to prove that they are worthy of something more than what they have. 

 

The house. 

The car. 

The money in the bank. 

The marriage. 

The kids. 

The body. 

How orgasmic she is.

Her youthfulness. 

Her wisdom. 

Her education level. 

What  her career is. 

Where she has traveled.

What she does for her community and church or family.

 

These things are ALL what we women of today strive to be 1000% in. 

And somehow we try to do it alone. 

We believe that it is up to us. 

That we have to make it happen or we are pathetic if any of it does not come to fruition. 

And I mean A-L-L of it!

 

The “reality” is that no one can do it all and be successful 100% of the time on 100% of the damn thing that this world’s current society puts into our playfield and tells us that we must get right, do right, be successful in and have. 

 

That’s the most important thing, HAVE.

And that is what our worthiness is based on, what we have or not.

 

We translate this idea of worthiness over to value. 

And we are lacking in any area of our lives, or if we are not top our game, showing up like the bada*s babe that we want to be, we condemn ourselves in some fashion or form. 

We totally forget about the things that matter. 

We forget to appreciate all that we have done and survived in life. 

We forget that we are imperfectly perfect and always a work in progress, AND that, that is okay. 

When we are down on our luck, in a bad mood, wrapped up in victim consciousness, feeling as defeated and lost and as though the most value we provide is to be an ATM machine to our kids and maid (mind you we may be sucking at that too in the moment), that those pampered little brats are here because of our strong AF vajayjay’s and determination. 

 

We went through excruciating pain to bring that pain in the a*s brat into this world.  

 

We forget that the man who may look at us and wonder, “why is she so moody and grumpy, not in the mood today,” is laying in our bed because we made him feel like king of the MF world somewhere along the line and he values our smile, our strength, our loving eyes, and our emotions that tap him into his own inner realms that he can’t access without our tender feminine heart. 

 

We forget that our compassion and ability to  feel in this life is a blessing to all those who entrust us with their fear, suffering, hope, dreams and more. 

 

That our wisdom that comes from deep within, the intuition that we have no reason for, but just know is a gift from spirit. For all of time, the feminine has been considered closer to God, more aligned and open to spirit and the universe than the masculine. So why do we question ourselves today?

 

We women are magical. 

We are powerful. 

We are ONE with the universe. 

But we choose to deny our alignment. 

We turn away from all that is natural and designed for us in an attempt to be masculine and bare all the burdens of such. 

 

No wonder we have a society of beautiful, powerful, intelligent and wise women lost in who they are and what they offer this thing called life. 

 

For where our worth lies….

We do not value ourselves.

 

And until we do…

We will remain lost and always aiming to please the world that  we live in instead of who we are.

 

It’s time my beautiful AF bada*s woman to won your value and worth and know who you really are at a deep soul level. 

 

You have all the answers for your happy ever after. 

You just have to trust that you are supported by who you were born to be. 

 

YOU.

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Existing

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Helping dynamite powerful women like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today. 

 

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM DEPRESSION, FEAR & ANXIETY.

LETTING YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET TODAY, REALLY A VULNERABLE SHARE OF MY TRUTH…
I love to numb out.
When a wave of emotion or “feelings” come my way and I get that tension in my chest or gut, I look at those feelings and say, “Nope, not today!” and I turn and run from them. I find myself aimlessly surfing through my emails, social media, allowing all my boundaries to get crossed by my friends, family, and my partner. I welcome the sidetracks. I might grab a glass of wine or one too many sippers of my favorite whiskey. I find myself standing in front of the pantry, the freezer or fridge completely blank in my stare, but hungry to my core. Avoiding these scary things that are lurking inside of me.
I find myself wanting to shelter myself with whatever measures I can from the storm of depression, anxiety, fear, anger, loneliness, lostness, guilt, or pain that I don’t want to deal with at that moment. Now, as a coach with thousands of hours of training and in office practice on these subjects plus my own healing that I have gone through since I was in my late teen years, I am very aware of how my actions of avoidance are not great coping mechanisms, in fact they are massively counterproductive.
A lot has shifted in the way that I process my feelings about having feelings since I was 18.
I look back at youthful me, immature me and wish I could jump into a time machine and go back and smack some sense into myself. Back in the day, I numbed out strictly through avoidance of life. Everything was overwhelming to me. I literally was scared of my own shadow and walked pigeon-toed with my head hung, looking at just the steps before me. I was blessed and cursed to have a mother who helicopter parented me (although she did that because of her own codependency issues) and owned a clothing store that I helped run. This enabled me to avoid life, people and flapping my own wings all the more. To make matters better and worse, I home schooled. Which got me through high school a year and half early, kept me out of a shiz storm of trouble most likely but also did not teach me how to cope with the real world. The day I went for my first interview I almost passed out. I threw up and dropped into a three year old tantrum saying that I could not do it, that I was not good enough.
Seriously, a three year old tantrum, I am not kidding here AT ALL.
The kicking, yelling, tears, all of it. The whole show.
I recall my mother who had nothing to do with any of it but drove me there because I was too freaked out to get my diverse license. She was just in tears because she had no idea how to help me. She just told me that if I really did not want to go in, that I did not have too. I looked at her and felt ashamed. I was pathetic and I knew it. I did not want to let her down. So I went in, I got the job. It lasted three days, it was cold calling in a little box which felt like a prison. The worst thing I could imagine, spending hours calling strangers, ‘cus that’s what you should do when you have bad anxiety… just push through. And to a degree, yes, facing the fear and push through is the answer,but not without the tools to support. Of which I had zero.
So what did I do with my patheticness and inability to enter the world?
I shut down of course.
I colored my hair jet black.
I went goth, when goth was not a thing.
I cut my hair short.
And then I dyed it flaming red!
I told my mom that I was good just working at the store with her and living with her.
My mother was happy she was not losing her baby girl.
And thus became the true start of me learning how to numb out.
Step one – avoid what you fear.
Step two- grab a glass of wine.
Step three- change your outside image so you can pretend it never happened and you are not that pathetic person any longer. Which is just avoiding the true problem… The problem of self-love and acceptance is creating self-sabotage and the inability to walk strong in life.
Step four – grab the numbing drug of choice (alcohol, weed, food, sex, work, video games, social media, anything that shelters you and helps you to not feel the feelings of sadness and fear.)
Step five – if none of the above work, hide and sleep, praying the world will end or you won’t wake.
I recently read, “When you’re busy numbing out your feelings, your feelings are in the other room doing push-ups. Then, when you’re done smoking weed or watching Netflix or whatever you were doing to numb out, and you walk into the other room, you’re like, Wait a minute. These feelings are worse than they were before. That’s because you gave them all that time and space to do push-ups.” According to Caroline Fenkel, D.S.W., L.C.S.W., executive director of Newport Academy which is a rehab center for teens that deals with such issues as I was having and worse.
This statement is so very accurate and terrifying.
It is exactly what happens.
And it leaves one in a nasty loop of hopelessness.
The overwhelm of not believing that you are good enough, strong enough, smart enough, equipt. Not knowing what to do and not really being able to hear the answers even when they are presented because the anxiety, fear, anger, depression keeps our cognition at a low level. It’s literally like we are three years old and operating from this space of the world being this big, scary place that WILL squish us if we venture out.
Well, my tale only got worse.
I spent my early adult years acting out and appearing to be a crazy chick.
God bless my poor husband at the time and our children for putting up to the best of their abilities with my issues.
Fast forward, I did manage to step out of my comfort zone and get my drivers license when I was 25. I know right… WOW! Big grown up step that was.
Fast forward through some more shiz, a bunch of heartache, fights, tears, losses and lessons, I did manage to get a bunch of study done, certifications in all sorts of psychological stuff and coaching, nutrition, energetic practices, and more. I discovered that I could numb out with being a f-cking fantastic student and I was just that. A quick learner. A great sponge. But then came a few years in my late twenties and up to 30 that I found myself tremendously lost in a deep depression. Mama to five babies. Remodeling a 1942 house in the middle of the Sierra Nevadas in California, no friends, my husband’s family around but I was alone. And I was done with life.
It got so bad that I could not leave my home. I refused to leave. I was convinced with every fiber of my body that if I left the house something horrible was going to happen. My negative self-talk and separation from society and life had cornered me into the darkest space I had ever ventured and it was ugly there in my mind. The feeling of sadness, anxiety, fear, anger and just feeling lost and not belonging anywhere as well as being totally unimportant to everyone including my husband and children overtook me. I shut down. I stopped eating. I stopped consuming anything but alcohol and some prescription drugs that allowed me to feel nothing.
I was wanting out.
And I had been pondering a plan as to how to go about it.
Now, I am not going to get into that tale any further, but God sent in an earth angel you could say to smack me around and guide me back to the light. Back to hope.
What this earth angel did and said is what I truly want to share with you today.
He told me, “Feel your feelings. You have a right to feel them. You are safe feeling them. We all have them.”
And then he told me to pull my head out of my a*s. That this world needed me and my heart.
He reminded me that I had tons of people in my life that needed me and if nothing else to get my shiz together for them.
Then he went on to not enable me in my guilt, fear, sadness or desire to create or cause myself pain and drama. Because that is what we do even though we do not want to admit it, we actually have this little voice in our head in these times that creates plans of how we can do harm to self to prove to ourselves that no one cares, or to create drama to show us that no one will show up for us, because we are that worthless. We have no desire to harm our loved ones, but the end result is that we do serious damage to self and others in this process.
My earth angel refused to let me create such a drama triangle.
He told me that I had to do this myself and that I had a big girl choice to make in my life right now. I could continue down this path and blow up my world and live in sadness alone, because I would push everyone away. That I WOULD PUSH THEM AWAY. Not them leave of their own free will. Or I could do what I was thinking of and take my life, put an end to it and abandon my loved one, destroy their lives. OR…. I could choose to reclaim my life.
Reclaim my life?
Then he shared his own story of being on the ground with depression and wanting to take a gun and end it all and how he was pulled out by his earth angel in the last moment. He told me how he had to relearn himself and find a safe space inside of himself.
I realized that I was not alone and that if he could do it, so could I.
From there I chose each day to feel.
I chose to take the action steps I needed to to support myself and to learn how to fall in love with ME. To accept myself no matter what.
And I learned to stop looking outside of my own backyard for approval and love.
But I had to stop the insanity of running to the 1,2,3 of numbing out so quickly.
I had to learn what my go-to numbing behaviours were and what they changed too as time went on. I had to keep tabs on them and still do, because those behaviours and desire to hide from my emotions and feelings are still with me, but today I know that its healthy to feel ALL OF LIFE. I know that in order for me to feel the ratures of love with my partner and surrender my heart in my partnership as well as be blessed with the joy of being a grandmother and witnessing my now seven children grow, that I am required to feel.
To feel it all.
In order for me to do the work that I do with countless women and couples, I have to be able to tap into who I am and feel the correct thing to guide them, to support them and that I could not do this if I numbed out.
I would be missing my beautiful blessed life if I allowed myself to hide from me.
I also had to learn how to identify my feelings. I actually started a practice of naming my feelings. Getting okay with them. I journaled on them. I felt them. I became friends with them, even the ones that scared me.
For me to befriend even the negative ones, I had to stop judging my feelings. This was tough. I am a super critical soul. But step by step. I did it more frequently. And I still judge them here and there, but I have learned grace and compassion with my feelings and thus myself to allow for error.
I started a practice of inquiry with my feelings, as though they were my therapist or friend. I asked them, “What do you want me to know?” Then I asked myself, “Is that true?” and I kept asking that until I moved past my fear and ego and found my truth.
Then I learned to not hold onto the feelings but to get moving mindfully and safely. Today you will find me doing random things, I clean with velocity, I take a quick paced walk, I ask to go do an activity with a loved one that gets my body moving and if I don’t want any of that, I let the tears roll. I scream in a pillow, I punch my mattress or the punching bag. I move the emotion from getting stored up and creating physical memory in my body.
Nowadays, I teach a lot of sensational talk with my clients. I teach them to communicate what the sensations in their body are instead of what they “think” or have coming up as an emotion. The mind body connection is powerful and cannot be ignored in the healing process of emotional distress.
I created something called the Pause Button and I use this exercise often with my couples that I work with to help them process through what they are feeling and want to communicate but perhaps are not in the right frame of mind or literal space to do so. This came about because one thing I had to learn to get okay with was hitting pause on my own emotions and allowing myself to step away from a situation, person or even the emotions in that moment. I felt like I was avoiding them, but what I was doing was honoring the reality that it was not a safe space to deal with them right there.
Today, one of my biggest coping mechanisms and numb outs is distraction. I am damn good at it. But what is important to realize about distraction is that it is exhausting AF! You can get too much on your plate in a hurry and have nothing left to give to yourself or others. It’s important to be cognitive of this and learn how to say no to distractions when you realize that you are using them to avoid bigger matters at hand or that they themselves are creating more serious complications such as exhaustion. Allow yourself a rest day or weekend.
And finally, realize that if you are among the millions of souls out there feeling like you don’t fit in. You are lost in who you are. Anxiety, fear, anger, depression has you by the balls that its a life long practice to keep yourself healthy and strong. Much like healthy eating and exercise or making sure that someone you love knows that you love them, you cannot do it just once.
Imagine if you told someone that you loved them just one time in the life of the relationship…
How would that pan out?
Exactly.
You have to keep showing up. You have to keep practicing the seemingly hard steps of loving yourself and learning yourself.
Your whole life, my love.
I assure you though, you can make it through.
You can overcome the darkest storms and find shelter not in the numbing but in the love of you.
If this musing was helpful to you, share it with someone who needs some words of encouragement. If you would like more information on how to implement these self-love and acceptance steps and how these steps can lead you to your F-ck Yes! Life and yoru soulmate relationship then reach out to me today. My true passion is bring individuals such as yourself into alignment with their dreams.
You are worthy.
Claim Your Life Today.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Image of me during my fire engine red of lostness at age 17.

HOW TO MANIFEST YOUR GREATEST LOVE STORY OF THIS LIFETIME.

YOU OPEN UP TO A RELATIONSHIP A THOUSAND FOLD DEEPER, MORE LOVING, MORE FULFILLING AND STRONGER WHEN YOU DO THIS…
My heart was broken.
My trust was broken.
I felt abandoned, lost, unlovable and could never see myself in love again at this level. How could I? He was “the one,” he was the one who opened me at levels of my soul I had never touched, my heart shuddered and longed for him. I was ignited when we were together and I felt like I was in heaven.
And when he chose to say good-bye…
I was crushed.
I clung to the idea of him coming back to me,
I could see him knocking on my door and asking for me to forgive him, that he was mistaken. I convinced my heart and mind that our energetic connection was untouchable.
I told myself that THIS lost love was as good as it got.
I had settled on this concept.
The idea of him. Of us. And that I simply had to remain loyal to him by keeping my heart unattached.
This idea grew to bitterness and a deeper sadness as months went by and they turned to years and he never knocked.
But I had built him into this idea in my head and attached such emotion to it that I armoured myself up to everything and everyone else.
I would date.
I would explore.
I even got into a longer standing, seemingly “committed” relationship and the outside world would say,
“She has moved on. She has healed. She is loving again.”
However my internal world was a drastic F-ck No! to it all.
Stuck in the quicksand of yesteryear with my heart still broken and clinging to the idea and the longing of his love.
I called into my life everything that was not for me.
I called in what would soon need to be let go of.
And I blinded myself to the possibilities of something grander than what I could have dreamt of possible with my lost love.
So blind I was.
So stuck, that I missed him.
I missed the soul that was knocking at my door.
I missed the soul that could take me further, carry me higher, expand my heart into the omniverses and beyond.
And I missed him because of my stubbornness and false loyalty to a love that was no longer mine for the keeping.
One day though something happened.
One day I grew so weary of carrying all this pain and fear of letting go that I just sat it down somewhere along the path.
I was done mourning.
I was done being smaller than what I was born to be.
I was done denying myself the love that I wanted, the connection that my soul craved for, and I was done holding up all this emotional armour to protect myself from ever feeling that sort of pain again,
While speaking words to the opposite and saying that all I wanted was my soulmate love.
Rock solid love and commitment.
A conscious man.
A relationship that was based in love and integrity.
A true union of the souls.
Yes that is what I was saying,
while holding up the armour on my heart and soul,
making sure that I could never be penetrated by such a love.
That day, that I sat the shield and sword down,
my heart cried. And with each tear I found myself awakening to the presence of something magical.
There he was.
Yet again.
He had not left me, he had just stepped back,
doing his own work, taking down his own armour,
identifying what he wanted and who he was at his core.
There he was.
And as I took him in with a soft breath in a hug shared,
my heart recognized.
Months passed,
the story built between us,
We danced on the field in this scary land where we were wanting, were recognizing and we were being asked to trust ourselves and each other. Until one day we could no longer deny,
we could no longer hide.
We could no longer use the shielding of our past loves and losses to hide the radiance of what we had together.
With a great senses of urgency we united,
the outside world questioning us.
Fighting against us even.
With each blow the world has given,
the bonds that entwine us grow ever stronger.
And here I sit today,
present to the beauty and the power.
Aware of the depth and amazed in each day how much deeper we go within each other.
As our hearts speak to one another,
our souls smile in the knowing.
Here he is.
Here he is each morning,
and every night,
He does not knock at my door.
No he does not.
But instead he takes my hand and places his heart within it.
Armour down from a day of battle with the world.
We lay together,
we breathe deep into each other,
feeling as though every cell of our earthly being has come home,
Not needing.
Not clinging.
A feeling of fully being seen, being witnessed and with it a desire.
A desire to jump all the way in.
A desire to melt together.
When we set down our armour,
when we let go of the self-imposed bondage of what we feel is lost,
when we let ourselves rise again,
we allow something unimaginable,
magical to form before us.
We allow someone greater.
More aligned.
To love us.
And our souls smile at our coming home.
To all those out there that have lost a great love,
who are clinging to the idea that that was as good as it gets,
that it can never be any more, any better.
No one can love you like that.
That it is not safe to open up to love again,
or that you owe that lost love some loyalty to hold on to it and be impenetrable to all others,
I share this musing today.
Drop your ideas that clinging to what is not yours for the keeping will ever support your desire for your heart’s true love.
It will only block.
Loving you from a scrumptious land,
deep in my heart.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers and Lover’s”
 
Stop settling for your Bullsh*t Love!
You are the only thing that is preventing you from the love, the money and the life happiness that you so want for.
Are you ready to take a deep dive into clearing your sh*t once and for all and openning up to your greatness? Join me for the April Session of Unavavailble for BullSh*t! Reach out to me for deets now or go to
https://kendalwilliams.com/unavailable-for-bullsht-exclusive-program/
 
 
 
 
 

IF YOU EVER LOVED ME.

IF YOU EVER LOVED ME.

 

If you ever loved me you would not let me hurt like this.

If you ever loved me you would rethink your actions.

If you ever loved me you would take the time to hear me.

If you ever loved me you would want to share.

If you ever loved me you would give me closure.

If you ever loved me you would make this all go away.

 

And so many other if you ever statements.

 

Boy, oh boy  do I ever understand the pain of loss.

The pain of break up, divorce, seperation, being lied to and abandoned.

 

I understand how it feels when our worlds crash,

when our beautiful plans seize to exist,

and it all seems like it happens within a flash of time.

 

How can this other person who loves us,

or at least proclaimed that they did,

or at very least said that they cared,

just walk away?

 

How can they turn their backs to us and just keep on living their lives?

 

Don’t they care?

 

And so the story of love and loss goes on throughout all time.

And so our hearts expand and we are elated when those that we love are turned toward us,

and when they are no longer by our side we crash into pain and suffering. Feeling abandoned.

Feeling as though we spent all this time in a lie.

 

It just cannot be so.

It certainly is not fair or right,

and we don’t have it coming to us.

 

Right?

I mean how is it possible that this sort of thing could be of our own doing?

 

“THAT” other person made those decisions,

acted that way, said those things and lied to us,

after all.  We would not bring this upon ourselves.

 

Well I can tell you this beautiful,

YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID BRING IT UPON YOURSELF.

 

One of two things happened.

Your vibe either went up past the other person or it crashed below them.

Either way it held there for a long enough period of time and was a great enough difference in frequency that the two of you were no longer in alignment and thus the relationship had to end.

 

So which direction did you go?

This is actually the important thing to question if you truly give a sh*t about your future and who you are.

 

If you love yourself that is.

And so many people just don’t.

Hope that this is not you though.

 

You can tell what direction you went by looking at your thoughts,

your feelings and your actions.

 

If you are the one who leveled up your frequency then this relationship transition will be pretty smooth and easy. You may be in pain, you may feel a tad lost, you may want closure even but at the end of the day you will recognize that the most loving this you can ever offer someone is space to expand, to be them and to have a beautiful life with or without you and in this case it means without you. That may be a stinger, but a high vibe soul will walk away in love and know that the lessons offered in that relationship were powerful, perfect and have helped them gain clarity in who they are and what they want. A high vibe soul will know that what they need to do now is turn their full attention to themselves and clearing out anything that no longer serves them from within.

 

A high vibe soul will be in appreciation and gratitude for the relationship and the break up.

 

Yep I said that.

Gratitude for the break up,

because they see its purpose.

 

However, a low vibe soul will flounder in pain, suffering and blame.

They will demand attention and stomp around like a three year old having a tantrum. They will act out in childish ways, trying to cause pain in hope of gaining attention from the one they lost. They will not be able to take responsibility for their part in the transition and they will feel as though they simply cannot move forward until the other person does this or that to clear things up for them.

They will focus on fear and they will want the other to feel pain as well.

 

They will not see the growth and opportunity that the transition brings with it, but instead see destruction and attack.

A low vibe soul cannot see past their own ego to find the love that was there in the relationship and still remains.

A low vibe soul is caught in their own inner hell where they will reside until they choose to view life differently and take responsibility for the events, thoughts and feelings that are all thiers. They will be destined to repeat the drama that they believe is happening to them over and over again, where they will mask themselves from their beauty, their core and alignment to God all in the concept that “it’s not fair.”

 

So you see beautiful,

It is very important that you know what direction you went in the transition. It says bundles as to where you are now and what you are manifesting for your future.

It shows just how much love you have for yourself and whether you  understand how powerful you are.

 

Because you are powerful.

You co-created this transition for the purpose of becoming more of WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

 

No matter the direction you went ( up or down in frequency) this fact remains the same.

 

Now the only thing you need worry about is not if the other loved you, or still does, but if you love you enough to let go and thrive.

 

You are so f-cking worthy of a F-ck Yes! Life.

It’s time that you recognize that and see that ALL relationships are here to elevate you, educate you and clarify what you want and who you really are.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to kick 2021 off with a high vibe and call in the relationship of your dreams? Meet your soulmate and know that you really got this? Message me for deet’s on what I have in store to make just this happen and more for YOU.

WHY I DON’T DO BRITH CONTROL HORMONES…

 

WHY I DON’T DO BIRTH CONTROL HORMONES….

 

And WHY I don’t believe that any conscious woman should.

 

Say what?

That sounds crazy right?

Birth control is a smart thing.

And science has created a way for us to take charge of if we have children or not. There are so many options in today’s world from a multitude of birth control pills, shots, films, sponges, rings, etc. etc.

 

Not only are we protected 99.9% from unwanted pregnancy but we also can have clearer skin, lighter periods even fewer periods and have certainty as to when our flow is. Something that can get altered when you are not on hormone based birth control.

 

Birth control puts the woman in a power position for sure.

But here is the thing…

Before you string me up to crucify me and say well Kendal, no wonder you have seven children, you don’t do birth control. I want to share a few scientific things with you after my intimacy share on my seven children.

 

You see many years ago, like 29 years ago I was fifteen years old.

I was a virgin. Never even been kissed. And I had regular periods that were always on time, I had clear skin because I have always been conscious of the food going in my body, my skin’s health and hydration. So no pimply faced girl here, even back then.

AND there were zero boys in my world.

But my mom, being a concerned mom for her little girl that was becoming a woman took me to the gyno and told me that I needed to get on birth control to….(ready for the silliness…)

 

Get my period regulated and help with my skin, limit my breakouts.

 

My argument was that I did not want chemicals in my body when there was no reason for them.  And the reasons given made no sense for all that I already shared that my mom knew clearly.

But mom said, so I did.

 

But I started taking birth control pills regardless of the facts.

Of course not long thereafter a boy popped up in my world.

And after a year of dating we had sex.

Unprotected sex because I was on the pill, so we had nothing to worry about.

We had a ton of unprotected sex.

Because there was nothing to worry about.

And no one bothered to inform me of anything different.

Condoms were known of,

they were spoken of,

but no one made a big deal out of them,

it was all about the pill.

Time went on and the boy and I broke up.

I quickly ( like 3 months later, quickly) found myself in bed with a man, who would become my husband shortly thereafter. We moved quickly into sex, unprotected sex because we had nothing to worry about, I was on the pill.

Well life got crazy, and I missed a pill.

Not knowing that I was fertile myrtle, I ended up pregnant right off the bat from one missed pill.

Welcome to the world child #1.

After birthing her, I got back on the pill,

one month I developed a bladder infection and took medication for it that canceled out my birth control but the doctor did not warn me and I was young and undereducated, and so welcome child #2.

Then… then I got smart…

I decided to get this new thing called the Depo Shot…

and my marriage was unhappy as hell so I ended up cheating on my husband, well the Depo Shot had no clue how fertile I was, because somehow someway it did not work and welcome child #3.

I had no clue what had taken place and my doctor suggested that I go on this other new birth control pill because it was to be really good, AND it supposedly would not cause the weight gain, the mood changes or fatigue that I was getting from the Depo Shot…

and so I did.

Well life got stressful again,

and we moved residences, we fought horribly, we moved again, and somehow in the midst of the chaos I ended up pregnant again.

Welcome child #4.

I grew tired of all the keeping track of four children under 10 and the pill that had to be taken at the same time each day or it would fuck up, plus my moods were no better. I was feeling lost in myself.

So I went back to the Depo Shot, thinking that maybe after all these years it got better. At very least I only had to deal with it once every three months.  In the midst of depression and despair I found myself on the Depo Shot, 30 pounds heavier then what I should be and pregnant yet again with child #5. The doctor could not understand how I could get pregnant two times on the depo shot without any medication interference, but it happened.

And THEN my husband had had enough….

 

He got clipped.

And I got off ALL hormone based birth control.

And you know what happened?

I found myself again.

The weight dropped off with ease.

My mind cleared.

My mood stabilized.

My periods were not as fierce and painful.

My immune system improved.

I felt so much better.

but now I had one massive issue.

Every time I had sex with my husband,

my body rejected the sex.

I would break out in a burning mess.

My pussy was pissed at the experience.

And I was not wanting anything to do with him.

I was unattracted, turned off and could not bring myself to even really be willing to go into any sexual experience with him.

At one point I even thought I might be allergic to his semen.

And so that thought led me down a path of discovery.

Turned out that we women can be allergic to a man’s semen.

Also turns out that hormone based birth control has a major impact on a woman’s immune system, and moods.

And do you want to know what the most astounding tidbit that I discovered was and is the MAIN REASON why I am sharing this post… the main reason why I do not take it and instead preach condoms… (outside of the sheer fact that the birth control pill does not protect against disease of any sort)…

 

“…contraceptive pill use alters mate preferences, women who had taken hormonal contraceptives while meeting their partner and later discontinued their usage (as many do when they wish to conceive) may feel disenchanted with their initial partner choice. Indeed, the use of hormonal contraceptives may not only affect initial partner choice but also have unintended consequences for women’s relationship satisfaction if contraceptive pill use subsequently changes. Prior studies have provided evidence for this hypothesis, indicating that women who had used hormonal contraceptives when they first met their partner and then ceased to take them experience lower levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction5 and are more likely to get divorced….” (Gurit Birnbaum, Ph.D., is a professor at the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology, the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya. Psychology Today)

 

I believe that any conscious woman who wants to develop a truly loving and connected relationship with a man should be aware that if she is on a hormone based contraceptive that she is most likely not getting the right reading of the man.

 

It has been my discovery since the days of birth control and myself that my attraction is opposite to what it used to be.

 

After all we get into relationships not just for the purpose of starting up a family or getting a dad for our kids from our previous relationships. Typically we are looking for love and connection. We are wanting long term satisfaction, happiness and attraction to our mate. So why not create the most conscious space for it. A space where our body wisdom can be heard?

 

Of course that would also mean that we would have to be willing to want to hear it.

And even more importantly it would require all of us women who desire to be standing strong in our personal power to also be willing to speak our truth and ask for our needs to be met around sex and sexual practices more, instead of just spreading our legs and letting the men in our lives do as they want unconsciously.

 

It would require us to speak up about safe sex.

It would require us to value ourselves enough to not just ask but demand that protection be used,

and if we are truly not wanting to have any children to have the conversations with our partner(s) around this.

 

We are not taught as a people to have this sort of real, open relating. We are not taught as women that we can ask and even demand that our bodies be respected as we choose.

We are not warned of the possible and common complications that can impact our bodies as well as our desires and psyche from such things as contraceptives, but we are taught as women that it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to make sure that we take care of that fertility thing.

 

I for one wish my mother had never stolen this right from me. I wish that my body had been given the opportunity to fully mature without extra hormones and all the issues that it has been known to cause on an undeveloped female productive system. I wish that I had been better educated in my youth about sex and sexual health and rights. I wish that someone had been there to guide me better and give me the option as to what to do with my body and explain everything instead of pushing me down what was considered normal and healthy, responsible.

 

At the end of the day,

The most loving and responsible thing we can do for ourselves as women and for the men we choose to do relationships with is to come into that relationship as OURSELVES.  Not altered by chemicals.

 

For the same reasons it is not a healthy practice to have sex drunk or under the influence of drugs,

we should not be having sex under the influence of hormones that are not of our own bodies design.

 

Perhaps we would find that more people would be happy in the relationship choices that they make.

Perhaps more people would not go through all the depression and lostness if they could be authentically themselves.

Perhaps more women would not be labeled “CRAZY” if they were not being bounced around by pharmaceuticals in the pursuit to make pregnancy all the woman’s responsibility and take away the responsibility of the men to be conscious of their bodies, their control and health.

 

Perhaps.

 

Just random thoughts from a mother of three daughters of her own. 

A woman who values her relationships with men, and wants to only get involved with those that are authentically “right” for me…

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Time to claim your truth is beautiful.

Time to say yes to valuing yourself, to loving yourself and knowing who you really are.

But in order to do this you have to desire to fall in love with the real you.

And if you are looking for love and success,

but wonder why it is always just out of grasp then maybe it’s really time for you to explore your truth.

From sexual health choices to learning your authentic yes and no,

you have never been told its okay to be YOU.

 

I am here to reveal to you that it is more than OKAY.

It is your duty to your happiness to do just that.

 

Reach out to me to discover options for coaching today.

THE ABSENCE OF WHO I AM, REALLY SUCKS!

THE ABSENCE OF WHO I AM, REALLY SUCKS! 🤯🤯🤯

 

Hating on self?

Or maybe you say that you don’t hate yourself.

You don’t dislike yourself even,

you are just frustrated.

Irritated.

Down on self because you are not feeling great in your skin.

 

And I get it.

I truly do.

We all go through these times.

 

And hey here is a little secret for you….🤫

I am currently in one of those moments in life where I am a bit down on myself. I am not in this moment in love with my body.

I am not in love with how I am feeling in my own skin,

and I am having issues looking myself in the mirror.

and even feeling sexy.

 

I sorta feel a bit grossed out by myself.

The way I got here is not really important.

And that is a tough concept to get through our human minds,

because we want to have our reasons, we want to analyze and figure out the reason behind the problem.

But that will never get the solving that we desire of the problem.

Because we are stating that we have a problem to begin with instead of just letting go of all this self-judgement and turning back to our truth.

Now it is important to be aware of habit changes,

of sabotaging thing that we have introduced into our lives,

into our thoughts and emotions,

that may be contributing to the support of this self-disgust.

The reality is that you can say that you love yourself all damn day long but if you are not loving your body enough to get it moving and consuming healthy foods, staying hydrated and getting enough sleep,

plus if you are choosing to stay in toxic relationship that are not feeding your heart and soul,

and you are not leaning into YOU…

then you simply are lieing your f-cking ass off to yourself about loving yourself.

 

You have to fall in love with yourself.

You have to own up to your power and stop making yourself so damn small.

Stop fearing the impressive, expansive person that YOU ARE.

 

And that my love is why you are so full of this yuckiness to yourself.

👉The reason that you don’t like yourself is because you’re not up to speed with yourself. 🛸🤯💃

 

You got that love?

YOU WERE BORN TO BE MARVELOUS.

You were created powerful, worthy and came into this world knowing such,

but it got stolen from you by the “good” lessons that your parents and the adults in your life taught you,

what society and school/church showed you,

and you started to believe that you were not powerful, worthy and abundant.

 

You started to believe that your light was dim.

and this means that you let go of being marvelous.

And that my dear was YOU.

 

So now the absence of you, really sucks!

It really does not have you feeling your best.

You are struggling to look into the mirror or make eye contact.

You are feeling frumpy and negative,

hating on your fleshy suit and hating on who you have allowed yourself to become.

 

When the answer to your problem…

if you want to call it that…

cause us humans love to solve problems, right?

 

Is that the reason that you are not liking yourself,

let alone in love with yourself ( an me too here),

is because you’re not ALLOWING yourself to be yourself.

You have cast your truth out.

 

And you sit back in your disgust over who you are right now,

and you maintain powerful focus on what needs to change, needs fixed, where you f-cked it all up at.

 

The worst thing that you can do though is just this.

Holding yourself in focus and finding a critical thought about you.

Because that action,

that manifestation that you are creating,

 

TAKES YOU AWAY FROM WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

 

And you are powerful AF!

You are deserving.

You are beautiful and strong.

You are courageous and loving.

You are intuitive and caring.

You are worthy and abundant.

 

That is who you are.

That is what you are to be living, RIGHT NOW!

 

And it is up to only you love to take yourself from this absence of self and get the f-ck lined back up.

Synchronize to your TRUTH.

YOUR SOUL.

 

GOD.

Here is where you will fall in love with you and become mesmerized by staring into your own eyes,

lost in the sea of you.

You will be captivated at your heart and your beauty and you will not just think that you are worthy,

you will KNOW without a doubt that you are,

because your soul knows.

Your souls never has questioned your worthiness or your power.

That is why you are feeling so bad love,

because you are questioning what your soul deeply is certain of.

 

And when you come back to YOU and who YOU REALLY ARE,

well that is when whatever the problems you are having with your body and life right now, will just wash away with ease.

 

Time to start loving on the most important person in your world wouldn’t you say?

 

And STOP trying to be all this or that for everyone else that is not you.

 

With all my love, beautiful.

Remember Who You Are.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to know more about living an abundant life?

Want to know the secrets to overcoming these little obstacles that can turn into mountains if left in the corners of our minds and rustling around in our energy? Reach out to me about my Asskickery Month of Private 1:1 Global Coaching now, where I will share with you how to overcome and have success in one subject area of your life in the next 4 to 6 weeks.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.
Goodbye.
To you and you and you…..
“So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night
I hate to go and leave this pretty sight
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu
Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen.
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye
I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye
Goodbye!
I’m glad to go, I cannot tell a lie
I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly.”
THAT’S IT!
And so we must part.
And part repeatedly we do.
Yet you long to hold me here in this moment,
forever captured by your desires.
But, neither of us can expand as long as we hold so tight.
Our power, our freedom and happiness,
comes from letting go.
Each moment that we are alive,
we are always transforming,
expanding or shrinking,
longing to be close, to merge and entwine,
or push away and fly free in who we are in the moment.
Goodbye feels permanent.
It is like the feeling of death, is it not?
And so we strive to avoid it.
We fear it.
And we try our damndest to make sure that things remain the same.
However in our attempts to keep all the same,
we destroy the beauty of our lives,
of our relationships,
we squash what was so dear.
And we then sit back and wonder why we feel such suffering.
We question why things went the way they did,
and why those that we wanted to hold precious to us turned and walked away without notice.
The answer my dear is in your desire to control.
To prevent your own pain.
You fear goodbye.
You fear transformation.
You fear your growth and the expansion of others.
You are living so far from your truth and from God in this moment that you cannot feel the love that is in store for you.
Love does not fear change or growth.
Love knows that this is an attraction based universe,
not a universe based on exertion and force of your will over everything.
Love knows no suffering.
Love never feels alone or jealous.
Love does not point fingers of blame and hatred.
Love does not look for reasons to not be love anymore but in turn become anger or drama.
There are things that we can be certain of in this life of ours.
1) All things change. Movement and expansion is a guarantee.
2) Everything is energy and operating at a frequency of its own.
3) You attract and keep in your sphere of vibration ONLY those things that are the same frequency, all other things will cause disturbance and cause separation between you and them.
Put simply,
Goodbye simply means that the energy was no longer there.
And goodbye is one of the most beautiful blessings that we are given in our lives.
It allows for all parties to be true to themselves if open to it.
We get what we need from the time spent together and then when our energies no longer connect ( vibe at the same frequency) we are set free from the engagement.
This is far from a sad event.
No matter what we are speaking of, may that be an intimate relationship, a friendship, a job or career, a home or car, etc.
This letting go of anything is only creating an opportunity for ALL PARTIES involved to move forward toward their highest and best version and experiences instead of being forever trapped with something that no longer serves their best self.
Can you imagine being trapped as a twelve year old you? Just held in all time as that version of self, with all the bondage that you most likely felt from family and society? Having longings and desires, wanting for more but knowing that you would never be able to have any of it because here is where you are eternally?
Sounds like hell, right?
And your suffering would be far greater than that of saying goodbye to your greatest love even.
Every moment that you are living.
Every person that you come in contact with,
every thought that you think and feeling that you have.
Changes who you are.
And you are never the same person you were just moments ago.
Therefore you are always saying goodbye to a version of you and to a version of whomever you are moving through life with.
Although these changes are subtle,
over time they transform us.
And create the energy gorge between us and others.
Our holding on to old versions of self and of others only causes damage to our souls expansion.
Because it creates separation between our TRUTH which is linked to God, and our life experience ( what we are perceiving here and now). This is where our anger and pain will stem from.
When we are feeling such anger and pain, blame, jealousy, worthlessness and fear we are being offered the gift of realization that we are NOT IN ALIGNMENT TO SELF.
Self is God in essence.
God consciousness moving through us.
Spirit. The divine.
And to be aligned to self,
knowing self which is pure love,
shows our alignment to God.
We cannot be aligned to God when operating from ego/fear.
And this causes constriction in the physical body and world ( our life experience).
We will start to experience chaos,
negative events, frustration and suffering.
Signs of separation.
You are powerful.
We all are powerful and worthy.
And we access this power through letting go in love not fear.
We reconnect ourselves to self and God by looking the demons of fear in the eyes and telling them to be gone,
that they are not our truth.
They are not of God.
They are not of self.
And we turn our focus to love.
To appreciation for EVERYTHING that was shared with us in moments past.
We focus in on the beauty,
the expansion and the greatness of what we have learned.
All relationship…
All relationships transform and change and say goodbye.
We all will say goodbye to each other in big ways and small ways in this lifetime.
Nothing is forever.
It was not designed to be such,
and you would ultimately not be fulfilled and happy if it all remained the same.
Look at your life,
at those in your world,
in your vibrational sphere.
And ask yourself,
” Am I holding onto this energy in love or fear?”
“Am I grasping for it wanting to control it? Or am I breathing into it and allowing it to wash through me, whirl around me and carry me to my next highest level of self?”
One is ego based.
One is aligned to God and self.
You get to choose your path and write this chapter of your novel.
What does this chapter close like?
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to explore the soul’s code to love, happiness and abundance? Reach out to me for my Asskickery Month of Coaching Special available globally 1:1 NOW!