WHY WOMEN APPEAR WISHY-WASHY, TOO FLUID AND PASSIVE.

😅🤣🤨AND HE ASKED…ARE YOU UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING? —MY RESPONSE, “ALWAYS.” 👊🤣🤨

 

Perhaps one of the most honest answers a woman has ever given  a man and that’s what we are talking about today…women’s honesty or lack thereof and how it relates to sexual fulfillment.

 

Alright men, today I am going to be your “wing chick…”

And let you in on the female brain and emotions a tad.

You might want to sit down and pour yourself a drink because you will most likely find yourself scratching your head in bewilderment by the time you get done reading this.

 

I just want to start out by saying that the majority of the time we women don’t fully understand why we are feeling or thinking the way that we are feeling or thinking.

 

So guys, don’t think that you will ever understand the feminine.

Cuz’ you won’t.

 

But you can try and gain some insight to what you may perceive as wishy-washy, as too fluid, or passive even. 👈

 

🌹First, realize that what attracts you to your woman is her feminine flow. The fact that she is different from you.

 

🌹You love her smile and laugh. She won’t be smiling and laughing very much if she turns toward her masculine energy and gets up in her head. Over thinking and analyzing, problem solving and leading do not make a woman warm, sexy, or vibrant. They dim her light and laughter. This does not mean that she should not or cannot be a great problem solver or leader, it just means that if she takes up residence there for very long she will lose the luster and find herself turned off to life in general.

 

🌹You adore those moments in bed with her where she surrenders fully to you, where she is the seductress of your dreams and you feel like a king. This sort of surrender is only authentically achieved if she can feel herself fully. If she is having to explain what she is feeling or needing, or feels like she needs to perform for you then she will not embody herself and instead just be “putting on a show.” Which I am guessing you may enjoy but once realized that it is just that, a show, you may not want it. You want the real deal, right? This requires that she be aroused long before the penetration ever happens.

 

👉Foreplay for the next round starts 5 minutes before the current sexual event ends. 🤯

 

What does that mean you may ask?

It means that it should never end.

It means that if you want your woman to be raring to go whenever you are ready, that you gotta realize that men and women DO NOT operate the same sexually. 👈🤨💥

 

What type of an orgasm a woman has, has a lot to do with how long she will be aroused, feeling sexual and be open to more sex and intimacy.

 

The issue is that the majority of women fib to their guys about the sex and the orgasm.

 

That’s right men, more than likely she has been lying to you.🤯

 

I know, it’s not what any guy wants to hear…

and that’s why women don’t tell you the truth.

They feel they are being kind to you by not saying, yeah I did not have an orgasm. Or “you did not even help me to get ready for sex.”

 

Women have a tough time asking for what they need.

They may say, ” I want to have sex.”

But when it comes down to actually asking for what they need, thats a different tale all together and that is because they themselves have no idea what they need most of the time because they are so disconnected from their sex, their hearts and their bodies in general.

 

Women and men alike think that a woman’s best orgasm comes from the clitorus. Or a whole bunch of thrusting hard and fast.

But this is just f-cking.

It’s empty.

And it does not fulfill her or you.

It may get you off, and it might get her a quick release too,

but it is not going to fulfill her or make her feel connected to you.

 

👉In order for her to surrender and have a deep orgasm, she needs to feel you. 👈

 

And it’s more than your manhood I am speaking of here. 😳

 

She needs your heart. <3

 

She needs you to lead her with your confidence,

your passion and desire.

She needs you to kiss her, to touch her.

 

For two decades I have been telling men that if they could just see a woman’s body as one big sexual organ and make love to the entirety of her that they would get so much further with turning their woman on.

 

👉Men back away from kissing.

👉Men love a woman’s body but do not sensually touch it.

👉Men love a womans breasts and hips but forget about them during foreplay and sex.

👉Men are fascinated with female orgasm and pleasure but don’t want to playfully explore to make it happen. EVERY TIME!

👉Men feel threatened by toys and requests.

👉Men don’t put enough emphasis on playing, laughing, courting, snuggling of which all lead her into feeling you more and surrendering to you deeper, as well as being able to tune into her own body more.

 

Foreplay is not just about sexy, sensual touching BTW.

Foreplay is about caring and courting.

Foreplay is about talking and listening.

Foreplay is about letting her feel your emotions.

Foreplay is about adventure and always realizing that no matter how long you have been together, there is a new person before you each day that you need to discover.

 

Now maybe all of this is not news to you.

And that is great if that is the case.

 

👉But how does it relate to a woman being wishy-washy, too fluid or passive even?

 

No matter if your woman is deep in her feminine or locked up in her masculine, she is still a woman. And she has been programmed since birth as well as bears with her generational traumas and mindsets that tell her that she needs to take care of you.

 

That your ideas, needs, etc are priority.

She may internally feel different and say, “No damn it, I matter too.” But 98% of the time she will end up weighing out what she thinks you want vs how she feels or what she wants/needs and she will the majority of the time come back in your favor.

 

This will show up from the quantity and type of sex you are having to what is for dinner and how she sets up the home.

 

If you are among the many men out there who tire at asking your woman what she wants or needs only to get a deer in the headlight look back from her, realize that she is processing in that moment what she believes is the “right” answer to give to have the maximum amount of peace, connection and happiness over all.

 

👉These are the key things women want for.

Peace, Connection and Happiness. 👈

 

They translate down to security in all areas.

Women in general avoid confrontation and anything that we feel may cause it.

 

We are not warriors unless we need to be.

Women are nurturers by nature.

We are caregivers.

Peacekeepers.

Soothers.

 

So when you ask us our opinion about something…

We instantly go into, what’s the best answer for peace, connection and happiness? For my security in life and relationship?

 

You get the deer in the headlight look and we say whatever we feel is right. However, this answer may be completely opposite from what we actually need or desire. Thus, causing us to appear wishy-washy, too emotional, passive, etc.

 

A woman does not change her mind nearly as much as it is perceived that we do. 🤯

 

We just speak what we feel is right and then speak our truth sometime down the road.

 

Now here is how orgasm, foreplay and male connection plays a role in her truth telling or trying to get the right answer that is ingrained in us women to give.

 

The sex and orgasm that comes from the quick fix, the f-cking without heart and soul or connection, all of that just keeps her in a state of “performing” or of giving you the answer that she believes you need and want. It does not fulfill her, heal her, align her in any fashion. It’s fast food sexing and it keeps her operating from a place of emptiness and fear.

 

It pulls her deeper into a space of needing to make the “right” answers to keep peace, connection and happiness instead of opening up and surrendering to you and her.

AUTHENTICALLY.

 

You want your woman’s truth on all subject matters…

(most likely not going to happen…lol)

But you want to know that she can and will tell you her needs, desires and even initiate because she wants to initiate…

Or she will share what she wants to watch or eat?

Or where she would like to visit for vacation?

Or the fact that she is unhappy about something?

 

👉You want her to feel safe and secure with you?👈

 

Which equates to healing her trust issues that she has accumulated over her lifetime and learned from what society and history teaches?

 

Well, then SLOW THE F-CK DOWN with her. 😳🤯🤨

 

👊Stop f-cking her. 👊

 

🤯Stop distancing yourself from your own heart and body to prevent yourself from not having the stamina you feel is required to get her there and instead, make love to her every moment you are with her and even when you are not.

 

😘Try talking with her.

Asking her how her day was when you come together.

 

😘Kiss her in the morning as though you want to eat her up and kiss her in the evening with reverence.

 

👉Hold her close.

👉Look into her eyes.

👉Make her laugh.

👉Set aside time daily to just be with her.

 

👊👊👊And when you are wanting a little nookie, don’t expect that she can go from zero to 120 in the time frame that you can.

BECAUSE SHE CAN’T!!!!😳

 

You are damaging her body when you expect this.

You are shutting down her heart when you expect that.

You are disconnecting her from you and herself when you expect that.

 

She needs physical foreplay for her body to ignite.

To feel and get aroused.

For her to get  out of her head and into her sex.

And IF you can accomplish all of this (I know just a small tab to complete, but I have faith in you sir…) THEN….

She will provide you both with a most beautiful performance.

It will be authentic, deep, loving, sensual, passionate and fully surrendered to your intimacy and connection.

 

She will carry you to the thresholds of heaven.

She will have you basking in the joy and expansiveness of your unity and sex.

 

From this space of rapture and fulfillment she will speak with more confidence and trust in you and herself.

Your radiant authentic soul will dance with you.

 

Until you forget all that was learned and shared here and take it for granted to wonder once again, why is she so wishy-washy, so emotional and lost, so passive….why?

 

And you will learn one day that feminine needs you to penetrate her fully, heart, body and soul for her to be centered.

 

And to have faith that her words, her needs and desires can be heard without fear.

 

She needs you.

She needs your leadership and strength.

Your guidance and passion.

Your love and presence.

 

Without it she is lost.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

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This is an 8 week couples coaching series, private coaching with myself for the couple where we will cover commitment, trust, desire, communication, money and sex, values and goals, the entity of “us” and more. Available globally. Private – discounted for a limited time only. Message me for deet’s about this series NOW! Don’t wait. Restore your love and sex in 2021.🥰🥰🥰

MUST DO’S FOR SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP: ROUTINE, RITUAL & NON-NEGOTIABLE BOUNDARIES

🤣🤣😂I LOVE YOUR PUD IN MY PUTSCH! AND I LOVE WEDNESDAYS…🤨😂😅

 

Wednesdays are sacred for my man and I.

It’s the day that we both have committed to work from home.

We eat breakfast together, lunch and dinner.

We work from the same room.

We work in silence.

We do our meetings.

We look upon each other in appreciation.

We make love.

We f-ck!

We take walks.

We snuggle.

We laugh, we debate, we get real and vulnerable.

And above all else we CONNECT.

 

👊It’s our ROUTINE.

👊It’s our RITUAL.

👊It’s what we have set a non-negotiable BOUNDARY around.

 

🤯And it’s freaking critical to the success, happiness, intimacy, and connection of our relationship.

 

Maybe we should start calling them sexy Wedsnesdays, because we take hump day serious…lol

 

But not always.

Some Wednesdays we are so disconnected from the stresses of life, we look at each other as though we are on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon. But we still remain together, holding that space, providing an opportunity for our energies to reconnect.

 

Some Wednesdays, we are on sour terms between us.

Days of disconnect, disharmony in what we were wanting the other to know, understand, get about us.

Our requests have been formulated as criticism and fears, and we find ourselves on these Wednesdays going deeper into our wounds.

 

However, most Wednesdays are yummy.

🔥Juicy and hot.

🔥Tantalizing and fulfilling beyond measure.

🔥Our sex is reunited and fed to exhaustion.

🔥Our hearts are swelling in a sea of love, appreciation and acceptance.

🔥Our minds are united, we are aligned.

 

And it feels F-CKING AMAZING AND PERFECT!

 

You see the reality is and as I share with so many couples on the matter of relationship success, happiness and connection that routine, ritual and boundaries are mandatory.

 

Often we believe that a relationship should just happen, it should always be easy and effortless.

 

But a relationship like anything worthwhile in life requires our focus, attention and effort.

 

In order to have success (which does not mean longevity but satisfaction and happiness, which in turn will create longevity) you must be willing to develop sacred space.

 

You must make commitment, non-negotiable.

And our commitment to our partner must be a priority.

 

The issue is that more often than not in today’s relationships, we give our best to our work, our hobbies, our passions, our children.

And we bring our partner what’s leftover.

 

We say the cruelest of things to the one we love the most.

We blame, we finger point, we give our worst to our partner.

And we do this because we can get away with it.

No where else would it be accepted or allowed.

But this creates bitterness.

It feeds fear.

In a relationship, we end up criticizing our mates, seeing only what is wrong with them and what they are not doing for us and the relationship and it is based on the desire to have more of them.

 

👊WE DESIRE OUR PARTNERS BEST TOO!👊

 

We are afraid to ask for it and don’t know how.

But when we criticize THIS is what we are actually saying.

 

When we make everything else a priority, we put our hearts and our partners on the back burner.

 

We can have moments in life when we have to do this for sure.

Just like we can certainly have times when our worst self takes center stage with  our partner and we find ourselves acting out our worst fears and wounds.

In these times we create an opportunity for our partner to support us and see us as we see ourselves sometimes.

We build intimacy through our wounds and fears.

 

But if we allow these times to become routine,

we allow dis-harmony and dis-connection to become what our relationship is founded in.

 

👊All relationship has its rhythm. 👊

 

It’s always:

Harmony 🔥Dis-harmony😔Repair🧐

Connection 🔥 Dis-connection😔Repair🧐

 

You cannot have magic all the time!

You cannot be turned on all the time!

You will never feel aligned and connected all the time!

You will have pain and suffering.

You will have joy and triumph.

 

You MUST COMMIT to the repair portion.

 

This means that you make your priority relationship with your partner a priority.

 

👊👊Your commitment to the relationship and to finding happiness for “the entity of us” in the relationship making it a must be non-negotiable. 👊👊

 

This is the routine.

The ritual.

The boundary.

 

If you are wanting to feel aligned to your partner, to restore intimacy, connection and recapture the honeymoon phase, then find your Wednesday.

 

For my man and I, we have our daily morning routine of waking, snuggling, inquiring how we each slept, what our feelings at waking are while we enjoy coffee.

 

We reach out to each other all day long, just sharing here and there about what’s going on and inquiring how the other is doing.

 

We then faithfully come together each early evening for our “sipper” or glass of wine. We stop everything else. We kiss. We touch, We talk for an hour and we catch up with what’s happened in each other’s lives.

 

This is our daily routine.

 

Then we dedicate ourselves to Wednesdays.

 

And from this we move smoothly through the storms of life and relationships.

We still ebb and flow in our connection, but we never allow dis-connect to become the “entity of us.”

 

We desire each other more because of these rituals and routines.

We feel safer with each other and that we have each other’s backs because we have established a non-negotiable boundary around the “repair” which is based in our routines and rituals.

 

👊🧐🔥And for anyone reading this musing today,

I ask you to explore what you are doing to connect, to find harmony, to make the “entity of us,” the priority relationship that you once desired it to be?👊🧐🔥

 

Hopefully you have found something in my words here to help you.

Know that a relationship requires commitment.

It requires time, dedication, and focus.

If you are wanting for the yummy, juicy moments…

the magic…

Then you have to build the foundation for those moments.

That requires effort and desire.

 

That requires you to want to water the plant you want to grow. 🌹

 

As Always,

Stop Accepting Average and Ordinary in Your Love Life and Relationship.

 

If you want that Soulmate Relationship, that love that explodes your heart and connects you to the heavens, then let’s get you aligned today!

 

Reach out to me about deet’s for my new 💥💥Autumn Session of The Magic Minute! 💥💥

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

😂🤣And before you ask about the pud in my putch comment above, that was yesterday’s convo… humorous events happen on Wednesdays. I had no idea what pud meant ( I know hard to believe perhaps, and I used the word putsch when we were going to bed, ” You putsched your pillow in my face.”🤣 because his pillow hit me in the face while he was fluffing it…lol and we had to then look up the word because we were uncertain if it was a real word… it is! and it means p*ssy. So there is my title and intimacy  share with you dear reader. 😂😅

INTIMACY, CRAZY EMOTIONAL WOMEN & THE IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIPS.

🙏Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself.🙏

 

This is a powerful quote to ponder from Osho.

 

” I stood in the bathroom, scrubbing the bathroom sink, trying to change my outlook. Attempting to calm my ravenous emotions that seemed to be hungry wolves out to kill and destroy what I valued most. Heart racing, gut churning. All I could envision was the worst case scenario and I knew that once again I would be standing alone in life. Certain that the emotionally turbulent seas that I found myself in, my boat crashing upon the shores of my fear, my trauma, my knowing that I was going to mess up yet again and push away love was without a doubt right before me.

 

I had let him in too close.

That was the issue.

I had fallen hopelessly in love with this man and now I had something to lose. Making me lost is an internal sea of fear and lack of worthiness.

 

The more unworthy I felt, the more lost, the more pathetic and all the more certain that THIS was the moment that he would say goodbye.

 

I was being an emotionally unpredictable woman.

I was crying out from my hormonal pit of despair.

Haunted by all the ghosts in my closet and terrified that I could not express my heart.

That he would not  see me, feel me, know me.

Only wanting for these things.

Wanting for HIM to be like no other man before, and fight for me.

Even though the fight at this moment was with me.”

 

Women are emotional creatures to say the least.

Women’s hormonal balance is oh so delicate.

I used to think that it was a bunch of bull bunk that women used to get away with shiz, and it certainly can be. However, so much causes hormonal turbulence and I can bear witness and experience to you that when we women tank on all the “good vibe” hormones we crash into  our own darkest seas and fear our very existence.

But that is another tale for another day.

 

Letting a man into this emotional space,

This space where we often run and hide from our own inner demons and devils is vulnerable AF!

We women grow up learning that men cannot handle this space and that they DO NOT desire a woman who is emotionally up and down.

 

For the most part on a man’s list of qualities desired in a woman you will find in the top five that men want “drama free” or “low drama,” for a woman to be “emotionally sound” and sure AF not “crazy.” Because every man has been with crazy at some point and this is scary to them with good reason.

 

The one minor, not so minor issue is that ALL women have their crazy moments, their hormone raging moments, their deep dark depressions, fear and emotionally unsound feelings.

For the most part if all is well with the woman, you will find that the typical cause of these events is STRESS. You can say she should learn to manage that. Or get some hormone replacement. Get laid…and so many other things. Positive thinking and planning does not always help the stress situation. Sometimes a woman cannot see past the dark clouds of her own inner storms. Trying to be rational causes even more stress  in these moments. Trying to be positive causes anxiety.

 

The issue of stress on a woman’s body, mind, hormones, emotions and thus relationship with self and then life and partner is unbelievable.

 

And the feeling of loss is detrimental.

Only creating a greater whirlwind.

 

David Deida speaks about how a woman will test her man to make certain that he is stable at his core and can support her.

He also makes mention often of “standing in her fire.”

This is what he is speaking about.

You see we women in these moments are only witnesses, or mere onlookers ourselves when the fire comes down and we start to rage. It is like we see it happening, part of us is screaming, “No… no… just stop! Shut up! What are you doing/saying? We don’t mean that. Or want to hurt you and us like this.” However, that part of us, that internal witness has been muzzled in these times and we find ourselves hijacked by our pain bodies, our trauma, our fear of loss of not being good enough or being too much. And self-destruction wins. The fire burns and if a man is willing, if he truly loves his woman, and IF he is strong in himself then and only then can he stand in her fire, this fire.

 

🔥AND IT IS A FIRE OF INTIMACY.🔥

It is a fire of her allowing him into her inner realms of fear, of pain, and trauma. Where she wants nothing more than him to grab her, hold her close and say, “I got you. We are going to make it through your pain and fear. I am strong. I am here.”

 

This vulnerably deep space of the feminine that no woman today wants to express out of concern for being called another crazy woman. Of being dropped like a hot potato. Of not being strong enough to just not have these feminine storms.

 

I means sh*t its 2021, we should have evolved past this emotional nature and hormonal imbalances. We should have our sh*t in order, be able to take something to calm our nerves and make us more manageable for ourselves, our relationship and for life.

 

Many women do just this.

Mask the emotion.

Pharmaceutical drugs.

Maryjane.

Alcohol.

Sleep agents.

Work. work. work.

Masterbation and porn.

And many other sidetrackers.

Typically combinations of these above.

 

Of which none actually deal with the cause or are helpful or healthy long term. They just end up creating a numbness to life and a total avoidance to self.

 

It is us women putting down the fight and in turn fleeing.

Fleeing from ourselves.

From our truth. From our pain and our fear.

And ultimately from our relationship, our love, our man.

 

Have you ever wondered why so many men often say she used to be so alive, excited, vibrant. She used to desire me. She used to smile and laugh. Life has just taken it out of her I guess…

 

Yes life took it out and she exhausted herself trying to hold herself together.

She made a choice between everything else in her life including her relationship and family and herself.

 

As many smart women do and always have done.

They step away from what brings perceived trouble and they put their focus on what will bring harmony and peace. Even if it costs them their “aliveness.”

 

And somewhere in this loss of vitality and truth, they convince themselves that they are happy and they are just doing what is needed.

 

I am going to say something different however!

 

This is why there is so much divorce.

This is why women cheat.

This is why women over eat or starve themselves.

This is why they seem like they don’t care or throw themselves into something that may appear meaningless.

 

👉👊BECAUSE THEY ARE HIDING FROM THEMSELVES!👈🤯

 

and they do not know how to communicate what they need from their partner, from life, or from SELF.

 

They have literally been trained to believe that it is not safe, good or acceptable to be a woman. Yet to be a woman, a sexy, smart, strong, confident, great mom, with a great job, and a great homemaker to boot, is expected, and DO NOT forget emotionally stable ALL THE TIME.

 

👊👊👊Women no longer know their place in this world or in relationships. 👊👊👊

 

I personally thank the feminist movement for this back in the 60’s and 70’s. One great step forward for women’s rights, with a ripple impact that may cause us to be among some of the most lost, sad, exhausted and FAKE AF! women ever known to the history of humankind.

 

Women are not the only one’s paying the price here either.

 

Our men, our children and ultimately our world pays with us.

 

👩Women are the “home”makers.

👩Women are the nurturers.

👩Women are the foundation, the center point to family.

👩And they are the cheerleaders of men.

👩They are the cheerleaders of youth.

👩They are the teachers of respect, compassion, empathy, and unconditional love.

 

Today however…

They still try to manage all of this.

They attempt to be all this.

But with it they also carry the load of the masculine.

They weaken themselves by not allowing support out of fear that if they need support they will not be desired.

That the fact that they are human,

that they are a woman,

that “yeah, they may not have it all put together,”

makes them disposable.

 

And that is the FEAR.

 

WOMEN FEAR BEING DISPOSABLE.🤯

 

And they accept it.

They even embrace it.

That is why they lean heavy into feminist statements and beliefs.

That is why they condemn men.

And take the lead so much.

Because they figure that they will be replaced anyway, so why should they let a man into their heart and trust him.

Share this inner realm with him, open their soul to him.

???????

 

👉Every woman today has been walked out on in some way. 👈

 

Every woman has been raped physically, emotionally, menatlly.

Every woman knows that she cannot depend on this world, on men, and often not on family and friends.

 

We are a broken sex.

A wounded multi-generation.

We have lost our power by attempting to gain it.

 

So what is the answer?🤨

 

IT’S ALWAYS AN INSIDE JOB.

 

👊It always comes back to learning to love yourself, being willing to explore your shadow lands and move past, let go of the trauma and put your attention on the present.

 

👊It’s always about doing the cognitive behaviour work to make the impacting changes required to be able to connect, relate and develop positive relationships.

 

👊Learning how you store trauma and negative emotion and programs in your cellular tissue and what you can do to fully purge yourself from them.

 

👊Wanting as well as being willing to transform yourself and build trust in yourself so that you can trust your man, your relationship once again.

 

👊Seeing your own hold backs and how you self-sabotage is vital to healing any relationship and building trust, love and a willingness to open your heart and soul as well as establish healthy emotional responses.

 

👊Learning how to ask for what you want and need from a partner.

 

👉👉😔WOMEN SAY THEY WANT A MAN, A LIFE PARTNER, BUT THEY ARE TYPICALLY UNWILLING TO WAIVER ON LETTING GO OF THEIR WOUNDS TO HAVE ONE.👈👈🤯

 

My partner asked me in the moment of my emotional breakdown shared above, “Are you going to let your trauma and wounds be a self fulfilling prophecy?”

 

My hurt little girl responded with a scorned, “Possibly, what choice do I have? It already is happening. You are going to leave me, I know you will.”

 

He just stood there.

Unwavering.

Looking at me.

 

I wanted him to grab me.

I wanted him to pull me in close and squeeze all this fear out of me.

I wanted him to build a fortress around me and protect me from ME.

 

He could not give this to me.

 

He could hold me, listen, say he loves me and that he does not want any of that. But he could not save me from my own inner demons and devils.

 

THAT was my battle.

I had to save us, not just me.

But first I had to speak my fear.

I had to share my worries.

I had to see my crazy, emotional rollercoaster for what it was.

NOT TRUE.

 

I share this today with you because I have heard a lot lately about the crazy emotional state of the feminine.

 

I know that we women are hard to understand.

I know that we trigger our men into fear and distrust based on our emotional responses.

 

And that in itself is not healthy, right or emotionally mature.

So I share to awaken the women out there who want to heal, want to have happy healthy relationships and trust in love again.

 

I share for the men out there that look at women and say, ” I love her, I want to be with her, BUT…”

Who find themselves triggered by her emotions, her fear, her doubt, her self-sabotage.

 

Gentlemen, stand strong in who you are.

Do not be intimidated.

Do not fear asking her to come back to herself, like my man did for me. Know that she may not respond the way you want in the moment, but that it will sink in. She did hear you.

DO NOT RUN from her at this moment. That will only create more abandonment and fear, it will convince her that she is right and that you will not fight for her.

 

🤺A woman wants and needs her man to fight for her. 🤺

 

She needs him to help her slay her inner demons and devils.

And he does this through his heart.

She does not need him to fix it or her.

She just needs him to create a container for her to pour her fears into and to see that he is capable of not drowning from them.

She needs his leadership in these times, which comes from his ability to be logical in the unlogic. To be sound, solid yet compassionate in her fire.

 

🤺She needs him to conquer her.🤺

 

That same fear energy, that crazy, the uproar, it is stuck creative sexual energy.  It has been lodged due to stress, fear of speaking truth, programs, beliefs and all the little things that seem like nothing but are so much that she will never fess up to being caught up in.

 

And she NEEDS YOU to help her move it.

She yells cruelties because she wants you to kiss her.

She throws plates and shoes because she wants to be made love to.

She weeps before you because she wants you to hold her heart and see her.

 

She needs your physical strength and support.

She needs your emotional stability with compassion and patience.

 

She does not need you to war against her.

But to have her back in her darkest valleys of self.

 

That’s all…lol

 

Big order to fill.

I get it.

And many men cannot do this because they themselves have not or are not willing to build their own inner realms of strength in who they are.

 

As a society we have broken down men.

We have made them evil for being men.

We have scared them away from leadership and told them “not to control” and we have taught them that leading a family, woman, life path is not good.

We  have weakened our men into boys and we have drugged our women into hiding their feminine.

 

And so I ask you reader,

Male or female,

Are you willing and wanting to meet yourself?

To strengthen who you are?

To know what you need and desire in a partner, in a relationship and are you willing to stand in the depths of healing?

 

Because you see, intimate relationships, committed partnerships do one thing for sure…

 

IT FORCES US TO MEET OURSELVES AND TO HEAL.

as well as to support our mate.

 

My whole coaching system is dedicated and centered around these core things. Learning how to navigate and communicate what you want in a relationship by learning your soul-values.

 

 

As always, if you want to learn if coaching is something of potential assistance and value to you calling in your soulmate relationship or reigniting your couplehood then reach out to me today for a FREE Clarity Call! Where we will start the process of discovery, activation and healing to unite you to SOUL!

 

 

Loving you from here.

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

 

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

CASUAL SEX CEATES EMOTIONAL INTIMACY BLOCKAGES & TRUAMA RESPONSE

 

👊👊🤯CASUAL SEX CREATES EMOTIONAL INTIMACY BLOCKAGES AND TRAUMA RESPONSE👈👈👊

It’s why so many people can’t find real love today.

It’s why so many are commitment phobes.

It’s why so many women are under the belief that they need a man with a bigger…

It’s why so many men are scared of women going ‘crazy’ or getting ‘needy’ with them.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨We live in a hookup culture and with that culture we have lost our heart and ability to be truly intimate.

The hook up scene is no longer just for college students,

or players.

👉Anyone can be a player in today’s world.👈

Matter a fact, casual sex, dating and relating is ever growing in the over 40 bracket and the reason is that no one wants to take the time to connect any more.

Many people today of all ages, get into relationship saying they are looking for love, for commitment, for a partner, but what they are actually wanting is easy sustainable sex.  A large majority of twenty and even thirty somethings are not planning on having families. They don’t want children. The vast majority of people from their mid thirties and older have already had children or are no longer in baby making years or are retired. These life situations and desires have created a new ground around relationship containers in general and the majority of people are not interested in long-term commitment any longer.

Recent studies have shown that not only pregnancy rates are down, but the number of people getting married has declined tremendously as well.

You can say that this comes with the belief that you don’t have to be married to be committed or show your love for someone.

 

👉And you are correct.👈

 

Marriage does not make you more committed or more in love.

Although, the commitment factor that we are aiming for with marriage DOES often create a feeling of safety, closeness, protection, stability and allows one or both parties to surrender deeper than not having it. It is an external showing of INTENTION and the solid commitment to that intention on all levels of the partnership.

 

50+ years ago, if a couple wanted to have sex they would get married.

Matter a fact, marriage was the predominant vehicle to having sex.

Today however, in order to get laid, you barely if at all need to make a commitment.

Matter a fact, many people don’t even ask many questions.

You might even not exchange names in some cases.

 

👊👊👊Smash it and Go!🤯

 

It’s this view on sex that is causing so much trauma emotionally and even physically to individuals and those who are attempting couplehood.

 

Many people are in casual relationships BELIEVING it is a serious relationship. ( how is that possible you may wonder. Right? Hopefully this musing helps answer that. Keep reading.)

 

We live in an era of time where individuals have every right to do whatever they want in relationship and with sex.

 

👉We have a label for EVERYTHING.

👉We have new pronouns.

👉We can be whatever race, gender or sexual preference that we want in the moment.

👉We can design our relationship/commitment style however we want.

 

There are no limits.

No boundaries to who we are.

Science has been put on the back burner today when we talk sex, sexual preference, gender, and many other things.

 

We are a woke society that is all inclusive.

And we can SMASH it and GO!!! with no issue.

 

Now, I am not here to make any judgements on anyones preferences or lablels, or when you choose to have sex with a new partner. If you want to have sex on a first date, go to an adult book store to get laid by a total stranger or act out some fantasy or you want to wait till your wedding night, its a personal choice.

 

If you are one who waits till marriage, hopefully you are doing a lot of vetting and getting to know yourself, practicing radical transparency and communication, so that you don’t get to this moment only to find out that you are not aligned here.

 

If you are smashing it and going and thinking you will find love and commitment, but keep finding heart break and more reasons as to why you should keep just smashing and going, remaining in control of your sex and getting the quick hit of sexual gratification but always feeling empty afterward because what you truly want is depth, connection and trust/commitment, then keep reading…

 

🙏 I BELIEVE OUR BODIES ARE SACRED.🙏

 

👉We claim to believe that we know that we deserve better.

👉To be treated better.

👉Loved better.

👉To be respected.

👉To have commitment, honesty, integrity.

👉To not just be “used.”

 

Yet we ourselves do not offer this to our own bodies.

We practice short circuit relating and sexing.

We grab the fast food options of quick release instead of honoring our hearts, bodies and time.

 

You see traditional “casual” sex.

AKA – Hook up/ smash it and go sexing.

Leads us down a path of many multiple partners.

Repeating this process, again and again creates shame for many even when they say it does not. (male and female alike)

Outside of the fear of judgement and the feeling of shame or not being good enough to find someone it can also create trauma physically and emotionally.

 

🤯PHYSICAL LEVEL TRAUMA- Massive multiple partners ‘can’ cause confusion for some people to figure out who they themselves are and what they like because each partner is different and women especially tend to adapt themselves to what the partner likes/needs instead of holding to their own needs/likes and communicating that.

 

You can also become desensitized sexually with mass numbers of partners. Making your body non-sacred and instead just being used as a tool.

 

Just as vibrators desensitize our nervous system to being able to feel fully, we densatize our bodies. Our vagus nerve and limbic system go into trauma response more easily or become mute, preventing us from our full life experiences in ALL categories.

 

🤯EMOTIONAL LEVEL TRAUMA- We bond physically with our partner(s). More for women than men, but all humans DO/CAN bond through sex. https://kendalwilliams.com/we-women-bond-with-men-physically/

 

Men can “pump, pump, eww, goo” or “pump and dump” you may say and not get overly attached but women certainly can get attached at a very deep level after sex, ESPECIALLY good sex. If a woman actually has an orgasm, and if she has more than just a clitorial one, she will be more likely to become attached to her partner, because of the bonding response that we are designed with. (read musing link above)

 

This often leads to heart break stories when she believes that “giving her sex will gain commitment.” Or that she is owed something.

 

If the man is getting attached and then experiences a woman who is emotionally gaurded so remaining in charge of the sex and going for the “smashing and go!” senario, he will feel the same emotional let down and loss as a woman would.

 

👉All instances lead to EMOTIONAL SHUT DOWN BASED ON TRAUMA created by casual sexing/relating without conscious intention.

 

Which creates physical shut down and an inability to surrender to physical pleasure and connection at a deeper level.

 

👉It’s a NUMBING process. 🤯

 

Which is why it’s vitally important to have radically real conversations before you sleep with someone.

 

It’s why I am constantly preaching to know your values.

Know what you are wanting and looking for in a relationship.

Be ready and willing to share upfront THIS key component to preventing yourself more misery and heartbreak.

 

And that is:

👊👊👊What’s your standards in a relationship? How do you operate in a relationship? What are your expectations/requirements/needs in a relationship? What are you REALLY looking for RIGHT NOW. Then INQUIRE back what the other person’s responses are about these same shares.

 

Chemistry (that energetic draw) is great!

But chemistry alone, much like love, will not make a long standing relationship successful.

It will not overcome everything else that comes up in relationships.

 

You must explore deeper.

You must witness our potential mate in many situations.

It takes an average of 100+ hours together consistently to see multiple aspects of another person and for some level of guards to come down.

 

So why are we having sex within the first date or two?

Most new daters have sex somewhere between the third and tenth date. Only having spent an average of 5 to 30 hours together over weeks of time “dating.”

 

👊🔥👊A good rule of thumb outside of deeper inquiry before sex is to NEVER engage in sex with a partner if you:

 

🔥Don’t feel comfortable with the person. If you need a substance to loosen up, YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE!

🔥Aren’t aware to your attachment styles and possible attachment caused by sex and have a deeper understanding to what you are wanting from this expereince/moment.

🔥Don’t know what the other person’s real intentions are. You have not yet done the asking!!!!

🔥 Have not discussed what you are wanting in a relationship. If you are wanting monogamy you have also discussed exclusivity. Because they are NOT the same! If you are wanting an open relationship/poly you have discussed what this dynamic is and what you are wanting here.

🔥If you don’t feel safe physically, emotionally and sexually. You need to have discussed safe sex, medical history, pregnancy. You need to have spoken about potential triggers that may come up due to past trauma. As well as, have shared your boundaries and non-negotiables in these three areas for sure.

 

THE IMPORTANCE OF ASKING THESE THINGS AND PUTTING IN THIS TIME AND EFFORT ON OUR SEXUAL CONNECTION IS BECAUSE IF WE CHOOSE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE AND IT DOES NOT WORK OUT WE CAN OFTEN TIMES CRUCIFY THE OTHER PERSON FOR “USING US.”

 

We blame them for us feeling hurt.

And we carry this trauma forward into all future relating.

 

🙏You owe it to yourself to honor your sex!🙏

 

 

If you are going to do CASUAL SEX…

Make it 🙏INTENTIONAL CASUAL SEX.🙏

 

Hopefully you found some answers here today on how to do just that.

 

And know that each experience is a part of your journey to self-discovery and is an opportunity to love on yourself and offer yourself respect, honor, time and focus.

 

My whole coaching system is dedicated and centered around these core things. Learning how to navigate and communicate what you want in a relationship by learning your soul-values.

 

As always, if you want to learn if coaching is something of potential assistance and value to you calling in your soulmate relationship or reigniting your couplehood then reach out to me today for a FREE Clarity Call! Where we will start the process of discovery, activation and healing to unite you to SOUL!

 

Loving you from here.

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR “ACTIVE DESIRES” OR AFTER CARE! NOR SHOULD THEY…

 

👊💥👉NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR “ACTIVE DESIRES” OR AFTERCARE! NOR SHOULD THEY…🤯💥👊

 

Earlier in the week I wrote on leveling up your relationship by going monogamous, or why some people feel it is just this and I shared some commentary from an individual about her feelings on having her poly-based partner make this change. I also said there was a ton to her statement and I would need to write more on it.

 

👉THIS IS THE FOLLOW-UP.👈

 

First let’s refresh her words for you.

 

“Can anyone relate? Several love connections have recently decided to monogamously close their new relationships

We’ve stayed in touch, but there’s been no acknowledgment or curiosity of how this transition may affect the feelings of someone who still has active desires. While I believe everyone has the absolute freedom to decide what relationship structure they desire at the moment, I’m having emotions around the lack of attunement or transitional “aftercare”. 😔”

 

🔥🔥🔥WHAT ABOUT MY ACTIVE DESIRES?🔥🔥🔥

 

Why don’t you care about my desire?

Why do you pull away and not offer me an opportunity to fight for what I want in the outcome?

I still want this relationship/sex/friendship, etc?

 

(Insert three-year old tantrum here)😡😢😭😤

 

Okay folks, I am going to be brutally honest, real and raw here with my perspective on this. You may not enjoy what follows, just sayin’.

 

It does not  matter the relationship, you could be monogamous and dating or even married.

You could be poly or open relationship like the woman above and have your partner(s) move in a different direction.

You could just be friends with someone and have the relationship change/alter/end.

 

No matter the relationship, when one person says, “I am done moving in this direction like this and I am instead going to go this direction.” What they are saying is that they are 👉TAKING CARE OF THEMSELVES.👈

 

How self-centered and emotionally immature are you in this moment to say: (things I have been told in break ups, change ups, transition or heard from people I have coached)

 

😭How can you leave me now? It’s the eleventh hour and I really need you.

😭I don’t feel like you really care, you don’t even inquire about…

😭I have feelings too!

😭I don’t know what your boundaries are, they are always changing.

😭You tell me when we can go back to the way things were.

😭I think you are shrinking your world and will regret it.

😭But, but… I thought you needed me.

😭WHAT ABOUT ME???

 

What about you?🤨

 

This is a decision for me.  It’s about me.  My happiness. My peace of mind. My sanity. My life direction. My MF desire.

 

I am taking care of ME and you should follow my lead and take care of YOU.

 

All the above statements are based in a victim consciousness, the wounded, abandoned, fear driven inner child, NOT a mature emotional/mental or physical consciousness from a grown a*s adult who knows that they need to take care of themselves.

 

The worst thing that someone can do that is making a shift in any relationship and creating separation, space, etc is to come back in and comfort the one they are making relationship changes with.

 

This concept of “aftercare” from the person who is wanting separation and space from the other person will not do anything but cause more harm to both parties.

 

YOU HAVE STOP BEING SOMEONE’S CRACK HIT!🤯😳

 

It is first putting the person asking for space in a position of power over the others feelings as well as making them a victim to the other person, because now they have to manage their feelings all the more and THIS may be exactly why they were wanting out to begin with. Perhaps the one being “broken up” with, gave too much power to the other over their emotional state????

So why would it be healthy for aftercare here?

 

It’s not healthy!!!👈

 

NO ONE WINS.

 

Often, in a relationship we lose ourselves in another person.

We without realizing it develop a “need” for this other human being that is a form of co-dependency that is unhealthy, because without their active participation in our lives THE WAY WE WANT we no longer know who we are, what our direction is, nor have happiness.

 

There is healthy grieving that needs to happen in any transition of a relationship.

 

And if we desire to have our needs and wants met ever in a relationship then we must own responsibility for our own inner well-being and state of feeling. This is the ONLY way that we can relate long term with another person and experience stability and trust.

 

👉Over and over again I have heard how the one who is being “forced”😤 into this transition feels like the other does not care.

 

🤦‍♀️They want to fight for the relationship.

🤦‍♀️They want to convince the other that they can get it right.

🤦‍♀️They want to change the mind and feelings of the other.

🤦‍♀️They just want it to go back to the way it was and are often willing to play the waiting game to make it happen.

 

👉And it’s all a self-centered ploy to “feel” loveable, wanted, needed. 👈

 

If one really wanted the best for someone, really loved and cared for a friend/partner/lover they would suck it up and take care of themselves without demand from the one who is wanting changes.

 

They would understand that if things were so great before, that changes would not be happening, so it’s crazy to “think” things will EVER go back to what they were.

 

In their attempts to convince, fight for the relationship, question the needs and desires of the other they only push the other away all the more.

 

An ex of mine used to say, ” A reason, a season or a lifetime. You won’t know what it is till you get there.”

 

How true this statement is and most relationships are for a reason or a season. We can want for the lifetime, but we lose the beauty of the moment, memories, experiences and lessons if we run around focused on the lifetime to the point of squishing our “active desire” on another person.

 

👊👊The thing about “active desire” is that it can imprison you into a state of need. 😳🤯

 

Desire is a beautiful thing.

Desire is healthy!

You were born to live a life of desire.

 

With that said, desire moves you into suffering. And it is supposed to be that way…( yeah, it is.)

Life is about your suffering.

It is about how YOU choose to handle your suffering.

The lessons and healing that you gain from your suffering.

Just because you have an “active desire” DOES NOT mean that anyone owes you anything, nor that you need to put your demands on anyone to meet your desire.

 

THAT is immature.

That is unhealthy.

That is being a victim to life.

 

To have an active desire to maintain a relationship in the same fashion that it has been in and say, ” But, but… I don’t want this transition/change/etc. you need to care about my feelings here too.”

 

Is saying, ” I put you in charge of my happiness. I put myself in front of you for you. You are being selfish by caring about you and making a move for you.”

 

I am always reminded that the most self-centered souls are the one’s pointing fingers of selfishness and self-centeredness at those who are not giving them what they want, how they want it and putting the world in charge of their happiness.

 

I get it!

I have had my heart broken.

I have thought things were going one way and were good ONLY to find out that the other person did not feel the same.

I have cried for months and shut my heart down for years from deep love because of it.

I have sworn off allowing myself ever to care at that level before.

 

And I stand here today, deeper in love and commitment than I have ever experienced and in full gratitude for all the loss, heartache and suffering of my past because it was not aligned to my soul the way I wanted, and at my core I KNEW IT!!!

 

So when, someone says to you,

” I need to make this change.”

 

Say THANK YOU to them for taking care of them and you in the long run. Because that is what they are doing.

 

They are acting from a long term place of love for both of you and leaning into the reality that you are no longer aligned.

Your relationship has served its contract, its purpose and they recognize it.

 

Let yourself be set free.

You deserve to have relationships of all labels that are SOUL ALIGNED.

 

As Always,

Loving you on your journey from here.

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

GET YOUR EFFING ORGASM & DESIRE OUT OF MY FACE!!!

 

🥰🔥🍆GET YOUR EFFING ORGASM & DESIRE OUT OF MY FACE!!!🍆🔥🥰

 

Maybe it is shaming?

Maybe I should just be down with it?

Maybe I am over sensitive and need to just respect the feelings, sentiments, desire, love and shares that some individuals “need” to put on me.

 

Maybe, I should put their needs before my personal and couplehood boundaries?

 

What do you think?

I would really like to know in truth.

 

The funniest thing about what I am writing today is that I want to gag on my own effing words that I have attempted to paint a clear picture and feeling on over the last decade plus.

 

I used to have a coaching program called, “Orgasmic Life Coaching.”

I used to preach about living a “turned on life,” about breathing into your desire and following your bliss like Joseph Campbell spoke of.

I used to speak on these topics and fought the mainstream ideas around them, in hopes that my fellow humans could grasp the beauty in being ignited and living in a state of creative flow and “turn on.”

 

And in many ways, I still desire this.

I wish that these terms could be understood better, but the reality is that society is immature MFers.

 

And now, I want to puke about statements that used to be commonplace verbiage of mine.

 

🙏But it does stir some very important topics, and that being sexual maturity, boundaries and sacredness.🙏

 

There seems to be an onslaught of ideas around sensitivity to other feelings.

 

And in the same, there is no respect for feelings.

Its sheer craziness in truth.

I need to care about how much love you have for everyone,

how you want to share your heart, your desire, your arousal, your needs, your wants to just be seen, felt, appreciated, but I have no right to say, ” I don’t want your love, your attention, your desire, your arousal, your anything.”

 

In a land that values the right to be you and say no to the norm, no to fitting into a mold we are also making it illegal and shameful to say no to having your personal, sexual, and relationship boundaries breached.

 

Recently, I was working with a couple and the woman was sharing how there was a man at her work who kept telling her very intimate matters about his sex life. He would share about his stamina, how great he was in bed, how caring, compassionate of a lover he was and how he really knew how to treat a woman. This client of mine is in a committed relationship and madly in love with her partner with no desire to look outside her relationship.

 

👉She asked me if she was wrong to feel as though her personal and relationship boundaries were being crossed?

 

👉She wanted to know if it were okay for her to share with this man that she did not appreciate his vivid shares and found it disrespectful?

 

You see she was buying into the popular view that if she said STOP to this guy that she would be shaming him in some fashion. That she would be in the wrong and she did not want to “hurt” his feelings. Afterall, he was not really doing anything wrong. He was just sharing and talking to her as a friend.

 

Or was he?

And where is the respect for her and her relationship?

 

It made me think of many years ago when I was out on the dating scene and I was out on a first time date with a man at a local wine bar. The date started out normal and fine, we met, he gave me a hug hello, we sat across from each other and drank a glass of wine, shared some appetizers and chatted. Everything was going good until he decided to let me see his arousal. 😳🍆💥

 

I will never forget…

He leaned back in his chair, smiled at me, watching me talk.

I could sense that he was very tuned into my lips moving.

His hand rested on his thigh, not touching anything but quickly I could see that he was aroused physically.

He told me that he really “loved my energy.”

 

Even as a single woman in this moment of time, I did not appreciate nor want his arousal on display for me. In truth, it’s extremely sexually immature to not have control over your genitals as a man, making yourself a victim to the “energies” around you.

Just like the person who has to tell you how great they are in bed, how amazing they are, why… Why are you doing that?

 

The objective for this man I was on the date with was to bed me obviously. He was hopeful that I would notice, which I did, and that I would not be able to say no. That I would have a desire that  I could not overcome and become a victim to my “feelings.”

It did not work for him.

 

In truth I am disgusted by individuals who have zero to no control.

And it is not my problem, nor responsibility if someone has desires that are not being met.

 

💥Just because you have a desire…

💥Just because you are aroused…

💥Just because you feel turned on and stimulated by whatever…

 

👊DOES NOT  MEAN THAT YOU NEED TO SHARE IT!👊

 

And the sexually, emotionally, spiritually mature soul understands and appreciates this very truth.

 

It’s called respect for your fellow human beings.

It’s called being a MF grown up.

It’s called taking responsibility for yourself, your body, thoughts and feelings.

 

So NO, NO I don’t want to know how you perform in bed.

No, I don’t want to know how much love you have in your heart.

No, I don’t want you to share how beautiful, hot, sexy or whatever “complementive” word you use, that you think I am.

No, I don’t want your 🍆🔥🥰😻.

 

Now if you have something to share about your views about a topic, or a question to something.

If you want to discuss things around the world, relating, health, spirituality, children, investing, business, or something…

Then good.

 

If you want me to give a flying “F” about your arousal, turn on, love, desire that you suddenly believe you need to slam into my face and anyone else who you have it for…

 

Well That I count as effing immature and disrespectful.

And if you really “love” me so much, then you will get it out of my face.

 

Do you know why sex is referered to as intimacy?

Why is it something that is “private” between the people who are engaging in it?

 

Because it is just that…

It’s a sacredness between the individuals that are engaged in it.

 

Intimacy is not something that you are to just experience with everyone.

 

🙏There is a sacredness to intimacy.🙏

 

Otherwise, there is no specialness to the relationship, to the feelings, to the love.

 

And perhaps this is exactly where our world is headed.

 

There are no more identifying boundaries.

No more sacredness in relationships.

No more rights to have something that no one else is allowed into.

 

💥WE MUST BE ALL INCLUSIVE SO WE DON’T HURT ANYONE’S FEELINGS. 💥

 

And we must mature past the idea that if a man gets aroused by a woman and let it be known, verbally, emoji, or even physically shown in some fashion, that  his ‘feelings” are more important than hers and she need to not shame him, not find disrespect in it, but instead effing applaud him for his “turn on” and thank him for just being authentically him. 🤦‍♀️After all, he needs to feel ‘safe’ being a man and in his arousal.

 

It’s sorta funny when I write it.

I can see so many other issues with this way of thinking.

And the sick thing is that I am just picking on arousal, desire, and our sex here. The boundaries that get stomped on for the individuals and the couples who are to allow others to share their feelings and needs without concern.

 

But it’s prevalent in a thousand other things in our world today as well.

 

Maybe you can see the correlation?

Maybe not?

 

All I can tell you is that if we keep down this path of making ourselves victims..

putting everyone else in charge of our feelings…

Slamming people for saying “no, I am not okay with your feelings overriding my feelings and that you think that I should put you first when you are not my child, my family, my mate?”

 

That this once beautiful concept of “take care of your community” is going to create utter destruction and separation.

 

💥The answers are always found within. 💥

 

Feeling good about yourself, feeling loveable, beautiful, worthy, valuable ALWAYS comes from inside.

And if you really want that,

You have to take self-responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, feelings ( including your arousal and desire) and your physical display.

 

If you want to be respected for how you choose to identify.

For who you are and what you want to create in life.

 

If you want to really be a changemaker…

 

Then respect the boundaries of others first.

Respect their relationships.

Respect their religion.

Respect their political views.

Respect their yes or no.

 

And above all else, realize that they don’t have to put your “feelings” in front of theirs. A healthy and smart individual will always put the oxygen mask on themselves first knowing that they will be more useful to the community by taking care of themselves first.

 

Just my rant thoughts for today.

Hopefully you find something to ponder, to inquire on, to explore in your heart and mind.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

IS GOING MONOGAMOUS AFTER BEING POLYAMOROUS LEVELING UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

👊💥👉IS GOING MONOGAMOUS AFTER BEING POLYAMOROUS LEVELING UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP?😳👈

 

It’s a personal thing.

Well it should be a personal thing.

 

Recently I saw a status update from a man who was in a polyamorous relationship with a woman and she was in a relationship with another man. She decided that she wanted to “level up ” her relationship with this other man and came to the man I know and shared her decision and reasons. Although he was hurt, he understood and they parted with respect and understanding.

 

Another person recently shared that they had gone through something similar:

 

Can anyone relate? Several love connections have recently decided to monogamously close their new relationships

We’ve stayed in touch, but there’s been no acknowledgment or curiosity of how this transition may affect the feelings of someone who still has active desires. While I believe everyone has the absolute freedom to decide what relationship structure they desire at the moment, I’m having emotions around the lack of attunement or transitional “aftercare”. 😔

 

Now granted this share stirrers a bunch for me and I will be sharing it over the week as we go along but for today I am focusing on the transition from poly to monogamous and why some people feel it is “leveling up” a relationship.

 

As many of you may be aware, I was once upon a time married for almost two decades. It was a monogamous marriage, very traditional, very normal by the standards and we had with it all the typical challenges that come with marriage.

 

I realized over the course of time that I felt trapped. I felt unseen. I felt controlled and like I had to sacrifice pieces of myself to keep the marriage going. I found myself not speaking my truth, hiding my emotions and thoughts around tons of things and it was all eating away at me. I became dead to life, caloused to my heart and feelings, as well as to my sex and a zombie in so many ways.

 

So one day, I decided that things had to change and I asked for a divorce.

 

My purpose was now to discover myself, learn myself, my sex, my body, my likes and dislikes. I felt like I had been living according to what my husband wanted of me and the lack of integrity was ridiculous. So my only focus in finding myself was to remain in integrity at all cost.

 

This concept of radical integrity which I quickly discovered was hard AF!

And scary, it was beautiful beyond measure.

It allowed me a space to do exactly what I wanted.

Learn me.

 

I entered this next phase of my life, dating multiple men, speaking what I wanted, setting boundaries on time, my heart and my sex that I felt good about. I was in control of myself.

 

Giving my best to each partner I chose to share myself with and getting only the aspects of them that they wanted to give, which was of course the best aspects. The fun. The play, the ability to hold space, to listen and share without concern or judgment.

It was beautiful.

 

Or was it?

As time went on, I truly believed that I was most likely not meant for just “one ”. After almost two decades of control and rules that monogamy seemed to impose on couples, I truly believed that it was not healthy or loving. I believed that monogamy was only for small minded, control based relationships where relationships were based in fear, insecurity, need and a desire to control someone else. I counted monogamy as an ego driven style of relating.

 

🙏Open relationships felt more loving and accepting. 🙏

 

It felt safer.

 

I did not have to put all my eggs into one basket.

I did not have to have needs met by one.

And that was a loving thing, to not expect everything from “one.”

 

As time went on, I found myself moving into less open relating and wanting more depth and connection with just a couple of men.

 

Here I landed into a double primary relationship, where I had two men and I was the primary to each of them and they to me.

 

Allowing for my stability in my life.

And for some amount of years we were pretty successful in our poly-based relationship.

 

That was we were successful UNTIL “I” got really stable in who I was, what I wanted, what I liked and did not like and spoke my truth.

 

My one partner was highly upset that  after years of going along with things and being playful and adventurous, I suddenly changed my ways and had harder boundaries in what I wanted and did not enjoy in our sexing. He stated that I did not know myself. Saying that I needed to trust him. You see he was great with me having boundaries around my heart that I had instilled through open relationship where it was vital for me to not get overly attached to anyone and lose myself in them.  But when it came to my boundaries around my sex and body, he was frustrated with me. He wanted to act out his fantasies with my body and he wanted me to want it and trust him in it. Of which I could not because his fantasies were not mine AND he did not penetrate my heart.

 

My other partner, with him I could soften and move into our sexing with ease. I trusted him here. I knew that he wanted for my pleasure and safety not for his fantasy. He had accessed a bit more of my heart and I was wanting to move more into that lush space with him. I wanted to go deeper and commit more. And so I found myself requesting to move to a more monogamous relationship with him.

 

Now granted he chose differently.

He did not want that with me.

He found it with someone else and he set me free.

 

Thank goodness he did too.

Because he gifted me with the best thing ever, my freedom.

Freedom to get very clear on what I really was aligned too and what I really desired in relationship.

 

I had learned so much from all my experiences.

And I knew that what I truly wanted was depth in a relationship.

I knew that I wanted to surrender fully into a relationship and let my heart be held by another.

 

I was tired of the armour that an open relationship had created in its attempt to drop all the armour that had been created in the monogamous marriage of my past.

 

And so fast forward to NOW.

 

👉The relationship that I was not  ready for 25 years ago when I was still married.

 

👉The relationship that I could not have handled just two years ago as I sorted through my feelings, perspectives and views on freedom, commitment and authentic love.

 

👉The relationship that over a decade ago I was not ready for because I believed that immersion was bad and ego based.

 

Today I am monogamous.

And so many people ask me, “WHY?”

 

How can I go from being so open in love, relationship and sex to only having “ONE?”

 

“So in the past you have had non monogamous relationships, but it seems like now you are happy in a monogamous relationship.  So do you think that was because It ultimately wasn’t the right relationship in the past?  Or do you think it was more about where you were in your life and what you wanted at that time vs now?  Or was it more about the partner and what they were comfortable or ok with? Or a combo of all.” – Client inquiry.

 

💥💥💥And to these people and the individuals above who recently went through a transition in their polyamorous loves “leveling up” to monogamy I say this…

 

To some yes, monogamy means all the negative terms I shared and more. It means control and loss of rights. It means that you sacrifice who you are, what you want to explore and who you get to explore with.

 

But when someone is moving from polyamory to monogamy, if they are not being pressured into it but actually want it, it is because they are wanting “more” in their relationship.

 

More:

👉depth

👉commitment

👉transparency

👉trust

👉respect

👉aligned goals

👉connection

👉surrender

👉heart

 

And they have come through the beautiful education of what polyomourous relationships teach and offer and are ready to fully immerse themselves into what they feel is “home.”

 

Why have I come back full force to monogamy?

Simple….

 

💥HE SEE”S ALL OF ME – There is nothing hidden in my relationship. He has witnessed me through a few years in different relationship labels and he has seen my weakness, my fears, my inner battles, my demons. He knows me and he is willing to keep unearthing the parts of me by my side as I go deeper into my soul and heart with him. He continues to choose me, all the while standing strong in who he is and what he needs and wants in our relationship.

 

 

💥WE ARE ALIGNED IN MIND< HEART< SOUL AND BODY – This means that our values are aligned in these areas. We have taken the time not only to delve into each other and truly listen and watch, but to also stand in vulnerability with each other and share. Our lives blend together with ease, not asking either one of us to make massive life changes or be something that we are not. Our views on the world are similar. We live in a dance of joint commitment to relationship happiness and strength instead of who is right or wrong.

 

💥A WHOLE PACKAGE- Not what you might think I mean here. The whole package is all about the alignment and the feeling of “home.” Here is the thing, we may enjoy other destinations when we are world travelers but the feeling of coming home is fantastic if you have a good home. But what if you live in your dream destination and have everything you can ever want for? What if the thought of being a world traveler sounds exhausting and full of drama, even empty? If your home is that spectacular then you just  want to bask in your joy of the home you have and really sink into it. You want to build your life there. This is called full immersion. And it is what the soulmate relationship is all about. I believe that we are all looking for this and we simply don’t believe it’s a real thing because we get led astray and hurt so much that we end up armouring our hearts to it. There is something inside we humans that want the equal yoking and entwinement of the whole being where we become one. This is because we crave at our deepest level to have rock solid trust, love and transparency with another and it can only truly happen when two people commit to each other and make zero room for interruptions, chaos or things that distract.

 

👊I HAD TO WANT AND BE WILLING TO BE HELD LIKE THIS.👊

 

And this is a scary AF place to want to set up camp.

Let me tell you this.

Open relationships allowed for detachment, even encouraged it.

I taught myself that was the most loving thing to do.

 

💥Soul-monogamy💥requires unbelievable trust in surrendering into your mate and removing anything that can be perceived as a barrier. Ultimate transparency and acceptance of self and your partner. The reality is you cannot have soul-monogamy with just anyone. You must be ready for it and you must have the right person show up to meet you in this meadow of the rest of your life. 

 

It is Soul-penetration.

 

Yeah, there is a lot here and I hope that you found something for where you are at in your relationship and style.

There is no right or wrong in relating.

The only thing you ever need to do is find ALIGNMENT for where you are and speak your truth about it.

Your soul and heart are learning, and it is your responsibility to listen to the lessons and have faith in your steps.

 

For me, Soul-monogamy is my true path.

The rules that I was once intolerable of are now my heart’s desire.

I am not controlled by the container that we have built together but instead freed by it to know that I am protected and supported by my choices and my commitment and that my partner is aligned to these as well.

 

Freedom comes with responsibility.

Responsibility is defined by the guidelines that help us to have clarity to know what is needed in any situation or choice to be made.

 

Commit to these things and you will find yourself one day in the arms of your soulmate. 

 

As Always, 

Loving you from here on your journey. 

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

DON’T LET YOUR INNER CHILD SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IT WILL!

👊👊👉DON’T LET YOUR INNER CHILD SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IT WILL! 😳👈👊
I have an issue with the word, “You.”
I also am incredibly sensitive in nature and empathic you might say. I feel when my partner pulls away emotionally from me and it sends me into a tailspin in my thoughts.
I can be very self-critical, I judge myself before someone else can even get the words together and I have already sentenced myself, convinced that I am at fault, not good enough, not thinking right, feeling right and should just shut up about whatever the subject might be that has created this drama that I don’t want to deal with.
In the same, I was raised an only child (although I am not an only child) and with it I have a blended feeling of righteousness, as though the world ‘should’ just get on board with what I want. I am strong in my opinions about things and not afraid to speak them often.
I also have a blend of being the baby in the family and the eldest child in another way, because I found myself parenting my mother frequently… meaning I was the listening ear, the therapist, the peacekeeper, her friend, her sister…
I was rarely her child.
Except she guarded me and helicopter parented me like the baby.
My father wanted a son and he got me. Leaving me feeling like I was never good enough, never strong enough, a let down and there was nothing that I could do to fix it, so I was the best Tom boy that I could be with my barbies in hand, a baseball bat, fishing pole, and my fascination for nature and wild creatures.
All of this and so much more, created an inner child who is strong willed, temperamental, calculating yet hot headed at times, deeply emotional, fearful of not being worthy or good enough and yet that she is too much to handle and her truth is not acceptable for the world and especially the one she chooses to give her heart too.
And this inner child, well she gets things wrong a lot.
She acts from sheer emotion frequently and thank goodness for the parenting I have done for myself and self-healing and growing to see things so that I can nip them in the butt quicker than in years past.
I have learned that criticism is typically not a healthy stance to take.
For self or others.
And it certainly is not a loving act in an intimate relationship.
It actually creates separation and wraps both parties up into the blame game which steals our personal power and triggers wounds from childhood and past relationships.
Let me explain this just a tad bit more.
Typically when we are being critical with our partner what we are actually attempting to do is to inform them that we have a complaint about their action or behaviour.
An example might be that my partner and I have an agreement in our relationship to check in with each other. He texts me faithfully every morning when he arrives at work saying, “At office.”
I message back that I love him, letting him know that I received the message.
Now let’s say that he skips a day because he got caught up right away in a conversation at work and had to deal with something. One thing led to another as they do and he meant to message but never made it to it.
A few hours go by and my mind has now wandered into places of concern for him, or what happened because this is our pattern, our thing and he did not follow through.
Let’s say that I call him and say,
“What happened? I guess you think it’s okay to just not do what we agreed to and you obviously don’t care about my feelings or concern. I don’t believe you forgot because this is what we have been doing since we got together. It was just selfish of you to not slow down and think about texting me. How long does it take to just say at the office?”
This does not feel good, does it?
It blames him for his actions, my feelings and tells him that he is bad, selfish, I don’t trust him, I can’t trust him, I don’t believe him and that he is bad. It plays on any triggers from his youth about not getting it right and most likely may cause fear of abandonment. It also gives no space for human error and situations that arise for any of us. In truth if I were to say this to him, I would be the one who was being self-centered and not wanting to take any responsibility for my thoughts, feelings or how I am approaching him or his feelings. I am going into victim mode in this stance.
A healthy way to deal with the same situation might be,
“Hey love, just calling to make sure everything is okay. I got a bit scared since you have not texted like normal to let me know you were at the office, I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Can you feel the difference?
Can you see the supportiveness, love, compassion and connection building in the second one versus the blame and shame in the first?
Which will lead to a healthy outcome?
Which creates a space for listening and for connection?
Exactly the second one.
Our words mean so much, and communication is vital to a happy, healthy relationship. Often people don’t express issues they are having, they instead express criticism. Expressing your frustration and upset, calmly and with a willingness to receive the others humanness shows unconditional love and support, instead of blame which creates separation, walls, fear and judgement.
The next thing our inner child might try and sabotage our relationship with is CONTEMPT. 😳
Contempt is a nasty little booger.
It goes far past criticism.
Criticism attacks your partner’s character, however contempt assumes a position of moral superiority.
Wowza!
This really shows its nasty head in situations where we get into comparison with our partner.
We tend to be acting strictly from our wound, our pain body in these moments. And we might say things such as,
“Yeah, yeah… you never feel good. You are always tired. Don’t you see what I have been doing for you, this house and family? Stop being so pathetic and just fix yourself already. If I had a dollar for every time you …”
Here is where we step firmly into righteousness land.
Making ourselves better than our partners and pointing them into the land of not good enough no matter what.
Typically our righteousness blinds us from being able to see our partners for who they are and what they are actually doing because we are caught up in our checklist and rules book of how it is supposed to look and the time line that we have impressed upon them ‘getting it right and proving themselves to us.’
Contemp arises because of the fear that we hold inside around abandonment and not being worthy enough to hold onto love.
It stems from a wounded inner child that felt unseen, unloved, not recognized and most likely was reminded of their shortcoming frequently. Anything that triggers it in our adult relating will put us here in the land of comparison and contempt that he/she has it better than us and does not appreciate it or what we have done.
This is a killer to creating lasting love and trust in a relationship and will always lead to our partners feeling like they are damned no matter what they do.
As a child, raised in the manner that I was.
As a virgo, who is super self-critical.
As a woman, who was a little girl who just desired her daddy’s acceptance and love, approval.
And not wanting to get things wrong in general but still being damn good at being human, one of the hardest grown up things that I have had to learn and get right with is, making mistakes and taking responsibility for them.
I believe that this is potentially THE BIGGEST issue in a relationship.
All relationships.
Love, parenting, friendship, work, don’t matter.
I know I am far from alone in learning how to be emotionally mature and own my own bull.
But there’s more to self-responsibility then just saying,
“I own my part.”
We have to follow that up with our actions.
And we have to make changes to not repeat the mistakes.
That says more than anything : I take responsibility for my words/actions here.
However, what happens more than this is DEFENSIVENESS.
And we make excuses for why it happened, almost begging for forgiveness and understanding.
Again we put ourselves into the victim mode instead of self-empowered mode. Plus, we say to our partner with our excuse that we don’t take their concern, feelings, thoughts, needs seriously.
We are not willing to take responsibility but instead point blame to an outside source.
Not saying that one cannot share “why” things happened the way they did, that is not a bad thing and helps our partner understand the full picture. But if we come out the gates without recognizing that our partner has a concern and instead just run over them with excuses and defense moves, or shifting the subject, pointing fingers back at them and such, we are shutting down communication and love.
Defensiveness is normal.
No one likes to be blamed or feel blamed.
But if we are to have a happy and healthy relationship then we have to shift past our normal defaults and practice a deeper, more loving communication style where both sides aim to find resolution in happiness instead of who is right or wrong.
The final wounded inner child tactic of sabotage on your relationship I want to share today is known as stone walling.
This is where the listener withdraws from the conversation. They shut down and simply stop responding to their partner rather than deal with the issue. They may all of a sudden become very busy with something and use maneuvers such as looking away, moving to a different room, saying they have to get to work, or even doing something as simple as doing the dishes or tapping their foot.
Stone walling is a childish behaviour that many people make use of when they feel extreme discomfort in discussing an issue in the relationship that may be too emotional for them at the time.
I had an intimate relationship for years just like this. My partner then, consistently would stone wall any issue. He would just act as though I did not exist anymore. In order for me to be seen by him, I would have to literally grovel and ask for forgiveness for what he perceived I did wrong and he would sit with a stone face and finally say, “Don’t worry about it.”
But that was just a lead into more stone walling.
Where he would tell me not to worry, to forget it.
What he wanted was for me to FIX MY EVIL WAYS.
Although, as it is in many instances in relationship, there was nothing to fix, or the things he was hurt about he had no idea what I could do to make better or right, just leaving me with the statement,
” You know what you did, you know what I want.”
The issue was that all I knew is that I did not like the feeling of being cast out.
I was asking for direction and wanted to do my part, but did not know what he needed from me to make it right.
And sometimes he was mad at me about what others had done, or his perception of events and was upset that he had been triggered but did not know himself what to do.
His path as a child was to coil up and hide.
To become aloof.
Separate as best he could from his pain.
And he brought this pattern to our relationship which in turn triggered my fear of abandonment.
My daddy issues about not being good enough or getting it right and a desire to please him at almost all cost.
So much so, like I did when my dad got upset with me and pulled away, I found myself in this unhealthy relationship acting the same and shrinking into my wounded child to meet his wounded child and we danced together in seperation.
Until one day, like any of these behaviours will lead to if used repeatedly and unconsciously from that sabotaging inner child state, we seperated.
 
A healthy format might have been to say,
“I am really emotional and upset about this right now. I don’t feel safe discussing it and need time to think and calm down. Can we talk later?”
 
Feel the difference from the stone walling?
I do.
And that is why I share this article today with you.
I see these behaviours being used frequently.
We are all guilty of them at different times, and if you think you are not,
THINK AGAIN.
Because you are human and wounded.
These are typical patterns of relating.
However, as we emotionally mature it is our responsibility to own our emotions and feelings, thus our actions and recognize our thoughts that lead to them.
Acting from an emotional mature space means that we as adults in a loving relationship will want to deal with any problem that arises and work through it right away. Where that inner child will choose one or more of these patterns and make excuses, point fingers and avoid.
The inner child will find themselves revisiting the wounds and fear,
sabotaging and recreating the history they did not enjoy living through in their once loving relationship of today.
Just something to ponder on this Friday.
As Always,
Loving you from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

WE WOMEN BOND WITH MEN PHYSICALLY.

💥💥🌹WE WOMEN BOND WITH MEN PHYSICALLY💥💥💥

 

Meaning we bond with men through physical connection.

Sex! and Touch.

 

You have sex with a guy and have an orgasm and you my beautiful are bonding to him.

 

The hormone oxytocin releases which is 👉THE BONDING CHEMICAL!👈

 

Rose tinted glasses are put on and you start to see him as something yummy, and relationship potential.

 

But the issue is that…

 

👉MEN DON’T BOND THROUGH SEX!😳😳😳

 

They want sex, they love sex, but they don’t fall in love and bond through sex.

 

They don’t feel compelled to get all up in their “feelings” because they had some damn good sex with you.

 

And it really just breaks down to basic primal natures here.

Men are created to sow their seed, women to nurture the seed.

 

(*I want to say that I am speaking generalized, of course exceptions apply to this basic human rule and the points I aim to make today are not just toward just women but also men, as they are all about development of the self to create a sustaining happy and healthy relationship with a partner.)

 

Now back to the meat and potatoes of sex, bonding and what ATTRACTS A HIGH VALUE MAN.

 

Let’s first define a high value man.

 

High value (man or women) AKA what society wants us to believe is woke, conscious, divine, spiritual, etc… whatever hootie- tootie popular labels you want to give it which are NOT (sorry, not sorry, just saying and you will see why.) EQUALS or is defined as…

 

👊Emotionally and physically Grown Up!👊

 

Of which the majority of both sexes are not.

 

To be emotionally and physically grown up you are emotionally mature, not meaning caught in your emotions, or overly emotional expressive or led by them, but that you can process them, understand them, look for understanding, compassion, love, empathy and can stand behind your words and values.

 

Being physically grown up means that you are RESPONSIBLE.

You can pay your bills, you take care of your stuff in all areas of life, you don’t have a bunch of chaos and baggage in your life, you are not in victim mode, you are self aware. PLUS…

You are sexually responsible for self and respect boundaries and needs. Such as birth control, safe sex methods, emotional/mental sexual boundaries and do not impose fantasies or past items onto your partner.

 

YOU GET THAT SEX IS NOT JUST PHYSICAL BUT ALSO MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL.

 

And you are human enough to care about the person that you are sleeping with.

 

💥MEN DON’T TYPICALLY BOND THROUGH SEX.💥

 

Meaning they don’t get as attached as women do in sex.

 

Men attach/bond through experiences,

through social activities with their woman,

hobbies, mutual interests, adventures.

 

👉By doing things together.👈

 

Because men are ACTION oriented.

They want to see a woman in action,

see how she deals with things.

What her responses are.

Where she loses her cool.

Her sense of humor, adventure, common grounds with them.

 

Can he drop into his masculine fully with her and trust her?

A man that is in victor consciousness NOT victim consciousness wants a woman he can trust.

 

IF HE IS LOOKING FOR COMMITMENT AND LOVE.

Partnership.

Relationship.

He wants foundation and direction.

 

 

👉What we have in today’s world is a bunch of talk and little to no action in our dating and relating.

 

Outside of some casual hook ups, which both parties enter fully armoured up emotionally and thus physically too. Providing limited pleasure or trust in any area.

 

And we attempt to build lasting relationships on THIS.

 

All that phone chatting,

that texting,

That face timing we women believe is connection and relationship building….

 

WELL IT’S NOT to a man.

 

We think we can build a deep, passionate, connective, emotional connection with  man and he will want to do life with us and take us seriously even if he is a thousand miles away and we only see him once a month.

 

Or he lives not that far away but we only see him one date night a week.

 

These sort of relating ideas keep separation and do not instill a desire from the man long term.

 

That is why so many women wonder,

 

“What happened?”

 

When the man they have been dating for so long all of a sudden ghosts them, disappears, or says that he wants to talk.

 

We women think,

“He must be a commitment phobe or emotionally unavailable.”

 

We hear all day long about those things.

👉👉👊The “wounded masculine.”😳😂🧐

 

 

Well, here is the thing…

 

It’s not about the wounded masculine, although that is a thing…

Most men however are actually just following their design code here and losing interest in you because they are NOT emotionally bonded with you the way that you are with them.

 

💥💥IT IS THAT SIMPLE.💥💥

 

Much like men.

Men are simple creatures.

Yes they are complex.

Yes they  have deep feelings.

Yes they are so many brilliant things.

 

But men, men are simple.

And when it comes to a man bonding to a woman,

opening his heart to her.

That means that he feels like he can TRUST her.

 

And an emotionally mature man, wants these things from a woman in order to that:

 

👊💥👉TRANSPARENCY – Its a popular word for today. Everyone talks about it but hardly anyone understands it, especially in relationship terms with an intimate partner. And if they do understand it at all, even one tenth then they may feel a bit of upset stomach… because transparency in relationship means this: If it is material to the relationship, meaning it may effect you or I, then it needs to be spoken, shared, etc.😳 And often we feel this is an embreaching on our personal boundaries and rights in relationship and that another person has no right to ask things of us or to know unless we are very committed. However, an emotionally mature person will want this from someone earlier on before they buy all the way into the relationship and commit. They will not have trust in you without it. ( men and women alike)

 

👊💥👉EMPATHY- Another hot word of our day and age. But empathy is more than just feeling someone else’s feelings, it’s also caring about their feelings. Women typically have bank accounts full of empathy when they are getting into a man,  so much so that many women become door mats to men and all they care about is how he feels.  THIS IS NOT ATTRACTIVE nor does it instill trust in your guy. He has had plenty of dealings most likely with women like you on this and he knows that it leads to blow up where the truth will come out. He does not want this! If he is truly a grown up man, he will want your truth in the moment and he will want to deal with it right there. Here comes your transparency… Other women get caught up in the contrast between their personal feelings and their guy’s feelings and they may become very entitled with their feelings, not caring about the man’s. This is because they may be bitter and resentful because of past situations and the fear and pain they still carry and have not worked through yet. This too, is NOT ATTRACTIVE or safe for the man. What a grown up man, a high value man is wanting and attracted to, what he can lean in and trust and commit to is him and his woman coming together and genuinely caring about each other’s feelings. That they both want to know where and how the other is.

 

👊💥👉YOU TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY – A high value man does not want a woman who is jaded, bitter, resentful and blaming men for where she is at in life. Just like you would not want that from him, he feels the same. And if someone is always complaining and not able to take responsibility for their part in past relationship failure and challenges, even if their partner ghosted, cheated, or abused them then they are still stuck in their wound and playing the victim. Taking responsibility for your actions, your choices and what is happening in your life is sexy and attractive.

 

👊💥👉YOU ARE A HEALTHY FIGHTER-  A grown A*s man understands that conflict will happen in intimate relationships. He knows that couples fight, but he wants to know that he can trust you even here to come from love and rock solidness with a desire to do what is right and best for the partnership not just YOU. He does not aim to be right and he will not be attracted to a woman whose mission is to prove that she is right and he is wrong.

 

👉Healthy fighting, especially in intimate relationships is about looking for happiness over rightness. 👈

 

This means that when friction comes up, you are willing to listen to your partner, be present, communicate back to them what you heard, receive any adjustments they may have, and ACCEPT that their viewpoint is true for them.

 

Then to offer your truth, being your viewpoint to them and explain anything in ease and understanding that they may have not fully grasped.

 

Then to come to a realistic agreement about the disagreement.

 

This is healthy conflict communication.

It is not about being right but standing in empathy and compassion with a desire to find happiness for both instead of rightness for one.

 

 

💥💥💥Last but not least…💥💥💥

 

 

👊💥👉YOU HAVE STANDARDS-  This means that your actions match your values. Yes YOUR ACTIONS!

Remember that men are action oriented and they need to see that they can trust you in different situations in life, physically, mentally, emotionally to have the standards of backing your values.

Your words ‘should’ just be a bi-product of your values.

Your actions need to line up to what you say you value.

If you say you value honesty, but you cannot be honest about where you want to go, what you need from him and then swallow your words around that and expect him to read your mind and get it right, only to bite his head off months later about it, then guess what… your actions DO NOT MATCH YOUR SAID VALUE.

 

It’s that simple.

If you wonder if you guy is a grown up, if he is a high value man, then this one thing is a vital key to finding out.

A “wounded masculine” or emotionally immature man will not want you to have standards. And he certainly will not like you supporting your standards/values with your actions and words.

 

 

👊👊👊BOTTOM LINE👊👊👊

 

MEN CAN GIVE THEIR BODIES AWAY FAR EASIER THAN WOMEN, BUT IT TAKES A LOT MORE SECURITY AND TRUST FOR THEM TO GIVE THEIR EMOTIONAL SIDE AND HEART.🥰

 

The whole package an emotionally and physically mature man is looking for starts with these elements in a woman, NOT being a freak in bed… not being his therapist on the phone for hours on end…not being his maid and cook… and not being his coach on the field of life.

 

As great as all of those things are and can be,

They have a time and place.

True partnership and commitment is based in trust.

 

👉👊😳All of these points I share here are a two way street ladies and gents. Gentlemen, a high value woman wants all the same from YOU!!!!

 

 

Ready to stop settling for less in love and commitment?

Want to call in that high value relationship that is actually a life long partnership?

Wanting your soulmate?

 

That’s what I specialize in, helping dynamic souls like you find love and happiness in a world that seems hopeless most days.

 

As Always,

Loving You From Here.

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

IS YOUR COUPLEHOOD-PRIVILEGE CAUSING ISSUES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

 

🌹👩‍❤️‍👨👉IS YOUR COUPLEHOOD-PRIVILEGE CAUSING ISSUES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

 

It should not be, but it often does in today’s world.

 

This has been a BIG topic as of late and so here I am sharing it with you. I have heard everything from,

 

“Well your kids should be your primary relationship.”

“Is sex the only thing that changes things?”

“Why does your primary relationship have to be your mate/spouse/person you are dating-living with? Why can’t it be a friend?”

“It’s not fair that you spend the majority of your time/attention focused on your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend, what about us/me?”

 

And so many more statements.

I have heard it from monogamous folks, polyomourous folks, and anything inside or outside of this as well. The children, friends, secondary lovers, family members of these couples are all complaining about…

 

👉👩‍❤️‍👨COUPLEHOOD-PRIVILEGE👩‍❤️‍👨👈

 

As if it’s a bad thing.

 

I mean how dare a couple choose each other, make each other a priority, want to focus time, attention, thought on each other and design a life together where they “do life in all ways – TOGETHER.”

 

How dare they make each other PRIMARY!

 

That is so self-centered and selfish of them, right?😂🤣😂

 

Well, the world around us with its desire to strip away labels and make everyone equal and the same certainly would have you believing so, however it’s just not true.

 

I believe that this sort of mindset comes from the same lineage as the one of , “There should be no winners or losers, we are all participants here and need to be treated equally. That’s the only fair thing.”

 

Well baby, life is extremely fair no matter what, I can promise you that.

Life gives you EXACTLY what you put into it.

The problem is that our society has come into this belief that things need to be equally balanced and fair where no one gets their ‘feelings’ hurt and no one gets more of anything (including your love, attention, time in a committed relationship).

 

👉If that were so, then what the heck is the point of getting into a committed relationship?

 

👉Why even look for love or want partnership?

 

And to a great degree what we are witnessing in the dating realm these days is just this…

 

💥A RISE IN CASUAL RELATIONSHIP.💥

 

No one wants to ask of someone else their needs.

People are afraid to share their boundaries.

They don’t want to impose on anyone else, because after all what right do they have to ask anything of the person they are wanting to be intimate with, share time and space with, make plans with, have babies with, go into debt with?

 

Instead, they just stay hushed up.

And this keeps relationships casual, disconnected, superficial and empty.

 

We fear asking because we don’t want to upset the cart, but what we don’t realize is that we are upsetting our own cart.

 

We are not loving or valuing ourselves and what we need and desire in a relationship when we do not state clearly these things.

 

And yet what do we see, with all the hushing and fear, we also have a bunch of extreme vocal victim mindset people out there, first in line to point fingers and blame as to how “others” are not being fair by not being inclusive.

 

They should not be allowed to do/be/have/act in any fashion that is not okay with whomever this complaining victim person is.

 

And it shows up in relationships.

 

Recently I was working with a couple who is monogamous, the wife has a best friend that is female, they are as close as can be, like sisters. Beautiful right?

However, the wife focuses more attention, time, energy to that friendship than she does to the marriage. To her husband. And if he asks for time, a date, or even travel, the wife says, “Well what about Jenny? I told her I was going to do this or that.”

 

The husband frustrated and feeling abandoned in the relationship is on the cusp of looking outside the relationship for other intimacy. After years of this attitude from his beloved wife he is truly struggling. As one might imagine.

 

The wife will make excuses to him about the fact that her friend being single needs her, she does not  have support and companionship like a couple so the wife feels it important to take her friend out to drinks and shows, on ‘girls trips’ multiple times a year.

 

👉THIS IS NOT HEALTHY FOR THE MARRIAGE!

 

Many women get enwrapped in their female friendships.

They support their fellow women as a sister-hood and it truly is beautiful and powerful. We ladies need this.

 

The issue comes in when we make our female friendships our priority to our partnership with our spouse/ the one we are dating and committed to.

 

Simply put,

 

👊YOUR FOCUS SHOULD ALWAYS FALL TO THE ONE YOU ARE WANTING TO DO LIFE WITH.👊

 

Otherwise, you won’t be doing life with them very long. 😳

or at least it will not be happy, connected, intimate, in sync or deep.

 

People get thier booty tickled over not being primary in someone’s life, they feel as though they are just cast away and mean nothing if they are not the center of attention or getting what they deem appropriate time and energy from whomever they want it from. This happens to all of us somewhere along the line, however the emotionally mature soul will understand that we are designed to have ONE primary partner.

 

In a partnership/marriage/intimate relationship this should be the person you are committed to here. ( Monogamous or polyomourous, does not matter.) THIS person gets the majority of the time and ALL others, children, friends, family, other lovers, etc are SECONDARY.

 

Yes dear, it’s a hierarchy and it is to be such so that the primary partnership remains just that – PRIMARY AKA PRIORITY.👊💥👊

 

Putting your priorities anywhere else for very long in a committed relationship will hinder and cause major long term issues in the relationship.

 

I have heard a lot about the negativity of hierarchy in partnership/committed relationships, to be honest I don’t see an issue unless it is being used as though one partner is boss over the other. That is not a partnership to begin with. Partnership means discussions, communication is key, transparency is a must and loving self, respecting yourself enough to speak those truthful words to your partner is a requirement in a happy, healthy partnership. It only becomes an unhealthy hierarchy if one person is fearful of losing the other if they are authentically themselves. If one partner feels they need to hide, change or become something to keep the partnership then it becomes an unbalanced hierarchy.

 

But a hierarchy it still should be.

A family cannot be equal where all family members get to have equal say and rights in making decisions. If we allow our ten year old to decide on family direction then things may be lost in the land of Minecraft. If you put your financial future into the hands of your 16 year old then how well will your golden years fair? And if you just give, give, give to your children, you will exhaust yourself and only find that your children are ungrateful and expectant not understanding real life issues at all.

 

Friendships cannot overrule your partnership either.

They must be secondary. They are friendships and if you feel called to give more here than to your life partner, you might want to reevaluate your partnership, because you are obviously not committed, in love or aligned the way you once were.

 

In an open relationship, if you allow your secondary partner(s) to become the focus point of your life, they will become your primary partner and your primary partner will be gone to someone who will value them properly.

 

In ALL couplehood the “couple” is a UNIT. 

It must be that two become ONE.(the hierarchy)

Having each other’s backs or losing each other to the wolves of all the other relationships that no matter how loving and supportive those outside relationships are, have themselves in mind and at the forefront of their focused desire.

 

YOU MUST DECIDE WHAT YOUR PRIORITY IS.

Where you put your attention will show the truth.

 

Is your couplehood-privilege causing issues in your other relationships? It certainly might be with the way our world operates, but if you truly love your partner, want to do all of life with them and want to know you have each other’s backs….

 

👉Set boundaries.

👉Have difficult conversations with those asking you to give, give, give.

👉get clear on what your couplehood goals and desires are.

👉And clean your relationship house up! Don’t be afraid to take out the trash of the relationships that cannot support your couplehood-privilege or are making demands on you that can destroy the love you have with your partner.

 

As Always,

Loving you from here,

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.