Safety In Relationships – What That REALLY Means!

Safety In Relationships – What That REALLY Means!

 

Relationship. 

Most humans want a relationship, 

They are looking to be loved, to be cherished and cared for. 

One of the main things I hear over and over again in my couple’s work or when working with a client who has recently come out of a relationship is that they “just want to feel safe.”

 

The word safe, the concept of safety in an intimate relationship is one that seems like it should be a ‘no duh’ sorta thing, right?

 

I mean, why would you get into a relationship with someone if you don’t feel safe?

That is causing you some sort of harm. 

Often, though, the word safe does not mean that one is being abused. 

It does not mean that they are being harmed in any physical or emotional fashion even, 

All it is in relation to is that the individual doesn’t feel that they can trust their partner with their most intimate realms, with their needs, fears, complaints, opinions, or true ideas around certain topics without their words and feelings being used against them somewhere down the road. 

 

And these are BIG issues in modern intimate relationships of all manner. 

 

The ability to trust and be vulnerable with our mate is what is required if we are to truly be able to rest in the arms of the relationship and enjoy happiness, connection, and longevity. 

If we are aiming to go the long haul with someone then we must be able to trust them and reveal ourselves. 

 

ALL of ourselves. 

Although NOT all of the time. 

I should make the critical point here that the concept that trust and vulnerability, knowing everything that there is to know about each other and providing a space where there is nothing hidden is and often can be detrimental to the relationship. We must understand that we will never fully know any other human being on this planet in totality. We must as well understand and accept that always stating the “brutal honest truth” is not always the healthiest nor most loving thing for the relationship. Sometimes the “brutal truth” is a criticism that doesn’t need to be stated at that moment and will quickly trigger an old wound that will manifest into an avalanche of pain and disconnection for the couple. Sometimes, these painful “truths” need to be swallowed by the one who is wanting to share them because they only cause harm to the entity of “us” to the relationship and thus to the individuals in the relationship. 

 

We see this consistently in arguments. 

How many times have you found yourself losing sight of the point that you were originally wanting to make or the solution that you were wanting to find because  you or your partner were triggered and thus an argument stirred up and all points were lost?

 

Next thing you know, one harsh word is quickly followed by another and there is an assasination of each person’s character happening. Creating further wounding and separation as each enter the blame game and armour up in their towers against the enemy that they call their soulmate. 

 

Safety in relationship means simply that I can trust you to care about me. 

To want what is best for me. 

To care about my feelings. 

And to not use them against me down the road. 

 

The saying that all is fair in love and war is pretty accurate however, and we tend to file away the things that our partners share with us in deep vulnerability only to use it for ammo another day. 

 

Unfortunately, this tactic only leads to separation, fear to share, to open up and creates a space where both parties do not trust the other. 

 

In early stage relationship ( the courting phase and honeymoon) we desire to learn all that we can about our mate. We are mesmerized by their hearts, how they see life, what they have lived through, what their dreams are and fears. We want them to know that we have their backs, that we are a rock for them that will not waiver. Our rose tinted glasses keep us focused on “what we can do for them” and the beauty of the entity of “us” that makes up this relationship. We intently listen with limited judgement about their past and present. And we offer all the same of ourselves. 

 

Give a couple years of relationship and we almost 100% of the time find a radically different dynamic happening. 

 

Now, we find exhaustion in our partners fears and dreams. 

We look at the relationship and we say, “What have you done for me lately?”

We point out all the times that we were there and they were not. 

We find ourselves drifting off in judgement and criticism in our heads and thoughts when our partner shares with us, and we believe that we know them so well that we already know what they will be sharing about their thoughts and feelings around any given topic. 

 

This is where the statement of:

 

“You always…”

“You never…”

And so many more “YOU” comments are birthed. 

 

From the very first vocalizations of these comments we no longer have our focused on the entity of “us” or a desire to make the relationship better, but instead we have turned our attention to the blaming of our partner and all that they have done to create pain for us. 

 

Not realizing that we have been triggered by something, 

That we are not in alignment or agreement with what they have shared. 

Most often, this is seen when one partner is sharing a feeling.

The other will feel guilt, irritation, frustration, fear, anger  around the feeling shared and it translates to them that their partner is blaming them for the feeling. 

However, no one is responsible for our feelings. 

No one can make/force you to feel anything. 

Feelings come from within. From the way we are viewing things, how we relate that to our past and the perceptions that we are having about our current or future. 

You see, when our partner shares a feeling with us that we do not agree with, we stop being able to hear them accurately after 10 seconds. That is about three sentences worth of sharing before you drift off into your own inner dialogue about what your partner is attempting to share.

 

And before you know it you are reacting to your story line about what is happening instead of the truth. 

 

It’s sorta like your partner says, “ I feel hungry.” 

And you instantly feel guilty for not having food available, ready or making an offer to them to eat something. So your reaction without the conscious thought about why you are responding the way you are is, “ We just had lunch two hours ago.”

Your tone is of frustration or irritation as to “how could they be hungry again?”

Next thing you know the tone of your comment says to your partner, “He/she does not care that I am hungry and instead is angry with me about being hungry. Maybe I should not be hungry. I don’t want my partner to be upset with me.”

 

If this scenario is repeated multiple times over a relationship it creates a pattern. 

And it plays on the program that the majority of us have from childhood that says that we don’t want to be a nuisance or to ask for our needs if its going to cause issues. 

 

And, so we quickly learn that even in our most intimate loving relationships that we are not safe to reveal our feelings or needs. That there are conditions to being loved by this other individual and that we need to abide by them in order to remain in the relationship. 

 

Now the example above may seem silly to some, because if you feel hungry then you feel hungry. The same as if you feel cold. Who are any of us to argue with someone feeling either of these things. We are not in their bodies. 

Yet, over and over again we argue with our mates about how they feel and try to disarm those feelings by making them less or turning our partners feelings into poisonous darts that we assume are deliberately aiming at our egos.

 

Making neither party feel safe in the relationship.

Both are now questioning how much they can reveal, how much they can trust and in turn often choose to not share as much moving forward. 

 

Creating separation and surface level communication, loving, sharing and intimacy. 

Depth dissipates and the two people become individuals again instead of residing in the entity of “us.”

 

Always on the lookout for the next time their partner says something that reminds them of when… and how it made them feel…

 

If we are to have “safety” in a relationship then we need to respect one anothers feelings, understanding that feelings are just that, feelings and there is no right or wrong way to feel. 

It most certainly is not our place to be judge and jury over our mates feelings about anything. 

What we can do to create a safe container for our love to evolve and grow is to become a better witness of our own mind and heart. To acknowledge that we are far from perfect ourselves and that we get triggered by our mates. If we want to have depth and trust in the relationship, then we need to take responsibility for our own realms and feelings and learn how to better communicate them and when so that we do not add to the fires of war but instead speak what is true. Becoming aware of our egos, our pain bodies and how our past impacts our current perceptions and ideas is vital to harvesting a strong, loving, connected relationship. 

 

However ,the only person on this planet that can do that for you is YOU.

And it will require you to want an empowered relationship with yourself first and then with your partner. It will force you to see your shadow self as well as your radiance and to learn timing, non-violent communication, what your real needs, wants and expectations are in your relationship and an upleveld way of sharing them. 

 

Relationships are not for the timid or weak hearted.

If you are among the many that believe that you can just get in one, set it to auto pilot and all is good, you will find yourself lost and alone pretty quickly. At very least feeling empty. 

Relationship with another human being means that you will have to explore a new you, over and over again. And the same of your mate. 

 

For time together, means transformation of the self and the entity of “us.”

 

Ready?

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

-KW

The body holds memory in its cells. Your organs, joints and muscles all contain emotional memory. Doing the mental/psychological work is vitally important however it does not release you from the bondage of your trauma. This can only be fully accomplished through physical release and restoration. Louise Hay studied this at great length and taught on the emotional connection to disease, ancient Chinese medicine studied the connection of the mind/body/emotional houses as well. Today science is proving that we are woven together and that by attempting to compartmentalize our very being into sections that we do not achieve the healing and transformation that we desire for any length of time because of this separation.

If you are tired of not having the lasting results in your self-growth and healing that you so badly want for and wonder why, look no further. Reach out to me today for your exploratory consult for structural quantum integration work where you will once and for all release the past traumas, restore vitality and health and have a fresh clarity on who you are and what your future can be.

Email me today for your FREE Explorative Consult for this Exclusive Bodywork Series.

What Getting Shot At Taught Me.

 

The bullets whirled past my head and shoulders. 

Horror encompassed every aspect of my being. 

We ran. We ran like there was no tomorrow because we did not know if there was one. 

I can still see the tall wheat grasses, golden in the afternoon sunlight, bending to our thrashing of them with each intensified step. 

I can grasp ahold of my only hope that we would clear the field, clear the firehouse doors and make it to Laura’s house. Laura was the woman I thought of as my grandmother, although she was of no blood relation or family to me. She and her brother Art lived across the field from us in a house that was built a hundred years before. I loved to play barbies in her house breezeway and under the remaining orange grove trees in the spring and summer. Laura would make me iced tea and we would sit in her rusty metal rocking chairs as she told me tales of her youth. Laura was my sanctuary as a child. Her house was a magical mystery from times I only saw in movies and read about and Laura with her long silver hair and dress from something like Little House on the Prairie was a woman who I felt safe with and on this Spring Day in 1980 my mother was hoping to find safety at Lauras as well. 

 

I was four-years old. My parents had been fighting off and on for a few days. My father had a temper, although most of the time he was calm, cool and collected. You never knew exactly what would set him off or when the eruption was going to happen. Life was peaceful and good 95% of the time and as long as everything was according to the order that he wanted it to be. My mother without true understanding pushed his buttons often with her carefree gypsy ways. However, today, today none of this was about any of that. It was about my mother wanting to visit her homeland of Germany and take me with her. It meant that we would be gone for four or five weeks, and I was so very excited about the adventures that lay before us on this journey. My father on the other hand, not so much. He was not good with his daughter leaving the country. 

 

And so, the fight erupted and without notice, the shouting led to fists through walls and breaking glass, doors slamming, and threats being made. I played outside, next to the old water cooler where I had built a shelter. I felt safe, was out of the way, and could still hear everything. But today my mom ran to my little dome habitat and grabbed my hand, told me to drop everything and come. Barbie in hand she pulled me with all her might as we rushed through the yard and into the field toward Laura’s house. Her weeping was loud, and I did not understand what was happening. 

 

Not until I heard the ring of my daddy’s pistol. 

And then I understood. 

 

I understood that he was mad and that something my mom had done had made him so. 

I understood that in order to keep the peace with the man I looked up to, who was my world (because I was daddy’s little girl, he walked on water many days with me), the man who I believed would never hurt me, always keep me safe, loved me, cherished me and that I respected without question… I understood that this peace was shattered. 

So much so that he was willing to shoot at us. 

At me. 

I had witnessed my father’s rage on a few occasions, and I already knew that he was not a man to be reckoned with. His word was the end of the line. He allowed me massive freedom in so many ways but demanded that I earn it. That I prove my worth and that I walk the line he had for me, and he demanded the same in a respect of my mother. 

 

This day in my fourth year of life was a day that bore with it an education around a relationship with a man that I am pretty sure my daddy never wanted me to experience nor have ingrained at the level that it buried itself in my psyche. But that is the path of parenting, we are still humans, and we are wounded humans at that. We allow our ego’s, our fear and pain to overrun us like my dad had done on this day and we act without the foresight of what the repercussions are for those we love. Often these repercussions are years long and sometimes a lifetime. 

 

What my daddy set in motion this day and events prior and after was the lesson of: 

 

PISS A MAN OFF, GET HURT.

Don’t do what you know will keep the peace…

Speak up too much…

Don’t get it right…

Show too much emotion…

Or opinion…

Do anything that is not pleasing to what he wants and there WILL be hell to pay. 

Perhaps even death.

 

I did make friends with the idea of death on this day and a few others that came close in similar events, and that is not a bad thing. I have understood that life is fleeting, and you never know when it’s gift of breath in your lungs will be taken from you, so enjoy the moment while you have it and be the best you that makes you feel good about yourself. Don’t take anything for granted. 

 

Those are the gifts from this traumatic event. 

The hard lessons that I have spent my life retraining myself on however, so that I can release myself from the shackles that I bought into in my youth, the ones that I get triggered daily with in my relationship with my partner, the ones that my clients bring to me and they wonder why I understand so deeply the fear, the need to be approved of, to not rock the apple cart in their relationships, the lessons that have seeped their way out and rebirthed themselves into sabotaging patterns with my friends and children. Those are the nasty boogers that just tear my heart out and demand that I find all the courage that I can muster up to overcome and get out of the comfort of what  my psyche believes is true, and because of this illusion my body has been trained to believe it as well so looks for the feelings that it associates with this “truth” in the day to day relating of life and then reacts from there creating a vicious cycle.

 

But it’s not. 

 

You see, I write this musing today because of a conversation a while back with my partner. I shared the anxiety that I feel so often in our relationship. It’s funny, he does nothing to cause it, but if we have any amount of confrontation, difference of opinion or if I simply perceive that he is pulling away for any reason my inner four-year-old little girl takes off running in fear for her very life. 

Except I can’t blame my mom for upsetting the apple cart, I am the woman in the event rattling the cages and I stand before this man who I believes loves my every cell, has given so much of his life in our short time together to me and has done nothing but prove he will stand in the fire with me. There is no convincing my four-year-old though that she is safe. She has a track record from youth to other relationships to prove that she is not safe.  No matter how drastically different he is or our relationship in comparison to the past …

 

She points to all the childhood moments when her father showed no love or concern but only rage and torment. 

She points to the lies of her high school love and the abandonment she experienced. 

She points to her saga of marriage where every day was about fighting, was about survival, emotional betrayals and sexual expectation’s. Being told she was crazy, being told that she was the problem and then damned for walking away from the marriage. 

She points to the emotional warfare of her narcissistic, stonewalling sexually abusive relationship that followed that ended by her being physically broken and in the hospital. 

She points to the crazy she did not see in her relationships; the way men have always only wanted to control her and called that love. 

 

That four-year old has seen more than any child should ever have too. 

And today she finds herself recognizing her truth. 

She sees the lessons and she knows that they set a tone for a relationship with a man.

They set up an illusion as to what she should expect, should give, and should want in an intimate relationship. Creating weak boundaries. Poor self-worth. And a high level of responsibility for anything that appears to be wrong. A quick retreat. An even quicker need to run, to hide the delicate self.

 

Now, the grown ass woman, she knows this is all BS!!!!

She knows at her core that love does not demand that you see eye to eye or that one caves to the other and gives of themselves that, that deflates the very essence of who one is. The woman knows that love means that you accept the human error of your partner. That you cherish them even when they upset the apple cart. Your cart.

 

She is wise. 

Not blaming her daddy, her mother or anyone she has ever been in relationship with and at the same time not owning it all for herself. Because she can allow herself to feel her pain, her fear, and let her tears fall to the ground where they will grow something beautiful. She can see that we are all victims of victims, wounded children acting from places that we do not recognize and causing us to fear this world. We are all scared. 

 

Scared to lose. 

Fearful of not being enough. 

Or good enough for the one that we love. 

And many of us do not understand that love means letting go, 

While we cling to it with all the hope and enthusiasm as a child on Christmas morning. 

No, we forget that love is fire that can be easily put out through control. 

And that in our desire to control it to keep us and the one we love safe that in turn we make our beloved a slave.

We do not mean to cause harm.

We do not intend on creating trauma. 

Yet we do. 

 

But it always takes two to make lasting damage. 

It takes two who are willing to dance in this sea of the ego. 

 

I have had a life of emotional, physical, sexual abuse. 

I could easily write this with the concept that life is not fair. 

That I am a victim. 

Or stay in the comfort of believing that how I perceive things is accurate for my relationships and that I am not worthy, not enough, too much to handle, too emotional, to ‘broken’ and not loveable. That would have a strange sense of security to it because these are belief structures that I grew up with, that I was shown and taught in significant ways. 

However, that path will never be one that offers me the depth and truth that my soul craves. 

It will only lead me into a deeper concept that love is something that you must sacrifice yourself for and that I am only allowed it “If I do what is required in the way that is demanded.”

It will never offer authentic emotionally mature relating, mature love. 

And I would never achieve healing or happiness. 

I would remain shackled to these false truths and beliefs. 

My reality would not ever be altered. 

And I would simply find no more reason to babble on here. 

Why bother?

 

I share this tale like any of my tales with you because I want to provide you hope.

Hope and lessons, concepts at very least to help you see that you can achieve the life that you want for. You are worthy of it because you have a beating heart and air in your lungs, that is all that is required for your worthiness to have a good life. I want you to know that if a little girl from a nowhere spot in Northern California who grew up with not a whole lot can see that she is worthy and loveable just the way that she is, so can you. 

I want you to be able to take my words and ask yourself, “Why am I accepting these lies as my truths? Why am I accepting so little for my life, for my relationship, my wellbeing? Why am I believing the triggering fear that stems from my body’s reactions to an illusion that it embraces as reality?“ And I want for you to get mad!!! I want you to be frustrated and tired of just letting life go by with some silly concept that you are going to survive it and that your days here mean nothing. 

 

I want you to breathe in the fear of your inner child, 

Comfort that sweet baby, 

And grow the f-ck up. 

Stop letting that kid rule your world with his/her perceptions. 

Look your loved one in the eye and find a drop of faith that they actually love you.

And look yourself in the eye and find a drop of faith that God has a plan for you and that you might just like what is in store. 

 

No matter what your story is, take it from this wounded soul…

You can change that story. 

It’s going to take you wanting to so badly though, that you are willing to sacrifice the comfort of living in what you have been accepting all these years.

But you are worth that sacrifice and life is meant to be a beautiful, fulfilling thing. 

Not just something to exist in. 

 

Loving you from here always. 

Stop Existing & Start Living

-KW

The body holds memory in its cells. Your organs, joints and muscles all contain emotional memory. Doing the mental/psychological work is vitally important however it does not release you from the bondage of your trauma. This can only be fully accomplished through physical release and restoration.  Louise Hay studied this at great length and taught on the emotional connection to disease, ancient Chinese medicine studied the connection of the mind/body/emotional houses as well. Today science is proving that we are woven together and that by attempting to compartmentalize our very being into sections that we do not achieve the healing and transformation that we desire for any length of time because of this separation.

If you are tired of not having the lasting results in your self-growth and healing that you so badly want for and wonder why, look no further.  Reach out to me today for your exploratory consult for structural quantum integration work where you will once and for all release the past traumas, restore vitality and health and have a fresh clarity on who you are and what your future can be.

Email me today.

 

Monica’s Tale of Overcoming Death

Monica was a woman that most would envy. She was physically very beautiful by many people’s definition, she was independent, had done well for herself. She worked hard, seemed to have the respect of her peers and always sported a stunning smile. No matter what was happening in her life, no one would ever know it because Monica was always a radiant light with tons of energy to give and she loved helping others. She was a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend and she seemed to have it all in order. However, as the saying goes, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Monica, as intelligent and radiant as she was, was a woman with a shattered soul, a broken heart and found herself facing her inner demons on a daily basis. Today was no different than any other except today Monica sat on my couch revealing exactly what her inner world haunted her with. There she sat, eyes watering, twisting her hands in nervousness, tapping her foot and catching herself to breathe. She was well practiced in turning inward and locating that place of stillness, she had learned it many years ago as a child and she went there often in her adult life so that she could appear to be the rock that she perceived she needed to be for everyone in her life and world. But today, today that rock was breaking, and she wanted to share her pain. 

 

“Kendal, have you ever pondered your own death?” she started the conversation off with a glance in my direction before looking down at her hands and sighing. 

 

“ The reason I ask is because I do. Frequently. Actually daily. I get lost in the ideas of how freeing it must be to just let go of this world. To let go of all of the pain. To know that you can’t hurt anyone anymore and you cannot be hurt any longer either. Ya know?”

 

She went on with tears forming in her brilliant green eyes, “It’s like every morning I find myself asking, why am I still here? I look around and all that I see is a wreck of a life. I see all that I could have done, could have become, and I am met by this stranger in the mirror shortly thereafter who is empty and lost. This monster who has stolen everything from me. And then I realize that this monster is me. I am scared. I am tired and my body hurts some days more than my heart. I realize that there is no amount of love or attention that can patch these holes or get me to see differently, the very thought of someone even caring seems like a joke to me. I am a smart woman, well-educated and logical. I can see that I am writing this piss poor story and that I am being a victim to life. I get it. However, it seems that every time I focus on living from my heart, from the space of believing that I can make the changes I need to make for me and my family, something comes along not moments later and causes chaos. Knocks me off my horse and just proves that there is little to no reason to even try. That I am not strong enough to make the last change, to prove myself to anyone. Least of all myself that I am worthy of living. Worthy of love. All I see is this wounded, disgusting victim who is best off if not dead just making peace wherever she can and ignoring everything else.”

 

All I could say to Monica is, “Wow! I relate to everything you just shared. Thank you for your truth and vulnerability. It takes a massive amount of courage to not only see all of that inside of the self but to allow yourself to express and feel it. I have been in your shoes a few times over. I have wanted to pull the plug on this thing called life and not believed that I was of any value anymore. I have felt this level of lostness and been prey to the nasty cycle that you describe here of wanting for more, finding a taste of hope and only to have it ripped out from your fingers. Plummeting you down deeper into the well of nothing. You are not alone Monica. Your fear, pain, suffering and all your beautiful emotions are all normal.”

 

The reality is that life is mostly about suffering until we release ourselves from the bondage and chains of our ego. You could say that we have this parasite attached to us. It is a shadow, a ghost in the darkness that we are not frequently aware of, it makes us believe that it is us. That its attitudes, fears, anger, hatred and jealousy are just who we are. It has us believing with ease that its voice screaming at us in our head is our truth and that we should listen to it at all cost. It points out everything that we fear. And it is great at shining a bright spotlight on everything that we do wrong in its eyes. The ego serves a purpose, a purpose to protect us, to give us a space to go to when we do need to go into war and fight for ourselves, however just like the untamed hungry stray dog, it must be chained or kenneled and fed a strict diet. It must learn its place and the rules. No matter how much it barks, wines or growls, we cannot let it become our master, instead we must recognize it for what it is and make it our servant as it was originally designed. 

To protect.

 

The sad reality is that in today’s world we have lost the old teachings of this protector. 

We have cast aside the ideas and use its name light heartedly. 

We disregard its image in our daily life and we allow the illusion of what we have been taught to believe is us to stand firm without question. 

Giving our egos the keys to our kingdom. 

And making us servants.

 

Monica, like so many of us, found herself lost in the shadows of illusion cast by her ego. 

Believing that the pain that she felt was hers to bear without question. She freely shackled herself because she wanted to do what she perceived and was taught was right. She wanted to be a “good person.” 

 

Responsible. 

Caring. 

Compassionate.

Trustworthy.

Honest.

Giving. 

Kind.

 

She valued these things and she held herself accountable to them. 

The pressure this unrealistic perspective of perfection had put on Monica, however, was taking its toll and her body was screaming at her. 

 

The body is an amazing place. 

It speaks only truth to us and keeps records at a cellular level of all of our life. 

It calls out to us, if we will only listen, trying to guide us back home to our truth, our soul and heart and what is in alignment. It whispers and points us in the direction that we need to go, constantly alerting us to the times that we have allowed ourselves to fall into a slumber of ignorance and belief that the ego is us. 

 

The body keeps score. 

 

And Monica’s body had set up a whole boycott rally all for her well-being project that she was not even aware of. 

 

She just assumed that the migraines were caused from allergies, medicines, and lack of sleep. 

She thought that stress was the only contributing factor to her restless nights, her inability to sit still in her own mind. She believed that if she just worked a tad bit harder, did just a little bit more at work, in her marriage or made sure that her children were just a little more cared for that the stress would subside and with it the headaches. 

 

The left side of her body was falling apart, her joints were weakening, her limbs ached no matter the healthy foods she ate, the supplements she took, the yoga she did. Nothing seemed to help. The pain just worsened as the weeks went on. 

 

She found herself in pain during sex. Intercourse hurt from penetration forward and often even foreplay did not feel anything more than stinging. As much as she loved her husband and wanted to be with him, it was hurting her and the last thing she would ever admit to was just this. What sort of wife would she be to take this one pleasure away from him. 

 

Fearful of orgasming, as it had become a normal event that when she did allow herself this pleasure that her head would feel this exploding pressure and pain. She would find herself not wanting to move from the pain and could not open her eyes as the slightest light felt light a knife was being driven into her skull. 

 

Her blood pressure was high despite the fact that she was in good shape and health. 

She suffered from anxiety on a daily basis and her body ached like she imagined a ninety-year old’s must with bad arthritis. 

 

Her hormones were off and even though she was but thirty-seven, she wondered if she might be going through early menopause. 

 

All of this only supported Monica’s trials and fascination with death. 

As she shared more and more layers of her being with me, every now and then she would look up and smile, as to say…” Don’t worry about me, I will be okay. Believe me. See I am smiling.”

 

But that is not how these things go. 

The body will not let go with a simple fake smile of all that it is holding onto. 

Just like no matter how much we forgive and try and forget or move past, the memories of our past are an eternal trigger until we learn what we need from them and truly forgive ourselves for allowing the suffering in our lives. 

 

Monica was here on my couch this very day because she knew that she was at the end of her ability to move on without a supportive hand. Without the resources that could take what she had become so familiar with and make it unfamiliar. She was a highly intelligent woman, and she loved her family fully. Although she sat here contemplating death, I knew that the fact that she was vocalizing this to me was her reaching out and saying, “Show me there is hope.

“Tell me that I am worthy of love. Worthy to keep living, that I am not a burden.:

 

Granted no one can make us believe these things. 

These all come from deep inside our being. 

We have to hunt for these treasures, and we must face the valley of the shadow of evil. 

The valley of the ego. 

The very land that will tell us that there is no reason to continue, and we must laugh in its face and know that we are comforted if we lean heavy into our truth and call out the ego for what it is, a stray wild dog, hungry and thirsty, snapping our ankles because it has nothing else. 

But we can stand tall and drink the water of this life by just seeing our radiance. 

Seeing that our humanness is what makes us so special. 

So great. 

It is by giving ourselves grace and compassion that we let go of the shackles. 

It is by stepping in faith that God does not create unworthy things that we unlock our highest life potential. 

And by just surrendering to the possibility that what we have believed is our truth is actually a fable. Created by the greatest storyteller ever known. 

 

The ego. 

 

Here, here is where we get to witness ourselves. 

And we get to wash ourselves clean. 

 

So many people today are suffering, looking for just a string of hope. Fearful of tomorrow, caught in yesterday. Although we may not all put on makeup to cover these truths up, we still all somehow find a way to hide behind a mask, seen as a smile, seen as a resting b*tch face, seen as aloofness, or perhaps just humor. No matter the mask, you know who you are, and if you look within you may meet the wild dog that you believe is you, that you try and tame through constant feeding it your fears of tomorrow, but I tell you this my sweet friend, you will never overcome this monster until you are willing to see it for the entity that it is, and that it is not you. 

 

And when you choose to do just this…

 

It will not have power over you unless you allow for its lullabies to lure you once again into its fictional tale of your life. 

You have the power. 

You are the master. 

This is the truth. 

 

As Always. 

Stop Existing & Start Living

Kendal Rene’

The body does keep score. Science is constantly revealing the emotional-physical links to disease and other body ailments. We have been taught to ignore our bodies, to disregard these vital life-giving messages and just accept our physical pain and suffering as normal. However, this is not true. You can live a life of vitality, feel years younger and be able to process trauma, stress, anxiety and other conditions with ease and without having to replay the records that anchor in these disease-causing issues.  Explore my Canvas, Core, Integrate 10 Series NOW to experience a truly aligned you. Ready to conquer the next year with passion, stamina and joy.

 

Why Women Give Themselves Up In Relationship.

“ Why did you come home a different path than what you normally do?” Stew asked Rachel before she could even get her car door closed. 

 

“ You are over 15 minutes late and how many times have I told you that I don’t like that? Hmmm…You are so stupid. I can’t trust you with anything. I hope you had fun on your little adventure on the way home.”

 

Rachel could feel her heart racing. 

The tension in her chest, the nausea rising. 

Your stomach was upside down and in knots. 

She felt worthless, stupid, and as if she always messing everything up. 

It could have been a nice evening at home. 

They could have just enjoyed dinner, a glass of wine and chilled watching their favorite show, but no, she messed it up yet again. Stew always made her aware of her screw ups and how disappointed he was in her. He was good at making sure that she held the blame for the “bullsh*t” as he called it, and made sure that she was aware of how little trust he had in her and that she was nothing but a stupid child who needed constant reprimand. 

 

“F-ck You!” Robert yelled at Sally as he slammed the door shut. 

“You are my wife. You should not disrespect me like that.”

 

Sally breathed deeply, trying to keep her composure as she finished getting ready for bed. 

She knew that if she took too long that things would get worse for her. She also knew that if she raced out after him that he would only yell something else and potentially get physical. So she breathed, let a few tears fall, looked herself in the mirror and told herself, ‘Everything is going to be okay, we are going to make it through this.” Then walked calmly as she could with her knees trembling out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where Robert had planted himself on the far edge of the bed, eye’s closed and obviously disgusted and ready to attack. Sally sat down on the bed next to him and said, “Honey, let’s talk about this. I just wanted to know what you wanted with the video, it made me feel uncomfortable.” Robert sprung up off the bed in a rage, yelling…

 

“You are my f-cking wife, you don’t need to know what I want with anything. I can do whatever I want with pictures and videos of you.”

 

Sally sat still as can be, looking down at the bed. 

She knew that she could not say anything else. 

Or be accused of not loving him, not caring, disrespecting and so much more. 

 

Tyson leaned in grabbed Steph’s long hair and pulled her back so that he could whisper in her ear. They were in the thrawls of sex and it was getting really heated. He pulled her head back, wrapped his hand around her hips and said, “You are so f-cking hot. You are so wet. I want to see another woman going down on you. I want to see her enjoying you.” Steph felt a moment of panic in her body, tightness crossed over her breasts. Her heart began to ach. She did not want to wreck his fantasy but she was the furthest thing from aroused at this idea. Tyson loved to “talk dirty” and he loved to paint images of wild and risky events in her ears during sex. Steph hated it all. She just wanted to be with him. Every time Tyson spoke of other men, women, threesomes and moresomes, gang bangs, and risky locations she found herself in a state of fear. She could no longer feel pleasure or be present there in the moment with him. And she did not want to burden her husband with her silliness as he called it when she tried to share that she was not into these things. He always would  paint the tale and then tell her that he could tell how turned on she was from it, that she wanted it. If she said anything different then he would get angry, stonewall her for days and only tell her that she was so closed down and disconnected from herself that she could not even tell when she was aroused. But he knew. 

 

These are all true stories!

These are my clients of the past. ( names changed to keep privacy)

Women who shared with me the deep pain that they went through consistently in their relationships. The stress that these things put them under and now here they sat before me wanting to unravel the mess that had been taught to them, that they had somehow started to believe was true. 

 

Now one might wonder how can anyone believe something of any of these natures if it just is not so. It is obvious to the outside reader of these tales that these are women who are being abused emotionally, physically and mentally. You might say they should just wake up and get a divorce, save themselves. Not always that easy and everyone has their own reasons as to why that is not always on the table. Most of the time the woman in this instance believes that she is responsible for how her partner is treating her and that she even has it coming. 

 

Ingrained in her psyche from the earliest of years, the majority of women are taught to look pretty, be kind, always put others first, keep the peace and do what is needed or expected of them. 

 

These teachings support the nature of the feminine fully to be peace keepers and nurturers. However they do not support a healthy relationship container, nor a healthy individual. 

 

Women suffer from depression, anxiety and other stress related disorders more than men do across the board. 

 

Upto five times more women suffer from such ailments as TMJ, hormone dysfunctions, migraine and an array of autoimmune disorders than men. Over fifty percent of women surveyed in multiple studies said that they suffered from “high stress levels” and that their stress has increased immensely over the last few years where only one in four men said the same. 

 

70% of women claim they don’t orgasm during sex. 

A striking 60% plus claim that their male partner has forced sex on them even after they said that they did not want it. 

It is an understatement to say that that only 60% of women have been sexually violated at some point in their lives, and almost that many have also experienced physical and/or emotional and mental abuse as well from a male close to them. 

 

These acceptances in relationship start in a woman’s youth. 

The expectations that she is taught from age three forward. 

Her relationship with her father, brothers, uncles and other men. 

How she is looked upon, the remarks made, and then the constant awareness that she is responsible for the actions, words and even thoughts of the men that come into her life. 

 

She is trained to care at all cost for the man in her life. 

To sacrifice her own needs and boundaries even. to make sure that he is happy and satisfied and she is taught that if she does not do this that it is to be expected to be “punished.”

 

In today’s world of feminist rights and movements, you would think that these ideas would have been put to rest a decade or so ago at very least, and they are starting to loosen around the feminine but now are turning toward the masculine where we women are attempting to make right the wrongs by inflicting our pain and revenge on men. However, all we are truly doing is creating more pain for both sexes. We are traumatizing all sides and we are putting all the more stress and anxiety on we women as we believe strong heartedly that all men are toxic. We now undervalue the beauty and strength of the masculine leadership, logical minds, ability to nurture in their own way and stand true at their core. These characteristics however are only instilled in the masculine if they are raised to believe in themselves and to value and trust the feminine. Our men of today and of the last few decades have been raised by a scorned feminine. They have witnessed the pain of both sexes and they do not know where they stand or what it means to be a man in our world. 

 

There is truly no safe haven for man or woman in todays world. 

And we have all been raised by victims. 

 

So where does this musing of today take us?

What is the take away that I want for you to gain from this message here?

 

First, I want to share that my above client stories all came to me because the men wanted change for their relationship and woman. Although, none understood what they were truly asking nor what they would get, they were the leaders of the change. They were the ones who said, “Something has to happen here. She needs to find her power, her self-love and worth.”

The women, most of them would have chosen to remain in the same shoes, to not cause a stir in their relationship. They would have sacrificed the rest of their years on this planet not initiating, not speaking their truth, staying the peacekeepers that they were and having limited confrontation. Because that is how a woman thinks and believes. 

She does not want to fight. 

She wants everyone to just get along. 

 

And she will deal with herself, 

Her emotions and fears, 

Her negative thoughts and her broken heart most likely in the parking lot of the grocery store. Alone. Parked and crying until she feels spent and able to move again. 

 

Next, relationship…. All relationship is about power. 

There is delicate harmony to the dance of power, and intimate relationship all the more delicate because it deals with the heart. It deals with our hopes and dreams. It is the one space that many will do what they would never do anywhere else. They will speak the cruelest of words to one they hold so dear because they know that they can get away with it. They will say yes when they are hard no because they do not want to be a disappointment or let the other down. They will accept so much less from their partner and take more on for themselves. And they will do all of this good and bad alike because of their positioning in the relationship and how they have been taught. You see, its all a cookie cutter thought process. Its about what we will accept for ourselves, how we value ourselves and what we have been taught to believe and look for in the opposite sex. 

 

Unfortunately, none of this is healthy. 

None of this has anything to do with love of our mate. 

It only reveals how we view ourselves and what we will accept. 

It shows our scars. 

It shows how easily we will give ourselves away in a multitude of ways and even let our health be destroys all for the attention and approval if only for one second in time from another. 

 

These men, who brought their wives in to “get fixed” all said the same thing in their consult. 

“ I love her. I want her to see how powerful beautiful and radiant she is. I want her to speak her truth even if it hurts. I want her to know that I support her.”

 

However, as the women learned to speak their truth which is where they found their power and self-love and worth, the men found themselves being told the truth more and this caused more pain, more confrontation, fights, anger, rage and sometimes trauma. Some of these couples are no longer together. The men discovered that as amazing and hot as it sounds to be with an empowered woman who will tell you the truth that they could not bare to be with her any longer, they wanted something less testing in their relationship. They did not want to hear her pain, her disagreement, her thoughts. And the women discovered that they needed a man that was willing to truly listen to her as well as himself. They discovered that they required and deserved a man who was willing to work on himself as well and valued her for all her feminine tendencies instead of looking at these natural characteristics as betrayals or disrespect. 

 

And the couple who made it through this edgy space of healing?

Well they discovered who each of them were. 

They learned how to communicate without violence. 

They learned how to stop blaming and jumping to conclusions. 

They learned how to remain present in the issue and moment with each other. 

And above all else, they learned to let go of the need to be right. 

To be seen or understood, even by their partner. 

And that they were never going to fully heal their wounds of the past or overcome the triggers associated with them, but that they could inquire into the self as, “how does this support our relationship right now and what can I do to better hear my partner?”

 

If you take nothing but this last line away with you today, then that my dear reader is enough. 

 

Know that you are worthy. 

You are whole and enough.

And it is always okay to make mistakes, 

You will not get it right all the time. You will not always stand strong in your word even. 

Some days you will fall great distances. 

Because you are human. 

And so is your partner. 

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

 

  • Kendal Rene’

 

THE SEXIEST STATE OF A WOMAN. (OR MAN)

💃💃WE WOMEN ARE AT OUR SEXIEST WHEN WE ARE VULNERABLE.💃
Vulnerability is potentially one of scariest words that we humans have ever come up with.
We often view vulnerability as weakness.
Because when we allow for ourselves to be vulnerable we also run the risk of opening ourselves up to all sorts of pain.
👉Especially when we discuss intimate relationship. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨
Yet, intimate relationship is THE RELATIONSHIP that we hold expectation around that it is our safe haven. This other human being loves us, cares about us and wants to have our backs.
They desire to see all aspects of us.
And that means that we have to surrender to vulnerability.
With that in mind, it’s a damn difficult thing to drop our guards, step away from all the drama and trauma that we have been through and to have faith that we can lean into this other soul and trust what they are saying.
I mean we have heard it all before, right?
And we have believed it only to get hurt.
Badly, hurt.
However, without vulnerability there is no intimacy.
Let’s define vulnerability:
A state of being exposed physically or emotionally.
It means that we are willing to stand before our partner naked in every way.
Revealing in trust our fears, worries, concerns and that we are triggered and sometimes unable to move.
Vulnerability is about letting another see your whole heart, soul and demons.
Yes, those shadow aspects of yourself that even you run from and try to ignore.
For us women, that means the crazy girl stuff.
It means our seemingly irrational emotions.
Our fear of abandonment as well as our anxiety that comes up because of it.
Our disgust around our worth, ability to be enough and if we are pretty and attractive or not.
It pulls up our fears around our sexuality and desires.
Our ability to be comfortable with communicating our needs and desires,
As well stating a clear no with confidence and no guilt.
It means getting real with our natural need and desire to be loved, cared for, protected and provided for in different ways.
We women of today are caught in a chaotic state of fear and a feeling of not being enough.
We reside in this land where our nature is to want support, but we are consistently told that it is weak and demeaning to want for this.
Never in all our history have we been in a relationship quandary like we are today, ‘where everyone is fighting for their rights, their space and sovereignty while disregarding our internal relationship design. The masculine energy that focuses on driving forward, taking action, proving self, not needing and being the protector-provider, leader in all is what both sexes focus on. Devaluing the feminine nature. The emotional balance required to make relationships, family and life successful in all areas.
We are a world focused on success as it speaks to the material state of things.
For men, this vulnerability equates to:
Your desire to walk away from her emotional presentations.
To armor your hearts when you get scared of the storms that your woman shows you.
It is leaning in and sharing that you do have emotions. You do ponder the deeper things and care about intimacy not just sex.
It is getting real with your rage, with your frustration and distrust in how the feminine seems to always abandon your heart.
Allowing your wounded masculine to speak its words of concern about being manipulated or controlled.
It is recognition of your fear of aging, of not being strong enough to protect.
It is acceptance in your concern that you wake each day worried that you won’t succeed.
That you do not know the direction.
It is allowing yourself to be witnessed as a human, a man without all the answers.
And men of today struggle in this world that is upside down, where they question and feel like they are stepping on eggshells, fearful of the reality that they are a man and not knowing what is safe in that or not.
These are all real vulnerabilities.
They are expressed and experienced by the vast majority of people.
Both sexes should respect them.
As all humans should.
No matter our sex, race, religion, financial stature, education, or other….
THESE VULNERABILITIES are what we find on our table.
And they are what makes us beautiful.
I’ll tell you this…
With over 20,000+ coaching hours under my belt,
Vulnerability is the epicenter of an authentic relationship.
It is what connects us.
In tantra we are taught that everything is woven together like a delicate web where if there is any focus to one connective piece it sends vibrations, energies ( thought & feeling) to another. There is no truer space than when we stand naked before our soulmate.
Trusting in them.
Letting ourselves be revealed.
And feeling everything that occurs with the seconds flash of our personal reveal.
How sexy it is to see someone, naked in all ways.
Revealing their soul, heart and demons.
Their transparency and fear.
The hope that you can witness in the teared up eyes.
The depth that draws you in and makes you realize that they are still a mystery to you.
This soul that has entrusted YOU with every morsel of who they are,
Asking for you to slow yourself,
To see them.
To feel them.
To honor their pain and dreams.
This is vulnerability.
And we can only have it when we are willing to care.
Willing to empathize with what is revealed to us instead of judging.
In our capacity to care about our partners feelings as well as our own and to hold space for both.
Here we capture the essence of unconditional love and acceptance.
The things we all desire for,
Hunt for, are willing to change for.
Here we discover a deeper version of ourselves.
And are asked to step up and lean in.
To find the courage to claim this person right where they are.
Naked before us in all their beauty.
Here is where joy resides.
It’s in the receiving of your love.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Want to know more on how to step forward in faith?
How to be aligned to your soul and stand naked before your partner and have clarity and confidence that you will be received fully? This is the soulmate relationship.
 
Message me to discuss the steps needed to get aligned to have that relationship, be vulnerable, certain and more.
 
Inquire about my FREE Clarity Calls Today.

WHY LIE ABOUT LITTLE THINGS IN RELATIONSHIP?

WHY LIE ABOUT LITTLE THINGS?🤔

 

I will never understand this.

We all have told lies.

We all withhold truth sometimes.

Or share something with an exaggeration,

in the perception that we feel it instead of the way that it actually occurred.

 

👉I get it.

👉I am guilty.

 

But to lie about little things.

Especially things that do not matter.

And to do it right to someone’s face,

or even go out of the way to tell a lie?

 

Don’t you get that when you choose to lie about these sorts of things…

 

That when you get up in someone’s face to tell your lies about these meaningless things…

 

👉👉👉That NOW THEY MEAN EVERYTHING.😬🤣🧐🤨

 

And the fact that you had to “fib” about it.

The fact that you are working so hard to step out of alignment and try and get another to believe you,

that you are even going above and beyond to make it known that:

 

🤣 I AM NOT DOING THIS….( fill in the blank)

😂 I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THAT…

🤣 I AM ONLY DOING WHAT YOU ASKED….

😂 I WOULD NEVER…

 

😬 It wasn’t me! ( As Shaggy Would sing. 🎤🎼)

 

So silly we are when we are trying to cover up our little lies.

So funny it is to just sit back and watch the show that is put together just for us when our friends, family, lovers and others choose to dance around in this land of falsities.

 

I know when I am not in alignment with myself.

When I am grasping at straws because I feel like I am not good enough, or cannot get it right.

When I am wanting for something/someone so badly and not getting my way, that I have been known to  do the above.

 

To step fully out of alignment with my SOUL.

And to try and concoct something.

To create more drama.

To wrap myself up tightly into my own fears.

And cut myself off from reality.

 

You see THIS is exactly what we do when we choose to tell little lies.

When we choose to step away from the truth,

away from what feels right and good at our soul’s core.

 

When we are so far out of alignment,

and our lives seem to be crashing down around us,

no matter how much physical work we are putting in,

and we think…

 

🤔 If Only…

 

*That person was still in my life.

*they had done what I wanted.

*they had cared more.

*they saw everything that I sacrificed for them.

*how much I love them.

 

And so many more things.

 

Yes, we sit in our human dramatization in our own world,

in our head and we plot and scheme what “should” be or have happened.

And we sulk in our victimhood.

 

Our world continues to spin and crash.

And we step further and further away from our SOUL.

 

We choose.

We choose to say no to the truth.

No to alignment.

 

And the little lies start to pile up as we try and scrape together anything we can to get the attention that we desire.

To have a second of feeling like we matter.

 

Unfortunately,

The reality is that when we choose to carry the burden of all these little lies and to work so hard at making sure that they are not noticed, not paid attention, that we set the stage for our own demise.

 

🧐🤔HOW CAN YOU EVER TRUST SOMEONE WHO CHOOSES TO LIE ABOUT MEANINGLESS SH*T❓❓❓

 

If someone lies about this sorta stuff…

well the big ticket stuff certainly cannot be trusted.

 

On top of that…

If you have done this or experienced this with a friend, family or lover, then you may find yourself also  questioning EVERYTHING else that they ever did or said.

 

Am I right?😏

 

I am.

You know I am.

Try as much as we do to repair relationships.

To rebuild trust.

To act out of love and compassion.

To make excuses for people.

 

Because we are good people ourselves.

Because we do believe that this person is a good person.

 

The reality is…

 

YOU LIE ABOUT SMALL MEANINGLESS SH*T – YOU LOSE TRUST IN ALL AREAS AND POTENTIALLY FOREVER.  🤥🤥🤥

 

So here is my coachy advice to you.

 

STOP THAT SH*T NOW!

Own up to your drama creation.

Work on getting into alignment with your soul.

Let go of your need for approval.

 

And accept yourself.

 

Now go.

Do as you will.

But realize that more than likely if you are one who has been working hard at those little lies…🤏

You feel like you really need to keep them going.

That you have your reasons.

 

Most likely…

YOU ARE ALREADY BUSTED. 👈

 

Whoever you are lying too, is just popping popcorn and enjoying your show.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Alignment is EVERYTHING luv.

Is life seeming to be more difficult than you think it should be?

Are you working your a*ss off and not feeling like you are getting anywhere.

 

Well, the issue is that you can work 24/7 in the physical world and if you are out of alignment with your soul, then you will only see a third of the results that you should if that.

 

Love, money, health, your whole life situation.

Success in it, which in my book means you feeling happy and fulfilled depends on alignment.

 

Reach out to me today to learn about:

Canvas, Core, Integrate – Alignment of body and energy for maximum spiritual and emotional healing + blended intuitive coaching.

*This is a structural bodywork series with blended coaching.

FREE Discovery Call at your request.

WHAT A WOMAN’S INTUITION IS REALLY ALL ABOUT!

 

💃💃A WOMAN’S SURRENDER TO HER SOUL IS HER POWER💃💃

 

“Your intuition is your biggest gift. You have to know this as a woman.”

 

I wrote this to a VIP client of mine earlier today.

Hearing her words to me as she births herself into a phase of her beautiful existence reminds me of all the mini deaths of myself that I have been through and how my fear rises up.

How my little girl wants to cling to everything that she believes to be safe and she holds dear.

I hear in my head the wild woman screaming mad that she has to alter who she is again, feeling as though these changes that life is requesting are actually demands and insults against who I have worked so hard at becoming.

My inner voice, as I like to believe it to be, rants and spouts out how I am not good enough, how I am exhausted and how no one cares.

The inner terror of transformation with the calm face that we women put on for our world, our family, our men.

 

We  so often stay quiet.

We hide from our pain and fear.

We pride ourselves in our resilience.

We know that we are strong.

But in order to remain this way and to hold it all together,

We also know that we must armour our hearts.

Hide our wounds.

Keep dormant our truth and desires.

This world has never supported who we are.

 

This world that is run by mind and logic.

It condemns intuition, heart and emotion.

 

And it leaves both women and men alike,

empty in its wake.

 

And so I wrote to my beautiful female client:

 

“I cannot say this loud enough or repeat it enough. We women do not understand how powerful of a source our intuition is and the reality is that the our ego and the ego of the world around us has trained us to to have more faith in fear and doubt, to try to over think and rationalize everything and in turn this causes us to step away from our core and get out of alignment with what our next best step of action is.

 

Your sharing of the witnessing of how your lover is experiencing so much and your wonder around how you can still remain so open and yet armoured up is eye opening. It shows your desire and therefore that all you crave is on the brink of happening for you, but what do  you have to do to achieve it?

 

This is where you are getting hung up. You are thinking too much and thus not surrendering.

 

Your desire to have your little girl cared for and guided is your divine feminine nature that understands that it is too fluid and needs a protector.

Leadership.

You are coming into a space of your life as a woman now where you are learning how to be your perfect balance of masculine and feminine.

Leader and creator.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing or wanting guidance, a hand, support, etc. we all need this in life and we need it to be successful. As you learn how to hold the container that you are building for yourself. 

 

You will need multiple guideposts on the journey. From these sources you will learn what feels right and good and what is not in alignment.

 

As for the prompts: They are designed to make you pause and sit with the discomfort of your soul, the monkey brain screaming at you that you need to answer and to get it “right” to know. The voices that are coming through the strongest as you ponder a prompt are your ego. Your soul will be calm and hard to hear. But asking these prompts of yourself and then choosing to listen to the clammer of the ego and to wait for the soul’s answer to slowly rise up will bring you so many blessings.

 

You will tap back into you, your heart and learn how to hear your intuition again, thus surrender as well. “💞

 

The surrender of a woman to her intuition.

To her heart.

Her core.

 

We so often do not honor this power.

I am blessed to have a partner in my life that values my intuition and is a constant in my day and life reminding me of my power. He will say,

“No, we listen to your intuition.”

 

And everytime he encourages and supports my listening,

He is being the guidepost that I need.

He is honoring my divine nature as a woman and having emotions.

When he takes my hand, looks me in the eyes and says,

“Listen to what you feel.”

 

I feel the universe,

I feel God move through this man and say,

 

“Babe, I got you. I got your back.”

 

But sometimes, we don’t have a physical person to be our guidepost.

 

I have been here too.

It is scary.

It is frightening.

All we have then is ourselves,

and we have done such a good job in recent years of past to  prove how we can not trust who we are.

Our thoughts.

Our feelings.

 

I tell you that it is not true however.

You were not listening to  how you feel or what your intuition was saying, you were listening to the clammer and getting lost in the chaos.

 

Lost  in your own human drama.

Believing that it was you.

Your emotions.

 

The one thing that all my mini deaths and rebirths have taught me,

is that anything that is based in fear and anxiety is not of soul.

Is not of God.

And should not be acted upon.

These are opportunities to learn to pause and sit with the murmuring of discomfort.

 

For when the soul of God speaks,

when you hear your truth,

your divine inner being.

It will be faint at first.

It will ask for you to settle into self,

to listen with intent and to be patient.

It will draw you in and demand your presence.

Soul will never demand in a loud voice to act or listen.

Soul will only offer an opportunity.

An idea.

A good feeling.

 

And it will keep offering.

Always.

Your free will decides if you take it or ignore it.

 

A woman is a fluid beautiful creature.

A powerful source of love.

She knows what her next best step is when she feels what is right and good.

 

Listen, beautiful woman.

Listen not to anything but that space of peace within.

 

Here you will surrender.

Here you will discover.

Here you will have everything that your heart desires and your soul knows is already yours.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

💃💞🔥👉Tap into your truth beautiful.

You can claim the life, love and money that you have always wanted for by just practicing who you already are.

 

Reach out to me to  discover your power of intuition.

November special – FREE Clarity Call to break down what’s holding you back, what your next action steps are and keys to saying F-ck Yes! to Your Intuition NOW!

 

ODE TO THE MAN MY SOUL MARRIED A MILLIENIA AGO.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨🥂💞ODE TO THE MAN MY SOUL MARRIED A MILLENIA AGO💞🥂👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨
👉I have heard many a time that you should not need someone to complete you.
👉I have heard that you need to love yourself fully in order to call in your soulmate.
👉I have heard that you cannot want to be with someone so badly that it hurts.
The feeling of addiction in love.
And I have always bought into these concepts.
I have believed that we must be fully who we are before we can say YES with our heart and soul to another.
And yet here I stand before you telling something different…
Today, I enter the next 365 day cycle with the man that I call home.
I see not only how deeply he completes me, but that he does this through restoring my soul union with his own.
He creates space for me to challenge myself to see clearer who I am.
In his gaze of watching me, I feel his loving support and admiration.
Each time that he holds my hand, that he grabs my pinky with his, I hear his soul say, “And we are one my love- I got you.”
As I view the last cycle around the sun with him,
I find myself in awe and appreciation for every flicker of life shared over the calendar.
The majority of my appreciation comes from his consistency and fierce focus of dedication to making us better as a team.
Never waning away from his core guidance and always assuring me that he trusts mine. Reminding me to listen to myself.
💞To my heart.
💃To my soul.
And to step from there.
👉👉👉IT IS SAID THAT YOU CANNOT LOVE ANOTHER UNTIL YOU LOVE YOURSELF….
Over the course of my time on this planet I have come to differ with this concept. Learning that relationship, especially intimate partnership, is what defines who we are and heals us from our inner struggles of doubt, fear and lack of worthiness to self-love.
It is only in these close bonded relationships that we are requested to move deeper into who we are and to give grace to who we have been.
When someone holds us in the eye of appreciation and love,
When we are supported in compassion and desire for all that we can be, and our wounds are not blocking the vision of what the other see’s in us, we find ourselves mirrored back through their loving gaze.
👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨And we come home.
This very feeling of home is what makes a soulmate bond so addictive.
It is much like soaking in the morning rays of sun as they beam through the blinds of your bedroom window. As you awaken, there is the soft luxurious comfort of down pillows, the most comfortable bedding supporting your body and as you hear the birds chirping, you stretch and awaken to this brilliant new day. Not wanting to leave this time and space for it is so comfortable, so needed. You want to just absorb it and never let this blissful, peaceful moment in your day escape. You want to live here.
You are safe.
You are supported.
You feel good into the deepest marrow of your bones.
And love resides right here.
This is home.
This is coming home to your soulmate.
This is addictive in nature and makes us want to never experience another breath without it in it.
And that my dear is exactly what a bond of a thousand years plus feels like.
As we dance around the sun another year,
My commitment ever grows to this man.
My surrender to reveal my truest heart births at deeper levels each day.
And as I catch his gaze upon me,
reminding me as to just how beautiful, powerful and worthy I am,
I step into a greater love for him,
and thus a greater love of me.
You see, a soulmate love is not for the weak of spirit nor heart or mind. It is beyond challenging, and you find yourself facing your scariest of demons, cleaning out closets of old traumas and wounds, programmed ideas that you have purchased for your own beliefs and now in the arms of your soulmate you are requested to walk away from everything that is not you.
To put down the armour that holds you back from your power.
To surrender to your glory, through the grace of this love.
You will be required to work more on yourself then you have ever had to work before.
The excavation of your truth,
of your soul is a tedious and scary journey.
As you discover the treasures that make you who you are,
and you look up into the eye’s of your soulmate,
your heart will rejoice in celebration that they stood there,
as your rock, your center, the words of guidance and you my sweet will find your soul saying YES…
Yes, my soul married you a millenia ago,
and my body, mind and heart marry you today.
Here on the altar of our love.
Of our deliverance to self.
I surrender.
We unite.
💞Let no breath happen without you by my side.💞
I write this ode to the soulmate,
I share this musing from my restored heart.
And I pull forth these words from a thousand years ago,
In hopes that you find something here my love.
It is my wish for you,
That over this next dance around the sun,
That you let go of all that is not you.
That you come into defining yourself through the greatest of loves.
And that you see it’s challenge as a restoration of your truth.
For that is exactly what it is.
And you are worthy of this.
As we all are.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
🔥💞👉Want more guidance on calling in a restorative love so that you can thrive in love, life, abundance that is great and worthy of you? Reach out to me today for a FREE Clarity Call.
It is time to say YES!🔥
👉F-ck Yes! To YOU. 👈

WHY WOMEN APPEAR WISHY-WASHY, TOO FLUID AND PASSIVE.

😅🤣🤨AND HE ASKED…ARE YOU UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING? —MY RESPONSE, “ALWAYS.” 👊🤣🤨

 

Perhaps one of the most honest answers a woman has ever given  a man and that’s what we are talking about today…women’s honesty or lack thereof and how it relates to sexual fulfillment.

 

Alright men, today I am going to be your “wing chick…”

And let you in on the female brain and emotions a tad.

You might want to sit down and pour yourself a drink because you will most likely find yourself scratching your head in bewilderment by the time you get done reading this.

 

I just want to start out by saying that the majority of the time we women don’t fully understand why we are feeling or thinking the way that we are feeling or thinking.

 

So guys, don’t think that you will ever understand the feminine.

Cuz’ you won’t.

 

But you can try and gain some insight to what you may perceive as wishy-washy, as too fluid, or passive even. 👈

 

🌹First, realize that what attracts you to your woman is her feminine flow. The fact that she is different from you.

 

🌹You love her smile and laugh. She won’t be smiling and laughing very much if she turns toward her masculine energy and gets up in her head. Over thinking and analyzing, problem solving and leading do not make a woman warm, sexy, or vibrant. They dim her light and laughter. This does not mean that she should not or cannot be a great problem solver or leader, it just means that if she takes up residence there for very long she will lose the luster and find herself turned off to life in general.

 

🌹You adore those moments in bed with her where she surrenders fully to you, where she is the seductress of your dreams and you feel like a king. This sort of surrender is only authentically achieved if she can feel herself fully. If she is having to explain what she is feeling or needing, or feels like she needs to perform for you then she will not embody herself and instead just be “putting on a show.” Which I am guessing you may enjoy but once realized that it is just that, a show, you may not want it. You want the real deal, right? This requires that she be aroused long before the penetration ever happens.

 

👉Foreplay for the next round starts 5 minutes before the current sexual event ends. 🤯

 

What does that mean you may ask?

It means that it should never end.

It means that if you want your woman to be raring to go whenever you are ready, that you gotta realize that men and women DO NOT operate the same sexually. 👈🤨💥

 

What type of an orgasm a woman has, has a lot to do with how long she will be aroused, feeling sexual and be open to more sex and intimacy.

 

The issue is that the majority of women fib to their guys about the sex and the orgasm.

 

That’s right men, more than likely she has been lying to you.🤯

 

I know, it’s not what any guy wants to hear…

and that’s why women don’t tell you the truth.

They feel they are being kind to you by not saying, yeah I did not have an orgasm. Or “you did not even help me to get ready for sex.”

 

Women have a tough time asking for what they need.

They may say, ” I want to have sex.”

But when it comes down to actually asking for what they need, thats a different tale all together and that is because they themselves have no idea what they need most of the time because they are so disconnected from their sex, their hearts and their bodies in general.

 

Women and men alike think that a woman’s best orgasm comes from the clitorus. Or a whole bunch of thrusting hard and fast.

But this is just f-cking.

It’s empty.

And it does not fulfill her or you.

It may get you off, and it might get her a quick release too,

but it is not going to fulfill her or make her feel connected to you.

 

👉In order for her to surrender and have a deep orgasm, she needs to feel you. 👈

 

And it’s more than your manhood I am speaking of here. 😳

 

She needs your heart. <3

 

She needs you to lead her with your confidence,

your passion and desire.

She needs you to kiss her, to touch her.

 

For two decades I have been telling men that if they could just see a woman’s body as one big sexual organ and make love to the entirety of her that they would get so much further with turning their woman on.

 

👉Men back away from kissing.

👉Men love a woman’s body but do not sensually touch it.

👉Men love a womans breasts and hips but forget about them during foreplay and sex.

👉Men are fascinated with female orgasm and pleasure but don’t want to playfully explore to make it happen. EVERY TIME!

👉Men feel threatened by toys and requests.

👉Men don’t put enough emphasis on playing, laughing, courting, snuggling of which all lead her into feeling you more and surrendering to you deeper, as well as being able to tune into her own body more.

 

Foreplay is not just about sexy, sensual touching BTW.

Foreplay is about caring and courting.

Foreplay is about talking and listening.

Foreplay is about letting her feel your emotions.

Foreplay is about adventure and always realizing that no matter how long you have been together, there is a new person before you each day that you need to discover.

 

Now maybe all of this is not news to you.

And that is great if that is the case.

 

👉But how does it relate to a woman being wishy-washy, too fluid or passive even?

 

No matter if your woman is deep in her feminine or locked up in her masculine, she is still a woman. And she has been programmed since birth as well as bears with her generational traumas and mindsets that tell her that she needs to take care of you.

 

That your ideas, needs, etc are priority.

She may internally feel different and say, “No damn it, I matter too.” But 98% of the time she will end up weighing out what she thinks you want vs how she feels or what she wants/needs and she will the majority of the time come back in your favor.

 

This will show up from the quantity and type of sex you are having to what is for dinner and how she sets up the home.

 

If you are among the many men out there who tire at asking your woman what she wants or needs only to get a deer in the headlight look back from her, realize that she is processing in that moment what she believes is the “right” answer to give to have the maximum amount of peace, connection and happiness over all.

 

👉These are the key things women want for.

Peace, Connection and Happiness. 👈

 

They translate down to security in all areas.

Women in general avoid confrontation and anything that we feel may cause it.

 

We are not warriors unless we need to be.

Women are nurturers by nature.

We are caregivers.

Peacekeepers.

Soothers.

 

So when you ask us our opinion about something…

We instantly go into, what’s the best answer for peace, connection and happiness? For my security in life and relationship?

 

You get the deer in the headlight look and we say whatever we feel is right. However, this answer may be completely opposite from what we actually need or desire. Thus, causing us to appear wishy-washy, too emotional, passive, etc.

 

A woman does not change her mind nearly as much as it is perceived that we do. 🤯

 

We just speak what we feel is right and then speak our truth sometime down the road.

 

Now here is how orgasm, foreplay and male connection plays a role in her truth telling or trying to get the right answer that is ingrained in us women to give.

 

The sex and orgasm that comes from the quick fix, the f-cking without heart and soul or connection, all of that just keeps her in a state of “performing” or of giving you the answer that she believes you need and want. It does not fulfill her, heal her, align her in any fashion. It’s fast food sexing and it keeps her operating from a place of emptiness and fear.

 

It pulls her deeper into a space of needing to make the “right” answers to keep peace, connection and happiness instead of opening up and surrendering to you and her.

AUTHENTICALLY.

 

You want your woman’s truth on all subject matters…

(most likely not going to happen…lol)

But you want to know that she can and will tell you her needs, desires and even initiate because she wants to initiate…

Or she will share what she wants to watch or eat?

Or where she would like to visit for vacation?

Or the fact that she is unhappy about something?

 

👉You want her to feel safe and secure with you?👈

 

Which equates to healing her trust issues that she has accumulated over her lifetime and learned from what society and history teaches?

 

Well, then SLOW THE F-CK DOWN with her. 😳🤯🤨

 

👊Stop f-cking her. 👊

 

🤯Stop distancing yourself from your own heart and body to prevent yourself from not having the stamina you feel is required to get her there and instead, make love to her every moment you are with her and even when you are not.

 

😘Try talking with her.

Asking her how her day was when you come together.

 

😘Kiss her in the morning as though you want to eat her up and kiss her in the evening with reverence.

 

👉Hold her close.

👉Look into her eyes.

👉Make her laugh.

👉Set aside time daily to just be with her.

 

👊👊👊And when you are wanting a little nookie, don’t expect that she can go from zero to 120 in the time frame that you can.

BECAUSE SHE CAN’T!!!!😳

 

You are damaging her body when you expect this.

You are shutting down her heart when you expect that.

You are disconnecting her from you and herself when you expect that.

 

She needs physical foreplay for her body to ignite.

To feel and get aroused.

For her to get  out of her head and into her sex.

And IF you can accomplish all of this (I know just a small tab to complete, but I have faith in you sir…) THEN….

She will provide you both with a most beautiful performance.

It will be authentic, deep, loving, sensual, passionate and fully surrendered to your intimacy and connection.

 

She will carry you to the thresholds of heaven.

She will have you basking in the joy and expansiveness of your unity and sex.

 

From this space of rapture and fulfillment she will speak with more confidence and trust in you and herself.

Your radiant authentic soul will dance with you.

 

Until you forget all that was learned and shared here and take it for granted to wonder once again, why is she so wishy-washy, so emotional and lost, so passive….why?

 

And you will learn one day that feminine needs you to penetrate her fully, heart, body and soul for her to be centered.

 

And to have faith that her words, her needs and desires can be heard without fear.

 

She needs you.

She needs your leadership and strength.

Your guidance and passion.

Your love and presence.

 

Without it she is lost.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

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This is an 8 week couples coaching series, private coaching with myself for the couple where we will cover commitment, trust, desire, communication, money and sex, values and goals, the entity of “us” and more. Available globally. Private – discounted for a limited time only. Message me for deet’s about this series NOW! Don’t wait. Restore your love and sex in 2021.🥰🥰🥰

MUST DO’S FOR SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP: ROUTINE, RITUAL & NON-NEGOTIABLE BOUNDARIES

🤣🤣😂I LOVE YOUR PUD IN MY PUTSCH! AND I LOVE WEDNESDAYS…🤨😂😅

 

Wednesdays are sacred for my man and I.

It’s the day that we both have committed to work from home.

We eat breakfast together, lunch and dinner.

We work from the same room.

We work in silence.

We do our meetings.

We look upon each other in appreciation.

We make love.

We f-ck!

We take walks.

We snuggle.

We laugh, we debate, we get real and vulnerable.

And above all else we CONNECT.

 

👊It’s our ROUTINE.

👊It’s our RITUAL.

👊It’s what we have set a non-negotiable BOUNDARY around.

 

🤯And it’s freaking critical to the success, happiness, intimacy, and connection of our relationship.

 

Maybe we should start calling them sexy Wedsnesdays, because we take hump day serious…lol

 

But not always.

Some Wednesdays we are so disconnected from the stresses of life, we look at each other as though we are on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon. But we still remain together, holding that space, providing an opportunity for our energies to reconnect.

 

Some Wednesdays, we are on sour terms between us.

Days of disconnect, disharmony in what we were wanting the other to know, understand, get about us.

Our requests have been formulated as criticism and fears, and we find ourselves on these Wednesdays going deeper into our wounds.

 

However, most Wednesdays are yummy.

🔥Juicy and hot.

🔥Tantalizing and fulfilling beyond measure.

🔥Our sex is reunited and fed to exhaustion.

🔥Our hearts are swelling in a sea of love, appreciation and acceptance.

🔥Our minds are united, we are aligned.

 

And it feels F-CKING AMAZING AND PERFECT!

 

You see the reality is and as I share with so many couples on the matter of relationship success, happiness and connection that routine, ritual and boundaries are mandatory.

 

Often we believe that a relationship should just happen, it should always be easy and effortless.

 

But a relationship like anything worthwhile in life requires our focus, attention and effort.

 

In order to have success (which does not mean longevity but satisfaction and happiness, which in turn will create longevity) you must be willing to develop sacred space.

 

You must make commitment, non-negotiable.

And our commitment to our partner must be a priority.

 

The issue is that more often than not in today’s relationships, we give our best to our work, our hobbies, our passions, our children.

And we bring our partner what’s leftover.

 

We say the cruelest of things to the one we love the most.

We blame, we finger point, we give our worst to our partner.

And we do this because we can get away with it.

No where else would it be accepted or allowed.

But this creates bitterness.

It feeds fear.

In a relationship, we end up criticizing our mates, seeing only what is wrong with them and what they are not doing for us and the relationship and it is based on the desire to have more of them.

 

👊WE DESIRE OUR PARTNERS BEST TOO!👊

 

We are afraid to ask for it and don’t know how.

But when we criticize THIS is what we are actually saying.

 

When we make everything else a priority, we put our hearts and our partners on the back burner.

 

We can have moments in life when we have to do this for sure.

Just like we can certainly have times when our worst self takes center stage with  our partner and we find ourselves acting out our worst fears and wounds.

In these times we create an opportunity for our partner to support us and see us as we see ourselves sometimes.

We build intimacy through our wounds and fears.

 

But if we allow these times to become routine,

we allow dis-harmony and dis-connection to become what our relationship is founded in.

 

👊All relationship has its rhythm. 👊

 

It’s always:

Harmony 🔥Dis-harmony😔Repair🧐

Connection 🔥 Dis-connection😔Repair🧐

 

You cannot have magic all the time!

You cannot be turned on all the time!

You will never feel aligned and connected all the time!

You will have pain and suffering.

You will have joy and triumph.

 

You MUST COMMIT to the repair portion.

 

This means that you make your priority relationship with your partner a priority.

 

👊👊Your commitment to the relationship and to finding happiness for “the entity of us” in the relationship making it a must be non-negotiable. 👊👊

 

This is the routine.

The ritual.

The boundary.

 

If you are wanting to feel aligned to your partner, to restore intimacy, connection and recapture the honeymoon phase, then find your Wednesday.

 

For my man and I, we have our daily morning routine of waking, snuggling, inquiring how we each slept, what our feelings at waking are while we enjoy coffee.

 

We reach out to each other all day long, just sharing here and there about what’s going on and inquiring how the other is doing.

 

We then faithfully come together each early evening for our “sipper” or glass of wine. We stop everything else. We kiss. We touch, We talk for an hour and we catch up with what’s happened in each other’s lives.

 

This is our daily routine.

 

Then we dedicate ourselves to Wednesdays.

 

And from this we move smoothly through the storms of life and relationships.

We still ebb and flow in our connection, but we never allow dis-connect to become the “entity of us.”

 

We desire each other more because of these rituals and routines.

We feel safer with each other and that we have each other’s backs because we have established a non-negotiable boundary around the “repair” which is based in our routines and rituals.

 

👊🧐🔥And for anyone reading this musing today,

I ask you to explore what you are doing to connect, to find harmony, to make the “entity of us,” the priority relationship that you once desired it to be?👊🧐🔥

 

Hopefully you have found something in my words here to help you.

Know that a relationship requires commitment.

It requires time, dedication, and focus.

If you are wanting for the yummy, juicy moments…

the magic…

Then you have to build the foundation for those moments.

That requires effort and desire.

 

That requires you to want to water the plant you want to grow. 🌹

 

As Always,

Stop Accepting Average and Ordinary in Your Love Life and Relationship.

 

If you want that Soulmate Relationship, that love that explodes your heart and connects you to the heavens, then let’s get you aligned today!

 

Reach out to me about deet’s for my new 💥💥Autumn Session of The Magic Minute! 💥💥

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

😂🤣And before you ask about the pud in my putch comment above, that was yesterday’s convo… humorous events happen on Wednesdays. I had no idea what pud meant ( I know hard to believe perhaps, and I used the word putsch when we were going to bed, ” You putsched your pillow in my face.”🤣 because his pillow hit me in the face while he was fluffing it…lol and we had to then look up the word because we were uncertain if it was a real word… it is! and it means p*ssy. So there is my title and intimacy  share with you dear reader. 😂😅