Coming to Be Me!
Born Brenda Rene' Gripe to a forty-one-year old WWII concentration camp survivor and an English heritage man who's ancestors were part of the great settlement of the United States of America as well as a long ancestry line leading back to the right hand of Queen Elizabeth I. Both of my parents outcast in one fashion or another, caught in a world view of scarcity, war, trauma and a fear of society. I grew up in an unfinished 600 square foot shack in Northern California where there was hardly anything other than olive and orange groves, walnut trees and wheat fields. Home schooled till third grade as my parents were attempting to protect me from everything they feared of this world. My mother was highly emotional, loud, excessive and had little respect for others boundaries. A highly creative woman with many amazing artistic talents and a self-taught education that could put many collage graduates to shame. She taught me an appreciation for the arts, held me high on a pedestal where in her eyes I could do no wrong. Revealing to me the wonders and mystery of our world, of spirit, magic and the understandings of how history can repeat itself. She taught me to appreciate life, to honor it because it is fleeting and to enjoy each breath even if in fear of losing it. These lessons were taught from her many horror stories of WWII in Germany where she survived seven bombing of her homes, witnessed her loved ones and friends dying and was captured and moved through five concentration camps with her little sister as their parents hunted for them. All before the age of eight.
My father, a man from a different era. He was not concerned with “stuff,” he wanted the simple life. Off the grid. He had no longing for people, drama, debt or others’ opinions of him. His life took him through many set backs as well, where he learned to not trust women, his children or life as we know it. He was a man who trusted nature. Nature in all things. As a map maker for the Airforce he learned many skills, his passion to find treasure was perhaps his only focus outside of me. He was calm, collected and calculating. His education was not great, he struggled to read, had little care for the classics and art. He was defensive, strong, determined to be his own person at any cost. My father taught me these things. He showed me a magical world in nature through years spent hunting for treasures at his gold claim in the Sierra Nevada’s. My friends were the wild animals from, snakes, birds and insects to the coyote, mountain lion, deer and bear. My formative years I grew up alone, away from civilization for the most part until third grade. I lived in nature and with it. Learning to not fear it, but to appreciate its wonder, its life giving and taking. I learned about the hunt of something precious, rare and valuable and how that hunt can require us to sacrifice many things.
My parents loved me.
They did the best that they could, with what they had learned in life and what their parents had passed on to them. That is what we do as parents, we pass our fears, subconscious programming, hungers and trauma as well as some of the beauty we have witnessed on to our children.
I stand here today, a mother of seven children of my own. Mimi to five beautiful grandbabies that fill my heart with love and pain. A woman who has been blessed with her own life experiences, some good, some amazing and some traumatizing. I struggle daily with the internal harmonizing of my emotions, thoughts, experiences and what I will do with them in my daily actions.
I Have a Hunger Too...
A hunger to feel of service, to not sacrifice my soul calling for the mundane life that may be handed to many of us without question. My parent’s lessons have taught me one core element to living a life worth while: GOD PUTS IN OUR HEARTS ONLY THE MUSIC THAT WE CAN PLAY. DO NOT DIE HOLDING ONTO IT.
Walking Through The Valley- Dark Night of the Soul
About two- years ago, I found myself being blessed with a love so potent and strong it was sure to transform my very DNA.
I had already spent years asking of myself, my truth. “Who am I? Who is this woman in this body that feels so much, desires life to move through her, has been given this understanding, these views, these talents and this unwavering fear that she will not succeed. That EVERYTHING will be taken from her. Who is she?” Two-years ago however, I was reawaken to the possibility of love. Eternal love. A man walked into my life, that had been on the sidelines for sometime watching, he walked in at a time of trauma, war, struggle and he proclaimed his strength and dedication. His courage to stand firm in his own integrity created a title wave of evolution at a soul level for myself. My resounding pull to him that all I could only say was a soul yes was blinding. It felt like we were traveling through lifetimes of healing together in weeks and months. Throwing me into what is known as the dark night of the soul, a rebirthing of one’s truest self.
I Was Being Offered A Choice
I could choose to stay on this path that I had been on that was relatively successful by the definition of success to society, but found myself struggling with depression, hurt, feeling alone, used, lost in who I had become and up against a wall that I could not seem to see away around. Or I could choose me for the first time, truly me. To be selfish about it matter a fact.
I realized that I had built Kendal Williams for the last decade plus because I did not think that Rene’ Schooler (my married name that I kept and my middle name) was strong enough in the world, and I did not know that. This was a subconscious thing since childhood in truth.
As I went further into the dark night of the soul I realized my desire to stand fully in who I was. I realized that it was time that I reclaim that little girl that I had abandoned so many years ago. And this revelation allowed me to find answers in that darkness and I was not so depressed, but more at peace in who I was becoming.
I never felt aligned to the name Brenda, I eliminated Brenda when I was twelve legally, renaming myself to Renate. Rene’ however was always my chosen name to go by although I had left her for so long as well. I went back and got little Rene’ when the foundation of this story that I had told for so long, as to what my life was going to be, what Kendal Williams was going to become. When that foundation was cracking under this persona that I felt my life depended upon, I did not know what to do. I was so invested in the story. My own manifestation, my own will to show how strong I could be, if I were just someone else. But God had different plans and stepped in and said clearly, ” No, no. We are going to show you who is really in charge and you are going to have to surrender to this and what your life is actually about.”
The uniting with Craig was a very penetrative transformation for me. It was the surrender that God had placed in my valley. The soul bonding that I have with Craig is mimicking the one that I have wanted with God. It is the very desire to know myself through love. However, to have it required me to travel back through time and birth myself.
I never loved my name since earliest childhood, maybe age four or five. I now know it’s because I did not trust Rene’.
Rene’ was artistic, Honor Roll student, a chameleon, who loved public speaking, writing, fashion, photography, nature and was fascinated by the erotism of life in all things. But deep down felt powerless. Only saw transactional love from those who loved me unconditionally, because they were treating me the way that they had experienced life and love, they were repeating their own programs. By going back to that inner child, I created deep empathy and compassion for those in my life, but also got to confirm to myself that Rene’ had created Kendal, that I had always been strong enough to live a life of passion unapologetically true to my soul music. From here I started to love my name, to feel at home with it for the first time since those early years.
Kendal was a part of me, but Rene’ had to be in charge again.
It was time to give myself permission
A decade ago, I could not have done this. I was not ready too. I had not done the work nor did I have the right support in my life to embrace my rebirth into who I am. That is why I created this sexually confident, follow the energy, adventurous, courageous, don't show your fears persona. And it was perfect for where I was. I needed to toughen up from being the pigeon toed, frail, wall flower based in anxiety and fear of the outside world that I had allowed myself to be in years past. All these aspects of self was part of my evolution.
I had to get to a place of knowing that I was enough.
We are all told a lie.
We are told that nobody is perfect.
But we are all perfect.
Your image is perfect. My image is perfect. You mess up, you are still perfect. You lose a limb, lose all your money, lie, cheat, suffer trauma. You are still perfect!
It’s all perfectly part of your journey.
You are perfectly imperfect.
In a Course in Miracles, we are given the lessons, “I am not a victim to the world that I see and I have invented the world that I see.”
We are truly made in the image of God. We have been given the power to manifest our world, our life and who we want to be.
I believe in Soul Union.
I believe that we all can become our greatest version of self. Our destiny is not set in stone, it is our right to choose. That is what free will is all about. CHOICE.
In order to choose a life of passion and purpose, which gives us permission to set the music that God has put into our hearts free we MUST be willing to stop telling ourselves the story that supports the resistance to living the life that we want. And this requires a rebirthing of who we are.
For me, I had to be born again twice.
And perhaps I knew this at a soul level early on. Perhaps its why I changed my name from Brenda meaning sword, to Renate meaning reborn. Not being conscious that I had chosen a name that was saying double rebirth as Rene’ too means reborn. And maybe I had to come into this world with the strength of a sword to do just this.
My story, has many beautiful tales within it of love, lust, passion, magic, power, success, adventure and new lands. It also, bares with it many tales of pain, suffering, trauma, loss, war, danger and shame. It is unique to my soul calling and yet it is your story as well. For we are all required to reclaim ourselves in this physical experience we call life. We all hunger for something more. We feel lost, abandoned and not enough all while questioning if we are perhaps being too much. We hide ourselves out of fear of not being accepted or loved. We want to know that someone will care when we are gone.
"You Are not who you were. you are who you have become." - René S.
WE WANT TO KNOW THAT WE MATTER.
My soul music is just this: a symphony that demands to be heard to the greatest of its reach.
And its undying desire is to tell you, “YES!”
Yes, you can.
All you ever need do is ask yourself, “Why not you?”
I believe that we are all born with unique ideas, dreams, abilities and talents that are only given to us by God. And that we are presented with a journey into the deep soul where we can unmask these gifts and know ourselves truly. However, all too often we choose to focus on fear (false evidence appearing real) and we choose to never act or pursue the dream, or act on the talents. We choose to not see our leadership, or to let our voice be heard or our words read. We choose safety over love and purpose.
And the music dies with us.
The anger, shame, guilt, and pain that you feel without measure and cannot escape, that is your true self – your soul, saying these gifts came to you, and you alone and they will never be unmasked by another.
YOU MUST BE SELFISH TO STAND IN SOUL INTEGRITY.
It is the most brilliant selfishness too, because it requires you to shine bright.
To call in your soulmate and to be reborn. To transform your life and thus the world through you. Because your light matters. Your heart matters.
No matter the valley’s you must travel through.
You are enough.
I am enough.
Thank you for viewing this glimpse into who I am and who I was.
Now, it’s your turn to say yes to yourself.
To call in the essence of God manifest through you, through your soul unity with another and through your music. The music that no other can ever play.
In unapologetic loving service to your soul,
I am a woman on a mission to help other brilliant rebellious souls who are exhausted from the mundane life, overwhelmed by the trauma, pain and suffering of what we have allowed to manifest thus far - ever hopeful, courageous and pursuing of this "sacred union" of love and devotion that we want for with out equal, all the while being a little reckless, playful and uniquely us. I am a woman on a mission to witness you, because I have walked in similar shoes and I know your hunger. I understand your fear.
My mission is to start a revolution.
It's a soul-tion, YOUR SOUL - unapologetically free, in love and favor of God.
What People Are Raving About
"FOUND MY MF SOULMATE!!! Thank you for showing me how to be all of me and have my forever person. I love you!"
Marissa Holsworth, 47
Mamma Bear to three, Nurse
"Our relationship was falling apart after almost 30 years together. We both thought it was lost, and after working with KW the last year, it's not only restored... it's better than the newly period."
Ryan & Brit Mayers