Safety In Relationships – What That REALLY Means!
Most humans want a relationship,
They are looking to be loved, to be cherished and cared for.
One of the main things I hear over and over again in my couple’s work or when working with a client who has recently come out of a relationship is that they “just want to feel safe.”
The word safe, the concept of safety in an intimate relationship is one that seems like it should be a ‘no duh’ sorta thing, right?
I mean, why would you get into a relationship with someone if you don’t feel safe?
That is causing you some sort of harm.
Often, though, the word safe does not mean that one is being abused.
It does not mean that they are being harmed in any physical or emotional fashion even,
All it is in relation to is that the individual doesn’t feel that they can trust their partner with their most intimate realms, with their needs, fears, complaints, opinions, or true ideas around certain topics without their words and feelings being used against them somewhere down the road.
And these are BIG issues in modern intimate relationships of all manner.
The ability to trust and be vulnerable with our mate is what is required if we are to truly be able to rest in the arms of the relationship and enjoy happiness, connection, and longevity.
If we are aiming to go the long haul with someone then we must be able to trust them and reveal ourselves.
ALL of ourselves.
Although NOT all of the time.
I should make the critical point here that the concept that trust and vulnerability, knowing everything that there is to know about each other and providing a space where there is nothing hidden is and often can be detrimental to the relationship. We must understand that we will never fully know any other human being on this planet in totality. We must as well understand and accept that always stating the “brutal honest truth” is not always the healthiest nor most loving thing for the relationship. Sometimes the “brutal truth” is a criticism that doesn’t need to be stated at that moment and will quickly trigger an old wound that will manifest into an avalanche of pain and disconnection for the couple. Sometimes, these painful “truths” need to be swallowed by the one who is wanting to share them because they only cause harm to the entity of “us” to the relationship and thus to the individuals in the relationship.
We see this consistently in arguments.
How many times have you found yourself losing sight of the point that you were originally wanting to make or the solution that you were wanting to find because you or your partner were triggered and thus an argument stirred up and all points were lost?
Next thing you know, one harsh word is quickly followed by another and there is an assasination of each person’s character happening. Creating further wounding and separation as each enter the blame game and armour up in their towers against the enemy that they call their soulmate.
Safety in relationship means simply that I can trust you to care about me.
To want what is best for me.
To care about my feelings.
And to not use them against me down the road.
The saying that all is fair in love and war is pretty accurate however, and we tend to file away the things that our partners share with us in deep vulnerability only to use it for ammo another day.
Unfortunately, this tactic only leads to separation, fear to share, to open up and creates a space where both parties do not trust the other.
In early stage relationship ( the courting phase and honeymoon) we desire to learn all that we can about our mate. We are mesmerized by their hearts, how they see life, what they have lived through, what their dreams are and fears. We want them to know that we have their backs, that we are a rock for them that will not waiver. Our rose tinted glasses keep us focused on “what we can do for them” and the beauty of the entity of “us” that makes up this relationship. We intently listen with limited judgement about their past and present. And we offer all the same of ourselves.
Give a couple years of relationship and we almost 100% of the time find a radically different dynamic happening.
Now, we find exhaustion in our partners fears and dreams.
We look at the relationship and we say, “What have you done for me lately?”
We point out all the times that we were there and they were not.
We find ourselves drifting off in judgement and criticism in our heads and thoughts when our partner shares with us, and we believe that we know them so well that we already know what they will be sharing about their thoughts and feelings around any given topic.
This is where the statement of:
And so many more “YOU” comments are birthed.
From the very first vocalizations of these comments we no longer have our focused on the entity of “us” or a desire to make the relationship better, but instead we have turned our attention to the blaming of our partner and all that they have done to create pain for us.
Not realizing that we have been triggered by something,
That we are not in alignment or agreement with what they have shared.
Most often, this is seen when one partner is sharing a feeling.
The other will feel guilt, irritation, frustration, fear, anger around the feeling shared and it translates to them that their partner is blaming them for the feeling.
However, no one is responsible for our feelings.
No one can make/force you to feel anything.
Feelings come from within. From the way we are viewing things, how we relate that to our past and the perceptions that we are having about our current or future.
You see, when our partner shares a feeling with us that we do not agree with, we stop being able to hear them accurately after 10 seconds. That is about three sentences worth of sharing before you drift off into your own inner dialogue about what your partner is attempting to share.
And before you know it you are reacting to your story line about what is happening instead of the truth.
It’s sorta like your partner says, “ I feel hungry.”
And you instantly feel guilty for not having food available, ready or making an offer to them to eat something. So your reaction without the conscious thought about why you are responding the way you are is, “ We just had lunch two hours ago.”
Your tone is of frustration or irritation as to “how could they be hungry again?”
Next thing you know the tone of your comment says to your partner, “He/she does not care that I am hungry and instead is angry with me about being hungry. Maybe I should not be hungry. I don’t want my partner to be upset with me.”
If this scenario is repeated multiple times over a relationship it creates a pattern.
And it plays on the program that the majority of us have from childhood that says that we don’t want to be a nuisance or to ask for our needs if its going to cause issues.
And, so we quickly learn that even in our most intimate loving relationships that we are not safe to reveal our feelings or needs. That there are conditions to being loved by this other individual and that we need to abide by them in order to remain in the relationship.
Now the example above may seem silly to some, because if you feel hungry then you feel hungry. The same as if you feel cold. Who are any of us to argue with someone feeling either of these things. We are not in their bodies.
Yet, over and over again we argue with our mates about how they feel and try to disarm those feelings by making them less or turning our partners feelings into poisonous darts that we assume are deliberately aiming at our egos.
Making neither party feel safe in the relationship.
Both are now questioning how much they can reveal, how much they can trust and in turn often choose to not share as much moving forward.
Creating separation and surface level communication, loving, sharing and intimacy.
Depth dissipates and the two people become individuals again instead of residing in the entity of “us.”
Always on the lookout for the next time their partner says something that reminds them of when… and how it made them feel…
If we are to have “safety” in a relationship then we need to respect one anothers feelings, understanding that feelings are just that, feelings and there is no right or wrong way to feel.
It most certainly is not our place to be judge and jury over our mates feelings about anything.
What we can do to create a safe container for our love to evolve and grow is to become a better witness of our own mind and heart. To acknowledge that we are far from perfect ourselves and that we get triggered by our mates. If we want to have depth and trust in the relationship, then we need to take responsibility for our own realms and feelings and learn how to better communicate them and when so that we do not add to the fires of war but instead speak what is true. Becoming aware of our egos, our pain bodies and how our past impacts our current perceptions and ideas is vital to harvesting a strong, loving, connected relationship.
However ,the only person on this planet that can do that for you is YOU.
And it will require you to want an empowered relationship with yourself first and then with your partner. It will force you to see your shadow self as well as your radiance and to learn timing, non-violent communication, what your real needs, wants and expectations are in your relationship and an upleveld way of sharing them.
Relationships are not for the timid or weak hearted.
If you are among the many that believe that you can just get in one, set it to auto pilot and all is good, you will find yourself lost and alone pretty quickly. At very least feeling empty.
Relationship with another human being means that you will have to explore a new you, over and over again. And the same of your mate.
For time together, means transformation of the self and the entity of “us.”
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
The body holds memory in its cells. Your organs, joints and muscles all contain emotional memory. Doing the mental/psychological work is vitally important however it does not release you from the bondage of your trauma. This can only be fully accomplished through physical release and restoration. Louise Hay studied this at great length and taught on the emotional connection to disease, ancient Chinese medicine studied the connection of the mind/body/emotional houses as well. Today science is proving that we are woven together and that by attempting to compartmentalize our very being into sections that we do not achieve the healing and transformation that we desire for any length of time because of this separation.
If you are tired of not having the lasting results in your self-growth and healing that you so badly want for and wonder why, look no further. Reach out to me today for your exploratory consult for structural quantum integration work where you will once and for all release the past traumas, restore vitality and health and have a fresh clarity on who you are and what your future can be.
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