I WANT YOU TO WANT TO.

I WANT YOU TO WANT TO.

 

“I want you to want to do the dishes.” She said to her husband of 23 years as they sat on my couch arguing about what was going wrong in the relationship. 

“And I want you to want to have sex with me,” he quickly responded back. 

 

This two line snippet into a marriage is one that is common for many and it is the old story line of man wants more sex, woman wants man to show he cares by XYZ.

 

What needs to happen to achieve some sort of healthy space for these two however?

And how in the hell did they arrive at this place of not having interest in what the other wants but only a strong focus on what they themselves are not getting from the relationship?

 

It’s important to understand what is actually being said in these statements between these two individuals. 

 

The wife is sharing that she is exhausted in life and feels pulled in too many directions. She wants help at home. And that helps tell her that her husband loves her. That she is worthy of being supported and cared for. It says to her that he values her feelings and appreciates all that she does. 

 

The husband in turn is sharing that he is stressed and exhausted with life and all the directions and problems he is constantly trying to fix. He needs to know that he is more than just an ATM machine, a provider but that he is desired by his wife. The sexual connection to him is not just about the quick act of sex, but that she wants to be with him. It says I love you to him and that she values him as a “man.” That he is enough.

 

They are saying the same things to each other. 

They want to know that their partner cares about them outside of the roles that they provide in life for family, home, and work. They want to know that their partner sees them and wants them. 

 

Basic love language stuff, right?

Yes it is and yet so many choose to disregard the power of the love languages. 

And if we are among the many at this time who are familiar with the concept of love languages we believe that we have a priority love language and that if this is filled then we “should” know that we are loved. However, this is not the case.

 

I have learned personally and in working with thousands of people over the last two decades that the primary love language changes consistently for a large majority of the people. 

If we are a person like the woman above who is focused on Acts of Service and then our mate starts focusing on doing more chores and little things to assist us, we are appreciative for a time frame. Then we grow accustomed to it and start to take it for granted. At this point our focus turns toward where we feel/see lack in our relationship.  So maybe the next love language runner up is time. Since our partner has been helping out more, we have now noticed that they are not as quick to snuggle or suggest a date night or time away. So, now our “feeling” of being loved rests in the hands of this next love language and we feel like they are ignoring us, they don’t care or they would want to set aside time with us. 

 

And so on. 

Might seem hopeless, I know. 

So why bother learning love languages or applying them if you are going to just get the run around and taken for granted and still not get it right with your partner?

 

Because love languages matter. 

But so does understanding that we humans are fickle and adapt to things quickly. 

Our ability to adapt to the normalcy of things in this case creates bitterness in the relationship and  to our mate that they are never good enough, no matter what they do. It will leave our partners feeling used and in an essence they are. 

 

Understanding the fickle nature of humans is powerful, and it releases you from the need and idea that you have to always do something. Instead it frees you into truly being able to connect with your partner. The reality is that we humans desire and need all five love languages. 

At different points of our relationships we will need different things. 

Depending on our history and what our personal challenges are, how we perceive things and how well we know ourselves  will decide what we lean toward. 

And they will be ever changing. 

 

Once upon a time I believed that acts of service was my primary love language and it was because in my life and relationship I was a stay at home mother of five young children and I was constantly doing dishes, laundry, errands and all the homemaker things. I volunteered to the classrooms and sat and did homework and crafty projects with my kids. I prided myself in having it all done. Even the bleached baseboards… however I was bitter AF as well about it. Because all I wanted was a day to rest. I wanted to come in and find that someone saw all the laundry or dishes and had just done them because they needed to be done. I wanted my then husband to see that I was exhausted and not ask me for sex but instead let me sleep in and take care of the kids one Saturday. I wanted him to say, “Hey I booked you a massage for 2pm today so you can have a moment to relax.”

 

None, of that was on the table. And I felt not seen, appreciated or loved. I felt used up. 

Years later, I was offered a relationship that supported some of my needs around acts of service but did not provide me the date nights, the snuggling, the moments of “ I want to spend this moment with just you and get to know you deeper, to listen, to share or dream.” And so my primary love language became time and physical touch. I bounced between the two because I had very little of each. The physical touch offered was only sexual and had to be adventurous or it was obsolete. So I did what was needed to get fed the love language I was craving. 

 

Then years later. I found myself dating someone who constantly wanted to touch me and would not let me have a moment of alone space. Time and physical touch was his focus and with it I became frustrated and exhausted in attempting to provide him his needs when all I was craving was alone time. I share these little excerpts from my personal life to say, “ You are normal.” 

Being fickle is normal. 

Your love languages changing is normal. 

 

And beautiful at that, it shows you exactly where you are at in life and in relationship. 

I hear so often from couples that there is nothing wrong in their relationships, that they think that everything is just fine as is, yet then alone they will complain about one of these things to me. 

Revealing that everything is not fine as is. 

And that is the reality of ALL relationship. It’s never fine as is. 

There is always room for adjustment, growth and improvement. 

Our fickle nature is designed just so we do not grow complacent but instead desire for more in our most precious gift of intimate relating. 

And so that we consistently ask more of ourselves so that we can achieve the relationship that we want for. 

 

In order to have not just a successful relationship based in longevity but also in happiness and satisfaction it is vitally important to understand the power of our fickleness and how we want for our mates to want our love language for us and to offer it consistently. 

 

If we only choose to love our partners the way that we feel love we will resign our mates to a relationship that feels empty and loveless. 

 

So I ask you today to review how you choose to see the requests of your partner. 

I ask you to look at how you show your love and if that matches what your partner needs? If you are uncertain as to the answer, you need not look any further than their complaints on what they want/need? 

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

Coaching for Grown A*s Believers

-Kendal Rene’

 

As Esther Perel says the quality of our relationships, determines the quality of our lives. Make 2022 the year that you learn how to have your best life ever! Reach out to me today to learn the power of erotism, play, ritual and routine in your intimate relationships today.

Safety In Relationships – What That REALLY Means!

Safety In Relationships – What That REALLY Means!

 

Relationship. 

Most humans want a relationship, 

They are looking to be loved, to be cherished and cared for. 

One of the main things I hear over and over again in my couple’s work or when working with a client who has recently come out of a relationship is that they “just want to feel safe.”

 

The word safe, the concept of safety in an intimate relationship is one that seems like it should be a ‘no duh’ sorta thing, right?

 

I mean, why would you get into a relationship with someone if you don’t feel safe?

That is causing you some sort of harm. 

Often, though, the word safe does not mean that one is being abused. 

It does not mean that they are being harmed in any physical or emotional fashion even, 

All it is in relation to is that the individual doesn’t feel that they can trust their partner with their most intimate realms, with their needs, fears, complaints, opinions, or true ideas around certain topics without their words and feelings being used against them somewhere down the road. 

 

And these are BIG issues in modern intimate relationships of all manner. 

 

The ability to trust and be vulnerable with our mate is what is required if we are to truly be able to rest in the arms of the relationship and enjoy happiness, connection, and longevity. 

If we are aiming to go the long haul with someone then we must be able to trust them and reveal ourselves. 

 

ALL of ourselves. 

Although NOT all of the time. 

I should make the critical point here that the concept that trust and vulnerability, knowing everything that there is to know about each other and providing a space where there is nothing hidden is and often can be detrimental to the relationship. We must understand that we will never fully know any other human being on this planet in totality. We must as well understand and accept that always stating the “brutal honest truth” is not always the healthiest nor most loving thing for the relationship. Sometimes the “brutal truth” is a criticism that doesn’t need to be stated at that moment and will quickly trigger an old wound that will manifest into an avalanche of pain and disconnection for the couple. Sometimes, these painful “truths” need to be swallowed by the one who is wanting to share them because they only cause harm to the entity of “us” to the relationship and thus to the individuals in the relationship. 

 

We see this consistently in arguments. 

How many times have you found yourself losing sight of the point that you were originally wanting to make or the solution that you were wanting to find because  you or your partner were triggered and thus an argument stirred up and all points were lost?

 

Next thing you know, one harsh word is quickly followed by another and there is an assasination of each person’s character happening. Creating further wounding and separation as each enter the blame game and armour up in their towers against the enemy that they call their soulmate. 

 

Safety in relationship means simply that I can trust you to care about me. 

To want what is best for me. 

To care about my feelings. 

And to not use them against me down the road. 

 

The saying that all is fair in love and war is pretty accurate however, and we tend to file away the things that our partners share with us in deep vulnerability only to use it for ammo another day. 

 

Unfortunately, this tactic only leads to separation, fear to share, to open up and creates a space where both parties do not trust the other. 

 

In early stage relationship ( the courting phase and honeymoon) we desire to learn all that we can about our mate. We are mesmerized by their hearts, how they see life, what they have lived through, what their dreams are and fears. We want them to know that we have their backs, that we are a rock for them that will not waiver. Our rose tinted glasses keep us focused on “what we can do for them” and the beauty of the entity of “us” that makes up this relationship. We intently listen with limited judgement about their past and present. And we offer all the same of ourselves. 

 

Give a couple years of relationship and we almost 100% of the time find a radically different dynamic happening. 

 

Now, we find exhaustion in our partners fears and dreams. 

We look at the relationship and we say, “What have you done for me lately?”

We point out all the times that we were there and they were not. 

We find ourselves drifting off in judgement and criticism in our heads and thoughts when our partner shares with us, and we believe that we know them so well that we already know what they will be sharing about their thoughts and feelings around any given topic. 

 

This is where the statement of:

 

“You always…”

“You never…”

And so many more “YOU” comments are birthed. 

 

From the very first vocalizations of these comments we no longer have our focused on the entity of “us” or a desire to make the relationship better, but instead we have turned our attention to the blaming of our partner and all that they have done to create pain for us. 

 

Not realizing that we have been triggered by something, 

That we are not in alignment or agreement with what they have shared. 

Most often, this is seen when one partner is sharing a feeling.

The other will feel guilt, irritation, frustration, fear, anger  around the feeling shared and it translates to them that their partner is blaming them for the feeling. 

However, no one is responsible for our feelings. 

No one can make/force you to feel anything. 

Feelings come from within. From the way we are viewing things, how we relate that to our past and the perceptions that we are having about our current or future. 

You see, when our partner shares a feeling with us that we do not agree with, we stop being able to hear them accurately after 10 seconds. That is about three sentences worth of sharing before you drift off into your own inner dialogue about what your partner is attempting to share.

 

And before you know it you are reacting to your story line about what is happening instead of the truth. 

 

It’s sorta like your partner says, “ I feel hungry.” 

And you instantly feel guilty for not having food available, ready or making an offer to them to eat something. So your reaction without the conscious thought about why you are responding the way you are is, “ We just had lunch two hours ago.”

Your tone is of frustration or irritation as to “how could they be hungry again?”

Next thing you know the tone of your comment says to your partner, “He/she does not care that I am hungry and instead is angry with me about being hungry. Maybe I should not be hungry. I don’t want my partner to be upset with me.”

 

If this scenario is repeated multiple times over a relationship it creates a pattern. 

And it plays on the program that the majority of us have from childhood that says that we don’t want to be a nuisance or to ask for our needs if its going to cause issues. 

 

And, so we quickly learn that even in our most intimate loving relationships that we are not safe to reveal our feelings or needs. That there are conditions to being loved by this other individual and that we need to abide by them in order to remain in the relationship. 

 

Now the example above may seem silly to some, because if you feel hungry then you feel hungry. The same as if you feel cold. Who are any of us to argue with someone feeling either of these things. We are not in their bodies. 

Yet, over and over again we argue with our mates about how they feel and try to disarm those feelings by making them less or turning our partners feelings into poisonous darts that we assume are deliberately aiming at our egos.

 

Making neither party feel safe in the relationship.

Both are now questioning how much they can reveal, how much they can trust and in turn often choose to not share as much moving forward. 

 

Creating separation and surface level communication, loving, sharing and intimacy. 

Depth dissipates and the two people become individuals again instead of residing in the entity of “us.”

 

Always on the lookout for the next time their partner says something that reminds them of when… and how it made them feel…

 

If we are to have “safety” in a relationship then we need to respect one anothers feelings, understanding that feelings are just that, feelings and there is no right or wrong way to feel. 

It most certainly is not our place to be judge and jury over our mates feelings about anything. 

What we can do to create a safe container for our love to evolve and grow is to become a better witness of our own mind and heart. To acknowledge that we are far from perfect ourselves and that we get triggered by our mates. If we want to have depth and trust in the relationship, then we need to take responsibility for our own realms and feelings and learn how to better communicate them and when so that we do not add to the fires of war but instead speak what is true. Becoming aware of our egos, our pain bodies and how our past impacts our current perceptions and ideas is vital to harvesting a strong, loving, connected relationship. 

 

However ,the only person on this planet that can do that for you is YOU.

And it will require you to want an empowered relationship with yourself first and then with your partner. It will force you to see your shadow self as well as your radiance and to learn timing, non-violent communication, what your real needs, wants and expectations are in your relationship and an upleveld way of sharing them. 

 

Relationships are not for the timid or weak hearted.

If you are among the many that believe that you can just get in one, set it to auto pilot and all is good, you will find yourself lost and alone pretty quickly. At very least feeling empty. 

Relationship with another human being means that you will have to explore a new you, over and over again. And the same of your mate. 

 

For time together, means transformation of the self and the entity of “us.”

 

Ready?

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

-KW

The body holds memory in its cells. Your organs, joints and muscles all contain emotional memory. Doing the mental/psychological work is vitally important however it does not release you from the bondage of your trauma. This can only be fully accomplished through physical release and restoration. Louise Hay studied this at great length and taught on the emotional connection to disease, ancient Chinese medicine studied the connection of the mind/body/emotional houses as well. Today science is proving that we are woven together and that by attempting to compartmentalize our very being into sections that we do not achieve the healing and transformation that we desire for any length of time because of this separation.

If you are tired of not having the lasting results in your self-growth and healing that you so badly want for and wonder why, look no further. Reach out to me today for your exploratory consult for structural quantum integration work where you will once and for all release the past traumas, restore vitality and health and have a fresh clarity on who you are and what your future can be.

Email me today for your FREE Explorative Consult for this Exclusive Bodywork Series.

What Getting Shot At Taught Me.

 

The bullets whirled past my head and shoulders. 

Horror encompassed every aspect of my being. 

We ran. We ran like there was no tomorrow because we did not know if there was one. 

I can still see the tall wheat grasses, golden in the afternoon sunlight, bending to our thrashing of them with each intensified step. 

I can grasp ahold of my only hope that we would clear the field, clear the firehouse doors and make it to Laura’s house. Laura was the woman I thought of as my grandmother, although she was of no blood relation or family to me. She and her brother Art lived across the field from us in a house that was built a hundred years before. I loved to play barbies in her house breezeway and under the remaining orange grove trees in the spring and summer. Laura would make me iced tea and we would sit in her rusty metal rocking chairs as she told me tales of her youth. Laura was my sanctuary as a child. Her house was a magical mystery from times I only saw in movies and read about and Laura with her long silver hair and dress from something like Little House on the Prairie was a woman who I felt safe with and on this Spring Day in 1980 my mother was hoping to find safety at Lauras as well. 

 

I was four-years old. My parents had been fighting off and on for a few days. My father had a temper, although most of the time he was calm, cool and collected. You never knew exactly what would set him off or when the eruption was going to happen. Life was peaceful and good 95% of the time and as long as everything was according to the order that he wanted it to be. My mother without true understanding pushed his buttons often with her carefree gypsy ways. However, today, today none of this was about any of that. It was about my mother wanting to visit her homeland of Germany and take me with her. It meant that we would be gone for four or five weeks, and I was so very excited about the adventures that lay before us on this journey. My father on the other hand, not so much. He was not good with his daughter leaving the country. 

 

And so, the fight erupted and without notice, the shouting led to fists through walls and breaking glass, doors slamming, and threats being made. I played outside, next to the old water cooler where I had built a shelter. I felt safe, was out of the way, and could still hear everything. But today my mom ran to my little dome habitat and grabbed my hand, told me to drop everything and come. Barbie in hand she pulled me with all her might as we rushed through the yard and into the field toward Laura’s house. Her weeping was loud, and I did not understand what was happening. 

 

Not until I heard the ring of my daddy’s pistol. 

And then I understood. 

 

I understood that he was mad and that something my mom had done had made him so. 

I understood that in order to keep the peace with the man I looked up to, who was my world (because I was daddy’s little girl, he walked on water many days with me), the man who I believed would never hurt me, always keep me safe, loved me, cherished me and that I respected without question… I understood that this peace was shattered. 

So much so that he was willing to shoot at us. 

At me. 

I had witnessed my father’s rage on a few occasions, and I already knew that he was not a man to be reckoned with. His word was the end of the line. He allowed me massive freedom in so many ways but demanded that I earn it. That I prove my worth and that I walk the line he had for me, and he demanded the same in a respect of my mother. 

 

This day in my fourth year of life was a day that bore with it an education around a relationship with a man that I am pretty sure my daddy never wanted me to experience nor have ingrained at the level that it buried itself in my psyche. But that is the path of parenting, we are still humans, and we are wounded humans at that. We allow our ego’s, our fear and pain to overrun us like my dad had done on this day and we act without the foresight of what the repercussions are for those we love. Often these repercussions are years long and sometimes a lifetime. 

 

What my daddy set in motion this day and events prior and after was the lesson of: 

 

PISS A MAN OFF, GET HURT.

Don’t do what you know will keep the peace…

Speak up too much…

Don’t get it right…

Show too much emotion…

Or opinion…

Do anything that is not pleasing to what he wants and there WILL be hell to pay. 

Perhaps even death.

 

I did make friends with the idea of death on this day and a few others that came close in similar events, and that is not a bad thing. I have understood that life is fleeting, and you never know when it’s gift of breath in your lungs will be taken from you, so enjoy the moment while you have it and be the best you that makes you feel good about yourself. Don’t take anything for granted. 

 

Those are the gifts from this traumatic event. 

The hard lessons that I have spent my life retraining myself on however, so that I can release myself from the shackles that I bought into in my youth, the ones that I get triggered daily with in my relationship with my partner, the ones that my clients bring to me and they wonder why I understand so deeply the fear, the need to be approved of, to not rock the apple cart in their relationships, the lessons that have seeped their way out and rebirthed themselves into sabotaging patterns with my friends and children. Those are the nasty boogers that just tear my heart out and demand that I find all the courage that I can muster up to overcome and get out of the comfort of what  my psyche believes is true, and because of this illusion my body has been trained to believe it as well so looks for the feelings that it associates with this “truth” in the day to day relating of life and then reacts from there creating a vicious cycle.

 

But it’s not. 

 

You see, I write this musing today because of a conversation a while back with my partner. I shared the anxiety that I feel so often in our relationship. It’s funny, he does nothing to cause it, but if we have any amount of confrontation, difference of opinion or if I simply perceive that he is pulling away for any reason my inner four-year-old little girl takes off running in fear for her very life. 

Except I can’t blame my mom for upsetting the apple cart, I am the woman in the event rattling the cages and I stand before this man who I believes loves my every cell, has given so much of his life in our short time together to me and has done nothing but prove he will stand in the fire with me. There is no convincing my four-year-old though that she is safe. She has a track record from youth to other relationships to prove that she is not safe.  No matter how drastically different he is or our relationship in comparison to the past …

 

She points to all the childhood moments when her father showed no love or concern but only rage and torment. 

She points to the lies of her high school love and the abandonment she experienced. 

She points to her saga of marriage where every day was about fighting, was about survival, emotional betrayals and sexual expectation’s. Being told she was crazy, being told that she was the problem and then damned for walking away from the marriage. 

She points to the emotional warfare of her narcissistic, stonewalling sexually abusive relationship that followed that ended by her being physically broken and in the hospital. 

She points to the crazy she did not see in her relationships; the way men have always only wanted to control her and called that love. 

 

That four-year old has seen more than any child should ever have too. 

And today she finds herself recognizing her truth. 

She sees the lessons and she knows that they set a tone for a relationship with a man.

They set up an illusion as to what she should expect, should give, and should want in an intimate relationship. Creating weak boundaries. Poor self-worth. And a high level of responsibility for anything that appears to be wrong. A quick retreat. An even quicker need to run, to hide the delicate self.

 

Now, the grown ass woman, she knows this is all BS!!!!

She knows at her core that love does not demand that you see eye to eye or that one caves to the other and gives of themselves that, that deflates the very essence of who one is. The woman knows that love means that you accept the human error of your partner. That you cherish them even when they upset the apple cart. Your cart.

 

She is wise. 

Not blaming her daddy, her mother or anyone she has ever been in relationship with and at the same time not owning it all for herself. Because she can allow herself to feel her pain, her fear, and let her tears fall to the ground where they will grow something beautiful. She can see that we are all victims of victims, wounded children acting from places that we do not recognize and causing us to fear this world. We are all scared. 

 

Scared to lose. 

Fearful of not being enough. 

Or good enough for the one that we love. 

And many of us do not understand that love means letting go, 

While we cling to it with all the hope and enthusiasm as a child on Christmas morning. 

No, we forget that love is fire that can be easily put out through control. 

And that in our desire to control it to keep us and the one we love safe that in turn we make our beloved a slave.

We do not mean to cause harm.

We do not intend on creating trauma. 

Yet we do. 

 

But it always takes two to make lasting damage. 

It takes two who are willing to dance in this sea of the ego. 

 

I have had a life of emotional, physical, sexual abuse. 

I could easily write this with the concept that life is not fair. 

That I am a victim. 

Or stay in the comfort of believing that how I perceive things is accurate for my relationships and that I am not worthy, not enough, too much to handle, too emotional, to ‘broken’ and not loveable. That would have a strange sense of security to it because these are belief structures that I grew up with, that I was shown and taught in significant ways. 

However, that path will never be one that offers me the depth and truth that my soul craves. 

It will only lead me into a deeper concept that love is something that you must sacrifice yourself for and that I am only allowed it “If I do what is required in the way that is demanded.”

It will never offer authentic emotionally mature relating, mature love. 

And I would never achieve healing or happiness. 

I would remain shackled to these false truths and beliefs. 

My reality would not ever be altered. 

And I would simply find no more reason to babble on here. 

Why bother?

 

I share this tale like any of my tales with you because I want to provide you hope.

Hope and lessons, concepts at very least to help you see that you can achieve the life that you want for. You are worthy of it because you have a beating heart and air in your lungs, that is all that is required for your worthiness to have a good life. I want you to know that if a little girl from a nowhere spot in Northern California who grew up with not a whole lot can see that she is worthy and loveable just the way that she is, so can you. 

I want you to be able to take my words and ask yourself, “Why am I accepting these lies as my truths? Why am I accepting so little for my life, for my relationship, my wellbeing? Why am I believing the triggering fear that stems from my body’s reactions to an illusion that it embraces as reality?“ And I want for you to get mad!!! I want you to be frustrated and tired of just letting life go by with some silly concept that you are going to survive it and that your days here mean nothing. 

 

I want you to breathe in the fear of your inner child, 

Comfort that sweet baby, 

And grow the f-ck up. 

Stop letting that kid rule your world with his/her perceptions. 

Look your loved one in the eye and find a drop of faith that they actually love you.

And look yourself in the eye and find a drop of faith that God has a plan for you and that you might just like what is in store. 

 

No matter what your story is, take it from this wounded soul…

You can change that story. 

It’s going to take you wanting to so badly though, that you are willing to sacrifice the comfort of living in what you have been accepting all these years.

But you are worth that sacrifice and life is meant to be a beautiful, fulfilling thing. 

Not just something to exist in. 

 

Loving you from here always. 

Stop Existing & Start Living

-KW

The body holds memory in its cells. Your organs, joints and muscles all contain emotional memory. Doing the mental/psychological work is vitally important however it does not release you from the bondage of your trauma. This can only be fully accomplished through physical release and restoration.  Louise Hay studied this at great length and taught on the emotional connection to disease, ancient Chinese medicine studied the connection of the mind/body/emotional houses as well. Today science is proving that we are woven together and that by attempting to compartmentalize our very being into sections that we do not achieve the healing and transformation that we desire for any length of time because of this separation.

If you are tired of not having the lasting results in your self-growth and healing that you so badly want for and wonder why, look no further.  Reach out to me today for your exploratory consult for structural quantum integration work where you will once and for all release the past traumas, restore vitality and health and have a fresh clarity on who you are and what your future can be.

Email me today.

 

Why Women Give Themselves Up In Relationship.

“ Why did you come home a different path than what you normally do?” Stew asked Rachel before she could even get her car door closed. 

 

“ You are over 15 minutes late and how many times have I told you that I don’t like that? Hmmm…You are so stupid. I can’t trust you with anything. I hope you had fun on your little adventure on the way home.”

 

Rachel could feel her heart racing. 

The tension in her chest, the nausea rising. 

Your stomach was upside down and in knots. 

She felt worthless, stupid, and as if she always messing everything up. 

It could have been a nice evening at home. 

They could have just enjoyed dinner, a glass of wine and chilled watching their favorite show, but no, she messed it up yet again. Stew always made her aware of her screw ups and how disappointed he was in her. He was good at making sure that she held the blame for the “bullsh*t” as he called it, and made sure that she was aware of how little trust he had in her and that she was nothing but a stupid child who needed constant reprimand. 

 

“F-ck You!” Robert yelled at Sally as he slammed the door shut. 

“You are my wife. You should not disrespect me like that.”

 

Sally breathed deeply, trying to keep her composure as she finished getting ready for bed. 

She knew that if she took too long that things would get worse for her. She also knew that if she raced out after him that he would only yell something else and potentially get physical. So she breathed, let a few tears fall, looked herself in the mirror and told herself, ‘Everything is going to be okay, we are going to make it through this.” Then walked calmly as she could with her knees trembling out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where Robert had planted himself on the far edge of the bed, eye’s closed and obviously disgusted and ready to attack. Sally sat down on the bed next to him and said, “Honey, let’s talk about this. I just wanted to know what you wanted with the video, it made me feel uncomfortable.” Robert sprung up off the bed in a rage, yelling…

 

“You are my f-cking wife, you don’t need to know what I want with anything. I can do whatever I want with pictures and videos of you.”

 

Sally sat still as can be, looking down at the bed. 

She knew that she could not say anything else. 

Or be accused of not loving him, not caring, disrespecting and so much more. 

 

Tyson leaned in grabbed Steph’s long hair and pulled her back so that he could whisper in her ear. They were in the thrawls of sex and it was getting really heated. He pulled her head back, wrapped his hand around her hips and said, “You are so f-cking hot. You are so wet. I want to see another woman going down on you. I want to see her enjoying you.” Steph felt a moment of panic in her body, tightness crossed over her breasts. Her heart began to ach. She did not want to wreck his fantasy but she was the furthest thing from aroused at this idea. Tyson loved to “talk dirty” and he loved to paint images of wild and risky events in her ears during sex. Steph hated it all. She just wanted to be with him. Every time Tyson spoke of other men, women, threesomes and moresomes, gang bangs, and risky locations she found herself in a state of fear. She could no longer feel pleasure or be present there in the moment with him. And she did not want to burden her husband with her silliness as he called it when she tried to share that she was not into these things. He always would  paint the tale and then tell her that he could tell how turned on she was from it, that she wanted it. If she said anything different then he would get angry, stonewall her for days and only tell her that she was so closed down and disconnected from herself that she could not even tell when she was aroused. But he knew. 

 

These are all true stories!

These are my clients of the past. ( names changed to keep privacy)

Women who shared with me the deep pain that they went through consistently in their relationships. The stress that these things put them under and now here they sat before me wanting to unravel the mess that had been taught to them, that they had somehow started to believe was true. 

 

Now one might wonder how can anyone believe something of any of these natures if it just is not so. It is obvious to the outside reader of these tales that these are women who are being abused emotionally, physically and mentally. You might say they should just wake up and get a divorce, save themselves. Not always that easy and everyone has their own reasons as to why that is not always on the table. Most of the time the woman in this instance believes that she is responsible for how her partner is treating her and that she even has it coming. 

 

Ingrained in her psyche from the earliest of years, the majority of women are taught to look pretty, be kind, always put others first, keep the peace and do what is needed or expected of them. 

 

These teachings support the nature of the feminine fully to be peace keepers and nurturers. However they do not support a healthy relationship container, nor a healthy individual. 

 

Women suffer from depression, anxiety and other stress related disorders more than men do across the board. 

 

Upto five times more women suffer from such ailments as TMJ, hormone dysfunctions, migraine and an array of autoimmune disorders than men. Over fifty percent of women surveyed in multiple studies said that they suffered from “high stress levels” and that their stress has increased immensely over the last few years where only one in four men said the same. 

 

70% of women claim they don’t orgasm during sex. 

A striking 60% plus claim that their male partner has forced sex on them even after they said that they did not want it. 

It is an understatement to say that that only 60% of women have been sexually violated at some point in their lives, and almost that many have also experienced physical and/or emotional and mental abuse as well from a male close to them. 

 

These acceptances in relationship start in a woman’s youth. 

The expectations that she is taught from age three forward. 

Her relationship with her father, brothers, uncles and other men. 

How she is looked upon, the remarks made, and then the constant awareness that she is responsible for the actions, words and even thoughts of the men that come into her life. 

 

She is trained to care at all cost for the man in her life. 

To sacrifice her own needs and boundaries even. to make sure that he is happy and satisfied and she is taught that if she does not do this that it is to be expected to be “punished.”

 

In today’s world of feminist rights and movements, you would think that these ideas would have been put to rest a decade or so ago at very least, and they are starting to loosen around the feminine but now are turning toward the masculine where we women are attempting to make right the wrongs by inflicting our pain and revenge on men. However, all we are truly doing is creating more pain for both sexes. We are traumatizing all sides and we are putting all the more stress and anxiety on we women as we believe strong heartedly that all men are toxic. We now undervalue the beauty and strength of the masculine leadership, logical minds, ability to nurture in their own way and stand true at their core. These characteristics however are only instilled in the masculine if they are raised to believe in themselves and to value and trust the feminine. Our men of today and of the last few decades have been raised by a scorned feminine. They have witnessed the pain of both sexes and they do not know where they stand or what it means to be a man in our world. 

 

There is truly no safe haven for man or woman in todays world. 

And we have all been raised by victims. 

 

So where does this musing of today take us?

What is the take away that I want for you to gain from this message here?

 

First, I want to share that my above client stories all came to me because the men wanted change for their relationship and woman. Although, none understood what they were truly asking nor what they would get, they were the leaders of the change. They were the ones who said, “Something has to happen here. She needs to find her power, her self-love and worth.”

The women, most of them would have chosen to remain in the same shoes, to not cause a stir in their relationship. They would have sacrificed the rest of their years on this planet not initiating, not speaking their truth, staying the peacekeepers that they were and having limited confrontation. Because that is how a woman thinks and believes. 

She does not want to fight. 

She wants everyone to just get along. 

 

And she will deal with herself, 

Her emotions and fears, 

Her negative thoughts and her broken heart most likely in the parking lot of the grocery store. Alone. Parked and crying until she feels spent and able to move again. 

 

Next, relationship…. All relationship is about power. 

There is delicate harmony to the dance of power, and intimate relationship all the more delicate because it deals with the heart. It deals with our hopes and dreams. It is the one space that many will do what they would never do anywhere else. They will speak the cruelest of words to one they hold so dear because they know that they can get away with it. They will say yes when they are hard no because they do not want to be a disappointment or let the other down. They will accept so much less from their partner and take more on for themselves. And they will do all of this good and bad alike because of their positioning in the relationship and how they have been taught. You see, its all a cookie cutter thought process. Its about what we will accept for ourselves, how we value ourselves and what we have been taught to believe and look for in the opposite sex. 

 

Unfortunately, none of this is healthy. 

None of this has anything to do with love of our mate. 

It only reveals how we view ourselves and what we will accept. 

It shows our scars. 

It shows how easily we will give ourselves away in a multitude of ways and even let our health be destroys all for the attention and approval if only for one second in time from another. 

 

These men, who brought their wives in to “get fixed” all said the same thing in their consult. 

“ I love her. I want her to see how powerful beautiful and radiant she is. I want her to speak her truth even if it hurts. I want her to know that I support her.”

 

However, as the women learned to speak their truth which is where they found their power and self-love and worth, the men found themselves being told the truth more and this caused more pain, more confrontation, fights, anger, rage and sometimes trauma. Some of these couples are no longer together. The men discovered that as amazing and hot as it sounds to be with an empowered woman who will tell you the truth that they could not bare to be with her any longer, they wanted something less testing in their relationship. They did not want to hear her pain, her disagreement, her thoughts. And the women discovered that they needed a man that was willing to truly listen to her as well as himself. They discovered that they required and deserved a man who was willing to work on himself as well and valued her for all her feminine tendencies instead of looking at these natural characteristics as betrayals or disrespect. 

 

And the couple who made it through this edgy space of healing?

Well they discovered who each of them were. 

They learned how to communicate without violence. 

They learned how to stop blaming and jumping to conclusions. 

They learned how to remain present in the issue and moment with each other. 

And above all else, they learned to let go of the need to be right. 

To be seen or understood, even by their partner. 

And that they were never going to fully heal their wounds of the past or overcome the triggers associated with them, but that they could inquire into the self as, “how does this support our relationship right now and what can I do to better hear my partner?”

 

If you take nothing but this last line away with you today, then that my dear reader is enough. 

 

Know that you are worthy. 

You are whole and enough.

And it is always okay to make mistakes, 

You will not get it right all the time. You will not always stand strong in your word even. 

Some days you will fall great distances. 

Because you are human. 

And so is your partner. 

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

 

  • Kendal Rene’

 

WHY WOMEN APPEAR WISHY-WASHY, TOO FLUID AND PASSIVE.

😅🤣🤨AND HE ASKED…ARE YOU UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING? —MY RESPONSE, “ALWAYS.” 👊🤣🤨

 

Perhaps one of the most honest answers a woman has ever given  a man and that’s what we are talking about today…women’s honesty or lack thereof and how it relates to sexual fulfillment.

 

Alright men, today I am going to be your “wing chick…”

And let you in on the female brain and emotions a tad.

You might want to sit down and pour yourself a drink because you will most likely find yourself scratching your head in bewilderment by the time you get done reading this.

 

I just want to start out by saying that the majority of the time we women don’t fully understand why we are feeling or thinking the way that we are feeling or thinking.

 

So guys, don’t think that you will ever understand the feminine.

Cuz’ you won’t.

 

But you can try and gain some insight to what you may perceive as wishy-washy, as too fluid, or passive even. 👈

 

🌹First, realize that what attracts you to your woman is her feminine flow. The fact that she is different from you.

 

🌹You love her smile and laugh. She won’t be smiling and laughing very much if she turns toward her masculine energy and gets up in her head. Over thinking and analyzing, problem solving and leading do not make a woman warm, sexy, or vibrant. They dim her light and laughter. This does not mean that she should not or cannot be a great problem solver or leader, it just means that if she takes up residence there for very long she will lose the luster and find herself turned off to life in general.

 

🌹You adore those moments in bed with her where she surrenders fully to you, where she is the seductress of your dreams and you feel like a king. This sort of surrender is only authentically achieved if she can feel herself fully. If she is having to explain what she is feeling or needing, or feels like she needs to perform for you then she will not embody herself and instead just be “putting on a show.” Which I am guessing you may enjoy but once realized that it is just that, a show, you may not want it. You want the real deal, right? This requires that she be aroused long before the penetration ever happens.

 

👉Foreplay for the next round starts 5 minutes before the current sexual event ends. 🤯

 

What does that mean you may ask?

It means that it should never end.

It means that if you want your woman to be raring to go whenever you are ready, that you gotta realize that men and women DO NOT operate the same sexually. 👈🤨💥

 

What type of an orgasm a woman has, has a lot to do with how long she will be aroused, feeling sexual and be open to more sex and intimacy.

 

The issue is that the majority of women fib to their guys about the sex and the orgasm.

 

That’s right men, more than likely she has been lying to you.🤯

 

I know, it’s not what any guy wants to hear…

and that’s why women don’t tell you the truth.

They feel they are being kind to you by not saying, yeah I did not have an orgasm. Or “you did not even help me to get ready for sex.”

 

Women have a tough time asking for what they need.

They may say, ” I want to have sex.”

But when it comes down to actually asking for what they need, thats a different tale all together and that is because they themselves have no idea what they need most of the time because they are so disconnected from their sex, their hearts and their bodies in general.

 

Women and men alike think that a woman’s best orgasm comes from the clitorus. Or a whole bunch of thrusting hard and fast.

But this is just f-cking.

It’s empty.

And it does not fulfill her or you.

It may get you off, and it might get her a quick release too,

but it is not going to fulfill her or make her feel connected to you.

 

👉In order for her to surrender and have a deep orgasm, she needs to feel you. 👈

 

And it’s more than your manhood I am speaking of here. 😳

 

She needs your heart. <3

 

She needs you to lead her with your confidence,

your passion and desire.

She needs you to kiss her, to touch her.

 

For two decades I have been telling men that if they could just see a woman’s body as one big sexual organ and make love to the entirety of her that they would get so much further with turning their woman on.

 

👉Men back away from kissing.

👉Men love a woman’s body but do not sensually touch it.

👉Men love a womans breasts and hips but forget about them during foreplay and sex.

👉Men are fascinated with female orgasm and pleasure but don’t want to playfully explore to make it happen. EVERY TIME!

👉Men feel threatened by toys and requests.

👉Men don’t put enough emphasis on playing, laughing, courting, snuggling of which all lead her into feeling you more and surrendering to you deeper, as well as being able to tune into her own body more.

 

Foreplay is not just about sexy, sensual touching BTW.

Foreplay is about caring and courting.

Foreplay is about talking and listening.

Foreplay is about letting her feel your emotions.

Foreplay is about adventure and always realizing that no matter how long you have been together, there is a new person before you each day that you need to discover.

 

Now maybe all of this is not news to you.

And that is great if that is the case.

 

👉But how does it relate to a woman being wishy-washy, too fluid or passive even?

 

No matter if your woman is deep in her feminine or locked up in her masculine, she is still a woman. And she has been programmed since birth as well as bears with her generational traumas and mindsets that tell her that she needs to take care of you.

 

That your ideas, needs, etc are priority.

She may internally feel different and say, “No damn it, I matter too.” But 98% of the time she will end up weighing out what she thinks you want vs how she feels or what she wants/needs and she will the majority of the time come back in your favor.

 

This will show up from the quantity and type of sex you are having to what is for dinner and how she sets up the home.

 

If you are among the many men out there who tire at asking your woman what she wants or needs only to get a deer in the headlight look back from her, realize that she is processing in that moment what she believes is the “right” answer to give to have the maximum amount of peace, connection and happiness over all.

 

👉These are the key things women want for.

Peace, Connection and Happiness. 👈

 

They translate down to security in all areas.

Women in general avoid confrontation and anything that we feel may cause it.

 

We are not warriors unless we need to be.

Women are nurturers by nature.

We are caregivers.

Peacekeepers.

Soothers.

 

So when you ask us our opinion about something…

We instantly go into, what’s the best answer for peace, connection and happiness? For my security in life and relationship?

 

You get the deer in the headlight look and we say whatever we feel is right. However, this answer may be completely opposite from what we actually need or desire. Thus, causing us to appear wishy-washy, too emotional, passive, etc.

 

A woman does not change her mind nearly as much as it is perceived that we do. 🤯

 

We just speak what we feel is right and then speak our truth sometime down the road.

 

Now here is how orgasm, foreplay and male connection plays a role in her truth telling or trying to get the right answer that is ingrained in us women to give.

 

The sex and orgasm that comes from the quick fix, the f-cking without heart and soul or connection, all of that just keeps her in a state of “performing” or of giving you the answer that she believes you need and want. It does not fulfill her, heal her, align her in any fashion. It’s fast food sexing and it keeps her operating from a place of emptiness and fear.

 

It pulls her deeper into a space of needing to make the “right” answers to keep peace, connection and happiness instead of opening up and surrendering to you and her.

AUTHENTICALLY.

 

You want your woman’s truth on all subject matters…

(most likely not going to happen…lol)

But you want to know that she can and will tell you her needs, desires and even initiate because she wants to initiate…

Or she will share what she wants to watch or eat?

Or where she would like to visit for vacation?

Or the fact that she is unhappy about something?

 

👉You want her to feel safe and secure with you?👈

 

Which equates to healing her trust issues that she has accumulated over her lifetime and learned from what society and history teaches?

 

Well, then SLOW THE F-CK DOWN with her. 😳🤯🤨

 

👊Stop f-cking her. 👊

 

🤯Stop distancing yourself from your own heart and body to prevent yourself from not having the stamina you feel is required to get her there and instead, make love to her every moment you are with her and even when you are not.

 

😘Try talking with her.

Asking her how her day was when you come together.

 

😘Kiss her in the morning as though you want to eat her up and kiss her in the evening with reverence.

 

👉Hold her close.

👉Look into her eyes.

👉Make her laugh.

👉Set aside time daily to just be with her.

 

👊👊👊And when you are wanting a little nookie, don’t expect that she can go from zero to 120 in the time frame that you can.

BECAUSE SHE CAN’T!!!!😳

 

You are damaging her body when you expect this.

You are shutting down her heart when you expect that.

You are disconnecting her from you and herself when you expect that.

 

She needs physical foreplay for her body to ignite.

To feel and get aroused.

For her to get  out of her head and into her sex.

And IF you can accomplish all of this (I know just a small tab to complete, but I have faith in you sir…) THEN….

She will provide you both with a most beautiful performance.

It will be authentic, deep, loving, sensual, passionate and fully surrendered to your intimacy and connection.

 

She will carry you to the thresholds of heaven.

She will have you basking in the joy and expansiveness of your unity and sex.

 

From this space of rapture and fulfillment she will speak with more confidence and trust in you and herself.

Your radiant authentic soul will dance with you.

 

Until you forget all that was learned and shared here and take it for granted to wonder once again, why is she so wishy-washy, so emotional and lost, so passive….why?

 

And you will learn one day that feminine needs you to penetrate her fully, heart, body and soul for her to be centered.

 

And to have faith that her words, her needs and desires can be heard without fear.

 

She needs you.

She needs your leadership and strength.

Your guidance and passion.

Your love and presence.

 

Without it she is lost.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

🥰🥰🥰I have designed a fantastic program that is designed to move you through all the complexities of relationships and expand love, communication, trust and desire. Its called INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS – 8 weeks to Restoring and Vitalizing Love & Desire

This is an 8 week couples coaching series, private coaching with myself for the couple where we will cover commitment, trust, desire, communication, money and sex, values and goals, the entity of “us” and more. Available globally. Private – discounted for a limited time only. Message me for deet’s about this series NOW! Don’t wait. Restore your love and sex in 2021.🥰🥰🥰

INTIMACY, CRAZY EMOTIONAL WOMEN & THE IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIPS.

🙏Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself.🙏

 

This is a powerful quote to ponder from Osho.

 

” I stood in the bathroom, scrubbing the bathroom sink, trying to change my outlook. Attempting to calm my ravenous emotions that seemed to be hungry wolves out to kill and destroy what I valued most. Heart racing, gut churning. All I could envision was the worst case scenario and I knew that once again I would be standing alone in life. Certain that the emotionally turbulent seas that I found myself in, my boat crashing upon the shores of my fear, my trauma, my knowing that I was going to mess up yet again and push away love was without a doubt right before me.

 

I had let him in too close.

That was the issue.

I had fallen hopelessly in love with this man and now I had something to lose. Making me lost is an internal sea of fear and lack of worthiness.

 

The more unworthy I felt, the more lost, the more pathetic and all the more certain that THIS was the moment that he would say goodbye.

 

I was being an emotionally unpredictable woman.

I was crying out from my hormonal pit of despair.

Haunted by all the ghosts in my closet and terrified that I could not express my heart.

That he would not  see me, feel me, know me.

Only wanting for these things.

Wanting for HIM to be like no other man before, and fight for me.

Even though the fight at this moment was with me.”

 

Women are emotional creatures to say the least.

Women’s hormonal balance is oh so delicate.

I used to think that it was a bunch of bull bunk that women used to get away with shiz, and it certainly can be. However, so much causes hormonal turbulence and I can bear witness and experience to you that when we women tank on all the “good vibe” hormones we crash into  our own darkest seas and fear our very existence.

But that is another tale for another day.

 

Letting a man into this emotional space,

This space where we often run and hide from our own inner demons and devils is vulnerable AF!

We women grow up learning that men cannot handle this space and that they DO NOT desire a woman who is emotionally up and down.

 

For the most part on a man’s list of qualities desired in a woman you will find in the top five that men want “drama free” or “low drama,” for a woman to be “emotionally sound” and sure AF not “crazy.” Because every man has been with crazy at some point and this is scary to them with good reason.

 

The one minor, not so minor issue is that ALL women have their crazy moments, their hormone raging moments, their deep dark depressions, fear and emotionally unsound feelings.

For the most part if all is well with the woman, you will find that the typical cause of these events is STRESS. You can say she should learn to manage that. Or get some hormone replacement. Get laid…and so many other things. Positive thinking and planning does not always help the stress situation. Sometimes a woman cannot see past the dark clouds of her own inner storms. Trying to be rational causes even more stress  in these moments. Trying to be positive causes anxiety.

 

The issue of stress on a woman’s body, mind, hormones, emotions and thus relationship with self and then life and partner is unbelievable.

 

And the feeling of loss is detrimental.

Only creating a greater whirlwind.

 

David Deida speaks about how a woman will test her man to make certain that he is stable at his core and can support her.

He also makes mention often of “standing in her fire.”

This is what he is speaking about.

You see we women in these moments are only witnesses, or mere onlookers ourselves when the fire comes down and we start to rage. It is like we see it happening, part of us is screaming, “No… no… just stop! Shut up! What are you doing/saying? We don’t mean that. Or want to hurt you and us like this.” However, that part of us, that internal witness has been muzzled in these times and we find ourselves hijacked by our pain bodies, our trauma, our fear of loss of not being good enough or being too much. And self-destruction wins. The fire burns and if a man is willing, if he truly loves his woman, and IF he is strong in himself then and only then can he stand in her fire, this fire.

 

🔥AND IT IS A FIRE OF INTIMACY.🔥

It is a fire of her allowing him into her inner realms of fear, of pain, and trauma. Where she wants nothing more than him to grab her, hold her close and say, “I got you. We are going to make it through your pain and fear. I am strong. I am here.”

 

This vulnerably deep space of the feminine that no woman today wants to express out of concern for being called another crazy woman. Of being dropped like a hot potato. Of not being strong enough to just not have these feminine storms.

 

I means sh*t its 2021, we should have evolved past this emotional nature and hormonal imbalances. We should have our sh*t in order, be able to take something to calm our nerves and make us more manageable for ourselves, our relationship and for life.

 

Many women do just this.

Mask the emotion.

Pharmaceutical drugs.

Maryjane.

Alcohol.

Sleep agents.

Work. work. work.

Masterbation and porn.

And many other sidetrackers.

Typically combinations of these above.

 

Of which none actually deal with the cause or are helpful or healthy long term. They just end up creating a numbness to life and a total avoidance to self.

 

It is us women putting down the fight and in turn fleeing.

Fleeing from ourselves.

From our truth. From our pain and our fear.

And ultimately from our relationship, our love, our man.

 

Have you ever wondered why so many men often say she used to be so alive, excited, vibrant. She used to desire me. She used to smile and laugh. Life has just taken it out of her I guess…

 

Yes life took it out and she exhausted herself trying to hold herself together.

She made a choice between everything else in her life including her relationship and family and herself.

 

As many smart women do and always have done.

They step away from what brings perceived trouble and they put their focus on what will bring harmony and peace. Even if it costs them their “aliveness.”

 

And somewhere in this loss of vitality and truth, they convince themselves that they are happy and they are just doing what is needed.

 

I am going to say something different however!

 

This is why there is so much divorce.

This is why women cheat.

This is why women over eat or starve themselves.

This is why they seem like they don’t care or throw themselves into something that may appear meaningless.

 

👉👊BECAUSE THEY ARE HIDING FROM THEMSELVES!👈🤯

 

and they do not know how to communicate what they need from their partner, from life, or from SELF.

 

They have literally been trained to believe that it is not safe, good or acceptable to be a woman. Yet to be a woman, a sexy, smart, strong, confident, great mom, with a great job, and a great homemaker to boot, is expected, and DO NOT forget emotionally stable ALL THE TIME.

 

👊👊👊Women no longer know their place in this world or in relationships. 👊👊👊

 

I personally thank the feminist movement for this back in the 60’s and 70’s. One great step forward for women’s rights, with a ripple impact that may cause us to be among some of the most lost, sad, exhausted and FAKE AF! women ever known to the history of humankind.

 

Women are not the only one’s paying the price here either.

 

Our men, our children and ultimately our world pays with us.

 

👩Women are the “home”makers.

👩Women are the nurturers.

👩Women are the foundation, the center point to family.

👩And they are the cheerleaders of men.

👩They are the cheerleaders of youth.

👩They are the teachers of respect, compassion, empathy, and unconditional love.

 

Today however…

They still try to manage all of this.

They attempt to be all this.

But with it they also carry the load of the masculine.

They weaken themselves by not allowing support out of fear that if they need support they will not be desired.

That the fact that they are human,

that they are a woman,

that “yeah, they may not have it all put together,”

makes them disposable.

 

And that is the FEAR.

 

WOMEN FEAR BEING DISPOSABLE.🤯

 

And they accept it.

They even embrace it.

That is why they lean heavy into feminist statements and beliefs.

That is why they condemn men.

And take the lead so much.

Because they figure that they will be replaced anyway, so why should they let a man into their heart and trust him.

Share this inner realm with him, open their soul to him.

???????

 

👉Every woman today has been walked out on in some way. 👈

 

Every woman has been raped physically, emotionally, menatlly.

Every woman knows that she cannot depend on this world, on men, and often not on family and friends.

 

We are a broken sex.

A wounded multi-generation.

We have lost our power by attempting to gain it.

 

So what is the answer?🤨

 

IT’S ALWAYS AN INSIDE JOB.

 

👊It always comes back to learning to love yourself, being willing to explore your shadow lands and move past, let go of the trauma and put your attention on the present.

 

👊It’s always about doing the cognitive behaviour work to make the impacting changes required to be able to connect, relate and develop positive relationships.

 

👊Learning how you store trauma and negative emotion and programs in your cellular tissue and what you can do to fully purge yourself from them.

 

👊Wanting as well as being willing to transform yourself and build trust in yourself so that you can trust your man, your relationship once again.

 

👊Seeing your own hold backs and how you self-sabotage is vital to healing any relationship and building trust, love and a willingness to open your heart and soul as well as establish healthy emotional responses.

 

👊Learning how to ask for what you want and need from a partner.

 

👉👉😔WOMEN SAY THEY WANT A MAN, A LIFE PARTNER, BUT THEY ARE TYPICALLY UNWILLING TO WAIVER ON LETTING GO OF THEIR WOUNDS TO HAVE ONE.👈👈🤯

 

My partner asked me in the moment of my emotional breakdown shared above, “Are you going to let your trauma and wounds be a self fulfilling prophecy?”

 

My hurt little girl responded with a scorned, “Possibly, what choice do I have? It already is happening. You are going to leave me, I know you will.”

 

He just stood there.

Unwavering.

Looking at me.

 

I wanted him to grab me.

I wanted him to pull me in close and squeeze all this fear out of me.

I wanted him to build a fortress around me and protect me from ME.

 

He could not give this to me.

 

He could hold me, listen, say he loves me and that he does not want any of that. But he could not save me from my own inner demons and devils.

 

THAT was my battle.

I had to save us, not just me.

But first I had to speak my fear.

I had to share my worries.

I had to see my crazy, emotional rollercoaster for what it was.

NOT TRUE.

 

I share this today with you because I have heard a lot lately about the crazy emotional state of the feminine.

 

I know that we women are hard to understand.

I know that we trigger our men into fear and distrust based on our emotional responses.

 

And that in itself is not healthy, right or emotionally mature.

So I share to awaken the women out there who want to heal, want to have happy healthy relationships and trust in love again.

 

I share for the men out there that look at women and say, ” I love her, I want to be with her, BUT…”

Who find themselves triggered by her emotions, her fear, her doubt, her self-sabotage.

 

Gentlemen, stand strong in who you are.

Do not be intimidated.

Do not fear asking her to come back to herself, like my man did for me. Know that she may not respond the way you want in the moment, but that it will sink in. She did hear you.

DO NOT RUN from her at this moment. That will only create more abandonment and fear, it will convince her that she is right and that you will not fight for her.

 

🤺A woman wants and needs her man to fight for her. 🤺

 

She needs him to help her slay her inner demons and devils.

And he does this through his heart.

She does not need him to fix it or her.

She just needs him to create a container for her to pour her fears into and to see that he is capable of not drowning from them.

She needs his leadership in these times, which comes from his ability to be logical in the unlogic. To be sound, solid yet compassionate in her fire.

 

🤺She needs him to conquer her.🤺

 

That same fear energy, that crazy, the uproar, it is stuck creative sexual energy.  It has been lodged due to stress, fear of speaking truth, programs, beliefs and all the little things that seem like nothing but are so much that she will never fess up to being caught up in.

 

And she NEEDS YOU to help her move it.

She yells cruelties because she wants you to kiss her.

She throws plates and shoes because she wants to be made love to.

She weeps before you because she wants you to hold her heart and see her.

 

She needs your physical strength and support.

She needs your emotional stability with compassion and patience.

 

She does not need you to war against her.

But to have her back in her darkest valleys of self.

 

That’s all…lol

 

Big order to fill.

I get it.

And many men cannot do this because they themselves have not or are not willing to build their own inner realms of strength in who they are.

 

As a society we have broken down men.

We have made them evil for being men.

We have scared them away from leadership and told them “not to control” and we have taught them that leading a family, woman, life path is not good.

We  have weakened our men into boys and we have drugged our women into hiding their feminine.

 

And so I ask you reader,

Male or female,

Are you willing and wanting to meet yourself?

To strengthen who you are?

To know what you need and desire in a partner, in a relationship and are you willing to stand in the depths of healing?

 

Because you see, intimate relationships, committed partnerships do one thing for sure…

 

IT FORCES US TO MEET OURSELVES AND TO HEAL.

as well as to support our mate.

 

My whole coaching system is dedicated and centered around these core things. Learning how to navigate and communicate what you want in a relationship by learning your soul-values.

 

 

As always, if you want to learn if coaching is something of potential assistance and value to you calling in your soulmate relationship or reigniting your couplehood then reach out to me today for a FREE Clarity Call! Where we will start the process of discovery, activation and healing to unite you to SOUL!

 

 

Loving you from here.

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

 

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

CASUAL SEX CEATES EMOTIONAL INTIMACY BLOCKAGES & TRUAMA RESPONSE

 

👊👊🤯CASUAL SEX CREATES EMOTIONAL INTIMACY BLOCKAGES AND TRAUMA RESPONSE👈👈👊

It’s why so many people can’t find real love today.

It’s why so many are commitment phobes.

It’s why so many women are under the belief that they need a man with a bigger…

It’s why so many men are scared of women going ‘crazy’ or getting ‘needy’ with them.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨We live in a hookup culture and with that culture we have lost our heart and ability to be truly intimate.

The hook up scene is no longer just for college students,

or players.

👉Anyone can be a player in today’s world.👈

Matter a fact, casual sex, dating and relating is ever growing in the over 40 bracket and the reason is that no one wants to take the time to connect any more.

Many people today of all ages, get into relationship saying they are looking for love, for commitment, for a partner, but what they are actually wanting is easy sustainable sex.  A large majority of twenty and even thirty somethings are not planning on having families. They don’t want children. The vast majority of people from their mid thirties and older have already had children or are no longer in baby making years or are retired. These life situations and desires have created a new ground around relationship containers in general and the majority of people are not interested in long-term commitment any longer.

Recent studies have shown that not only pregnancy rates are down, but the number of people getting married has declined tremendously as well.

You can say that this comes with the belief that you don’t have to be married to be committed or show your love for someone.

 

👉And you are correct.👈

 

Marriage does not make you more committed or more in love.

Although, the commitment factor that we are aiming for with marriage DOES often create a feeling of safety, closeness, protection, stability and allows one or both parties to surrender deeper than not having it. It is an external showing of INTENTION and the solid commitment to that intention on all levels of the partnership.

 

50+ years ago, if a couple wanted to have sex they would get married.

Matter a fact, marriage was the predominant vehicle to having sex.

Today however, in order to get laid, you barely if at all need to make a commitment.

Matter a fact, many people don’t even ask many questions.

You might even not exchange names in some cases.

 

👊👊👊Smash it and Go!🤯

 

It’s this view on sex that is causing so much trauma emotionally and even physically to individuals and those who are attempting couplehood.

 

Many people are in casual relationships BELIEVING it is a serious relationship. ( how is that possible you may wonder. Right? Hopefully this musing helps answer that. Keep reading.)

 

We live in an era of time where individuals have every right to do whatever they want in relationship and with sex.

 

👉We have a label for EVERYTHING.

👉We have new pronouns.

👉We can be whatever race, gender or sexual preference that we want in the moment.

👉We can design our relationship/commitment style however we want.

 

There are no limits.

No boundaries to who we are.

Science has been put on the back burner today when we talk sex, sexual preference, gender, and many other things.

 

We are a woke society that is all inclusive.

And we can SMASH it and GO!!! with no issue.

 

Now, I am not here to make any judgements on anyones preferences or lablels, or when you choose to have sex with a new partner. If you want to have sex on a first date, go to an adult book store to get laid by a total stranger or act out some fantasy or you want to wait till your wedding night, its a personal choice.

 

If you are one who waits till marriage, hopefully you are doing a lot of vetting and getting to know yourself, practicing radical transparency and communication, so that you don’t get to this moment only to find out that you are not aligned here.

 

If you are smashing it and going and thinking you will find love and commitment, but keep finding heart break and more reasons as to why you should keep just smashing and going, remaining in control of your sex and getting the quick hit of sexual gratification but always feeling empty afterward because what you truly want is depth, connection and trust/commitment, then keep reading…

 

🙏 I BELIEVE OUR BODIES ARE SACRED.🙏

 

👉We claim to believe that we know that we deserve better.

👉To be treated better.

👉Loved better.

👉To be respected.

👉To have commitment, honesty, integrity.

👉To not just be “used.”

 

Yet we ourselves do not offer this to our own bodies.

We practice short circuit relating and sexing.

We grab the fast food options of quick release instead of honoring our hearts, bodies and time.

 

You see traditional “casual” sex.

AKA – Hook up/ smash it and go sexing.

Leads us down a path of many multiple partners.

Repeating this process, again and again creates shame for many even when they say it does not. (male and female alike)

Outside of the fear of judgement and the feeling of shame or not being good enough to find someone it can also create trauma physically and emotionally.

 

🤯PHYSICAL LEVEL TRAUMA- Massive multiple partners ‘can’ cause confusion for some people to figure out who they themselves are and what they like because each partner is different and women especially tend to adapt themselves to what the partner likes/needs instead of holding to their own needs/likes and communicating that.

 

You can also become desensitized sexually with mass numbers of partners. Making your body non-sacred and instead just being used as a tool.

 

Just as vibrators desensitize our nervous system to being able to feel fully, we densatize our bodies. Our vagus nerve and limbic system go into trauma response more easily or become mute, preventing us from our full life experiences in ALL categories.

 

🤯EMOTIONAL LEVEL TRAUMA- We bond physically with our partner(s). More for women than men, but all humans DO/CAN bond through sex. https://kendalwilliams.com/we-women-bond-with-men-physically/

 

Men can “pump, pump, eww, goo” or “pump and dump” you may say and not get overly attached but women certainly can get attached at a very deep level after sex, ESPECIALLY good sex. If a woman actually has an orgasm, and if she has more than just a clitorial one, she will be more likely to become attached to her partner, because of the bonding response that we are designed with. (read musing link above)

 

This often leads to heart break stories when she believes that “giving her sex will gain commitment.” Or that she is owed something.

 

If the man is getting attached and then experiences a woman who is emotionally gaurded so remaining in charge of the sex and going for the “smashing and go!” senario, he will feel the same emotional let down and loss as a woman would.

 

👉All instances lead to EMOTIONAL SHUT DOWN BASED ON TRAUMA created by casual sexing/relating without conscious intention.

 

Which creates physical shut down and an inability to surrender to physical pleasure and connection at a deeper level.

 

👉It’s a NUMBING process. 🤯

 

Which is why it’s vitally important to have radically real conversations before you sleep with someone.

 

It’s why I am constantly preaching to know your values.

Know what you are wanting and looking for in a relationship.

Be ready and willing to share upfront THIS key component to preventing yourself more misery and heartbreak.

 

And that is:

👊👊👊What’s your standards in a relationship? How do you operate in a relationship? What are your expectations/requirements/needs in a relationship? What are you REALLY looking for RIGHT NOW. Then INQUIRE back what the other person’s responses are about these same shares.

 

Chemistry (that energetic draw) is great!

But chemistry alone, much like love, will not make a long standing relationship successful.

It will not overcome everything else that comes up in relationships.

 

You must explore deeper.

You must witness our potential mate in many situations.

It takes an average of 100+ hours together consistently to see multiple aspects of another person and for some level of guards to come down.

 

So why are we having sex within the first date or two?

Most new daters have sex somewhere between the third and tenth date. Only having spent an average of 5 to 30 hours together over weeks of time “dating.”

 

👊🔥👊A good rule of thumb outside of deeper inquiry before sex is to NEVER engage in sex with a partner if you:

 

🔥Don’t feel comfortable with the person. If you need a substance to loosen up, YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE!

🔥Aren’t aware to your attachment styles and possible attachment caused by sex and have a deeper understanding to what you are wanting from this expereince/moment.

🔥Don’t know what the other person’s real intentions are. You have not yet done the asking!!!!

🔥 Have not discussed what you are wanting in a relationship. If you are wanting monogamy you have also discussed exclusivity. Because they are NOT the same! If you are wanting an open relationship/poly you have discussed what this dynamic is and what you are wanting here.

🔥If you don’t feel safe physically, emotionally and sexually. You need to have discussed safe sex, medical history, pregnancy. You need to have spoken about potential triggers that may come up due to past trauma. As well as, have shared your boundaries and non-negotiables in these three areas for sure.

 

THE IMPORTANCE OF ASKING THESE THINGS AND PUTTING IN THIS TIME AND EFFORT ON OUR SEXUAL CONNECTION IS BECAUSE IF WE CHOOSE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE AND IT DOES NOT WORK OUT WE CAN OFTEN TIMES CRUCIFY THE OTHER PERSON FOR “USING US.”

 

We blame them for us feeling hurt.

And we carry this trauma forward into all future relating.

 

🙏You owe it to yourself to honor your sex!🙏

 

 

If you are going to do CASUAL SEX…

Make it 🙏INTENTIONAL CASUAL SEX.🙏

 

Hopefully you found some answers here today on how to do just that.

 

And know that each experience is a part of your journey to self-discovery and is an opportunity to love on yourself and offer yourself respect, honor, time and focus.

 

My whole coaching system is dedicated and centered around these core things. Learning how to navigate and communicate what you want in a relationship by learning your soul-values.

 

As always, if you want to learn if coaching is something of potential assistance and value to you calling in your soulmate relationship or reigniting your couplehood then reach out to me today for a FREE Clarity Call! Where we will start the process of discovery, activation and healing to unite you to SOUL!

 

Loving you from here.

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR “ACTIVE DESIRES” OR AFTER CARE! NOR SHOULD THEY…

 

👊💥👉NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR “ACTIVE DESIRES” OR AFTERCARE! NOR SHOULD THEY…🤯💥👊

 

Earlier in the week I wrote on leveling up your relationship by going monogamous, or why some people feel it is just this and I shared some commentary from an individual about her feelings on having her poly-based partner make this change. I also said there was a ton to her statement and I would need to write more on it.

 

👉THIS IS THE FOLLOW-UP.👈

 

First let’s refresh her words for you.

 

“Can anyone relate? Several love connections have recently decided to monogamously close their new relationships

We’ve stayed in touch, but there’s been no acknowledgment or curiosity of how this transition may affect the feelings of someone who still has active desires. While I believe everyone has the absolute freedom to decide what relationship structure they desire at the moment, I’m having emotions around the lack of attunement or transitional “aftercare”. 😔”

 

🔥🔥🔥WHAT ABOUT MY ACTIVE DESIRES?🔥🔥🔥

 

Why don’t you care about my desire?

Why do you pull away and not offer me an opportunity to fight for what I want in the outcome?

I still want this relationship/sex/friendship, etc?

 

(Insert three-year old tantrum here)😡😢😭😤

 

Okay folks, I am going to be brutally honest, real and raw here with my perspective on this. You may not enjoy what follows, just sayin’.

 

It does not  matter the relationship, you could be monogamous and dating or even married.

You could be poly or open relationship like the woman above and have your partner(s) move in a different direction.

You could just be friends with someone and have the relationship change/alter/end.

 

No matter the relationship, when one person says, “I am done moving in this direction like this and I am instead going to go this direction.” What they are saying is that they are 👉TAKING CARE OF THEMSELVES.👈

 

How self-centered and emotionally immature are you in this moment to say: (things I have been told in break ups, change ups, transition or heard from people I have coached)

 

😭How can you leave me now? It’s the eleventh hour and I really need you.

😭I don’t feel like you really care, you don’t even inquire about…

😭I have feelings too!

😭I don’t know what your boundaries are, they are always changing.

😭You tell me when we can go back to the way things were.

😭I think you are shrinking your world and will regret it.

😭But, but… I thought you needed me.

😭WHAT ABOUT ME???

 

What about you?🤨

 

This is a decision for me.  It’s about me.  My happiness. My peace of mind. My sanity. My life direction. My MF desire.

 

I am taking care of ME and you should follow my lead and take care of YOU.

 

All the above statements are based in a victim consciousness, the wounded, abandoned, fear driven inner child, NOT a mature emotional/mental or physical consciousness from a grown a*s adult who knows that they need to take care of themselves.

 

The worst thing that someone can do that is making a shift in any relationship and creating separation, space, etc is to come back in and comfort the one they are making relationship changes with.

 

This concept of “aftercare” from the person who is wanting separation and space from the other person will not do anything but cause more harm to both parties.

 

YOU HAVE STOP BEING SOMEONE’S CRACK HIT!🤯😳

 

It is first putting the person asking for space in a position of power over the others feelings as well as making them a victim to the other person, because now they have to manage their feelings all the more and THIS may be exactly why they were wanting out to begin with. Perhaps the one being “broken up” with, gave too much power to the other over their emotional state????

So why would it be healthy for aftercare here?

 

It’s not healthy!!!👈

 

NO ONE WINS.

 

Often, in a relationship we lose ourselves in another person.

We without realizing it develop a “need” for this other human being that is a form of co-dependency that is unhealthy, because without their active participation in our lives THE WAY WE WANT we no longer know who we are, what our direction is, nor have happiness.

 

There is healthy grieving that needs to happen in any transition of a relationship.

 

And if we desire to have our needs and wants met ever in a relationship then we must own responsibility for our own inner well-being and state of feeling. This is the ONLY way that we can relate long term with another person and experience stability and trust.

 

👉Over and over again I have heard how the one who is being “forced”😤 into this transition feels like the other does not care.

 

🤦‍♀️They want to fight for the relationship.

🤦‍♀️They want to convince the other that they can get it right.

🤦‍♀️They want to change the mind and feelings of the other.

🤦‍♀️They just want it to go back to the way it was and are often willing to play the waiting game to make it happen.

 

👉And it’s all a self-centered ploy to “feel” loveable, wanted, needed. 👈

 

If one really wanted the best for someone, really loved and cared for a friend/partner/lover they would suck it up and take care of themselves without demand from the one who is wanting changes.

 

They would understand that if things were so great before, that changes would not be happening, so it’s crazy to “think” things will EVER go back to what they were.

 

In their attempts to convince, fight for the relationship, question the needs and desires of the other they only push the other away all the more.

 

An ex of mine used to say, ” A reason, a season or a lifetime. You won’t know what it is till you get there.”

 

How true this statement is and most relationships are for a reason or a season. We can want for the lifetime, but we lose the beauty of the moment, memories, experiences and lessons if we run around focused on the lifetime to the point of squishing our “active desire” on another person.

 

👊👊The thing about “active desire” is that it can imprison you into a state of need. 😳🤯

 

Desire is a beautiful thing.

Desire is healthy!

You were born to live a life of desire.

 

With that said, desire moves you into suffering. And it is supposed to be that way…( yeah, it is.)

Life is about your suffering.

It is about how YOU choose to handle your suffering.

The lessons and healing that you gain from your suffering.

Just because you have an “active desire” DOES NOT mean that anyone owes you anything, nor that you need to put your demands on anyone to meet your desire.

 

THAT is immature.

That is unhealthy.

That is being a victim to life.

 

To have an active desire to maintain a relationship in the same fashion that it has been in and say, ” But, but… I don’t want this transition/change/etc. you need to care about my feelings here too.”

 

Is saying, ” I put you in charge of my happiness. I put myself in front of you for you. You are being selfish by caring about you and making a move for you.”

 

I am always reminded that the most self-centered souls are the one’s pointing fingers of selfishness and self-centeredness at those who are not giving them what they want, how they want it and putting the world in charge of their happiness.

 

I get it!

I have had my heart broken.

I have thought things were going one way and were good ONLY to find out that the other person did not feel the same.

I have cried for months and shut my heart down for years from deep love because of it.

I have sworn off allowing myself ever to care at that level before.

 

And I stand here today, deeper in love and commitment than I have ever experienced and in full gratitude for all the loss, heartache and suffering of my past because it was not aligned to my soul the way I wanted, and at my core I KNEW IT!!!

 

So when, someone says to you,

” I need to make this change.”

 

Say THANK YOU to them for taking care of them and you in the long run. Because that is what they are doing.

 

They are acting from a long term place of love for both of you and leaning into the reality that you are no longer aligned.

Your relationship has served its contract, its purpose and they recognize it.

 

Let yourself be set free.

You deserve to have relationships of all labels that are SOUL ALIGNED.

 

As Always,

Loving you on your journey from here.

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

IS GOING MONOGAMOUS AFTER BEING POLYAMOROUS LEVELING UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

👊💥👉IS GOING MONOGAMOUS AFTER BEING POLYAMOROUS LEVELING UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP?😳👈

 

It’s a personal thing.

Well it should be a personal thing.

 

Recently I saw a status update from a man who was in a polyamorous relationship with a woman and she was in a relationship with another man. She decided that she wanted to “level up ” her relationship with this other man and came to the man I know and shared her decision and reasons. Although he was hurt, he understood and they parted with respect and understanding.

 

Another person recently shared that they had gone through something similar:

 

Can anyone relate? Several love connections have recently decided to monogamously close their new relationships

We’ve stayed in touch, but there’s been no acknowledgment or curiosity of how this transition may affect the feelings of someone who still has active desires. While I believe everyone has the absolute freedom to decide what relationship structure they desire at the moment, I’m having emotions around the lack of attunement or transitional “aftercare”. 😔

 

Now granted this share stirrers a bunch for me and I will be sharing it over the week as we go along but for today I am focusing on the transition from poly to monogamous and why some people feel it is “leveling up” a relationship.

 

As many of you may be aware, I was once upon a time married for almost two decades. It was a monogamous marriage, very traditional, very normal by the standards and we had with it all the typical challenges that come with marriage.

 

I realized over the course of time that I felt trapped. I felt unseen. I felt controlled and like I had to sacrifice pieces of myself to keep the marriage going. I found myself not speaking my truth, hiding my emotions and thoughts around tons of things and it was all eating away at me. I became dead to life, caloused to my heart and feelings, as well as to my sex and a zombie in so many ways.

 

So one day, I decided that things had to change and I asked for a divorce.

 

My purpose was now to discover myself, learn myself, my sex, my body, my likes and dislikes. I felt like I had been living according to what my husband wanted of me and the lack of integrity was ridiculous. So my only focus in finding myself was to remain in integrity at all cost.

 

This concept of radical integrity which I quickly discovered was hard AF!

And scary, it was beautiful beyond measure.

It allowed me a space to do exactly what I wanted.

Learn me.

 

I entered this next phase of my life, dating multiple men, speaking what I wanted, setting boundaries on time, my heart and my sex that I felt good about. I was in control of myself.

 

Giving my best to each partner I chose to share myself with and getting only the aspects of them that they wanted to give, which was of course the best aspects. The fun. The play, the ability to hold space, to listen and share without concern or judgment.

It was beautiful.

 

Or was it?

As time went on, I truly believed that I was most likely not meant for just “one ”. After almost two decades of control and rules that monogamy seemed to impose on couples, I truly believed that it was not healthy or loving. I believed that monogamy was only for small minded, control based relationships where relationships were based in fear, insecurity, need and a desire to control someone else. I counted monogamy as an ego driven style of relating.

 

🙏Open relationships felt more loving and accepting. 🙏

 

It felt safer.

 

I did not have to put all my eggs into one basket.

I did not have to have needs met by one.

And that was a loving thing, to not expect everything from “one.”

 

As time went on, I found myself moving into less open relating and wanting more depth and connection with just a couple of men.

 

Here I landed into a double primary relationship, where I had two men and I was the primary to each of them and they to me.

 

Allowing for my stability in my life.

And for some amount of years we were pretty successful in our poly-based relationship.

 

That was we were successful UNTIL “I” got really stable in who I was, what I wanted, what I liked and did not like and spoke my truth.

 

My one partner was highly upset that  after years of going along with things and being playful and adventurous, I suddenly changed my ways and had harder boundaries in what I wanted and did not enjoy in our sexing. He stated that I did not know myself. Saying that I needed to trust him. You see he was great with me having boundaries around my heart that I had instilled through open relationship where it was vital for me to not get overly attached to anyone and lose myself in them.  But when it came to my boundaries around my sex and body, he was frustrated with me. He wanted to act out his fantasies with my body and he wanted me to want it and trust him in it. Of which I could not because his fantasies were not mine AND he did not penetrate my heart.

 

My other partner, with him I could soften and move into our sexing with ease. I trusted him here. I knew that he wanted for my pleasure and safety not for his fantasy. He had accessed a bit more of my heart and I was wanting to move more into that lush space with him. I wanted to go deeper and commit more. And so I found myself requesting to move to a more monogamous relationship with him.

 

Now granted he chose differently.

He did not want that with me.

He found it with someone else and he set me free.

 

Thank goodness he did too.

Because he gifted me with the best thing ever, my freedom.

Freedom to get very clear on what I really was aligned too and what I really desired in relationship.

 

I had learned so much from all my experiences.

And I knew that what I truly wanted was depth in a relationship.

I knew that I wanted to surrender fully into a relationship and let my heart be held by another.

 

I was tired of the armour that an open relationship had created in its attempt to drop all the armour that had been created in the monogamous marriage of my past.

 

And so fast forward to NOW.

 

👉The relationship that I was not  ready for 25 years ago when I was still married.

 

👉The relationship that I could not have handled just two years ago as I sorted through my feelings, perspectives and views on freedom, commitment and authentic love.

 

👉The relationship that over a decade ago I was not ready for because I believed that immersion was bad and ego based.

 

Today I am monogamous.

And so many people ask me, “WHY?”

 

How can I go from being so open in love, relationship and sex to only having “ONE?”

 

“So in the past you have had non monogamous relationships, but it seems like now you are happy in a monogamous relationship.  So do you think that was because It ultimately wasn’t the right relationship in the past?  Or do you think it was more about where you were in your life and what you wanted at that time vs now?  Or was it more about the partner and what they were comfortable or ok with? Or a combo of all.” – Client inquiry.

 

💥💥💥And to these people and the individuals above who recently went through a transition in their polyamorous loves “leveling up” to monogamy I say this…

 

To some yes, monogamy means all the negative terms I shared and more. It means control and loss of rights. It means that you sacrifice who you are, what you want to explore and who you get to explore with.

 

But when someone is moving from polyamory to monogamy, if they are not being pressured into it but actually want it, it is because they are wanting “more” in their relationship.

 

More:

👉depth

👉commitment

👉transparency

👉trust

👉respect

👉aligned goals

👉connection

👉surrender

👉heart

 

And they have come through the beautiful education of what polyomourous relationships teach and offer and are ready to fully immerse themselves into what they feel is “home.”

 

Why have I come back full force to monogamy?

Simple….

 

💥HE SEE”S ALL OF ME – There is nothing hidden in my relationship. He has witnessed me through a few years in different relationship labels and he has seen my weakness, my fears, my inner battles, my demons. He knows me and he is willing to keep unearthing the parts of me by my side as I go deeper into my soul and heart with him. He continues to choose me, all the while standing strong in who he is and what he needs and wants in our relationship.

 

 

💥WE ARE ALIGNED IN MIND< HEART< SOUL AND BODY – This means that our values are aligned in these areas. We have taken the time not only to delve into each other and truly listen and watch, but to also stand in vulnerability with each other and share. Our lives blend together with ease, not asking either one of us to make massive life changes or be something that we are not. Our views on the world are similar. We live in a dance of joint commitment to relationship happiness and strength instead of who is right or wrong.

 

💥A WHOLE PACKAGE- Not what you might think I mean here. The whole package is all about the alignment and the feeling of “home.” Here is the thing, we may enjoy other destinations when we are world travelers but the feeling of coming home is fantastic if you have a good home. But what if you live in your dream destination and have everything you can ever want for? What if the thought of being a world traveler sounds exhausting and full of drama, even empty? If your home is that spectacular then you just  want to bask in your joy of the home you have and really sink into it. You want to build your life there. This is called full immersion. And it is what the soulmate relationship is all about. I believe that we are all looking for this and we simply don’t believe it’s a real thing because we get led astray and hurt so much that we end up armouring our hearts to it. There is something inside we humans that want the equal yoking and entwinement of the whole being where we become one. This is because we crave at our deepest level to have rock solid trust, love and transparency with another and it can only truly happen when two people commit to each other and make zero room for interruptions, chaos or things that distract.

 

👊I HAD TO WANT AND BE WILLING TO BE HELD LIKE THIS.👊

 

And this is a scary AF place to want to set up camp.

Let me tell you this.

Open relationships allowed for detachment, even encouraged it.

I taught myself that was the most loving thing to do.

 

💥Soul-monogamy💥requires unbelievable trust in surrendering into your mate and removing anything that can be perceived as a barrier. Ultimate transparency and acceptance of self and your partner. The reality is you cannot have soul-monogamy with just anyone. You must be ready for it and you must have the right person show up to meet you in this meadow of the rest of your life. 

 

It is Soul-penetration.

 

Yeah, there is a lot here and I hope that you found something for where you are at in your relationship and style.

There is no right or wrong in relating.

The only thing you ever need to do is find ALIGNMENT for where you are and speak your truth about it.

Your soul and heart are learning, and it is your responsibility to listen to the lessons and have faith in your steps.

 

For me, Soul-monogamy is my true path.

The rules that I was once intolerable of are now my heart’s desire.

I am not controlled by the container that we have built together but instead freed by it to know that I am protected and supported by my choices and my commitment and that my partner is aligned to these as well.

 

Freedom comes with responsibility.

Responsibility is defined by the guidelines that help us to have clarity to know what is needed in any situation or choice to be made.

 

Commit to these things and you will find yourself one day in the arms of your soulmate. 

 

As Always, 

Loving you from here on your journey. 

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

DON’T LET YOUR INNER CHILD SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IT WILL!

👊👊👉DON’T LET YOUR INNER CHILD SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IT WILL! 😳👈👊
I have an issue with the word, “You.”
I also am incredibly sensitive in nature and empathic you might say. I feel when my partner pulls away emotionally from me and it sends me into a tailspin in my thoughts.
I can be very self-critical, I judge myself before someone else can even get the words together and I have already sentenced myself, convinced that I am at fault, not good enough, not thinking right, feeling right and should just shut up about whatever the subject might be that has created this drama that I don’t want to deal with.
In the same, I was raised an only child (although I am not an only child) and with it I have a blended feeling of righteousness, as though the world ‘should’ just get on board with what I want. I am strong in my opinions about things and not afraid to speak them often.
I also have a blend of being the baby in the family and the eldest child in another way, because I found myself parenting my mother frequently… meaning I was the listening ear, the therapist, the peacekeeper, her friend, her sister…
I was rarely her child.
Except she guarded me and helicopter parented me like the baby.
My father wanted a son and he got me. Leaving me feeling like I was never good enough, never strong enough, a let down and there was nothing that I could do to fix it, so I was the best Tom boy that I could be with my barbies in hand, a baseball bat, fishing pole, and my fascination for nature and wild creatures.
All of this and so much more, created an inner child who is strong willed, temperamental, calculating yet hot headed at times, deeply emotional, fearful of not being worthy or good enough and yet that she is too much to handle and her truth is not acceptable for the world and especially the one she chooses to give her heart too.
And this inner child, well she gets things wrong a lot.
She acts from sheer emotion frequently and thank goodness for the parenting I have done for myself and self-healing and growing to see things so that I can nip them in the butt quicker than in years past.
I have learned that criticism is typically not a healthy stance to take.
For self or others.
And it certainly is not a loving act in an intimate relationship.
It actually creates separation and wraps both parties up into the blame game which steals our personal power and triggers wounds from childhood and past relationships.
Let me explain this just a tad bit more.
Typically when we are being critical with our partner what we are actually attempting to do is to inform them that we have a complaint about their action or behaviour.
An example might be that my partner and I have an agreement in our relationship to check in with each other. He texts me faithfully every morning when he arrives at work saying, “At office.”
I message back that I love him, letting him know that I received the message.
Now let’s say that he skips a day because he got caught up right away in a conversation at work and had to deal with something. One thing led to another as they do and he meant to message but never made it to it.
A few hours go by and my mind has now wandered into places of concern for him, or what happened because this is our pattern, our thing and he did not follow through.
Let’s say that I call him and say,
“What happened? I guess you think it’s okay to just not do what we agreed to and you obviously don’t care about my feelings or concern. I don’t believe you forgot because this is what we have been doing since we got together. It was just selfish of you to not slow down and think about texting me. How long does it take to just say at the office?”
This does not feel good, does it?
It blames him for his actions, my feelings and tells him that he is bad, selfish, I don’t trust him, I can’t trust him, I don’t believe him and that he is bad. It plays on any triggers from his youth about not getting it right and most likely may cause fear of abandonment. It also gives no space for human error and situations that arise for any of us. In truth if I were to say this to him, I would be the one who was being self-centered and not wanting to take any responsibility for my thoughts, feelings or how I am approaching him or his feelings. I am going into victim mode in this stance.
A healthy way to deal with the same situation might be,
“Hey love, just calling to make sure everything is okay. I got a bit scared since you have not texted like normal to let me know you were at the office, I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Can you feel the difference?
Can you see the supportiveness, love, compassion and connection building in the second one versus the blame and shame in the first?
Which will lead to a healthy outcome?
Which creates a space for listening and for connection?
Exactly the second one.
Our words mean so much, and communication is vital to a happy, healthy relationship. Often people don’t express issues they are having, they instead express criticism. Expressing your frustration and upset, calmly and with a willingness to receive the others humanness shows unconditional love and support, instead of blame which creates separation, walls, fear and judgement.
The next thing our inner child might try and sabotage our relationship with is CONTEMPT. 😳
Contempt is a nasty little booger.
It goes far past criticism.
Criticism attacks your partner’s character, however contempt assumes a position of moral superiority.
Wowza!
This really shows its nasty head in situations where we get into comparison with our partner.
We tend to be acting strictly from our wound, our pain body in these moments. And we might say things such as,
“Yeah, yeah… you never feel good. You are always tired. Don’t you see what I have been doing for you, this house and family? Stop being so pathetic and just fix yourself already. If I had a dollar for every time you …”
Here is where we step firmly into righteousness land.
Making ourselves better than our partners and pointing them into the land of not good enough no matter what.
Typically our righteousness blinds us from being able to see our partners for who they are and what they are actually doing because we are caught up in our checklist and rules book of how it is supposed to look and the time line that we have impressed upon them ‘getting it right and proving themselves to us.’
Contemp arises because of the fear that we hold inside around abandonment and not being worthy enough to hold onto love.
It stems from a wounded inner child that felt unseen, unloved, not recognized and most likely was reminded of their shortcoming frequently. Anything that triggers it in our adult relating will put us here in the land of comparison and contempt that he/she has it better than us and does not appreciate it or what we have done.
This is a killer to creating lasting love and trust in a relationship and will always lead to our partners feeling like they are damned no matter what they do.
As a child, raised in the manner that I was.
As a virgo, who is super self-critical.
As a woman, who was a little girl who just desired her daddy’s acceptance and love, approval.
And not wanting to get things wrong in general but still being damn good at being human, one of the hardest grown up things that I have had to learn and get right with is, making mistakes and taking responsibility for them.
I believe that this is potentially THE BIGGEST issue in a relationship.
All relationships.
Love, parenting, friendship, work, don’t matter.
I know I am far from alone in learning how to be emotionally mature and own my own bull.
But there’s more to self-responsibility then just saying,
“I own my part.”
We have to follow that up with our actions.
And we have to make changes to not repeat the mistakes.
That says more than anything : I take responsibility for my words/actions here.
However, what happens more than this is DEFENSIVENESS.
And we make excuses for why it happened, almost begging for forgiveness and understanding.
Again we put ourselves into the victim mode instead of self-empowered mode. Plus, we say to our partner with our excuse that we don’t take their concern, feelings, thoughts, needs seriously.
We are not willing to take responsibility but instead point blame to an outside source.
Not saying that one cannot share “why” things happened the way they did, that is not a bad thing and helps our partner understand the full picture. But if we come out the gates without recognizing that our partner has a concern and instead just run over them with excuses and defense moves, or shifting the subject, pointing fingers back at them and such, we are shutting down communication and love.
Defensiveness is normal.
No one likes to be blamed or feel blamed.
But if we are to have a happy and healthy relationship then we have to shift past our normal defaults and practice a deeper, more loving communication style where both sides aim to find resolution in happiness instead of who is right or wrong.
The final wounded inner child tactic of sabotage on your relationship I want to share today is known as stone walling.
This is where the listener withdraws from the conversation. They shut down and simply stop responding to their partner rather than deal with the issue. They may all of a sudden become very busy with something and use maneuvers such as looking away, moving to a different room, saying they have to get to work, or even doing something as simple as doing the dishes or tapping their foot.
Stone walling is a childish behaviour that many people make use of when they feel extreme discomfort in discussing an issue in the relationship that may be too emotional for them at the time.
I had an intimate relationship for years just like this. My partner then, consistently would stone wall any issue. He would just act as though I did not exist anymore. In order for me to be seen by him, I would have to literally grovel and ask for forgiveness for what he perceived I did wrong and he would sit with a stone face and finally say, “Don’t worry about it.”
But that was just a lead into more stone walling.
Where he would tell me not to worry, to forget it.
What he wanted was for me to FIX MY EVIL WAYS.
Although, as it is in many instances in relationship, there was nothing to fix, or the things he was hurt about he had no idea what I could do to make better or right, just leaving me with the statement,
” You know what you did, you know what I want.”
The issue was that all I knew is that I did not like the feeling of being cast out.
I was asking for direction and wanted to do my part, but did not know what he needed from me to make it right.
And sometimes he was mad at me about what others had done, or his perception of events and was upset that he had been triggered but did not know himself what to do.
His path as a child was to coil up and hide.
To become aloof.
Separate as best he could from his pain.
And he brought this pattern to our relationship which in turn triggered my fear of abandonment.
My daddy issues about not being good enough or getting it right and a desire to please him at almost all cost.
So much so, like I did when my dad got upset with me and pulled away, I found myself in this unhealthy relationship acting the same and shrinking into my wounded child to meet his wounded child and we danced together in seperation.
Until one day, like any of these behaviours will lead to if used repeatedly and unconsciously from that sabotaging inner child state, we seperated.
 
A healthy format might have been to say,
“I am really emotional and upset about this right now. I don’t feel safe discussing it and need time to think and calm down. Can we talk later?”
 
Feel the difference from the stone walling?
I do.
And that is why I share this article today with you.
I see these behaviours being used frequently.
We are all guilty of them at different times, and if you think you are not,
THINK AGAIN.
Because you are human and wounded.
These are typical patterns of relating.
However, as we emotionally mature it is our responsibility to own our emotions and feelings, thus our actions and recognize our thoughts that lead to them.
Acting from an emotional mature space means that we as adults in a loving relationship will want to deal with any problem that arises and work through it right away. Where that inner child will choose one or more of these patterns and make excuses, point fingers and avoid.
The inner child will find themselves revisiting the wounds and fear,
sabotaging and recreating the history they did not enjoy living through in their once loving relationship of today.
Just something to ponder on this Friday.
As Always,
Loving you from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.