👊💥👉IS GOING MONOGAMOUS AFTER BEING POLYAMOROUS LEVELING UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP?😳👈
It’s a personal thing.
Well it should be a personal thing.
Recently I saw a status update from a man who was in a polyamorous relationship with a woman and she was in a relationship with another man. She decided that she wanted to “level up ” her relationship with this other man and came to the man I know and shared her decision and reasons. Although he was hurt, he understood and they parted with respect and understanding.
Another person recently shared that they had gone through something similar:
Can anyone relate? Several love connections have recently decided to monogamously close their new relationships
We’ve stayed in touch, but there’s been no acknowledgment or curiosity of how this transition may affect the feelings of someone who still has active desires. While I believe everyone has the absolute freedom to decide what relationship structure they desire at the moment, I’m having emotions around the lack of attunement or transitional “aftercare”. 😔
Now granted this share stirrers a bunch for me and I will be sharing it over the week as we go along but for today I am focusing on the transition from poly to monogamous and why some people feel it is “leveling up” a relationship.
As many of you may be aware, I was once upon a time married for almost two decades. It was a monogamous marriage, very traditional, very normal by the standards and we had with it all the typical challenges that come with marriage.
I realized over the course of time that I felt trapped. I felt unseen. I felt controlled and like I had to sacrifice pieces of myself to keep the marriage going. I found myself not speaking my truth, hiding my emotions and thoughts around tons of things and it was all eating away at me. I became dead to life, caloused to my heart and feelings, as well as to my sex and a zombie in so many ways.
So one day, I decided that things had to change and I asked for a divorce.
My purpose was now to discover myself, learn myself, my sex, my body, my likes and dislikes. I felt like I had been living according to what my husband wanted of me and the lack of integrity was ridiculous. So my only focus in finding myself was to remain in integrity at all cost.
This concept of radical integrity which I quickly discovered was hard AF!
And scary, it was beautiful beyond measure.
It allowed me a space to do exactly what I wanted.
I entered this next phase of my life, dating multiple men, speaking what I wanted, setting boundaries on time, my heart and my sex that I felt good about. I was in control of myself.
Giving my best to each partner I chose to share myself with and getting only the aspects of them that they wanted to give, which was of course the best aspects. The fun. The play, the ability to hold space, to listen and share without concern or judgment.
It was beautiful.
Or was it?
As time went on, I truly believed that I was most likely not meant for just “one ”. After almost two decades of control and rules that monogamy seemed to impose on couples, I truly believed that it was not healthy or loving. I believed that monogamy was only for small minded, control based relationships where relationships were based in fear, insecurity, need and a desire to control someone else. I counted monogamy as an ego driven style of relating.
🙏Open relationships felt more loving and accepting. 🙏
It felt safer.
I did not have to put all my eggs into one basket.
I did not have to have needs met by one.
And that was a loving thing, to not expect everything from “one.”
As time went on, I found myself moving into less open relating and wanting more depth and connection with just a couple of men.
Here I landed into a double primary relationship, where I had two men and I was the primary to each of them and they to me.
Allowing for my stability in my life.
And for some amount of years we were pretty successful in our poly-based relationship.
That was we were successful UNTIL “I” got really stable in who I was, what I wanted, what I liked and did not like and spoke my truth.
My one partner was highly upset that after years of going along with things and being playful and adventurous, I suddenly changed my ways and had harder boundaries in what I wanted and did not enjoy in our sexing. He stated that I did not know myself. Saying that I needed to trust him. You see he was great with me having boundaries around my heart that I had instilled through open relationship where it was vital for me to not get overly attached to anyone and lose myself in them. But when it came to my boundaries around my sex and body, he was frustrated with me. He wanted to act out his fantasies with my body and he wanted me to want it and trust him in it. Of which I could not because his fantasies were not mine AND he did not penetrate my heart.
My other partner, with him I could soften and move into our sexing with ease. I trusted him here. I knew that he wanted for my pleasure and safety not for his fantasy. He had accessed a bit more of my heart and I was wanting to move more into that lush space with him. I wanted to go deeper and commit more. And so I found myself requesting to move to a more monogamous relationship with him.
Now granted he chose differently.
He did not want that with me.
He found it with someone else and he set me free.
Thank goodness he did too.
Because he gifted me with the best thing ever, my freedom.
Freedom to get very clear on what I really was aligned too and what I really desired in relationship.
I had learned so much from all my experiences.
And I knew that what I truly wanted was depth in a relationship.
I knew that I wanted to surrender fully into a relationship and let my heart be held by another.
I was tired of the armour that an open relationship had created in its attempt to drop all the armour that had been created in the monogamous marriage of my past.
And so fast forward to NOW.
👉The relationship that I was not ready for 25 years ago when I was still married.
👉The relationship that I could not have handled just two years ago as I sorted through my feelings, perspectives and views on freedom, commitment and authentic love.
👉The relationship that over a decade ago I was not ready for because I believed that immersion was bad and ego based.
Today I am monogamous.
And so many people ask me, “WHY?”
How can I go from being so open in love, relationship and sex to only having “ONE?”
“So in the past you have had non monogamous relationships, but it seems like now you are happy in a monogamous relationship. So do you think that was because It ultimately wasn’t the right relationship in the past? Or do you think it was more about where you were in your life and what you wanted at that time vs now? Or was it more about the partner and what they were comfortable or ok with? Or a combo of all.” – Client inquiry.
💥💥💥And to these people and the individuals above who recently went through a transition in their polyamorous loves “leveling up” to monogamy I say this…
To some yes, monogamy means all the negative terms I shared and more. It means control and loss of rights. It means that you sacrifice who you are, what you want to explore and who you get to explore with.
But when someone is moving from polyamory to monogamy, if they are not being pressured into it but actually want it, it is because they are wanting “more” in their relationship.
And they have come through the beautiful education of what polyomourous relationships teach and offer and are ready to fully immerse themselves into what they feel is “home.”
Why have I come back full force to monogamy?
💥HE SEE”S ALL OF ME – There is nothing hidden in my relationship. He has witnessed me through a few years in different relationship labels and he has seen my weakness, my fears, my inner battles, my demons. He knows me and he is willing to keep unearthing the parts of me by my side as I go deeper into my soul and heart with him. He continues to choose me, all the while standing strong in who he is and what he needs and wants in our relationship.
💥WE ARE ALIGNED IN MIND< HEART< SOUL AND BODY – This means that our values are aligned in these areas. We have taken the time not only to delve into each other and truly listen and watch, but to also stand in vulnerability with each other and share. Our lives blend together with ease, not asking either one of us to make massive life changes or be something that we are not. Our views on the world are similar. We live in a dance of joint commitment to relationship happiness and strength instead of who is right or wrong.
💥A WHOLE PACKAGE- Not what you might think I mean here. The whole package is all about the alignment and the feeling of “home.” Here is the thing, we may enjoy other destinations when we are world travelers but the feeling of coming home is fantastic if you have a good home. But what if you live in your dream destination and have everything you can ever want for? What if the thought of being a world traveler sounds exhausting and full of drama, even empty? If your home is that spectacular then you just want to bask in your joy of the home you have and really sink into it. You want to build your life there. This is called full immersion. And it is what the soulmate relationship is all about. I believe that we are all looking for this and we simply don’t believe it’s a real thing because we get led astray and hurt so much that we end up armouring our hearts to it. There is something inside we humans that want the equal yoking and entwinement of the whole being where we become one. This is because we crave at our deepest level to have rock solid trust, love and transparency with another and it can only truly happen when two people commit to each other and make zero room for interruptions, chaos or things that distract.
👊I HAD TO WANT AND BE WILLING TO BE HELD LIKE THIS.👊
And this is a scary AF place to want to set up camp.
Let me tell you this.
Open relationships allowed for detachment, even encouraged it.
I taught myself that was the most loving thing to do.
💥Soul-monogamy💥requires unbelievable trust in surrendering into your mate and removing anything that can be perceived as a barrier. Ultimate transparency and acceptance of self and your partner. The reality is you cannot have soul-monogamy with just anyone. You must be ready for it and you must have the right person show up to meet you in this meadow of the rest of your life.
It is Soul-penetration.
Yeah, there is a lot here and I hope that you found something for where you are at in your relationship and style.
There is no right or wrong in relating.
The only thing you ever need to do is find ALIGNMENT for where you are and speak your truth about it.
Your soul and heart are learning, and it is your responsibility to listen to the lessons and have faith in your steps.
For me, Soul-monogamy is my true path.
The rules that I was once intolerable of are now my heart’s desire.
I am not controlled by the container that we have built together but instead freed by it to know that I am protected and supported by my choices and my commitment and that my partner is aligned to these as well.
Freedom comes with responsibility.
Responsibility is defined by the guidelines that help us to have clarity to know what is needed in any situation or choice to be made.
Commit to these things and you will find yourself one day in the arms of your soulmate.
Loving you from here on your journey.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.