In the last few weeks, I have been asked a handful of times if Craig and I will ever marry…
and each time I get asked I have a massive amount of insecurity rise up in my body, which is how I have arrived here today writing this, because I find myself going deeper into myself and asking,
“Why do I feel insecure when I get asked this question?”
It’s funny because in each moment I have been asked, I feel myself retreat into a corner somewhere in my psyche and want to hide as though there is shame around the topic.
My palms sweat.
My heart starts to race.
I can feel tears wanting to release, and my voice shake.
I always answer the same, “I am sure someday we will discuss that and do it.”
But the reality of my feelings and thoughts on the subject of marriage to the man that I love more than anything and am firmly centered and committed with is something so much more complex.
Over the last few days, I have watched and visited with Craigs parents, his father and step-mother and one of my biggest noticing’s was the deep care, nurturing support and dependency they have on each other.
Such tender moments were seen between them, from a hand on one another to calm the body, to a soft and deeply loving smile, to a firm word of concern. It was beautiful witnessing them relive a memory of how they met and what their courtship time was like, or vulnerable shares about challenging times that they went through as a couple.
As I sat back and sipped my wine and just watched them and listened, I found myself understanding my desires and needs all the more.
Yes, this question of if Craig and I will ever marry, dancing in my head and heart and wanting to be understood why I feel the way that I do.
“Is it a social program that is causing my shame and insecurity?”
In truth it is multiple social programs, and they are on opposite sides of the coin.
My traditional mind and heart that has been told that marriage is the right way, it is what two people do who love each other and want to truly commit to each other do. It is for sure right up there on stage. Making its case as to the values and morals, the benefits and rewards of being married. And that if we really do love each other than this is a must.
Then there is the “modern program” of marriage is a confine, it steals your personal freedom, it’s not a requirement and means nothing in a relationship. Being in a domestic union is equal and does not hinder each person in any fashion. Marriage is nothing but control and a piece of legal paper that is not needed. It has nothing to do with love or commitment.
As these aspects and feelings of myself battle it out on the stage of my mind I can see where ALL of my insecurity is coming from.
It’s from both sides.
It’s from the fear of being judged.
From the fear of being rejected, or not good enough.
It from the fear of asking for what I want and believing that it’s okay to have what I want, no matter what society says on either side.
And most of all, it’s from feeling my authentic self.
You see I know what I want.
I know what I desire.
And when I stop and inquire on the WHY, to check myself and make sure that my wants, desires and “needs” are not based on what society is selling or I am supposed to believe in, I can feel my TRUTH on the subject.
It still holds all the fear.
But when I question my core beliefs on the subject what I come up with is that marriage is important.
Marriage is highly valuable for many reasons.
Marriage is the ultimate commitment between two people.
It means that you are no longer responsible just for yourself, but that you are taking on the responsibility of another human.
Much like becoming a parent.
and sure, that’s nothing we want to merge with our romantic partner, because it holds some not great feelings.
But marriage is still about taking on the full responsibility of someone else.
It’s about not giving yourself an out.
It’s about closing all the doors.
It’s about being a thousand percent in.
Yes, putting all your chips on the gamble of a lifetime with another fickle, hurt, wounded, unperfect human being.
Because they are your person.
And you are theirs.
I have been married and divorced.
I have been in a domestic union twice.
All the day to day stuff was the same.
My trust was breached, my heart hurt and I felt used.
I questioned if the other person really had my back, if the chips were down.
Two out of three of the above relationships left me high and dry in their own ways. They were never there for me, for us. And I have severe trust issues today because of those relationships.
But I can tell you that domestic union, I never have felt safe. I always knew that the door was open and that I could not count on him.
The marriage, well there was a ton more that went into that relationship, we were almost forced to slow our role and think things through when shit was happening. We had to be responsible for each other in different ways, where the domestic union, it was a my way or the highway, it was “I was looking for a relationship when I found this one, so I can easily do that again.”
It was replaceable with ease. Just as all domestic unions are.
So, the last few days, as I watched Craigs parents and thought about all that they are facing in their golden years together, what I saw was true teamwork. True unity. True care beyond the difficult stuff. A love between these two people that did not question if they were there for each other. The choices and decisions made were about both of them and yet for each one of them as well.
They truly want to take care of each other in all ways and provide all the opportunities to do this to the last day together.
And that is beautiful.
That is a true love story and life story together.
Perhaps this turning forty-seven over the weekend has me caught up in the reality of my mortality. I certainly have more years behind me than in front of me these days, and my need for safety and a feeling of together forever is stronger than ever before.
Marriage has no guarantees just like domestic union.
But to say that is has nothing to do with deeper commitment and love is not accurate in my mind or at my soul level.
If you truly love someone and are committed why would you not want to put all the chips in and yoke yourselves together?
Why would you not want to create a barrier to walking out the back door instead of leaving the door open?
Why do we believe that marriage steals our personal freedoms?
This question in itself clarifies how little commitment and love is actually at play in the relationship and what is there instead is a overpowering desire of THE SELF.
Never in time have we been so focused on the self and that it is what matters most, all the while craving and desiring to be truly loved and supported.
We also stand in a time in our world and in relationships with a concept that to be dependent or even co-dependent on another is a bad thing.
The TRUTH BOMB 
is that at some point in our lives we will all be dependent on someone.
The older we get the more real this becomes.
Old age, illness, disease, our bodies breaking down, our minds leaving us, will come for many of us and we will become a burden on someone. But that burden is far less if the person we are dependent on is our person, because it is about having someone’s back, loving them to the last breath and making hard choices for them and for ourselves when the time comes.
I was that person for my mother because she did not have someone. Did I do the best I could? I believe so, but the strain put on me and my family would have been far less and would have been different if my mother had been in a love story that was a life story too.
And the next BIG TRUTH BOMB is that as long as you can leave, then you don’t have to tell each other the truth. Its as simple as that, because you can just leave. And then you don’t have anyone to tell the truth to.
A good marriage is all about transparency and truth. Honesty and care. Nurturing and love.
True commitment is truth.
When we say “I do” to someone else it is a vow of truth telling.
It is about knowing that we are saying that sure we are all replaceable but that, “I choose to make this person not replaceable.”
Marriage is about safety, permanence and loving them when the chips are down.
And having the ability to do just that and more legally.
Because at the end of our days someone will have to assist us, someone will have to support us, will have to be responsible.
In our hedonist mindset of modern relationship these words, thoughts and feelings I share here today about what I feel is my truth, are far from popular. Matter a fact, they will repulse many of you who take the time to read this and will stir an argument in your hearts and minds with me.
It still does not change anything.
relationship and love are the hardest journey in our lives, filled with risk and rewards. Fear, pain, and beauty.
Do I believe that you can have all of these perks in a domestic union?
No.
I believe that is easy to say goodbye and not tell the truth or have each others backs.
Marriage is not for the timid or the ones who do not want to step up for the rest of their days for another human being that they love, but instead want that back door to remain at least cracked a little open.
Marriage is for the ones who value it.
Who value unity and commitment.
Who have a warrior spirit for their hearts and lover.
So back to that initial question that God/universe keeps delivering to my doorstep recently.
Will Craig and I ever get married?
And my answer is still the same, “I am sure that someday we will discuss that, and if we come together at that level of commitment then yes, we will. Until then, we are learning each other still. We are healing and growing. We are loving and learning how to tell each other the truth and how to hear that truth.”
I guess the next logical question then, “Is there a timeline on this?”
And for that, well its another share another day and something more to ponder in the deepest crevasses of my heart and soul.
But for you dear reader, ask yourself if your thoughts, feelings and attitudes about marriage are rooted in your truth or in something society is selling you? and supported by your own fears and wounds of your past love stories that did not become a life story as well?
Drop your comments about this topic below and if I said something that resonated or not let me know. I want to hear your truth.
As always loving you from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
Rene Schooler
#marriage #truth #truthbetold #love #ichooseyou #Commitment #oldage #soulmate