Thoughts on the “unreal” relationship and what it means…

Recently I’ve shared some POV and thought-provoking statements here around authentic relating. Some comments focused on the words “real” and what I was meaning by using that word.

Sharing comments about how all humans are real, all relationships even if toxic are real.

And to you, yes, yes you are correct.

Getting hung up on the semantics of the word “real” though diluted the message, or better yet perhaps, seemed like the message had been missed all together.

Therefore, I thought that today I would try and share exactly what I meant by the word “real” or “unreal” in some recent posts around relationship.

A relationship can be considered “not real” or lacking authenticity when certain fundamental elements are missing or compromised. Here are some factors that can contribute to a relationship being perceived as not real that I have seen manifest over two decades of working with people.

→ Lack of Honesty: Authentic relationships are built on honesty and transparency. When one or both parties are not truthful about their thoughts, feelings, or intentions, the relationship can feel fake or superficial.

→Lack of Communication: Effective communication is vital for any genuine relationship. When there’s a lack of open and honest communication, misunderstandings can arise, and the connection may feel shallow or distant.

→Emotional Disconnect: Authentic relationships are characterized by emotional intimacy and connection. If individuals in the relationship are emotionally distant, unresponsive, or unwilling to engage on a deeper level, it can make the relationship feel insincere.

→Lack of Mutual Respect: Respect is a cornerstone of authentic relationships. When there’s a lack of mutual respect, and one person consistently disregards the feelings, boundaries, or needs of the other, the relationship can become strained and feel inauthentic.

→Hidden Agendas: When one or both parties in a relationship have hidden agendas or ulterior motives, it can erode trust and authenticity. People may feel used or manipulated when they discover these hidden motives.

→Superficiality: Superficial relationships are often characterized by a focus on surface-level attributes such as appearance, status, or material possessions, rather than deeper connections based on shared values and genuine connection.

→Transactional Nature: If a relationship is primarily based on transactions or what each person can get from the other, it can feel transactional rather than authentic. This might include relationships where one person is only interested in financial gain or material support.

→Unresolved Conflict: Authentic relationships acknowledge and work through conflicts and disagreements. When conflicts are avoided, ignored, or unresolved, it can lead to a sense of inauthenticity in the relationship.

→Pressure to Conform: In some cases, one person in the relationship may feel pressured to conform to the expectations, beliefs, or values of the other, leading to a loss of their authentic self.

→Absence of Trust: Trust is essential for any genuine relationship. When trust is broken or absent, it can create a sense of inauthenticity and insecurity within the relationship.

→Manipulation or Control: When one person seeks to manipulate or control the other, whether emotionally, psychologically, or physically, it undermines the authenticity of the relationship.

→Unilateral Decision-Making: Authentic relationships involve shared decision-making and mutual respect for each person’s autonomy. When one person consistently makes decisions without consulting or considering the other, it can make the relationship feel one-sided and inauthentic.

Authenticity in a relationship doesn’t mean it’s always smooth or without conflicts; rather, it means that both parties are willing to be their “true” selves, communicate openly, and work together to build a connection based on trust, respect, and shared values.

When these elements are lacking, the relationship may be perceived as not real or lacking authenticity.

Just some thoughts from this relationship coach to you on authentic relating and what a real relationship is and is not.

Love your thoughts and opinions in the comments on this topic.

As always,

Loving you from here.

Rene Schooler