DON’T LET YOUR INNER CHILD SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IT WILL!

👊👊👉DON’T LET YOUR INNER CHILD SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IT WILL! 😳👈👊
I have an issue with the word, “You.”
I also am incredibly sensitive in nature and empathic you might say. I feel when my partner pulls away emotionally from me and it sends me into a tailspin in my thoughts.
I can be very self-critical, I judge myself before someone else can even get the words together and I have already sentenced myself, convinced that I am at fault, not good enough, not thinking right, feeling right and should just shut up about whatever the subject might be that has created this drama that I don’t want to deal with.
In the same, I was raised an only child (although I am not an only child) and with it I have a blended feeling of righteousness, as though the world ‘should’ just get on board with what I want. I am strong in my opinions about things and not afraid to speak them often.
I also have a blend of being the baby in the family and the eldest child in another way, because I found myself parenting my mother frequently… meaning I was the listening ear, the therapist, the peacekeeper, her friend, her sister…
I was rarely her child.
Except she guarded me and helicopter parented me like the baby.
My father wanted a son and he got me. Leaving me feeling like I was never good enough, never strong enough, a let down and there was nothing that I could do to fix it, so I was the best Tom boy that I could be with my barbies in hand, a baseball bat, fishing pole, and my fascination for nature and wild creatures.
All of this and so much more, created an inner child who is strong willed, temperamental, calculating yet hot headed at times, deeply emotional, fearful of not being worthy or good enough and yet that she is too much to handle and her truth is not acceptable for the world and especially the one she chooses to give her heart too.
And this inner child, well she gets things wrong a lot.
She acts from sheer emotion frequently and thank goodness for the parenting I have done for myself and self-healing and growing to see things so that I can nip them in the butt quicker than in years past.
I have learned that criticism is typically not a healthy stance to take.
For self or others.
And it certainly is not a loving act in an intimate relationship.
It actually creates separation and wraps both parties up into the blame game which steals our personal power and triggers wounds from childhood and past relationships.
Let me explain this just a tad bit more.
Typically when we are being critical with our partner what we are actually attempting to do is to inform them that we have a complaint about their action or behaviour.
An example might be that my partner and I have an agreement in our relationship to check in with each other. He texts me faithfully every morning when he arrives at work saying, “At office.”
I message back that I love him, letting him know that I received the message.
Now let’s say that he skips a day because he got caught up right away in a conversation at work and had to deal with something. One thing led to another as they do and he meant to message but never made it to it.
A few hours go by and my mind has now wandered into places of concern for him, or what happened because this is our pattern, our thing and he did not follow through.
Let’s say that I call him and say,
“What happened? I guess you think it’s okay to just not do what we agreed to and you obviously don’t care about my feelings or concern. I don’t believe you forgot because this is what we have been doing since we got together. It was just selfish of you to not slow down and think about texting me. How long does it take to just say at the office?”
This does not feel good, does it?
It blames him for his actions, my feelings and tells him that he is bad, selfish, I don’t trust him, I can’t trust him, I don’t believe him and that he is bad. It plays on any triggers from his youth about not getting it right and most likely may cause fear of abandonment. It also gives no space for human error and situations that arise for any of us. In truth if I were to say this to him, I would be the one who was being self-centered and not wanting to take any responsibility for my thoughts, feelings or how I am approaching him or his feelings. I am going into victim mode in this stance.
A healthy way to deal with the same situation might be,
“Hey love, just calling to make sure everything is okay. I got a bit scared since you have not texted like normal to let me know you were at the office, I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Can you feel the difference?
Can you see the supportiveness, love, compassion and connection building in the second one versus the blame and shame in the first?
Which will lead to a healthy outcome?
Which creates a space for listening and for connection?
Exactly the second one.
Our words mean so much, and communication is vital to a happy, healthy relationship. Often people don’t express issues they are having, they instead express criticism. Expressing your frustration and upset, calmly and with a willingness to receive the others humanness shows unconditional love and support, instead of blame which creates separation, walls, fear and judgement.
The next thing our inner child might try and sabotage our relationship with is CONTEMPT. 😳
Contempt is a nasty little booger.
It goes far past criticism.
Criticism attacks your partner’s character, however contempt assumes a position of moral superiority.
Wowza!
This really shows its nasty head in situations where we get into comparison with our partner.
We tend to be acting strictly from our wound, our pain body in these moments. And we might say things such as,
“Yeah, yeah… you never feel good. You are always tired. Don’t you see what I have been doing for you, this house and family? Stop being so pathetic and just fix yourself already. If I had a dollar for every time you …”
Here is where we step firmly into righteousness land.
Making ourselves better than our partners and pointing them into the land of not good enough no matter what.
Typically our righteousness blinds us from being able to see our partners for who they are and what they are actually doing because we are caught up in our checklist and rules book of how it is supposed to look and the time line that we have impressed upon them ‘getting it right and proving themselves to us.’
Contemp arises because of the fear that we hold inside around abandonment and not being worthy enough to hold onto love.
It stems from a wounded inner child that felt unseen, unloved, not recognized and most likely was reminded of their shortcoming frequently. Anything that triggers it in our adult relating will put us here in the land of comparison and contempt that he/she has it better than us and does not appreciate it or what we have done.
This is a killer to creating lasting love and trust in a relationship and will always lead to our partners feeling like they are damned no matter what they do.
As a child, raised in the manner that I was.
As a virgo, who is super self-critical.
As a woman, who was a little girl who just desired her daddy’s acceptance and love, approval.
And not wanting to get things wrong in general but still being damn good at being human, one of the hardest grown up things that I have had to learn and get right with is, making mistakes and taking responsibility for them.
I believe that this is potentially THE BIGGEST issue in a relationship.
All relationships.
Love, parenting, friendship, work, don’t matter.
I know I am far from alone in learning how to be emotionally mature and own my own bull.
But there’s more to self-responsibility then just saying,
“I own my part.”
We have to follow that up with our actions.
And we have to make changes to not repeat the mistakes.
That says more than anything : I take responsibility for my words/actions here.
However, what happens more than this is DEFENSIVENESS.
And we make excuses for why it happened, almost begging for forgiveness and understanding.
Again we put ourselves into the victim mode instead of self-empowered mode. Plus, we say to our partner with our excuse that we don’t take their concern, feelings, thoughts, needs seriously.
We are not willing to take responsibility but instead point blame to an outside source.
Not saying that one cannot share “why” things happened the way they did, that is not a bad thing and helps our partner understand the full picture. But if we come out the gates without recognizing that our partner has a concern and instead just run over them with excuses and defense moves, or shifting the subject, pointing fingers back at them and such, we are shutting down communication and love.
Defensiveness is normal.
No one likes to be blamed or feel blamed.
But if we are to have a happy and healthy relationship then we have to shift past our normal defaults and practice a deeper, more loving communication style where both sides aim to find resolution in happiness instead of who is right or wrong.
The final wounded inner child tactic of sabotage on your relationship I want to share today is known as stone walling.
This is where the listener withdraws from the conversation. They shut down and simply stop responding to their partner rather than deal with the issue. They may all of a sudden become very busy with something and use maneuvers such as looking away, moving to a different room, saying they have to get to work, or even doing something as simple as doing the dishes or tapping their foot.
Stone walling is a childish behaviour that many people make use of when they feel extreme discomfort in discussing an issue in the relationship that may be too emotional for them at the time.
I had an intimate relationship for years just like this. My partner then, consistently would stone wall any issue. He would just act as though I did not exist anymore. In order for me to be seen by him, I would have to literally grovel and ask for forgiveness for what he perceived I did wrong and he would sit with a stone face and finally say, “Don’t worry about it.”
But that was just a lead into more stone walling.
Where he would tell me not to worry, to forget it.
What he wanted was for me to FIX MY EVIL WAYS.
Although, as it is in many instances in relationship, there was nothing to fix, or the things he was hurt about he had no idea what I could do to make better or right, just leaving me with the statement,
” You know what you did, you know what I want.”
The issue was that all I knew is that I did not like the feeling of being cast out.
I was asking for direction and wanted to do my part, but did not know what he needed from me to make it right.
And sometimes he was mad at me about what others had done, or his perception of events and was upset that he had been triggered but did not know himself what to do.
His path as a child was to coil up and hide.
To become aloof.
Separate as best he could from his pain.
And he brought this pattern to our relationship which in turn triggered my fear of abandonment.
My daddy issues about not being good enough or getting it right and a desire to please him at almost all cost.
So much so, like I did when my dad got upset with me and pulled away, I found myself in this unhealthy relationship acting the same and shrinking into my wounded child to meet his wounded child and we danced together in seperation.
Until one day, like any of these behaviours will lead to if used repeatedly and unconsciously from that sabotaging inner child state, we seperated.
 
A healthy format might have been to say,
“I am really emotional and upset about this right now. I don’t feel safe discussing it and need time to think and calm down. Can we talk later?”
 
Feel the difference from the stone walling?
I do.
And that is why I share this article today with you.
I see these behaviours being used frequently.
We are all guilty of them at different times, and if you think you are not,
THINK AGAIN.
Because you are human and wounded.
These are typical patterns of relating.
However, as we emotionally mature it is our responsibility to own our emotions and feelings, thus our actions and recognize our thoughts that lead to them.
Acting from an emotional mature space means that we as adults in a loving relationship will want to deal with any problem that arises and work through it right away. Where that inner child will choose one or more of these patterns and make excuses, point fingers and avoid.
The inner child will find themselves revisiting the wounds and fear,
sabotaging and recreating the history they did not enjoy living through in their once loving relationship of today.
Just something to ponder on this Friday.
As Always,
Loving you from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

I CONTEMPLATE DEATH FREQUENTLY… AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT LIFE, LOVE, PLEASURE AND JOY BECAUSE OF IT.

🧐☠️🤯I CONTEMPLATE DEATH FREQUENTLY… AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT LIFE, LOVE, PLEASURE AND JOY BECAUSE OF IT. 🤯💀☠️
“Nothing is permanent.”
There are few things that we can be certain of in our life experience.
Those being:
👉Change.
👉Suffering.
👉Death.
And THAT is all you get!
That is what life offers you my love.
Anything else is for your molding.
It’s very zen of me to focus on death and suffering in truth.
Life is truly about suffering and how we choose to deal with it.
Suffering is not really a bad thing, I say that from my deepest heart space. Suffering brings with it the birth of desire. It creates in its wake the contrast needed for us to learn who we are and what we want to experience in life.
Life is a wild ride and God/universe is its reign holder.
But you my sweet are equally in charge of the way that your life moves. And you do so by accepting that the above three guarantees are just that – 👊GUARANTEES. 👊
From there you get to choose how you will live your life.
And the sad reality is that so many of us humans choose poorly. 😢
Now, don’t let this share today rain on your parade by any means.
It’s actually a share of sunshine, rainbows and unicorns farting glitter dust everywhere. 🤣🧚‍♀️🦄
I find myself contemplating death frequently when I look with depth into my relationship with my man.
Never before have I feared this space of transition, ending, death.
I have never walked into an intimate relationship thinking to myself, “Wow, I better really practice detachment here. This man holds me to a level of my soul that I have always dreamt of but never anticipated to manifest. I fear losing him.”
And that is the truth.
🥰”I FEAR LOSING THIS LOVE.”🥰
I do not fear him leaving me.
I do not fear my saying goodbye.
I do not fear the passing of our love into something that is no longer love, HOWEVER I do respect the reality that someday,
and in my book all too soon, because a thousand years is not long enough to wake in his arms, that we will have to say goodbye to the physical that we know so well and find comfort in.
Life has taught me much about suffering and loss.
From the loss of my parents, the loss of siblings and dear friends.
From the edge of the sword with my grandson and his heart transplant to the loss of financial security, business, health, safety and love.
👉Life has revealed its cruelty and beauty all in the same.
The blessings within the fear. 👈
And what I am certain of is that until we humans fear with respect death, change, and suffering for the blessing that it is we find ourselves never truly living.
We avoid living to our fullest and allowing ourselves to be ravished by life, because we fear these things I share here.
We stand aloof in our hearts and souls, armoured and protected at our gates worrying about a future that we are preventing by staying unattached from the greatest experiences life has to offer.
We run from these blessings by some psychotic idea that we can control life and its outcome.
Which is the same for every living thing on this planet.
Death. ☠️
And by doing so we armour ourselves and hide in our suffering instead of embracing it.
We avoid what we deem bad or evil.
Crap luck.
We drink ourselves into blindness.
We hide under the covers of drugs and medicines.
We harbour our hearts with dis-ease and scarcity.
And we point our fingers outward and blame.
Blame life for these evils and pain that we experience.
Ignoring what we are being blessed with altogether.
The beauty of the opportunity to live fully.
We are fearful that God/universe will come and steal it all away from us if we allow ourselves to be fully immersed into everything sacred, beautiful, yummy and good.
Yet this my love is the sacred romance from God/universe.
This is God courting us into the deepest levels of who we really are and our desires.
We deny our truth and desire for living unbound, fulfilled and in rapture by being irresponsible with the blessings that are bestowed upon us in the blessings of suffering, change and death.
We focus so much on losing, that we step away from our present blessings of love, joy, happiness, fulfillment to focus on what is inevitable.
All things transform. Nothing is permanent.
At first in my relationship with my partner, I avoided my heart.
I spoke non-truths and attempted to hide my heart and soul from him and myself so that I would not feel pain again. I knew at my core that he was what I had been waiting for. I knew that we were deeply bonded as though we had already been soul-merged for a millenia, and it scared me.
I trembled in fear of losing him before we ever became intimate.
I feared him turning away from me, from God snagging him out of my life long before we dated. Long before I admitted my heart to myself I feared the loss. And I did everything in my earthly power to armour against him, to hide myself from the love and connection.
I ran.
And then when we stepped down the path of couple-hood, I still tested the waters of arguing with my soul.
Hiding and not allowing myself the permission to breathe him in.
To feel this love.
Still some days, I wake in fear.
And I want to run because I do not want to experience the pain.
The emptiness.
I fear my heart being torn right out of my body.
At the thought of losing him.
And then I come back home to him and I.
I bring my attention into the present.
And I allow myself to fully be immersed into the NOW.
I stop the worry, the fear, the agonizing over what will certainly come in our distant goodbye of this physical AND instead I breathe into us here and now.
I share this with you today, because I see many people suffering without any end in sight.
I see so many couples agonizing over the things that they have no control over and the fact that they desire control over the natural cycles of life and love.
I see so many couples and singles alike ignoring the beauty of their lives.
The depth of their relationships and sex.
I witness so many dynamic souls hiding from living the abundance and glory that they were born to live and instead pursuing fear and pain.
🤯YOU WERE BORN TO BE RIPPED OPEN BY LIFE AND LOVE!
That is your sole purpose.
You are not to be tamed by life.
You are not to be safe in life.
You are not to be harboured up and feel nothing, detached from your heart and soul.
NO my love, you are here to feel.
To experience.
To transform.
And if you can understand this truth today,
you will meet me in the garden of death and appreciate your NOW.
Because that is all any of us ever have.
👉The NOW.👈
And you are missing it and all its rapture of love, joy, abundance and pleasure that it offers because you are looking so far into the future and fearing what will come for all of us.
☠My take on the lessons of contemplation of this subject is that I would rather die knowing that I have lost myself in the full immersion of loving completely (body, mind, heart and soul) than to continue to hide myself from it.
☠I would rather embrace life and all its wonders and joys by knowing that I have shared every breath of my soul experience in the way that feels most aligned at my core then to blame the world and life for the shortcomings that are not really such but instead opportunities to expand and grow.
☠In looking at life, I see that there really is nothing to fear but fear itself as the saying goes. God is a wild God, a creator of dramatic experiences that birth us into all that we are meant to become.
And if we are to gain every blessing we can in our lives then we must have faith and lean all the way into such beauty as intimate love and commitment of our souls with another that we know at a soul level like no other.
We must stop the insanity of getting caught up in our futures that are never coming and instead Awaken to our present.
Embrace joy, pleasure, love, abundance.
And dance in our shattering, our rapture, our birth.🦄🥰🥳
Because that is exactly what uniting at a soul level with another is.
Are you ready my love for this beauty?
Ask yourself today:
👉🥰👉”What aspect of your love story do you fear will be taken away by life if you give yourself permission to fully immerse into it and receive?”
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

SOULMATE INTIMACY BREEDS TERRITORIALISM AND PROTECTION.

 

😏I WAS NOT GOING TO SHARE THIS PHOTO…😳

 

I was not going to share this photo with you because I took it just for my man. I wanted to keep it intimate and private, for no other’s eyes.

 

You see I took it one morning a few weeks back after he had gone to work. We had enjoyed a most connective weekend together as we usually do and he had worked out in this shirt that I am wearing  the day before.

 

The shirt smelt like him.

I was missing his essence.

I was missing him.

And like I often do in moments like this, I grab this particular shirt of his and wear it all day.

THIS day I wanted him to know that I was taking him everywhere with me. I even wore his sweaty workout shirt to my office to do client appointments….lol

 

AND SO I TOOK THIS PICTURE AND TEXTED IT TO HIM.

 

As you can see, there is nothing to see with this picture.

So outside of the fact that I took it just for him, why would I have an issue sharing this picture until today?

Why would I even be bothered?

 

After all, my business is to be vulnerable with you.

Share details, stories, thought provoking ideas and educate you on soulmate relationships and how to best go about manifesting that deep love, commitment and connection that all of us hunger for.

 

The answer to all of this is in your understanding that until my man walked into my life and made himself known to  my soul, I have never felt a need to protect an intimate relationship before.

I have never felt territorial and protective.

I have never had the thought,

 

🙏”This relationship, this moment is sacred to my soul and must be cherished and protected.”🙏

 

I have been an open book for the most part about my marriage of almost 20 years, my divorce, my affair in that marriage, the rape that I expereinced, the open relationship that followed that marriage and all the men that I have dated and explored. I have taught classes on open/poly style relationships, I have taught on “living the orgasmic life” and how important transparency and freedom is. I have shared all of myself with my followers at this level and those that I have worked with over the last almost two decades.

 

And now I share my heart and soul about truly being elevated by a soulmate love like I never thought was possible. I had read about it.

Heard about it in the many spiritual books and studies through the years that I had done and I craved it with every fiber of my being.

 

Craved it so much so,

that I attempted to believe that I had it in another and was heartbroken when I discovered how fake that relationship was.

 

And did not believe that it was possible or that I was deserving of it so much so, that I allowed myself to settle into a few relationships that were so out of alignment to my soul that all I can say is that those were insightful lessons of self-discovery that I could never have deliberately searched out.

 

Thank heavens for those rocky relationships and all that I experienced there and learned. Because the reality is that without those relationships and tough lessons about self and soul alignment, without the universe stepping in and breaking things up the way that it did, I would not be aligned to my man today.

 

😳I WOULD HAVE MISSED HIM.😟

 

And in truth, I did miss him…

You see the universe is a strange and humourous place.

Both him and I lived a few times over just blocks from each other as we bounced around the Seattle area doing life there in the same years.

We frequented the same coffee locations and stores.

We might have spoken in a line while waiting on a latte.🤣

 

Then somehow we both found ourselves in Texas.

And we found ourselves in a wound from a relationship.

Both lost in our hearts and souls, armoured up to the point that when we actually met, we did not recognize each other at that deep soul level.

 

The armour was so heavy that we pushed away from each other without recognition or pain, only to go do our own work on self.

 

And this is what we did.

We each worked on ourselves.

Until the work became about us taking the next step to heal together and to drop those guards fully.

And so a few years back we came together as though for the first time. And from the first few meetings our souls began to sing a song to each other about  love, commitment of lifetimes and a deep connection that was entwined through time and space.

 

🙏🥰I found myself in the stillness of moments together looking into his eyes and saying, “YES.”

 

He would chuckle and say be careful what you say yes to.

And I would just respond with that was from my soul.

My soul wants you to know that I am a yes. 🙏🥰

 

I KNEW WHAT I WAS SAYING YES TO…

IT WAS YES TO UNITING WITH HIM FULLY.

GOING ALL IN.

 

I could feel the collapse of thousands of years upon us, melding us together and the knowing that still stirs through my core today each moment is brilliantly delicious and confirming.

 

Now my outside world is readjusting to my heart and soul.

There is much cleanup and repairs that are unway in my business life, my friendships, my family and even shadows that lurk from my past. All that learning about self, those lessons that had to be given, they all bare with them a weight that is being purged.

Almost as karmic debt from a millennia is being wiped away as he and I go deeper.

 

Standing here in the light of all this love, basking in the reality that we are together and that this sacredness that I feel is precious beyond measure.

 

Bringing with it the desire to protect.

The need to consistently make a stand against the shadows that arise and try to steal the brilliance, the love, the connection.

 

My thought this morning while walking, hand in hand with him,

This is an intimacy.

 

And intimacy by definition is about a depth in vulnerability, openness and connection that can only be developed to its fullness when both parties are merged spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

 

As history reveals, such a sacredness in anything is often under attack. We humans as much as we hunger for love, connection, sacredness, our soulmates or anything that feels of the divine nature, we also have urges to destroy and cause chaos when we witness others than ourselves enjoying these delicacies of life.

 

There is a recognition that we have to have in relationships or anything that we are striving for and believe that we have encountered. This is the recognition of territorialism vs. jealousy.

and protection vs. control.

 

👉One is from soul, the other from ego. 👈

 

By doing the inner work on self and aligning to your truth, to your core you will be able to identify with greater ease which you are operating from.

You will feel and witness your inner realms and be able to address if you are just trying to control, please, manage, manipulate or avoid.

OR if you are addressing issues, shadows and maskings that have covered you for years and karmic debts that must be washed away in order for the union with such a sacred relationship to manifest and become rock solid.

 

However THIS my beautiful reader requires your desire to step forth in courage and meet yourself.

To see yourself in all your shadows and light.

To embrace your inner demons and your past, even finding gratitude for all the unpleasantries that you have experienced.

You must capture your truth.

And the only way to do this is to dive deep into who you are at your soul’s core.

 

From here…

you elevate yourself in love and thus call in your soulmate.

Ready to and able to see you.

 

Want to learn more on how to call in your soulmate love and unite with self at this depth so you too can heal, gain life fulfillment and find that joy that you crave?

 

Reach out to me today in the comments to find out more.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

WHY WOMEN KEEP MEN IN ORBIT.

 

WHY WOMEN KEEP MEN IN ORBIT.

 

We women are like Saturn. 

We have many moons in our orbit and these moons (although not 82 like Saturn most likely) are men. They are the men of our past. They are our male friends. They are our work husbands. 

They are the men that we count as family even though they are not family. They are the men, the men that make us feel some way, give us something that our partner cannot. 

 

Whether we admit it or not, almost every woman has a man or two if not ten in orbit. 

And we count these orbiting men as innocent. 

We do not see them as a threat because we can manage the relationship. 

We believe that they can hold the boundary that we have placed and that they are good with exactly where we have put them. 

Or, we simply are blind to the reality that the majority of the time, men only will orbit because they are hoping that our gravitational pull changes and draws them in closer to us for whatever reason. 

 

A single woman keeps multiple men in her orbit for any reason from friendship, to safety, to having someone to help out financially or with a tire that needs changing. She may keep a guy on the back burner just in case she wants some drama free sex or needs a plus one for a work event. The reasons are endless, however the men that get to be in her orbit are there for a reason.

 

A coupled woman, although less likely to have as many men in orbit, still often have a few under the guise of friendship. Often a coupled woman will have her male friend at work and jokingly refer to him as her work husband, she can rely on him for many things and of course it is all needed to keep her sanity and job security. They are a team. It is innocent. She may also have friends or “extended family” that are men that hang out and are typically supportive in the mental and emotional fields for her, perhaps old friends from college or roommates. There have always been boundaries or if there were ever more intimate matters at hand, it was a thing of the past and has no impact on her couplehood.  

 

So we women, with all of our reasons blindly and sometimes not so blindly keep men in our orbit for reasons that we can only understand and justify. Believing that our boundaries that we have said will maintain the container that we desire or at least want to paint the image of that we desire.

 

Reality is that ALL of these guys somehow feed us. 

 

They feed us what we are lacking in our lives, single or coupled.

They provide us with outlets, support, engagement, turn on that we are not getting from the man that we are partnered with or our life. 

 

And so, the true question for many women is how many men does it take to make up the perfect man?

 

Because we know that we cannot have it all in one package. 

We do not trust that it is possible. 

And our relationships of past and perhaps even current reveal to us the very truth of this. 

 

Believing that we can maintain the situation, we disregard what we are actually doing to these men that orbit us. 

 

We are giving them hope.

Hope that a door will crack open. 

Hope that they will have an opportunity to be the knight in shining armour in some capacity to come in and save us, support us, help us, fix it for us or just hold space. 

That our partner cannot fulfill.

 

And so we see no harm as women to sit down to coffee or lunch with our male friend that we dated back in college who is still single or has a relationship that he complains about the disconnect in. 

 

We believe that if we confirm our love for our partner, or that we are in a serious relationship that our male friend will respect it and not have hope. He more than likely will respect it, but in the back of his mind he will be saying, 

 

“Yeah, yeah… you might be happy and committed but here you are with me and where is your man now? If you are that fulfilled, that satisfied then why are you confiding in me? Why are you flirting with me? Why? Why? Why?”

 

You see no matter how badly we humans desire to be this evolved people, that can move past the physical desires, the primal natures… the truth is that we are all still primal at our core and we operate at a deep psychological and emotional level from this primal state. 

 

We desire sex. 

We desire power.

We desire connection.

We desire control. 

And we are territorial. 

 

The thing with that territorial nature is that the way to gain territory is to take over the lands of another. This is how you conquer. 

 

The best takeovers are always done through patience, right in front of the face of your enemy and almost with their approval and support. 

 

When a woman starts to rely on her male friends for more and more support, when she sees how he is always there for her, how he listens and supports, her heart opens to him and she gains trust in him. She has respect for him because he has been holding the boundaries and she believes that she can trust him. 

 

As beautiful as that sounds it is the perfect breeding ground for a slow and precise takeover. 

Ripe for the taking at the first opportunity of a door opening. 

And the woman willingly will open that gateway. 

 

The gravitational pull will quickly shift in the friend’s favor.

 

So what is a woman to do?

What is a man in a relationship with a woman with these moons in orbit supposed to do?

 

The first thing is to be aware and to not allow blindness out of fear of losing the friendships. 

Be aware and communicate authentic truth with your partner. 

 

Discuss the concerns. 

 

Ladies, get real with yourselves about what is lacking in your relationship or life that you feel is being fulfilled from the relationships with the masculine that your man cannot give you. This Is a scary thing to consider, and no one person can ever be expected to fulfill every need of another, however if we do not get clarity around what is missing or has never been then we put ourselves and our relationships at risk of massive pain and suffering, even potential failure.

 

Many women proclaim that  they don’t trust other women. 

That they have always gotten along better with men than women. 

That they are a tomboy, raised with brothers, etc. etc. and that guys understand them better. 

Personally, I understand this very well and fall under these categories.

That said, awareness is key. 

Truth is key. 

Communication is everything. 

And checking in with what relationship holds priority at any given time is vital to relationship success.

 

Going within and exploring what you are wanting and desiring, what is best for you and your commitments and being honest with yourself that men no matter how trusted a friend they are have a reason as to why they choose to remain in our orbit. 

 

And it is more than likely in hope of being pulled into our atmosphere. 

 

*Please note that this musing is written based on a majority perspective and of course understands that not all male/female relationships are rooted in sexual attraction or hopes.

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

 

STOP BEING A SLAVE TO YOUR ENERGETIC CONNECTIONS & FEELINGS…

STOP BEING A SLAVE TO YOUR ENERGETIC CONNECTIONS & FEELINGS…

 

Today’s world of woke and consciously aware, has a slew of us hyper focused even more than normal on  our “feelings and energy.”

 

As wonderful as this is in the evolution of humankind, it has it’s down side as well. 

I hear often and have even been guilty all too frequently of saying myself, “ I felt this connection.” – “There is just something there.” – “This ‘feels’ so juicy, good, in alignment.”

 

Quickly follow that statement up with, “I am just going to follow that juicy, good, yum feeling because it must be there for a reason.”

 

Fearful that if one does not follow the feeling, the energetic connection that some loss might happen. That it may be a mistake to not explore those waters, after all an awake, conscious soul feels into things and then acts from there. 

 

Yes, exactly!

 

Feels in and THEN ACTS FROM THERE.

Not, feels in and must follow the feeling into the action of saying yes to the “vibe.”

 

This makes us slaves to such connections. 

It makes us blind to possible outcomes that may not be in our best interest and takes away critical thinking that most certainly has its place to keep us aligned to what we ultimately want in life. 

 

We women are especially guilty of the above. 

We often believe things to be innocent or a sign from the universe or God, that we blindly throw ourselves, our lives, our goals, our boundaries and whatever else in the crossfire with all the best intent of just expanding ourselves, thinking the best of people and following our hearts. 

Now I am the last person to ever say,
Don’t listen to your heart.. 

I believe that the issue often is that we are NOT listening to our heart, to our soul and THAT is what creates these moments of “following the energetic connection” to begin with. We say it must be here for a reason, but how are we to know if it is in true alignment with us if we are so far away from ourselves because of our past inability to state what our needs, desires, wants, boundaries are to begin with? What if we “think” we know ourselves but only keep landing ourselves in a pile of crud because in truth we have no business following such energetic connections because they are actually out of alignment and only feel good because they feel better then what we have in our current lives in whatever category? 

 

I spent this weekend having some deep discussions around this very topic. 

And in my share about my past, many many moons back ( like 22 annual cycles back), when I was in a bad marriage, lost in who I was, but could not see that lostness and did not have the tools to recognize just how out at sea without a paddle I was, I had an affair. The shame of then still resides in me today and comes up every now and then, such as in my conversation this weekend. 

 

Back then, I was attempting to speak my supposed truth. 

I was attempting to say what I needed. 

I was attempting to show my fear and pain. 

I was attempting to ask for my needs and boundaries to be met. 

And I was failing miserably at it. 

In my blindness I was numb to life and to certain “in my face things” that I just brushed off as innocent. And because my husband did not argue with me on the innocence nor stand to fight  for me, I assumed that there was no worry. Blend that with the emptiness and disconnect that had formed from being in a marriage that was not healthy in any fashion and daily stress of motherhood, being broke off my rear, and not feeling safe or loved a space for desire was birthed. And as is always the case, when something is missing for a long enough timeline and it is not recognized, desire calls into it an opportunity to be fed. 

 

In my case…

An affair.

 

For years, I supported myself by saying that I just followed the energy. 

That I did not know how or what to do with the advances. 

That it felt so alive to be acting in that energy of playful flirtiness (and for a long period that is all it was, innocent right?…lol)

I felt like a helpless slave to these feelings. 

These callings that made me FEEL.

Which is what I was craving. 

To feel loved. To feel wanted. To feel supported. To feel cherished. To feel playful. To feel alive!

If I had only recognized that this desire to feel was the root. 

Then maybe I could have been more objective about how to go about feeling alive again and not make the choice to cheat on my husband, but to see that there was a massive void in my marriage and instead to do the work and make the requests that could have either changed the relationship or opened up the reality that the marriage was not healthy and may have served its contract. Therefore instead of creating a space for shame and guilt, trauma on both of us, I could have freed us from the relationship to go on and have healthier ones with more aligned souls then we were for each other. 

 

But I was blind to my own unalignment to self. 

Therefore a slave to what I believed was a feeling or energetic connection guiding me toward something better.

 

Granted I do not condemn self or others for falling prey to our blindness. 

All decisions somehow in the end lead us to growth and coming home to self IF WE ALLOW them too and wake up and do our own inner work. However that is what is required, waking up and choosing to see that just because we have a whim, a feeling, a supposed connection, crap even if we get struck by lightning to at very least pause and ask ourselves, “How does this action of following this feeling, energetic connection or vibe support my long term happiness, goals, relationship?”

 

Does it align with what I truly desire and who I want to be?

 

If I had slowed down back then to ask myself this I would have known even in my numbness, my desire to feel alive and loved, my blindness and belief that it was there for my best good that the choice that was about to make had lifelong implications and although it may carry its moment of beauty and lessons, they came with a price that I work to repay for the rest of my years. Not to my then husband or even to God, but to myself. 

 

I created more work for myself by pretending to be a slave to my feelings and a victim to the energy and desire then what was needed for me and I turned a corner with that one action, that one false yes that carried with it a ripple impact of decisions to come. 

 

And so, I ask you today…

Man or woman…

Where are you allowing yourself to be a victim, a slave to the “woke concept of following your feeling and the energy at all cost and what price are you willing to pay for continuing to be blind to you and what your true alignment to soul is saying?”

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers

 

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

Photo Credit To Dande Lion Images, Plano Texas.

 

 

LOVE BOMBING + GASLIGHTING = NARCISSISM.

 

LOVE BOMBING + GASLIGHTING = NARCISSISM.
What we may perceive as romance, or sweet gestures to share how much someone is into us or wants to honor us might actually be signs that they are narcissists.
Yep, you read that right.
But, Kendal, a narcissist, does not give a rats rear end about anybody but themselves. They are self-centered and stuck in the ME, ME,ME way of existing and they have the mentality that everyone should feel the same way about them. They have zero to no empathy or concern about others so WHY would they romance me, or do an obscene amount of kind gestures?
It is true that the word narcissist comes from the tale from Greek mythology about a young man named Narcissus who fell in love with his reflection in a pond. However, a true narcissist’s nature is to guarantee that you provide them what they need. Which is worthiness, love, adoration and to be the center of your attention.
THEY NEED YOU TO SEE THEM.
Because the reflection is not enough.
Because it is not fulfilling.
And they have an inflated ego, and as is the case with inflated egos or anything, there must be something to support and keep the inflation there or it will lose its luster.
The narcissist, typically subconsciously goes about trying to achieve the love needed from others because they do not know how to love themselves fully and are too empty to even understand what they could do to feel complete without the manipulation of others.
In their pursuit to gain your attention and be center stage, they believe that they have to first show you what you would be missing if they were not there. So they try to swoon you in an attempt to win you over. They come on hot and heavy often with what is referred to as love bombing. And throughout the relationship, when you wake up to some of your senses and start to question why you feel so drained and out of balance in life, they will quickly swoop back in with some love bombs to further confuse you.
Because you see the BIGGEST characteristic of a true narcissist is not the lack of empathy, however that is a major player, but it is the game of manipulation and gaslighting. Consistently making you feel off balance and question yourself.
There are many ways that narcissists go about confusing their prey but for today’s topic I want to address the term, “LOVE BOMBING,” as it makes being in a relationship with a narcissist ever so difficult to leave.
Narcissists are typically pretty intelligent, they are good at reading you. They can pick up on when you are starting to pay attention to the manipulations and seeing them for what they really are and in these moments they will, “Love Bomb,” you so your heart goes all a flutter and you you believe that they were just having a bad week at work, it was family trouble, health issues, their hormones, stress of one nature or another or just simply a miscommunication. They will have you believing in no time, or at least contemplating that perhaps it was not them, but instead you that was seeing things and acting out of place.
They do this through gaslighting, as they are masters of it.
What is gaslighting you may ask. Its something we hear so much about in today’s world, its a keyword for sure to be searched on, but here is the basic breakdown to assist you in recognizing your happy love bombing narcissist in action through gaslighting. Realize that these things will most likely occur with flowers , wine, a beautiful dinner or trip that was unexpected, or just snuggling on the couch or chatting where you believe that you are being heard and seen by them but in truth, the stage is only getting set for them to make you question reality.
🤯5 SIGNS OF GASLIGHTING NARCISSISTS ARE MASTERS OF
1.They tell blatant lies, they may say it was a white lie, a lie of omission or even that you misconstrued their words or the event, but it’s still all the same.
2.Deny they said or did it, EVEN THOUGH there is evidence. Yes they will go to the grave telling you it is not so and that you are mistaken. They will attempt guilt, pity, shame and anything that they can to make you believe differently than the evidence right before your eye’s.
3.They will use what is near and dear to you as ammo against you. They are masters at playing take away. If you don’t see it their way then they will take their ball or yours for that matter home with them and give you the space that you are asking for, see how much they care? They will also attempt to sabotage you through people close to you by talking smack, sharing secrets and revealing their “concern” for you as though they are wanting to help when in fact they are just setting a stage for you to look and feel crazy.
4.They wear you down over time. THIS is possibly one of the most used and overt things that a narcissist does. How they go about wearing you down comes back to the love bombing, and the using what is near and dear to you as ammo. They are patient MFers and they will just sit and wait for their prey to forget all the “stuff” back there that they were manipulating. Understanding that time has a way to get us to not see clearly and forget the details that were getting them busted.
5. They throw in positive reinforcement! (AKA Love Bombing) and empathy, support, caring, being kind, being sweet, giving space, etc. And they do this as a way to confuse you. They understand that confusion weakens people. So they will love bomb you as well as gain positive reinforcement from others who they have aligned with them in “concern” for you. That is where you will hear such statements as, “ You are overreacting or are crazy.” – “They will tell you that everyone else is lying to you and that they are not liked by the others in your life, that’s why these things are being said/done and the reason youa re feelingthe way you are.” – They will reach out to those they have been aligning with to get them to support these things and further question yourself.
What is love bombing you may wonder?
10 SIGNS YOU ARE BEING LOVE BOMBED BY A NARCISSIST
👉They lavish you with gifts. Yes, that is correct. They will be excessive, they will buy jewelry, trips, the finests of fine and work hard to impress you. Which as a stand alone is nothing to fear, and can just be romance from a partner that wants to honor and adorn you, show their appreciation and love and share beautiful experiences with you. However, the love bomb narcissist will do this pretty much out the gates to win you over and not try and get to know you as much as win you. UNTIL – You don’t give thanks and appreciation the way they deem fit, then they will take their lavish gifts home with them and remove evidence of them as it will cause them too much pain to have the memories..
👉Compliment rich! Never without telling you how great you are, beautiful, smart or awesome. The love bomb narcissist will feed off of the understanding that we all can use a pat on the back, appreciation, applauds and a pick me up. The love bomb narcissist cannot help themselves. You can do no wrong and make no error with this soul. -UNTIL you do, and then you don’t care about them and you have misconstrued everything. Then the tides will tip.
👉Bombard you with calls and texts. Or love letters or letters of appreciation. Again we all want and need communication, connection, and support, however the love bombing narcissist will give it in excess and expect it to come back the same. After all, they are doing it out of love and concern for you and the support of the relationship, so if you do not hold up your side of the excessive “communication & appreciation” then you are the one who is being selfish.
👉They want your undivided attention. Love bombing narcissists HAVE TO BE THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD. They will find competition with all other relationships that you have in your life. And they will assure you that they are not competing, but are just wanting connection. They will find drama or create drama to make sure that your focus is on them at all cost. If you are not giving them the adequate amount of your mental, emotional and physical time then they take this as a sign that you do not care and that YOU are the one suffering from a lack of empathy, no matter what is going on in your life and world, they are the most important thing in it.
👉They try to convince you that you are a soulmate. I love this one. I have been “the one” and had a “stream of consciousness” supposedly with so many people that I think that my eyes might be stuck in the back of my head from all of my eye rolling. Seriously though, the love bombing narcissist is INSISTENT AF that there is a unique and special connection between you and them and they are willing to go to the greatest of measures to prove it. So just do yourself a favor and start feeling it like they do, why don’t you. ( Know that in true soulmate connections or where you feel that you are on the same wavelength with another in emotion, thought and intention that both parties will feel and think this and there is zero need to convince or point to things to make it obvious, you just know. Never allow someone to tell you how connected you are to them if you don’t feel that connection yourself.)
👉They want your commitment & they want it NOW! Love bombing narcissists demand your loyalty and commitment, they want to know that you are there for them and they will tell you all the ways they have your back. This will show early on in a relationship and only grow stronger in the demands for you to commit the way they desire for you to show up as the relationship progresses. There is no conversation about what your style or needs around commitment is. It’s only what they deem right.
👉They get highly upset when you place boundaries. This is a big sign of a narcissist in general. If you want to see a narcissist go stir crazy, act pathetic, and wounded like you cannot imagine and even become deathly ill, or literally get mad AF and have a manic break, set your boundaries and they will tell you how wishy washy you are, how they don’t understand you, and how you must really be going through things because this just came out of nowhere. They will attempt to make you believe that your boundaries somehow are causing them all their pain and suffering and that you “should” reconsider your actions if you REALLY cared about them.
👉They are overly needy. We hear about how needy narcissists are, well the love bombing narcissist is even more excessive in their need for emotional support and physical time spent with them. They are what you might refer to as “high maintenance” and may even appear as though they have an anxious love attachment style.
👉You may feel overwhelmed by their intensity. Love bomb! Love bomb! Pay attention to ME, ME, ME. Are you mad at me? What’s wrong? Here I thought you could use this. Yes, all of these things and the constant demand on your time and energy may cause you to feel overwhelmed. No relationship of any definition should require you to feel overwhelmed and exhausted or have you questioning your own sanity (unless the person is actually deathly ill and needing constant support, this is not a reasonable expectation in a relationship).
👉You will feel out of balance and unsorted. Love bombing narcissists and narcissists in general drain you of your vitality. They make you question who you are, what you are doing and feeling and this tends to leave you in a state of feeling lost in yourself, empty and unbalanced. You may have trouble focusing, getting your work done, setting goals, sleeping or just decompressing because the demands from the narcissist relationship never feel to let up.
So all of this and for what?
So that they feel worthy and lovable.
Yes, the narcissist at the end of the day is the saddest one in the relationship, because they are a soul who cannot find peace and love from within and believes that these things can only come from outside of themselves. As you will someday most likely set the boundaries needed and apply the distance required for your own healing from this relationship, the narcissist will be left starving and dependent to find yet another to prey on so they can see the beauty in their reflection once again.
For they believe that the image they see cannot be true without another seeing it as well.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn what makes you available for the narcissist relationship and how you can overcome calling them in? Discover how you can recover your heart from these relationships and how to see the writing on the wall before you enter a potential new one. DFW peeps explore my June 5th workshop on these topics and for a more comprehensive healing and coaching ask me about my 1:1 around thi dating and relationship epidemic now.
Photo credit DandelionImages

DON’T LET LIFE GASLIGHT YOU FROM YOUR TRUTH.

 

I REMEMBER TAKING THIS PICTURE WITH MY DOG RUDDY… I HAD JUST TURNED 16.

 

The year was 1992.

It was autumn, my favorite season and I was madly in love with a boy. I got my mom to take this picture of me to send a hard copy  (yeah no texting or email back then) it was snail mail… to my boyfriend who was in boot camp.

We wrote to each other daily.

Hating to be apart, however, the game plan was that he served four years and that would get him the college he wanted plus provide us housing, loans and opportunities once I was of legal age.

I had freshly graduated high school myself, and was working at my mothers clothing store in a small Northern California town that I call home, Chico. Under her thumb I listened to her daily fearfully warn me of his ill intentions. Telling me about how he was most likely cheating on me, running around with his buddies and doing who knows what. She warned me that he would abandon me like my father had abandoned us. Her anger for the masculine was obvious and yet I listened, wanting to know her thoughts but not feeling in alignment with them at my core.

I believed differently.

I trusted him.

I loved him.

And we had plans together.

 

My mother, bless her resting soul, I know had the best desires for me, however through the course of time she managed to teach me one very unuseful thing.

 

TO NOT TRUST MY HEART.

 

Her rampage about my boyfriend often ended with her anger and bitterness toward my father. I would and still do recall her many tales to me of how she hated being married, how she felt controlled but that was the bed she had to be in. She proclaimed her status as a victim to life and to the relationship and she shared openly her pains about it with myself from the youngest of ages. I was forever her sounding board. Although her desires for my life were most likely set in love, they did bare with them the idea that I was going to be used without choice by the masculine and to NOT trust men at all cost. Try as I might to ignore her feelings and beliefs and hold firm to my own, they did manage to seep into my psyche and have caused me much pain through my adult years.

 

Because you see, my mothers fears and experiences ended up laying the foundation to me doing what I felt I “had or should” do in life and relationships instead of following my intuition and heart or soul. As a young adult, I had no idea that I was in as much control of the outcomes of my life as I understand now. I believed that I was a victim to what life handed me and that I had to make the most “logical or smart” choices for my survival as I could.

And so, I got married to a man a decade my senior at 18. I had babies. I worked a job. I focused on setting up the house that appeared “normal and expected of me” and I was unhappy to my core.

 

I did not chase the boy who held my heart at that time.

I let him go, believing that he had abandoned me just like my mother predicted.  And because life tends to give us what we expect, he did walk away from me. Or run from the wrath of my mother, but that’s a different tale for another day.

 

My mom was so happy the day I got married.

She was ecstatic the day I gave birth to my eldest child, a daughter.

I recall her tears on both events and her grabbing me with sheer delight.

 

I wanted to make my mom proud.

I wanted to be different from other teenagers and young adults.

I knew I was intelligent and a self-learner.

I knew that I was pretty logical and sound in my reason,

that I was wise beyond my years.

After all, adults much older than I told me so often.

And perhaps I was.

But I wanted to do right.

And with the learning that my mother taught me to NOT TRUST MY HEART, but instead listen to only my mind and always make the smart play, I opened the gateway to listening to others, especially my husband. 

I knew that my heart was unreliable.

It would do nothing but get me into trouble.

 

So when he would tell me that I was thinking, doing or acting a certain way because of……

Or that what I really wanted was….

Or that I would just enjoy this or that if I allowed myself…

Because he knew, I tended to believe him even though it felt off inside my body and heart.

 

Fast forward a few decades, My second long term relationship with a man ended with him telling me that maybe I just did not know how to be happy and did not know what  love really was.

This man too also told me how I felt, why I felt this way and what I was thinking.

 

Both managed to get me to question my own reasoning, my feelings,my emotions, my actions and thoughts and they were strongly supported in their efforts to lead me on the best course of life by my mothers teachings of don’t listen to your heart but instead make the smartest play for your survival.

 

Neither relationship fulfilled me.

Neither relationship felt right.

Neither relationship was based in love,

they were based in mind.

 

And both relationships were guilty of gaslighting.

They both acted not in my best interest or even the best for the family, but instead acted according to the best interest in my partners desires, needs and ego. Whether that be sexually, business, moving houses, friendships, child rearing or what I did with my spare time or how I showed up as a partner.

What they wanted mattered more than what was right for me.

And I spent a ton of my adult years believing that this was the only way.

 

WOW! Was I ever wrong?

One day I discovered something different.

One day a spiritual teacher of mine confronted me on my allowance of such events and why I was choosing to ignore my greatest gift.

 

My GPS system to my soul, to life and to my power.

This teacher then spent a few years helping me transform my debilitating beliefs and showed me that the things that I feared were nothing to fear if I (get this…) listened to my heart and intuition. Through trial and error in learning myself again and coming home to ME, I rediscovered my path.

 

My power as a soul living a human experience and a co-creator of my life.

 

I found true connection with a partner where I feel certain in revealing myself and am not afraid to challenge him when I feel my soul and heart are not being heard.

 

I have discovered that I can show up just as I am and not need to sacrifice anything of myself to have that love based connection, nor feel safe and be able to trust and surrender in the relationship.

 

I have discovered that this coming home to my heart and soul,

the listening to my intuitions which at my core I have always known to be true, will ONLY GUIDE ME TO MY HIGHEST AND BEST LIFE in all areas.

 

And that is powerful  AF!

 

We adults forget ourselves.

We change the way we transmit things in our brains by not using our creative sides, by ignoring what we feel and our curiosity.

We allow ourselves to create a time loop in our life where every day is groundhog day and we are okay with it because it is comfortable and safe, but we are not happy.

 

Today I challenge you to inquire with the self and to ask “Why am I not happy?” Really allow yourself to dig deep into your heart with this. Move past the ideas and conscripts that you have been taught that THIS IS what happiness is and that it is not okay to not be happy with the lot you have allowed yourself.

 

Ask yourself, “If I truly allowed myself to be/do/have anything that I wanted, how would I be choosing to show up in life, love, relationship right now?”

 

You are worthy of a life that makes you happy.

You are worthy of feeling and knowing that you are powerful.

But you have to first challenge the way you have allowed yourself to be gaslighted in life. Don’t accept that your core, your soul, your heart are faulty and that all that matters is the mind, your feelings about things are gifts from something more than what you believe is you.

 

START THERE.

 

And As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Summer is upon us.

I have many local DFW workshops coming up to help you get educated, transform the way you move through life, let go of anxiety, fear and find your power once more. Reach out to me for deet’s and links on these, and for anyone looking to go deep in the work of YOU let’s chat about 1:1 mentoring where I can share what my master teachers shared with me so many years bacak that awakened me to my power and truth. Message me now for summer specials.

I WANT TO NEED HIM – The Tale of Today’s Feminine Surrender.

I WANT TO NEED HIM.

 

This is a statement that a woman made to me as we were speaking about her couple-hood.

 

As I listened to her tale of desire to want to need her man,

that she believed that this is the way that we were designed,

and that so much of our discontent in relationships and life as well as not knowing ourselves comes from this very belief that we women “should not” need men.

That we are just as good and can balance life without a significant other, I thought to myself,

 

SHE IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

 

Women have burdened themselves with the disease of believing that we don’t need men, that it is a sign of weakness. That we are lower than human if we rely on our male counterparts. Or that if we are relying on them that we are selling ourselves for a lifestyle, for safety.

 

And so many women do, do just this.

They settle into relationships not for soul union, not for love, but for comfort and safety. They look at the man’s resume, not his heart.

 

These women are indeed selling themselves.

They are becoming slaves to a lifestyle and a comfort.

They are not acting from soul or love.

 

And to them I could write a million lines,

but today I am addressing the women who are afraid of being perceived this way.

So much so, that they armour themselves from beautiful relationships, they fight to be seen strong at all cost, they feel weak at the thought of receiving help from their man. They do not know how to be supported by the masculine.

 

I am one of these women.

So I share from the depths of my feminine heart on this topic.

I am one of those women that has a ridiculous time receiving from my man.  I have learned through the years to allow him to open doors, to help grab the groceries, to let him help me in house and home. I have gotten over him not cumming every time we make love or him focusing all his attention on my pleasure and not receiving physically in times.

 

I have learned that  his pleasure sometimes is all about my receiving in our sexual union.

 

I  have learned that he loves to witness me in rapture.

That he feels great pleasure and satisfaction in my bliss.

In what he gives to me.

 

But, when it comes to money.

When it comes to bills.

When it comes to buying the groceries.

Medical things.

Needs.

 

Even if it is a trinket that I have my eye on and he asks me, do you want that? He is ready to purchase it for me. He wants to bring me pleasure. He wants to see me adorned. He wants my happiness.

I know this. But I feel like I am taking from him.

That I should not need this.

That it is not okay.

That he will perceive me as a woman who is there for the financial support.

 

And I am scared to lean on him.

I am scared that he will see me as weak.

As needy.

That my heart and love will be missed some how,

that my truth that  I have only eyes and desire for him will be washed over in some way because he has “helped” me.

 

When in truth, it is not even him helping me.

It is a union.

It is a team.

It is US, supporting the whole together.

And it is my pride that stands in the way of the full union.

It is my pride that screams that I should not need him, all the while my soul feels just like the woman above.

 

I WANT TO NEED HIM.

Because I DO!

 

I need his strong masculine guidance.

His leadership.

His logic.

His foresight.

I need his looks of love and adoration.

I need his tenderness.

His humor.

I need his touch.

I need his heart.

I need him to need me.

 

And I do not look at him as though he is weak for wanting me.

Or for needing me.

I know that he needs my feminine heart,

my emotions and touch.

He needs to see my rapture and my tears so he can fully feel who he is at his depth as well.

 

I know that he wants to need me.

 

We both have lived without each other just fine.

We both have been more than capable of living life and supporting our loved ones, building lives, businesses and we could easily choose to continue to do just that.

 

But the union of the masculine and the feminine when done by soul, is a union of desire to be together because together we are stronger.

Together we feel more.

We heal deeper.

We expand fully.

 

It’s not about money or security.

Although together we thrive all the more as well.

 

It’s not about weakness in coming together.

Or comfort.

 

It’s uncomfortable in truth to be vulnerable and wide open with someone. To have no hold backs.

To feel as though there are no barriers,

nothing you do not want seen or felt.

To want to be witnessed at the deepest levels by your mate,

is uncomfortable AF!

 

There is no hiding here.

And we women, hold back from needing our men deeply,

and wanting to need them,

we in turn tell God/Universe that we don’t need them either.

 

It’s hypocritical of us women to say that we are these brilliant life givers, thus manifestors, creators, powerhouses and to know that we are vessels born to receive and then say NO to receiving because we deem it a weakness because it comes from our man.

 

How are we to ever fully become our greatest selves if we consistently deny our receiving, our pleasure, support, love from the great masculine?

 

No wonder we women are lost. 

No wonder so many of us are bitter, non-orgasmic, always choose the wrong man who lets us down. 

We should expect all of this and know that we have set ourselves up for suffering in love, 

To never feel fully loved or cherished because we are not cherishing ourselves. 

It is through our ability to lean into the masculine, to open our hearts and put down our armour with a man that holds us close and wants to need us as well, who gets that he is our king, our knight, our protector and great lover. That through his honor and ability to carry us deeper into ourselves that we find ourselves. 

 

 

It is my belief, and a belief that “just might” be backed by a few spiritual scriptures and structures out there as well, that we are meant to support each other. The equal yoking of the masculine and feminine. 

 

THE DESIRE TO BE ROMANCED LIES DEEP IN THE HEART OF EVERY WOMAN.

IT IS FOR SUCH THAT YOU WERE MADE.

 

I love this quote by John Eldredge.

 

However, for us to  have that desire manifest, we women must open ourselves to God first, 

We must learn to listen to our hearts, our soul, our intuition. We must then open ourselves and lay down the shields and swords of our wounded little girls and let the conscious masculine hold us. 

Love us. 

See us fully. 

We must be open to needing him. 

And we must want to need him. 

 

It is only through our wanting, 

And our understanding that, that wanting is not a weakness but a powerful space of abundance, flow and love, 

That we gain the opportunity to experience true soul union.

 

Our union with our man mirrors our union with the divine, with God.

The trust we show our mate, 

The surrender, 

The rapture, 

The need, 

The wanting.

 

We captivate our men for a reason.

It is because through us he feels life.

 

And we are lifted by his true heart and desire to serve us.

So if you are a woman like myself who struggles with receiving from the masculine, 

If you feel weak or like you will be misperceived in your wanting of his support, his love, his attention, look no further than your heart. 

Ask your truth there. 

And see him as God.

Wanting your rapture in all of life. 

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

WHEN WE ARE WILLING TO HARM OURSELVES FOR LOVE.

WHEN WE ARE WILLING TO HARM OURSELVES FOR LOVE.
 
Or so we tell ourselves that this is what we are doing.
We say that we would do anything for the one that we love.
We say that we just want them to be happy.
We say that we are willing to put aside our needs, boundaries, wants, etc.
and often we do.
 
Then we sit back and let our love kick us in the gut with what they want.
We sit there watching them doing what they want,
what they “need” and what we agreed to but we question how it is possible for them to be alright with doing whatever it is,
TO US.
 
And what are we really wanting from our lover at this moment?
We are wanting them to put us first.
We are wanting to know that they would do the same for us.
Meaning not that they would offer the same experience back,
but that they would actually sacrifice this “thing” for us.
 
That they see us as enough.
That they desire us, just as is without whatever else they may be wanting.
We want them to see our pain and then not want us to be in it at their hand, so prevent it. Protect us.
 
We want to be the MOST IMPORTANT THING.
And yet we are so often quick to set aside ourselves and allow the space for our mates, our lovers to be themselves. To enjoy what they need and want, to get the healing that they need however they need…
and we do it willinging at the cost of our own self-esteem and respect.
 
Sadly once we humans start to allow our respect and esteem to be stripped away in relationships, we lose ourselves and in doing that we lose the intimacy and connection we once had to self and our partner thus we lose the relationship.
 
How can we expect our partner to respect us if we do not respect ourselves enough to set a healthy boundary and know when we are a NO?
 
So instead…
 
Not wanting to control our love.
Not wanting to be conditional.
Not wanting to appear weak or jealous.
We say yes.
 
A death sentence to most relationships.
Pain and bitterness build up with a sweet smile of fake acceptance and a nod of fake approval.
Our emotional bank accounts go in the red with each pain stabbing event that takes place,
and we wonder over time where the love went?
We wonder why it’s never enough giving and accepting?
We wonder when our pain will come to an end?
 
Or if it ever will.
Believing that we are strong enough to withhold,
we attempt to stand strong and support our partner.
 
But an empty beam has no strength to support anything substantial.
 
In the name of love we exhaust ourselves until we break.
 
THIS is the tale of so many love stories gone wrong.
In working with thousands of couples over the last couple decades I have repeatedly been witness to this traumatic saga.
 
There is hope.
There are solutions.
You can repair the shattered hearts and ego’s.
You can reconnect at a deep soul level and recapture trust and respect in your intimate relationship.
 
But it requires a desire to step out of the comfort and lies you are telling yourself that you are doing this for your love.
 
That this is what love is even.
 
Love is not about sacrificing yourself to the point of no return.
Love is not about denying yourself respect in a relationship.
Love is not about embracing constant pain from your mate.
 
A healthy, harmonious love relationship understands that we are in a relationship to heal at a deeper level.
It understands that we both enter a relationship with baggage and that that baggage will get triggered repeatedly by our mate.
It sees this, accepts this but knows that loving communication that is focused on problem solving NOT being right or understood is key to a successful, happy and soul connected relationship.
It knows that saying yes when we are a no of any level, will do more damage than good.
 
It does not play games of take away,
it does not hide from its truth or from confrontation.
It comes to the relationship wanting to connect deeper,
to love deeper and to expand in that love.
 
Relationship is said to be hard,
I believe that relationship is easy.
It’s not difficult getting into one,
It’s not even that difficult to get out of one.
What’s hard is communicating our authentic YES and NO and having faith that it will be accepted by our loved one.
 
What is even more challenging is consciously hearing in love our partners YES and NO.
Relationship is a clarifying tool to our lives,
It helps us to see who we really are, what we really want in life,
Where we have been settling for so little and how much expansion we have still to gain from.
 
True love centered relating comes from putting our ego’s to the side to the best of our abilities and wanting to hear and feel where our partner is at in any given situation. It is sitting in compassion with ourselves and our mate, not in pity, fear, shame, guilt or blame.
 
Realize that in times you fear loss and pain in your relationship that you are stepping away from your heart space, you are no longer hearing yourself or your partner authentically because your ego has run away with your ears and mouth. You are ten steps ahead of what they are trying to share because you are not being present with them or yourself but instead are assuming you already know and are trying to solve the problem alone. You did not arrive here alone! And you will never solve the problem as long as you are acting from the energy of the problem.
 
Look into your heart today and see where you are stepping away from your heart, away from your relationship and love and allowing yourself to act from pain.
 
How is this serving your relationship?
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Ready to claim your life back from suffering, fear, doubt and misfortune? Ready to call in the love relationship you desire. The abundance you crave for and the joy you know can be yours.
 
This Is what I have worked with thousands of people like yourself to have over the last two decades. Reach out to me today.

The Zero Separation Relationship & Why The Wolrd Hates It!

ZERO SEPARATION.
It’s funny, I have never thought of myself or witnessed myself to be a jealous person.
I have not thought myself to be territorial or possessive.
I have never been a woman who has demanded to be the center of attention with my partner.
I have never really missed my partner when they go away for the day.
I have never not been able to sleep without the connection of a lover.
All in all, I am one of those women who does just fine on her own.
with or without a man.
In or out of relationship.
I am not needy or clingy.
I am not one with a bunch of expectations or demands.
And if my man looks at another woman,
that’s okay. We are all human. We can appreciate other humans.
Flirting is a natural and even healthy thing, in or out of a relationship.
I am not a woman who is concerned about my partners attention or even ponders the idea of them cheating on me. Matter of fact for years I was in an open relationship and joked about how my partner could not cheat on me, because I was good with him receiving pleasure from whatever source he desired. That I knew that he would play hard ball finding a woman that was truly okay with open relating and could remain confident and loving in it.
This is all accurate.
For who I was and the relationships I had.
But today, I find myself in a completely different situation.
Today I want zero space between myself and my partner.
I have to convince myself that it is healthiest to have space. That we need to spend time apart, to enjoy time away from each other.
I have to convince myself that other things are important too,
that my life does not just need nor can it maintain by just being engaged with my man.
I have found that I want the world to just go away.
To leave us.
I have daydreams of a sweet little cabin out in a meadow someplace beautiful on ton’s of acres, where just he and I reside.
We have our garden, we walk, we talk, we make love, we watch the sun rise and set, the stars dance only for us. We plan our future and we enjoy each day entwined.
At night our limbs are enwrapped, he pulls me in tight should space emerge. He kisses me softly on the forehead each morning, and grabs me passionately throughout the day. We share our tears, our laughter, our embarrassments and we have zero space for the world to seep in and cause chaos.
He is my rock.
And I am his.
There is only him and I.
And with this I find that I am not jealous.
I am not possessive.
I am territorial AF!
I do have expectations and I do make demands on time and attention. When I feel a pull away, it is as though my very heart is being severed from my chest.
When I feel his armour rise,
It is as though I have been dropped from the highest tower into great rocks below.
And when the outside comes knocking…
It’s all defenses up.
That territorialism is a protection.
Its boundaries spoken and unspoken.
It is primal in my nature to want to secure the home,
the heart, the relationship.
For this relationship is far too valuable.
It has the feeling of life itself, the feeling of coming home.
Its depth bears with it a remembrance and a desire to make sure that it is never lost arises when the world comes knocking at our door.
Now some might look at this and say that a relationship of this nature has limited trust and knowing.
And the me of yesteryear would be first on that bandwagon.
But the thing that I have learned is that it’s not lacking trust,
not in each other or the relationship. It lacks trust in the ideas and wants of the world around.
And although our intent can be good for those we see in such beauty. We can say and even take action to show that we support a relationship of this nature and depth, but in truth we humans are cunning, fickle souls. We see beauty and something inside of us is angered that it is not ours and so without realization we attempt to destroy through drama, manipulations, anger, becoming a victim or finger pointing.
We stir the pot.
We stomp our feet like a child and we demand that this sort of relationship that we claim is so beautiful and we support is actually dangerous.
The zero separation relationship is based on soul entwinement.
I have read about it in such books as Thomas Moore wrote, (Soul Mates, The Soul of Sex, Care of the Soul & More) as well as much ancient texts from tantra and sufi to the Song of Solomn.
I have tasted bites of this sort of relationship throughout my previous ones, but could I fully grasp the desire, the complexity, the hunger of the soul and the pain of being apart if even for a few hours.
It feels addictive in truth.
It makes me question everything.
And yet I cannot deny that I want for nothing else.
He is mine and I am his, is a statement that dances through my heart and mind consistently.
And to think of allowing the world to seep in and possibly poison even one cell of this relationship is sheer heresy.
Yet we are told in society that this sort of close bonding is unhealthy.
That it is an addiction.
That casting out potential danger,
or setting hard boundaries in our lives,
is not good.
To close the gates of our castle is a joke in today’s world.
We live in fear of the “what if I offend” instead of ruling our lives and relationships with a fierceness of protection.
When we are in an intimate bonding with another and our souls yearn at such a deep level as is written about soulmates and twin flame bondings,
then how could we ever allow the world an opportunity to destroy.
Zero separation.
The vacuum that we must create in the casting out of potential harm. Because in such an intimate bonding of the hearts and souls, there truly is no other.
It is just the two.
Becoming one.
And this is what our union of marriage is supposed to be,
however the majority are far from anything even close to this.
We have great disrespect, a lack of loyalty even to what we deem our mate, our life partner, our spouse, our soulmate, our primary partner, our significant other.
We may make the claim that they are our better half or other half,
but in our allowing of the world to seep in and cause chaos, to spew its anger of what it does not have in your face and try and make you feel pity, are you truly honoring your greatest and highest relationship or are you falling in dissent?
Today I ask you to look at the bond that you have with your partner?
And if you are single, I ask you to look back at your relationships and ask,
“How have I been guilty of creating space for the world to poison the beauty and depth of said intimate relationship?”
It’s time my dear to be real with self.
To see where you have opened the gates to the wolves and let them feed.
If your relationship is just one of passing,
a between that keeps you warm, makes you laugh and entertains you, then perhaps you need not be concerned…
but if your relationship is one you claim to be entwined, deeply in love and wanting eternally ( or at least this lifetime), then it’s time to ask and look within.
What is more important?
Your intimate bond or the world and its desires of you?
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Time to take your love into your own hands and heal from past wounds.
Set down your armour and embrace the life and love that you know is yours.
Want to learn how?
Reach out to me today to explore Soul Entwined Relating Now.
 
Photo Credit DandelionImages