The Zero Separation Relationship & Why The Wolrd Hates It!

ZERO SEPARATION.
It’s funny, I have never thought of myself or witnessed myself to be a jealous person.
I have not thought myself to be territorial or possessive.
I have never been a woman who has demanded to be the center of attention with my partner.
I have never really missed my partner when they go away for the day.
I have never not been able to sleep without the connection of a lover.
All in all, I am one of those women who does just fine on her own.
with or without a man.
In or out of relationship.
I am not needy or clingy.
I am not one with a bunch of expectations or demands.
And if my man looks at another woman,
that’s okay. We are all human. We can appreciate other humans.
Flirting is a natural and even healthy thing, in or out of a relationship.
I am not a woman who is concerned about my partners attention or even ponders the idea of them cheating on me. Matter of fact for years I was in an open relationship and joked about how my partner could not cheat on me, because I was good with him receiving pleasure from whatever source he desired. That I knew that he would play hard ball finding a woman that was truly okay with open relating and could remain confident and loving in it.
This is all accurate.
For who I was and the relationships I had.
But today, I find myself in a completely different situation.
Today I want zero space between myself and my partner.
I have to convince myself that it is healthiest to have space. That we need to spend time apart, to enjoy time away from each other.
I have to convince myself that other things are important too,
that my life does not just need nor can it maintain by just being engaged with my man.
I have found that I want the world to just go away.
To leave us.
I have daydreams of a sweet little cabin out in a meadow someplace beautiful on ton’s of acres, where just he and I reside.
We have our garden, we walk, we talk, we make love, we watch the sun rise and set, the stars dance only for us. We plan our future and we enjoy each day entwined.
At night our limbs are enwrapped, he pulls me in tight should space emerge. He kisses me softly on the forehead each morning, and grabs me passionately throughout the day. We share our tears, our laughter, our embarrassments and we have zero space for the world to seep in and cause chaos.
He is my rock.
And I am his.
There is only him and I.
And with this I find that I am not jealous.
I am not possessive.
I am territorial AF!
I do have expectations and I do make demands on time and attention. When I feel a pull away, it is as though my very heart is being severed from my chest.
When I feel his armour rise,
It is as though I have been dropped from the highest tower into great rocks below.
And when the outside comes knocking…
It’s all defenses up.
That territorialism is a protection.
Its boundaries spoken and unspoken.
It is primal in my nature to want to secure the home,
the heart, the relationship.
For this relationship is far too valuable.
It has the feeling of life itself, the feeling of coming home.
Its depth bears with it a remembrance and a desire to make sure that it is never lost arises when the world comes knocking at our door.
Now some might look at this and say that a relationship of this nature has limited trust and knowing.
And the me of yesteryear would be first on that bandwagon.
But the thing that I have learned is that it’s not lacking trust,
not in each other or the relationship. It lacks trust in the ideas and wants of the world around.
And although our intent can be good for those we see in such beauty. We can say and even take action to show that we support a relationship of this nature and depth, but in truth we humans are cunning, fickle souls. We see beauty and something inside of us is angered that it is not ours and so without realization we attempt to destroy through drama, manipulations, anger, becoming a victim or finger pointing.
We stir the pot.
We stomp our feet like a child and we demand that this sort of relationship that we claim is so beautiful and we support is actually dangerous.
The zero separation relationship is based on soul entwinement.
I have read about it in such books as Thomas Moore wrote, (Soul Mates, The Soul of Sex, Care of the Soul & More) as well as much ancient texts from tantra and sufi to the Song of Solomn.
I have tasted bites of this sort of relationship throughout my previous ones, but could I fully grasp the desire, the complexity, the hunger of the soul and the pain of being apart if even for a few hours.
It feels addictive in truth.
It makes me question everything.
And yet I cannot deny that I want for nothing else.
He is mine and I am his, is a statement that dances through my heart and mind consistently.
And to think of allowing the world to seep in and possibly poison even one cell of this relationship is sheer heresy.
Yet we are told in society that this sort of close bonding is unhealthy.
That it is an addiction.
That casting out potential danger,
or setting hard boundaries in our lives,
is not good.
To close the gates of our castle is a joke in today’s world.
We live in fear of the “what if I offend” instead of ruling our lives and relationships with a fierceness of protection.
When we are in an intimate bonding with another and our souls yearn at such a deep level as is written about soulmates and twin flame bondings,
then how could we ever allow the world an opportunity to destroy.
Zero separation.
The vacuum that we must create in the casting out of potential harm. Because in such an intimate bonding of the hearts and souls, there truly is no other.
It is just the two.
Becoming one.
And this is what our union of marriage is supposed to be,
however the majority are far from anything even close to this.
We have great disrespect, a lack of loyalty even to what we deem our mate, our life partner, our spouse, our soulmate, our primary partner, our significant other.
We may make the claim that they are our better half or other half,
but in our allowing of the world to seep in and cause chaos, to spew its anger of what it does not have in your face and try and make you feel pity, are you truly honoring your greatest and highest relationship or are you falling in dissent?
Today I ask you to look at the bond that you have with your partner?
And if you are single, I ask you to look back at your relationships and ask,
“How have I been guilty of creating space for the world to poison the beauty and depth of said intimate relationship?”
It’s time my dear to be real with self.
To see where you have opened the gates to the wolves and let them feed.
If your relationship is just one of passing,
a between that keeps you warm, makes you laugh and entertains you, then perhaps you need not be concerned…
but if your relationship is one you claim to be entwined, deeply in love and wanting eternally ( or at least this lifetime), then it’s time to ask and look within.
What is more important?
Your intimate bond or the world and its desires of you?
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Time to take your love into your own hands and heal from past wounds.
Set down your armour and embrace the life and love that you know is yours.
Want to learn how?
Reach out to me today to explore Soul Entwined Relating Now.
 
Photo Credit DandelionImages

How I lost 18 Pounds in 4 months with Zero Effort, Only Doing One THING!

👉👉👉CAN A MAN BE THE BEST WEIGHT MANAGEMENT SYSTEM, SLEEP AGENT AND STRESS REDUCER OUT THERE?

 

The right man certainly can be.🤯

Today I speak to all the 👑queens out there who look in the mirror, do those little sidewards poses sucking in your tummies, checkin’ out how the booty looks in those pants, if the “girls” are perky looking today or if you need to grab the extra support bra. How your eyes look. Are you needing extra concealer, are the lines, soft wrinkles and exhaustion from life showing up to boldly or…💃💃💃

 

Today I am sharing a revelation with you that I have witnessed over the course of time in different ways in my own personal life and with friends and clients alike.

 

But when I tell you that from a VERY personal and real level, I have never been through such a beautiful transformation as the one that I am in currently in and it all stems from the love of the right man. Now, don’t get me wrong here…

it’s not actually his action of love that is doing anything.

Its not a massive amount of sex.

It’s not really anything other than I can put down all my armour with him and surrender.

 

🤯Whoa…

 

Did you catch that big scary word that most queens do not like to speak outloud?

 

SURRENDER.

 

Lay down our armour?🦸‍♀️

Put down the shields and sword?⚔️

Trust the MF masculine?

 

I know, I have gone off the deep end for some of you ladies out there. In todays time when we women are able to be self-sufficent and not need relationship, just have the sex we want, when we want and live our lives without the bartering with a man, the concept of surrendering to the masculine seems shear ludicrous and crazy.

 

I get it.

 

But are you fulfilled?

Sure you may believe that you are.

You got the career, the kids, the house, the money, the “freedom” but where do you allow yourself to be held?

Where do you allow your softness as the feminine to be revealed?

And if you are a coupled queen, do you truly let your king shine as a man or do you constantly overthrow his throne with your fear of being controlled by him?

 

Do you in essence cuckold your man?😲🤔🤯

You “give him sex” but you do not actually receive him or let him receive you?

 

Coupled or single,

What we desire in a relationship on both sides of the coin is connection.

Put simply connection DOES NOT come from two physical bodies engaging in sex or physical touch.

Connection comes from emotional bonding and trust.

Connection comes from being able to embody one’s self with deep presence and thus can actually feel at an emotional and energetic level their partner.

They are willing to reveal themselves fully.

They are willing to be seen authentically.

They are willing to be naked in every way with their lover.

 

These things can NEVER be achieved with our armour up.

These things cannot happen without surrender from our deepest heart center with our lover.

 

And as long as we choose to uphold that emotional/energetic armour in our sexing, in our relationships, with our intimacy we will also bear the effects of the armour which are actual weight of the physical body.

Stress of the mind.

Emotional overload and imbalances.

We will not be able to lay our heads down and truly rest.

Because the weight of life,

the guarding of our hearts,

and the exhaustion of us “acting out a role for survival” will only create restlessness of our souls.

 

When we enter a soulmate relationship,

a union with our true significant other we have zero desire to hold onto our swords and weapons. We do not want barriers to our heart.

 

👊👊👊We want UNION.

Zero space between.

 

And when we truly enter a relationship of this divine nature we also reap the rewards here in the physical if we are willing to surrender to this sort of depth and authentic connection in love.

 

WE STAND NAKED IN EVERY WAY BEFORE OUR SOULMATE.

 

And here we find our truest freedom.

Our most unbound love.

We discover who we really are,

and we open ourselves to him.

 

And he as a heart centered man,

strong in his masculine and purpose driven in his life understands that the way he penetrates your heart as his queen is also how he penetrates his world.

He must lean fully into your gates in love and trust of the feminine or he his lack of surrender will be felt and you will not be able to trust him.

 

However you my dear queen must remember that it is a two way street ALWAYS.

 

If you as a woman refuse to trust yourself,

if you refuse to get out of your mind space,

If you refuse to speak your truth,

if you refuse to take responsibility for your emotions, your orgasms, your choices, your triggers and your fear,

then he cannot lean into your gates in trust.

 

A king cannot lead his queen to the most delicious moments of connection and intimacy if his queen does not respect him in his masculine.  And a queen can never respect a king who does not know whom he is and who has healthy boundaries and a stable heart center.

 

So can a man be the best weight management system, sleep agent and stress reducer out there?

 

Yes the right man certainly can.

The right man + the right woman can conquer their world together.

They will thrive and live unbound in their love.

They will be healthy physically, emotionally, sexually, financially and spiritually.

 

Unfortunately it is my opinion from my over two decades of working with couples that the harsh reality is that about 85% of unions are not soul based but need based.

Survival based.

 

And it shows my dear queen in your face.

In your eyes.

In your body.

In how you speak of yourself.

In how you show up in your life.

 

I love you beautiful.

You are worthy of a king that is worthy of you.

 

But you have to first want to find him and then be willing to lay down your armour.

 

As Alway,

Loving you from 18 pounds lighter,  radiance in my face and eyes, a good night’s sleep in my mans arms and lovin’ the skin I am in with a surrendered heart to my King 👑

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Queens let’s chat about getting you back into your rightful throne.

Based in that beautiful heart center, let me show you the steps to putting down the armour with your soulmate or how to call in your soulmate if that’s where you are at and how to fully become embodied in love and orgasm today.

The THING You Need To Know To Call In Your Soulmate/Twinflame Relationship.

Jane Austen once said, ” When I fall in love it will be forever.”
A beautiful sentiment this statement brings to so many about love.
Romance. Intimacy and matters of the heart.
However, we often feel that we are in love when in truth we are in need and so we move from relationship to relationship looking for each soul we come in contact with to be the one, when it is an impossibility.
We “fall in love” because we are weak in whom we are and in need to feel complete, to feel loved, worthy, and needed. This falling process reveals to us that we are not whole beings, thus making anyone that we “fall in love” with not the one. We are unable to find the one until we elevate ourselves to a state of self-awareness and truth that matches our soul expression for this life experience and in order for us to unit with “the one” they too must be in pursuit of the same.
We desire to be in love.
To be elevated by love, not to fall.
Our soul understands that relationship, the true union of two souls coming together in love will not cause us to sacrifice any aspect of who our true self is, but instead it will ignite us and expand us as we unit. We get at a core level that love is based in freedom.
And our freedom is birthed through the observations that we make when we are united with another at a soul level.
When two souls unite in love they experience a bond that sets them each on fire, creating a purification process that must happen in order for the union to hold strong. This is what Jane Austen was referring to in her statement above, ” When I fall in love it will be forever,” because when two souls come together in such authentic love, they recognize each other and it is a bonding for life.
But not life as we know it.
It is the life of the soul.
This is where we speak of the term “soulmate” or “twinflame” and we simplify it into modern terms of “the one.” At our cores we are always in search of this eternal love, this union with what we feel is our other half and a soul that will complete us. The irony of it is that we must first become that that we wish to achieve through this union. In order for us to become whole we must become wise and wisdom comes from experience. We learn ourselves through others. The contrasting of relationships, the learning of our boundaries, our likes and dislikes in all areas of life and relating, what we need and what are non-negotiables. One cannot become whole in self until one understands themselves and can love the darkest aspects of self as well. Wholeness in self is created from a space of respect, responsibility, love, courage and ability to transform what is needed to advance one’s soul and life.
The most equipt learning ground for these soul transformations and union with soul is relationship.
Especially intimate relationships.
Once we unite with ourselves at a deep understanding (not a perfection) we open up the opportunity to magnetize to us a like soul that is on the same path, at the same velocity.
Frequencies match.
The souls most likely have shared much in common in this lifetime and others (if you believe in reincarnation), magnifying their bonds all the more. All other “love” relationships fall short, causing us suffering so that we can clarify whom we are and prepare ourselves for a true union with another.
To be in love with one’s soulmate is by far one of the greatest gifts we can extend to ourselves through our coming home to self, it is most certainly for a lifetime and it is not something that occurs with every relationship.
If you are among the many out there longing to discover love and wonder where Mr./Mrs. Right is…
Will you ever discover “the one?”
Why does love always hurt so bad and cause you such heartache?
Or simply why you are not finding the depth and connection that you know should be available and you have witnessed with others, then I ask you to realize one thing…
There are many that are not the one, as it should be.
There can only ever be “the one” and in order for you to achieve this soul union you must learn yourself and learn to love yourself.
This journey of love is based on your ability to be whole with whom you are and not look for anything outside of self.
Be willing and in love with the reality that you must walk away from anything that is not actually for you…
Including ALL “the ones” that are not YOUR ONE.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
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* You must do the prerequisite of the consult to join this game changing, life altering mentoring opportunity.
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Today to set up your FREE Call now.

TATTOOS, GUNS, TENSED MUSCLES… THE SECRET TO DESIRE.

TATTOOS, GUNS, TENSED MUSCLES…
Just a few things I viewed while brushing my teeth this morning.
Watching my partner kneeling in the closet, taking ammo out of a shotgun, his tattoo partially showing.
His focus.
The look on his face.
All so perfect.
So protective, loving and strong.
I stood there simply appreciating him.
And it is these appreciative moments that build our turn on,
our desire.
Those moments where you take someone in when they are not knowing that you are,
like watching your partner shower or cook.
Watching them radiate when they are doing something that they enjoy or are so very good at.
Watching them parent,
laugh or sleep.
Often these are not “big moments,” they are not things that are out of the norm or uncommon to any given day. However, when we slow down and they strike us in our witnessing of our partners we are captivated by the soul.
They take us to new levels of deep love with our partners.
They ignite us and create desire.
These snapshot moments allow us to see our partners in a brilliant light outside of our relationships and all the ebbs and flows of it.
Research has shown that couples feel more drawn toward their partners at times like these because we are allowing ourselves to truly see the soul expression of our mates instead of just getting caught up in the day to day grind of life, family and responsibilities.
This space that is created in these times is where desire often stems from.
And desire is something that so many couples long to restore or to captivate once again but have no understanding of how to achieve.
You see when we first come together there is space between us.
We live our separate lives, we have times and experiences apart where we are creating life and who we are without our partner right by our side consistently.
Then when we get more serious and committed with a partner we have a longing to eliminate the space. We want to experience everything we possibly can with this other soul and we hungrily try to do what we can to achieve just that because we want to know them at a deep cellular level, we are fascinated by them and at the same time want to allow them to see all of us as well.
However as time goes on, this lack of space often creates a complacency in the relationship. We start to take our partners for granted because we know them so well, and our nature as humans is to get settled into a pattern in our lives and create habits around them. We stop looking at our partners as though they have anything new to share with us or we with them.
And desire diminishes and fades.
Add In children, work, bills and many other sidetracking things that exhaust us as individuals and as a couple and you can easily see how and why so often couples start to question if their partner desires them any longer or where their turn on went for their mate.
The common belief is that if we were to just have more sexual intimacy then things would be better and more connected. That desire would creep back in.
The issue is that to have penetrative heart centered sex you must first desire each other and want for the depth of connection.
You must look at your partner as a wonderland of new experience in that moment, not assume that you already know everything there is to know about them and just think that quantity of engagement is the key.
Desire is a mental and emotional longing first.
It comes from our hunger to explore our partner in all facets.
Then from that space the primal nature and physical desire to connect is birthed.
Much the same as our desire to get healthy.
Our desire to be successful or wealthy.
Or anything else.
At first we look at the thing we are desiring with awe, because we do not have it or we do not understand it fully. So we know that we must educate ourselves about it, explore possibilities of how to remove the space between where we currently are and having the thing that we desire.
And like anything of this nature,
once we obtain it it’s shiny newness wears off and our desire to play with it, enjoy it, delve deeper into it over the course of time and experience starts to dwindle.
UNLESS…
We consciously become aware of how desire is kept strong and prevent ourselves and our partners from falling into this common ground of relationship complacency.
But to do this we must want for an empowered relationship with our partner.
We must desire depth.
We must desire truth and honesty.
We must desire playfulness and trust.
We must desire heart centered alignment,
and we must understand that desire at its core will only be able to hold strong if our partner KNOWS that they are primary in our lives.
From this foundation we can create the space required for the embers of desire to once again be harnessed and emerge.
Want to learn the secrets to a desire based soul united relationship?
Reach out today to speak with me about my 2021 Ignited Couples Mentorship now. Limited space for this exclusive private couples training. Message me now or comment in the comments for deet’s.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

YOUR INTIMACY AND CONNECTION IS LESSENED BECAUSE YOU NEGLECT PLAY…

YOUR INTIMACY AND CONNECTION IS LESSENED BECAUSE YOU NEGLECT PLAY…
There I said it!
One of the major contributing factors to your shitty relationship with your significant other is the fact that you forgot to play.
You have made light of our need as humans to laugh, to enjoy life and to be light in spirit.
Instead you have turned your relationship into something of responsibility, duty, and “adulting.”
And that is what you deem mature.
Healthy even.
However, nothing could be further from the truth.
Intimacy, vulnerability, connection and even trust is supported through play.
Finding the humor in our life, relationship and small moments where we put focus on just those things that make us smile and laugh.
So often I work with couples who say that they are married to their best friend. They speak of days when they felt utterly connected to their partner and they wonder what changed. Then they share about life and how life just sorta took over and they had to “grow up,” they had to get real and be responsible because they had a baby, they bought a house and had more debt so life became about duty and taking care of business.
Life got stressful.
And with the stress the play went away.
They stopped courting each other.
Stopped dating and enjoying adventures.
And the relationship along with the sex and intimacy got drab and boring.
Well no shit Sherlock!
You take the laughter out of relationships and you lose a vital nutrient to connection and intimacy.
You also decrease polarity between the masculine and the feminine and the juicy primal energy that creates desire.
Now let me clear here with you.
Some of you may be thinking that I am referring to sexual play.
That I am reffering to BDSM, or some format of adventure sex or exploring non-traditional relationships even, and sure any of this can fall under play and is fine and dandy for a healthy relationship when both parties desire the same, however THIS is not what I am speaking of at all.
When I say PLAY I am actually referring to childlike play and/or healthy competition.
I am speaking of humor, laughter.
An ability to laugh at ourselves and even joke.
An ability to go past our ego and dare I say GOOFY.
Yes this is what I mean.
Adult play is not always of the sexual nature,
although even the most innocent of play and competition can and will create a primal hunger for each other and expand our sexual connection.
When we tap into our playful primal nature we get more turned on to our partner and to life.
Laughter, movement, the engaged actions of play help to move emotion and energy in our physical bodies as well as help restore a more sound mental state.
Science has proven that those individuals who create space for play, who step outside of the comfort zones of what they deem normal and push themselves to explore deeper aspects of self have healthy mental and emotional states of being.
It is well documented how healthy laughter is for our moods and clarity, even our immune systems.
Smiling triggers certain receptors in the brain that can change a person’s perspective of a moment and significantly help us to feel more positive in life in general.
So if this is all proven then why do we choose to diminish its value in our primary relationships. In our sex. In our intimacy building?
How is it that we cannot see the importance of play in general and laughter in our intimate lives? To help maintain a healthy happy connection?
The majority of women when polled,
“What is a characteristic that you value in a partner?”
Will say, ” Someone who can make me laugh.”
At our core we understand the value,
but as relationships develop and life happens we get forgetful and we stop applying the focus needed to sustain a healthy connected and turned on relationship.
Play being one of the primary gifts of intimate relationships that we turn away from with such ease.
I ask you today to look at your primary relationship.
And if you currently do not have one, I ask that you look at the last relationship(s) that you have had and really explore this vital nutrient.
How are you at play?
What does play mean to you?
What do you find uncomfortable about play?
Doing the inquiry here with self and then discussing what you can do that might be adventurous or playful with your partner can help to re-establish connection, intimacy and desire in your love life and in the bedroom.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
 
❤ Another Valentine’s day Is Upon Us… ❤
And some ladies in the house are ALONE.
Well no Queen is ever alone in spirit, because we effing love ourselves,
right ladies?
But we may not have the man of our dreams in bed next to us.
That man who is consciously aware,
emotionally intelligent,
spiritually sound,
committed,
passionate,
makes us laugh,
and when he looks at us has us melt.
Yeah that guy.
Well to all you single queens in the house,
make 2021 the last year that you wake up without your soulmate next to you.
Check out this live training this month where I teach you 10 hacks to calling in the conscious man of your dreams.
Click THIS link below to read all about it and reserve your seat for 7+ hours of training plus 2-weeks of private access to me where we will get you on point and the vibe of your love.
 
 
Here are what other Queens are saying about this class:
 
https://kendalwilliams.com/manifestyourmanprogram/
 
“Working through this course changed my world. Every training got me more into alignment with who I am and what I really want in a relationship with a man.”
Cecilia Jones
 
“Kendal is absolutely magical and her energy and passion is contagious. I loved how she brought humor and truth to all these important areas of being a woman and how vulnerable she was in her personal tales. It truly allowed me to feel her and to know that I could call in my true love.”
Kristie Lamar
 
“I have been struggling with dating for years. After a nasty divorce I really had given up on love, but then I found this course and I kid you not, not four months after working through Kendal’s course I met a man that was everything I had ever wanted. I am happy to share that we are now engaged and planning our future together. In so much gratitude for all the education and resources that were offered here in this course. “
Jen Santers
 
DON’T WAIT ANOTHER DAY!!!!
ACCESS THE BONUS 5+Hours of Training Now!
https://kendalwilliams.com/manifestyourmanprogram/
 
 
 
 

MY DADDY EARL JUST LOVES IT WHEN I PRAY, YA’LL.

 

MY DADDY EARL JUST LOVES IT WHEN I PRAY, YA’LL.

 

I get down on my knees before him and he praises God at the sight of it. Every time he pops his lips I know exactly what he wants from me. I lick my lips and start to hum him the song of an angel.

I love how he gets so passionate at my hummin’.

Sometimes he will even grab a hold of my pigtails and shake full of the holy ghost moving through him. He tells me that when the holy ghost moves through him that it is his favorite thing and only my hummin’ can make it happen.

 

I love making him shake in spirit like that.

Makes me feel so good inside.

 

————————————————————————-

 

Yeppers folks.

I went there.

If you missed my livestream on this then maybe you need to go explore it.

 

Or maybe not…

Not if you are a prude that is.

Please don’t, I do not want to hear it from you in that case or have you rolling your eyes at my crazy.

 

You know it was not that long ago that I would have freaked the

f-ck out about playing games like this with my lover.

I would have been too caught up in my own bullsh*t to have fun.

I would have believed that my partner would not like me if I pretended to play like this.

 

I mean sex is serious.

Relationships are serious.

 

LOL… not good sex and relationship.

Sure there is some seriousness in there, of course,

but if you are not laughing, finding yourself feeling youthful, full of desire and thirst for fun then I can tell you that your relationship and sex are getting ready to flatline if they have not already.

 

I have worked with so many hundreds of couples through the last decade as a relationship coach and the one thing that I am always sharing with them is how important PLAY is in the relationship.

 

Playfulness inside and outside of the bedroom or wherever you are doing the nasty at…

 

Adventure dates.

More than just dinner and a movie.

Get creative, learn something new together.

Get a little edgy, make your heart flutter like it was your first kiss all over again.

Do things that you typically would not think to be a date even.

 

Some of my favorite dates and sexual experiences did not cost a fortune. They did not take place in traditional ways.

But instead they revealed to me my lovers desire, joy, inner child and explorer. They created a space for each of us to explore ourselves and each other in ways that we had not yet.

 

One time I was told to meet my lover at a gas station. I did so and he filled up my car, then told me to drive next door and give my keys to the man at the detail shop. I did so. He followed me and picked me up there. I got into his car, he blind folded me, kissed me passionately and asked if I was ready for a little fun adventure.

 

I said yes.

He said okay we got 90 minutes.

Next thing I knew he handed me a glass of my favorite chardonnay in a togo wine glass. I took a few sips and he took it from me replacing it with some glass yoni eggs and told me to insert them and do some squeezes.

 

I did so.

Then he handed me a little bullet vibrator and told me to insert that.

And so I did.

There I sat, eggs vibrating in my vagina, wine back in hand, blindfolded in his car as he drove around a parking lot a bit to make sure I had no clue what direction we were headed next.

 

From there he took me to lunch.

He parked the car,

came around my side and got me out, blindfold still on.

Walked me into a busy restaurant and told me to walk up to the nice man at the register and tell her I wanted the special.

ANd so I took a deep breath and did so.

As I did this I could hear all the people passing me by, talking about what was going on, wondering what we were doing, snickering. I could feel their eyes even though I could not see them. I had to face myself.

I had to face my own ego at this moment.

My lover took my hand and arm and walked me to a table where he sat me down, got me some more wine, helped me sip it and then he proceeded to feed me lunch while I sat there helpless and blindfolded.

 

Once done he walked me back to the car,

got me buckled in and took me off to….

 

Dessert of course. 🙂

He parked again,

walked me into a cold and strange smelling place.

Told me to ask the nice man at the register for the special, and so I did.

The man handed me a waffle cone with my favorite ice cream in it.

My lover took me back to the car, got me buckled and drove around in circles some more.

The sun would hit me in the eye’s every now and then and I found myself wanting for the next moment of surprise.

Sure enough he stopped the car.

Got me out but before doing so, took my shoes off.

As I got out I found myself standing on something wet and cool, he asked if I knew where I was, but I did not.

Then I got back in the car.

 

From there he drove a distance, the road changed from paved to dirt. And he parked.

He came around and got me out of the car, still barefoot.

He walked me through some grass, up and over a wood bridge of some sort and into a closed in space that felt like it was out in the middle of a field. Here is bound my wrists, kissed me some more and began to touch me passionately.

Before I knew it he was laying me down on a blow up mattress that was out here in this building we were in.

He removed my clothes, kissed my body with hunger.

My excitement grew.

I was trying to figure out where we were,

I could feel a breeze by my feet and my head at the same time, yet I was in some enclosed structure. As I scooted up the bed some and he proceeded to go down on me, my bound arms lifted above my head to only find themselves in some bushes and grass right there.

 

Where was I?

He devoured me.

He made passionate primal love to me.

It was heated and intense.

Once done, he grabbed me, stood me up, dressed me, walked me back to his car, unbound me wrists but kept the blindfold on.

Got me in the car, handed me my wine and then we drove off.

Before I knew it he was parking.

He leaned in, kissed me, told me he loved me and hoped that I enjoyed our adventure as he took off my blindfold.

 

There I was parked behind my now detailed and fully cleaned and gassed up car.

 

90 minutes after the time I had dropped it off.

He wished me a great afternoon and got me my car keys.

 

To this day I do not know all the details of this adventure.

But what I do know is how much I loved it.

How I will cherish that moment in time forever.

How I accessed a deeper level of myself, of my sex and of that relationship in that moment.

 

It was vulnerable.

It was intimate.

It was connective.

It required trust on both sides.

It was playful and it brought us both great joy.

 

And what did it take?

 

Well we will never know because he ain’t tellin’

but what it ultimately took was CREATIVITY and DESIRE TO PLAY.

 

And that is the point to this whole tale and to my livestream earlier.

 

In relationship we grow tired and bored of our sex and of each other because we forget how to court.

We forget how to play, to laugh and be joyous in our sex and relationship and therefore it all gets tiring and old.

Like a chewed up piece of gum that lost its flavor years ago.

 

But it does not have to be like that.

You can have a dynamic connective deep relationship if you will simply allow yourself to get real and raw,

to be seen and to enjoy.

 

Stop taking your sex so damn seriously.

Instead start enjoying your flesh, your partner’s flesh.

Your laugh and their laugh.

Get a little edgy with each other.

Discuss things you would like to explore and try.

Start to believe that you can be creative,

that you do have the time,

and that it does not have to take an arm and a leg to create spectacular events for the one you love.

 

 

It’s time to level up your love.

It’s time to stop accepting boring as your normal in your sex and relationship.

 

It’s time to get down and dirty and play in the sandbox together.

Seriously.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Ready to claim that F-ck Yes! Relationship with your partner?

Ready to stop settling for boring as your norm?

 

I sure AF hope so! Cuz’ you are worthy of so much more and so is your relationship and sex.

 

Reach out to me today to learn the secrets of a playful turned on relationship.

 

WATCH THE LIVESTREAM HERE NOW!

 

WHAT’S IT TAKE TO NEVER WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER SECOND DATE AGAIN?

WHAT’S IT TAKE TO NEVER WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER SECOND DATE AGAIN?
The short answer for me is: a soulfully deep raw elevated authentic relationship.
Should be a piece of crumb cake, right?
I mean you land those every other day of the week in our superficial world where love is based on how you make me feel and how well you mask your truth from me and I from you so that we don’t ever really dig down deeper and really witness each other at a core state of being.
Of relating.
So many couples in today’s world of relating are in relationship simply because it makes them feel – complete.
It makes them feel like they are successful,
they are someone and when that person,
their person turns to them and holds them in their focus then they are on top of the world and they are in love.
When their person acts, speaks and appears to be the way that they desire,
and does not rock the boat too much with their truth then all is groovy and they are happy in their fake relationship and love.
But lord help the one who chooses to be true to themselves.
Who chooses to stand firm in their core and know themselves.
I mean that would be selfish, right?
And selfishness is not kewl.
After all,
relationship, especially intimate relationship,
a life partner relationship is all about the giving of self to support, show your unwavering love and commitment to the other.
There is zero room for selfishness in a committed relationship of this nature.
LOL.
It does not make sense to me.
Zero room for selfishness,
selfishness is evil, bad and you “should not” do it to anyone that you love for sure.
After all you should only think of the others feelings, thoughts and perceptions.
You are responsible for that person’s emotional, mental, physical well being and that is a lot of responsibility so take it seriously and DO NOT think of self first.
MmmmmmHmmmm….
Okay.
This does not work.
If we lose ourselves in relationship then we lose our core,
we get lost in this world and we end up feeling empty, lost and unworthy. Without direction or purpose.
And this in turn causes us to start to act and treat our partner with bitterness, fear, anxiety and we show up with low self-esteem and respect. We cave on our boundaries and we end feeling used.
All because we believe that selfishness in relationship is evil.
So let me present a little different concept on intimate relationships.
Coming back to my simple not so simple answer to what it would take for me to consider never having another second date again.
What would make me commit the rest of my years to this one person.
To become rock solid in a relationship without question or waivering and just have the desire to carry it deeper.
“A soulfully deep raw elevated authentic relationship.”
That’s what.
But why these characteristics?
I believe that the majority of relationships are teachers and healers,
they are soul based contracts you could say that are not meant to last a lifetime in the intimate fashion but instead come to us to help us grow, expand, heal and clarify who we are and what we want in relationship and life.
These relationships often do not carry a bunch of luster, they feel good, logical, fun, but they do not have the soulful bonds that you can feel with someone when there is so much more at play.
These relationships also have us attracted to our opposites often, baring with them certain traits or beliefs from our partners that are not in alignment with who we are. They make us analyze our core, question our worthiness and who we are and often push our boundaries and ask us to make choices between ourselves and the relationship.
Where a soulful relationship is based on alignment.
It’s an energetic connection that has you feeling as though you are in harmony not only with the other person, but even more so with yourself and with life and God.
You feel passion, purpose and drive in a soulful relationship.
You are not fearful to speak your truth, the opposite is actually true, you desire to share all facets of yourself and reveal your core because you have this feeling that you are held in love and without question.
Soulful relationships have a knowing to them.
A knowing of the souls.
It is the relationships where you feel like you are coming home.
Depth is the next big thing for me.
I may play with a surface based relationship,
but it will last for that long, months and possibly a few years at best,
but without depth the relationship will fade.
But what does true depth mean?
Many people say they have a deep relationship,
they say that they share and talk about everything with their partner,
but when you really look at this you would be shocked to find out it’s not true.
The majority of relationships hide behind idle conversation about groceries, houses, work, media and whatever else can fill in the gaps.
True depth is when you can sit in stillness and say nothing at all and come out of the experience feeling like you shared thousands of years with someone.
True depth is about just witnessing each other,
letting each partner be themselves and be fully seen, expressed.
True depth comes from individuals who take responsibility for themselves, owning who they are, developing self-love and peace within as a primary stable ground before venturing into relationship and not having the concept that it is their partners responsibility to fix anything for them.
Depth comes from personal growth, spiritual growth and being self-aware.
The word raw brings up fear for many people.
It is the scary descriptive word of vulnerability, intimacy.
And we relate vulnerability to weakness.
We have been taught as a society to armour up our hearts and protect. To not trust each other and to constantly look for the gotchas because time and experience has always shown us how unsafe we are even with those closest to us.
And this folks is a major component to why a relationship fails.
We are terrified of showing ourselves.
We are terrified of feeling or being felt.
We are terrified of witnessing someone’s truth and not being 100% ok with who they are, their views, ideas or desires/needs.
We are terrified that who we are will not be accepted.
We are terrified of putting our all into anyone and trusting that our souls know what they are doing.
We are terrified putting down the armour and just sinking into our hearts,
because what if we get hurt?
Well the truth is that every relationship no matter how long it is around in your life WILL hurt you in some way.
It’s how we choose to handle that pain.
It’s what we choose to focus on.
Do we venture into a relationship waiting for the bottom to drop out and therefore forever holding back pieces of ourselves and in turn creating exactly what we fear?
Or do we give it our all?
Real, Raw, Unapologetic, Vulnerable.
Many people claim that they offer this…
And I ask you to question yourself, is that true?
Because it’s the most challenging thing to do to breathe in and lean deeper into love without expectation, just faith.
Relationships should elevate you.
You know we say that we “fall in love” butI prefer to say that we get “elevated by love.”
The relationship that makes you not want for any more second dates should be the relationship that has you desiring for more from yourself, from life and should bear with it a hunger and knowing that life is limitless.
If the relationship has you questioning your worthiness,
fearing what tomorrow brings,
has you changing your core to fit the relationship and hold on to it,
then it’s not a relationship that can support WHO YOU ARE for the long haul.
Elevated relationships are based in soul, in authentic unconditional love and respect, and come with the desire to build each other up and expand but merge deeper with each other.
When you think of power couples and how they seem to be unstoppable in life it is because they focus on elevating self, each other and the relationship as a whole, instead of eliminating things that cause them fear or raise their ego’s.
Authenticity.
Another challenging word.
We all want honesty, truth thus authenticity,
However when it comes right down to it we cannot handle our own truth often and we certainly are troubled by other people’s especially our lover/partner when it is not what we want to hear or witness. When it seems like they are being selfish, when they are asking for something or sharing something that is a difficult conversation or pulls up old wounds and triggers us into our pain bodies.
However authentic relating is key if you want long lasting commitment, connection and love to stay.
If you need your partner to be something that they are not for you to hold space for them or love them, be committed to them, then perhaps you need to ask yourself if you really are right for each other.
Authenticity is about speaking your heart and soul especially when it is difficult but doing it from a place of self-responsibility and love for all.
For me personally,
if these things are not at play then the simple truth is that the relationship is there to teach me, help me to move through things and to clarify exactly what I do want to call into my life.
When I am in relationship and know that it is just a teacher to me,
I make sure to make it known that I am not 100% committed, that I enjoying the moment for what it is and I will practice relationship and unconditional authentic relating within the container but that the relationship is there to serve each of us to become more of who we really are so that we can each call in the relationship that our souls know is home.
These teacher relationships help us to define and paint the picture of what our SOUL RELATIONSHIP holds within it and when we come into contact with that relationship we feel it at our core and we with the tremendous alignment that it brings with it.
It is a knowing.
I challenge you today to look at your relationship and ask how aligned you truly are to it and to your partner?
Are you 100% authentic and feel that you are held without question or expectation in the relationship?
Do you feel like your relationship and life is limitless?
You are deserving of a soulful aligned turned on relationship with depth that elevates you to the heavens and maintains its connection to the end of your days in this lifetime.
But it starts with YOU LOVING YOU and standing firm in your core,
getting to know self and accepting the lessons from your teacher relationships as you step forward to the feeling of coming home in that soul aligned relationship that is waiting for you.
Say yes to you.
Say yes to love.
Say yes to beauty.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to know how to call in the soulmate of your desires?
Reach out to me for 1;1 coaching to get into alignment with love, abundance and more.
 
Photo credit DandelionImages

CATCH ME IN THE EXHALE.

 

CATCH ME IN THE EXHALE

 

The exchange of more than breath. 

The release of more than just air. 

 

The exhale. 

The release. 

The letting go. 

The feeling. 

The exchange that can only be experienced when a deep intimacy is present.

 

We crave to experience it, 

We value and fear it. 

We know its worth, 

But we have little concept of it.

Intimacy, 

True intimacy eludes us in our relationships and often throughout our lives.. 

We hear the tales of intimate love, 

Intimacy in our sex, 

With God and spirit. 

But we hardly grasp what it legitimately is. 

 

That is until we have it upon us. 

Breathing its existence into every fiber of our being. 

And then we know. 

Then it is unquestioned. 

Intimacy is the most powerful energy connection that two people can share. 

It exceeds the physical dimensions. 

It can be felt from opposite sides of the planet, 

It is a breathtaking connection of the rarest form. 

But why is it so elusive to the majority of people, 

For the majority of our lives?

Especially when we crave it, 

Work toward it, 

Value it and believe that we have it often to only discover that we are not even touching its rim when our reality awakens us to how distant we are in our lives from self, lovers and mates as well as God?

 

How do we so easily mistaken intimacy for the physical, 

Or for communication or time shared?

How do we believe that intimacy is a physical sexual act, 

Or something that can only be held in a container with just one?

 

When intimacy is expansive. 

Just like the exhale, 

It’s in the letting go and allowing of. 

It’s in the leaning into its ebb and flow, 

It’s in the energy of the exchange. 

The crossing of energetic paths and the meeting of souls that are aligned. 

It is the energetics of connection. 

It is the depth that we journey into, 

That exceeds words, actions and thought. 

There is no distance that can prevent us from touching our lover intimately, 

Through our sexual energy when we have this connection. 

We can go there on the waves of emotion felt, 

The visions we share, 

The heartbeat of our combined ripples in time. 

It is the exhale to our lovemaking, 

It is the exhale from our running toward, 

It is the exhale in our surrender, 

And the exaltation of our joy in our meeting. 

 

Intimacy is an energetic connection that has no reason to the ordinary. 

It has no explanation as to why we have it with some and why no matter how hard we work to achieve it with others that it can never be. 

 

There is no true methodology to create it. 

It balances on the tightrope of vulnerability and unconditional love. 

It needs witnessing and embracing for its truth. 

And it can never live when it is controlled, harnessed or demanded to exist when it is not in its natural state. 

 

You must catch it in the exhale of your very existence, 

And in the exhale of all that you know and have known. 

Because here is the only place where you can discover its beauty and strength. 

Its depth and value, 

It is the only place that you will be able to appreciate it for what it is and see that it is nothing like that, that you have experienced thus far. 

 

When you release into the exhale of intimacy you will allow yourself to drift without question. You will enjoy the simplest of things and find yourself speaking without a need for words. 

The silence of your energetic communication will be met with eye’s of knowing and hearts abound with love. 

 

You will fall in trust into intimacy, 

Because it is there to soothe you. 

It is there to comfort and hold you in the knowing. 

 

Can you feel it?

Have you felt it?

 

Truly. 

 

Or are you still captivated by the illusion of what you believe it should be and unhappy with the results of what you have?

 

Do you find yourself scratching your head in bewilderment at what I speak of. 

Unable to grasp its power. 

Unwilling still to lean into the challenging space of the unknown. 

And let go. 

 

Exhale into all that you crave with life, 

With your lover or mate, 

Your child and friend, 

With God and self. 

 

Intimacy is about the revealing of your deepest self. 

It is about taking down all the barriers and being seen. 

Intimacy has no boundaries. 

Not physical nor space. 

And that is the challenge of the human mind. 

We resist the inability to control. 

We fear what we have no say in. 

And so we turn our backs on the beauty of what we crave. 

We hide and complain, 

We fight for the limitations of it and we disregard the fact that it us that is setting up the walls to this beautiful energetic connection. 

It is our eyes that are blinded by fear. 

Hidden from our sight by ego. 

We can not recognize under the veils that we cover ourselves with the falsities of fear.

 

And so it remains elusive. 

And we sit in our inner chaos, 

desiring what we believe it is, 

Wanting always for more. 

And never satisfied. 

Always lost and empty to some degree in the relationship of life. 

With our lovers, ourselves and God.

 

But it is time my love. 

It is time to let go and exhale. 

That is where you will catch me at. 

That is the space that I choose to surrender into and meet you there. 

 

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.” Rumi.

 

Yes here. 

 

Here my love. 

Here is where you will find me, 

Witnessing self and life. 

Exhaling into intimacy. 

Into you. 

Into me. 

Into life. 

 

Will you catch me in the exhale?

 

Breath.

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

It’s time to receive the lover of your dreams.

It’s time to stop fearing the what ifs. 

It’s time to say yes to your F-ck Yes Life, 

Now and forever more. 

 

Reach out to me for coaching opportunities globally.

I WILL FIND YOU.

 

I WILL FIND YOU.

 

As I lay under the starriest of starry nights,

my breath being captivated by the sight of shooting stars,

a crescent moon that I can relax into and my thoughts drift into galaxies unknown before me,

I hear the words….

 

“I will find you.”

 

A distance call from a time unknown,

a feeling of knowing that it is true,

A certainty that I am cradled in this moment by a love deeper than can be fathomed,

held at the breast of of the center of the universe,

and my breath erupts into a rolling gasm of ecstasy.

 

Each inhale carries me further into the brilliance of the night,

each inhale I can feel the earth beneath my body,

a pulse coming from her that is intimate, timeless and supportive.

 

Each exhale is a releasing of my self imposed limitations,

fears and constraints.

 

The exhale of my physical,

and the acceptance of soul.

 

“I will find you.”

 

A celebration of coming home.

A feeling of making love with the universe,

being penetrated by all of time.

 

My hunger for this deep surrender being met in the arms of my greatest lover,

my heart explodes from the revelation that is being offered,

as the night air wraps itself around me and the dewy grass beneath pulls in further,

asking to suckle on my flesh,

while the call of the wild in the distance beats its drum…

 

Calling me home.

Home where I am seen.

Where I am heard.

 

Where I am found.

 

The words are no longer something to be reminded of,

they are here,

in this moment in this wrinkle in time that I never want to let loose of again.

 

Here those words are no longer haunting to my soul,

but they are manifest.

 

I am found,

in the realization that I was never lost.

 

I have been in the arms of my lover since time began.

He has been cradling me,

witnessing my every move,

and hungering for me to awaken so I can see as he does the mysteries around me,

and feel the heartbeat of the earth,

a pulse that carries me away from the static and chaos of the normalcy of the world that is living in fear of being found.

 

Has it always been right here?

Just outside the grasp that I thought that I had.

Beside me,

watching me dance when I thought I was stumbling in the darkness,

but could not see the mystery.

 

” I will find you.”

 

I hear these words calling from the distance of the furthest star in the nights sky,

comets streak the sky,

carrying with them a timeless saga of our souls code,

the sparks of life that transpire and we never notice,

the moments that we take for granted,

allow to go unseen,

and disregard with little to no respect for the magic that makes up our lives.

We are all angels,

fallen and wounded by the tragedies of our past lives unlived,

and we remain broken winged until we choose to breathe in the mysteries of this universe, the magic that can heal us and carry us back to where we know we are to be,

back home.

 

Where we can each be seen in our magnitude,

our voices can be heard singing from the furthest galaxies unknown and known,

and our vision is pure,

because we are found.

We are in our power.

Our wings are open and expanded just as is our breath.

 

The only thing that stands between here,

And where we are each witnessed in our greatest beauty, joy and bliss,

is the illusion that we are not worthy.

 

And to discover our worthiness we must open ourselves to being penetrated by our greatest lover,

we must be willing to expand,

to evolve.

To let go of the constrictive programs and thoughts that chain us to the ground,

we must be willing to put down the fight,

to stop waring within ourselves,

and be willing to know who we are.

Truly who we each are.

Without hesitation or doubt.

 

We must follow that call,

 

” I will find you.”

 

And know that time and space do not exist.

We are eternal,

as is the call that we hear from the distance.

 

It is forever calling us home,

home to where we have no doubt.

No fear or limitations.

 

Asking us to let loose of the chains that we carry so that we can feel the expansion and expression of our worthiness here in this lifetime,

in this fleshy existence that allows us to be enwrapped in a lovers arms,

permits us the opportunity to taste of the wonders and beauty that only human life can offer,

but few slow down to embrace and enjoy.

 

I choose differently.

I choose to open,

here on this dewy grass under the stariest of starry night skies,

with the night breeze dancing through the leaves of trees,

the call of the wild in the distance making itself known.

 

Here I lay,

taken back by the magic,

the orgasmic rush of the earth’s pulse moving through my veins,

with every inhale I feel the depth of the penetration,

my back arches as though there is string coming from my breast and pulling me up to heaven’s gate,

my body rolls and moves to the instrumental vibrations of hearts meeting in the cosmos,

my eye’s roll back and take in the sky from a different perspective,

and I exhale….

 

Releasing into the current.

Letting go of time and space.

 

And allow myself to be taken home.

 

The words that I am reminded of are no more a reminder,

they are here.

 

I am here.

In the arms of my greatest lover.

And he takes me.

 

As I exhale deeper…

 

Deeper.

 

Deeper I am carried.

 

And I am found.

 

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Discover who you are.

Start searching for the life that is before you.

It is time to know your worth and live it.

Claim your life today.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF – I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANTED YOUR SEX, HIS SEX, HIS SEX AND HIS….

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF….

I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANT YOUR SEX…

HIS SEX… HIS SEX… AND HIS…..

 

That’s a hard pill to swallow no matter if you are a man or a woman hearing it from your partner.

 

When the one you have invested your life with,

shared so many firsts with,

are doing this thing called life with,

comes to you and says that they desire to explore another,

or a few others.

 

The first reaction is fear.

The next anger.

And then you question,

“whats wrong with me, why am I not good enough.”

 

It feels like your partner has just told you that you mean nothing to them.

It feels like they just drove a million swords into your heart,

into your love and happiness.

And you find yourself not trusting.

feeling lonely, jealous and mad AF!

 

Whether they have acted on the desire of exploring another or not,

Most people struggle with their partners sharing a hunger for anyone but them.

Most feel threatened that their partner would ever even admire someone else.

Let alone say that they may want to explore someone else.

This goes against everything that we have taught since marriage came into play thousands of years ago.

 

But I tell you this little tidbit of truth in relationships.

No matter if you are in a monogamous or open relationship,

it is crazy stupid to think that all our desire,

all our noticing of others,

all of our attractions end for anyone else on this planet and is to ONLY be directed toward the one that we have sworn our sex too, our hearts too, our lives with.

 

The belief that desiring another is not healthy is perhaps one of the most toxic beliefs that can fall into a relationship.

It causes shame, guilt and separation in the relationship.

It prevents each party from being truly authentic with self or each other, and it creates a victim mindset.

 

Think about it,

In our culture that values but does not uphold monogamy we have programmed ourselves to believe everything that is not coming from love.

 

We say that we unconditionally love someone.

We say that we value honesty and truth above anything.

we say that we want our partner to shine,

to be happy and feel their best.

We claim that freedom is high on our list of desires.

We say that we do not want to own anyone.

And then we do everything in our power to do just the opposite.

 

And we start by preventing our partner from feeling their truth.

and ourselves as well.

 

We start by saying that from here forth we are it for each other.

Neither of us will EVER think about, look at or have a desire for anything or anyone outside of this relationship.

 

And if one of us do,

well we certainly better never admit it,

but if we do have a thought or feeling and it gets seen by the other then that will cause great jealousy and fear.

It will prove that the desiring partner is not to be trusted.

It will prove that the love was not real.

It will prove that there is a lack of commitment.

 

Here we have some of the greatest lies told to humans in relationships.

 

THE LIE THAT JEALOUSY IS NORMAL AND IT IS AN INDICATOR OF LOVE.

 

Jealousy has zero to do with love and everything to do with fear and lack of self-worth. It is about controlling someone else through emotional warfare to hold them in place to where we remain comfortable and feel safe. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity in the one feeling it and has NOTHING to do with actual love.

 

THE LIE THAT YOU SHOULD MEET YOUR PARTNERS EVERY NEED AND IF YOU DON’T THEN YOU ARE INADEQUATE OR THEY ARE TOO NEEDY.

 

This is a most unreal expectation placed on all of us in a relationship.

No one will ever be able to meet someone elses every need. No where else in our life experience are we expected to fulfill every need met for any person in our lives, children, friends or work related, we understand that it takes a village to meet all the needs. However when it comes to our sexual/romantic relationships we believe differently.

 

Here we get trapped in the concept that our partner MUST be our everything. That they must complete us. And if they do not or we cannot for them then we are not good enough or they are not.  If we do everything that we can to fulfill every need and fall short then perhaps our partners are too needy, perhaps they want for too much and are even using us or taking us for granted.

 

When in truth these expectations are simply unreal, causing shame, guilt and feelings of a lack of worthiness or enoughness in one or both parties.

 

THE IDEA THAT YOUR INSECURITIES ARE YOUR PARTNER’S RESPONSIBILITY TO TIP TOE AROUND AND NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK ON.

 

We are told that if our partner loves us then they will do everything in their power to not hurt us. To not harm our feelings and that if our feelings get hurt that it is a direct attack from someone who is being selfish and uncaring. We walk into a relationship expecting the other to magically never trigger us into any negative feelings or thoughts and to be able to read our past memories and current moods and thoughts without us having to say anything to them. And when they do not… OMFG! how disrespectful and uncaring.

The blame game is among one of our favorite games to play because it takes our responsibility away from managing ourselves and allows us to manipulate our partners emotions by having them believe that they are so powerful because of the love that we hold for them to make or break us in any given moment. We expect them to change and to grow, to become better so that we can somehow avoid the hassle of ownership of our own mind, hearts and actions. “You made me feel….” ” You should have known…” etc.

 

The truth is that NO ONE is responsible for our feelings or thoughts. Our hyperactive sensitivity has nothing to with this world or anyone else in it, instead it shows how insecure we are in ourselves about who we are and how we choose to turn over our power consistently in the pursuit to get what we want the most in that moment… control over someone else’s actions, thoughts and feelings.  The only person who can ever help us or change us is the person in the mirror and until we fall in love with that person and fully accept them in all their humanness we will never feel secure in the arms of another.

 

THE BELIEF THAT COMMITMENT IS SYNONYMOUS WITH EXCLUSIVITY.

 

Commitment = Exclusivity is the common belief. If you desire or need any other romantic/sexual or emotional relationship then you are not committed. Matter a fact you are considered to have commitment fears and issues.  This is sort of like saying if you have more than one child you can only be committed to one child and none of the others. There is only so much love to go around. Only so much concern. If you are committed then you should not ever have any curiosity. You should never feel a connection with anyone else.

And if you do, well you are not committed. You are not to be trusted. And certainly do not value the love that you share.

 

When the truth is that these two are not the same.

To be committed is to be dedicated and loyal to someone.

That does not mean that you have to exclude every other person from your life and all relationships that may trigger your partner.

Commitment is something that is unique by definition to each individual, because loyalty or dedication means something different to each.

Yet in many relationships we believe that once we are with someone that we can no longer have friends of the opposite sex, that we have to be completely different around the opposite sex, and we have to close off our personalities, close down the things that we enjoy and avoid at all cost or risk the perception that we are not committed in our relationship. This also comes back to the concept that we are responsible for our partners’ insecurities.

But it is not true.

 

THE IDEA THAT YOUR VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY THEY SPEND WITH YOU, AND ZERO-SUM COMPETITION WITH EVERYTHING ELSE THEY VALUE IN LIFE – INCLUDING OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.

 

When we are in a romantic relationship we feel like we need to attach at the hip.  After all, this person is our person. This is our best friend, our lover, our life partner. We should want to spend as much time together as possible, right. And if they care, if they really love us then there will be zero competition with anything else in their lives. They will want to be with us more than they want to learn that new skill, or play with their hobby, more than they want to work on themselves or build their career, and they most certainly will ALWAYS choose us over any other relationship.

 

Just because we are in a romantic relationship does not mean that all of our desire for everything else should go away.  It does not mean that we stop wanting to explore and expand alone. It does not mean that we must spend every possible waking moment together nor that we need to experience every first with each other. These are ridiculous, illogical ideas that can not be manifested without killing desire for our partner and creating boredom.

In order for us to crave our partners we must expand as an individual. We must have a life outside of our mate.  So often people feel like they have lost themselves, that they don’t know who they are anymore or that their partner does not see them anymore. This all stems from the fact that they prevented the space for growth as an individual and thus lost the magic of the relationship.

 

THE IDEA THAT BEING OF VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER SHOULD ALWAYS MAKE UP A LARGE PORTION OF HOW YOU VALUE YOURSELF.

 

You complete me is a common statement that you hear in romantic relationships.  The idea of being completed by someone lends to it the concept that because we feel fulfilled by a relationship that if that person ever changes or needs for something else or more that in turn we are not of as much value to them therefore we lose our own self-value because the thing that shows of the evidence of being worthy and valuable/lovable has changed.

 

This is crazy. Self-worth, love and value should never be sought for or hinge on anything outside of ourselves and our relationship to self and if we believe in God then to God or Source. The outside world and everyone in it just like ourselves are ever changing. We have no control over what occurs outside of ourselves and if we hinge our value on such we will never be strong in who we are or know ourselves. We will never feel safe or be able to trust.

 

THE IDEA THAT THERE IS A “ONE” OR SOULMATE AND THAT THIS INSURMOUNTABLE LOVE CAN OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLES OR DIFFERENCES.

 

We buy into the idea that there is only “one” true love and that when we find it that it will be able to conquer all challenges.  However, when that does not happen then we feel shortchanged, untrusting and question if love even exists.  The reality is that love, any love has its limits because we do not think of love in an unconditional way. We mix love up with need therefore the love that we desire to achieve in our relationships often comes with many hidden expectations as well as feelings of a need to control it out of fear of losing it. 

The concept of “the one” is beautiful and brings with it the idea that we are uniquely made just for someone else, meaning that we are indispensable to our partner. However this like so many other toxic beliefs in relationships is illogical. We each are unique no matter what, however if we are so needed by someone else is that love or need that is ruling our relationship and thus heart and with that is there any room for each individual to grow, change or transform as life will do to all of us? There is not under the guise of this belief. Because if we evolve as individuals then we may grow out of certain needs with our soulmate. Thus creating separation and a disconnect if both are not growing singularly as well as a couple.

In truth what we see with “the one” is that we are each “the one” for RIGHT NOW for someone and they for us. And maybe that relationship is romantic, maybe it is not.  But what we are to gain from the relationship experience is a greater knowing of self through the experience of another who challenges us, triggers us and calls us forth to become so much more of who we truly are.

 

These relationship myths and beliefs are an under current to our society. They are put on pedestals in our culture from movies and songs, to paintings and literature. They are focused upon in our spiritual study and ingrained in us from our pastors, family and friends.

All of them lead us to a false concept of love.

Unreal expectations of relationships for self and our partners and separation of self by preventing us from not owning our hearts, our thoughts and feelings, let alone our desires and needs out of fear of losing what we call love that is actually control over another.

 

No matter the label that you put on your relationship the question that you should ask of yourself and your partner of RIGHT NOW is,

“Can I be me unapologetically and authentically without a fear of losing you because of me being me? “

 

If you can both answer yes truthfully then you have love and acceptance of self and each other. These are the building blocks to an ever evolving relationship and life.

 

If not, then you need to ask yourself if sacrificing yourself for your lifetime will ever bring you the happiness and love that you are hoping it will?

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to learn more about authentic relating and how to develop a relationship based in unconditional love? Reach out to me to learn more about my couples and individual coaching today.

It’s time to realize that you are worthy of a beautiful relationship.