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Trust, Truth & Establishing Rock Solid In Couplehood.

OUR TRUST IS BUILT ON THE FOUNDATION OF TRUTH…

But is that true?

 

We would like to believe that it is just this way,

however if we are honest with ourselves there is something that is so much more rare, more important and powerful in letting us know that we can trust someone…

 

All relationships need trust in order to be successful.

For us to open to love fully,

to surrender our deepest hearts to another,

to open our bodies to pleasure with our mate,

or to reveal our pain,

we must have TRUST.

 

Through the course of time and engagement with different people in different relationships we learn that trust is hard to have.

We discover that many people all though they “think” themselves trustworthy, believe that they are worthy of being trusted and that their actions and words support that more than often it is not so.

More frequently then not we learn that those that we trust in are acting from a self-centered aspect only giving of themselves and speaking out of a desire to receive and therefore will make themselves into anything needed to be perceived as steadfast and true.

 

But a person who does not know themselves,

who is not able to be true to their own thoughts, feelings and needs and is willing to “pretend” or mask is a person that is far from trustworthy.

 

Only when we can stand firm in self,

uneeding of anyone else to affirm to us that we are good, loveable, worthy, trustworthy, etc. can we be true to someone else.

 

And that is what we are wanting in our relationships.

Especially in our most intimate primary love relationships.

We want to know that our partner is true.

 

We want to know that if the sh*t were to hit the fan that they are there for us, no matter.

We want to know that they have our backs in battle and in love.

We want to know that even if they do not agree with us that they value the relationship more than they value being right or making a point.

 

We want ROCK SOLID.

 

And rock solid comes from unshakable trust in each other.

Trust is established, built and supported not by truth but by support of each other despite opinions, beliefs and even truth.

Trust must come from a harmony of knowing that we are supported fully but also that our partner will be honest with us.

 

Meaning that they will always share their feelings and thoughts around things no matter how different or challenging, but will not allow for those feelings and thoughts to take center stage and offset the unity and foundation of the relationship.

 

There must be an understanding that there is a difference between truth and honesty.

 

Truth is subject to one’s own perception and experiences and then made into a fact unless scientifically revealed. Even our own truth in history is subject to opinion and written by those who conquered for the most part. Often truth is based in a need to be right or to set something straight.

 

Where honesty, although still subject to one’s own perceptions and experience is a sharing of our core views, beliefs and feelings. True honesty is based on surrender and trust of being received.

 

OUR TRUST IS BUILT ON SUPPORT.

 

If you know that you cannot fall, how far can you go in life?

What sort of life challenges can you overcome?

 

If you know that there is no goodbye in your relationship, how deep can you surrender to your soul and into the revealing of it with another?

 

If you know that even if you are wrong in a choice or opinion that your back is had in every turn without question, how much more powerful and even able to hear and see the truth could you be?

 

Trust equals freedom to be you and surrender fully into the relationship.

How are you showing up for your love?

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Explore the depths of what is needed to build trust and enjoy a rock solid commitment with your partner.  Reach out to me for my elite couples coaching today.

 

LISTEN TO IN COUPLEHOOD TRUTH VS. SUPPORT LIVESTREAM NOW.

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Say It With Me! Commitment Is Everything.

OMFG!

So there I was leg up on the lip of my shower,

shaving the back of my thigh,

hot water washing down my back,

irritating me because it was washing out my conditioner prematurely,

when it came to me.

 

I figured out why I have a resistance to love.

Not just to love,

but to allowing myself to fall deeply,

penetratively in love with my man,

with my life,

with ME.

 

I was flabbergasted at my realization. 🤦‍♀️

 

How could I be so silly to not have caught this before.

Perhaps I was just unwilling to see it.

Perhaps I was not ready to fully let go.

Perhaps a whole lot of shit to be frank about it,

and the reality is simple.

 

I,

Me,

have been holding myself back from the feelings and experiences that I have desired for the last two plus years almost.

 

Crazy as it sounds.

It is true.

And thanks to my shower today and now nicely shaved legs,

I was blessed with the ability to change it.

Because you see you cannot change something until you awaken to the fact that it needs changed in the first place.

Which is why life is the way that it is.

Sure we get ample opportunity to see what needs to happen,

we feel it at our cores often,

but we humans tend to disregard anything that is not smack dab in our faces presenting a challenge.

AKA a PROBLEM.

 

Which is why we create problems for ourselves.

We need them to expand.

To grow and to create the life that we are called to live.

 

Problems allow us to witness what needs attention,

what needs improvement,

change.

 

And often they rise up from our “feelings”

yes those nasty things that we are told to not pay much attention too because they will misguide us.

But the reality is that our feelings are there to guide us.

They are there to tell us when we are not in alignment to our souls path.

 

And that causes us pain.

Of some sort.

 

So what do we do?

We get into a sticky painful situation,

and we COMMIT to change our evil ways.

We commit to work harder.

Work smarter.

To not trust so easily.

To take better care of our bodies and our hearts.

We commit to trying harder.

And the list goes on.

 

And don’t get me wrong, commitments make our realities.

 

However, the trick is knowing what you committed to and if the commitment is in alignment with your soul’s desire.

 

You see, this commitment that I made about two and half years ago, was not ultimately in alignment with my heart or soul. It was a commitment made out of pain.

Intense pain, my heart was breaking and I was scared and angry at this for happening. I was not understanding why it was happening or how this could even be. And in my suffering I stated to the person who I blamed with great emotional attachment,

” I will NEVER love again.”

I went on to tell him that I would never trust a man again or surrender the way I had with him, that if this is what it got me then it was too big a price to pay and I was committing to not not allow myself to get hurt again at this level.

 

You may think that those were just words,

that I could just ignore and carry on.

That someone awesome could turn around and walk into my life and change my commitment.

 

And perhaps,

perhaps that might be so.

 

But it has not been so for me.

Instead my other commitments to myself that I wrote down prior to this one above, started to knock heads with this commitment and even though I had manifested a wonderful man into my world,

not just any man BTW,

but a man that I scripted out in my journal and who has 75% of my list of desires in a man,

yeah… not bad for a day’s worth of journaling work.

 

Yeah, not even he could break through this commitment to love.

And so, it has been that the last two years I have consistently kept myself “safe from love” not allowing myself to feel what I have wanted to feel fully and getting repeatedly upset with the world and my life and soul because of it but not catching the root of my issue.

 

MY COMMITMENT.

 

This morning as I thought about it,

and as life would have it all week long,

I have had plenty of opportunity to read through old journal entries as I clean up areas of my home.

 

My soul most certainly is on a mission to CONFIRM to me that I am really great at holding commitment to myself.

Especially commitments made with strong emotional attachment.

 

A few years back,

when I was struggling financially to get over the $100k a year mark in my practice, I committed to myself and wrote it faithfully for months on end in my journal that,

 

“I commit to make no less than $95,000 a year from this moment forward.”

 

That year I made $146k.

And I have not looked back since.

 

I also wrote,

” I commit to having my schedule booking out 4 months in advance.”

 

And it still remains so that my schedule is booking 4 to 6 month in advance.

 

” I commit to being recognized on TV.”

 

And shortly thereafter, was called by Lifetime TV to work on an episode of Married at First Sight.

 

My list of commitments is long.

My list of emotionally supported commitments is long.

Some emotions however, support my soul’s desires.

And some do not.

 

My shower realization is that although commitments are thought to be a good thing,

and they most certainly do mean the world.

That what we as individuals need to understand,

is the true power of our words.

 

Of our commitments to self.

And what we say in passion sticks with us and sometimes can get buried under our day to day lives and thoughts.

 

Sometimes these commitments we carry for a lifetime,

and they can be the root cause to us not thriving no matter how hard we work,

to not feeling love, no matter how hard we love,

to not feeling safe,

no matter how hard we try and make ourselves trust.

 

Commitments make our realities.

Let’s start being conscious of them,

and changing the ones that no longer serve.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Watch: Say It With Me!Commit to NOT Lick Your Phone

 

Take advantage right now of a lifetime opportunity to work with me in my intensive 4 week mastermind where you get to work 1:1 with me to learn the keys that I woke up to back in 2009 and changed my whole life outcome with.  Let me guide you through the turbulence of the storms and show you the power of letting go of fear so that you can create the life of dreams, you know that you desire and deserve it. Let’s make it happen. Message me for deet’s

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So You Think You Can Poly? Why so many monogamous couple’s are turning toward open relationship.

So you think you can poly?
You think you can do open relationship?

Right now I have a bunch of couples coming to me with the desire to open their relationship up.
I have a bunch of singles who desire to get into an open relationship as well.
What’s up with all the openness?

I will tell you what’s up with all the openness…
Open relationships are effing amazing!
They are built on an unconditional love and acceptance that most monogamous relationships could only ever dream of.
Open relationships when done right,
are all about each partner giving themselves and each other the permission and support to explore who they really are and to get their needs and desires met how they feel fit without the fear of loosing their primary partner.
Open relationships encourage each partner to truly work on themselves and move through their limiting belief structures,
through their fear based needs and ideas around jealousy and control equalling love.

Open relationships are hardly ever about the sex.
Although sex is a big part of the relationship guidlines and agreements,
sex is never what it is ultimatly about.
And here is why…

Anyone can go get laid pretty easily.
If you are a female,
there is free, easy to get sex around every corner, no matter your age, looks or anything else.
If you are man, yeah it can certainly be a bit harder ( no pun intended..lol- okay maybe intended)
but at the end of the day if you truly desire it and have a bit of confidence then there is a chick who will hand it over pretty easily.

So sex is not difficult to get.
But thats just friction based, empty sex.
There is nothing too it.
No heart, no soul, no connection.
Its just skin rubbing skin ending with a pump, pump ooohhh, goo, moment.

And that is most likely part of the problem in the primary relationship that triggered this whole idea to open the relationship to start.

Heartless, quick, empty, friction based sex on one side or both.

Opening up the relationship is because one partner if not both feels lost in who they are.
They are starving to be seen, felt and understood.
They are hungry for a deep orgasm.
And that deep orgasm can only come about with care,
with some feelings attached to the person they are dancing with.
Or else, its pointless.
It’s empty and in truth sorta traumatizing to the mental and emotional houses.

Opening up is about realizing that not all connection is equal.
Realizing that NO ONE person will ever, or can ever fill all of our needs. That when we are closed that we will live out our lives only meeting one aspect of self as well.
When we open, it is more about us meeting all the facets of who we are, then about getting laid or having an orgasm.
Opening up is about allowing yourself to breathe into self,
to explore different venues of the mind, the emotions, the physical body.

If you have had sex with more than one person in your life,
then you can pause a moment and think about the different ways each partner made you feel. You can think about how you reacted, conversed differently with each person. How each person, taught you new things about life, or revealed different likes or thoughts, even personalities of the self.

This is why people open.
We grow weary and bored with the self.
We become numb to all this beauty we hold in ourselves,
and we forget who we are.
Our candles grow dim and we need someone to strike a match and help light us up again to all the treasure we have within.

A person who lives in fear of loosing their partner prevents themselves and their partner from ever authentically showing up in the relationship or in the sex. Fear creates an energy of neediness,
fear creates a desire to control outcomes,
and a belief that if our partner loved us truly then they would always put us first.
After all we are the primary partner.
We are the significant other.
We are the life mate.

In truth, the relationship that must hold center stage for any person,
is the relationship with self.
And when we choose to disregard the relationship with self,
we close ourselves to all we have to offer this life,
to offer our partner,
our family and friends.
And we slowly die within.

So yes, this may seem like I just said you need to be selfish in relationship and put yourself in front of EVERYONE else,
and I did say that.
It’s true.
You will never be able to fill the needs of those you love if your vessel is empty.
You must put self- care first.
and in open relationship,
this is understood and honored.
We best honor and love our primary partners and all relationships in our lives when we take care of self in all area’s first.
Now, don’t let this statement lead you to believe that open relationship is about partners demanding things left and right without care to anyone else’s feelings or needs.
Only a self- centered person does that.
And self-centeredness and selfishness are vastly different things.

No, in open relationship the partners discuss needs,
discuss ideas on how to best support each other,
and know that in order to remain deeply rooted in each other and keep their relationship primary,
that they MUST set healthy guidelines, boundaries and agreements in place and honor them.
They know the importance of setting aside time for connection daily and weekly with each other,
keeping the relationship that they claim as a primary,
just that…
PRIMARY FOCUS.
but they do so by honoring themselves as well and speaking their needs and desires. Understanding that sometimes their partner cannot give them what they want or need in that moment.

Yes, open relationship equals difficult, real, raw conversations.
Open relationship means a willingness to see and hear your partners truth and know that you cannot always be the one to support them the way they need.
Open relationship understands that intimacy and vulnerability, truth and answers are not always pleasing or easy to step into.
But that it is what is needed if we truly love someone.
Unconditionally.

Today I ask you to look at your relationship,
no matter the label you identify with.
I ask you to look at your relationship and ask yourself these simple questions,

“Am I making my primary relationship, primary? And how am I doing this?”

“Am I acting out of fear and control in my relationship, or am I offering authentic unconditional love and support?”

“Do I feel that my partner owes me anything or is responsible for my feelings? If so how is this serving either of us or our relationship?”

And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Want to learn about opening up in relationship or want to keep it monogamous but practice the conversations and relating skills of an open relationship? Message me today for deet’s on 1:1 coaching opportunities.

 

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Commitment to Your Nightmare or Your Dream?

There are moments in our lives that we just KNOW without a doubt that its TIME.
 
It’s time to shut up and CHOOSE instead to SHOW up.
It’s time to STOP putting in empty action but instead CALL from within our truth,
our deisre, our KNOWING.
 
Yes these are the times that we encounter repeatedly in our lives in so many areas.
 
However, only a small chosen few actually realize these moments. The rest choose to ignore what their inner knowing has to say and completely disregard the urges from SOUL.
 
Thus, leading them down a bleak and dim life path filled with anxiety, fear, doubt, shame and discord. They turn and avoid the images of their dreams,
they make light and joke about the horrors that they are facing,
they gossip and get caught up in immaturities,
they finger point and focus on what is wrong.
And they do it because they are afraid.
Afraid to say YES…
 
Yes to SOUL.
 
Instead choosing to beleive the bogus tales of keeping themselves so busy that they have no time to expand,
to grow, to enjoy the life that is offered them,
and they beleive that by remaining so busy that they will lessen the pain of not having the life that they desire.
When in truth what they are accomplishing is the very creation of more pain.
Vaster seperations.
Deeper versions of bondage.
And they are sacrificing themselves,
their dreams,
their SOULS to Average and Ordinary.
 
They are committing to NOT HAVING.
And they are committing with all the best intentions and ideas.
The self emposed limitations that they have been raised to be their truth,
hold them in captivity from everything.
They believe that life is unsafe and non-supportive to what their hearts desire might be.
They fall prey to the beliefs of their parents,
thier grandparents and society,
both church and state.
Picking up the shakles and locking them on themselves,
in the effort to do what is right.
To be responsible.
Mature.
A good citizen.
A good parent, friend, partner, daughter, brother, etc.
They establish the boundaries that have always been there,
committing to this old paradime,
and closing their eye’s to all other possibilities.
 
KNOWING what they know,
believing what they know.
They look to the future as something outside of themselves,
they look at thier dreams with a light huff,
a tad bit of hope,
and a deep knowing that it won’t happen,
at least not NOW.
 
In this they are committing to never having.
Because SOMEDAY never comes.
and the reson they want what they want is to make themselves happier, feel more complete,
feel free, connected, joy, satisfied.
 
The commitment is intense.
The belief of what IS is powerful.
And the creation of their nightmares is real.
 
But here it is beautiful,
YOU are in charge.
You get to commit to what you want,
if you will only choose to focus your energy and your actions on what your SOUL is leaading you too,
instead of what your fear is dictating to you,
you will realize quickly that you are POWERFUL.
 
Because You Are!
So I ask you today beautiful….
Are you committed to your dream or your nightmare?
 
 
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
It’s time for you to say yes to who you really are beautiful. It s time for you to commit to who you are,
to your soul and say YES.
 
Let’s work together 1:1 to bring you into the next decade of your life, the next year of your life fully embodied and activated.
 
Message me for deets on 1:1 coaching now.
*photo credit to Photography In Wonderland
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You Are Being A Chicken Shit About Your Dreams.

You are being a total chicken shit about your dreams!
 
It’s time to get real and stop all the effing excuses.
You can keep up with the blah, blah cheap talk that you are giving them but you know that you are still not 100% committed to them.
 
Cuz if you were then this shiz would be majorly different,
wouldn’t it?
 
But it ain’t.
 
And that is because you are effing scared to fully step in and have what you want.
Be who you were called to be.
And own your MOFO power.
 
So what is the hold back beautiful?
 
What has you consistently denying your dream life?
 
You say that it is because you don’t have the resources at this time that you need to make it happen.
 
You claim that its a timing thing,
a money thing,
a space thing,
a focus thing,
a some dumb f-ck thing….
 
But none of that is true,
and you know it.
 
It’s because some where back there in your history,
you got really angry with it.
You got so angry with your dreams for letting you down,
for not manifesting the way that you wanted them too,
for allowing you,
and leading you into what you perceive as suffering and loss.
You got so upset with them BABY,
that part of you divorced them.
And you have been teetering on finalizing that divorce or recommitting ever since.
 
It hurts doesn’t it?
That feeling that you carry with you.
That weight on your shoulders that just will not go away.
That pain in your chest that feels like a constant throb of anxiety,
and that tension in your gut.
 
It’s been there now for so long,
you are almost scared that if you let go of it,
that, that void from it will be too much for you to bare.
And you fear that if you let go and forgive yourself and your dreams for things not turning out just how you once thought would be perfect and a fairy tale happy ending,
that you will never feel so deeply in love with them or with life again.
You fear that you will never have what you once believed was possible and you are caught up on the not having of that perfect picture you were creating when they let you down in that brutal fashion that caused all this turbulence to start with.
 
You are blaming your dreams.
You are holding your dreams responsible for YOU not staying committed to them.
And that is a chicken shit move.
 
No matter what happened back there when you originally let go of them and started your path of sabotage,
no matter how hurt or scorned you may have felt or still do today,
shiz don’t always go exactly the way we want it too.
 
You know that.
You gotta put your big girl panties on and you gotta let go and commit back to your faith.
 
That faith that carried you into all that beauty.
That faith that ignited your SOUL.
That faith that was your MOFO wings gorgeous.
 
Your worthiness never changed because your heart got stung.
 
That has nothing to do with your worthiness.
And most certainly is not good enough a reason to live at half mast.
 
When you are in your light,
when you are turned on and fully embracing of your worth,
when you are in love with life,
 
YOU ARE UNSTOPPABLE.
 
But in order for you to regain that power,
you have to get back to YOU.
 
And that means to let go of your pain,
and stop blaming your dreams for everything.
 
They are only the wind beneath those powerful wings of yours,
not the arrows that knocked you down.
 
Those came from your fear.
Your fear of not being good enough.
Your fear of being too much.
Your fear of your own inner radiance.
 
But god does not make unworthy things.
And you beautiful are unstoppable.
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Permission & Commitment for the F*ck YES! Life

 
I am abundant in all things.
I am radiant, on purpose, magnetic and full of joy.
I am perfect just the way I am,
Worthy without explanation.
 
I commit to show up every moment of every day from a deep place vulnerable and centered place in my soul.
 
I commit to surrender to the call of my soul,
to my hearts desire.
Because my hearts desire is God’s desire.
 
I commit to breathe in the abundance and joy of this life.
Fully expressing myself.
Because there is but only one expression of me.
 
I commit to love openly, authentically and fully.
I commit to be unapologetic in all that I do.

 

I give myself full permission to live a F*ck YES! Life.

A life based in freedom.
Based in heart.
Based in flow.
 
I give myself full permission to HAVE IT ALL.
 
I commit to allowing my soul to guide my words, hands, and actions.
 
I commit to being unapologetically me.

Un-f*cking STOPPABLE BadA*s Me!

 
I commit to share my message daily from here.
And attract a tribe that desires and aligns to the same calling.
 
–KW

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

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Risk It All – You Are Worth It

This morning I find myself sitting here feeling some uncalled for tension in my shoulder and neck. I did not wake with it. I was not consciously thinking thoughts of stress, negativity or scarcity. Yet here I sit.
 
I sit in this place and even as I type, I feel tears wanting to come up and be released.
 
The more I inquire and search within for
 
where they are coming from?
why am I feeling this tension?
 
I discover an emptiness.
A lost-ness.
 
There is no answer rising to the surface. Just emotion and physical repercussions of the emotion.
 
So I write.
I turn on one of my favorite Binaural Beats music sound tracks and I listen.
 
Hoping to change my frequency.
Hoping to release this charge of energy that is causing this.
Hoping that my energy will switch back to where I was at waking.
 
So I share.
I share with you to share my intimacy of being human.
I share with you to show that we all have internal work to do.
I share with you to say, it’s okay.
 
It’s okay to get tripped up.
It’s okay to feel pain.
It’s okay to not have the answers.
 
So I feel.
I feel into this space of not knowing and even though it is scary to not know I do KNOW that everything always happens for a reason and works out for my highest and best good.
 
I feel into this dark closet of my emotions and breathe deep and MAKE A DECISION to hold space for myself.
 
I feel into this uncomfortable vibration and realize that it is here to tell me an important message.
 
The message?
The message is that I allowed myself to step out of alignment with God.
 
Out of alignment with my core.
Out of alignment with my joy and well-being.

 

The message is that when we are in alignment, life will flow and FEEL GOOD.

 
The message is that we are ALWAYS being guided,
We often do not see the path,
However we are ALWAYS being guided.
 
The message is to TRUST.
What does Alignment look and feel like?
 
It looks and feels like TRUST.
It looks and feels like SURRENDER.
It looks and feels like LETTING GO.
 
Alignment will appear as RISK.
On the front side I have noticed that anytime I lean in more, trust more, surrender more, that I feel like I am risking everything.
 
And I am risking EVERYTHING.
I am risking what I have ALWAYS KNOWN
for EVERYTHING I HAVE ALWAYS DESIRED.
 
So I write.
I write this to help myself come back into that space of KNOWING.
I write this to support my core and to see the steps that I must take, I am already taking.
I write this because my SOUL needed to SPEAK to my MIND.
 
So I share.
I share this with you this morning to GIVE YOU INSIGHT.
I share this with you this morning to remind you to have compassion for yourself.
I share this with you this morning to remind you that YOU HAVE ALL the answers within you.
 
Is it as easy as just making your mind up to TRUST
To SURRENDER,
To LET GO?
 

Yeppers.

It is!

 

Only in committing to yourself will you ever BECOME who you were BORN TO BE.

 
Trust in your day.
Trust in your heart.
Trust in your soul.
Trust in God.
 
And Risk all that you are COMFORTABLE with For ALL THAT YOU ARE.
 
Stop Settling for Less.
You are WORTH MORE.
 

Leap this morning into the life that your heart desires.

 

It wants you!!!!

 

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living!

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

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Are You A Fuck Yes to Your Relationship?

209787-Live-A-Fuck-Yes-LifeFUCK YES OR NO

Think about this for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?

There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. As a man, a huge question is often whether to be persistent and continue pursuing a woman even when she seems lukewarm or hot/cold on your advances. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.

“She said she’s not interested, but she still flirts with me, so what do I need to do to get her?”
“Well, I know she likes me, but she didn’t call me back last weekend, what should I do?”
“He treats me well when he’s around, but he’s hardly around. What does that mean?”

Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that.

Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving.

Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. This is where you get rules about making men pay for this many dates before you can become intimate. Or how men need to transition from attraction phase to comfort phase by qualifying three times before they’re allowed to commence an escalation ladder.

These things may seem clever and exciting to some people who are stuck or frustrated. But this dating advice misses the point. If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.

Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?

What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?

You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?

The entrepreneur Derek Sivers once wrote a blog post where he said, “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” It served him well in the business world and now I’d like to apply it to the dating world. And because I’m more of a vulgar asshole than Derek is, I’ll christen mine The Law of “Fuck Yes or No.”

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

As you can see, The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.

This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:

  1. No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.
  2. No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
  3. Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
  4. Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
  5. Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is applicable to dating, sex, relationships, even friendships. You may have absolutely nothing in common with that bartender. But they’re hot and are interested in getting down. Is it a “Fuck Yes!” for sex? It is? Then game on.

Wrapped up in that sweet guy who treats you so well, except goes weeks without calling you and suddenly disappears after a couple drinks and a round of the horizontal polka? Been wondering if he really likes you? Do his excuses of being so busy all the time seem legit? It doesn’t sound like the answer is a “Fuck yes.” Then it’s time to move on.

Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and you shouldn’t pressure her. The best sex is “Fuck Yes” sex — i.e., both people are shouting “Fuck Yes” as they hop between the sheets together. If she’s not hopping, then there’s no fucking.

(Hint Fellas: This is a great time to ask the girl why she’s not comfortable, and what she’s looking for from you. That, by itself — you know, treating her like a human and empathizing with her — often solves this “problem.”)

Want to date that woman you met last weekend but she keeps ignoring your texts and calls? Not sure what to say or do, especially since she seemed so happy to go out with you when you initially met her? Well, my friend, this is obviously not a “Fuck Yes.” Therefore, it is a “No.” Delete her number and move on.

Fuck Yes or No applies to relationships as well. My girlfriend works with a guy who got married because “it seemed like the right thing to do.” Four years later, he was cheating on his wife every chance he got. The marriage was not a Fuck Yes for him, therefore it should have been a No.

Sometimes The Law of Fuck Yes or No will apply differently on different levels. You may be a “Fuck Yes” for friendship with someone, but mildly excited to have sex with them. Therefore, it’s a no. You may be a “Fuck Yes” on banging someone’s brains out, but a definite “No” on actually spending any time with them. Apply the law to your decision-making as it suits your current needs.

Fuck Yes or No doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be falling in knee-wobbling love at first sight. It doesn’t even mean you have be completely convinced that someone is right for you. You can be “Fuck Yes” about getting to know someone better. You can be “Fuck Yes” about seeing someone again because you think there’s something there. You can be “Fuck Yes” about giving things a few months to pan out and see if you can fix the problems in the relationship.

The point is: both you and the other person need to be fuck yes about something, otherwise you’re just wasting your time.

A common Fuck Yes response from a woman. Flowers and all.
A common Fuck Yes response from a woman. Flowers and all.

But the real beauty of The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is that it simplifies the problems you can have in your dating life. When applying the Law of “Fuck Yes or No,” there are really only two problems one can have.

The first problem is people who never feel a “Fuck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.

Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting.

The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “Fuck Yes” for them. If all of the people you pursue give you a mild response, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.

And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry, whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness.