You say that you want a partner for life.
To get married.
To feel secure in your relationship.
But what does this really mean?
All too often I am working with a client who is wanting to find โthe oneโ or is questioning if they have found them already, but wonder how they can guarantee this?
Perhaps, they are single and dating, but not having the results that they hoped for and just keep dating people who let them down or are โcommitment-phobes.โ Or, they have been dating someone for months, perhaps even years and still uncertain about where the relationship is moving too or not. Maybe, they are in a domestic union, or so they believe they are because they have moved-in together and it is no longer in a boyfriend/girlfriend feeling, but more along the lines of a seemingly committed relationship or union but still, there is an uncertainty from one or both people.
If this sounds like something that you are experiencing or have in the past then I am speaking to you today.
Not all โcommitted relationshipsโ are actually committed.
Some people are very comfortable wasting another personโs time in this arena of love and relationship. They will stay with you for a very long time but will never โput a ring on it.โ
Here is the reality, often in our dating and relating world we can be a plan B to our partner. We are not what our partner actually wants, however they will remain around us, in relationship with us, having sex with us and even playing house for the benefits that we provide to them.
Many of my clients have shared stories with me of dating someone for years and then realized that their boyfriend/girlfriend was never going to marry them. Right now, I have a beautiful female client in Europe who is going through this very event. Three years together, they live together, travel the world together and have plans for different things, however any time she broaches the subject of marriage, he disconnects, gets upset and says that she is pushing things too fast and being needy. I, myself have experienced this scenario multiple times and have spent countless empty years of working toward a real partnership for life only to find out five or six years down the road that my boyfriend never saw me as โthe one.โ
Itโs heartbreaking and traumatic to realize that you have spent time, energy, and opened up your heart to someone who actually has zero intent on making a real commitment to you.
If you have been through something like this, then you know the bitterness and resentment that can come from it as well as how detrimental it is to your self-confidence moving forward.
I am always telling my clients that the man leads the physical movement of the relationship, this simply means that it is in his court to take the steps toward commitment with a woman. The commitment of marriage, which should never be taken lightly, is something that the masculine is to drive if he wants to assist his woman in being in her most feminine state of power and support to him. He must be the one to make the call on how the relationship will unfold and where they as a couple are headed. If it is left to the woman, then she will be forced to step into her masculine energy and will lose her respect and desire for him.
I share this because, first we live in a society where women are getting told that it’s good or even okay to chase a man and make the moves, drive the relationship, etc. And although the woman certainly needs to be clear on what she is wanting and needing in a partner and relationship, it is still the man who needs to lead this process. Next, it is well known that men are logical creatures and make their mind up about a woman relatively quickly, that being within a few months of dating. He knows if he sees her as his wife and future or not.
Yet, still so often men in this situation will lead a woman on for some time, as will women with men. How do we know if our hearts have been placed with someone who is serious though?
Five Subtle Yet Overt Signs Youโre Not in a Relationship That Will Lead to Marriage Commitment Ever!
The relationship is not moving forward. Male or female we move the relationship forward by elevating each other in the presence of others. We make each other a priority – meaning, not only do we want to spend time with our potential partner more, but we also put others things to the side, consistently. This does not mean that we are playing hooky from work to have nookie with our lover, but it does mean that we are setting aside time for them, that we are communicating our lives, dreams, visions, goals with them and that we are inclusive with them in all areas of our life. We are making life plans with them in it. Often, we see this when we come together and become friends, then start the courtship process of dating. However, if it never goes beyond this phase or if you are in a living arrangement with someone and they become comfortable but become less consistent in their sharing or inclusion then it is a big red flag that they do not see us as โthe one,โ but are just comfortable with us to fill that space for the time.Anger and defensiveness when asked about plans for the future or commitments. Frequently, I will hear a client tell me that they brought up plans or ideas around how the future may look and their partner gets frustrated and says that they are moving too fast, being needy, things are not yet at that point, they need to see certain things happen before being able to take that step or that a lot has happened in their relationship thus far. Making it sound like the partner asking, has some correction needed before a real commitment can happen. People get mad or defensive only when they see something wrong with what you are saying.Why should anyone get mad or defensive when you ask about their plans for you and your relationship? Itโs because they have zero plans for you or are not sure you are the one. Many people like us to be in their lives because of something that we bring to their lives, but unfortunately this value is not enough to actually make the commitment of marriage for so they will lead you on for potentially years until they find someone else or they get tired of the relationship and you asking. You donโt have to pressure someone to make a commitment if they really want to be with you, instead when you ask such questions, they will assure you and comfort you.Makes endless excuses to not get married. No one really wants to be alone. Everyone wants to have someone by their side, to live and share life with. We may want our independence, but we value the strength and blessings of interdependence more, meaning we see the power and gift in being with someone and how it can benefit our lives for our greatest well-being. So if someone is saying that they are not ready yet, or the timing is not right, then it means that they donโt want to spend the rest of their lives with you. Granted early on in a relationship ( the first year or so) we may not be ready, we may still be getting to know each other and vetting, but after that point, you should know, you do know. If you are still not ready or they are not, it is a revealing of one’s true intentions for the relationship and their potential partner and that is there is no intention. When we know that someone is our husband or wife, we act with intention and certainty, we show that person that even if situations are not right that we are moving that direction and we are not slow moving about it. We have a sense of urgency with our partner.Dropping hints that they are not ready to get married. Some people drop hints early on and others later. Some are bold with hints while others are soft, mainly because they donโt want to hurt your feelings or are fearful that letting you go will hurt you so badly that it will set you back in life in some way. When someone says, โI donโt like the idea of marriage. – Marriage is overrated – we are not a great fit – my family or friends would not be okay with us getting married – I am too old/young to get married – maybe when your kids are older or my kids are older maybe after I get my finances more stable or this promotion.โ This is a clear indication that they are not interested in spending the rest of their life with you.They show you that you are not a priority in their life. Again, shown in little and big ways. Such as when something happens at work or with friends or family and they do not share it with you, or when they buy something new or make plans for themselves such as a trip, buying a new car, starting a new job, or even something smaller like buying a watch and they do not tell you about it right away. These are all ways of saying that you are not a priority to them – you were not the first person that they thought of to share their lives with. We share things with people that we want to be around in our lives. It does not matter who you have met in their lives, or how close these other people are, it simply can mean that they are too close to your partner for them to avoid and not include. Donโt be deceived by the fact that you have met all the important people in their life or been to a work function or two.The take away here is that even if your lives look intertwined, they may not be. Paying attention to these signs can help you know where the future of your relationship headed or not.
For the singles out there, if you are not ready to take on this level of engagement and commitment with someone by month six of your blossoming relationship or you are seeing this from the person you are dating, be aware that you or this other person is simply saying, โNot it!โ
We get into an intimate relationship in hopes of long- term commitment, often marriage. To feel safe and secure. To know that we matter to someone and that they are and will be there for us through the thick and thin, not just while we are having fun and good sex. Committed relationship is not about sticking your toe in and testing the waters for years, but for diving in and building something together. Because together is always better than alone, although alone is better than inauthentic and being someone’s comforting plan B.