Safety In Relationships – What That REALLY Means!

Safety In Relationships – What That REALLY Means!

 

Relationship. 

Most humans want a relationship, 

They are looking to be loved, to be cherished and cared for. 

One of the main things I hear over and over again in my couple’s work or when working with a client who has recently come out of a relationship is that they “just want to feel safe.”

 

The word safe, the concept of safety in an intimate relationship is one that seems like it should be a ‘no duh’ sorta thing, right?

 

I mean, why would you get into a relationship with someone if you don’t feel safe?

That is causing you some sort of harm. 

Often, though, the word safe does not mean that one is being abused. 

It does not mean that they are being harmed in any physical or emotional fashion even, 

All it is in relation to is that the individual doesn’t feel that they can trust their partner with their most intimate realms, with their needs, fears, complaints, opinions, or true ideas around certain topics without their words and feelings being used against them somewhere down the road. 

 

And these are BIG issues in modern intimate relationships of all manner. 

 

The ability to trust and be vulnerable with our mate is what is required if we are to truly be able to rest in the arms of the relationship and enjoy happiness, connection, and longevity. 

If we are aiming to go the long haul with someone then we must be able to trust them and reveal ourselves. 

 

ALL of ourselves. 

Although NOT all of the time. 

I should make the critical point here that the concept that trust and vulnerability, knowing everything that there is to know about each other and providing a space where there is nothing hidden is and often can be detrimental to the relationship. We must understand that we will never fully know any other human being on this planet in totality. We must as well understand and accept that always stating the “brutal honest truth” is not always the healthiest nor most loving thing for the relationship. Sometimes the “brutal truth” is a criticism that doesn’t need to be stated at that moment and will quickly trigger an old wound that will manifest into an avalanche of pain and disconnection for the couple. Sometimes, these painful “truths” need to be swallowed by the one who is wanting to share them because they only cause harm to the entity of “us” to the relationship and thus to the individuals in the relationship. 

 

We see this consistently in arguments. 

How many times have you found yourself losing sight of the point that you were originally wanting to make or the solution that you were wanting to find because  you or your partner were triggered and thus an argument stirred up and all points were lost?

 

Next thing you know, one harsh word is quickly followed by another and there is an assasination of each person’s character happening. Creating further wounding and separation as each enter the blame game and armour up in their towers against the enemy that they call their soulmate. 

 

Safety in relationship means simply that I can trust you to care about me. 

To want what is best for me. 

To care about my feelings. 

And to not use them against me down the road. 

 

The saying that all is fair in love and war is pretty accurate however, and we tend to file away the things that our partners share with us in deep vulnerability only to use it for ammo another day. 

 

Unfortunately, this tactic only leads to separation, fear to share, to open up and creates a space where both parties do not trust the other. 

 

In early stage relationship ( the courting phase and honeymoon) we desire to learn all that we can about our mate. We are mesmerized by their hearts, how they see life, what they have lived through, what their dreams are and fears. We want them to know that we have their backs, that we are a rock for them that will not waiver. Our rose tinted glasses keep us focused on “what we can do for them” and the beauty of the entity of “us” that makes up this relationship. We intently listen with limited judgement about their past and present. And we offer all the same of ourselves. 

 

Give a couple years of relationship and we almost 100% of the time find a radically different dynamic happening. 

 

Now, we find exhaustion in our partners fears and dreams. 

We look at the relationship and we say, “What have you done for me lately?”

We point out all the times that we were there and they were not. 

We find ourselves drifting off in judgement and criticism in our heads and thoughts when our partner shares with us, and we believe that we know them so well that we already know what they will be sharing about their thoughts and feelings around any given topic. 

 

This is where the statement of:

 

“You always…”

“You never…”

And so many more “YOU” comments are birthed. 

 

From the very first vocalizations of these comments we no longer have our focused on the entity of “us” or a desire to make the relationship better, but instead we have turned our attention to the blaming of our partner and all that they have done to create pain for us. 

 

Not realizing that we have been triggered by something, 

That we are not in alignment or agreement with what they have shared. 

Most often, this is seen when one partner is sharing a feeling.

The other will feel guilt, irritation, frustration, fear, anger  around the feeling shared and it translates to them that their partner is blaming them for the feeling. 

However, no one is responsible for our feelings. 

No one can make/force you to feel anything. 

Feelings come from within. From the way we are viewing things, how we relate that to our past and the perceptions that we are having about our current or future. 

You see, when our partner shares a feeling with us that we do not agree with, we stop being able to hear them accurately after 10 seconds. That is about three sentences worth of sharing before you drift off into your own inner dialogue about what your partner is attempting to share.

 

And before you know it you are reacting to your story line about what is happening instead of the truth. 

 

It’s sorta like your partner says, “ I feel hungry.” 

And you instantly feel guilty for not having food available, ready or making an offer to them to eat something. So your reaction without the conscious thought about why you are responding the way you are is, “ We just had lunch two hours ago.”

Your tone is of frustration or irritation as to “how could they be hungry again?”

Next thing you know the tone of your comment says to your partner, “He/she does not care that I am hungry and instead is angry with me about being hungry. Maybe I should not be hungry. I don’t want my partner to be upset with me.”

 

If this scenario is repeated multiple times over a relationship it creates a pattern. 

And it plays on the program that the majority of us have from childhood that says that we don’t want to be a nuisance or to ask for our needs if its going to cause issues. 

 

And, so we quickly learn that even in our most intimate loving relationships that we are not safe to reveal our feelings or needs. That there are conditions to being loved by this other individual and that we need to abide by them in order to remain in the relationship. 

 

Now the example above may seem silly to some, because if you feel hungry then you feel hungry. The same as if you feel cold. Who are any of us to argue with someone feeling either of these things. We are not in their bodies. 

Yet, over and over again we argue with our mates about how they feel and try to disarm those feelings by making them less or turning our partners feelings into poisonous darts that we assume are deliberately aiming at our egos.

 

Making neither party feel safe in the relationship.

Both are now questioning how much they can reveal, how much they can trust and in turn often choose to not share as much moving forward. 

 

Creating separation and surface level communication, loving, sharing and intimacy. 

Depth dissipates and the two people become individuals again instead of residing in the entity of “us.”

 

Always on the lookout for the next time their partner says something that reminds them of when… and how it made them feel…

 

If we are to have “safety” in a relationship then we need to respect one anothers feelings, understanding that feelings are just that, feelings and there is no right or wrong way to feel. 

It most certainly is not our place to be judge and jury over our mates feelings about anything. 

What we can do to create a safe container for our love to evolve and grow is to become a better witness of our own mind and heart. To acknowledge that we are far from perfect ourselves and that we get triggered by our mates. If we want to have depth and trust in the relationship, then we need to take responsibility for our own realms and feelings and learn how to better communicate them and when so that we do not add to the fires of war but instead speak what is true. Becoming aware of our egos, our pain bodies and how our past impacts our current perceptions and ideas is vital to harvesting a strong, loving, connected relationship. 

 

However ,the only person on this planet that can do that for you is YOU.

And it will require you to want an empowered relationship with yourself first and then with your partner. It will force you to see your shadow self as well as your radiance and to learn timing, non-violent communication, what your real needs, wants and expectations are in your relationship and an upleveld way of sharing them. 

 

Relationships are not for the timid or weak hearted.

If you are among the many that believe that you can just get in one, set it to auto pilot and all is good, you will find yourself lost and alone pretty quickly. At very least feeling empty. 

Relationship with another human being means that you will have to explore a new you, over and over again. And the same of your mate. 

 

For time together, means transformation of the self and the entity of “us.”

 

Ready?

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

-KW

The body holds memory in its cells. Your organs, joints and muscles all contain emotional memory. Doing the mental/psychological work is vitally important however it does not release you from the bondage of your trauma. This can only be fully accomplished through physical release and restoration. Louise Hay studied this at great length and taught on the emotional connection to disease, ancient Chinese medicine studied the connection of the mind/body/emotional houses as well. Today science is proving that we are woven together and that by attempting to compartmentalize our very being into sections that we do not achieve the healing and transformation that we desire for any length of time because of this separation.

If you are tired of not having the lasting results in your self-growth and healing that you so badly want for and wonder why, look no further. Reach out to me today for your exploratory consult for structural quantum integration work where you will once and for all release the past traumas, restore vitality and health and have a fresh clarity on who you are and what your future can be.

Email me today for your FREE Explorative Consult for this Exclusive Bodywork Series.

THE SEXIEST STATE OF A WOMAN. (OR MAN)

💃💃WE WOMEN ARE AT OUR SEXIEST WHEN WE ARE VULNERABLE.💃
Vulnerability is potentially one of scariest words that we humans have ever come up with.
We often view vulnerability as weakness.
Because when we allow for ourselves to be vulnerable we also run the risk of opening ourselves up to all sorts of pain.
👉Especially when we discuss intimate relationship. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨
Yet, intimate relationship is THE RELATIONSHIP that we hold expectation around that it is our safe haven. This other human being loves us, cares about us and wants to have our backs.
They desire to see all aspects of us.
And that means that we have to surrender to vulnerability.
With that in mind, it’s a damn difficult thing to drop our guards, step away from all the drama and trauma that we have been through and to have faith that we can lean into this other soul and trust what they are saying.
I mean we have heard it all before, right?
And we have believed it only to get hurt.
Badly, hurt.
However, without vulnerability there is no intimacy.
Let’s define vulnerability:
A state of being exposed physically or emotionally.
It means that we are willing to stand before our partner naked in every way.
Revealing in trust our fears, worries, concerns and that we are triggered and sometimes unable to move.
Vulnerability is about letting another see your whole heart, soul and demons.
Yes, those shadow aspects of yourself that even you run from and try to ignore.
For us women, that means the crazy girl stuff.
It means our seemingly irrational emotions.
Our fear of abandonment as well as our anxiety that comes up because of it.
Our disgust around our worth, ability to be enough and if we are pretty and attractive or not.
It pulls up our fears around our sexuality and desires.
Our ability to be comfortable with communicating our needs and desires,
As well stating a clear no with confidence and no guilt.
It means getting real with our natural need and desire to be loved, cared for, protected and provided for in different ways.
We women of today are caught in a chaotic state of fear and a feeling of not being enough.
We reside in this land where our nature is to want support, but we are consistently told that it is weak and demeaning to want for this.
Never in all our history have we been in a relationship quandary like we are today, ‘where everyone is fighting for their rights, their space and sovereignty while disregarding our internal relationship design. The masculine energy that focuses on driving forward, taking action, proving self, not needing and being the protector-provider, leader in all is what both sexes focus on. Devaluing the feminine nature. The emotional balance required to make relationships, family and life successful in all areas.
We are a world focused on success as it speaks to the material state of things.
For men, this vulnerability equates to:
Your desire to walk away from her emotional presentations.
To armor your hearts when you get scared of the storms that your woman shows you.
It is leaning in and sharing that you do have emotions. You do ponder the deeper things and care about intimacy not just sex.
It is getting real with your rage, with your frustration and distrust in how the feminine seems to always abandon your heart.
Allowing your wounded masculine to speak its words of concern about being manipulated or controlled.
It is recognition of your fear of aging, of not being strong enough to protect.
It is acceptance in your concern that you wake each day worried that you won’t succeed.
That you do not know the direction.
It is allowing yourself to be witnessed as a human, a man without all the answers.
And men of today struggle in this world that is upside down, where they question and feel like they are stepping on eggshells, fearful of the reality that they are a man and not knowing what is safe in that or not.
These are all real vulnerabilities.
They are expressed and experienced by the vast majority of people.
Both sexes should respect them.
As all humans should.
No matter our sex, race, religion, financial stature, education, or other….
THESE VULNERABILITIES are what we find on our table.
And they are what makes us beautiful.
I’ll tell you this…
With over 20,000+ coaching hours under my belt,
Vulnerability is the epicenter of an authentic relationship.
It is what connects us.
In tantra we are taught that everything is woven together like a delicate web where if there is any focus to one connective piece it sends vibrations, energies ( thought & feeling) to another. There is no truer space than when we stand naked before our soulmate.
Trusting in them.
Letting ourselves be revealed.
And feeling everything that occurs with the seconds flash of our personal reveal.
How sexy it is to see someone, naked in all ways.
Revealing their soul, heart and demons.
Their transparency and fear.
The hope that you can witness in the teared up eyes.
The depth that draws you in and makes you realize that they are still a mystery to you.
This soul that has entrusted YOU with every morsel of who they are,
Asking for you to slow yourself,
To see them.
To feel them.
To honor their pain and dreams.
This is vulnerability.
And we can only have it when we are willing to care.
Willing to empathize with what is revealed to us instead of judging.
In our capacity to care about our partners feelings as well as our own and to hold space for both.
Here we capture the essence of unconditional love and acceptance.
The things we all desire for,
Hunt for, are willing to change for.
Here we discover a deeper version of ourselves.
And are asked to step up and lean in.
To find the courage to claim this person right where they are.
Naked before us in all their beauty.
Here is where joy resides.
It’s in the receiving of your love.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Want to know more on how to step forward in faith?
How to be aligned to your soul and stand naked before your partner and have clarity and confidence that you will be received fully? This is the soulmate relationship.
 
Message me to discuss the steps needed to get aligned to have that relationship, be vulnerable, certain and more.
 
Inquire about my FREE Clarity Calls Today.

INTIMACY, CRAZY EMOTIONAL WOMEN & THE IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIPS.

🙏Intimacy is a totally different dimension. It is allowing the other to come into you, to see you as you see yourself.🙏

 

This is a powerful quote to ponder from Osho.

 

” I stood in the bathroom, scrubbing the bathroom sink, trying to change my outlook. Attempting to calm my ravenous emotions that seemed to be hungry wolves out to kill and destroy what I valued most. Heart racing, gut churning. All I could envision was the worst case scenario and I knew that once again I would be standing alone in life. Certain that the emotionally turbulent seas that I found myself in, my boat crashing upon the shores of my fear, my trauma, my knowing that I was going to mess up yet again and push away love was without a doubt right before me.

 

I had let him in too close.

That was the issue.

I had fallen hopelessly in love with this man and now I had something to lose. Making me lost is an internal sea of fear and lack of worthiness.

 

The more unworthy I felt, the more lost, the more pathetic and all the more certain that THIS was the moment that he would say goodbye.

 

I was being an emotionally unpredictable woman.

I was crying out from my hormonal pit of despair.

Haunted by all the ghosts in my closet and terrified that I could not express my heart.

That he would not  see me, feel me, know me.

Only wanting for these things.

Wanting for HIM to be like no other man before, and fight for me.

Even though the fight at this moment was with me.”

 

Women are emotional creatures to say the least.

Women’s hormonal balance is oh so delicate.

I used to think that it was a bunch of bull bunk that women used to get away with shiz, and it certainly can be. However, so much causes hormonal turbulence and I can bear witness and experience to you that when we women tank on all the “good vibe” hormones we crash into  our own darkest seas and fear our very existence.

But that is another tale for another day.

 

Letting a man into this emotional space,

This space where we often run and hide from our own inner demons and devils is vulnerable AF!

We women grow up learning that men cannot handle this space and that they DO NOT desire a woman who is emotionally up and down.

 

For the most part on a man’s list of qualities desired in a woman you will find in the top five that men want “drama free” or “low drama,” for a woman to be “emotionally sound” and sure AF not “crazy.” Because every man has been with crazy at some point and this is scary to them with good reason.

 

The one minor, not so minor issue is that ALL women have their crazy moments, their hormone raging moments, their deep dark depressions, fear and emotionally unsound feelings.

For the most part if all is well with the woman, you will find that the typical cause of these events is STRESS. You can say she should learn to manage that. Or get some hormone replacement. Get laid…and so many other things. Positive thinking and planning does not always help the stress situation. Sometimes a woman cannot see past the dark clouds of her own inner storms. Trying to be rational causes even more stress  in these moments. Trying to be positive causes anxiety.

 

The issue of stress on a woman’s body, mind, hormones, emotions and thus relationship with self and then life and partner is unbelievable.

 

And the feeling of loss is detrimental.

Only creating a greater whirlwind.

 

David Deida speaks about how a woman will test her man to make certain that he is stable at his core and can support her.

He also makes mention often of “standing in her fire.”

This is what he is speaking about.

You see we women in these moments are only witnesses, or mere onlookers ourselves when the fire comes down and we start to rage. It is like we see it happening, part of us is screaming, “No… no… just stop! Shut up! What are you doing/saying? We don’t mean that. Or want to hurt you and us like this.” However, that part of us, that internal witness has been muzzled in these times and we find ourselves hijacked by our pain bodies, our trauma, our fear of loss of not being good enough or being too much. And self-destruction wins. The fire burns and if a man is willing, if he truly loves his woman, and IF he is strong in himself then and only then can he stand in her fire, this fire.

 

🔥AND IT IS A FIRE OF INTIMACY.🔥

It is a fire of her allowing him into her inner realms of fear, of pain, and trauma. Where she wants nothing more than him to grab her, hold her close and say, “I got you. We are going to make it through your pain and fear. I am strong. I am here.”

 

This vulnerably deep space of the feminine that no woman today wants to express out of concern for being called another crazy woman. Of being dropped like a hot potato. Of not being strong enough to just not have these feminine storms.

 

I means sh*t its 2021, we should have evolved past this emotional nature and hormonal imbalances. We should have our sh*t in order, be able to take something to calm our nerves and make us more manageable for ourselves, our relationship and for life.

 

Many women do just this.

Mask the emotion.

Pharmaceutical drugs.

Maryjane.

Alcohol.

Sleep agents.

Work. work. work.

Masterbation and porn.

And many other sidetrackers.

Typically combinations of these above.

 

Of which none actually deal with the cause or are helpful or healthy long term. They just end up creating a numbness to life and a total avoidance to self.

 

It is us women putting down the fight and in turn fleeing.

Fleeing from ourselves.

From our truth. From our pain and our fear.

And ultimately from our relationship, our love, our man.

 

Have you ever wondered why so many men often say she used to be so alive, excited, vibrant. She used to desire me. She used to smile and laugh. Life has just taken it out of her I guess…

 

Yes life took it out and she exhausted herself trying to hold herself together.

She made a choice between everything else in her life including her relationship and family and herself.

 

As many smart women do and always have done.

They step away from what brings perceived trouble and they put their focus on what will bring harmony and peace. Even if it costs them their “aliveness.”

 

And somewhere in this loss of vitality and truth, they convince themselves that they are happy and they are just doing what is needed.

 

I am going to say something different however!

 

This is why there is so much divorce.

This is why women cheat.

This is why women over eat or starve themselves.

This is why they seem like they don’t care or throw themselves into something that may appear meaningless.

 

👉👊BECAUSE THEY ARE HIDING FROM THEMSELVES!👈🤯

 

and they do not know how to communicate what they need from their partner, from life, or from SELF.

 

They have literally been trained to believe that it is not safe, good or acceptable to be a woman. Yet to be a woman, a sexy, smart, strong, confident, great mom, with a great job, and a great homemaker to boot, is expected, and DO NOT forget emotionally stable ALL THE TIME.

 

👊👊👊Women no longer know their place in this world or in relationships. 👊👊👊

 

I personally thank the feminist movement for this back in the 60’s and 70’s. One great step forward for women’s rights, with a ripple impact that may cause us to be among some of the most lost, sad, exhausted and FAKE AF! women ever known to the history of humankind.

 

Women are not the only one’s paying the price here either.

 

Our men, our children and ultimately our world pays with us.

 

👩Women are the “home”makers.

👩Women are the nurturers.

👩Women are the foundation, the center point to family.

👩And they are the cheerleaders of men.

👩They are the cheerleaders of youth.

👩They are the teachers of respect, compassion, empathy, and unconditional love.

 

Today however…

They still try to manage all of this.

They attempt to be all this.

But with it they also carry the load of the masculine.

They weaken themselves by not allowing support out of fear that if they need support they will not be desired.

That the fact that they are human,

that they are a woman,

that “yeah, they may not have it all put together,”

makes them disposable.

 

And that is the FEAR.

 

WOMEN FEAR BEING DISPOSABLE.🤯

 

And they accept it.

They even embrace it.

That is why they lean heavy into feminist statements and beliefs.

That is why they condemn men.

And take the lead so much.

Because they figure that they will be replaced anyway, so why should they let a man into their heart and trust him.

Share this inner realm with him, open their soul to him.

???????

 

👉Every woman today has been walked out on in some way. 👈

 

Every woman has been raped physically, emotionally, menatlly.

Every woman knows that she cannot depend on this world, on men, and often not on family and friends.

 

We are a broken sex.

A wounded multi-generation.

We have lost our power by attempting to gain it.

 

So what is the answer?🤨

 

IT’S ALWAYS AN INSIDE JOB.

 

👊It always comes back to learning to love yourself, being willing to explore your shadow lands and move past, let go of the trauma and put your attention on the present.

 

👊It’s always about doing the cognitive behaviour work to make the impacting changes required to be able to connect, relate and develop positive relationships.

 

👊Learning how you store trauma and negative emotion and programs in your cellular tissue and what you can do to fully purge yourself from them.

 

👊Wanting as well as being willing to transform yourself and build trust in yourself so that you can trust your man, your relationship once again.

 

👊Seeing your own hold backs and how you self-sabotage is vital to healing any relationship and building trust, love and a willingness to open your heart and soul as well as establish healthy emotional responses.

 

👊Learning how to ask for what you want and need from a partner.

 

👉👉😔WOMEN SAY THEY WANT A MAN, A LIFE PARTNER, BUT THEY ARE TYPICALLY UNWILLING TO WAIVER ON LETTING GO OF THEIR WOUNDS TO HAVE ONE.👈👈🤯

 

My partner asked me in the moment of my emotional breakdown shared above, “Are you going to let your trauma and wounds be a self fulfilling prophecy?”

 

My hurt little girl responded with a scorned, “Possibly, what choice do I have? It already is happening. You are going to leave me, I know you will.”

 

He just stood there.

Unwavering.

Looking at me.

 

I wanted him to grab me.

I wanted him to pull me in close and squeeze all this fear out of me.

I wanted him to build a fortress around me and protect me from ME.

 

He could not give this to me.

 

He could hold me, listen, say he loves me and that he does not want any of that. But he could not save me from my own inner demons and devils.

 

THAT was my battle.

I had to save us, not just me.

But first I had to speak my fear.

I had to share my worries.

I had to see my crazy, emotional rollercoaster for what it was.

NOT TRUE.

 

I share this today with you because I have heard a lot lately about the crazy emotional state of the feminine.

 

I know that we women are hard to understand.

I know that we trigger our men into fear and distrust based on our emotional responses.

 

And that in itself is not healthy, right or emotionally mature.

So I share to awaken the women out there who want to heal, want to have happy healthy relationships and trust in love again.

 

I share for the men out there that look at women and say, ” I love her, I want to be with her, BUT…”

Who find themselves triggered by her emotions, her fear, her doubt, her self-sabotage.

 

Gentlemen, stand strong in who you are.

Do not be intimidated.

Do not fear asking her to come back to herself, like my man did for me. Know that she may not respond the way you want in the moment, but that it will sink in. She did hear you.

DO NOT RUN from her at this moment. That will only create more abandonment and fear, it will convince her that she is right and that you will not fight for her.

 

🤺A woman wants and needs her man to fight for her. 🤺

 

She needs him to help her slay her inner demons and devils.

And he does this through his heart.

She does not need him to fix it or her.

She just needs him to create a container for her to pour her fears into and to see that he is capable of not drowning from them.

She needs his leadership in these times, which comes from his ability to be logical in the unlogic. To be sound, solid yet compassionate in her fire.

 

🤺She needs him to conquer her.🤺

 

That same fear energy, that crazy, the uproar, it is stuck creative sexual energy.  It has been lodged due to stress, fear of speaking truth, programs, beliefs and all the little things that seem like nothing but are so much that she will never fess up to being caught up in.

 

And she NEEDS YOU to help her move it.

She yells cruelties because she wants you to kiss her.

She throws plates and shoes because she wants to be made love to.

She weeps before you because she wants you to hold her heart and see her.

 

She needs your physical strength and support.

She needs your emotional stability with compassion and patience.

 

She does not need you to war against her.

But to have her back in her darkest valleys of self.

 

That’s all…lol

 

Big order to fill.

I get it.

And many men cannot do this because they themselves have not or are not willing to build their own inner realms of strength in who they are.

 

As a society we have broken down men.

We have made them evil for being men.

We have scared them away from leadership and told them “not to control” and we have taught them that leading a family, woman, life path is not good.

We  have weakened our men into boys and we have drugged our women into hiding their feminine.

 

And so I ask you reader,

Male or female,

Are you willing and wanting to meet yourself?

To strengthen who you are?

To know what you need and desire in a partner, in a relationship and are you willing to stand in the depths of healing?

 

Because you see, intimate relationships, committed partnerships do one thing for sure…

 

IT FORCES US TO MEET OURSELVES AND TO HEAL.

as well as to support our mate.

 

My whole coaching system is dedicated and centered around these core things. Learning how to navigate and communicate what you want in a relationship by learning your soul-values.

 

 

As always, if you want to learn if coaching is something of potential assistance and value to you calling in your soulmate relationship or reigniting your couplehood then reach out to me today for a FREE Clarity Call! Where we will start the process of discovery, activation and healing to unite you to SOUL!

 

 

Loving you from here.

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

 

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

CASUAL SEX CEATES EMOTIONAL INTIMACY BLOCKAGES & TRUAMA RESPONSE

 

👊👊🤯CASUAL SEX CREATES EMOTIONAL INTIMACY BLOCKAGES AND TRAUMA RESPONSE👈👈👊

It’s why so many people can’t find real love today.

It’s why so many are commitment phobes.

It’s why so many women are under the belief that they need a man with a bigger…

It’s why so many men are scared of women going ‘crazy’ or getting ‘needy’ with them.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨We live in a hookup culture and with that culture we have lost our heart and ability to be truly intimate.

The hook up scene is no longer just for college students,

or players.

👉Anyone can be a player in today’s world.👈

Matter a fact, casual sex, dating and relating is ever growing in the over 40 bracket and the reason is that no one wants to take the time to connect any more.

Many people today of all ages, get into relationship saying they are looking for love, for commitment, for a partner, but what they are actually wanting is easy sustainable sex.  A large majority of twenty and even thirty somethings are not planning on having families. They don’t want children. The vast majority of people from their mid thirties and older have already had children or are no longer in baby making years or are retired. These life situations and desires have created a new ground around relationship containers in general and the majority of people are not interested in long-term commitment any longer.

Recent studies have shown that not only pregnancy rates are down, but the number of people getting married has declined tremendously as well.

You can say that this comes with the belief that you don’t have to be married to be committed or show your love for someone.

 

👉And you are correct.👈

 

Marriage does not make you more committed or more in love.

Although, the commitment factor that we are aiming for with marriage DOES often create a feeling of safety, closeness, protection, stability and allows one or both parties to surrender deeper than not having it. It is an external showing of INTENTION and the solid commitment to that intention on all levels of the partnership.

 

50+ years ago, if a couple wanted to have sex they would get married.

Matter a fact, marriage was the predominant vehicle to having sex.

Today however, in order to get laid, you barely if at all need to make a commitment.

Matter a fact, many people don’t even ask many questions.

You might even not exchange names in some cases.

 

👊👊👊Smash it and Go!🤯

 

It’s this view on sex that is causing so much trauma emotionally and even physically to individuals and those who are attempting couplehood.

 

Many people are in casual relationships BELIEVING it is a serious relationship. ( how is that possible you may wonder. Right? Hopefully this musing helps answer that. Keep reading.)

 

We live in an era of time where individuals have every right to do whatever they want in relationship and with sex.

 

👉We have a label for EVERYTHING.

👉We have new pronouns.

👉We can be whatever race, gender or sexual preference that we want in the moment.

👉We can design our relationship/commitment style however we want.

 

There are no limits.

No boundaries to who we are.

Science has been put on the back burner today when we talk sex, sexual preference, gender, and many other things.

 

We are a woke society that is all inclusive.

And we can SMASH it and GO!!! with no issue.

 

Now, I am not here to make any judgements on anyones preferences or lablels, or when you choose to have sex with a new partner. If you want to have sex on a first date, go to an adult book store to get laid by a total stranger or act out some fantasy or you want to wait till your wedding night, its a personal choice.

 

If you are one who waits till marriage, hopefully you are doing a lot of vetting and getting to know yourself, practicing radical transparency and communication, so that you don’t get to this moment only to find out that you are not aligned here.

 

If you are smashing it and going and thinking you will find love and commitment, but keep finding heart break and more reasons as to why you should keep just smashing and going, remaining in control of your sex and getting the quick hit of sexual gratification but always feeling empty afterward because what you truly want is depth, connection and trust/commitment, then keep reading…

 

🙏 I BELIEVE OUR BODIES ARE SACRED.🙏

 

👉We claim to believe that we know that we deserve better.

👉To be treated better.

👉Loved better.

👉To be respected.

👉To have commitment, honesty, integrity.

👉To not just be “used.”

 

Yet we ourselves do not offer this to our own bodies.

We practice short circuit relating and sexing.

We grab the fast food options of quick release instead of honoring our hearts, bodies and time.

 

You see traditional “casual” sex.

AKA – Hook up/ smash it and go sexing.

Leads us down a path of many multiple partners.

Repeating this process, again and again creates shame for many even when they say it does not. (male and female alike)

Outside of the fear of judgement and the feeling of shame or not being good enough to find someone it can also create trauma physically and emotionally.

 

🤯PHYSICAL LEVEL TRAUMA- Massive multiple partners ‘can’ cause confusion for some people to figure out who they themselves are and what they like because each partner is different and women especially tend to adapt themselves to what the partner likes/needs instead of holding to their own needs/likes and communicating that.

 

You can also become desensitized sexually with mass numbers of partners. Making your body non-sacred and instead just being used as a tool.

 

Just as vibrators desensitize our nervous system to being able to feel fully, we densatize our bodies. Our vagus nerve and limbic system go into trauma response more easily or become mute, preventing us from our full life experiences in ALL categories.

 

🤯EMOTIONAL LEVEL TRAUMA- We bond physically with our partner(s). More for women than men, but all humans DO/CAN bond through sex. https://kendalwilliams.com/we-women-bond-with-men-physically/

 

Men can “pump, pump, eww, goo” or “pump and dump” you may say and not get overly attached but women certainly can get attached at a very deep level after sex, ESPECIALLY good sex. If a woman actually has an orgasm, and if she has more than just a clitorial one, she will be more likely to become attached to her partner, because of the bonding response that we are designed with. (read musing link above)

 

This often leads to heart break stories when she believes that “giving her sex will gain commitment.” Or that she is owed something.

 

If the man is getting attached and then experiences a woman who is emotionally gaurded so remaining in charge of the sex and going for the “smashing and go!” senario, he will feel the same emotional let down and loss as a woman would.

 

👉All instances lead to EMOTIONAL SHUT DOWN BASED ON TRAUMA created by casual sexing/relating without conscious intention.

 

Which creates physical shut down and an inability to surrender to physical pleasure and connection at a deeper level.

 

👉It’s a NUMBING process. 🤯

 

Which is why it’s vitally important to have radically real conversations before you sleep with someone.

 

It’s why I am constantly preaching to know your values.

Know what you are wanting and looking for in a relationship.

Be ready and willing to share upfront THIS key component to preventing yourself more misery and heartbreak.

 

And that is:

👊👊👊What’s your standards in a relationship? How do you operate in a relationship? What are your expectations/requirements/needs in a relationship? What are you REALLY looking for RIGHT NOW. Then INQUIRE back what the other person’s responses are about these same shares.

 

Chemistry (that energetic draw) is great!

But chemistry alone, much like love, will not make a long standing relationship successful.

It will not overcome everything else that comes up in relationships.

 

You must explore deeper.

You must witness our potential mate in many situations.

It takes an average of 100+ hours together consistently to see multiple aspects of another person and for some level of guards to come down.

 

So why are we having sex within the first date or two?

Most new daters have sex somewhere between the third and tenth date. Only having spent an average of 5 to 30 hours together over weeks of time “dating.”

 

👊🔥👊A good rule of thumb outside of deeper inquiry before sex is to NEVER engage in sex with a partner if you:

 

🔥Don’t feel comfortable with the person. If you need a substance to loosen up, YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE!

🔥Aren’t aware to your attachment styles and possible attachment caused by sex and have a deeper understanding to what you are wanting from this expereince/moment.

🔥Don’t know what the other person’s real intentions are. You have not yet done the asking!!!!

🔥 Have not discussed what you are wanting in a relationship. If you are wanting monogamy you have also discussed exclusivity. Because they are NOT the same! If you are wanting an open relationship/poly you have discussed what this dynamic is and what you are wanting here.

🔥If you don’t feel safe physically, emotionally and sexually. You need to have discussed safe sex, medical history, pregnancy. You need to have spoken about potential triggers that may come up due to past trauma. As well as, have shared your boundaries and non-negotiables in these three areas for sure.

 

THE IMPORTANCE OF ASKING THESE THINGS AND PUTTING IN THIS TIME AND EFFORT ON OUR SEXUAL CONNECTION IS BECAUSE IF WE CHOOSE TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE AND IT DOES NOT WORK OUT WE CAN OFTEN TIMES CRUCIFY THE OTHER PERSON FOR “USING US.”

 

We blame them for us feeling hurt.

And we carry this trauma forward into all future relating.

 

🙏You owe it to yourself to honor your sex!🙏

 

 

If you are going to do CASUAL SEX…

Make it 🙏INTENTIONAL CASUAL SEX.🙏

 

Hopefully you found some answers here today on how to do just that.

 

And know that each experience is a part of your journey to self-discovery and is an opportunity to love on yourself and offer yourself respect, honor, time and focus.

 

My whole coaching system is dedicated and centered around these core things. Learning how to navigate and communicate what you want in a relationship by learning your soul-values.

 

As always, if you want to learn if coaching is something of potential assistance and value to you calling in your soulmate relationship or reigniting your couplehood then reach out to me today for a FREE Clarity Call! Where we will start the process of discovery, activation and healing to unite you to SOUL!

 

Loving you from here.

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

DON’T LET YOUR INNER CHILD SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IT WILL!

👊👊👉DON’T LET YOUR INNER CHILD SABOTAGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IT WILL! 😳👈👊
I have an issue with the word, “You.”
I also am incredibly sensitive in nature and empathic you might say. I feel when my partner pulls away emotionally from me and it sends me into a tailspin in my thoughts.
I can be very self-critical, I judge myself before someone else can even get the words together and I have already sentenced myself, convinced that I am at fault, not good enough, not thinking right, feeling right and should just shut up about whatever the subject might be that has created this drama that I don’t want to deal with.
In the same, I was raised an only child (although I am not an only child) and with it I have a blended feeling of righteousness, as though the world ‘should’ just get on board with what I want. I am strong in my opinions about things and not afraid to speak them often.
I also have a blend of being the baby in the family and the eldest child in another way, because I found myself parenting my mother frequently… meaning I was the listening ear, the therapist, the peacekeeper, her friend, her sister…
I was rarely her child.
Except she guarded me and helicopter parented me like the baby.
My father wanted a son and he got me. Leaving me feeling like I was never good enough, never strong enough, a let down and there was nothing that I could do to fix it, so I was the best Tom boy that I could be with my barbies in hand, a baseball bat, fishing pole, and my fascination for nature and wild creatures.
All of this and so much more, created an inner child who is strong willed, temperamental, calculating yet hot headed at times, deeply emotional, fearful of not being worthy or good enough and yet that she is too much to handle and her truth is not acceptable for the world and especially the one she chooses to give her heart too.
And this inner child, well she gets things wrong a lot.
She acts from sheer emotion frequently and thank goodness for the parenting I have done for myself and self-healing and growing to see things so that I can nip them in the butt quicker than in years past.
I have learned that criticism is typically not a healthy stance to take.
For self or others.
And it certainly is not a loving act in an intimate relationship.
It actually creates separation and wraps both parties up into the blame game which steals our personal power and triggers wounds from childhood and past relationships.
Let me explain this just a tad bit more.
Typically when we are being critical with our partner what we are actually attempting to do is to inform them that we have a complaint about their action or behaviour.
An example might be that my partner and I have an agreement in our relationship to check in with each other. He texts me faithfully every morning when he arrives at work saying, “At office.”
I message back that I love him, letting him know that I received the message.
Now let’s say that he skips a day because he got caught up right away in a conversation at work and had to deal with something. One thing led to another as they do and he meant to message but never made it to it.
A few hours go by and my mind has now wandered into places of concern for him, or what happened because this is our pattern, our thing and he did not follow through.
Let’s say that I call him and say,
“What happened? I guess you think it’s okay to just not do what we agreed to and you obviously don’t care about my feelings or concern. I don’t believe you forgot because this is what we have been doing since we got together. It was just selfish of you to not slow down and think about texting me. How long does it take to just say at the office?”
This does not feel good, does it?
It blames him for his actions, my feelings and tells him that he is bad, selfish, I don’t trust him, I can’t trust him, I don’t believe him and that he is bad. It plays on any triggers from his youth about not getting it right and most likely may cause fear of abandonment. It also gives no space for human error and situations that arise for any of us. In truth if I were to say this to him, I would be the one who was being self-centered and not wanting to take any responsibility for my thoughts, feelings or how I am approaching him or his feelings. I am going into victim mode in this stance.
A healthy way to deal with the same situation might be,
“Hey love, just calling to make sure everything is okay. I got a bit scared since you have not texted like normal to let me know you were at the office, I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Can you feel the difference?
Can you see the supportiveness, love, compassion and connection building in the second one versus the blame and shame in the first?
Which will lead to a healthy outcome?
Which creates a space for listening and for connection?
Exactly the second one.
Our words mean so much, and communication is vital to a happy, healthy relationship. Often people don’t express issues they are having, they instead express criticism. Expressing your frustration and upset, calmly and with a willingness to receive the others humanness shows unconditional love and support, instead of blame which creates separation, walls, fear and judgement.
The next thing our inner child might try and sabotage our relationship with is CONTEMPT. 😳
Contempt is a nasty little booger.
It goes far past criticism.
Criticism attacks your partner’s character, however contempt assumes a position of moral superiority.
Wowza!
This really shows its nasty head in situations where we get into comparison with our partner.
We tend to be acting strictly from our wound, our pain body in these moments. And we might say things such as,
“Yeah, yeah… you never feel good. You are always tired. Don’t you see what I have been doing for you, this house and family? Stop being so pathetic and just fix yourself already. If I had a dollar for every time you …”
Here is where we step firmly into righteousness land.
Making ourselves better than our partners and pointing them into the land of not good enough no matter what.
Typically our righteousness blinds us from being able to see our partners for who they are and what they are actually doing because we are caught up in our checklist and rules book of how it is supposed to look and the time line that we have impressed upon them ‘getting it right and proving themselves to us.’
Contemp arises because of the fear that we hold inside around abandonment and not being worthy enough to hold onto love.
It stems from a wounded inner child that felt unseen, unloved, not recognized and most likely was reminded of their shortcoming frequently. Anything that triggers it in our adult relating will put us here in the land of comparison and contempt that he/she has it better than us and does not appreciate it or what we have done.
This is a killer to creating lasting love and trust in a relationship and will always lead to our partners feeling like they are damned no matter what they do.
As a child, raised in the manner that I was.
As a virgo, who is super self-critical.
As a woman, who was a little girl who just desired her daddy’s acceptance and love, approval.
And not wanting to get things wrong in general but still being damn good at being human, one of the hardest grown up things that I have had to learn and get right with is, making mistakes and taking responsibility for them.
I believe that this is potentially THE BIGGEST issue in a relationship.
All relationships.
Love, parenting, friendship, work, don’t matter.
I know I am far from alone in learning how to be emotionally mature and own my own bull.
But there’s more to self-responsibility then just saying,
“I own my part.”
We have to follow that up with our actions.
And we have to make changes to not repeat the mistakes.
That says more than anything : I take responsibility for my words/actions here.
However, what happens more than this is DEFENSIVENESS.
And we make excuses for why it happened, almost begging for forgiveness and understanding.
Again we put ourselves into the victim mode instead of self-empowered mode. Plus, we say to our partner with our excuse that we don’t take their concern, feelings, thoughts, needs seriously.
We are not willing to take responsibility but instead point blame to an outside source.
Not saying that one cannot share “why” things happened the way they did, that is not a bad thing and helps our partner understand the full picture. But if we come out the gates without recognizing that our partner has a concern and instead just run over them with excuses and defense moves, or shifting the subject, pointing fingers back at them and such, we are shutting down communication and love.
Defensiveness is normal.
No one likes to be blamed or feel blamed.
But if we are to have a happy and healthy relationship then we have to shift past our normal defaults and practice a deeper, more loving communication style where both sides aim to find resolution in happiness instead of who is right or wrong.
The final wounded inner child tactic of sabotage on your relationship I want to share today is known as stone walling.
This is where the listener withdraws from the conversation. They shut down and simply stop responding to their partner rather than deal with the issue. They may all of a sudden become very busy with something and use maneuvers such as looking away, moving to a different room, saying they have to get to work, or even doing something as simple as doing the dishes or tapping their foot.
Stone walling is a childish behaviour that many people make use of when they feel extreme discomfort in discussing an issue in the relationship that may be too emotional for them at the time.
I had an intimate relationship for years just like this. My partner then, consistently would stone wall any issue. He would just act as though I did not exist anymore. In order for me to be seen by him, I would have to literally grovel and ask for forgiveness for what he perceived I did wrong and he would sit with a stone face and finally say, “Don’t worry about it.”
But that was just a lead into more stone walling.
Where he would tell me not to worry, to forget it.
What he wanted was for me to FIX MY EVIL WAYS.
Although, as it is in many instances in relationship, there was nothing to fix, or the things he was hurt about he had no idea what I could do to make better or right, just leaving me with the statement,
” You know what you did, you know what I want.”
The issue was that all I knew is that I did not like the feeling of being cast out.
I was asking for direction and wanted to do my part, but did not know what he needed from me to make it right.
And sometimes he was mad at me about what others had done, or his perception of events and was upset that he had been triggered but did not know himself what to do.
His path as a child was to coil up and hide.
To become aloof.
Separate as best he could from his pain.
And he brought this pattern to our relationship which in turn triggered my fear of abandonment.
My daddy issues about not being good enough or getting it right and a desire to please him at almost all cost.
So much so, like I did when my dad got upset with me and pulled away, I found myself in this unhealthy relationship acting the same and shrinking into my wounded child to meet his wounded child and we danced together in seperation.
Until one day, like any of these behaviours will lead to if used repeatedly and unconsciously from that sabotaging inner child state, we seperated.
 
A healthy format might have been to say,
“I am really emotional and upset about this right now. I don’t feel safe discussing it and need time to think and calm down. Can we talk later?”
 
Feel the difference from the stone walling?
I do.
And that is why I share this article today with you.
I see these behaviours being used frequently.
We are all guilty of them at different times, and if you think you are not,
THINK AGAIN.
Because you are human and wounded.
These are typical patterns of relating.
However, as we emotionally mature it is our responsibility to own our emotions and feelings, thus our actions and recognize our thoughts that lead to them.
Acting from an emotional mature space means that we as adults in a loving relationship will want to deal with any problem that arises and work through it right away. Where that inner child will choose one or more of these patterns and make excuses, point fingers and avoid.
The inner child will find themselves revisiting the wounds and fear,
sabotaging and recreating the history they did not enjoy living through in their once loving relationship of today.
Just something to ponder on this Friday.
As Always,
Loving you from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

WE WOMEN BOND WITH MEN PHYSICALLY.

💥💥🌹WE WOMEN BOND WITH MEN PHYSICALLY💥💥💥

 

Meaning we bond with men through physical connection.

Sex! and Touch.

 

You have sex with a guy and have an orgasm and you my beautiful are bonding to him.

 

The hormone oxytocin releases which is 👉THE BONDING CHEMICAL!👈

 

Rose tinted glasses are put on and you start to see him as something yummy, and relationship potential.

 

But the issue is that…

 

👉MEN DON’T BOND THROUGH SEX!😳😳😳

 

They want sex, they love sex, but they don’t fall in love and bond through sex.

 

They don’t feel compelled to get all up in their “feelings” because they had some damn good sex with you.

 

And it really just breaks down to basic primal natures here.

Men are created to sow their seed, women to nurture the seed.

 

(*I want to say that I am speaking generalized, of course exceptions apply to this basic human rule and the points I aim to make today are not just toward just women but also men, as they are all about development of the self to create a sustaining happy and healthy relationship with a partner.)

 

Now back to the meat and potatoes of sex, bonding and what ATTRACTS A HIGH VALUE MAN.

 

Let’s first define a high value man.

 

High value (man or women) AKA what society wants us to believe is woke, conscious, divine, spiritual, etc… whatever hootie- tootie popular labels you want to give it which are NOT (sorry, not sorry, just saying and you will see why.) EQUALS or is defined as…

 

👊Emotionally and physically Grown Up!👊

 

Of which the majority of both sexes are not.

 

To be emotionally and physically grown up you are emotionally mature, not meaning caught in your emotions, or overly emotional expressive or led by them, but that you can process them, understand them, look for understanding, compassion, love, empathy and can stand behind your words and values.

 

Being physically grown up means that you are RESPONSIBLE.

You can pay your bills, you take care of your stuff in all areas of life, you don’t have a bunch of chaos and baggage in your life, you are not in victim mode, you are self aware. PLUS…

You are sexually responsible for self and respect boundaries and needs. Such as birth control, safe sex methods, emotional/mental sexual boundaries and do not impose fantasies or past items onto your partner.

 

YOU GET THAT SEX IS NOT JUST PHYSICAL BUT ALSO MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL.

 

And you are human enough to care about the person that you are sleeping with.

 

💥MEN DON’T TYPICALLY BOND THROUGH SEX.💥

 

Meaning they don’t get as attached as women do in sex.

 

Men attach/bond through experiences,

through social activities with their woman,

hobbies, mutual interests, adventures.

 

👉By doing things together.👈

 

Because men are ACTION oriented.

They want to see a woman in action,

see how she deals with things.

What her responses are.

Where she loses her cool.

Her sense of humor, adventure, common grounds with them.

 

Can he drop into his masculine fully with her and trust her?

A man that is in victor consciousness NOT victim consciousness wants a woman he can trust.

 

IF HE IS LOOKING FOR COMMITMENT AND LOVE.

Partnership.

Relationship.

He wants foundation and direction.

 

 

👉What we have in today’s world is a bunch of talk and little to no action in our dating and relating.

 

Outside of some casual hook ups, which both parties enter fully armoured up emotionally and thus physically too. Providing limited pleasure or trust in any area.

 

And we attempt to build lasting relationships on THIS.

 

All that phone chatting,

that texting,

That face timing we women believe is connection and relationship building….

 

WELL IT’S NOT to a man.

 

We think we can build a deep, passionate, connective, emotional connection with  man and he will want to do life with us and take us seriously even if he is a thousand miles away and we only see him once a month.

 

Or he lives not that far away but we only see him one date night a week.

 

These sort of relating ideas keep separation and do not instill a desire from the man long term.

 

That is why so many women wonder,

 

“What happened?”

 

When the man they have been dating for so long all of a sudden ghosts them, disappears, or says that he wants to talk.

 

We women think,

“He must be a commitment phobe or emotionally unavailable.”

 

We hear all day long about those things.

👉👉👊The “wounded masculine.”😳😂🧐

 

 

Well, here is the thing…

 

It’s not about the wounded masculine, although that is a thing…

Most men however are actually just following their design code here and losing interest in you because they are NOT emotionally bonded with you the way that you are with them.

 

💥💥IT IS THAT SIMPLE.💥💥

 

Much like men.

Men are simple creatures.

Yes they are complex.

Yes they  have deep feelings.

Yes they are so many brilliant things.

 

But men, men are simple.

And when it comes to a man bonding to a woman,

opening his heart to her.

That means that he feels like he can TRUST her.

 

And an emotionally mature man, wants these things from a woman in order to that:

 

👊💥👉TRANSPARENCY – Its a popular word for today. Everyone talks about it but hardly anyone understands it, especially in relationship terms with an intimate partner. And if they do understand it at all, even one tenth then they may feel a bit of upset stomach… because transparency in relationship means this: If it is material to the relationship, meaning it may effect you or I, then it needs to be spoken, shared, etc.😳 And often we feel this is an embreaching on our personal boundaries and rights in relationship and that another person has no right to ask things of us or to know unless we are very committed. However, an emotionally mature person will want this from someone earlier on before they buy all the way into the relationship and commit. They will not have trust in you without it. ( men and women alike)

 

👊💥👉EMPATHY- Another hot word of our day and age. But empathy is more than just feeling someone else’s feelings, it’s also caring about their feelings. Women typically have bank accounts full of empathy when they are getting into a man,  so much so that many women become door mats to men and all they care about is how he feels.  THIS IS NOT ATTRACTIVE nor does it instill trust in your guy. He has had plenty of dealings most likely with women like you on this and he knows that it leads to blow up where the truth will come out. He does not want this! If he is truly a grown up man, he will want your truth in the moment and he will want to deal with it right there. Here comes your transparency… Other women get caught up in the contrast between their personal feelings and their guy’s feelings and they may become very entitled with their feelings, not caring about the man’s. This is because they may be bitter and resentful because of past situations and the fear and pain they still carry and have not worked through yet. This too, is NOT ATTRACTIVE or safe for the man. What a grown up man, a high value man is wanting and attracted to, what he can lean in and trust and commit to is him and his woman coming together and genuinely caring about each other’s feelings. That they both want to know where and how the other is.

 

👊💥👉YOU TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY – A high value man does not want a woman who is jaded, bitter, resentful and blaming men for where she is at in life. Just like you would not want that from him, he feels the same. And if someone is always complaining and not able to take responsibility for their part in past relationship failure and challenges, even if their partner ghosted, cheated, or abused them then they are still stuck in their wound and playing the victim. Taking responsibility for your actions, your choices and what is happening in your life is sexy and attractive.

 

👊💥👉YOU ARE A HEALTHY FIGHTER-  A grown A*s man understands that conflict will happen in intimate relationships. He knows that couples fight, but he wants to know that he can trust you even here to come from love and rock solidness with a desire to do what is right and best for the partnership not just YOU. He does not aim to be right and he will not be attracted to a woman whose mission is to prove that she is right and he is wrong.

 

👉Healthy fighting, especially in intimate relationships is about looking for happiness over rightness. 👈

 

This means that when friction comes up, you are willing to listen to your partner, be present, communicate back to them what you heard, receive any adjustments they may have, and ACCEPT that their viewpoint is true for them.

 

Then to offer your truth, being your viewpoint to them and explain anything in ease and understanding that they may have not fully grasped.

 

Then to come to a realistic agreement about the disagreement.

 

This is healthy conflict communication.

It is not about being right but standing in empathy and compassion with a desire to find happiness for both instead of rightness for one.

 

 

💥💥💥Last but not least…💥💥💥

 

 

👊💥👉YOU HAVE STANDARDS-  This means that your actions match your values. Yes YOUR ACTIONS!

Remember that men are action oriented and they need to see that they can trust you in different situations in life, physically, mentally, emotionally to have the standards of backing your values.

Your words ‘should’ just be a bi-product of your values.

Your actions need to line up to what you say you value.

If you say you value honesty, but you cannot be honest about where you want to go, what you need from him and then swallow your words around that and expect him to read your mind and get it right, only to bite his head off months later about it, then guess what… your actions DO NOT MATCH YOUR SAID VALUE.

 

It’s that simple.

If you wonder if you guy is a grown up, if he is a high value man, then this one thing is a vital key to finding out.

A “wounded masculine” or emotionally immature man will not want you to have standards. And he certainly will not like you supporting your standards/values with your actions and words.

 

 

👊👊👊BOTTOM LINE👊👊👊

 

MEN CAN GIVE THEIR BODIES AWAY FAR EASIER THAN WOMEN, BUT IT TAKES A LOT MORE SECURITY AND TRUST FOR THEM TO GIVE THEIR EMOTIONAL SIDE AND HEART.🥰

 

The whole package an emotionally and physically mature man is looking for starts with these elements in a woman, NOT being a freak in bed… not being his therapist on the phone for hours on end…not being his maid and cook… and not being his coach on the field of life.

 

As great as all of those things are and can be,

They have a time and place.

True partnership and commitment is based in trust.

 

👉👊😳All of these points I share here are a two way street ladies and gents. Gentlemen, a high value woman wants all the same from YOU!!!!

 

 

Ready to stop settling for less in love and commitment?

Want to call in that high value relationship that is actually a life long partnership?

Wanting your soulmate?

 

That’s what I specialize in, helping dynamic souls like you find love and happiness in a world that seems hopeless most days.

 

As Always,

Loving You From Here.

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

WHY WOMEN KEEP MEN IN ORBIT.

 

WHY WOMEN KEEP MEN IN ORBIT.

 

We women are like Saturn. 

We have many moons in our orbit and these moons (although not 82 like Saturn most likely) are men. They are the men of our past. They are our male friends. They are our work husbands. 

They are the men that we count as family even though they are not family. They are the men, the men that make us feel some way, give us something that our partner cannot. 

 

Whether we admit it or not, almost every woman has a man or two if not ten in orbit. 

And we count these orbiting men as innocent. 

We do not see them as a threat because we can manage the relationship. 

We believe that they can hold the boundary that we have placed and that they are good with exactly where we have put them. 

Or, we simply are blind to the reality that the majority of the time, men only will orbit because they are hoping that our gravitational pull changes and draws them in closer to us for whatever reason. 

 

A single woman keeps multiple men in her orbit for any reason from friendship, to safety, to having someone to help out financially or with a tire that needs changing. She may keep a guy on the back burner just in case she wants some drama free sex or needs a plus one for a work event. The reasons are endless, however the men that get to be in her orbit are there for a reason.

 

A coupled woman, although less likely to have as many men in orbit, still often have a few under the guise of friendship. Often a coupled woman will have her male friend at work and jokingly refer to him as her work husband, she can rely on him for many things and of course it is all needed to keep her sanity and job security. They are a team. It is innocent. She may also have friends or “extended family” that are men that hang out and are typically supportive in the mental and emotional fields for her, perhaps old friends from college or roommates. There have always been boundaries or if there were ever more intimate matters at hand, it was a thing of the past and has no impact on her couplehood.  

 

So we women, with all of our reasons blindly and sometimes not so blindly keep men in our orbit for reasons that we can only understand and justify. Believing that our boundaries that we have said will maintain the container that we desire or at least want to paint the image of that we desire.

 

Reality is that ALL of these guys somehow feed us. 

 

They feed us what we are lacking in our lives, single or coupled.

They provide us with outlets, support, engagement, turn on that we are not getting from the man that we are partnered with or our life. 

 

And so, the true question for many women is how many men does it take to make up the perfect man?

 

Because we know that we cannot have it all in one package. 

We do not trust that it is possible. 

And our relationships of past and perhaps even current reveal to us the very truth of this. 

 

Believing that we can maintain the situation, we disregard what we are actually doing to these men that orbit us. 

 

We are giving them hope.

Hope that a door will crack open. 

Hope that they will have an opportunity to be the knight in shining armour in some capacity to come in and save us, support us, help us, fix it for us or just hold space. 

That our partner cannot fulfill.

 

And so we see no harm as women to sit down to coffee or lunch with our male friend that we dated back in college who is still single or has a relationship that he complains about the disconnect in. 

 

We believe that if we confirm our love for our partner, or that we are in a serious relationship that our male friend will respect it and not have hope. He more than likely will respect it, but in the back of his mind he will be saying, 

 

“Yeah, yeah… you might be happy and committed but here you are with me and where is your man now? If you are that fulfilled, that satisfied then why are you confiding in me? Why are you flirting with me? Why? Why? Why?”

 

You see no matter how badly we humans desire to be this evolved people, that can move past the physical desires, the primal natures… the truth is that we are all still primal at our core and we operate at a deep psychological and emotional level from this primal state. 

 

We desire sex. 

We desire power.

We desire connection.

We desire control. 

And we are territorial. 

 

The thing with that territorial nature is that the way to gain territory is to take over the lands of another. This is how you conquer. 

 

The best takeovers are always done through patience, right in front of the face of your enemy and almost with their approval and support. 

 

When a woman starts to rely on her male friends for more and more support, when she sees how he is always there for her, how he listens and supports, her heart opens to him and she gains trust in him. She has respect for him because he has been holding the boundaries and she believes that she can trust him. 

 

As beautiful as that sounds it is the perfect breeding ground for a slow and precise takeover. 

Ripe for the taking at the first opportunity of a door opening. 

And the woman willingly will open that gateway. 

 

The gravitational pull will quickly shift in the friend’s favor.

 

So what is a woman to do?

What is a man in a relationship with a woman with these moons in orbit supposed to do?

 

The first thing is to be aware and to not allow blindness out of fear of losing the friendships. 

Be aware and communicate authentic truth with your partner. 

 

Discuss the concerns. 

 

Ladies, get real with yourselves about what is lacking in your relationship or life that you feel is being fulfilled from the relationships with the masculine that your man cannot give you. This Is a scary thing to consider, and no one person can ever be expected to fulfill every need of another, however if we do not get clarity around what is missing or has never been then we put ourselves and our relationships at risk of massive pain and suffering, even potential failure.

 

Many women proclaim that  they don’t trust other women. 

That they have always gotten along better with men than women. 

That they are a tomboy, raised with brothers, etc. etc. and that guys understand them better. 

Personally, I understand this very well and fall under these categories.

That said, awareness is key. 

Truth is key. 

Communication is everything. 

And checking in with what relationship holds priority at any given time is vital to relationship success.

 

Going within and exploring what you are wanting and desiring, what is best for you and your commitments and being honest with yourself that men no matter how trusted a friend they are have a reason as to why they choose to remain in our orbit. 

 

And it is more than likely in hope of being pulled into our atmosphere. 

 

*Please note that this musing is written based on a majority perspective and of course understands that not all male/female relationships are rooted in sexual attraction or hopes.

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.

 

EFFING SICK & TIRED OF THE WOKE, CONSCIOUS, DIVINE REAL MAN EPIDEMIC I HEAR FROM BOTH SEXES…

 

EFFING SICK & TIRED OF THE WOKE, CONSCIOUS, DIVINE REAL MAN EPIDEMIC I HEAR FROM BOTH SEXES….

 

Such utter bullshiz!

It’s a hot topic, right. 

Every woman wants just this. A man that is “in touch” with his emotions, spiritually aware, above all the other jokers out  there who are not “real” men. A man who will be strong, but not too strong because he better not effing step on her toes, be a good daddy figure, but let her rule the roost, but still know how to support and romance. 

Today we have a society of women and men who believe that this ideal that we have concocked is “good and desired” and then we wonder why we do not respect, truly love and trust our partners. We wonder why we are not happy. 

 

Pretty stinking easy to figure out. 

We have created an imbalance to the polarities of men and women. 

Masculine and feminine. 

And we have done just this through the use of becoming “spiritual.”

Gods and goddesses. 

Kings and queens.

Divine masculine and feminine. 

Conscious lovers. 

Woke society. 

 

Can’t you see it?

We are condemning our relationships through judgement, comparison and spiritual labeling as to  what is real or not. What is good or not. A man who is just being a (do I dare say it???) a normal dude, average guy, just human is no longer acceptable. Well, maybe he has never been acceptable in truth, I mean men have always had to show what they could offer, their love and ability to get into relationship and partnership with a woman has mostly been based on what value he provides, not what his heart is about, or her heart. Not about love but the value. 

Just like we women have long been looked at for our sex and ability to bare children. 

In today’s world however, women don’t need men as much for what they can bring to the financial support or safety table of relationship so they are now looking at men to be emotional support, girlfriends with extra tools to use when needed, fathers who are emotionally sensitive and don’t mind changing a diaper or staying home with the kids. 

 

In truth, none of this is bad.

Our world of today certainly requires a couple to support each other on all fronts, especially with child rearing and house chores. 

The best relationships and partnerships are always found with the mate that you call your best friend. So it is natural to have and want emotional support from your partner and even expect it more today than in times past. It is required in fact. 

 

With that said, we women tend to really mess up our men in relationships and stir insecurities knowingly and unknowingly. A lot of it has to do with the reality that we attempt to relate to our man as though he is a woman, not understanding that we are triggering him and placing judgement, comparison, and using toxic communication to tell him he is not enough or good enough. 

 

We can say all day long that he should not be so sensitive…

Lol, we want a sensitive dude that is tuned into his emotions but we don’t want him to be sensitive about our unkind communication that we are not aware of.

 

I hear so many women get frustrated with their man’s ego sensitivity. 

They quickly gaslight the situation with a pointing of the fingers to, “well he should just not feel that way, that’s immature of him.”

 

And then the true gut wrenching statements come out. 

 

“If he were a real man then he would not act/feel/say/do this or that.”

 

Or…

 

“A conscious man/woke man/divine masculine, would be mature enough to see this, tap into his enlightened whatever and shut up and feel what I am saying or how I am feeling.”

 

So this “quality” or “bracket” of man is feeling, but not too feeling, knows always what to do and say? Always puts his stuff to the side for his partner? 

 

It’s all a bunch of bunk.

And we women do not  respect that sort of guy.

 

We respect a man who knows who he is, has purpose in his life and direction, can see his mistakes, is not afraid to fail and get back up, can tap into his heart but not get washed over by emotions. We want to be protected, supported, led, seen and heard and opened up by our man. However none of this is possible if we women slam our men to the ground with such comparisons as I see happening and consistently telling them they are not good enough.

 

Recently, I have been oh so aware of my own old programs relating to men. 

I find myself triggered sometimes with my partner and sometimes unaware of falling into old wounds and loops, but then when I become conscious of what has happened I am often surprised to discover that he was triggered into a wound as well, and not by the event that was happening but by my poor choice of words.

 

I am frequently reminded that healthy communication is all in the delivery.

 

Just the other day I fell into an old wound of feeling like my partner was telling me what I felt and thought and I shot off coldly my boundary around my feelings. I told him with shortness and almost a mama bear tone to not do this. I had zero feeling toward what he was sharing and how he was triggered, thus his concerns coming up in what we were sharing with each other. I got caught in my wound and spoke from it which in turn created an unkind toxic communication back to him. Luckily for us, we are both hyper focused on rising above such things and working toward happiness instead of “being right” in a communication. So it was washed to the side pretty quickly. 

 

If our relationship were different, if we each were not always focused on developing ourselves and being as raw and real with each other as possible, and not wanting to truly hear and feel where each other are at, this would have turned out differently. 

My statement from my wound would have created a ripple effect and he could have taken it more like a command, a stern parenting, shaming even of my disapproval and thus turned that into I was disapproving of him. Even though that was the furthest thing from the truth, which would have created a backslash of emotionally immature communication to happen where we would have felt great separation and fear seep into our relationship.

 

Such statements as,

 

“Don’t interrupt me, I am….”

“Let’s get directions.”

“Oh, gosh are you one of those guys who can’t get directions?”

“Such a guy thing to do…”

“Well my old lover/partner/guy I dated always did….”

“I wish you could listen to me the way (insert male friend/old lover here) does/did.”

“Why don’t you just hire someone to do that?”

“No, I got this. I will just take it into the….”

“You’re doing that wrong..”

“You don’t know my body.”

“You don’t feel me.”

“I don’t feel you.”

“A real man would….”

“A conscious/divine/woke man would….”

 

Don’t get me wrong here. Men have a way of putting their foot in their mouth as well and being insensitive A-holes. And in truth, these statements I share here are brought on because men have not been taught how to pay attention, how to deal with their emotions, and in today’s world men don’t know what it means to be a man any longer. They are damned in all directions and it’s quite defeating for our men to just try and be “good men.”

 

I find that compassion and grace are the healing agents to figuring out how to best communicate. 

 

Putting ourselves quickly into the receiving of the statement that we are tempted to make often allows us to step back and say, “Wow, that might hurt.”

 

If we can see the judgement, criticalness, labeling, shaming or guilting of our statements then we can choose to either reword it to get our actual message across better or choose to not share, because it may just do damage and create insecurity in the person and relationship. 

 

Such as the statement of, “A real man would…”

Or “You are not doing it right.”

We women tend to tell our men they are not touching us right, kissing us right, listening to us right, making love to us right, supporting us right. However, we do it from the critical point instead of the space of communication based in love. Something I have learned is “seed planting.” When my partner does something that I really enjoy/need/want I make sure to tell him that I really liked it and how it made me feel. I compliment the good and ignore the not good. Now, if the not good is painful ( say a sexual exploration) I do not hold back from saying “ouch” or “Less pressure” or “softer.” I do not let him believe that its good when I am truly needing a change up. But my communication is closed ended and clear. I do not say shaming statements or critical judgments and I do not bring those times back up unless he says something to me. We are all human. We error. We get caught up in things and we can never know what someone else is feeling or experiencing, so there is no need to condemn the one we love for being human. This is where the grace part comes in. 

 

When looking at our bedroom life, there is no deeper wound a woman can make than to tell a man that he does not know what he is doing here. The quickest way to humiliate a man is to kick him in the bedroom with his skill, presence or stamina. All of these tell him he is inadequate as a lover, in pleasing you, bringing you pleasure and thus he is not good enough. Granted many men need some help with skill, presence and stamina, but if you focus on the good and don’t fake your orgasm but instead share how much you really enjoyed the connection, the touch, how he took his time here or here, I promise you that he will want to be his best. Men want to be their woman’s hero.

Men feel on top of the world when they see their woman in rapture. 

But fack rapture followed up with irritation and slamming him into the ground when you finally share the truth is detrimental. If you are going to share a negative with your guy, do it outside of the oment of sex or intimacy and DO NOT compare through a story of an old lover. (palm to the head). The same holds true if you are wanting more intimacy emotionally with your guy. Realize that he will only lean in and trust you with his heart and emotions if he knows that you trust him to lead. Meaning that you are not questioning if you need to stop and get directions or should hire out to do what he wants to do for you, the home, family or other.

 

Its all interwoven. 

We can not correct our man over wanting to be a man and fix things even if he fails at fixing it, and then think that he will be able to hold space for us to vent all our garbage to him and just say the right thing or have the best answer for wherever we are at the moment.  

 

We cannot compare him to friends, old lovers or others and not expect him to show some insecurity, jealousy and even distance. After all men are territorial typically, especially if they see long term with you and they  will quickly question if you care more for this other man then them or if you are attracted in any way to the other guy. They will see how you “value” the other man’s whatever and are shrinking them and their value. Creating a barrier to trust and security in your relationship and emotional connection. 

 

What we women need to understand is that often our communication is unkind to men. 

We do not give the respect and understanding because we want our men to be able to be egoless as if the ego is ever going anywhere and/or as though a man with an ego intact is low vibe, not divine or conscious and certainly not part of the woke society. What we do not realize is that we all have ego’s. And those who are proclaiming their “high vibe, enlightened” state of being have some of the biggest and they are still men, wanting what all men want. 

 

Feminine connection, physical connection, safety in a woman. 

Partnership with the right woman.

 

His ego is not going anywhere.

Nor is yours. 

Kind delivery in our communication is vital however to a happy relationship and partnership.

Learning to not compare, criticize, mother, shame or guilt are just loving things to do do for anyone we love, especially our man.

 

Our partner. 

Our soulmate. 

Our best friend.

 

Let him be your hero.

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Ready to say YES! To your soulmate relationship today?

That’s what I have been helping countless individuals do for the last two decades and now it is your turn. Reach out to me today to explore 1:1 coaching

ARE YOU GUILTY OF CHEAP TALK? IT COULD BE WHATS DESTROYING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

TALK IS CHEAP! AND IT’S PERVASIVE AROUND YOU.

 

“I am here for you.”

“Let me know what I can do.”

“I got your back.”

“Yeah, I totally agree.”

“I see what’s been happening, where you are at, what you are saying, etc.”

 

There are so many things that we tell others with little to no meaning behind them.

We speak these statements with good intent often,

but we don’t understand the value of actually following our words up with action. Sometimes the action is just more words of support, or helping one find answers, or just simply holding space for someone who is going through a rocky time in life and needs to have that space. Other times, it means that we need to follow through with supportive action to those words.

 

Recently in my life I have had an onslauth of what you could say shiz going down in my personal life.

 

I find myself standing here not thirty days into a new year amazed at everything that has occured over the last ninety days.

Some mornings I wake and find humor in the events,

realizing that you can’t make this shiz up.

Hollywood would pay a mint for the tales I could tell.

And then other days I realize that it’s just life,

my soul wanting to expand who I am and strengthen my vessel so I can become everything I desire and live that unbound beautiful life I know is mine.

 

And then there are the days that I wake in total frustration.

Anger.

Fear.

Judgement.

Bitterness.

Anxiety.

Exhaustion.

 

And I wonder why me?

Why now?

How much more does God think I can carry?

And WHY do the people in my life not see it? hear it? Why do they just keep wanting more from me in the face of everything else?

 

No matter how I wake,

what I have been blessed to witness is a reality check in my relationships. Revelations on no matter who we are, we are all human at the end of the day and our humanness when overtaken by our ego is extremely superficial and self-centered, even when we attempt to support and give love.

 

We blind ourselves and ignore others’ needs and desires, even though we can see what is happening in their lives and how at the end of a string they may be. How close to crashing they truly are.

 

And we do this NOT because we don’t care or cannot understand,

but because we want what we want for ourselves.

 

So we act as though we did not see.

We claim they did not communicate clearly.

We say they never told us.

We spout back, “Well I tried but you would not connect, answer, etc.”

 

YOU WERE NOT CLEAR ON WHAT YOU NEEDED FROM ME.

 

We push back the blame to the other.

Not wanting to see ourselves and how in these times we disregarded what was right before us with our loved one for the sake of our own self-centered needs and wants.

 

If we were to get real with our words,

and to honor them and have the self-respect and respect of the other parties as well, we would stand behind our word.

 

UNDERSTANDING THAT OUR WORD IS EVERYTHING.

 

This is not just some old school statement that our word makes up our character.

It’s not just a line from Scarface or the Godfather,

John Wayne and Clint Eastwood are not the ones proclaiming the strength of a human is in his words.

No.

But I tell you that our word is all of this.

Our word is OUR CHARACTER CHECK POINT.

Our word is our STRENGTH.

or our weakness.

 

And when we say that, “I got your back.”

 

It should not be a light matter.

These words should come with an understanding that in them we are denying the self for another.

 

That we are willing to sacrifice our short term desires, needs or wants to fully support someone else and to stay aware of what is happening with them and in their lives.

 

Unfortunately, the majority of the time this is not what will occur.

The reverse is actually true.

We will state that we are supportive,

and then we will take the opportunity to bulldoze over our loved one to get our needs met instead, all the while pretending to be blind to it all. Pretending that if they had just spoken up, made it more clear, done their part that the boundaries would not have ever been crossed.

 

OUR WORDS ARE OUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Meaning that with them we take responsibility for who we are and our actions and reactions.

 

Responsibility to being consciously aware of situations, people and what is truly needed despite our self-centered desires to get our own needs and wants met.

 

THIS IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND SUPPORT.

Anything else is empty.

 

Making our words,

our actions,

and us as a human weak and untrustworthy.

 

What do your words say about your character in a relationship?

In life?

 

Want to have deep, committed, trusting and loving relationships in all areas of your life?

 

Then it’s time to stand behind your words,

and realize they are your strength or your weakness.

Your words are your bond.

Without them you have nothing.

 

 

As Always.

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Want to learn the secrets of a dynamic powerhouse relationship?

Overcome the drama circles and superficial ego based relating game that you are so used to? Reach out to me today for 1:1 opportunities in mentorship now. Limited space.

 

WOMEN WHO ARE BAD IN BED SHOW SIMILAR SIGNS.

WOMEN WHO ARE BAD IN BED SHOW SIMILAR SIGNS.

Sex is fucking fun to me.
If with the right person that is.
I can be really fun and adventurous in bed and I can be boring as well.
It really depends on how into the person I am,
if I am caught up in my head,
if I can trust the person I am having sex with and to what level,
if I feel like they can handle all aspects of me.
and of course the chemistry, the connection, that energetic spark.
If it is there then I am more than likely going to be far more “fun” than if I am trying to create a spark that is not really there for whatever reason,
like seeing how great a guy is or how awesome a catch he is but not having that natural primal spark.

When I have all the stars aligned,
and am with someone then it’s certainly adventurous and playful,
There is communication happening from body to voice and desires are shared and asked for.

Which I have found not a ton of men expereince in sex with women.
I have been told repeatedly by just a few hands full of men,
lol… we are not getting into my body count today.
That I make sex extra enjoyable.
That my partner can feel me fully with them.

So I decided to start to inquire with my current and past lovers about this topic to get a greater depth,
wanting to know what it is about my sexing and relating style that keeps guys hooked for decades and knocking at my door to see if I am open to more with them. What has landed me with many men wanting to commit so eagerly?

Here is what I came up with:

WHEN I AM INTO A MAN I TURN UP MY KISSING –
I have been told that I am a bad kisser by a few guys over the years, or meh kisser, nothing special and I have been told that I made a guy cum just from a kiss and left mystery and desire with a kiss. The difference that I have figured out is my openness to the man and my attraction to him, my desire for him. If I am not feeling it then I am a shitty kisser, and if I am feeling it then get ready for mind blowing. I believe that this is true for many people of both sexes however. Then there are the people who are just crappy kissers in general, they have no rhythm, they show no passion, they do not know how to get fully engaged in a kiss. An old lover/friend of mine who is from the UK always has told me that I understand snogging, (kissing with intent). I believe that this is a key secret to mind blowing kissing, can you make your partner feel as though you are ravishing them in bed just by kissing them? Women who suck in bed cannot.

I LET MY LOVER KNOW WHAT I WANT IN BED NON-VERBALLY PRETTY GOOD… AND IF HE DOES NOT GET IT I SPEAK IT!
When I have good or great chemistry with someone then our non-verbal communication is on point. I have learned and have pretty much always been that woman who is not afraid to take a man’s hand or cock and put them right where I want, let alone wrap myself however feels best to me and grind how I desire. Recently an old lover/friend of mine said to me, “You know you are a switch.” For those of you who are not familiar with this term it means that I switch from dominant to submissive in sex. And yes I am just that. I love a good power play in bed. It also requires one to have pretty good non-vevrbal communication skills and a sense of playfulness and confidence.

Women who are bad in bed have trouble communicating verbally and nonverbally. They fumble and feel insecure, often presenting a rag doll or limp noodle version of themselves because they are uncertain as to how or what to do. Women who cannot communicate non-verbally in bed are not good at increasing sexual tension through their eye contact, body language, breathing and actions. I have found that non-verbal communication in bed is a great sign as to how good chemistry and energetic connection is with a partner. One of my longest sexual relationships would always share with me that he loved how our bodies engaged and I always moved with him in perfect rhythm.

I AM EXTREMELY VERBAL ABOUT MY SEXING AND DESIRES, PAST, PRESENT AND WANTING FOR THE FUTURE.

I read awhile back about a study done about women who could not talk about sex opennly and how that related to their sexual confidence. It was stated that open relating about sex showed a persons comfort with their sexuality and desires. Which would also lead to a sign that someone is more likely to be fun and tuned into sex better. I have heard from many men over the course of the years how they wish women would share more about what they want, need and desire sexually and how so many women shut down around actual communication or questioning. Funny how us ladies will talk to our girl friends about what is happening in the bedroom but we won’t talk to the people we are actually having sex with in such candid fashion. Women who talk about sex are more confident in bed. Not to mention sex is just better if you can get a little vocal and not freak the fuck out about someone hearing you or what anyone thinks.

I LOVE BEING NAKED AS WELL AS CLOTHED.
Sexual confidence can be seen outside of the bedroom and it is not just about nudity, however it certainly can show up here most because women in general have a massive amount of body images. Self included. But can you let go of the insecurities that you have and surrender to the moment. Can you learn to truly love yourself no matter your imperfections. A woman who shows signs of insecurity in other areas of her life will more than likely have insecurities in the bedroom. If she is struggling with money, health, body, feeling worthy or lovable, then you will see this come out in her sexing as well. She will struggle to drop down and be able to connect at any real level. Your sexing will feel shallow with her, making for a poor lover.

I LOVE AN ADVENTURE.
Adventurous women are sexually fun women I believe and so I have been told by men. Just the other day a man looked at me and said, ” You are one of those fun women.” This was said after we had shared a deeply profound and passion driven few hours together without any sex. When we are open to experimenting, to play and adventure in our lives we are more likely to explore in the bedroom as well. Having sex in the same manor all the time, getting into the same routine or not being open to oral sex, exploration of any sort shows a person who is boring in bed. Women are more known to shut this arena down then men, making for a dimmer sex life.

SEX IS ABOUT HUMOR AS WELL AS PASSION.

I laugh a lot in sex. I laugh about the very human things that can take place such as queefing, passing gas, burping, sweating and accidents that cause things to break like your bed or a lamp. When I have had a few orgasms I get a real high and laughter rolls from me easily in my sex, I giggle like a school girl as I am cumming sometimes and may throw myself into a sneezing fit, I have been known to cough or sneeze my partner right out of my body as well as squirt so much female ejaculate that the whole bed had to be replaced ( that happened for reals in Mexico one time). Sex is messy. There is no space for OCD, there is no space for fear of being human, and there is no space in good sex for insecurities around sex related humor. I am very serious when I say if your woman is playful then you are more than likely going to have fun in bed, if she is overly caught up in fear of being seen or making a mistake then you will most likely not be happy in bed with her.

A woman who is passionate about life will be more likely to show passion in bed as well.
If your woman is lost in life and uncertain about who she is or her life purpose, then she will show this in bed too and be uncertain and cautious with her passion. She may even not be able to feel passion in sex as it is such a foregin things for her.

WHAT YOU EAT YOUR PARTNER CONSUMES TOO.

Diet and exercise. OMFG! Don’t get me started. This is vitally important and I cannot image sex with a woman who does not take care of her diet and exercise being very pleasent let a lone good. To put it simply, why would you ever expect your man to desire you sexually if your pH is all sorts of out of whack, making your vaginal juices and body odor to breath nasty. What we eat plays such a big role in our sex and as I just recenlt told one man, ” Clean eating is sexy.” Our diets say a lot about our overall health, emotional and mental as well and physical. Eating healthy helps to stabilize hormones and guarantees a healthy gut which is where 80% of our immune system comes from. Eating shit foods causes yeast infections, bacterial infections and more. Not fun for sexing for sure. And exercise provides us with the ability to have better stamina and flexibility, so that we can comfortably maintain a playful moment with our partner.
Women who disregaurd their health for whatever reason are uncaring of their sex as well.
An older lover of mine would often say to me that I had a pampered pussy. When I asked what he meant by this he shared that he loved going down on me because he knew how I pampered her with my diet choices, hygiene and exercise for my whole body as well as my vaginal exercises that I consistently do. He made it clear that he loved what he was enjoying and he shared it was not normal.

I have heard from many men over the years that they are fearful of going down on a woman because of hygiene and bodily smells and tastes. This applies to men as well, no fun for us ladies if you guys are not conscientious. Clean eating is fucking sexy!

Okay, so there is my little share from what I have learned from current and past lovers.

Everything shared here pertains to men as well.
A man who is good in bed will be aware of these things as well.
Where a man who is not good in his sexing and does not have the consciousness to be aware of these things will prove to have all the same challenges that a woman does who sucks in bed.

Making your sex life gourmet has more to do with your confidence, ability to find humor in life and let things go, play and explore, be adventourous and knowi yourself as well as a desire to take care of yourself and communicate then it does with what you choose to wear, what your body figure is actually like, your age or how great you deem your physical skills.

A great lover knows that CONNECTION is primary,
COMMUNICATION is secondary,
and KNOWING YOURSELF AND LOVING YOURSELF is key.

How do you rate your sex?

As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

October Asskickery Month is almost upon us.
Are you wanting to make some changes in your life, love or sex?
Want to take action but do not know where to start?
Need a swift kick to get what you want?
Reach out to me about this global opportunity to have that F-ck Yes Life that you are wanting for now.