I REMEMBER TAKING THIS PICTURE WITH MY DOG RUDDY… I HAD JUST TURNED 16.
The year was 1992.
It was autumn, my favorite season and I was madly in love with a boy. I got my mom to take this picture of me to send a hard copy (yeah no texting or email back then) it was snail mail… to my boyfriend who was in boot camp.
We wrote to each other daily.
Hating to be apart, however, the game plan was that he served four years and that would get him the college he wanted plus provide us housing, loans and opportunities once I was of legal age.
I had freshly graduated high school myself, and was working at my mothers clothing store in a small Northern California town that I call home, Chico. Under her thumb I listened to her daily fearfully warn me of his ill intentions. Telling me about how he was most likely cheating on me, running around with his buddies and doing who knows what. She warned me that he would abandon me like my father had abandoned us. Her anger for the masculine was obvious and yet I listened, wanting to know her thoughts but not feeling in alignment with them at my core.
I believed differently.
I trusted him.
I loved him.
And we had plans together.
My mother, bless her resting soul, I know had the best desires for me, however through the course of time she managed to teach me one very unuseful thing.
TO NOT TRUST MY HEART.
Her rampage about my boyfriend often ended with her anger and bitterness toward my father. I would and still do recall her many tales to me of how she hated being married, how she felt controlled but that was the bed she had to be in. She proclaimed her status as a victim to life and to the relationship and she shared openly her pains about it with myself from the youngest of ages. I was forever her sounding board. Although her desires for my life were most likely set in love, they did bare with them the idea that I was going to be used without choice by the masculine and to NOT trust men at all cost. Try as I might to ignore her feelings and beliefs and hold firm to my own, they did manage to seep into my psyche and have caused me much pain through my adult years.
Because you see, my mothers fears and experiences ended up laying the foundation to me doing what I felt I “had or should” do in life and relationships instead of following my intuition and heart or soul. As a young adult, I had no idea that I was in as much control of the outcomes of my life as I understand now. I believed that I was a victim to what life handed me and that I had to make the most “logical or smart” choices for my survival as I could.
And so, I got married to a man a decade my senior at 18. I had babies. I worked a job. I focused on setting up the house that appeared “normal and expected of me” and I was unhappy to my core.
I did not chase the boy who held my heart at that time.
I let him go, believing that he had abandoned me just like my mother predicted. And because life tends to give us what we expect, he did walk away from me. Or run from the wrath of my mother, but that’s a different tale for another day.
My mom was so happy the day I got married.
She was ecstatic the day I gave birth to my eldest child, a daughter.
I recall her tears on both events and her grabbing me with sheer delight.
I wanted to make my mom proud.
I wanted to be different from other teenagers and young adults.
I knew I was intelligent and a self-learner.
I knew that I was pretty logical and sound in my reason,
that I was wise beyond my years.
After all, adults much older than I told me so often.
And perhaps I was.
But I wanted to do right.
And with the learning that my mother taught me to NOT TRUST MY HEART, but instead listen to only my mind and always make the smart play, I opened the gateway to listening to others, especially my husband.
I knew that my heart was unreliable.
It would do nothing but get me into trouble.
So when he would tell me that I was thinking, doing or acting a certain way because of……
Or that what I really wanted was….
Or that I would just enjoy this or that if I allowed myself…
Because he knew, I tended to believe him even though it felt off inside my body and heart.
Fast forward a few decades, My second long term relationship with a man ended with him telling me that maybe I just did not know how to be happy and did not know what love really was.
This man too also told me how I felt, why I felt this way and what I was thinking.
Both managed to get me to question my own reasoning, my feelings,my emotions, my actions and thoughts and they were strongly supported in their efforts to lead me on the best course of life by my mothers teachings of don’t listen to your heart but instead make the smartest play for your survival.
Neither relationship fulfilled me.
Neither relationship felt right.
Neither relationship was based in love,
they were based in mind.
And both relationships were guilty of gaslighting.
They both acted not in my best interest or even the best for the family, but instead acted according to the best interest in my partners desires, needs and ego. Whether that be sexually, business, moving houses, friendships, child rearing or what I did with my spare time or how I showed up as a partner.
What they wanted mattered more than what was right for me.
And I spent a ton of my adult years believing that this was the only way.
WOW! Was I ever wrong?
One day I discovered something different.
One day a spiritual teacher of mine confronted me on my allowance of such events and why I was choosing to ignore my greatest gift.
My GPS system to my soul, to life and to my power.
This teacher then spent a few years helping me transform my debilitating beliefs and showed me that the things that I feared were nothing to fear if I (get this…) listened to my heart and intuition. Through trial and error in learning myself again and coming home to ME, I rediscovered my path.
My power as a soul living a human experience and a co-creator of my life.
I found true connection with a partner where I feel certain in revealing myself and am not afraid to challenge him when I feel my soul and heart are not being heard.
I have discovered that I can show up just as I am and not need to sacrifice anything of myself to have that love based connection, nor feel safe and be able to trust and surrender in the relationship.
I have discovered that this coming home to my heart and soul,
the listening to my intuitions which at my core I have always known to be true, will ONLY GUIDE ME TO MY HIGHEST AND BEST LIFE in all areas.
And that is powerful AF!
We adults forget ourselves.
We change the way we transmit things in our brains by not using our creative sides, by ignoring what we feel and our curiosity.
We allow ourselves to create a time loop in our life where every day is groundhog day and we are okay with it because it is comfortable and safe, but we are not happy.
Today I challenge you to inquire with the self and to ask “Why am I not happy?” Really allow yourself to dig deep into your heart with this. Move past the ideas and conscripts that you have been taught that THIS IS what happiness is and that it is not okay to not be happy with the lot you have allowed yourself.
Ask yourself, “If I truly allowed myself to be/do/have anything that I wanted, how would I be choosing to show up in life, love, relationship right now?”
You are worthy of a life that makes you happy.
You are worthy of feeling and knowing that you are powerful.
But you have to first challenge the way you have allowed yourself to be gaslighted in life. Don’t accept that your core, your soul, your heart are faulty and that all that matters is the mind, your feelings about things are gifts from something more than what you believe is you.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Summer is upon us.
I have many local DFW workshops coming up to help you get educated, transform the way you move through life, let go of anxiety, fear and find your power once more. Reach out to me for deet’s and links on these, and for anyone looking to go deep in the work of YOU let’s chat about 1:1 mentoring where I can share what my master teachers shared with me so many years bacak that awakened me to my power and truth. Message me now for summer specials.
THE ABSENCE OF WHO I AM, REALLY SUCKS! 🤯🤯🤯
Hating on self?
Or maybe you say that you don’t hate yourself.
You don’t dislike yourself even,
you are just frustrated.
Down on self because you are not feeling great in your skin.
And I get it.
I truly do.
We all go through these times.
And hey here is a little secret for you….🤫
I am currently in one of those moments in life where I am a bit down on myself. I am not in this moment in love with my body.
I am not in love with how I am feeling in my own skin,
and I am having issues looking myself in the mirror.
and even feeling sexy.
I sorta feel a bit grossed out by myself.
The way I got here is not really important.
And that is a tough concept to get through our human minds,
because we want to have our reasons, we want to analyze and figure out the reason behind the problem.
But that will never get the solving that we desire of the problem.
Because we are stating that we have a problem to begin with instead of just letting go of all this self-judgement and turning back to our truth.
Now it is important to be aware of habit changes,
of sabotaging thing that we have introduced into our lives,
into our thoughts and emotions,
that may be contributing to the support of this self-disgust.
The reality is that you can say that you love yourself all damn day long but if you are not loving your body enough to get it moving and consuming healthy foods, staying hydrated and getting enough sleep,
plus if you are choosing to stay in toxic relationship that are not feeding your heart and soul,
and you are not leaning into YOU…
then you simply are lieing your f-cking ass off to yourself about loving yourself.
You have to fall in love with yourself.
You have to own up to your power and stop making yourself so damn small.
Stop fearing the impressive, expansive person that YOU ARE.
And that my love is why you are so full of this yuckiness to yourself.
👉The reason that you don’t like yourself is because you’re not up to speed with yourself. 🛸🤯💃
You got that love?
YOU WERE BORN TO BE MARVELOUS.
You were created powerful, worthy and came into this world knowing such,
but it got stolen from you by the “good” lessons that your parents and the adults in your life taught you,
what society and school/church showed you,
and you started to believe that you were not powerful, worthy and abundant.
You started to believe that your light was dim.
and this means that you let go of being marvelous.
And that my dear was YOU.
So now the absence of you, really sucks!
It really does not have you feeling your best.
You are struggling to look into the mirror or make eye contact.
You are feeling frumpy and negative,
hating on your fleshy suit and hating on who you have allowed yourself to become.
When the answer to your problem…
if you want to call it that…
cause us humans love to solve problems, right?
Is that the reason that you are not liking yourself,
let alone in love with yourself ( an me too here),
is because you’re not ALLOWING yourself to be yourself.
You have cast your truth out.
And you sit back in your disgust over who you are right now,
and you maintain powerful focus on what needs to change, needs fixed, where you f-cked it all up at.
The worst thing that you can do though is just this.
Holding yourself in focus and finding a critical thought about you.
Because that action,
that manifestation that you are creating,
TAKES YOU AWAY FROM WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
And you are powerful AF!
You are deserving.
You are beautiful and strong.
You are courageous and loving.
You are intuitive and caring.
You are worthy and abundant.
That is who you are.
That is what you are to be living, RIGHT NOW!
And it is up to only you love to take yourself from this absence of self and get the f-ck lined back up.
Synchronize to your TRUTH.
Here is where you will fall in love with you and become mesmerized by staring into your own eyes,
lost in the sea of you.
You will be captivated at your heart and your beauty and you will not just think that you are worthy,
you will KNOW without a doubt that you are,
because your soul knows.
Your souls never has questioned your worthiness or your power.
That is why you are feeling so bad love,
because you are questioning what your soul deeply is certain of.
And when you come back to YOU and who YOU REALLY ARE,
well that is when whatever the problems you are having with your body and life right now, will just wash away with ease.
Time to start loving on the most important person in your world wouldn’t you say?
And STOP trying to be all this or that for everyone else that is not you.
With all my love, beautiful.
Remember Who You Are.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to know more about living an abundant life?
Want to know the secrets to overcoming these little obstacles that can turn into mountains if left in the corners of our minds and rustling around in our energy? Reach out to me about my Asskickery Month of Private 1:1 Global Coaching now, where I will share with you how to overcome and have success in one subject area of your life in the next 4 to 6 weeks.
SOME DAYS YOU QUESTION…
IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?
You know those days where your chest feels so tight it hurts to even try and take a shallow breath,
and you know that what you really need to do is to breathe deep and force yourself to just relax,
but you can’t.
It hurts too effing bad.
You feel like your chest is going to erupt at any second from the pressure that it is under and your heart is beating faster than it should,
you woke with enough anxiety for two countries of people,
and your mind won’t stick to anything positive.
worry dances around you assuring you that today is going to suck,
just like life is sucking. And you question….
Is any of this even worth it?
Does anyone really care?
Do I matter?
And if I do, is it just so I can be of service without support coming back? Am I only here on this planet to be used?
The blame game is a nasty one,
and you know it’s not even accurate,
but there you go anyway,
down that rabbit hole,
feeding yourself another solemn tail of defeat and suffering.
Your mind is a chatter with how you need to just put an end to your suffering,
you have no reason to continue so it appears,
your heart is shattered and no one sees it,
You are lost.
Lost in your pain.
Lost in your inability to love yourself.
Lost in your fear of change.
Lost in desire to control and you cannot see it.
Your ego has you by the balls,
and there is a strange fulfillment in it.
Shhhh…. don’t tell anyone that in your pain you are comfortable.
But it is true.
You are happy here in this suffering,
it is serving you for the time.
It is gaining you the attention that you desire,
it is getting those who are around you to notice you somehow.
Your vibe is so low that they feel a need to check in on you,
to inquire and at very least pretend that they care.
And to this there is an inner smiling.
But not for long.
Quickly you dismiss it.
And move on to another thought of your inner suffering,
pointing more fingers,
spewing out hatred and pain to anyone who will listen.
Confirming your misery.
And controlling that it will not leave you.
Yes my love,
Did you catch that?
You are controlling your pain.
You are forcing it to stay with you.
You are the one who is hanging on to it.
You are truly that powerful,
that you have chosen to put yourself into this bondage.
You are truly that genius to have devised a life of suffering that is so masterfully planned out that even you yourself can no longer see it for the mastery that it is in your power.
Choosing blindness over sight.
Choosing to remain harnessed to the inner demons that you feed with your thoughts and actions.
Choosing to control them,
through your dictatorship of what you cannot do.
But if you could just breathe.
If you could just allow yourself to settle down into that cavity of your heart and feel the beating of its beauty and power.
If you could if only for today allow yourself a moment to release all the emotion that resides there,
let the tears stream without attachment,
without a need to think about them,
but to just let them go.
If you could do this and breathe.
Deeper and deeper,
letting yourself feel yourself and love,
love you for all your humanness,
and your tender beauty and powerful soul,
then perhaps you would be able to turn the corner to this self inflicted suffering.
Perhaps then you could come from your strength.
From that place deep inside of you that knows its worthiness,
embraces its power and see’s how it is truly the creator of your life.
If you could do this for only one minute today,
just one focused minute imagine the glorious thing that could stem from this place?
Imagine what it would be like to ALLOW yourself to turn that corner and to STOP the suffering game that you are playing with yourself.
Imagine what life might be like if instead of denying yourself the ability to feel good,
you in turn started to say yes to yourself with the things that you know you desire, crave and need.
You question your worthiness…
yet you do not treat yourself with any worth.
You question if you should continue on…
yet you deny the allowance of living from a yes point to self.
You roll in the muddy contamination of your thoughts claiming that you are shackled there while holding the key to your freedom.
And the reality is the same for any of us…
We will only make a change when we are ready to make that change.
When we are done with the service that pain offers.
When we are done controlling from this vibrational level and we are ready to truly step into our power of self love.
Ready to surrender to your true nature,
to create a life of thriving.
But first you must question…..
How is this suffering serving me?
Why am I so attached to this pain?
How is controlling my life through pain supporting my current desires?
And you must go deep with yourself if you are to unblock yourself from what you claim you no longer want.
You must get authentically raw with yourself and be willing to see those inner shadows for what they are….
for how you….
YES YOU ARE THEIR MASTER.
Are you ready to turn the corner?
Because this world needs your light.
And you my dear,
YOU ARE WORTHY OF A LIFE OF THRIVING.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Stop with the mind f-ck games that you are playing with yourself and learn the secrets to thriving now.
You can create the life of your dreams in one minute a day.
Message me for deet’s on the Magick Minute Program.
Some wounds never heal for a woman.
I have learned through the course of my 44 years on this planet thus far and who know how many lifetimes before ( if that’s even a thing) that some wounds live with us and carry forward no matter how we try to mask, hide, forget or “heal” them.
They are markings on our vessel that serve a purpose that we are to never fully turn away from.
And as a woman, I feel that the feminine perhaps emotionalizes and carries them even deeper than the masculine can ever comprehend.
Around the topics of love, sex and children,
we discover the potential for some of the most significant wounds.
And I believe that because a woman feels life move through herself in all of these areas that when a wound occurs here that it impacts deeper and on all fronts of her experience.
Think about it….
Sex happens inside a woman’s body.
When you have sex with a woman,
you are INSIDE her body.
You are actually inside another human being in these moments,
and inorder for her to enjoy the moment then she must not be in her mind,
but be able to surrender emotionally, mentally and physically to the experience.
Sex is an external expereince for a man for the most part.
Sure men have heart in it,
and the best lovers come from this space not just from their genitals,
but still sex is happening outside of the mans physical body, creating a certain level of detachment to the process.
Where for a woman,
it is the opposite. It is happening inside her actual body. She must open her body to her partner and in order for her to not be harmed she must trust that her partner will be present and honor that space of her being as well as her heart.
This is why, rape or anything in its nature is not just a physical act that can be physically healed through. It is far more impactful than that. It is mental/psychological and emotional.
And the repercussions are life long for many in these areas. It is something that will bear with it body memory FOREVER.
If we look at love, here too a woman goes deep. She loves with her whole being and she opens herself from this complete state. She is not just loving, ( when it is pure and real) from a place of mind or body. It is not a place of logic. It is the whole being. And when a woman enters into love from this space she melts into the relationship, she becomes one with her partner and she surrenders her fears, her doubts, her pain and armour. She puts it all down and opens herself to being conquered by her man.
Here she is truly vulnerable and knows that he can do great damage if he turns away or chooses to not stand strong in their love. But she enters love anyway.
This is a space that if wounds occur,
they never fully heal.
They remain with a a scar, a void underneath her shield for her lifetime,
always craving for what was had and then lost.
If a woman becomes a mother,
no matter the time that she is one,
She has forever surrendered to this new state of understanding about self and life.
Many women become mothers but are not with children.
Many women believe that these moments that they carried a child ( may it be weeks, months or years) that in the loss, whether chosen or not, that the impact can be overstepped and forgotten.
But once experienced they have to surrender their deepest heart to the truth that it will forever be carried with them.
The deepest of losses.
Men again have heart here,
feel loss here,
but cannot ever fully understand the impact emotionally, physically or mentally that it can have on a woman,
and the disconnect that occurs at this loss between the woman and her very soul and body.
Again this is because it is internal for the feminine and external for the masculine.
A man is told about what he helped create but he does not breathe each day of creation in the true essence and feeling of shared space with another soul 24/7. He does not experience the hormonal responses, the emotional tolls or the physical labor of the event.
And if that child is lost,
he can never comprehend the impact of the mind/body/heart or soul that it takes on the feminine,
because he is detached to the external experience.
All three of these wounds:
All three of these experiences awaken and shut down the very heart of a woman.
They are life altering.
From a cellular level they forever change who the woman is and how she chooses to walk through life.
They have the potential to make her blossom,
Not one of these life experiences can ever be fully healed or forgotten.
Many women experience all three wounds.
Many women do not pay proper honor to these transformation points but in turn shame, guilt and blame themselves for them.
The self-hatred and disgust that is often lived in for a lifetime to follow,
prevents the feminine from ever fully receiving herself again, and she walks through life fearing and doubting her truth.
It is difficult to get a woman who has experienced these wounds to ever set her armour fully down again and trust.
And if she does choose to do so,
she is quick to grab her sword and shield at the slightest sign of trouble.
She forever will walk on eggshells within herself, knowing how fragile she truly is.
And yet the answer is to trust herself and learn to love herself fully again,
despite the pain that she carries,
knowing our courage and strength as a woman is where we can once again enter into love with self and trust with God.
From this feminine heart to yours,
I feel your pain and fear,
I have walked all these wounded paths before,
and I speak today to you beautiful women of the world from that place of not healed,
but a knowing that in our honor of self that we find our breath,
we discover our life again,
and we live.
Stop Existing & Start Loving
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Ladies it’s time to own your power and learn to love again.
Love self again.
Honor self and live your F-ck Yes Life Now!
Reach out to me for my ladies only coaching opportunities now.
It’s not your NORM.
But it feels like it is.
It may be common,
it may be abundant in your life,
But I swear to you…
It’s not your NORM.
And what am I referring too?
I am referring to that feeling of anger.
That feeling of fear.
That feeling of judgment, bitterness, shame, guilt,
Or even questioning.
Your worry is not normal.
Your suffering is not normal.
No matter how prevalent it may seem,
It’s still is not your NORM.
I tell you this with certainly,
That when you feel out of sorts,
when you are caught in negative emotion,
When you feel rageful, vengeful and vindictive.
This is not normal.
This is not who you are.
You sit in such comfort with your chronic ideas of what just is. Accepting life for how you have been told to view it. You watch your life drift by never fully engaging with ALL that you are.
Always searching for happiness,
But only ever gaining small morsels of it at best.
Believing that the drama is normal.
That its just how life is.
But you KNOW at your core its not true.
You know because you are looking for who you are always. You feel the seperation from your truth.
From your SOUL.
There is this strange calling inside of you.
A feeling of something more.
A sensation of your greatness.
But you are trapped under the misery that feels like the reality you must live.
It’s not your NORM.
Your norm is that of love.
Of feeling good.
Now that may sound a bit 60’s flowers child for you.
A little too new age even.
But its the actual truth of who you are and what your state of normal is to be and always is at your SOUL level.
The discord you feel is simply because you are not looking at any given situation through the eyes of God or SOUL. You are viewing it from the disadvantage point of forgetfulness of who YOU ARE.
You have turned your back and closed your eyes to love and THIS is what is causing your worry, fear and suffering.
But there is blessing in your pain
The blessing is the lesson of learning what you do mot want from life and the building of desire for what you do want.
All you need do to embrace the life you want so badly for is to STOP ACCEPTING this ill state of feeling.
Stop allowing yourself to fall prey to what you have always perceived as normal and instead see it for the blessing that it is.
There to reveal to you that you are out of alignment with SOUL.
That you are buying into a faulse reality instead of what is true and you are putting value on things that do not matter nearly as much as you believe.
Soul is not upset about that car cutting you off on the highway.
Soul is not upset that your child drew on the wall.
Soul is not upset that your spouse is not acting the way you want or think you need.
Soul is not upset that the government is doing what it is doing or that your friends said the things they said.
Soul knows that all happens for a reason.
That each event in life is stepping you closer to what you want and that the ONLY thing holding you back is this crazy concept of what you call normal.
Are you ready to embrace the truth?
Are you ready to finally say YES TO SOUL?
Then take the step needed.
The only step ever needed and let go of upur suffering.
Your worry and fear.
Your regrets and your shame.
Let go of your needing someone or something to be different then what it is.
Let go of your you negative vibe.
And JUST LET YOUR HEART BE FELT.
Your soul lead.
You know who you are.
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers “`