I WANT TO NEED HIM.
This is a statement that a woman made to me as we were speaking about her couple-hood.
As I listened to her tale of desire to want to need her man,
that she believed that this is the way that we were designed,
and that so much of our discontent in relationships and life as well as not knowing ourselves comes from this very belief that we women “should not” need men.
That we are just as good and can balance life without a significant other, I thought to myself,
SHE IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
Women have burdened themselves with the disease of believing that we don’t need men, that it is a sign of weakness. That we are lower than human if we rely on our male counterparts. Or that if we are relying on them that we are selling ourselves for a lifestyle, for safety.
And so many women do, do just this.
They settle into relationships not for soul union, not for love, but for comfort and safety. They look at the man’s resume, not his heart.
These women are indeed selling themselves.
They are becoming slaves to a lifestyle and a comfort.
They are not acting from soul or love.
And to them I could write a million lines,
but today I am addressing the women who are afraid of being perceived this way.
So much so, that they armour themselves from beautiful relationships, they fight to be seen strong at all cost, they feel weak at the thought of receiving help from their man. They do not know how to be supported by the masculine.
I am one of these women.
So I share from the depths of my feminine heart on this topic.
I am one of those women that has a ridiculous time receiving from my man. I have learned through the years to allow him to open doors, to help grab the groceries, to let him help me in house and home. I have gotten over him not cumming every time we make love or him focusing all his attention on my pleasure and not receiving physically in times.
I have learned that his pleasure sometimes is all about my receiving in our sexual union.
I have learned that he loves to witness me in rapture.
That he feels great pleasure and satisfaction in my bliss.
In what he gives to me.
But, when it comes to money.
When it comes to bills.
When it comes to buying the groceries.
Even if it is a trinket that I have my eye on and he asks me, do you want that? He is ready to purchase it for me. He wants to bring me pleasure. He wants to see me adorned. He wants my happiness.
I know this. But I feel like I am taking from him.
That I should not need this.
That it is not okay.
That he will perceive me as a woman who is there for the financial support.
And I am scared to lean on him.
I am scared that he will see me as weak.
That my heart and love will be missed some how,
that my truth that I have only eyes and desire for him will be washed over in some way because he has “helped” me.
When in truth, it is not even him helping me.
It is a union.
It is a team.
It is US, supporting the whole together.
And it is my pride that stands in the way of the full union.
It is my pride that screams that I should not need him, all the while my soul feels just like the woman above.
I WANT TO NEED HIM.
Because I DO!
I need his strong masculine guidance.
I need his looks of love and adoration.
I need his tenderness.
I need his touch.
I need his heart.
I need him to need me.
And I do not look at him as though he is weak for wanting me.
Or for needing me.
I know that he needs my feminine heart,
my emotions and touch.
He needs to see my rapture and my tears so he can fully feel who he is at his depth as well.
I know that he wants to need me.
We both have lived without each other just fine.
We both have been more than capable of living life and supporting our loved ones, building lives, businesses and we could easily choose to continue to do just that.
But the union of the masculine and the feminine when done by soul, is a union of desire to be together because together we are stronger.
Together we feel more.
We heal deeper.
We expand fully.
It’s not about money or security.
Although together we thrive all the more as well.
It’s not about weakness in coming together.
It’s uncomfortable in truth to be vulnerable and wide open with someone. To have no hold backs.
To feel as though there are no barriers,
nothing you do not want seen or felt.
To want to be witnessed at the deepest levels by your mate,
is uncomfortable AF!
There is no hiding here.
And we women, hold back from needing our men deeply,
and wanting to need them,
we in turn tell God/Universe that we don’t need them either.
It’s hypocritical of us women to say that we are these brilliant life givers, thus manifestors, creators, powerhouses and to know that we are vessels born to receive and then say NO to receiving because we deem it a weakness because it comes from our man.
How are we to ever fully become our greatest selves if we consistently deny our receiving, our pleasure, support, love from the great masculine?
No wonder we women are lost.
No wonder so many of us are bitter, non-orgasmic, always choose the wrong man who lets us down.
We should expect all of this and know that we have set ourselves up for suffering in love,
To never feel fully loved or cherished because we are not cherishing ourselves.
It is through our ability to lean into the masculine, to open our hearts and put down our armour with a man that holds us close and wants to need us as well, who gets that he is our king, our knight, our protector and great lover. That through his honor and ability to carry us deeper into ourselves that we find ourselves.
It is my belief, and a belief that “just might” be backed by a few spiritual scriptures and structures out there as well, that we are meant to support each other. The equal yoking of the masculine and feminine.
THE DESIRE TO BE ROMANCED LIES DEEP IN THE HEART OF EVERY WOMAN.
IT IS FOR SUCH THAT YOU WERE MADE.
I love this quote by John Eldredge.
However, for us to have that desire manifest, we women must open ourselves to God first,
We must learn to listen to our hearts, our soul, our intuition. We must then open ourselves and lay down the shields and swords of our wounded little girls and let the conscious masculine hold us.
See us fully.
We must be open to needing him.
And we must want to need him.
It is only through our wanting,
And our understanding that, that wanting is not a weakness but a powerful space of abundance, flow and love,
That we gain the opportunity to experience true soul union.
Our union with our man mirrors our union with the divine, with God.
The trust we show our mate,
We captivate our men for a reason.
It is because through us he feels life.
And we are lifted by his true heart and desire to serve us.
So if you are a woman like myself who struggles with receiving from the masculine,
If you feel weak or like you will be misperceived in your wanting of his support, his love, his attention, look no further than your heart.
Ask your truth there.
And see him as God.
Wanting your rapture in all of life.
Stop Existing & Start Living
WE ARE THE ONLY SPECIES THAT WANTS TO GO AGAINST OUR BIOLOGY.
Well, mostly we women that is.
Guys will claim THIS, but somewhere inside they get it is not so, they know that they claim it to just keep that doorway there,
where we women tend to want to disregard, ignore and act as though we are above our biology.
It was not that long ago that I was one of these women myself.
I thought that I could manage it.
I truly believed that I could have the relationship and it just be what I was calling it and that both parties were feeling the same way.
I believed that we were elevated in consciousness to the level that sexual desire did not play a role and that I could seriously “just be friends” with my male friends and that they were down for it just being that and even wanted just that.
THEN I came into the awareness that most if not all of my male friends were actually attracted to me and that if given the opportunity would happily walk through the door of a sexual encounter with me. So I justified the friendship by saying that they respected me and my wishes and that it was manageable.
I came to terms, with if a guy was hanging out in my life as a friend of some nature that he most likely wanted to bed me and I then believed that that was just the way it was and I had to accept it, but could still have the friendships, just needed to be aware.
After all, I am one of those women who has never not had a male friendship since I was 2 – years old.
I have had far more “good” friendships with men than with women over the course of my life.
The thought of giving up my male friendships pained me.
Feeling as though I would have no one left in my true friendship circle if I dumped the guys.
Then I had a few conversations with my son’s who are grown and almost grown, with some of these male friends, with male clients and even with my man.
Their shares can be summed up here,
“Why would I hang out with a female if I was not attracted to her? If I wanted to hang out for all the reasons we guys hang out and do what we guys do, then I would certainly choose to hang out with a guy friend, not a female.”
They all came back with, if they were hanging with a female there were desires to be with her intimately.
And I started to really allow myself to feel this.
To get right with male/female relating.
I looked at my conversations, my shared moments with the majority of my male friends and saw the intimateness.
Sure there was no sex, there was no kissing or intimate touch, but we certainly did share intimacy. Only the kind of intimacy that you can get from the opposite sex.
There was even a flirtiness at times.
Beautiful as it is, it is ground that is not stable.
And no matter how respectful and loyal a male friend can be to us women, if given the opportunity to have a door crack open and him get a chance to be with us, he will.
Meaning that if you are a committed woman, in any label of relationship out there (and I have been under a few labels over the course of the last two decades) that if you are pissed, upset, feeling disconnected in any fashion or form with YOUR MAN, and you share confidence with a male friend, know that you are cracking a door open.
If you are a single woman and you have guy friends,
and believe that they can maintain without issues,
understand first you are almost being cruel to the men in your life,
because without realizing it you are teasing them.
Yes just by being you.
Just by doing you.
If you want to be taken on dates,
experience the male energy,
etc. then perhaps looking at doing just that is the answer.
GO ON A DATE.
And realize that often the best romantic and intimate relationships are based in friendship.
The fact that you think of a man as a good friend,
If you have a trust, a vulnerability there, a fun playfulness with your male friend and you are both open to a relationship that is of more than your pseudo friendship, then maybe the universe has already blessed you with a wonderful man to explore in a romantic fashion.
If you are good with just “managing” these male relationships and keeping them at bay in some fashion, ask yourself:
💃 What am I really gaining from this friendship or looking for with it if I know that he wants me sexually but is just holding back because of what I have stated the boundaries are?
💃 How can this male friendship impact (positively /negatively) an intimate relationship I am in or want to be in?
💃 If I was in an intimate relationship with someone and they were having deep conversations, moments and connections of a vulnerable/intimate yet non-sexual version with another woman frequently what sort of impact would that have on the relationship? Emotionally? Physically?Energetically?
💃 What does significant other or primary relationship mean to me and how does opposite sex relationships outside of this hinder or support?
Now, I know what you might be feeling.
You may say, that is such an emotionally immature way of looking at relationships.
You may say that a “conscious man” is above this.
You may say that there is zero harm from being flirty with your male friends, no matter if you are in a romantic relationship or not with someone else.
You may actually believe and point to lifelong friendships that have never let you down and you are certain that they are “just a brother” to you.
I have thought all of this.
I have believed all of this.
And repeatedly been blown out of the water from these.
We cannot deny our biology.
Men are men.
Women are women.
And we relate differently.
We bond differently.
Men love boobs, booty, legs, hair, our eyes and are wanting to explore us inside and out.
They will smile, chat it up, be helpful and drive from a state away to to show us how much they want to give us their attention.
They will support us in the worst of times.
They will applaud us in the best of times.
And they mean it.
But they still want the woman that stands before them.
They would not be putting their attention on us if they did not desire us in some fashion.
This is why so many men fall in the face of a woman’s attention.
Wars have been based, fought and won for the chance to be with a woman.
It’s just biology.
We women need to get right with it and stop being silly,
thinking that it’s harmless however.
Time to level up your relating.
Stop Existing & Start Believing
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Ready to claim your life back from suffering, fear, doubt and misfortune? Ready to call in the love relationship you desire. The abundance you crave for and the joy you know can be yours.
This Is what I have worked with thousands of people like yourself to have over the last two decades. Reach out to me today.
AS THE SAYING GOES… EVERY BODY IS BEAUTIFUL.
Some days however this forty-four year mama of seven has a tough f-cking time loving the skin I am in.
Some days all I can see are the stretch marks,
that my breasts are not as perky as I wish they were.
All I see are the few extra pounds,
the “love handles” that I do not love.
The jiggle and the wiggle of what I want to be lean and firm.
All I see is how imperfect this skin is.
And here I AM…
Each day is a challenge to balance body well-being, work and motherhood.
Add in my desire to connect daily with my man and I find it often extremely difficult to stay focused on the practices that I know help me to love the skin that I am in and see my inner radiance and my sexyiness as a woman who has given life multiple times over.
Yesterday I felt GORGEOUS.
Today I struggle.
My children yelp for my attention.
They fight and bicker as siblings do.
I look about this house of mine with all the chores that need completed. My list grows ever longer with work items, clients that need attention, friends that need support, taxes that need finished, and laundry… there is always laundry and dishes.
Today I see nothing but the drudgery of this day.
Trapped here in this body that as I pass a mirror I am frustrated with.
The scale never says what I want.
The skinny jeans that I am holding on to with hope of fitting in once again are collecting dust as they nag me from my closet shelf.
I pass by a mirror,
check myself out,
That is today.
Yesterday, I was lean, strong, turned on and felt full of desire for life.
For my man.
For our future together.
I was a rapture of juiciness and love.
I stretched my body out in the clean white sheets of our bed,
feeling each muscle move and open.
I arched my back and opened my chest to the heavens and drew my man in to kiss on it.
I felt yummy.
I felt beautiful.
I wanted to be in my skin.
And with that love and want my day was smooth and peaceful, passionate and fulfilling.
I felt no hast.
Only good vibes.
That was yesterday.
I am all of this, all the time.
As each woman is.
Our bodies and how we feel in them from waking to falling back asleep again has a radical impact on our life views and the energy that we put out into this world.
When we women feel yummy and juicy in our bodies.
When we are turned on to life, to our partners and to ourselves,
our worlds are juicy and supportive of our natural creative abilities.
Our view on life is expansive and we are strong in whom we are.
When we love the skin that we are in.
We are powerful.
EVERY BODY IS BEAUTIFUL.
And this is very true.
Our tiger stripes of pride,
our crows feet of laughter and wisdom.
Every grey hair and random hormone one that pops up where hair should never be.
We wrestle with our ego’s.
We fear that we are not desirable.
if we are not what we deem perfect.
See the world appreciating on social media, magazines and TV.
Real or fake.
Depending on what season we are in,
we are told what our beauty standards should be and how we should aim to meet them.
To be beautiful is to be young?
To be beautiful is to be slim?
To be muscular?
TO BE BEAUTIFUL IN TRUTH IS A FEELING.
It is nothing that our bodies will ever look like.
Never measure up to.
It is not a weight on a scale.
It is not to mimic our favorite celebrity or model.
It is a feeling.
And no one on this planet can make us feel that way permanently.
when our men look at us with love and adoration,
Do you truly believe that they see all our flaws?
Do you believe that they care that your makeup is not perfect?
Your hair needs attention?
That you are not revealing your most perfect pose,
(you know that one that you practice for selfies).
They see your beauty.
And not just your inner beauty.
They stand in awe at the goddess that they have in their life.
They are in love and desire for how our glance makes them feel.
They love watching us move.
Even the wiggle and the jiggle.
They love those little laugh lines they helped put upon your beautiful face.
They love the strength of your body.
How they can get lost in our touch.
And that feeling of beauty that they give to us…
That is our true radiance.
They are helping us to access WHO WE REALLY ARE.
They make it easy to be in alignment with our SOUL.
With our true beauty.
Because they don’t see our fear of imperfection.
They know our truth.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
YOUR BODY IS BEAUTIFUL.
Love the skin you’re in.
And be compassionate to your heart, mind and body the days you do not.
WOMAN YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Calling all you BadA*s Mama’s Out There who want to love your body and feel empowered.
Reach out to me for a private 1:1 consultation to feel empowered in your skin EVERYDAY.
WHEN I MAKE LOVE TO YOU.
I make love to me as well.
You open me to depths of my soul that no other has even come close.
I witness my joy,
all in your arms,
and I feel carried in your presence.
As you look at me,
with eyes on fire with passion and admiration,
I feel the sweetness of your heart,
as well as its hunger.
When my breasts touch your chest,
and you pull me closer,
I feel decades passing through us.
There is no time nor space,
it is but only the here and now.
As you enter my body with yours,
I breathe deep with anticipation,
I feel athirst for your nectors that feed my soul.
My chest expands as I surrender,
at your hand,
I am breathless with your touch.
My eagerness to be taken by you is never ending.
My body aches and yearns for your devouring.
And as you breathe,
my flesh tingles,
my mouth waters,
and I am wet.
I am now the ravenous one.
And you are my home.
To all my followers who crave a relationship, a love that penetrates them to their core.
Yearning for the entwinement with “the one” that twin soul, that soulmate, that knows you beyond words or life memories of this time.
These are the images, the feelings and vibrations that we were born to expereince and we are in search for in our love, in our sex, in our relating. We do not hunger for surface level, superficial relationships, no matter how often we choose to settle for them.
What we desire is the fulfillment of what we know is our home.
And you my dear follower/reader can have just this.
But how you may wonder?
If you currently are not looking into the eyes of home, ‘then how can you call that sort of love in?
It’s all about authenticity and integrity with self.
It’s all about loving self beyond your darkness and mistakes.
It’s all about KNOWING that YOU ARE WORTHY,
worthy of this connection.
And in these things your vibrations will meet.
And you too my dear will experience home.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
2020 was a nasty year for relationships.
Couples and singles alike.
Hard to meet new people.
Difficult to do anything with your current partner.
The stress and worry exhausted many relationships,
and I am here to share with you that 2021 does not have to be the same.
Reach out to me today for my exclusive offers for 2021 for couples to bring back the passion, singles to find true love and more.
LIMITED Opportunities to work with me 1:1
I CAN’T SEE PAST YOU.
I am going to get real with you, raw with you, vulnerable and share something that scares the shit out of me today in this musing.
I sure am not, but here we go anyway 🙂
I recently let down my guards.
I recently decided to just drop the fear of letting love penetrate me to my core,
I recently took down my shield that was protecting my delicate hungry heart,
and I allowed my soul to lead me right into possibly the last relationship of my life.
I possibly opened the floodgates to something that I have craved for, desired and sampled in ways in the past but did not actually believe was possible,
or thought oh that will happen in my golden years if I am lucky.
Folks, I can’t see past him.
WTF am I to do with that?
Never before have I not been able to see a life past someone.
Even my deepest loves in my past I could see life past them,
without them, it may not have been what I wanted for or desired but I could still look past them and know that there was more,
something greater, deeper, more elevating and penetrating.
And here I sit today with the realization that I can’t see past him.
I can’t keep ignoring the words and feelings that rise up in my core,
my soul screams them, my eyes communicate them, my heart shakes and makes me know its desire and to make matters worse he just keeps confirming all of it to me in soft ways and direct ways.
I am done with looking for the gotcha’s.
Done with trying to find what’s wrong, why it would not work, should not work, cannot happen. Done with giving a shit about what the world says….
Sorta taking a Bonnie Raitt approach to this and just going with,
“Let’s give them something to talk about.”
Because the alignment is too f-cking damn good to ignore and turn away from any longer.
I AM ALL ABOUT THE ENERGY.
Everything is energy.
It’s the most potent, important thing when we are looking at anything in our lives. Especially when we are looking at relationships and building a F-ck Yes! Life.
It’s not just chemistry.
Chemistry can fade.
There is New Relationship Energy (NRE) that we all have on the front side of getting together with someone, and it typically lasts anywhere from six months to 3 years if we are lucky, but then it fades and we start to see our partners clearly and as the humans that they are.
We can feel alignment when we are meeting in the wounds of our life and they are sinking up with someone else’s,
We can feel energy when we have physical attraction, mental stimulation, emotional bonding or a feeling that someone “gets us” but true energetic connection goes deeper than all of this.
Real soul alignment is more than that feeling like you are seen or understood.
Energetic Alignment in Intimate relationships is about elevation of the souls.
And it comes from a place of your core.
It comes from two individuals being aligned to who they are first without each other.
Not needing each other, but choosing to add the cherry of the relationship into their already damn good life picture.
True soul alignment is a feeling of coming home.
And when you reach that feeling of coming home you most likely will not be able to see a relationship past this one that elevates you into wanting so much more from life and yourself.
Soul based relating is about expansion in love.
It is about reaching your edge and knowing that you can go further because you are limitless and together you are limitless.
It’s a love that extends past time and space.
My experience over the last six weeks of my life is one of great momentum.
Going zero to 300 you could say.
A hundred years traveled in a little over a month,
the feeling of making up for lifetimes of lost time.
A merger of energy so great that I simply don’t have words to describe.
A shattering of my heart that is breathtaking and welcoming.
And here is something I have recognized in my work with thousands of people through the years who have been through this process of coming into soul aligned relationships of this depth and magnitude:
You can see the steps as to how you arrived right where you are at and how f-cking perfect everything is. How the synchronicities, the crazy little coincidences, how people, places and timelines guided you to this moment, to this relationship and how had you chosen differently you would have set things back or even missed it.
YOU HAD TO BECOME A MATCH TO THIS ENERGY.
And that is the truth.
We forget how WE,
Yes, we and only we can do this for ourselves. That we have to become a match to the person that we want to call into our lives.
All this talk about soulmates, twin flames, etc….
and the thing that we forget to realize is that we only get to have these powerful, dynamic fully turned on passionate and limitless relationships WHEN we choose to do our damn work and get rock solid in our core as to who the f-ck we are and what we want in life.
We have to be unwavering and selfish MF’s to get our energy aligned to this kind of empowered relationship.
Until we do so,
we spend our time learning about ourselves,
about what we want and what we do not want.
We take ourselves through the school of love and relationship and gain our education into SELF.
And then if we become self-aware.
If we become “woke” as some would say,
then without reservation, without even trying you find yourself just lined up to the most precious, yummy, juicy, fully absorbing, ignited relationship that you can imagine.
You will see how you were sampling pieces of it in previous experiences. You were being given the gift of being able to recognize this relationship quickly when you finally decided to become a match to it.
And when it comes for you,
there will just be a KNOWING.
The questions stop.
Your ego may try to put up a fight,
it may attempt to sabotage out of fear of getting hurt again,
but under that you will still have this undeniable feeling of CERTAINTY.
And the world won’t matter.
Your fears will not hold a candle to the power of your heart.
Other opinions, judgement, perceptions you will just turn away from without worry,
because you will just KNOW.
Like you know yourself,
you will recognize this soul aligned relationship.
And you will continue to run forward in faith and enthusiasm.
And you most likely will not be able to look past this relationship.
Beautiful isn’t it?
Intimacy share dear reader:
I sat here the other morning, alone, drinking my coffee, breathing in the crisp morning air, feeling this soul with me energetically even though we were not physically together. I closed my eyes and saw his. And with a breath I fast forwarded through this life,
I sat at the doorstep of death and I took it in.
I felt the goodbye of the physical and I felt his hand in mine.
And I welcomed it because it was a spectacular sharing of a lifetime,
and I knew that not even death could take this from us.
It’s powerful and pure.
It’s limitless and it is what we all crave and desire.
We may settle for logical, smart and fun.
We may settle for “good enough.”
But we always remain hungry until we access our core and get aligned and right with self.
And then leap in faith into life and let ourselves be carried to what we KNOW is home.
“I can see the rest of my breaths in this lifetime in your arms.”
Yes I can.
I encourage you today my love, to look deep within yourself and ask yourself if you are settling or contemplating settling for just “good enough” in your relationship, in your love?
How does that knowing that you are settling make you feel?
Sit with that for a second if you can.
Stop making excuses.
Stop looking for the reasons and focusing on the fear of what if…
Instead know that you are worthy of a great penetrative love.
You are worthy of accessing heaven and experiencing a soul merger that you know at your core can be so,
but you currently have no knowledge or relationship with.
You must be willing to meet yourself though.
You must be willing to let go of your ego based loving ways,
you’re codependent habits and desires,
and you must be willing to be complete and whole in WHO YOU ARE FIRST.
This is your work.
This is the only earning you will ever have to do.
Become elevated to who you are and that soul aligned relationship will magically appear overnight.
what you desire and want,
wants and desires you too.
It’s time that you say F-ck Yes To YOU Love.
Elevate your love.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Ready to elevate your love and life in 2021?
Ready to call in that soul aligned relationship that you cannot see past?
Let’s get you aligned to your core love.
Reach out to me for information on my 1:1 and group coaching programs starting in January 2021 and the early bird discounts for those coming later this month.
DESIRABLE DOES NOT MEAN ACCEPTED.
Today I was speaking to a man that told me that he thought that I was a highly desirable woman.
Yesterday I was having lunch with a man who told me that he just thinks that the rest of the world looks at me the way he does and sees me in that way.
A few days ago, I was working with a man who said, “Wow, if I could just find someone like you.”
Last week an old lover of mine told me that he never stopped desiring and loving me.
And a few years ago a man who crept into my space and heart told me how desirable I was, and he did so daily for some time.
Prior to him, there were a few more men who claimed the same.
And they all said that they loved me for who I was,
for my radiance, my glow, my light.
They loved how playful and turned on I was to life.
They loved witnessing me with my family,
and watching me teach classes.
They loved my out of the box ways, even though it made them breathe, because they knew that it meant that they needed to grow and that they wanted to be a better man by being around me.
All of these men said that I awoke them to a greater understanding of who they were,
I brought desire back into their lives,
and they never expected that from a relationship in this way.
Each of these men,
beautiful, dynamic men,
from my past are just that…
from my past.
They are not in my current nor in my future,
and even though I hold great love and gratitude for each of them for the lessons that we shared and what they awoke inside of me,
they all share one thing in common outside of believing that I am desirable.
And that is that they could not ever fully accept me.
Yes that highly desirable woman,
that goddess on her knees,
that siren in the bedroom,
that nurturing caring woman who loves her family dearly,
that coach, presenter, teacher who has passion without edge for her work,
that outspoken, take no shit,
got no f-cks left to give about how you view me desirable woman,
who loves to play, has a big heart,
struggles with her own insecurities and fears,
her own lack of worthiness and shame,
but does her damn work each and every day,
because that is the only thing that keeps her going strong.
Yes that desirable woman.
They could not really embrace.
They loved all those pieces,
they wanted me to hold them up,
to be all of me.
To shine as bright as the north star in the heavens.
And loved the light that cascaded down on them.
But they could not handle it. They feared it in truth.
That highly desirable woman.
well there was one great issue they had not conceived of yet,
that on their arm there I was.
Still highly desirable,
not just by them but by many.
and because my light attracted others,
this they feared.
so without understanding,
they all chose their own way to hide from the light,
or maybe better to dim the light as to make it not as attractive to all the competition.
And so the timeless story of boy meets girl,
boy falls in love with girl,
boy gets girl,
boy kills girl,
Not an actual physical death in my case,
but a killing of my radiance over time.
Through fear, shame, guilt, manipulation and falsities,
These men of my past have all fallen prey.
In their deep love and admiration of all that I am and can be,
they could not stand in the light and feel strong in the knowledge that others saw it too.
And so they ventured to take the star down from the heavens to keep it safe.
Not understanding that it was the death of the star or of the relationship with the star.
Now, some of these men would tell you that they fully accepted me, others would be more truthful and admit that it was too much for them,
they all would say that they had no desire to actually put out or even dim the light.
Because they loved that light and they all wanted me to be the best me that I could ever be.
They would tell you that it was not me that they did not fully accept, it was instead some of my ways, some of my beliefs, some of my desires or needs.
They would tell you that I triggered their past wounds.
They would tell you that I triggered their insecurity.
They would tell you that I was too outspoken, or out of the box in my relating.
They would tell you that it takes a lot to hang with me,
to breathe into some of the conversations that happen on a daily, moment to moment basis,
or that my flirty natural state of being was concerning.
They would tell you all of these things.
And they would say it was those things that caused the issues.
And I say what about those things are any different then the list above that you loved and desired so?
it is the triggers, the wounds, the fears and insecurities.
That is what is different.
And therefore these beautiful, lovely, dynamic men of my past simply could never accept me for their own inner saga of thoughts turning to emotions and leading down the path of needing me to “just not be so bright.”
Well at least not so bright for anyone but them.
Just shine on me.
because it was the competition,
the fear of losing the highly desirable woman that they had on their arm and in their bed that was actually the issue.
And since that was linked to me,
Well the solution was simple…
STOP BEING SO DAMN DESIRABLE.
Surely then they would feel safe.
They would be happy.
They could feel strong, stable and confident.
Just so long as I was not so desirable.
So wanted by others.
Change who you are babe,
but don’t change a thing.
Be you 100% babe,
just don’t make me feel insecure by being you.
Be confident, playful, sexy babe,
but only behind closed doors where others will not want for you.
I love the way you look babe,
But don’t look that way in public.
Yes these lovely men from my past,
love them I certainly do,
and so many men out there believe that they love their highly desirable woman fully as well,
but I ask you if that is true?
Can you feel strong and confident in her presence?
Can you feel strong and confident in the knowing that she is wanted by others but chooses you?
Can you feel your power more intensely by being with her,
or do you shake inside and feel the need to fight to keep all others at bay?
Does her beauty and intelligence scare you?
Her lack of need shakes fear to your core?
Does the fact that you cannot control her fluster and irritate?
These are the questions my love.
These you must answer truthfully,
for if you answer in accordance to keep her but it is not your truth,
you will only lose her all the quicker.
THE DESIRABLE IS OFTEN NOT ACCEPTED,
This is the reality of life.
we desire to alter to our wishes,
believing that we can hold it without question,
believing that we have what it takes,
and so we lie about our truth,
we fall prey to fear and triggers,
but we forget that the answer is always the same…
unconditional love and acceptance,
is the foundation to everything beautiful and long term.
It cannot be forced.
It can not be faked.
You either have it or you don’t and if you don’t it means that you need to go within and find it for yourself before you can ever proclaim it for another.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
*Photo Credit @DandeLionImages
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF….
I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANT YOUR SEX…
HIS SEX… HIS SEX… AND HIS…..
That’s a hard pill to swallow no matter if you are a man or a woman hearing it from your partner.
When the one you have invested your life with,
shared so many firsts with,
are doing this thing called life with,
comes to you and says that they desire to explore another,
or a few others.
The first reaction is fear.
The next anger.
And then you question,
“whats wrong with me, why am I not good enough.”
It feels like your partner has just told you that you mean nothing to them.
It feels like they just drove a million swords into your heart,
into your love and happiness.
And you find yourself not trusting.
feeling lonely, jealous and mad AF!
Whether they have acted on the desire of exploring another or not,
Most people struggle with their partners sharing a hunger for anyone but them.
Most feel threatened that their partner would ever even admire someone else.
Let alone say that they may want to explore someone else.
This goes against everything that we have taught since marriage came into play thousands of years ago.
But I tell you this little tidbit of truth in relationships.
No matter if you are in a monogamous or open relationship,
it is crazy stupid to think that all our desire,
all our noticing of others,
all of our attractions end for anyone else on this planet and is to ONLY be directed toward the one that we have sworn our sex too, our hearts too, our lives with.
The belief that desiring another is not healthy is perhaps one of the most toxic beliefs that can fall into a relationship.
It causes shame, guilt and separation in the relationship.
It prevents each party from being truly authentic with self or each other, and it creates a victim mindset.
Think about it,
In our culture that values but does not uphold monogamy we have programmed ourselves to believe everything that is not coming from love.
We say that we unconditionally love someone.
We say that we value honesty and truth above anything.
we say that we want our partner to shine,
to be happy and feel their best.
We claim that freedom is high on our list of desires.
We say that we do not want to own anyone.
And then we do everything in our power to do just the opposite.
And we start by preventing our partner from feeling their truth.
and ourselves as well.
We start by saying that from here forth we are it for each other.
Neither of us will EVER think about, look at or have a desire for anything or anyone outside of this relationship.
And if one of us do,
well we certainly better never admit it,
but if we do have a thought or feeling and it gets seen by the other then that will cause great jealousy and fear.
It will prove that the desiring partner is not to be trusted.
It will prove that the love was not real.
It will prove that there is a lack of commitment.
Here we have some of the greatest lies told to humans in relationships.
THE LIE THAT JEALOUSY IS NORMAL AND IT IS AN INDICATOR OF LOVE.
Jealousy has zero to do with love and everything to do with fear and lack of self-worth. It is about controlling someone else through emotional warfare to hold them in place to where we remain comfortable and feel safe. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity in the one feeling it and has NOTHING to do with actual love.
THE LIE THAT YOU SHOULD MEET YOUR PARTNERS EVERY NEED AND IF YOU DON’T THEN YOU ARE INADEQUATE OR THEY ARE TOO NEEDY.
This is a most unreal expectation placed on all of us in a relationship.
No one will ever be able to meet someone elses every need. No where else in our life experience are we expected to fulfill every need met for any person in our lives, children, friends or work related, we understand that it takes a village to meet all the needs. However when it comes to our sexual/romantic relationships we believe differently.
Here we get trapped in the concept that our partner MUST be our everything. That they must complete us. And if they do not or we cannot for them then we are not good enough or they are not. If we do everything that we can to fulfill every need and fall short then perhaps our partners are too needy, perhaps they want for too much and are even using us or taking us for granted.
When in truth these expectations are simply unreal, causing shame, guilt and feelings of a lack of worthiness or enoughness in one or both parties.
THE IDEA THAT YOUR INSECURITIES ARE YOUR PARTNER’S RESPONSIBILITY TO TIP TOE AROUND AND NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK ON.
We are told that if our partner loves us then they will do everything in their power to not hurt us. To not harm our feelings and that if our feelings get hurt that it is a direct attack from someone who is being selfish and uncaring. We walk into a relationship expecting the other to magically never trigger us into any negative feelings or thoughts and to be able to read our past memories and current moods and thoughts without us having to say anything to them. And when they do not… OMFG! how disrespectful and uncaring.
The blame game is among one of our favorite games to play because it takes our responsibility away from managing ourselves and allows us to manipulate our partners emotions by having them believe that they are so powerful because of the love that we hold for them to make or break us in any given moment. We expect them to change and to grow, to become better so that we can somehow avoid the hassle of ownership of our own mind, hearts and actions. “You made me feel….” ” You should have known…” etc.
The truth is that NO ONE is responsible for our feelings or thoughts. Our hyperactive sensitivity has nothing to with this world or anyone else in it, instead it shows how insecure we are in ourselves about who we are and how we choose to turn over our power consistently in the pursuit to get what we want the most in that moment… control over someone else’s actions, thoughts and feelings. The only person who can ever help us or change us is the person in the mirror and until we fall in love with that person and fully accept them in all their humanness we will never feel secure in the arms of another.
THE BELIEF THAT COMMITMENT IS SYNONYMOUS WITH EXCLUSIVITY.
Commitment = Exclusivity is the common belief. If you desire or need any other romantic/sexual or emotional relationship then you are not committed. Matter a fact you are considered to have commitment fears and issues. This is sort of like saying if you have more than one child you can only be committed to one child and none of the others. There is only so much love to go around. Only so much concern. If you are committed then you should not ever have any curiosity. You should never feel a connection with anyone else.
And if you do, well you are not committed. You are not to be trusted. And certainly do not value the love that you share.
When the truth is that these two are not the same.
To be committed is to be dedicated and loyal to someone.
That does not mean that you have to exclude every other person from your life and all relationships that may trigger your partner.
Commitment is something that is unique by definition to each individual, because loyalty or dedication means something different to each.
Yet in many relationships we believe that once we are with someone that we can no longer have friends of the opposite sex, that we have to be completely different around the opposite sex, and we have to close off our personalities, close down the things that we enjoy and avoid at all cost or risk the perception that we are not committed in our relationship. This also comes back to the concept that we are responsible for our partners’ insecurities.
But it is not true.
THE IDEA THAT YOUR VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY THEY SPEND WITH YOU, AND ZERO-SUM COMPETITION WITH EVERYTHING ELSE THEY VALUE IN LIFE – INCLUDING OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.
When we are in a romantic relationship we feel like we need to attach at the hip. After all, this person is our person. This is our best friend, our lover, our life partner. We should want to spend as much time together as possible, right. And if they care, if they really love us then there will be zero competition with anything else in their lives. They will want to be with us more than they want to learn that new skill, or play with their hobby, more than they want to work on themselves or build their career, and they most certainly will ALWAYS choose us over any other relationship.
Just because we are in a romantic relationship does not mean that all of our desire for everything else should go away. It does not mean that we stop wanting to explore and expand alone. It does not mean that we must spend every possible waking moment together nor that we need to experience every first with each other. These are ridiculous, illogical ideas that can not be manifested without killing desire for our partner and creating boredom.
In order for us to crave our partners we must expand as an individual. We must have a life outside of our mate. So often people feel like they have lost themselves, that they don’t know who they are anymore or that their partner does not see them anymore. This all stems from the fact that they prevented the space for growth as an individual and thus lost the magic of the relationship.
THE IDEA THAT BEING OF VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER SHOULD ALWAYS MAKE UP A LARGE PORTION OF HOW YOU VALUE YOURSELF.
You complete me is a common statement that you hear in romantic relationships. The idea of being completed by someone lends to it the concept that because we feel fulfilled by a relationship that if that person ever changes or needs for something else or more that in turn we are not of as much value to them therefore we lose our own self-value because the thing that shows of the evidence of being worthy and valuable/lovable has changed.
This is crazy. Self-worth, love and value should never be sought for or hinge on anything outside of ourselves and our relationship to self and if we believe in God then to God or Source. The outside world and everyone in it just like ourselves are ever changing. We have no control over what occurs outside of ourselves and if we hinge our value on such we will never be strong in who we are or know ourselves. We will never feel safe or be able to trust.
THE IDEA THAT THERE IS A “ONE” OR SOULMATE AND THAT THIS INSURMOUNTABLE LOVE CAN OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLES OR DIFFERENCES.
We buy into the idea that there is only “one” true love and that when we find it that it will be able to conquer all challenges. However, when that does not happen then we feel shortchanged, untrusting and question if love even exists. The reality is that love, any love has its limits because we do not think of love in an unconditional way. We mix love up with need therefore the love that we desire to achieve in our relationships often comes with many hidden expectations as well as feelings of a need to control it out of fear of losing it.
The concept of “the one” is beautiful and brings with it the idea that we are uniquely made just for someone else, meaning that we are indispensable to our partner. However this like so many other toxic beliefs in relationships is illogical. We each are unique no matter what, however if we are so needed by someone else is that love or need that is ruling our relationship and thus heart and with that is there any room for each individual to grow, change or transform as life will do to all of us? There is not under the guise of this belief. Because if we evolve as individuals then we may grow out of certain needs with our soulmate. Thus creating separation and a disconnect if both are not growing singularly as well as a couple.
In truth what we see with “the one” is that we are each “the one” for RIGHT NOW for someone and they for us. And maybe that relationship is romantic, maybe it is not. But what we are to gain from the relationship experience is a greater knowing of self through the experience of another who challenges us, triggers us and calls us forth to become so much more of who we truly are.
These relationship myths and beliefs are an under current to our society. They are put on pedestals in our culture from movies and songs, to paintings and literature. They are focused upon in our spiritual study and ingrained in us from our pastors, family and friends.
All of them lead us to a false concept of love.
Unreal expectations of relationships for self and our partners and separation of self by preventing us from not owning our hearts, our thoughts and feelings, let alone our desires and needs out of fear of losing what we call love that is actually control over another.
No matter the label that you put on your relationship the question that you should ask of yourself and your partner of RIGHT NOW is,
“Can I be me unapologetically and authentically without a fear of losing you because of me being me? “
If you can both answer yes truthfully then you have love and acceptance of self and each other. These are the building blocks to an ever evolving relationship and life.
If not, then you need to ask yourself if sacrificing yourself for your lifetime will ever bring you the happiness and love that you are hoping it will?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn more about authentic relating and how to develop a relationship based in unconditional love? Reach out to me to learn more about my couples and individual coaching today.
It’s time to realize that you are worthy of a beautiful relationship.
WHY I DON’T DO BIRTH CONTROL HORMONES….
And WHY I don’t believe that any conscious woman should.
That sounds crazy right?
Birth control is a smart thing.
And science has created a way for us to take charge of if we have children or not. There are so many options in today’s world from a multitude of birth control pills, shots, films, sponges, rings, etc. etc.
Not only are we protected 99.9% from unwanted pregnancy but we also can have clearer skin, lighter periods even fewer periods and have certainty as to when our flow is. Something that can get altered when you are not on hormone based birth control.
Birth control puts the woman in a power position for sure.
But here is the thing…
Before you string me up to crucify me and say well Kendal, no wonder you have seven children, you don’t do birth control. I want to share a few scientific things with you after my intimacy share on my seven children.
You see many years ago, like 29 years ago I was fifteen years old.
I was a virgin. Never even been kissed. And I had regular periods that were always on time, I had clear skin because I have always been conscious of the food going in my body, my skin’s health and hydration. So no pimply faced girl here, even back then.
AND there were zero boys in my world.
But my mom, being a concerned mom for her little girl that was becoming a woman took me to the gyno and told me that I needed to get on birth control to….(ready for the silliness…)
Get my period regulated and help with my skin, limit my breakouts.
My argument was that I did not want chemicals in my body when there was no reason for them. And the reasons given made no sense for all that I already shared that my mom knew clearly.
But mom said, so I did.
But I started taking birth control pills regardless of the facts.
Of course not long thereafter a boy popped up in my world.
And after a year of dating we had sex.
Unprotected sex because I was on the pill, so we had nothing to worry about.
We had a ton of unprotected sex.
Because there was nothing to worry about.
And no one bothered to inform me of anything different.
Condoms were known of,
they were spoken of,
but no one made a big deal out of them,
it was all about the pill.
Time went on and the boy and I broke up.
I quickly ( like 3 months later, quickly) found myself in bed with a man, who would become my husband shortly thereafter. We moved quickly into sex, unprotected sex because we had nothing to worry about, I was on the pill.
Well life got crazy, and I missed a pill.
Not knowing that I was fertile myrtle, I ended up pregnant right off the bat from one missed pill.
Welcome to the world child #1.
After birthing her, I got back on the pill,
one month I developed a bladder infection and took medication for it that canceled out my birth control but the doctor did not warn me and I was young and undereducated, and so welcome child #2.
Then… then I got smart…
I decided to get this new thing called the Depo Shot…
and my marriage was unhappy as hell so I ended up cheating on my husband, well the Depo Shot had no clue how fertile I was, because somehow someway it did not work and welcome child #3.
I had no clue what had taken place and my doctor suggested that I go on this other new birth control pill because it was to be really good, AND it supposedly would not cause the weight gain, the mood changes or fatigue that I was getting from the Depo Shot…
and so I did.
Well life got stressful again,
and we moved residences, we fought horribly, we moved again, and somehow in the midst of the chaos I ended up pregnant again.
Welcome child #4.
I grew tired of all the keeping track of four children under 10 and the pill that had to be taken at the same time each day or it would fuck up, plus my moods were no better. I was feeling lost in myself.
So I went back to the Depo Shot, thinking that maybe after all these years it got better. At very least I only had to deal with it once every three months. In the midst of depression and despair I found myself on the Depo Shot, 30 pounds heavier then what I should be and pregnant yet again with child #5. The doctor could not understand how I could get pregnant two times on the depo shot without any medication interference, but it happened.
And THEN my husband had had enough….
He got clipped.
And I got off ALL hormone based birth control.
And you know what happened?
I found myself again.
The weight dropped off with ease.
My mind cleared.
My mood stabilized.
My periods were not as fierce and painful.
My immune system improved.
I felt so much better.
but now I had one massive issue.
Every time I had sex with my husband,
my body rejected the sex.
I would break out in a burning mess.
My pussy was pissed at the experience.
And I was not wanting anything to do with him.
I was unattracted, turned off and could not bring myself to even really be willing to go into any sexual experience with him.
At one point I even thought I might be allergic to his semen.
And so that thought led me down a path of discovery.
Turned out that we women can be allergic to a man’s semen.
Also turns out that hormone based birth control has a major impact on a woman’s immune system, and moods.
And do you want to know what the most astounding tidbit that I discovered was and is the MAIN REASON why I am sharing this post… the main reason why I do not take it and instead preach condoms… (outside of the sheer fact that the birth control pill does not protect against disease of any sort)…
“…contraceptive pill use alters mate preferences, women who had taken hormonal contraceptives while meeting their partner and later discontinued their usage (as many do when they wish to conceive) may feel disenchanted with their initial partner choice. Indeed, the use of hormonal contraceptives may not only affect initial partner choice but also have unintended consequences for women’s relationship satisfaction if contraceptive pill use subsequently changes. Prior studies have provided evidence for this hypothesis, indicating that women who had used hormonal contraceptives when they first met their partner and then ceased to take them experience lower levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction5 and are more likely to get divorced….” (Gurit Birnbaum, Ph.D., is a professor at the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology, the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya. Psychology Today)
I believe that any conscious woman who wants to develop a truly loving and connected relationship with a man should be aware that if she is on a hormone based contraceptive that she is most likely not getting the right reading of the man.
It has been my discovery since the days of birth control and myself that my attraction is opposite to what it used to be.
After all we get into relationships not just for the purpose of starting up a family or getting a dad for our kids from our previous relationships. Typically we are looking for love and connection. We are wanting long term satisfaction, happiness and attraction to our mate. So why not create the most conscious space for it. A space where our body wisdom can be heard?
Of course that would also mean that we would have to be willing to want to hear it.
And even more importantly it would require all of us women who desire to be standing strong in our personal power to also be willing to speak our truth and ask for our needs to be met around sex and sexual practices more, instead of just spreading our legs and letting the men in our lives do as they want unconsciously.
It would require us to speak up about safe sex.
It would require us to value ourselves enough to not just ask but demand that protection be used,
and if we are truly not wanting to have any children to have the conversations with our partner(s) around this.
We are not taught as a people to have this sort of real, open relating. We are not taught as women that we can ask and even demand that our bodies be respected as we choose.
We are not warned of the possible and common complications that can impact our bodies as well as our desires and psyche from such things as contraceptives, but we are taught as women that it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to make sure that we take care of that fertility thing.
I for one wish my mother had never stolen this right from me. I wish that my body had been given the opportunity to fully mature without extra hormones and all the issues that it has been known to cause on an undeveloped female productive system. I wish that I had been better educated in my youth about sex and sexual health and rights. I wish that someone had been there to guide me better and give me the option as to what to do with my body and explain everything instead of pushing me down what was considered normal and healthy, responsible.
At the end of the day,
The most loving and responsible thing we can do for ourselves as women and for the men we choose to do relationships with is to come into that relationship as OURSELVES. Not altered by chemicals.
For the same reasons it is not a healthy practice to have sex drunk or under the influence of drugs,
we should not be having sex under the influence of hormones that are not of our own bodies design.
Perhaps we would find that more people would be happy in the relationship choices that they make.
Perhaps more people would not go through all the depression and lostness if they could be authentically themselves.
Perhaps more women would not be labeled “CRAZY” if they were not being bounced around by pharmaceuticals in the pursuit to make pregnancy all the woman’s responsibility and take away the responsibility of the men to be conscious of their bodies, their control and health.
Just random thoughts from a mother of three daughters of her own.
A woman who values her relationships with men, and wants to only get involved with those that are authentically “right” for me…
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Time to claim your truth is beautiful.
Time to say yes to valuing yourself, to loving yourself and knowing who you really are.
But in order to do this you have to desire to fall in love with the real you.
And if you are looking for love and success,
but wonder why it is always just out of grasp then maybe it’s really time for you to explore your truth.
From sexual health choices to learning your authentic yes and no,
you have never been told its okay to be YOU.
I am here to reveal to you that it is more than OKAY.
It is your duty to your happiness to do just that.
Reach out to me to discover options for coaching today.