Retraction.The holding of the breath.
The gripping of one’s fist.
Fidgetting.
What we expereince when something is shared that we don’t want to hear.
It can be hard to hear our partner speak about what they are feeling. How they are thinking. Or the challenges that they are having in the relationship.
It can be terrifying at times and make us question if the relationship will survive.
It can make us feel weak,
defeated, not enough, lost even.
When our partner throws a verbal dagger at us,
whether they know it or not,
it hurts.
And we find ourselves tossed between gratitude for finding out and a desire to not know any more.
To just make it go away.
The gratitude is our soul telling us that this is what is needed,
if our partner had not openned up and shared then that would mean that the relationship was already dead and it was just a matter of time till we discover its corpse.
This is what happens frequently however,
so often couples carry on and one partner is blind and deaf to the truth of what state the relationship is in, until it is too late and then they scratch their head in confussion of , “How is this possible, I thought everything was good?”
If we lean into the desire to make this pain go away and to not hear it anymore,
we may find ourselves retracting our love to our partner.
We may find ourselves just simply disregaurding what they are sharing and moving along as though it never happened.
Hoping that if we don’t talk about it or give it attention that it will change on its own.
This is detrimental to the releationship, however.
Making excuses up as to why you cannot focus on this right now, saying that this is the wrong tme to bring it up, saying that its all in our partners head or that thats not true, are all statements sharing that you do not value your partners feelings, thoughts or heart and that you are more caught up on the gut punch and how bad it was of them to make you feel this or to ask for something.
This is also detrimental to the realtionship.
The ONLY path to choose in this instance “IF” you desire to keep the relationship that you have and to make it strong and happy again is to PAUSE and listen without denial, without hiding, without excuses or fighting.
This is what is referred to as
“holding space.”
Coaches and therapist’s do this all the time for their clients.
The answers are often formed through the venting,
the sharing, the allowance of the feeling.
As a couple, if you desire to take some bad news shared and turn it into gold, then this is the sapce to start in.
If you close the door to the communication,
if you get angered or bitter about the sharing,
if you go into attack mode,
or allow your fear to control,
then you will find yourself pushing your partner further away.
Communication is the key to holding a relationship together.
Communication is the key to healing a relationship.
Commincation is the key to building trust, intimacy and love.
But communicating means listening without judgement or a need to be right or change what someone else is feeling or thinking.
Comminucation also means presenting a safe space where your partner feels permission and safety in speaking what they need and that their words will be heard and acknowledged.
Commincation means sharing your truth.
Sharing what you are feeling, fearing, troubled with, needing, not liking, liking, loving.
If you want a turned on, empowered relationship then you have to move away from surface level relating.
You must be willing to hear it all and hold that space for self and your partner.
You must be willing to offer what is going on with you and INQUIRE about what your partner is expereincing,
Most relationships today do not do this.
They believe that they do,
but they don’t.
Most relationships accept the answer of,
“I am good. I am fine. We are good.”
The simple truth is that relationship requires work, time, energy, truth, compassion,communicating, stepping back from a need to be right.
If you don’t take the time right now to share with your partner or to hold space for your partner to share and actually listen to what they are sharing, understanding that every share is valuable, then what you will discover is that your relationship will end.
If you claim that you love your partner.
Claim that you love your relationship.
Claim that it is the most important thing to you.
That it and them matter.
Then let it be witnessed through your actions of taking the time and making it priority.
Without shame.
Without guilt.
Without anger.
Without retraction.
Without accusations.
But with LOVE.
If you think you don’t have time to do this,
then I promise you that you will find a time that it will not longer beasking for your time.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Message me for 1:1 couples and individual coaching availble world wide and/or group coaching focused on this and more.