Safety In Relationships – What That REALLY Means!

Safety In Relationships – What That REALLY Means!

 

Relationship. 

Most humans want a relationship, 

They are looking to be loved, to be cherished and cared for. 

One of the main things I hear over and over again in my couple’s work or when working with a client who has recently come out of a relationship is that they “just want to feel safe.”

 

The word safe, the concept of safety in an intimate relationship is one that seems like it should be a ‘no duh’ sorta thing, right?

 

I mean, why would you get into a relationship with someone if you don’t feel safe?

That is causing you some sort of harm. 

Often, though, the word safe does not mean that one is being abused. 

It does not mean that they are being harmed in any physical or emotional fashion even, 

All it is in relation to is that the individual doesn’t feel that they can trust their partner with their most intimate realms, with their needs, fears, complaints, opinions, or true ideas around certain topics without their words and feelings being used against them somewhere down the road. 

 

And these are BIG issues in modern intimate relationships of all manner. 

 

The ability to trust and be vulnerable with our mate is what is required if we are to truly be able to rest in the arms of the relationship and enjoy happiness, connection, and longevity. 

If we are aiming to go the long haul with someone then we must be able to trust them and reveal ourselves. 

 

ALL of ourselves. 

Although NOT all of the time. 

I should make the critical point here that the concept that trust and vulnerability, knowing everything that there is to know about each other and providing a space where there is nothing hidden is and often can be detrimental to the relationship. We must understand that we will never fully know any other human being on this planet in totality. We must as well understand and accept that always stating the “brutal honest truth” is not always the healthiest nor most loving thing for the relationship. Sometimes the “brutal truth” is a criticism that doesn’t need to be stated at that moment and will quickly trigger an old wound that will manifest into an avalanche of pain and disconnection for the couple. Sometimes, these painful “truths” need to be swallowed by the one who is wanting to share them because they only cause harm to the entity of “us” to the relationship and thus to the individuals in the relationship. 

 

We see this consistently in arguments. 

How many times have you found yourself losing sight of the point that you were originally wanting to make or the solution that you were wanting to find because  you or your partner were triggered and thus an argument stirred up and all points were lost?

 

Next thing you know, one harsh word is quickly followed by another and there is an assasination of each person’s character happening. Creating further wounding and separation as each enter the blame game and armour up in their towers against the enemy that they call their soulmate. 

 

Safety in relationship means simply that I can trust you to care about me. 

To want what is best for me. 

To care about my feelings. 

And to not use them against me down the road. 

 

The saying that all is fair in love and war is pretty accurate however, and we tend to file away the things that our partners share with us in deep vulnerability only to use it for ammo another day. 

 

Unfortunately, this tactic only leads to separation, fear to share, to open up and creates a space where both parties do not trust the other. 

 

In early stage relationship ( the courting phase and honeymoon) we desire to learn all that we can about our mate. We are mesmerized by their hearts, how they see life, what they have lived through, what their dreams are and fears. We want them to know that we have their backs, that we are a rock for them that will not waiver. Our rose tinted glasses keep us focused on “what we can do for them” and the beauty of the entity of “us” that makes up this relationship. We intently listen with limited judgement about their past and present. And we offer all the same of ourselves. 

 

Give a couple years of relationship and we almost 100% of the time find a radically different dynamic happening. 

 

Now, we find exhaustion in our partners fears and dreams. 

We look at the relationship and we say, “What have you done for me lately?”

We point out all the times that we were there and they were not. 

We find ourselves drifting off in judgement and criticism in our heads and thoughts when our partner shares with us, and we believe that we know them so well that we already know what they will be sharing about their thoughts and feelings around any given topic. 

 

This is where the statement of:

 

“You always…”

“You never…”

And so many more “YOU” comments are birthed. 

 

From the very first vocalizations of these comments we no longer have our focused on the entity of “us” or a desire to make the relationship better, but instead we have turned our attention to the blaming of our partner and all that they have done to create pain for us. 

 

Not realizing that we have been triggered by something, 

That we are not in alignment or agreement with what they have shared. 

Most often, this is seen when one partner is sharing a feeling.

The other will feel guilt, irritation, frustration, fear, anger  around the feeling shared and it translates to them that their partner is blaming them for the feeling. 

However, no one is responsible for our feelings. 

No one can make/force you to feel anything. 

Feelings come from within. From the way we are viewing things, how we relate that to our past and the perceptions that we are having about our current or future. 

You see, when our partner shares a feeling with us that we do not agree with, we stop being able to hear them accurately after 10 seconds. That is about three sentences worth of sharing before you drift off into your own inner dialogue about what your partner is attempting to share.

 

And before you know it you are reacting to your story line about what is happening instead of the truth. 

 

It’s sorta like your partner says, “ I feel hungry.” 

And you instantly feel guilty for not having food available, ready or making an offer to them to eat something. So your reaction without the conscious thought about why you are responding the way you are is, “ We just had lunch two hours ago.”

Your tone is of frustration or irritation as to “how could they be hungry again?”

Next thing you know the tone of your comment says to your partner, “He/she does not care that I am hungry and instead is angry with me about being hungry. Maybe I should not be hungry. I don’t want my partner to be upset with me.”

 

If this scenario is repeated multiple times over a relationship it creates a pattern. 

And it plays on the program that the majority of us have from childhood that says that we don’t want to be a nuisance or to ask for our needs if its going to cause issues. 

 

And, so we quickly learn that even in our most intimate loving relationships that we are not safe to reveal our feelings or needs. That there are conditions to being loved by this other individual and that we need to abide by them in order to remain in the relationship. 

 

Now the example above may seem silly to some, because if you feel hungry then you feel hungry. The same as if you feel cold. Who are any of us to argue with someone feeling either of these things. We are not in their bodies. 

Yet, over and over again we argue with our mates about how they feel and try to disarm those feelings by making them less or turning our partners feelings into poisonous darts that we assume are deliberately aiming at our egos.

 

Making neither party feel safe in the relationship.

Both are now questioning how much they can reveal, how much they can trust and in turn often choose to not share as much moving forward. 

 

Creating separation and surface level communication, loving, sharing and intimacy. 

Depth dissipates and the two people become individuals again instead of residing in the entity of “us.”

 

Always on the lookout for the next time their partner says something that reminds them of when… and how it made them feel…

 

If we are to have “safety” in a relationship then we need to respect one anothers feelings, understanding that feelings are just that, feelings and there is no right or wrong way to feel. 

It most certainly is not our place to be judge and jury over our mates feelings about anything. 

What we can do to create a safe container for our love to evolve and grow is to become a better witness of our own mind and heart. To acknowledge that we are far from perfect ourselves and that we get triggered by our mates. If we want to have depth and trust in the relationship, then we need to take responsibility for our own realms and feelings and learn how to better communicate them and when so that we do not add to the fires of war but instead speak what is true. Becoming aware of our egos, our pain bodies and how our past impacts our current perceptions and ideas is vital to harvesting a strong, loving, connected relationship. 

 

However ,the only person on this planet that can do that for you is YOU.

And it will require you to want an empowered relationship with yourself first and then with your partner. It will force you to see your shadow self as well as your radiance and to learn timing, non-violent communication, what your real needs, wants and expectations are in your relationship and an upleveld way of sharing them. 

 

Relationships are not for the timid or weak hearted.

If you are among the many that believe that you can just get in one, set it to auto pilot and all is good, you will find yourself lost and alone pretty quickly. At very least feeling empty. 

Relationship with another human being means that you will have to explore a new you, over and over again. And the same of your mate. 

 

For time together, means transformation of the self and the entity of “us.”

 

Ready?

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

-KW

The body holds memory in its cells. Your organs, joints and muscles all contain emotional memory. Doing the mental/psychological work is vitally important however it does not release you from the bondage of your trauma. This can only be fully accomplished through physical release and restoration. Louise Hay studied this at great length and taught on the emotional connection to disease, ancient Chinese medicine studied the connection of the mind/body/emotional houses as well. Today science is proving that we are woven together and that by attempting to compartmentalize our very being into sections that we do not achieve the healing and transformation that we desire for any length of time because of this separation.

If you are tired of not having the lasting results in your self-growth and healing that you so badly want for and wonder why, look no further. Reach out to me today for your exploratory consult for structural quantum integration work where you will once and for all release the past traumas, restore vitality and health and have a fresh clarity on who you are and what your future can be.

Email me today for your FREE Explorative Consult for this Exclusive Bodywork Series.

What Getting Shot At Taught Me.

 

The bullets whirled past my head and shoulders. 

Horror encompassed every aspect of my being. 

We ran. We ran like there was no tomorrow because we did not know if there was one. 

I can still see the tall wheat grasses, golden in the afternoon sunlight, bending to our thrashing of them with each intensified step. 

I can grasp ahold of my only hope that we would clear the field, clear the firehouse doors and make it to Laura’s house. Laura was the woman I thought of as my grandmother, although she was of no blood relation or family to me. She and her brother Art lived across the field from us in a house that was built a hundred years before. I loved to play barbies in her house breezeway and under the remaining orange grove trees in the spring and summer. Laura would make me iced tea and we would sit in her rusty metal rocking chairs as she told me tales of her youth. Laura was my sanctuary as a child. Her house was a magical mystery from times I only saw in movies and read about and Laura with her long silver hair and dress from something like Little House on the Prairie was a woman who I felt safe with and on this Spring Day in 1980 my mother was hoping to find safety at Lauras as well. 

 

I was four-years old. My parents had been fighting off and on for a few days. My father had a temper, although most of the time he was calm, cool and collected. You never knew exactly what would set him off or when the eruption was going to happen. Life was peaceful and good 95% of the time and as long as everything was according to the order that he wanted it to be. My mother without true understanding pushed his buttons often with her carefree gypsy ways. However, today, today none of this was about any of that. It was about my mother wanting to visit her homeland of Germany and take me with her. It meant that we would be gone for four or five weeks, and I was so very excited about the adventures that lay before us on this journey. My father on the other hand, not so much. He was not good with his daughter leaving the country. 

 

And so, the fight erupted and without notice, the shouting led to fists through walls and breaking glass, doors slamming, and threats being made. I played outside, next to the old water cooler where I had built a shelter. I felt safe, was out of the way, and could still hear everything. But today my mom ran to my little dome habitat and grabbed my hand, told me to drop everything and come. Barbie in hand she pulled me with all her might as we rushed through the yard and into the field toward Laura’s house. Her weeping was loud, and I did not understand what was happening. 

 

Not until I heard the ring of my daddy’s pistol. 

And then I understood. 

 

I understood that he was mad and that something my mom had done had made him so. 

I understood that in order to keep the peace with the man I looked up to, who was my world (because I was daddy’s little girl, he walked on water many days with me), the man who I believed would never hurt me, always keep me safe, loved me, cherished me and that I respected without question… I understood that this peace was shattered. 

So much so that he was willing to shoot at us. 

At me. 

I had witnessed my father’s rage on a few occasions, and I already knew that he was not a man to be reckoned with. His word was the end of the line. He allowed me massive freedom in so many ways but demanded that I earn it. That I prove my worth and that I walk the line he had for me, and he demanded the same in a respect of my mother. 

 

This day in my fourth year of life was a day that bore with it an education around a relationship with a man that I am pretty sure my daddy never wanted me to experience nor have ingrained at the level that it buried itself in my psyche. But that is the path of parenting, we are still humans, and we are wounded humans at that. We allow our ego’s, our fear and pain to overrun us like my dad had done on this day and we act without the foresight of what the repercussions are for those we love. Often these repercussions are years long and sometimes a lifetime. 

 

What my daddy set in motion this day and events prior and after was the lesson of: 

 

PISS A MAN OFF, GET HURT.

Don’t do what you know will keep the peace…

Speak up too much…

Don’t get it right…

Show too much emotion…

Or opinion…

Do anything that is not pleasing to what he wants and there WILL be hell to pay. 

Perhaps even death.

 

I did make friends with the idea of death on this day and a few others that came close in similar events, and that is not a bad thing. I have understood that life is fleeting, and you never know when it’s gift of breath in your lungs will be taken from you, so enjoy the moment while you have it and be the best you that makes you feel good about yourself. Don’t take anything for granted. 

 

Those are the gifts from this traumatic event. 

The hard lessons that I have spent my life retraining myself on however, so that I can release myself from the shackles that I bought into in my youth, the ones that I get triggered daily with in my relationship with my partner, the ones that my clients bring to me and they wonder why I understand so deeply the fear, the need to be approved of, to not rock the apple cart in their relationships, the lessons that have seeped their way out and rebirthed themselves into sabotaging patterns with my friends and children. Those are the nasty boogers that just tear my heart out and demand that I find all the courage that I can muster up to overcome and get out of the comfort of what  my psyche believes is true, and because of this illusion my body has been trained to believe it as well so looks for the feelings that it associates with this “truth” in the day to day relating of life and then reacts from there creating a vicious cycle.

 

But it’s not. 

 

You see, I write this musing today because of a conversation a while back with my partner. I shared the anxiety that I feel so often in our relationship. It’s funny, he does nothing to cause it, but if we have any amount of confrontation, difference of opinion or if I simply perceive that he is pulling away for any reason my inner four-year-old little girl takes off running in fear for her very life. 

Except I can’t blame my mom for upsetting the apple cart, I am the woman in the event rattling the cages and I stand before this man who I believes loves my every cell, has given so much of his life in our short time together to me and has done nothing but prove he will stand in the fire with me. There is no convincing my four-year-old though that she is safe. She has a track record from youth to other relationships to prove that she is not safe.  No matter how drastically different he is or our relationship in comparison to the past …

 

She points to all the childhood moments when her father showed no love or concern but only rage and torment. 

She points to the lies of her high school love and the abandonment she experienced. 

She points to her saga of marriage where every day was about fighting, was about survival, emotional betrayals and sexual expectation’s. Being told she was crazy, being told that she was the problem and then damned for walking away from the marriage. 

She points to the emotional warfare of her narcissistic, stonewalling sexually abusive relationship that followed that ended by her being physically broken and in the hospital. 

She points to the crazy she did not see in her relationships; the way men have always only wanted to control her and called that love. 

 

That four-year old has seen more than any child should ever have too. 

And today she finds herself recognizing her truth. 

She sees the lessons and she knows that they set a tone for a relationship with a man.

They set up an illusion as to what she should expect, should give, and should want in an intimate relationship. Creating weak boundaries. Poor self-worth. And a high level of responsibility for anything that appears to be wrong. A quick retreat. An even quicker need to run, to hide the delicate self.

 

Now, the grown ass woman, she knows this is all BS!!!!

She knows at her core that love does not demand that you see eye to eye or that one caves to the other and gives of themselves that, that deflates the very essence of who one is. The woman knows that love means that you accept the human error of your partner. That you cherish them even when they upset the apple cart. Your cart.

 

She is wise. 

Not blaming her daddy, her mother or anyone she has ever been in relationship with and at the same time not owning it all for herself. Because she can allow herself to feel her pain, her fear, and let her tears fall to the ground where they will grow something beautiful. She can see that we are all victims of victims, wounded children acting from places that we do not recognize and causing us to fear this world. We are all scared. 

 

Scared to lose. 

Fearful of not being enough. 

Or good enough for the one that we love. 

And many of us do not understand that love means letting go, 

While we cling to it with all the hope and enthusiasm as a child on Christmas morning. 

No, we forget that love is fire that can be easily put out through control. 

And that in our desire to control it to keep us and the one we love safe that in turn we make our beloved a slave.

We do not mean to cause harm.

We do not intend on creating trauma. 

Yet we do. 

 

But it always takes two to make lasting damage. 

It takes two who are willing to dance in this sea of the ego. 

 

I have had a life of emotional, physical, sexual abuse. 

I could easily write this with the concept that life is not fair. 

That I am a victim. 

Or stay in the comfort of believing that how I perceive things is accurate for my relationships and that I am not worthy, not enough, too much to handle, too emotional, to ‘broken’ and not loveable. That would have a strange sense of security to it because these are belief structures that I grew up with, that I was shown and taught in significant ways. 

However, that path will never be one that offers me the depth and truth that my soul craves. 

It will only lead me into a deeper concept that love is something that you must sacrifice yourself for and that I am only allowed it “If I do what is required in the way that is demanded.”

It will never offer authentic emotionally mature relating, mature love. 

And I would never achieve healing or happiness. 

I would remain shackled to these false truths and beliefs. 

My reality would not ever be altered. 

And I would simply find no more reason to babble on here. 

Why bother?

 

I share this tale like any of my tales with you because I want to provide you hope.

Hope and lessons, concepts at very least to help you see that you can achieve the life that you want for. You are worthy of it because you have a beating heart and air in your lungs, that is all that is required for your worthiness to have a good life. I want you to know that if a little girl from a nowhere spot in Northern California who grew up with not a whole lot can see that she is worthy and loveable just the way that she is, so can you. 

I want you to be able to take my words and ask yourself, “Why am I accepting these lies as my truths? Why am I accepting so little for my life, for my relationship, my wellbeing? Why am I believing the triggering fear that stems from my body’s reactions to an illusion that it embraces as reality?“ And I want for you to get mad!!! I want you to be frustrated and tired of just letting life go by with some silly concept that you are going to survive it and that your days here mean nothing. 

 

I want you to breathe in the fear of your inner child, 

Comfort that sweet baby, 

And grow the f-ck up. 

Stop letting that kid rule your world with his/her perceptions. 

Look your loved one in the eye and find a drop of faith that they actually love you.

And look yourself in the eye and find a drop of faith that God has a plan for you and that you might just like what is in store. 

 

No matter what your story is, take it from this wounded soul…

You can change that story. 

It’s going to take you wanting to so badly though, that you are willing to sacrifice the comfort of living in what you have been accepting all these years.

But you are worth that sacrifice and life is meant to be a beautiful, fulfilling thing. 

Not just something to exist in. 

 

Loving you from here always. 

Stop Existing & Start Living

-KW

The body holds memory in its cells. Your organs, joints and muscles all contain emotional memory. Doing the mental/psychological work is vitally important however it does not release you from the bondage of your trauma. This can only be fully accomplished through physical release and restoration.  Louise Hay studied this at great length and taught on the emotional connection to disease, ancient Chinese medicine studied the connection of the mind/body/emotional houses as well. Today science is proving that we are woven together and that by attempting to compartmentalize our very being into sections that we do not achieve the healing and transformation that we desire for any length of time because of this separation.

If you are tired of not having the lasting results in your self-growth and healing that you so badly want for and wonder why, look no further.  Reach out to me today for your exploratory consult for structural quantum integration work where you will once and for all release the past traumas, restore vitality and health and have a fresh clarity on who you are and what your future can be.

Email me today.

 

Monica’s Tale of Overcoming Death

Monica was a woman that most would envy. She was physically very beautiful by many people’s definition, she was independent, had done well for herself. She worked hard, seemed to have the respect of her peers and always sported a stunning smile. No matter what was happening in her life, no one would ever know it because Monica was always a radiant light with tons of energy to give and she loved helping others. She was a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend and she seemed to have it all in order. However, as the saying goes, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Monica, as intelligent and radiant as she was, was a woman with a shattered soul, a broken heart and found herself facing her inner demons on a daily basis. Today was no different than any other except today Monica sat on my couch revealing exactly what her inner world haunted her with. There she sat, eyes watering, twisting her hands in nervousness, tapping her foot and catching herself to breathe. She was well practiced in turning inward and locating that place of stillness, she had learned it many years ago as a child and she went there often in her adult life so that she could appear to be the rock that she perceived she needed to be for everyone in her life and world. But today, today that rock was breaking, and she wanted to share her pain. 

 

“Kendal, have you ever pondered your own death?” she started the conversation off with a glance in my direction before looking down at her hands and sighing. 

 

“ The reason I ask is because I do. Frequently. Actually daily. I get lost in the ideas of how freeing it must be to just let go of this world. To let go of all of the pain. To know that you can’t hurt anyone anymore and you cannot be hurt any longer either. Ya know?”

 

She went on with tears forming in her brilliant green eyes, “It’s like every morning I find myself asking, why am I still here? I look around and all that I see is a wreck of a life. I see all that I could have done, could have become, and I am met by this stranger in the mirror shortly thereafter who is empty and lost. This monster who has stolen everything from me. And then I realize that this monster is me. I am scared. I am tired and my body hurts some days more than my heart. I realize that there is no amount of love or attention that can patch these holes or get me to see differently, the very thought of someone even caring seems like a joke to me. I am a smart woman, well-educated and logical. I can see that I am writing this piss poor story and that I am being a victim to life. I get it. However, it seems that every time I focus on living from my heart, from the space of believing that I can make the changes I need to make for me and my family, something comes along not moments later and causes chaos. Knocks me off my horse and just proves that there is little to no reason to even try. That I am not strong enough to make the last change, to prove myself to anyone. Least of all myself that I am worthy of living. Worthy of love. All I see is this wounded, disgusting victim who is best off if not dead just making peace wherever she can and ignoring everything else.”

 

All I could say to Monica is, “Wow! I relate to everything you just shared. Thank you for your truth and vulnerability. It takes a massive amount of courage to not only see all of that inside of the self but to allow yourself to express and feel it. I have been in your shoes a few times over. I have wanted to pull the plug on this thing called life and not believed that I was of any value anymore. I have felt this level of lostness and been prey to the nasty cycle that you describe here of wanting for more, finding a taste of hope and only to have it ripped out from your fingers. Plummeting you down deeper into the well of nothing. You are not alone Monica. Your fear, pain, suffering and all your beautiful emotions are all normal.”

 

The reality is that life is mostly about suffering until we release ourselves from the bondage and chains of our ego. You could say that we have this parasite attached to us. It is a shadow, a ghost in the darkness that we are not frequently aware of, it makes us believe that it is us. That its attitudes, fears, anger, hatred and jealousy are just who we are. It has us believing with ease that its voice screaming at us in our head is our truth and that we should listen to it at all cost. It points out everything that we fear. And it is great at shining a bright spotlight on everything that we do wrong in its eyes. The ego serves a purpose, a purpose to protect us, to give us a space to go to when we do need to go into war and fight for ourselves, however just like the untamed hungry stray dog, it must be chained or kenneled and fed a strict diet. It must learn its place and the rules. No matter how much it barks, wines or growls, we cannot let it become our master, instead we must recognize it for what it is and make it our servant as it was originally designed. 

To protect.

 

The sad reality is that in today’s world we have lost the old teachings of this protector. 

We have cast aside the ideas and use its name light heartedly. 

We disregard its image in our daily life and we allow the illusion of what we have been taught to believe is us to stand firm without question. 

Giving our egos the keys to our kingdom. 

And making us servants.

 

Monica, like so many of us, found herself lost in the shadows of illusion cast by her ego. 

Believing that the pain that she felt was hers to bear without question. She freely shackled herself because she wanted to do what she perceived and was taught was right. She wanted to be a “good person.” 

 

Responsible. 

Caring. 

Compassionate.

Trustworthy.

Honest.

Giving. 

Kind.

 

She valued these things and she held herself accountable to them. 

The pressure this unrealistic perspective of perfection had put on Monica, however, was taking its toll and her body was screaming at her. 

 

The body is an amazing place. 

It speaks only truth to us and keeps records at a cellular level of all of our life. 

It calls out to us, if we will only listen, trying to guide us back home to our truth, our soul and heart and what is in alignment. It whispers and points us in the direction that we need to go, constantly alerting us to the times that we have allowed ourselves to fall into a slumber of ignorance and belief that the ego is us. 

 

The body keeps score. 

 

And Monica’s body had set up a whole boycott rally all for her well-being project that she was not even aware of. 

 

She just assumed that the migraines were caused from allergies, medicines, and lack of sleep. 

She thought that stress was the only contributing factor to her restless nights, her inability to sit still in her own mind. She believed that if she just worked a tad bit harder, did just a little bit more at work, in her marriage or made sure that her children were just a little more cared for that the stress would subside and with it the headaches. 

 

The left side of her body was falling apart, her joints were weakening, her limbs ached no matter the healthy foods she ate, the supplements she took, the yoga she did. Nothing seemed to help. The pain just worsened as the weeks went on. 

 

She found herself in pain during sex. Intercourse hurt from penetration forward and often even foreplay did not feel anything more than stinging. As much as she loved her husband and wanted to be with him, it was hurting her and the last thing she would ever admit to was just this. What sort of wife would she be to take this one pleasure away from him. 

 

Fearful of orgasming, as it had become a normal event that when she did allow herself this pleasure that her head would feel this exploding pressure and pain. She would find herself not wanting to move from the pain and could not open her eyes as the slightest light felt light a knife was being driven into her skull. 

 

Her blood pressure was high despite the fact that she was in good shape and health. 

She suffered from anxiety on a daily basis and her body ached like she imagined a ninety-year old’s must with bad arthritis. 

 

Her hormones were off and even though she was but thirty-seven, she wondered if she might be going through early menopause. 

 

All of this only supported Monica’s trials and fascination with death. 

As she shared more and more layers of her being with me, every now and then she would look up and smile, as to say…” Don’t worry about me, I will be okay. Believe me. See I am smiling.”

 

But that is not how these things go. 

The body will not let go with a simple fake smile of all that it is holding onto. 

Just like no matter how much we forgive and try and forget or move past, the memories of our past are an eternal trigger until we learn what we need from them and truly forgive ourselves for allowing the suffering in our lives. 

 

Monica was here on my couch this very day because she knew that she was at the end of her ability to move on without a supportive hand. Without the resources that could take what she had become so familiar with and make it unfamiliar. She was a highly intelligent woman, and she loved her family fully. Although she sat here contemplating death, I knew that the fact that she was vocalizing this to me was her reaching out and saying, “Show me there is hope.

“Tell me that I am worthy of love. Worthy to keep living, that I am not a burden.:

 

Granted no one can make us believe these things. 

These all come from deep inside our being. 

We have to hunt for these treasures, and we must face the valley of the shadow of evil. 

The valley of the ego. 

The very land that will tell us that there is no reason to continue, and we must laugh in its face and know that we are comforted if we lean heavy into our truth and call out the ego for what it is, a stray wild dog, hungry and thirsty, snapping our ankles because it has nothing else. 

But we can stand tall and drink the water of this life by just seeing our radiance. 

Seeing that our humanness is what makes us so special. 

So great. 

It is by giving ourselves grace and compassion that we let go of the shackles. 

It is by stepping in faith that God does not create unworthy things that we unlock our highest life potential. 

And by just surrendering to the possibility that what we have believed is our truth is actually a fable. Created by the greatest storyteller ever known. 

 

The ego. 

 

Here, here is where we get to witness ourselves. 

And we get to wash ourselves clean. 

 

So many people today are suffering, looking for just a string of hope. Fearful of tomorrow, caught in yesterday. Although we may not all put on makeup to cover these truths up, we still all somehow find a way to hide behind a mask, seen as a smile, seen as a resting b*tch face, seen as aloofness, or perhaps just humor. No matter the mask, you know who you are, and if you look within you may meet the wild dog that you believe is you, that you try and tame through constant feeding it your fears of tomorrow, but I tell you this my sweet friend, you will never overcome this monster until you are willing to see it for the entity that it is, and that it is not you. 

 

And when you choose to do just this…

 

It will not have power over you unless you allow for its lullabies to lure you once again into its fictional tale of your life. 

You have the power. 

You are the master. 

This is the truth. 

 

As Always. 

Stop Existing & Start Living

Kendal Rene’

The body does keep score. Science is constantly revealing the emotional-physical links to disease and other body ailments. We have been taught to ignore our bodies, to disregard these vital life-giving messages and just accept our physical pain and suffering as normal. However, this is not true. You can live a life of vitality, feel years younger and be able to process trauma, stress, anxiety and other conditions with ease and without having to replay the records that anchor in these disease-causing issues.  Explore my Canvas, Core, Integrate 10 Series NOW to experience a truly aligned you. Ready to conquer the next year with passion, stamina and joy.

 

DON’T LET LIFE GASLIGHT YOU FROM YOUR TRUTH.

 

I REMEMBER TAKING THIS PICTURE WITH MY DOG RUDDY… I HAD JUST TURNED 16.

 

The year was 1992.

It was autumn, my favorite season and I was madly in love with a boy. I got my mom to take this picture of me to send a hard copy  (yeah no texting or email back then) it was snail mail… to my boyfriend who was in boot camp.

We wrote to each other daily.

Hating to be apart, however, the game plan was that he served four years and that would get him the college he wanted plus provide us housing, loans and opportunities once I was of legal age.

I had freshly graduated high school myself, and was working at my mothers clothing store in a small Northern California town that I call home, Chico. Under her thumb I listened to her daily fearfully warn me of his ill intentions. Telling me about how he was most likely cheating on me, running around with his buddies and doing who knows what. She warned me that he would abandon me like my father had abandoned us. Her anger for the masculine was obvious and yet I listened, wanting to know her thoughts but not feeling in alignment with them at my core.

I believed differently.

I trusted him.

I loved him.

And we had plans together.

 

My mother, bless her resting soul, I know had the best desires for me, however through the course of time she managed to teach me one very unuseful thing.

 

TO NOT TRUST MY HEART.

 

Her rampage about my boyfriend often ended with her anger and bitterness toward my father. I would and still do recall her many tales to me of how she hated being married, how she felt controlled but that was the bed she had to be in. She proclaimed her status as a victim to life and to the relationship and she shared openly her pains about it with myself from the youngest of ages. I was forever her sounding board. Although her desires for my life were most likely set in love, they did bare with them the idea that I was going to be used without choice by the masculine and to NOT trust men at all cost. Try as I might to ignore her feelings and beliefs and hold firm to my own, they did manage to seep into my psyche and have caused me much pain through my adult years.

 

Because you see, my mothers fears and experiences ended up laying the foundation to me doing what I felt I “had or should” do in life and relationships instead of following my intuition and heart or soul. As a young adult, I had no idea that I was in as much control of the outcomes of my life as I understand now. I believed that I was a victim to what life handed me and that I had to make the most “logical or smart” choices for my survival as I could.

And so, I got married to a man a decade my senior at 18. I had babies. I worked a job. I focused on setting up the house that appeared “normal and expected of me” and I was unhappy to my core.

 

I did not chase the boy who held my heart at that time.

I let him go, believing that he had abandoned me just like my mother predicted.  And because life tends to give us what we expect, he did walk away from me. Or run from the wrath of my mother, but that’s a different tale for another day.

 

My mom was so happy the day I got married.

She was ecstatic the day I gave birth to my eldest child, a daughter.

I recall her tears on both events and her grabbing me with sheer delight.

 

I wanted to make my mom proud.

I wanted to be different from other teenagers and young adults.

I knew I was intelligent and a self-learner.

I knew that I was pretty logical and sound in my reason,

that I was wise beyond my years.

After all, adults much older than I told me so often.

And perhaps I was.

But I wanted to do right.

And with the learning that my mother taught me to NOT TRUST MY HEART, but instead listen to only my mind and always make the smart play, I opened the gateway to listening to others, especially my husband. 

I knew that my heart was unreliable.

It would do nothing but get me into trouble.

 

So when he would tell me that I was thinking, doing or acting a certain way because of……

Or that what I really wanted was….

Or that I would just enjoy this or that if I allowed myself…

Because he knew, I tended to believe him even though it felt off inside my body and heart.

 

Fast forward a few decades, My second long term relationship with a man ended with him telling me that maybe I just did not know how to be happy and did not know what  love really was.

This man too also told me how I felt, why I felt this way and what I was thinking.

 

Both managed to get me to question my own reasoning, my feelings,my emotions, my actions and thoughts and they were strongly supported in their efforts to lead me on the best course of life by my mothers teachings of don’t listen to your heart but instead make the smartest play for your survival.

 

Neither relationship fulfilled me.

Neither relationship felt right.

Neither relationship was based in love,

they were based in mind.

 

And both relationships were guilty of gaslighting.

They both acted not in my best interest or even the best for the family, but instead acted according to the best interest in my partners desires, needs and ego. Whether that be sexually, business, moving houses, friendships, child rearing or what I did with my spare time or how I showed up as a partner.

What they wanted mattered more than what was right for me.

And I spent a ton of my adult years believing that this was the only way.

 

WOW! Was I ever wrong?

One day I discovered something different.

One day a spiritual teacher of mine confronted me on my allowance of such events and why I was choosing to ignore my greatest gift.

 

My GPS system to my soul, to life and to my power.

This teacher then spent a few years helping me transform my debilitating beliefs and showed me that the things that I feared were nothing to fear if I (get this…) listened to my heart and intuition. Through trial and error in learning myself again and coming home to ME, I rediscovered my path.

 

My power as a soul living a human experience and a co-creator of my life.

 

I found true connection with a partner where I feel certain in revealing myself and am not afraid to challenge him when I feel my soul and heart are not being heard.

 

I have discovered that I can show up just as I am and not need to sacrifice anything of myself to have that love based connection, nor feel safe and be able to trust and surrender in the relationship.

 

I have discovered that this coming home to my heart and soul,

the listening to my intuitions which at my core I have always known to be true, will ONLY GUIDE ME TO MY HIGHEST AND BEST LIFE in all areas.

 

And that is powerful  AF!

 

We adults forget ourselves.

We change the way we transmit things in our brains by not using our creative sides, by ignoring what we feel and our curiosity.

We allow ourselves to create a time loop in our life where every day is groundhog day and we are okay with it because it is comfortable and safe, but we are not happy.

 

Today I challenge you to inquire with the self and to ask “Why am I not happy?” Really allow yourself to dig deep into your heart with this. Move past the ideas and conscripts that you have been taught that THIS IS what happiness is and that it is not okay to not be happy with the lot you have allowed yourself.

 

Ask yourself, “If I truly allowed myself to be/do/have anything that I wanted, how would I be choosing to show up in life, love, relationship right now?”

 

You are worthy of a life that makes you happy.

You are worthy of feeling and knowing that you are powerful.

But you have to first challenge the way you have allowed yourself to be gaslighted in life. Don’t accept that your core, your soul, your heart are faulty and that all that matters is the mind, your feelings about things are gifts from something more than what you believe is you.

 

START THERE.

 

And As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Summer is upon us.

I have many local DFW workshops coming up to help you get educated, transform the way you move through life, let go of anxiety, fear and find your power once more. Reach out to me for deet’s and links on these, and for anyone looking to go deep in the work of YOU let’s chat about 1:1 mentoring where I can share what my master teachers shared with me so many years bacak that awakened me to my power and truth. Message me now for summer specials.

I WANT TO NEED HIM – The Tale of Today’s Feminine Surrender.

I WANT TO NEED HIM.

 

This is a statement that a woman made to me as we were speaking about her couple-hood.

 

As I listened to her tale of desire to want to need her man,

that she believed that this is the way that we were designed,

and that so much of our discontent in relationships and life as well as not knowing ourselves comes from this very belief that we women “should not” need men.

That we are just as good and can balance life without a significant other, I thought to myself,

 

SHE IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

 

Women have burdened themselves with the disease of believing that we don’t need men, that it is a sign of weakness. That we are lower than human if we rely on our male counterparts. Or that if we are relying on them that we are selling ourselves for a lifestyle, for safety.

 

And so many women do, do just this.

They settle into relationships not for soul union, not for love, but for comfort and safety. They look at the man’s resume, not his heart.

 

These women are indeed selling themselves.

They are becoming slaves to a lifestyle and a comfort.

They are not acting from soul or love.

 

And to them I could write a million lines,

but today I am addressing the women who are afraid of being perceived this way.

So much so, that they armour themselves from beautiful relationships, they fight to be seen strong at all cost, they feel weak at the thought of receiving help from their man. They do not know how to be supported by the masculine.

 

I am one of these women.

So I share from the depths of my feminine heart on this topic.

I am one of those women that has a ridiculous time receiving from my man.  I have learned through the years to allow him to open doors, to help grab the groceries, to let him help me in house and home. I have gotten over him not cumming every time we make love or him focusing all his attention on my pleasure and not receiving physically in times.

 

I have learned that  his pleasure sometimes is all about my receiving in our sexual union.

 

I  have learned that he loves to witness me in rapture.

That he feels great pleasure and satisfaction in my bliss.

In what he gives to me.

 

But, when it comes to money.

When it comes to bills.

When it comes to buying the groceries.

Medical things.

Needs.

 

Even if it is a trinket that I have my eye on and he asks me, do you want that? He is ready to purchase it for me. He wants to bring me pleasure. He wants to see me adorned. He wants my happiness.

I know this. But I feel like I am taking from him.

That I should not need this.

That it is not okay.

That he will perceive me as a woman who is there for the financial support.

 

And I am scared to lean on him.

I am scared that he will see me as weak.

As needy.

That my heart and love will be missed some how,

that my truth that  I have only eyes and desire for him will be washed over in some way because he has “helped” me.

 

When in truth, it is not even him helping me.

It is a union.

It is a team.

It is US, supporting the whole together.

And it is my pride that stands in the way of the full union.

It is my pride that screams that I should not need him, all the while my soul feels just like the woman above.

 

I WANT TO NEED HIM.

Because I DO!

 

I need his strong masculine guidance.

His leadership.

His logic.

His foresight.

I need his looks of love and adoration.

I need his tenderness.

His humor.

I need his touch.

I need his heart.

I need him to need me.

 

And I do not look at him as though he is weak for wanting me.

Or for needing me.

I know that he needs my feminine heart,

my emotions and touch.

He needs to see my rapture and my tears so he can fully feel who he is at his depth as well.

 

I know that he wants to need me.

 

We both have lived without each other just fine.

We both have been more than capable of living life and supporting our loved ones, building lives, businesses and we could easily choose to continue to do just that.

 

But the union of the masculine and the feminine when done by soul, is a union of desire to be together because together we are stronger.

Together we feel more.

We heal deeper.

We expand fully.

 

It’s not about money or security.

Although together we thrive all the more as well.

 

It’s not about weakness in coming together.

Or comfort.

 

It’s uncomfortable in truth to be vulnerable and wide open with someone. To have no hold backs.

To feel as though there are no barriers,

nothing you do not want seen or felt.

To want to be witnessed at the deepest levels by your mate,

is uncomfortable AF!

 

There is no hiding here.

And we women, hold back from needing our men deeply,

and wanting to need them,

we in turn tell God/Universe that we don’t need them either.

 

It’s hypocritical of us women to say that we are these brilliant life givers, thus manifestors, creators, powerhouses and to know that we are vessels born to receive and then say NO to receiving because we deem it a weakness because it comes from our man.

 

How are we to ever fully become our greatest selves if we consistently deny our receiving, our pleasure, support, love from the great masculine?

 

No wonder we women are lost. 

No wonder so many of us are bitter, non-orgasmic, always choose the wrong man who lets us down. 

We should expect all of this and know that we have set ourselves up for suffering in love, 

To never feel fully loved or cherished because we are not cherishing ourselves. 

It is through our ability to lean into the masculine, to open our hearts and put down our armour with a man that holds us close and wants to need us as well, who gets that he is our king, our knight, our protector and great lover. That through his honor and ability to carry us deeper into ourselves that we find ourselves. 

 

 

It is my belief, and a belief that “just might” be backed by a few spiritual scriptures and structures out there as well, that we are meant to support each other. The equal yoking of the masculine and feminine. 

 

THE DESIRE TO BE ROMANCED LIES DEEP IN THE HEART OF EVERY WOMAN.

IT IS FOR SUCH THAT YOU WERE MADE.

 

I love this quote by John Eldredge.

 

However, for us to  have that desire manifest, we women must open ourselves to God first, 

We must learn to listen to our hearts, our soul, our intuition. We must then open ourselves and lay down the shields and swords of our wounded little girls and let the conscious masculine hold us. 

Love us. 

See us fully. 

We must be open to needing him. 

And we must want to need him. 

 

It is only through our wanting, 

And our understanding that, that wanting is not a weakness but a powerful space of abundance, flow and love, 

That we gain the opportunity to experience true soul union.

 

Our union with our man mirrors our union with the divine, with God.

The trust we show our mate, 

The surrender, 

The rapture, 

The need, 

The wanting.

 

We captivate our men for a reason.

It is because through us he feels life.

 

And we are lifted by his true heart and desire to serve us.

So if you are a woman like myself who struggles with receiving from the masculine, 

If you feel weak or like you will be misperceived in your wanting of his support, his love, his attention, look no further than your heart. 

Ask your truth there. 

And see him as God.

Wanting your rapture in all of life. 

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

WHEN WE ARE WILLING TO HARM OURSELVES FOR LOVE.

WHEN WE ARE WILLING TO HARM OURSELVES FOR LOVE.
 
Or so we tell ourselves that this is what we are doing.
We say that we would do anything for the one that we love.
We say that we just want them to be happy.
We say that we are willing to put aside our needs, boundaries, wants, etc.
and often we do.
 
Then we sit back and let our love kick us in the gut with what they want.
We sit there watching them doing what they want,
what they “need” and what we agreed to but we question how it is possible for them to be alright with doing whatever it is,
TO US.
 
And what are we really wanting from our lover at this moment?
We are wanting them to put us first.
We are wanting to know that they would do the same for us.
Meaning not that they would offer the same experience back,
but that they would actually sacrifice this “thing” for us.
 
That they see us as enough.
That they desire us, just as is without whatever else they may be wanting.
We want them to see our pain and then not want us to be in it at their hand, so prevent it. Protect us.
 
We want to be the MOST IMPORTANT THING.
And yet we are so often quick to set aside ourselves and allow the space for our mates, our lovers to be themselves. To enjoy what they need and want, to get the healing that they need however they need…
and we do it willinging at the cost of our own self-esteem and respect.
 
Sadly once we humans start to allow our respect and esteem to be stripped away in relationships, we lose ourselves and in doing that we lose the intimacy and connection we once had to self and our partner thus we lose the relationship.
 
How can we expect our partner to respect us if we do not respect ourselves enough to set a healthy boundary and know when we are a NO?
 
So instead…
 
Not wanting to control our love.
Not wanting to be conditional.
Not wanting to appear weak or jealous.
We say yes.
 
A death sentence to most relationships.
Pain and bitterness build up with a sweet smile of fake acceptance and a nod of fake approval.
Our emotional bank accounts go in the red with each pain stabbing event that takes place,
and we wonder over time where the love went?
We wonder why it’s never enough giving and accepting?
We wonder when our pain will come to an end?
 
Or if it ever will.
Believing that we are strong enough to withhold,
we attempt to stand strong and support our partner.
 
But an empty beam has no strength to support anything substantial.
 
In the name of love we exhaust ourselves until we break.
 
THIS is the tale of so many love stories gone wrong.
In working with thousands of couples over the last couple decades I have repeatedly been witness to this traumatic saga.
 
There is hope.
There are solutions.
You can repair the shattered hearts and ego’s.
You can reconnect at a deep soul level and recapture trust and respect in your intimate relationship.
 
But it requires a desire to step out of the comfort and lies you are telling yourself that you are doing this for your love.
 
That this is what love is even.
 
Love is not about sacrificing yourself to the point of no return.
Love is not about denying yourself respect in a relationship.
Love is not about embracing constant pain from your mate.
 
A healthy, harmonious love relationship understands that we are in a relationship to heal at a deeper level.
It understands that we both enter a relationship with baggage and that that baggage will get triggered repeatedly by our mate.
It sees this, accepts this but knows that loving communication that is focused on problem solving NOT being right or understood is key to a successful, happy and soul connected relationship.
It knows that saying yes when we are a no of any level, will do more damage than good.
 
It does not play games of take away,
it does not hide from its truth or from confrontation.
It comes to the relationship wanting to connect deeper,
to love deeper and to expand in that love.
 
Relationship is said to be hard,
I believe that relationship is easy.
It’s not difficult getting into one,
It’s not even that difficult to get out of one.
What’s hard is communicating our authentic YES and NO and having faith that it will be accepted by our loved one.
 
What is even more challenging is consciously hearing in love our partners YES and NO.
Relationship is a clarifying tool to our lives,
It helps us to see who we really are, what we really want in life,
Where we have been settling for so little and how much expansion we have still to gain from.
 
True love centered relating comes from putting our ego’s to the side to the best of our abilities and wanting to hear and feel where our partner is at in any given situation. It is sitting in compassion with ourselves and our mate, not in pity, fear, shame, guilt or blame.
 
Realize that in times you fear loss and pain in your relationship that you are stepping away from your heart space, you are no longer hearing yourself or your partner authentically because your ego has run away with your ears and mouth. You are ten steps ahead of what they are trying to share because you are not being present with them or yourself but instead are assuming you already know and are trying to solve the problem alone. You did not arrive here alone! And you will never solve the problem as long as you are acting from the energy of the problem.
 
Look into your heart today and see where you are stepping away from your heart, away from your relationship and love and allowing yourself to act from pain.
 
How is this serving your relationship?
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Ready to claim your life back from suffering, fear, doubt and misfortune? Ready to call in the love relationship you desire. The abundance you crave for and the joy you know can be yours.
 
This Is what I have worked with thousands of people like yourself to have over the last two decades. Reach out to me today.

WE ARE THE ONLY SPECIES THAT WANTS TO GO AGAINST OUR BIOLOGY.

WE ARE THE ONLY SPECIES THAT WANTS TO GO AGAINST OUR BIOLOGY.

 

Well, mostly we women that is.

Guys will claim THIS, but somewhere inside they get it is not so, they know that they claim it to just keep that doorway there,

where we women tend to want to disregard, ignore and act as though we are above our biology.

 

It was not that long ago that I was one of these women myself.

I thought that I could manage it.

I truly believed that I could have the relationship and it just be what I was calling it and that both parties were feeling the same way.

I believed that we were elevated in consciousness to the level that sexual desire did not play a role and that I could seriously “just be friends” with my male friends and that they were down for it just being that and even wanted just that.

 

THEN I came into the awareness that most if not all of my male friends were actually attracted to me and that if given the opportunity would happily walk through the door of a sexual encounter with me.  So I justified the friendship by saying that they respected me and my wishes and that it was manageable.

I came to terms, with if a guy was hanging out in my life as a friend of some nature that he most likely wanted to bed me and I then believed that that was just the way it was and I had to accept it, but could still have the friendships, just needed to be aware.

 

After all, I am one of those women who has never not had a male friendship since I was 2 – years old.

I have had far more “good” friendships with men than with women over the course of my life.

The thought of giving up my male friendships pained me.

Feeling as though I would have no one left in my true friendship circle if I dumped the guys.

 

Then I had a few conversations with my son’s who are grown and almost grown, with some of these male friends, with male clients and even with my man.

 

Their shares can be summed up here,

“Why would I hang out with a female if I was not attracted to her? If I wanted to hang out for all the reasons we guys hang out and do what we guys do, then I would certainly choose to hang out with a guy friend, not a female.”

 

They all came back with, if they were hanging with a female there were desires to be with her intimately.

 

And I started to really allow myself to feel this.

To get right with male/female relating.

I looked at my conversations, my shared moments with the majority of my male friends and saw the intimateness.

Sure there was no sex, there was no kissing or intimate touch, but we certainly did share intimacy. Only the kind of intimacy that you can get from the opposite sex.

 

That vibe.

That feeling.

There was even a flirtiness at times.

 

Beautiful as it is, it is ground that is not stable.

And no matter how respectful and loyal a male friend can be to us women, if given the opportunity to have a door crack open and him get a chance to be with us, he will.

Meaning that if you are a committed woman, in any label of relationship out there (and I have been under a few labels over the course of the last two decades) that if you are pissed, upset, feeling disconnected in any fashion or form with YOUR MAN, and you share confidence with a male friend, know that you are cracking a door open.

 

If you are a single woman and you have guy friends,

and believe that they can maintain without issues,

understand first you are almost being cruel to the men in your life,

because without realizing it you are teasing them.

Yes just by being you.

Just by doing you.

 

If you want to be taken on dates,

experience the male energy,

etc. then perhaps looking at doing just that is the answer.

GO ON A DATE.

 

And realize that often the best romantic and intimate relationships are based in friendship.

The fact that you think of a man as a good friend,

If you have a trust, a vulnerability there, a fun playfulness with your male friend and you are both open to a relationship that is of more than your pseudo friendship, then maybe the universe has already blessed you with a wonderful man to explore in a romantic fashion.

 

If you are good with just “managing” these male relationships and keeping them at bay in some fashion, ask yourself:

 

💃 What am I really gaining from this friendship or looking for with it if I know that he wants me sexually but is just holding back because of what I have stated the boundaries are?

💃 How can this male friendship impact (positively /negatively) an intimate relationship I am in or want to be in?

💃 If I was in an intimate relationship with someone and they were having deep conversations, moments and connections of a vulnerable/intimate yet non-sexual version with another woman frequently what sort of impact would that have on the relationship? Emotionally? Physically?Energetically?

💃 What does significant other or primary relationship mean to me and how does opposite sex relationships outside of this hinder or support?

 

Now, I know what you might be feeling.

You may say, that is such an emotionally immature way of looking at relationships.

You may say that a “conscious man” is above this.

You may say that there is zero harm from being flirty with your male friends, no matter if you are in a romantic relationship or not with someone else.

You may actually believe and point to lifelong friendships that have never let you down and you are certain that they are “just a brother” to you.

 

I have thought all of this.

I have believed all of this.

And repeatedly been blown out of the water from these.

 

We cannot deny our biology.

Men are men.

Women are women.

And we relate differently.

We bond differently.

 

Men love boobs, booty, legs, hair, our eyes and are wanting to  explore us inside and out.

 

They will smile, chat it up, be helpful and drive from a state away to to  show us how much they want to  give us their attention.

They will support us in the worst of times.

They will applaud us in the best of times.

 

And they mean it.

But they still want the woman that stands before them.

They would not be putting their attention on us if they did not desire us in some fashion.

 

This is why so many men fall in the face of a woman’s attention.

Wars have been based, fought and won for the chance to be with a woman.

 

It’s just biology.

 

We women need to get right with it and stop being silly,

thinking that it’s harmless however.

 

Time to level up your relating.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Believing

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Ready to claim your life back from suffering, fear, doubt and misfortune? Ready to call in the love relationship you desire. The abundance you crave for and the joy you know can be yours.

This Is what I have worked with thousands of people like yourself to have over the last two decades. Reach out to me today.

ARE YOU GUILTY OF CHEAP TALK? IT COULD BE WHATS DESTROYING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

TALK IS CHEAP! AND IT’S PERVASIVE AROUND YOU.

 

“I am here for you.”

“Let me know what I can do.”

“I got your back.”

“Yeah, I totally agree.”

“I see what’s been happening, where you are at, what you are saying, etc.”

 

There are so many things that we tell others with little to no meaning behind them.

We speak these statements with good intent often,

but we don’t understand the value of actually following our words up with action. Sometimes the action is just more words of support, or helping one find answers, or just simply holding space for someone who is going through a rocky time in life and needs to have that space. Other times, it means that we need to follow through with supportive action to those words.

 

Recently in my life I have had an onslauth of what you could say shiz going down in my personal life.

 

I find myself standing here not thirty days into a new year amazed at everything that has occured over the last ninety days.

Some mornings I wake and find humor in the events,

realizing that you can’t make this shiz up.

Hollywood would pay a mint for the tales I could tell.

And then other days I realize that it’s just life,

my soul wanting to expand who I am and strengthen my vessel so I can become everything I desire and live that unbound beautiful life I know is mine.

 

And then there are the days that I wake in total frustration.

Anger.

Fear.

Judgement.

Bitterness.

Anxiety.

Exhaustion.

 

And I wonder why me?

Why now?

How much more does God think I can carry?

And WHY do the people in my life not see it? hear it? Why do they just keep wanting more from me in the face of everything else?

 

No matter how I wake,

what I have been blessed to witness is a reality check in my relationships. Revelations on no matter who we are, we are all human at the end of the day and our humanness when overtaken by our ego is extremely superficial and self-centered, even when we attempt to support and give love.

 

We blind ourselves and ignore others’ needs and desires, even though we can see what is happening in their lives and how at the end of a string they may be. How close to crashing they truly are.

 

And we do this NOT because we don’t care or cannot understand,

but because we want what we want for ourselves.

 

So we act as though we did not see.

We claim they did not communicate clearly.

We say they never told us.

We spout back, “Well I tried but you would not connect, answer, etc.”

 

YOU WERE NOT CLEAR ON WHAT YOU NEEDED FROM ME.

 

We push back the blame to the other.

Not wanting to see ourselves and how in these times we disregarded what was right before us with our loved one for the sake of our own self-centered needs and wants.

 

If we were to get real with our words,

and to honor them and have the self-respect and respect of the other parties as well, we would stand behind our word.

 

UNDERSTANDING THAT OUR WORD IS EVERYTHING.

 

This is not just some old school statement that our word makes up our character.

It’s not just a line from Scarface or the Godfather,

John Wayne and Clint Eastwood are not the ones proclaiming the strength of a human is in his words.

No.

But I tell you that our word is all of this.

Our word is OUR CHARACTER CHECK POINT.

Our word is our STRENGTH.

or our weakness.

 

And when we say that, “I got your back.”

 

It should not be a light matter.

These words should come with an understanding that in them we are denying the self for another.

 

That we are willing to sacrifice our short term desires, needs or wants to fully support someone else and to stay aware of what is happening with them and in their lives.

 

Unfortunately, the majority of the time this is not what will occur.

The reverse is actually true.

We will state that we are supportive,

and then we will take the opportunity to bulldoze over our loved one to get our needs met instead, all the while pretending to be blind to it all. Pretending that if they had just spoken up, made it more clear, done their part that the boundaries would not have ever been crossed.

 

OUR WORDS ARE OUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Meaning that with them we take responsibility for who we are and our actions and reactions.

 

Responsibility to being consciously aware of situations, people and what is truly needed despite our self-centered desires to get our own needs and wants met.

 

THIS IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND SUPPORT.

Anything else is empty.

 

Making our words,

our actions,

and us as a human weak and untrustworthy.

 

What do your words say about your character in a relationship?

In life?

 

Want to have deep, committed, trusting and loving relationships in all areas of your life?

 

Then it’s time to stand behind your words,

and realize they are your strength or your weakness.

Your words are your bond.

Without them you have nothing.

 

 

As Always.

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Want to learn the secrets of a dynamic powerhouse relationship?

Overcome the drama circles and superficial ego based relating game that you are so used to? Reach out to me today for 1:1 opportunities in mentorship now. Limited space.

 

COVETING IS A SLIPPERY SLOP- ONE SO MANY ARE BLIND TOO. ARE YOU?

COVETING IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE – ONE SO MANY ARE BLIND TOO.
When does it become acceptable for an individual whom may be a supposed friend, association or other to try to weasel thier way into a couples relationship to cause disconnection, disruption, or disharmony? All the while thier intent being to create an opportunity to be with one of the individuals.
This disrespect of the couple hood and the individuals can take the form of:
–> Sexual offers
–>Inappropriate suggestions, offers or touch
–>Under the guise of a shoulder to cry on –>Support that was not asked for
–>Disparaging comments about one of the individuals
–>Statements of desire or “love”
–> Consistency and persistence in advances
All with the intent to undermine the relationship.
Some of this overt.
Some covert.
Making them the most dangerous.
Acting as a wolf in sheeps clothing in hopes to lure the partner that holds ones attention slowly and discreetly over the course of time into one’s arms.
Believing that the coveted relationship can provide the same dynamics and connection even when one of the partners is no longer in play.
COVETING IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE.
The reality is that we humans covet many things.
Relationship is highly sought after.
It is our human desire and need to be connected to another. The bonding that we experience in intimate relationship is elevating and fulfilling unlike anything else. So when we see another experiencing the depth, connection and love that we may not be experiencing ourselves it leaves us hungry and aware of what is lacking in our own lives.
This is the birth place of envy and jealousy.
It is also how such disruptive and unsought for attention and advances come from.
You may not be able to control your feelings or desires for someone, however you most certainly can and IF YOU ACTUALLY LOVE or even mildly give a shit for this person, then can respect them and control your feelings and desires.
Not being able to administer the needed control around taking action or expressing the feelings reveals an even deeper issue at hand.
That being one of little self-respect or honor to soul.
Instead of elevating self,
You find yourself trying to destroy the beauty in anothers life. When you could be asking yourself how you too could develop and call a relationship that others are envious of into your own life picture.
Becoming consciously aware of those seemingly “little” or “harmless” statements and actions that one may be guilty of serves not only in the best interest of the coveted couplehood but also for the individual whom is coveting, as the awareness and taking responsibility of said actions develops ones character and thus elevates thier vibration increasing thier potential to call in the ideal relationship for thier soul experience.
So I ask you today dear reader,
First are these tactics ever okay? And secondly,
does anothers relationship, connection, or love bring you fear, jealousy or envy? Where might you consciously or subconsciously be guilty of these detrimental self-centered actions and desires and not be realizing your truth?
Level Up Your Love Life Today.
By elevating who you are and knowing your truth.
Loving You From Here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers “
Want to manifest a relationship that makes other envious? Call in your soulmate and live elevated in love? Reach out for information on my LIMITED 1:1 and group coaching opportunities for 2021 now.
Make 2021 your Soulmate Year!

IT COULD HAVE BEEN EASIER.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER.
“It would have been easier if he did not behave like a psycho.
Would have been easier if he did not destroy things.
Would have been easier if he was not wasn’t actively causing discontent with family.
Would have been easier if he was not stalking and making sure he lived down the street.
Would have been easier if he had not slandered and bad mouthed, made up lies to destroy relationships and cause issues in other areas of life and work.
Would have been easier if he had not been a self-centered asshole who demonstrated that he only cares about himself at ALL cost.
Yeah it certainly could have been easier.
Could have been easier if he respected initial communications and requests for space.
Could have been easier if he had not spread lies to family.
Could have been easier if you didn’t know that the only reason he did not destroy the family home and belongings was because of outside intervention.
Could have been easier if he was not a MF narcissist.
Could have been easier if he was not sneaking around in the dark like a rat causing trouble and destroying other people property.
Could have been easier if he had not gone to those in traumatic situations and expect his issues to outweigh theirs and make a scene.
Could have been easier yes…
But not for the reasons that he thinks and wants everyone to believe.
Could have been easier if he took some responsibility for his actions.
And not spin it to look like it’s others who are making it not easy on him.
Could have been easier if he did’nt demonstrate his emotional imbalance and once again self-centeredness by crying wolf and telling how he just wants to commit suicide.
Yeah could have been easier.
Could have been easier if he did not continue to stalk and drive by, message and demand.
Could have been easier if he had just been honest throughout the relationship with himself and others.
Could have been easier if he had not expected his mind and heart to be read and refused authentic communication.
Could have been easier if he had listened in the communication being shared for years.
Could have been easier if he had accepted that you can not force your will on others and get their core to change or their heart.
Could have been easier if he respected boundaries and did not get so caught up in his ego to be blind.
The fact is it’s not easier by his own doing.
And the fact that he knows that he is a shell without the connection,
that he is lost in who he is.
Is revealing his true issue.”
I share this above from my heart and soul to all those out there who have had relationships that were broken and shattered.
That ended unexpectedly, and had their ex partner exhibit such control, fear, “craziness” toward them.
Or perhaps the reverse might be true.
Perhaps you were that ex-partner/lover/mate who went crazy at the loss of the one that you were in relationship with.
Perhaps you lost yourself in your pain,
in your lack of sight of how out of alignment the relationship truly was and how it was no longer serving either of you.
I offer my above tale to wake you up today.
To wake you up to the reality that in our loss we often cannot see our truth,
we cannot recognize what love is,
We often believe that we must make our pain known by forcing the other to feel pain as well.
And we do it all in the name of LOVE.
There are two realities in this tale that I share that I hope that you can gain for current and future happiness in relationship.
1. None of the above is based in love. Not love of the other nor of the self. The concept that we need to make another feel pain, know what they have done, that we need to be understood, heard or seen are not based in love but in need and ego. The hunger to do ill things to the one that we proclaimed to love so deeply until we part is not of soul and heart, it has nothing to do with love and not even with our pain of the loss, but instead it has everything to do with our desire and need to control a situation and others because we feel out of control in our lives and in our emotions. We are lost in self. We are not strong at our core or in whom we are and therefore we act out toward others attempting to scare and manipulate them to surrender to what we want of them.
Again, this has nothing to do with love of self or other and certainly does not respect the relationship, the memories, the lessons or either soul.
But instead shows the discontentment and lack of alignment as well as emotional maturity of the one acting out.
There is no proactivity in such actions, only reactivity and a believing that one is a victim to life and others.
2. It could have been easier is what we believe in situations like this.
We say this to life, to people and wonder why we have to be in such pain and suffering.
Why life is so rough and why we just seem to be destined to struggle.
The reality is that it is only difficult and painful because we make it such.
It is our resistance to our core,
to living by our heart and leaning into love and soul that creates the struggle.
The truth of this is evident in ALL subject areas of life, not just relationship and love.
We are in the power position.
We are not victims to circumstance or to others even.
We get to choose at any given moment how we perceive what is happening, what our role is in the event and how we are going to handle it best.
We get to decide moment by moment if we are going to create beauty or pain.
We get to choose if we are going to act from a place of certainty, love and truth or from fear, ego and a need to control and dominate a situation or person, an outcome.
OUR CHOICE DEFINES OUR REALITY.
These are the lessons of relationship break up and how we choose to move through it.
There are many more lessons,
Some are personal to the individual, some to the couple and others are spiritual awakenings that we all must evolve through.
How do you handle break up?
What is your goal in communication with your partner of current or of past?
Is it to be understood?
To feel as though they care or love you?
To know that your pain is felt or that they feel the same?
How do these questions serve you truly?
How are they defining who you are and helping you to become your best person?
And most importantly do these questions with their desired answers come from love and an unconditional elevated space or do they reside and come from your fear and need, your desire to control a situation and an outcome?
One will bring you happiness and growth,
the other suffering and resistance to truth,
YOUR TRUTH.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Make 2021 a year of love and beauty.
Heal your relationship,
heal your heart and move mountains so you can have that soulmate relationship of your dreams.
Reach out to me for deet’s on how to do this today.
 
PhotoCredit to DandelionImages