What Getting Shot At Taught Me.

 

The bullets whirled past my head and shoulders. 

Horror encompassed every aspect of my being. 

We ran. We ran like there was no tomorrow because we did not know if there was one. 

I can still see the tall wheat grasses, golden in the afternoon sunlight, bending to our thrashing of them with each intensified step. 

I can grasp ahold of my only hope that we would clear the field, clear the firehouse doors and make it to Laura’s house. Laura was the woman I thought of as my grandmother, although she was of no blood relation or family to me. She and her brother Art lived across the field from us in a house that was built a hundred years before. I loved to play barbies in her house breezeway and under the remaining orange grove trees in the spring and summer. Laura would make me iced tea and we would sit in her rusty metal rocking chairs as she told me tales of her youth. Laura was my sanctuary as a child. Her house was a magical mystery from times I only saw in movies and read about and Laura with her long silver hair and dress from something like Little House on the Prairie was a woman who I felt safe with and on this Spring Day in 1980 my mother was hoping to find safety at Lauras as well. 

 

I was four-years old. My parents had been fighting off and on for a few days. My father had a temper, although most of the time he was calm, cool and collected. You never knew exactly what would set him off or when the eruption was going to happen. Life was peaceful and good 95% of the time and as long as everything was according to the order that he wanted it to be. My mother without true understanding pushed his buttons often with her carefree gypsy ways. However, today, today none of this was about any of that. It was about my mother wanting to visit her homeland of Germany and take me with her. It meant that we would be gone for four or five weeks, and I was so very excited about the adventures that lay before us on this journey. My father on the other hand, not so much. He was not good with his daughter leaving the country. 

 

And so, the fight erupted and without notice, the shouting led to fists through walls and breaking glass, doors slamming, and threats being made. I played outside, next to the old water cooler where I had built a shelter. I felt safe, was out of the way, and could still hear everything. But today my mom ran to my little dome habitat and grabbed my hand, told me to drop everything and come. Barbie in hand she pulled me with all her might as we rushed through the yard and into the field toward Laura’s house. Her weeping was loud, and I did not understand what was happening. 

 

Not until I heard the ring of my daddy’s pistol. 

And then I understood. 

 

I understood that he was mad and that something my mom had done had made him so. 

I understood that in order to keep the peace with the man I looked up to, who was my world (because I was daddy’s little girl, he walked on water many days with me), the man who I believed would never hurt me, always keep me safe, loved me, cherished me and that I respected without question… I understood that this peace was shattered. 

So much so that he was willing to shoot at us. 

At me. 

I had witnessed my father’s rage on a few occasions, and I already knew that he was not a man to be reckoned with. His word was the end of the line. He allowed me massive freedom in so many ways but demanded that I earn it. That I prove my worth and that I walk the line he had for me, and he demanded the same in a respect of my mother. 

 

This day in my fourth year of life was a day that bore with it an education around a relationship with a man that I am pretty sure my daddy never wanted me to experience nor have ingrained at the level that it buried itself in my psyche. But that is the path of parenting, we are still humans, and we are wounded humans at that. We allow our ego’s, our fear and pain to overrun us like my dad had done on this day and we act without the foresight of what the repercussions are for those we love. Often these repercussions are years long and sometimes a lifetime. 

 

What my daddy set in motion this day and events prior and after was the lesson of: 

 

PISS A MAN OFF, GET HURT.

Don’t do what you know will keep the peace…

Speak up too much…

Don’t get it right…

Show too much emotion…

Or opinion…

Do anything that is not pleasing to what he wants and there WILL be hell to pay. 

Perhaps even death.

 

I did make friends with the idea of death on this day and a few others that came close in similar events, and that is not a bad thing. I have understood that life is fleeting, and you never know when it’s gift of breath in your lungs will be taken from you, so enjoy the moment while you have it and be the best you that makes you feel good about yourself. Don’t take anything for granted. 

 

Those are the gifts from this traumatic event. 

The hard lessons that I have spent my life retraining myself on however, so that I can release myself from the shackles that I bought into in my youth, the ones that I get triggered daily with in my relationship with my partner, the ones that my clients bring to me and they wonder why I understand so deeply the fear, the need to be approved of, to not rock the apple cart in their relationships, the lessons that have seeped their way out and rebirthed themselves into sabotaging patterns with my friends and children. Those are the nasty boogers that just tear my heart out and demand that I find all the courage that I can muster up to overcome and get out of the comfort of what  my psyche believes is true, and because of this illusion my body has been trained to believe it as well so looks for the feelings that it associates with this “truth” in the day to day relating of life and then reacts from there creating a vicious cycle.

 

But it’s not. 

 

You see, I write this musing today because of a conversation a while back with my partner. I shared the anxiety that I feel so often in our relationship. It’s funny, he does nothing to cause it, but if we have any amount of confrontation, difference of opinion or if I simply perceive that he is pulling away for any reason my inner four-year-old little girl takes off running in fear for her very life. 

Except I can’t blame my mom for upsetting the apple cart, I am the woman in the event rattling the cages and I stand before this man who I believes loves my every cell, has given so much of his life in our short time together to me and has done nothing but prove he will stand in the fire with me. There is no convincing my four-year-old though that she is safe. She has a track record from youth to other relationships to prove that she is not safe.  No matter how drastically different he is or our relationship in comparison to the past …

 

She points to all the childhood moments when her father showed no love or concern but only rage and torment. 

She points to the lies of her high school love and the abandonment she experienced. 

She points to her saga of marriage where every day was about fighting, was about survival, emotional betrayals and sexual expectation’s. Being told she was crazy, being told that she was the problem and then damned for walking away from the marriage. 

She points to the emotional warfare of her narcissistic, stonewalling sexually abusive relationship that followed that ended by her being physically broken and in the hospital. 

She points to the crazy she did not see in her relationships; the way men have always only wanted to control her and called that love. 

 

That four-year old has seen more than any child should ever have too. 

And today she finds herself recognizing her truth. 

She sees the lessons and she knows that they set a tone for a relationship with a man.

They set up an illusion as to what she should expect, should give, and should want in an intimate relationship. Creating weak boundaries. Poor self-worth. And a high level of responsibility for anything that appears to be wrong. A quick retreat. An even quicker need to run, to hide the delicate self.

 

Now, the grown ass woman, she knows this is all BS!!!!

She knows at her core that love does not demand that you see eye to eye or that one caves to the other and gives of themselves that, that deflates the very essence of who one is. The woman knows that love means that you accept the human error of your partner. That you cherish them even when they upset the apple cart. Your cart.

 

She is wise. 

Not blaming her daddy, her mother or anyone she has ever been in relationship with and at the same time not owning it all for herself. Because she can allow herself to feel her pain, her fear, and let her tears fall to the ground where they will grow something beautiful. She can see that we are all victims of victims, wounded children acting from places that we do not recognize and causing us to fear this world. We are all scared. 

 

Scared to lose. 

Fearful of not being enough. 

Or good enough for the one that we love. 

And many of us do not understand that love means letting go, 

While we cling to it with all the hope and enthusiasm as a child on Christmas morning. 

No, we forget that love is fire that can be easily put out through control. 

And that in our desire to control it to keep us and the one we love safe that in turn we make our beloved a slave.

We do not mean to cause harm.

We do not intend on creating trauma. 

Yet we do. 

 

But it always takes two to make lasting damage. 

It takes two who are willing to dance in this sea of the ego. 

 

I have had a life of emotional, physical, sexual abuse. 

I could easily write this with the concept that life is not fair. 

That I am a victim. 

Or stay in the comfort of believing that how I perceive things is accurate for my relationships and that I am not worthy, not enough, too much to handle, too emotional, to ‘broken’ and not loveable. That would have a strange sense of security to it because these are belief structures that I grew up with, that I was shown and taught in significant ways. 

However, that path will never be one that offers me the depth and truth that my soul craves. 

It will only lead me into a deeper concept that love is something that you must sacrifice yourself for and that I am only allowed it “If I do what is required in the way that is demanded.”

It will never offer authentic emotionally mature relating, mature love. 

And I would never achieve healing or happiness. 

I would remain shackled to these false truths and beliefs. 

My reality would not ever be altered. 

And I would simply find no more reason to babble on here. 

Why bother?

 

I share this tale like any of my tales with you because I want to provide you hope.

Hope and lessons, concepts at very least to help you see that you can achieve the life that you want for. You are worthy of it because you have a beating heart and air in your lungs, that is all that is required for your worthiness to have a good life. I want you to know that if a little girl from a nowhere spot in Northern California who grew up with not a whole lot can see that she is worthy and loveable just the way that she is, so can you. 

I want you to be able to take my words and ask yourself, “Why am I accepting these lies as my truths? Why am I accepting so little for my life, for my relationship, my wellbeing? Why am I believing the triggering fear that stems from my body’s reactions to an illusion that it embraces as reality?“ And I want for you to get mad!!! I want you to be frustrated and tired of just letting life go by with some silly concept that you are going to survive it and that your days here mean nothing. 

 

I want you to breathe in the fear of your inner child, 

Comfort that sweet baby, 

And grow the f-ck up. 

Stop letting that kid rule your world with his/her perceptions. 

Look your loved one in the eye and find a drop of faith that they actually love you.

And look yourself in the eye and find a drop of faith that God has a plan for you and that you might just like what is in store. 

 

No matter what your story is, take it from this wounded soul…

You can change that story. 

It’s going to take you wanting to so badly though, that you are willing to sacrifice the comfort of living in what you have been accepting all these years.

But you are worth that sacrifice and life is meant to be a beautiful, fulfilling thing. 

Not just something to exist in. 

 

Loving you from here always. 

Stop Existing & Start Living

-KW

The body holds memory in its cells. Your organs, joints and muscles all contain emotional memory. Doing the mental/psychological work is vitally important however it does not release you from the bondage of your trauma. This can only be fully accomplished through physical release and restoration.  Louise Hay studied this at great length and taught on the emotional connection to disease, ancient Chinese medicine studied the connection of the mind/body/emotional houses as well. Today science is proving that we are woven together and that by attempting to compartmentalize our very being into sections that we do not achieve the healing and transformation that we desire for any length of time because of this separation.

If you are tired of not having the lasting results in your self-growth and healing that you so badly want for and wonder why, look no further.  Reach out to me today for your exploratory consult for structural quantum integration work where you will once and for all release the past traumas, restore vitality and health and have a fresh clarity on who you are and what your future can be.

Email me today.

 

Monica’s Tale of Overcoming Death

Monica was a woman that most would envy. She was physically very beautiful by many people’s definition, she was independent, had done well for herself. She worked hard, seemed to have the respect of her peers and always sported a stunning smile. No matter what was happening in her life, no one would ever know it because Monica was always a radiant light with tons of energy to give and she loved helping others. She was a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend and she seemed to have it all in order. However, as the saying goes, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Monica, as intelligent and radiant as she was, was a woman with a shattered soul, a broken heart and found herself facing her inner demons on a daily basis. Today was no different than any other except today Monica sat on my couch revealing exactly what her inner world haunted her with. There she sat, eyes watering, twisting her hands in nervousness, tapping her foot and catching herself to breathe. She was well practiced in turning inward and locating that place of stillness, she had learned it many years ago as a child and she went there often in her adult life so that she could appear to be the rock that she perceived she needed to be for everyone in her life and world. But today, today that rock was breaking, and she wanted to share her pain. 

 

“Kendal, have you ever pondered your own death?” she started the conversation off with a glance in my direction before looking down at her hands and sighing. 

 

“ The reason I ask is because I do. Frequently. Actually daily. I get lost in the ideas of how freeing it must be to just let go of this world. To let go of all of the pain. To know that you can’t hurt anyone anymore and you cannot be hurt any longer either. Ya know?”

 

She went on with tears forming in her brilliant green eyes, “It’s like every morning I find myself asking, why am I still here? I look around and all that I see is a wreck of a life. I see all that I could have done, could have become, and I am met by this stranger in the mirror shortly thereafter who is empty and lost. This monster who has stolen everything from me. And then I realize that this monster is me. I am scared. I am tired and my body hurts some days more than my heart. I realize that there is no amount of love or attention that can patch these holes or get me to see differently, the very thought of someone even caring seems like a joke to me. I am a smart woman, well-educated and logical. I can see that I am writing this piss poor story and that I am being a victim to life. I get it. However, it seems that every time I focus on living from my heart, from the space of believing that I can make the changes I need to make for me and my family, something comes along not moments later and causes chaos. Knocks me off my horse and just proves that there is little to no reason to even try. That I am not strong enough to make the last change, to prove myself to anyone. Least of all myself that I am worthy of living. Worthy of love. All I see is this wounded, disgusting victim who is best off if not dead just making peace wherever she can and ignoring everything else.”

 

All I could say to Monica is, “Wow! I relate to everything you just shared. Thank you for your truth and vulnerability. It takes a massive amount of courage to not only see all of that inside of the self but to allow yourself to express and feel it. I have been in your shoes a few times over. I have wanted to pull the plug on this thing called life and not believed that I was of any value anymore. I have felt this level of lostness and been prey to the nasty cycle that you describe here of wanting for more, finding a taste of hope and only to have it ripped out from your fingers. Plummeting you down deeper into the well of nothing. You are not alone Monica. Your fear, pain, suffering and all your beautiful emotions are all normal.”

 

The reality is that life is mostly about suffering until we release ourselves from the bondage and chains of our ego. You could say that we have this parasite attached to us. It is a shadow, a ghost in the darkness that we are not frequently aware of, it makes us believe that it is us. That its attitudes, fears, anger, hatred and jealousy are just who we are. It has us believing with ease that its voice screaming at us in our head is our truth and that we should listen to it at all cost. It points out everything that we fear. And it is great at shining a bright spotlight on everything that we do wrong in its eyes. The ego serves a purpose, a purpose to protect us, to give us a space to go to when we do need to go into war and fight for ourselves, however just like the untamed hungry stray dog, it must be chained or kenneled and fed a strict diet. It must learn its place and the rules. No matter how much it barks, wines or growls, we cannot let it become our master, instead we must recognize it for what it is and make it our servant as it was originally designed. 

To protect.

 

The sad reality is that in today’s world we have lost the old teachings of this protector. 

We have cast aside the ideas and use its name light heartedly. 

We disregard its image in our daily life and we allow the illusion of what we have been taught to believe is us to stand firm without question. 

Giving our egos the keys to our kingdom. 

And making us servants.

 

Monica, like so many of us, found herself lost in the shadows of illusion cast by her ego. 

Believing that the pain that she felt was hers to bear without question. She freely shackled herself because she wanted to do what she perceived and was taught was right. She wanted to be a “good person.” 

 

Responsible. 

Caring. 

Compassionate.

Trustworthy.

Honest.

Giving. 

Kind.

 

She valued these things and she held herself accountable to them. 

The pressure this unrealistic perspective of perfection had put on Monica, however, was taking its toll and her body was screaming at her. 

 

The body is an amazing place. 

It speaks only truth to us and keeps records at a cellular level of all of our life. 

It calls out to us, if we will only listen, trying to guide us back home to our truth, our soul and heart and what is in alignment. It whispers and points us in the direction that we need to go, constantly alerting us to the times that we have allowed ourselves to fall into a slumber of ignorance and belief that the ego is us. 

 

The body keeps score. 

 

And Monica’s body had set up a whole boycott rally all for her well-being project that she was not even aware of. 

 

She just assumed that the migraines were caused from allergies, medicines, and lack of sleep. 

She thought that stress was the only contributing factor to her restless nights, her inability to sit still in her own mind. She believed that if she just worked a tad bit harder, did just a little bit more at work, in her marriage or made sure that her children were just a little more cared for that the stress would subside and with it the headaches. 

 

The left side of her body was falling apart, her joints were weakening, her limbs ached no matter the healthy foods she ate, the supplements she took, the yoga she did. Nothing seemed to help. The pain just worsened as the weeks went on. 

 

She found herself in pain during sex. Intercourse hurt from penetration forward and often even foreplay did not feel anything more than stinging. As much as she loved her husband and wanted to be with him, it was hurting her and the last thing she would ever admit to was just this. What sort of wife would she be to take this one pleasure away from him. 

 

Fearful of orgasming, as it had become a normal event that when she did allow herself this pleasure that her head would feel this exploding pressure and pain. She would find herself not wanting to move from the pain and could not open her eyes as the slightest light felt light a knife was being driven into her skull. 

 

Her blood pressure was high despite the fact that she was in good shape and health. 

She suffered from anxiety on a daily basis and her body ached like she imagined a ninety-year old’s must with bad arthritis. 

 

Her hormones were off and even though she was but thirty-seven, she wondered if she might be going through early menopause. 

 

All of this only supported Monica’s trials and fascination with death. 

As she shared more and more layers of her being with me, every now and then she would look up and smile, as to say…” Don’t worry about me, I will be okay. Believe me. See I am smiling.”

 

But that is not how these things go. 

The body will not let go with a simple fake smile of all that it is holding onto. 

Just like no matter how much we forgive and try and forget or move past, the memories of our past are an eternal trigger until we learn what we need from them and truly forgive ourselves for allowing the suffering in our lives. 

 

Monica was here on my couch this very day because she knew that she was at the end of her ability to move on without a supportive hand. Without the resources that could take what she had become so familiar with and make it unfamiliar. She was a highly intelligent woman, and she loved her family fully. Although she sat here contemplating death, I knew that the fact that she was vocalizing this to me was her reaching out and saying, “Show me there is hope.

“Tell me that I am worthy of love. Worthy to keep living, that I am not a burden.:

 

Granted no one can make us believe these things. 

These all come from deep inside our being. 

We have to hunt for these treasures, and we must face the valley of the shadow of evil. 

The valley of the ego. 

The very land that will tell us that there is no reason to continue, and we must laugh in its face and know that we are comforted if we lean heavy into our truth and call out the ego for what it is, a stray wild dog, hungry and thirsty, snapping our ankles because it has nothing else. 

But we can stand tall and drink the water of this life by just seeing our radiance. 

Seeing that our humanness is what makes us so special. 

So great. 

It is by giving ourselves grace and compassion that we let go of the shackles. 

It is by stepping in faith that God does not create unworthy things that we unlock our highest life potential. 

And by just surrendering to the possibility that what we have believed is our truth is actually a fable. Created by the greatest storyteller ever known. 

 

The ego. 

 

Here, here is where we get to witness ourselves. 

And we get to wash ourselves clean. 

 

So many people today are suffering, looking for just a string of hope. Fearful of tomorrow, caught in yesterday. Although we may not all put on makeup to cover these truths up, we still all somehow find a way to hide behind a mask, seen as a smile, seen as a resting b*tch face, seen as aloofness, or perhaps just humor. No matter the mask, you know who you are, and if you look within you may meet the wild dog that you believe is you, that you try and tame through constant feeding it your fears of tomorrow, but I tell you this my sweet friend, you will never overcome this monster until you are willing to see it for the entity that it is, and that it is not you. 

 

And when you choose to do just this…

 

It will not have power over you unless you allow for its lullabies to lure you once again into its fictional tale of your life. 

You have the power. 

You are the master. 

This is the truth. 

 

As Always. 

Stop Existing & Start Living

Kendal Rene’

The body does keep score. Science is constantly revealing the emotional-physical links to disease and other body ailments. We have been taught to ignore our bodies, to disregard these vital life-giving messages and just accept our physical pain and suffering as normal. However, this is not true. You can live a life of vitality, feel years younger and be able to process trauma, stress, anxiety and other conditions with ease and without having to replay the records that anchor in these disease-causing issues.  Explore my Canvas, Core, Integrate 10 Series NOW to experience a truly aligned you. Ready to conquer the next year with passion, stamina and joy.

 

Why Women Give Themselves Up In Relationship.

“ Why did you come home a different path than what you normally do?” Stew asked Rachel before she could even get her car door closed. 

 

“ You are over 15 minutes late and how many times have I told you that I don’t like that? Hmmm…You are so stupid. I can’t trust you with anything. I hope you had fun on your little adventure on the way home.”

 

Rachel could feel her heart racing. 

The tension in her chest, the nausea rising. 

Your stomach was upside down and in knots. 

She felt worthless, stupid, and as if she always messing everything up. 

It could have been a nice evening at home. 

They could have just enjoyed dinner, a glass of wine and chilled watching their favorite show, but no, she messed it up yet again. Stew always made her aware of her screw ups and how disappointed he was in her. He was good at making sure that she held the blame for the “bullsh*t” as he called it, and made sure that she was aware of how little trust he had in her and that she was nothing but a stupid child who needed constant reprimand. 

 

“F-ck You!” Robert yelled at Sally as he slammed the door shut. 

“You are my wife. You should not disrespect me like that.”

 

Sally breathed deeply, trying to keep her composure as she finished getting ready for bed. 

She knew that if she took too long that things would get worse for her. She also knew that if she raced out after him that he would only yell something else and potentially get physical. So she breathed, let a few tears fall, looked herself in the mirror and told herself, ‘Everything is going to be okay, we are going to make it through this.” Then walked calmly as she could with her knees trembling out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where Robert had planted himself on the far edge of the bed, eye’s closed and obviously disgusted and ready to attack. Sally sat down on the bed next to him and said, “Honey, let’s talk about this. I just wanted to know what you wanted with the video, it made me feel uncomfortable.” Robert sprung up off the bed in a rage, yelling…

 

“You are my f-cking wife, you don’t need to know what I want with anything. I can do whatever I want with pictures and videos of you.”

 

Sally sat still as can be, looking down at the bed. 

She knew that she could not say anything else. 

Or be accused of not loving him, not caring, disrespecting and so much more. 

 

Tyson leaned in grabbed Steph’s long hair and pulled her back so that he could whisper in her ear. They were in the thrawls of sex and it was getting really heated. He pulled her head back, wrapped his hand around her hips and said, “You are so f-cking hot. You are so wet. I want to see another woman going down on you. I want to see her enjoying you.” Steph felt a moment of panic in her body, tightness crossed over her breasts. Her heart began to ach. She did not want to wreck his fantasy but she was the furthest thing from aroused at this idea. Tyson loved to “talk dirty” and he loved to paint images of wild and risky events in her ears during sex. Steph hated it all. She just wanted to be with him. Every time Tyson spoke of other men, women, threesomes and moresomes, gang bangs, and risky locations she found herself in a state of fear. She could no longer feel pleasure or be present there in the moment with him. And she did not want to burden her husband with her silliness as he called it when she tried to share that she was not into these things. He always would  paint the tale and then tell her that he could tell how turned on she was from it, that she wanted it. If she said anything different then he would get angry, stonewall her for days and only tell her that she was so closed down and disconnected from herself that she could not even tell when she was aroused. But he knew. 

 

These are all true stories!

These are my clients of the past. ( names changed to keep privacy)

Women who shared with me the deep pain that they went through consistently in their relationships. The stress that these things put them under and now here they sat before me wanting to unravel the mess that had been taught to them, that they had somehow started to believe was true. 

 

Now one might wonder how can anyone believe something of any of these natures if it just is not so. It is obvious to the outside reader of these tales that these are women who are being abused emotionally, physically and mentally. You might say they should just wake up and get a divorce, save themselves. Not always that easy and everyone has their own reasons as to why that is not always on the table. Most of the time the woman in this instance believes that she is responsible for how her partner is treating her and that she even has it coming. 

 

Ingrained in her psyche from the earliest of years, the majority of women are taught to look pretty, be kind, always put others first, keep the peace and do what is needed or expected of them. 

 

These teachings support the nature of the feminine fully to be peace keepers and nurturers. However they do not support a healthy relationship container, nor a healthy individual. 

 

Women suffer from depression, anxiety and other stress related disorders more than men do across the board. 

 

Upto five times more women suffer from such ailments as TMJ, hormone dysfunctions, migraine and an array of autoimmune disorders than men. Over fifty percent of women surveyed in multiple studies said that they suffered from “high stress levels” and that their stress has increased immensely over the last few years where only one in four men said the same. 

 

70% of women claim they don’t orgasm during sex. 

A striking 60% plus claim that their male partner has forced sex on them even after they said that they did not want it. 

It is an understatement to say that that only 60% of women have been sexually violated at some point in their lives, and almost that many have also experienced physical and/or emotional and mental abuse as well from a male close to them. 

 

These acceptances in relationship start in a woman’s youth. 

The expectations that she is taught from age three forward. 

Her relationship with her father, brothers, uncles and other men. 

How she is looked upon, the remarks made, and then the constant awareness that she is responsible for the actions, words and even thoughts of the men that come into her life. 

 

She is trained to care at all cost for the man in her life. 

To sacrifice her own needs and boundaries even. to make sure that he is happy and satisfied and she is taught that if she does not do this that it is to be expected to be “punished.”

 

In today’s world of feminist rights and movements, you would think that these ideas would have been put to rest a decade or so ago at very least, and they are starting to loosen around the feminine but now are turning toward the masculine where we women are attempting to make right the wrongs by inflicting our pain and revenge on men. However, all we are truly doing is creating more pain for both sexes. We are traumatizing all sides and we are putting all the more stress and anxiety on we women as we believe strong heartedly that all men are toxic. We now undervalue the beauty and strength of the masculine leadership, logical minds, ability to nurture in their own way and stand true at their core. These characteristics however are only instilled in the masculine if they are raised to believe in themselves and to value and trust the feminine. Our men of today and of the last few decades have been raised by a scorned feminine. They have witnessed the pain of both sexes and they do not know where they stand or what it means to be a man in our world. 

 

There is truly no safe haven for man or woman in todays world. 

And we have all been raised by victims. 

 

So where does this musing of today take us?

What is the take away that I want for you to gain from this message here?

 

First, I want to share that my above client stories all came to me because the men wanted change for their relationship and woman. Although, none understood what they were truly asking nor what they would get, they were the leaders of the change. They were the ones who said, “Something has to happen here. She needs to find her power, her self-love and worth.”

The women, most of them would have chosen to remain in the same shoes, to not cause a stir in their relationship. They would have sacrificed the rest of their years on this planet not initiating, not speaking their truth, staying the peacekeepers that they were and having limited confrontation. Because that is how a woman thinks and believes. 

She does not want to fight. 

She wants everyone to just get along. 

 

And she will deal with herself, 

Her emotions and fears, 

Her negative thoughts and her broken heart most likely in the parking lot of the grocery store. Alone. Parked and crying until she feels spent and able to move again. 

 

Next, relationship…. All relationship is about power. 

There is delicate harmony to the dance of power, and intimate relationship all the more delicate because it deals with the heart. It deals with our hopes and dreams. It is the one space that many will do what they would never do anywhere else. They will speak the cruelest of words to one they hold so dear because they know that they can get away with it. They will say yes when they are hard no because they do not want to be a disappointment or let the other down. They will accept so much less from their partner and take more on for themselves. And they will do all of this good and bad alike because of their positioning in the relationship and how they have been taught. You see, its all a cookie cutter thought process. Its about what we will accept for ourselves, how we value ourselves and what we have been taught to believe and look for in the opposite sex. 

 

Unfortunately, none of this is healthy. 

None of this has anything to do with love of our mate. 

It only reveals how we view ourselves and what we will accept. 

It shows our scars. 

It shows how easily we will give ourselves away in a multitude of ways and even let our health be destroys all for the attention and approval if only for one second in time from another. 

 

These men, who brought their wives in to “get fixed” all said the same thing in their consult. 

“ I love her. I want her to see how powerful beautiful and radiant she is. I want her to speak her truth even if it hurts. I want her to know that I support her.”

 

However, as the women learned to speak their truth which is where they found their power and self-love and worth, the men found themselves being told the truth more and this caused more pain, more confrontation, fights, anger, rage and sometimes trauma. Some of these couples are no longer together. The men discovered that as amazing and hot as it sounds to be with an empowered woman who will tell you the truth that they could not bare to be with her any longer, they wanted something less testing in their relationship. They did not want to hear her pain, her disagreement, her thoughts. And the women discovered that they needed a man that was willing to truly listen to her as well as himself. They discovered that they required and deserved a man who was willing to work on himself as well and valued her for all her feminine tendencies instead of looking at these natural characteristics as betrayals or disrespect. 

 

And the couple who made it through this edgy space of healing?

Well they discovered who each of them were. 

They learned how to communicate without violence. 

They learned how to stop blaming and jumping to conclusions. 

They learned how to remain present in the issue and moment with each other. 

And above all else, they learned to let go of the need to be right. 

To be seen or understood, even by their partner. 

And that they were never going to fully heal their wounds of the past or overcome the triggers associated with them, but that they could inquire into the self as, “how does this support our relationship right now and what can I do to better hear my partner?”

 

If you take nothing but this last line away with you today, then that my dear reader is enough. 

 

Know that you are worthy. 

You are whole and enough.

And it is always okay to make mistakes, 

You will not get it right all the time. You will not always stand strong in your word even. 

Some days you will fall great distances. 

Because you are human. 

And so is your partner. 

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

 

  • Kendal Rene’

 

Vehicular Assault In The Bedroom – Is It Acceptable?

A man is out with his buddies after a long day at the office. They stop into a local pub to have a drink or two and shoot the shit. A few hours go by, they root for the sports team, throw about some “F” bombs, share about the days and the stupid people at work. The man starts to feel tired so decides it’s time to head home to his family.
On his drive home he gets more exhausted and his eyes are heavy. The couple of drinks although they don’t significant impact him are not making things any better right now.
He comes up to an intersection and does not slow down in time, thinking there is not really traffic at this hour and is not overly concerned about running a stop sign in his quiet neighborhood.
Unfortunately, as he roles through the stop sign he hits a pedestrian.
He did not see this person out walking and somehow completely missed their presence on the curb as they stepped off the curb to cross the road.
The man is later charged with vehicular assault. He has his driver’s license taken from him, serves time in jail and pays a hefty fine. He has this mark on his record for some time to come.
Is this right?
Does he deserve to have his whole life tipped upside down over an accident. He was not drunk. He was not speeding. He was not deliberately trying to harm another human.
Yet his life is upside down from this event.
Seriously now, ponder this.
Does he deserve to be punished as the law states?
If he had killed this pedestrian his punishment would have been worse.
Now if you are like most people,
you may say,
“Yes he deserves the punishment.”
–>He was being clumsy and not responsible in his actions.
–>He should have not had as much to drink as he did, stopped sooner, ate some food to offset his alcohol.
–>He should have just gone home in the first place since he was tired.
–>He knew his state of being and should have worked harder at being more present while driving.
–>He knew the streets in his neighborhood well, he knew that the stop sign was there, so he should have stopped.
–> Etc. Etc.
You may also think it brutal that his whole world get’s halted and goes into chaos from the accident, thinking that may be a little harsh BUT, it was ultimately his fault. His mistake and look at what he did to the pedestrian and their life? Can they function fully? Do they need surgery? What came of their life?
Now let’s look at the this same man,
same tail,
He is out to the pub with his buddies, he gets tired and he decides to go home to his loving family. He goes home with no issues. His children greet him on their way to bed, his wife has saved him dinner in the microwave and kisses him hello.
She inquires about his day and he says it was okay, just a bunch of stupid people to deal with as usual.
They settle into watching a TV show and news.
All seems happy and normal.
They go to bed and the man snuggles up behind his wife rubbing her hip and butt a little. He kisses her softly on the neck a couple times. He slips his hand down between her legs from behind to touch her pussy. Tapps it softly with his fingers. Brings his hand back up, spits in his hand and rubs his spit on her vulva that is exposed from this position. He is hard and ready, she is laying on her side holding her breath. She knows what is coming and even though she does not want it, she says nothing. Hoping that maybe he won’t. Maybe he will see that she is not interested.
He rubs the spit around a bit more, grabs his erection and without word sticks it into her. He is on his knees, holding her hip down to hold her on her side. He is forceful, fast and deep in his penetration. He is moaning in pleasure and giving primal earthy groans as he fucks her. She does not move. He continues until he cums.
He lays down behind her, kisses her on the cheek and says,
” I love you. Good night.”
She stays still as he drifts off to sleep and starts to snore.
When he is snoring, she gets up and goes to the bathroom.
His cum is dripping out of her.
She sits to pee.
As she pee’s her vulva and labia burn from the friction of the sex that her body was not ready for.
Her gut hurts from the anxiety and pain of going through this.
And tears stream down her cheeks as she softly sobbs, hoping no one will hear her, hoping that she can just make it through the night and next day.
The morning comes,
the sun rises.
her husband is rested and ready for his work day.
He grabs coffee and breakfast,
kisses the kids and her goodbye,
wishes them all a good day and tells her that he loves her.
She gets the kids ready and out the door for school,
darts to the shower where she washes herself diligently because she feels so filthy and disgusting. She weeps as the whole event and every event before it no matter from her husband or another man plays in her head like some morbid cruel reality show. She gets out of the shower, telling herself its time to put the game face on. She has a family that needs her and work to get done. No time for this pity party and after all he is her husband and he is a man and it just is the way it is. After all, he loves her. He is a good provider, a good father.
She has nothing to want for.
But she wants.
She wants for the pain to go away.
She wants to feel loved, not used.
She wants to not feel the anxiety around going to bed every night or waking up in the morning to the same event.
She wants for him to see that what he is doing is not okay.
That her world internally is upside down and she is slowly falling apart.
–>Her work life is stressful.
–>She cannot stay focused.
–>Her physical body is always sick and hurting.
–>Her hormones are out of balance.
–>She is exhausted physically and emotionally.
–>She is irritable.
–>She cries for what seems like no reason randomly.
–>She has no real interest in life.
–>She appears to be depressed.
–>She gained a bunch of weight.
–>She is drinking more and popping pills to sleep, to wake up, to keep her going and keep her mood somewhat stabilized.
Now I want you to ponder this scenario.
What comes up for you?
Is this acceptable?
Is it okay that her world is upside down and that she is living in this state?
Is it ok that her husband just continues on like this?
I mean after all,
–> He had a tough day at the office.
–> He was tired and most likely just did not realize what he was doing.
–> He had a few drinks so he was not fully aware and did not catch that she was not into it.
–>If she was into it she would have said something or pushed him away, right? So its her fault.
–>He needed the release to help him sleep, to help him destress.
–>Men need sex more than women.
–>Most women are never into it and are none orgasmic unless drunk so this is normal.
–> She just needs to get over it, its not that big of a deal, its just a little sex.
–> He does everything for her, there is no question of his love.
–>Its not like he physically broke her or tried to kill her. He did not hit her with a car.
–> His actions were not on purpose. His intent was not to harm, he thought she was okay with it.
So that makes his actions of flipping her life upside down acceptable?
But if he hits a pedestrian then he should have been more present,
he should have paid more attention and known where he was at and what the dangers were.
He hit a pedestrian and now they cannot function clearly, they are in pain, they are emotionally messed up, their home and work life are in shambles.
So for that yes, he needs to be punished for harming another human even though it was not on purpose.
Really?
I want you today to sit with these tales.
I want you to go deep inside yourself and ask yourself why one is okay and the other is not?
I want you to ask yourself why excuses and lack of understanding and presence should be easily forgiven or not even considered when we speak about raping a partner but it is different for other events?
And then I want you to realize that 74% of married/coupled women go through this weekly or monthly.
And if you are a man who is married or coupled with a woman I want you to examine your choices and get real.
Stop accepting excuses from self and others.
The damage caused from moments like this is not small and most of the time cannot be  repaired fully. This sort of event tears apart the foundations of love and trust.
And if you think differently then you are a fool.
It’s time to wake up men.
It’s time to stop being blind to your haphazard self centered ways and its time to actually love your woman.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”
Want to learn more on healing relationships in 2020 and how to uncomplicate your couplehood. Reach out to me for deet’s on my individual and couples coaching available globally.

Ignorance Is Not Permission

Most men cannot fathom what sex is like for a woman in any possible fashion.
 
The link between the emotional,
the mental and the physical is not something a man typically can understand to the depths of the feminine.
 
It is truly a rare masculine who obtains this sort of awareness and understanding and then adhears to it.
 
Most men are boys in their sexing,
allowing ignorance to rule thier love making and haphazardly moving forward in it.
 
Unfortunately this style of relating to the feminine only ends in the cause of severe trauma to the female and frustration and shut down to both parties.
 
In sexing it is often assumed that sex is just sex.
And it most certainly can be.
That is why one night stands can be fantastic,
we can walk into a sexual encounter,
being open, playful and wanting to simply have fun and a good orgasm. Typically both parties are very present in these moments and the ego nature of us humans being have us wanting to show what we can do, so we make sure to leave a promising memory with this person to that we feel proud about when they look back at this memory they will still carry a “Wow, that lover was great!” vibe.
 
Unfortunately we don’t bring this same sort of concept into our long term relationships.
 
Here we focus more on what commitment means to us and how we can best get our needs met over all.
Accepting mediocre connection time, intimacy and sex until it wears one or both parties out and empties the relationship of all the glue that was holding it together.
 
The allowance of mediocre sexing and intimacy in our relationships is the succumbing to hopelessness and thus the enabling of blind trauma to occur.
 
How is this possible if both parties seemingly agree to have the mediocre sexing though?
 
A few things are happening:
 
1) Most women do not know how to ask for what they need in sex and have ton’s of shame wrapped up around sex in general, believing that it is mostly for the man and his pleasure as well as a frustration to their own pleasure because it “takes too long” for her to achieve any result.
 
2) Most women will test their men, as the feminine does to see how present the man is and how much he really wants to give to her or how much she means to him so will not communicate what is needed because she wants and needs his penatrative inquiry.
 
3) If a woman has shared her needs and desires with a man, she is now looking for him to make the appropraite calibration and show that he was being present with her in his listening and has a desire to please her.
 
4) If mediocre sexing continues typically a woman will just give up. In her giving up she shuts down her sex even more as well as her heart to her man. Her trust in him has been so far breached from his haphazord pushing forward and ignorant resisance to listening and applying what has been shared that she knows now that he is untrustworthy of holding her heart and love. So even though she may remain with him physically he slowly and often quiet quickly looses her heart forever.
 
5) Men focus on the number of thrusts and the speed they can move in sexing, thinking that changing position every 3 minutes is an ideal, when in fact a woman needs her lover to slow down, focus in on certain spots with attention and care not force and speed. If men were to treat a womans whole body as a sexual organ then he would be able to bring her attention to openning up sexually and ignite her sexual juices
 
6) Men typically get focused on the genitals, especailly their genitals and forget all about the females body. Ignoring what the body reactions are and even block out what the woman is saying during sex whether with her voice or with her hands and body language. This is where he becomes blind to her requests to stay in one place, to keep that rhythm, to give more or less. In the ignoring of what her body and voice are asking for he often without realization ends up either hurting her phsyically or leaving her hanging on the brink of orgasm with no release causing female blue balls and over a time frame sexual shut down which leads to emotional distancing and hormone disturbance.
 
7) Women often tell their man that they would never say no to him sexually. On the front side of a relationship this is stated in playfulness and is meant full heartedly. But the woman is also most likely getting fed orgasm by her man as well. Once the tides turn and she is no longer being cared for sexually, she may adhear to this statement but every time a man assumes that it is okay to just push for sex in this way he is causing physical/emotional and mental trauma to his female partner.
 
8) If your woman is not having real orgasms, not just a few clitorial ones, but real deep G-spot or cervical orgasms blended with the clitorial ones then it is pretty simple to assume that at some point she will start to feel like a masturbation tool for you, and that she does not matter to you as a person or as your woman. Every sexual encounter will turn into a rape trauma for her no matter how great it felt for you as the man. The more this happens, the deeper she will burry herself from you to protect her heart. No amount of flowers, trips, gifts or sweet “I love you’s and you are world to me.” will matter, because the evidence of how much she really matters shows between the sheets in your sexing.
 
So what is the solution?
How can Mr. Fix It – fix it?
 
Listen to your woman.
–>Inquire with the questions that your ego is scared to ask.
 
–>Don’t accept the answer,
“I am fine, we are fine/good.” – “Our sex is good.”
If you think your woman is having an orgasm in sex, question what orgasm really is and what it looks and feels like when you are with her.
 
–>Read my article – 90 Days Without Orgasm https://kendalwilliams.com/90-days-of-no-orgasm-say-what/
and pay attention to the list of 29 things that happen to women when they don’t have reeal orgasm in their life, if your woman has these things or just some of them, do the reeality check with yourself as to what the truth is no matter what she says to save your delicate ego, ( because yes, all of us women believe that men cannot handle the truth in this department and that if we tell them the truth then love will be retracted from us or that our man will become distant or anger, guilt or shame us and that its just better an easier if we go along without sharing the truth.)
 
–> Slow down in the bedroom.
–> Make love to her vulva and breasts first.
–> Always, always, always get permission for sex!
–> Make sure she cums first and if possible multiple times.
–> Be present with her whole body not just what face she is making, her face can lie to you.
–> Listen to her requests and do as directed.
–> Don’t make everything about the sex. You woman needs communication, connection and your time and presence outside of sexing as well.
–> Check your ego FREQUENTLY.
–> Stop accepting average and ordinary sexing in your life and relationship.
 
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
 
Want to learn more about female sexuality and how to achieve deep connective states of being with a woman? Want to learn the secrets of superiour love making and relating? Reach out to me for individual or couples coaching now. It is a perfect time to save your relationship and reignite the passion. I work with people globally.

Are You Hiding From The Truth In Your Relationship?

Retraction.
The holding of the breath.
The gripping of one’s fist.
Fidgetting.
 
What we expereince when something is shared that we don’t want to hear.
 
It can be hard to hear our partner speak about what they are feeling. How they are thinking. Or the challenges that they are having in the relationship.
 
It can be terrifying at times and make us question if the relationship will survive.
It can make us feel weak,
defeated, not enough, lost even.
 
When our partner throws a verbal dagger at us,
whether they know it or not,
it hurts.
 
And we find ourselves tossed between gratitude for finding out and a desire to not know any more.
To just make it go away.
 
The gratitude is our soul telling us that this is what is needed,
if our partner had not openned up and shared then that would mean that the relationship was already dead and it was just a matter of time till we discover its corpse.
 
This is what happens frequently however,
so often couples carry on and one partner is blind and deaf to the truth of what state the relationship is in, until it is too late and then they scratch their head in confussion of , “How is this possible, I thought everything was good?”
 
If we lean into the desire to make this pain go away and to not hear it anymore,
we may find ourselves retracting our love to our partner.
We may find ourselves just simply disregaurding what they are sharing and moving along as though it never happened.
Hoping that if we don’t talk about it or give it attention that it will change on its own.
 
This is detrimental to the releationship, however.
Making excuses up as to why you cannot focus on this right now, saying that this is the wrong tme to bring it up, saying that its all in our partners head or that thats not true, are all statements sharing that you do not value your partners feelings, thoughts or heart and that you are more caught up on the gut punch and how bad it was of them to make you feel this or to ask for something.
 
This is also detrimental to the realtionship.
 
The ONLY path to choose in this instance “IF” you desire to keep the relationship that you have and to make it strong and happy again is to PAUSE and listen without denial, without hiding, without excuses or fighting.
 
This is what is referred to as
“holding space.”
 
Coaches and therapist’s do this all the time for their clients.
The answers are often formed through the venting,
the sharing, the allowance of the feeling.
 
As a couple, if you desire to take some bad news shared and turn it into gold, then this is the sapce to start in.
 
If you close the door to the communication,
if you get angered or bitter about the sharing,
if you go into attack mode,
or allow your fear to control,
then you will find yourself pushing your partner further away.
 
Communication is the key to holding a relationship together.
Communication is the key to healing a relationship.
Commincation is the key to building trust, intimacy and love.
 
But communicating means listening without judgement or a need to be right or change what someone else is feeling or thinking.
 
Comminucation also means presenting a safe space where your partner feels permission and safety in speaking what they need and that their words will be heard and acknowledged.
 
Commincation means sharing your truth.
Sharing what you are feeling, fearing, troubled with, needing, not liking, liking, loving.
 
If you want a turned on, empowered relationship then you have to move away from surface level relating.
You must be willing to hear it all and hold that space for self and your partner.
 
You must be willing to offer what is going on with you and INQUIRE about what your partner is expereincing,
 
Most relationships today do not do this.
They believe that they do,
but they don’t.
 
Most relationships accept the answer of,
“I am good. I am fine. We are good.”
 
The simple truth is that relationship requires work, time, energy, truth, compassion,communicating, stepping back from a need to be right.
 
If you don’t take the time right now to share with your partner or to hold space for your partner to share and actually listen to what they are sharing, understanding that every share is valuable, then what you will discover is that your relationship will end.
 
If you claim that you love your partner.
Claim that you love your relationship.
Claim that it is the most important thing to you.
That it and them matter.
 
Then let it be witnessed through your actions of taking the time and making it priority.
 
Without shame.
Without guilt.
Without anger.
Without retraction.
Without accusations.
 
But with LOVE.
 
If you think you don’t have time to do this,
then I promise you that you will find a time that it will not longer beasking for your time.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Message me for 1:1 couples and individual coaching availble world wide and/or group coaching focused on this and more.

Beauty in COVID-19.

There is great beauty in awareness.
There is gratitude if you have knowledge.
There is compassion if one let’s themself become educated.
There is hope if we pull together and allow TRUTH be shown without FEAR.
 
 
The question truly falls if we the people of planet earth are willing to do these things though.
 
The beautiful thing about the COVID-19 outbreak is that it is pulling us together as a world society.
 
It is showing our most brilliant aspects but it is also revealing our darkness.
 
And at the end of this plaugue we will be witness to our TRUTH.
 
Now what that truth is,
we currently do not know.
It will only come about when we reach the end of the swing of this pendulum,
and see if the masses focused on FEAR and destruction or if there were enough who chose to focus on love, gratitude, community, healing, courage, passion for life, and pulling back the curtains of the ego.
 
It is being said that we are at the end of days.
It is being said that it is all according to prophecy.
It is being said that it is a conspiracy of leaders to take over the world once and for all and enslave all of humanity.
It is being said that mother nature has had it with us.
It is being said….
and what over and over agian is stated is fear mongering.
The focus and attention to fear,
the belittlement of our greatness,
your greatness.
The threatening of your lives, your well-being, your everything.
And it is so focused upon by ALL,
that if we are not cautious then it will be for certain for many that this will become a tragic world event.
 
As I type this very musing to you,
our child abuse rates are increasing due to this panademic.
Our domestic violence rates are increasing and between these two alone,
our murder tolls are going up.
Suicide is on the rise.
And this is just the start.
 
Not to be a Debbie Downer right now,
but awareness and education show’s these facts.
 
In the face of this horrible panademic,
we are loosing countless thousands more because of our focus on FEAR.
 
It is education that we need.
Not fear.
Fear has never been a good solution.
It has never supported healing or growth.
Fear does not move you through a challenge.
It causes one to flee, hide or fight.
Which is what we are seeing.
 
Abuse increase.
Crime increase.
Alcohol and drug usage increase.
And we are not applying any attention to it.
 
Right now we have an opportunity.
As we sit in our states of isolation,
we have an opportunity to grow ourselves.
To ask the questions of our leaders, our selves and our communities that matter.
We have an opportunity to look at what has not been working,
and explore what could.
 
The answer is certainly not to crash the economy.
Causing our childrens children to suffer from this panademic 100 years from now.
The answer is to not shut down the world and our existance the way we know it, and instill fear into each and every soul, ‘creating a greater seperation.
No, seperration only results in all the above negativity.
The solution….
is AWARENESS.
EDUCATION.
FACTS.
Looking at ALL evidence, not just what media chooses to share.
Really looking at the numbers.
All of them, not just the death numbers.
Remember that statistics can be whatever you want them.
A person who wants to be aware, looks for ALL the facts.
This means,
age.
other issues/disease.
What the COVID-19 virus is really doing in our world – its natural swing,
remember that with all things you can only go so far up in numbers before there is a drastic decline.
Have you looked at this?
Whats the real percentage of people who even get COVID-19?
Have you gone to CDC.com or Worldometers.info and explored? (ALL the numbers)
 
If you claim to say that you are concerned for your health,
the worlds state,
the economy,
THEN DO YOUR PART and get educated outside of media.
 
We don’t have to agree.
We can have vastly different views,
thats awesome actually.
But if you are just blindly listening to media and what is being fed to you,
then know that you don’t have education or awareness on your side.
You are allowing yourself to be brainwashed.
 
And my point is two fold:
1) If you are going to be brainwashed at least CHOOSE what you are ingesting.
2) Fear NEVER fixed anything. And what we have on us right now is a FOCUS on FEAR with this crazy idea that it will be some part of the solution.
 
Its time we focus on something better then FEAR if we are to save our world and create a safe and prosperous planet for our youth.
 
And it is time to find beauty again in the lesson that we are being given from God and Mother Nature.
 
It is not a lesson to seperate and hide from the truth, to toss our hands up and let someone else deal with the solution and pray that they have our best at heart…
 
No.
 
It is a lesson to find gratitude for the life that you were given,
the planet that you were born on,
the world family of humans that ARE smart and creative,
who when they desire to truly come together and find a healthy path,
 
CAN.
 
I for one believe in humanity.
I believe in TRUTH.
I believe in shining a light in the darkest of days.
 
Are you willing to become aware enough to have an actual educated opinion?
 
Or will you continue to ignore and be a victim to this day?
 
Sending you all my love sweet reader,
with many prayers of gratitude for you and this world.
 
Let your light shine.
And as always,
 
Stop Existing & Start Living
 
“Coaching for Grwon A*s Believers”
 
Now accepting applications for 1:1 coaching.
 
Learn how you can let go of that that causes you stress and fear and truly create the life that you’ve always wanted for.
 
Plus inquire about my group coaching for ways to reduce anxiety and stress with a 5 week mastermind on the vagus nerve.

The Avalanche of Negative Momentum in Relationship – How to Cope?

Have you noticed that a lot of challenges and upsets in your relationship happens because of one person’s sensitivity to what is being said or what they “think” they are hearing?
 
And have you noticed that after you have been with someone for a bit,
that is feels like when you get into a confrontation that there is no bottom to how deep and dark you can take it?
That there seem’s to be no bottom to the level of pain that you may venture into,
or the memories that you can come up with?
 
And it all feels so nasty, does’nt it?
It feels so real.
 
Arguing is never a fun thing in relationship.
Especially in our most intimate relationships.
 
But what causes this?
And how can we more consciously deal with this negative momentum that occurs in our fighting?
 
First, its important to relaize that it is NOT a reflection of who you are,
or who your partner is,
or what your relationship is.
 
Its just a vibrational discord that is occuring.
Its a reflection of your energies not being aligned in that moment.
 
And one of the best things you can do it to speak just that.
And state that it is JUST A MOMENT.
That it is a moment of imbalance.
 
It has no permancy to it.
Realize that you are both making too much of it.
That with all the beauty,
all the blessings that you have in life,
that what you should be doing is feeling just that,
BLESSED.
 
But, don’t get caught up in the judgement of this realization.
Remember that compassion heals,
judgement harms.
 
Recognize what is happening in compassion,
be easy on yourself and your partner.
 
And, then remember that there is momentum in your energy that is moving you along like this,
Realize that this event that you are standing in right now,
is NOT from RIGHT NOW.
It has been building up momentum for some time,
it is residual momentum in your energy.
Just something triggered it.
 
Even though you may be feeling like you got blindsided by this dorment momentum,
that it’s okay.
 
Know that your vibration is where you last left it.
Meaning that just because this event is happening,
does not mean that you have to fall prey to your old vibrational ways of dealing with it.
 
You are being offered the opportunity to move forward with new eye’s as to how you wish to position yourself and where you want to go with your energy.
 
If you lean back into all those old memories that will so easily fester themselves up right now,
or you ponder all the times he/she said/did…
then you are now contributing to the momentum.
 
Leaning into ease and letting go of the energy,
you may feel strange or even fearful,
you may feel like you are jumping out of a plane without a parachute,
however the reverse is you fighting for your point,
and increasing the momentum of what you do not want.
 
Feeling insecure.
Self- judgement.
Self- Blame.
Feeling inconsiderate to each other.
And the list goes on and on endlessly.
 
As I am sure you have expereinced a few times in relationship fighting.
 
Instead try speaking this:
 
” I love you too much and I love me to much, I love us to much to continue this negative momentum.”
 
This statement offers zero judgement about the momentum or where it came from.
 
Its all accurate and real,
you are not making up the imbalance,
you are now just not adding to it.
 
You can want for whatever you are wnating for.
It is good and healthy to want.
The only thing you need to embrace is that in order for you to have what you are wnating for,
you must be a match to it,
and you cannot expect or demand another human being to act or be any particular way to get you what you want.
Or to make you happy.
Otherwise, this is making them a conditional lover.
Which makes your relationship one of need instead of love.
 
Instead when you step away from being conditional lovers/partners,
 
you now take responsibility for your own happiness.
You can say to your partner that you love them,
but that you are not going to act or do something just to appease them,
or to sooth their emotional state of being.
You can let go of the riegns of responsibility of what they are thinking or feeling and encourage them that this is thier moment to self-sooth.
Knowing that this is empowering to them and to you.
And even though there may not be any reaction changes,
you can stand at more peace because you are being authentic and in alignment whith your TRUTH,
verses being a conditional lover.
 
Think about it,
all relationships are the same.
In every relationship there is a dominant person and a submissive person,
and this can work well for many things,
it is also looked at as the masculine and the feminine,
we need the polarities in relationship to have attraction and desire,
but these poles can be abused.
And often are out of the name of love.
but when we access that poyant reality of who we all are,
children of God,
then we must also realize that the most loving thing in relationship is to accept and honor,
that no one is your boss and you are not the boss of anyone.
 
This concept of I own you.
I posess you.
Because I love you.
Is abuse of the word love.
It is not of the heart and soul,
but of the ego and fear.
Thus pulls us out of alignment and consistnetly builds and triggers such negative momentum as we have been speaking of here.
 
Realize that when you are looking for some sort of behaviour shift that what you are doing is trying to be the boss of your partner.
 
So instead of letting the momentum carry you to actually screaming these things at each other,
pause and say…
 
” I love you too much and I love me to much, I love us to much to continue this negative momentum.”
 
And PAUSE!
 
Yes pause.
This is the space to go your seperate ways,
to reflect and breathe,
to refocus yourself from fear and back into love.
 
This is also you putting the most important relationship back at center stage in your life,
that being the relationship with self and God.
It must be paramount.
And if you can make this relationship of the highest importance,
then your partner will follow,
because you will be in alignment and you will be magnetic in your ways,
acting and speaking out of love once again.
 
And this is where you move from.
A higher vibrational acting point.
 
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Looking for moree clarity and tools as to how transform your relationship of now into the relationship of your dreams?
Message me about privtae coaching strategies that show you the way.

Forced Consent is Not Authentic Consent.

You can’t touch this….
Touch.
Hands on attention.
Something that is so needed,
so human, so intimate and connective.
 
Yes touch is something beautiful.
Unless it is not wanted.
Unless it is given when it is not appropriate.
Unless it is out of one’s boundaries or it is forced upon someone.
 
And it is this final statement that I want to address today.
As a woman who has experienced her fair share of trauma,
and speak about the healing process,
the psychological issue around and how to best prevent further trauma in life,
It has come to my attention over the last week the power of touch, yet again.
 
The same touch that can show love can also trigger fear.
Our hands and fingers can open in a hug and give one with deep care and no desire to harm another,
these same hands and fingers can penetrate another person with fear and trigger old wounds as well as cause new ones with the same action of a hug.
 
How can that be?
How is it possible?
Does that mean that we should just not touch anyone?
Yet here we are a touch deprived society.
Hungry for touch and the fact that we are so deprived has us uncertain as to what is healthy and what is not,
because we are deprived and not taught proper respect and boundaries,
permissions and body language signs,
because we want what we want and tend to overlook another person’s feelings or obvious gestures of not wanting to be touched,
we push ourselves onto others with great disregard to what we may actually be triggering in them or re-anchoring from a past wound.
 
Touch can be healing,
but it can also be harming.
 
Outside of the harmful touch of physical abuse which is what you may think when you read the words of touch can be harmful,
it can still be harmful with a loving, caring, even playful touch.
 
I will bring to the attention what our society is being taught.
 
Recently in America we have dealt with the conversation of touch with our very president being captured stating:
 
“Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
 
This is an extreme statement about touch.
About taking what you want with disregard to another human being. And I see the fall out of this statement in many relationship scenarios from parenting to lovers,
from friends to colleagues.
 
Every time we ask our child for a hug or a kiss and they say “no” and we respond with,
“Come on, mommy/daddy need’s a hug.”
” Give me hug and then you can go.”
“I will give you this if you give me a hug or a kiss.”
 
We are disrespecting our child’s space and answer.
We are teaching our child that it is okay to ignore a “no” and to even try and bribe, guilt or push further for what you want with total disrespect to another’s desire, boundary or need.
 
This then translates to adults who believe that it is okay to push for what they want with a spouse or partner.
 
It translates to adults who do not respect the space, time or feelings of another in any relationship situation.
 
It translates to adults who do not take responsibility for their actions, as they feel that they are doing what they are doing out of a “good” place or a “just or deserving” place, as though they have the right when in fact they do not,
and that no matter how good or right our actions may be,
if they are harming toward another’s boundaries or desires then we need to pause and respect what we are being told or what we are witnessing in energy,
body language coming from another person.
 
Touch.
It is so very powerful.
And our boundaries around it can ebb and flow within any relationship and moment by moment in our lives.
A touch that felt good yesterday may very well close us down to connection the next.
 
And the thing to remember about touch is that it extends past the physical.
 
Touch is about how we touch another person.
 
We can touch another person with our physical body,
we can touch them with our words,
we can touch them with the look from our eye’s,
the expression on our face.
We touch other’s all the time.
How you touch them is the question that I encourage you to review in your life today?
 
Are you honoring and respectful?
Do you listen to their body language as well as their words?
Can you hear their truth and accept it just as that,
without needing approval from them or needing a reason as to why they think, feel or need what they need?
 
Or are you operating from a place of self-centeredness?
A place of need and hunger?
 
When you are in relationship with anyone,
no matter the intimacy level or actual label on the relationship,
do you give…
do you touch…
do you speak…
do you act…
out of the place of unconditional respect and love or are you wanting something and wanting to feel a certain way,
with the belief that if this other person “supports” (gives) you what you are wanting by allowing you to act, speak, give, touch, etc… the way that you deem good in that moment,
that this is what “should” happen and it is “okay” because that is just the way that you want it to be?
 
We are all guilty of ignoring another and insisting that they feel or think a way that we want them too instead of how they may actually be feeling or thinking.
 
We are all guilty of wanting something from another at times.
We are all guilty of missing ques in body language or tones, even not hearing words fully and crossing over boundaries.
We are all guilty of being self-centered.
 
No one wants to feel rejected.
No one wants to feel like they have hurt someone that they care for.
 
The reality is that when in relationship,
we will hurt those we care for.
We will not always be present with them.
And we will have hidden expectations if nothing else that we are not aware of that may cause issues along the path.
 
But if we want to act out of love,
if we want to be emotionally mature,
and trustworthy,
if we want to expand and deepen a relationship,
then each of us MUST take responsibility for how we choose to touch those around us.
 
With our words.
With our physical bodies.
With our looks.
With our expectations.
And assumptions.
 
And we must learn to respect the “No” without question of why.
 
Because no one owes you an explanation of why they are feeling any way,
just like you do not owe anyone an explanation as to why you think or feel any particular way either.
 
But to push your will on another,
is a breaking of truth,
it is dishonoring to the relationship and to both parties in relationship,
and it shows the desperation of one’s need and lack of actual care for another.
Making it detrimental to the relationship.
 
Pay attention to what you are seeing,
to what you feel coming from another person,
not not what you want to feel or see.
 
Realize that your truth about any particular thing may not be the same as another’s and if you are interacting with another person you NEED their consent to involve them.
 
How are you toughing those in your life today?
 
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Let’s get you to your desired F-ck YES! NOW.
Applications for 1:1 available for a limited time. Message me for application.

TRAUMA GREW MY ROSE GARDEN AND GRATITUDE WATERS IT.

TRAUMA GREW MY ROSE GARDEN AND GRATITUDE WATERS IT.

Today is a really interesting day for me.
It marks my one year of one of the most traumatic events I have had happen in a relationship so far. It also marks my one year of a massive transformation period, new growth and opportunity blended with trauma and needed healing.

Today I sit here at Starbucks after dropping my youngest son off to his father ( the man I fell out of relationship a year ago today).
It was brutal to drop him off today.
My heart actually still hurts from this mornings exchange.

Our son age four, ran to the back seat of my car as we pulled into daddy’s driveway and he screamed, “I don’t want to go to daddy’s house.” he got so frustrated, clung to the rear seat with all the force his little body could muster and screamed, “No Mommy.”

I grabbed him up, hugged him. Told him that I loved him and that I would see him later today and then he would be back at mommy’s house on Wednesday. He clung to my neck and fought profusely to hold on to me as his father took him out of my arms.

I never wanted any of this for my baby.
I don’t believe that any of us parents ever want this sort of emotional pain on our children. I don’t believe that my ex desires this trauma to come up on our son either.
And yet it still falls here.

Today, I find myself sitting here upset at my son’s pain.
Wishing I could do more for him.
Wishing that us adults who have brought this on him could have communicated better about what we wanted from each other and how we wanted out of our relationship before it came to violence as it did and a nasty, terrorizing breakup that will last a life time for our children emotionally not to mention the physical repercussions that are still being dealt with for myself.

I sit here still wondering how I could not have realized more so as to where my ex was at.
Wondering why he had to act out in violence and rage the way he did one year ago today.
Why it was so important for him to push me and all the children away with such extreme measures.
Why could he just not simply say that he wanted out and we move onto separate paths in peace and harmony, working together for the greatest good of all the children and each other.

I knew he was unhappy in our relationship.
I knew he wanted out.
He did not even desire to want to spend 30 minutes a week with me alone even though this had become a consistent request and desire of mine. He could not stomach to sit by me and watch TV, he wanted nothing to do with cuddling or sex that was two sided, only wanted to get off and be done. Would roll away in disgust after pushing me away like trash after he had reached climax.
He became rageful with friends and emotionally and physically aggressive toward his step-children. He was hateful and I told myself that he was stressed about work, money, health, anything but the truth was what I proclaimed.

The signs were there.
They were in front of my blind eyes and desire to make it all work for us.
The more committed I became to our relationship and requested time and connection,
the more he pushed away in anger.

And now,
a year later I see the truth.
I see his pattern that he had to enforce.
I see the pain that he must be in.
And I am grateful that even though that was a brutal time and experience,
even though there is still much healing that needs done for self and children.

I am grateful that I never lost who I was,
I never lost love,
I never lost my family or friends,
and I can do the healing and I understand at a deep level the power of emotions,
the importance of knowing self and NOT hiding from myself and feelings.
I am grateful that I was given a powerful opportunity last year to stand up and be 100% me.
The last year has offered me so many blessings that would have never come about had he not caved to his patterns and needs to push love away, to push so hard that he was the one to be abandoned in the experience by everyone. To repeat the trauma from his youth. And to create an experience that supported his belief that the feminine always leaves him.

I see now how he had to push that hard.
I am too stubborn to leave when I still love.
I believed it could be fixed,
I believed that he was not lying when he said that he loved me more than anyone else.
I strangely believed in us and in him.

But today,
today I stand in gratitude for the 7 years of learning,
of experience and growth,
for the birth of my two youngest angels that i would not trade for anything.

Today I stand here in gratitude for his push.
Busted up body and everything,
it was worth it.
Because I found my true strength.
I found my heart.
My SOUL.
And tapped into allowing myself, to be me without needing another.
There is great beauty in the darkest of clouds if you allow yourself to see it and you allow time to step you back far enough to see the whole sky and it’s beauty.

Life is one BIG TRUST EXERCISE.
And today,
I am reminded of the trust and faith that I had to muster up at one of my lowest, scariest points in life so far.
Today, I choose to focus on that reminder.
To focus on the gratitude and the opportunities that have come from this event, like any event in our lives.
Today I choose to look at my blessed life.
The steady massive love that I experience from family, friends and the wonderful man I have in my life currently.
The AMAZING tribe that I have developed and all the growth that I am seeing in my business and life.
The wealth of connection, joy and the laughter that resides in my home daily that was not there a year ago or before.
My creativity at an all time high.
The beauty and bounty that is in each step on this journey.

Today I want to say THANK YOU to the man that tossed me to the side last year, who tried to destroy me and all that we had built together.
From that rubble grew a rose garden.

MY ROSE GARDEN.

Thank you for my pain.
Thank you for my suffering.
Thank you for the trauma.
Thank you for the goodbye.
I am so effing happy with my life TODAY!

My question to you that I share this with today is,
what are you doing with your trauma, drama and pain? Does it hold you back or build you up?

As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

It’s time that you start to say YES to the most important person in the room beautiful. It’s time that you accept your worth, and step onto this path that your SOUL is calling you too.

I know how hard the steps may appear.
I know that you are fearful, that you doubt if you have what it takes to make this shiz happen for you or not.

But I promise you that YOU can do it.
You can have it.The first step though is to recognize that you must let go and have faith in your process of getting there.

Listen to your SOUL and follow it’s lead.

Imagine having a coach who has been on a similar path guide you, help you discover the deeper meanings of what soul is wanting you to know.

What would it feel like to have that sort of support and guidance?

You can have this.
Message me for deet’s on 1:1 Private mentoring and coaching today.