💃WHY CAN’T SHE SEE SHE IS BEAUTIFUL?👈💃
We ladies can be so needy sometimes and not even realize what we are doing. Granted, today I am sharing some most likely pretty obvious things that we ladies are guilty of asking our men, however my point in sharing these things is to enlightened the women of my page as to what is really going on when we reach out with this sort of inquiry and what we can do to better ourselves.
Self-love and acceptance is vital to an emotionally healthy person and relationship with another. Both sexes have numerous challenges around self-love and it often shows up in our communication with our partners. Personally speaking I can recall many times when I have been guilty of asking these questions myself, granted after doing much deep internal work it is rare today that I ask such things, but I do still realize when the words come off my lips what is actually at play and it has nothing to do with the question asked or my partner.
Instead it is 👉ALL ABOUT ME 👈and my own insecurity in the relationship or myself.
Here is the reality, we women often are guilty of giving up our power to men when we are in relationship, we do this in so many ways from not being able to make clear decisions when he asks us a questions around what we want/need, we fear hurting his feelings or ego, we get caught up in performance issues, wanting to be perfect all the time, making sure that he believes that he is always pleasing us in bed and will say that there is nothing bothering us in the relationship. Women are great at faking it! All the while we get overly fixated on what he is doing and what’s going on in all areas of his life. We end up operating from a place of diffused hyper focus, meaning we focus on EVERYTHING and see EVERYTHING as a threat.
This is giving our power away and not operating from a place of self-love, trust in the relationship or him and only from the defense.
Leading us to needing what might appear like constant validation from him.
If you are a woman, in a relationship and guilty of saying any of these following statements or some version of them, then pause for a moment, go internal and breathe into your heart. Hear me now beautiful…
🥰🌹👉YOU DON’T NEED A MAN TO VALIDATE YOU TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF!👈🌹🥰
💃Does this dress/outfit make me look fat/bad? – Perhaps one of the most common and old statements in the book when talking about women, however there is still a reason for it and that is that we ladies are dang good at setting these traps for our men. Most men today know not to take the bait but I ask you this…
How would you feel if he said yes?
A general rule of thumb and emotional maturity understanding in relationship and life is DON’T ASK A QUESTION IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE ANSWER.
So often we ask questions and then get upset or hurt by the response we get because it’s not in alignment to what we had hoped or wanted, then we finger point and blame the other person for being insensitive to our feelings and needs. This is not a mature response nor is it coming from a place of inner power. It sets us into victimhood and has us wounded around every corner.
I can tell you that this question is one you should just avoid.
Especially if you are a sensitive soul. Youmay believe that you want the truth, you want to know his opinion and want to know that he finds you attractive and beautiful but I have discovered over the course of a few relationships that if your man cares about you, desires you and is present with you…
💥YOU WILL NOT HAVE TO EVER ASK THIS QUESTION. 💥
Instead you will get an unasked for response that is something like this, “Wow babe! You’re stunning/hot/beautiful.”
You will see your man light up like you were standing before him naked. His turn on will be obvious.
💃Have you noticed anything different about me? – We ask this typically when we cut our hair, got our nails done, bought a new dress, etc. We are looking to see how tuned in he is to the subtle changes that we have made. And we are inquiring because we desire to know that he is focused on us at the level that so many women tend to focus on their man. Again we are searching for acknowledgement and validation from him to make ourselves feel safe and good.
We women need to understand that men are pretty simple creatures. Yes they are deep and complex but they are more hyper focused on what is happening right in front of them then looking at every little detail of what is going on in our lives as women. They are designed to be fixers, leaders and protectors. If anything in these areas arises then they are on it, a knight in shining armour ready to serve the woman he loves. Your change of lipstick color is not on that list and although he may notice how beautiful you are he may not put 1+1 together that your lips are a different color than yesterday. Taking offense or thinking he is not being present enough from this is simply expecting a man to observe life more like a woman than the man that he is.
At our core we women understand this, and what we are looking for is a need to be seen, appreciated and told we are beautiful, good, worthy of his love instead of knowing we are loveable and whole just as we are.
💃Do you think that woman is prettier than me? – Or some version of this. So many women will set a trap here too and point out an attractive woman by saying something about the other woman’s dress, hair, eyes or what have you to draw her man’s attention there slyly. Again, be careful what you ask!!!! Most men recognize that his woman is looking for the response, “No babe, you are far more beautiful than her.”
The reason we women ask this is because we are feeling insecure in our bodies or in the relationship. This particular question is a major sign of a fear and insecurity under the surface. Sometimes women who feel their mate might be cheating on them will start to ask these questions and pay great attention to where her man’s eyes are going when out to dinner or other public events. Granted with affair rates ever escalating in committed relationships of today, there are plenty of good reasons for many women to be on the defense. We women need to realise that one reason out of many for why men cheat is because they are attracted to the confidence of another woman that we have lost. And much like a man who exhibits low-self esteem and confidence, it’s not attractive. Realize that when you as a woman reclaim your own power and focus on self-love and self-validation that you start to radiate again.
You must shift the narrative in your head to, ” I don’t need validation or approval from anyone to feel good about myself. I can feel good and love myself.”
💃What’s wrong babe? – My partner and I are deeply connected emotionally, mentally, energetically and physically. When he is ‘off’ I feel it right away and I feel insecure right away as well. His offness creates a fear in me that I have done something wrong, set him off, that he is pulling away from me and I have a deep desire to reel him back in. My concern rushes through my body and I start to over analyze myself and him.
THAT’S THE TRUTH.
I am a human woman. I have my fears and concerns and my baggage. Just like anyone. But this inquiry is still no good, even though I am guilty of offering it up to him more frequently then I should.
There are going to be times in relationships that our partner or us are out of sorts. We are going to notice this energetic/emotional change. The feminine wants to inquire, talk about it, emotionalize it, share tears and support each other. We women move through these times by venting. Men on the other hand, not so much.
Men need to be able to go internal and contemplate. They need to navigate their own emotions and thoughts without our neediness to be validated by them while they are problem solving. The one thing you can be certain of with a man who is strong in his masculine energy and who he is, is that if he has an issue he will bring it up pretty quickly. He is not going to let it sit and fester.
Most of the time when a man grows distant with his woman for a split second it has nothing to do with her or the relationship.
Again men are more hyper focused on what is right before them, unless they are problem solving a greater picture item or planning the future. However, for most life challenges they are dealing with whatever problem has made itself known in front of them. And this could be related to work, health, house, family, etc.
Where we women like to wrap it all together and hyper focus from a more global view making everything about us and the relationship.
💃What are you thinking? – This should have been number one or two in truth as it’s right in alignment with the last bullet point. We ladies are notorious for asking our men this question when we feel he is not being present with us and often this happens when he is focused on something else such as a sports game, a work project, or just chilling watching birds. Women in general have more issues with silence than men in relationships. Silence equates to disconnect. The natural feminine wants to be vocal and chit chat. Vent and share.
However, the natural mascuiline is about directness. It’s logical and based on what is needed versus taking up space with things that are just wasters of time, energy, or focus.
💥MEN FOCUS ON WHAT IS IN FRONT OF THEM.💥
So when you step into the path and shift his focus from what he was problem solving, contemplating or him just escaping away to his ‘nothing box’ as Mark Gungor shares in his talk, ‘The Tale of Two Brains” which I highly recommend all men and women who are in relationship or want in relationship listen to the full version of on Youtube, that you are shifting the narrative to:
“What are you thinking?”
Only says, I am feeling insecure and I need you to validate me and tell me we are good, safe and I am good and safe.
👊🤯💃LADIES, ALL OF THESE THINGS REFLECT A LEVEL OF NEEDINESS THAT IS NOT SUPPORTIVE TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR YOUR MAN.💃🤯👊
Let alone yourelf.
It’s high time, we women get clear on loving ourselves.
If we want to live a life of abundance and devote ourselves to love and a soulmate relationship, then we have to do our own deep inner work and know that we are worthy without the validation from anyone else.
Consistently, handing over our power in relationships and allowing ourselves to feel this level of insecurity creates a wishy-washy energy and makes us appear less attractive, strong, centered and trust worthy to a high value man.
We are more likely to step away from our authentic selves and offer up what we feel will keep the peace or to try and become something that we believe he wants instead of being who we truly are.
💥A HIGH VALUE MAN DOES NOT WANT THIS VERSION OF YOU. HE WANTS YOUR AUTHENTIC YES OR NO. HE WANTS YOUR BRILLIANCE AND CONFIDENCE.💥
And he most certainly does not want to feel like he is responsible for your emotions.
Which he is not!
👉Ready to step into a conscious, loving, emotionally mature soulmate relationship?
👉Desiring to feel complete in yourself and no longer needing validation from any man?
👉Wanting to immerse yourself in the relationship of your dreams but tired of calling in men who cannot hold you?
Then it’s time to claim your power.
Reach out to me today to learn the secrets and mysteries of the empowered women.
Loving you from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.
EFFING SICK & TIRED OF THE WOKE, CONSCIOUS, DIVINE REAL MAN EPIDEMIC I HEAR FROM BOTH SEXES….
Such utter bullshiz!
It’s a hot topic, right.
Every woman wants just this. A man that is “in touch” with his emotions, spiritually aware, above all the other jokers out there who are not “real” men. A man who will be strong, but not too strong because he better not effing step on her toes, be a good daddy figure, but let her rule the roost, but still know how to support and romance.
Today we have a society of women and men who believe that this ideal that we have concocked is “good and desired” and then we wonder why we do not respect, truly love and trust our partners. We wonder why we are not happy.
Pretty stinking easy to figure out.
We have created an imbalance to the polarities of men and women.
Masculine and feminine.
And we have done just this through the use of becoming “spiritual.”
Gods and goddesses.
Kings and queens.
Divine masculine and feminine.
Can’t you see it?
We are condemning our relationships through judgement, comparison and spiritual labeling as to what is real or not. What is good or not. A man who is just being a (do I dare say it???) a normal dude, average guy, just human is no longer acceptable. Well, maybe he has never been acceptable in truth, I mean men have always had to show what they could offer, their love and ability to get into relationship and partnership with a woman has mostly been based on what value he provides, not what his heart is about, or her heart. Not about love but the value.
Just like we women have long been looked at for our sex and ability to bare children.
In today’s world however, women don’t need men as much for what they can bring to the financial support or safety table of relationship so they are now looking at men to be emotional support, girlfriends with extra tools to use when needed, fathers who are emotionally sensitive and don’t mind changing a diaper or staying home with the kids.
In truth, none of this is bad.
Our world of today certainly requires a couple to support each other on all fronts, especially with child rearing and house chores.
The best relationships and partnerships are always found with the mate that you call your best friend. So it is natural to have and want emotional support from your partner and even expect it more today than in times past. It is required in fact.
With that said, we women tend to really mess up our men in relationships and stir insecurities knowingly and unknowingly. A lot of it has to do with the reality that we attempt to relate to our man as though he is a woman, not understanding that we are triggering him and placing judgement, comparison, and using toxic communication to tell him he is not enough or good enough.
We can say all day long that he should not be so sensitive…
Lol, we want a sensitive dude that is tuned into his emotions but we don’t want him to be sensitive about our unkind communication that we are not aware of.
I hear so many women get frustrated with their man’s ego sensitivity.
They quickly gaslight the situation with a pointing of the fingers to, “well he should just not feel that way, that’s immature of him.”
And then the true gut wrenching statements come out.
“If he were a real man then he would not act/feel/say/do this or that.”
“A conscious man/woke man/divine masculine, would be mature enough to see this, tap into his enlightened whatever and shut up and feel what I am saying or how I am feeling.”
So this “quality” or “bracket” of man is feeling, but not too feeling, knows always what to do and say? Always puts his stuff to the side for his partner?
It’s all a bunch of bunk.
And we women do not respect that sort of guy.
We respect a man who knows who he is, has purpose in his life and direction, can see his mistakes, is not afraid to fail and get back up, can tap into his heart but not get washed over by emotions. We want to be protected, supported, led, seen and heard and opened up by our man. However none of this is possible if we women slam our men to the ground with such comparisons as I see happening and consistently telling them they are not good enough.
Recently, I have been oh so aware of my own old programs relating to men.
I find myself triggered sometimes with my partner and sometimes unaware of falling into old wounds and loops, but then when I become conscious of what has happened I am often surprised to discover that he was triggered into a wound as well, and not by the event that was happening but by my poor choice of words.
I am frequently reminded that healthy communication is all in the delivery.
Just the other day I fell into an old wound of feeling like my partner was telling me what I felt and thought and I shot off coldly my boundary around my feelings. I told him with shortness and almost a mama bear tone to not do this. I had zero feeling toward what he was sharing and how he was triggered, thus his concerns coming up in what we were sharing with each other. I got caught in my wound and spoke from it which in turn created an unkind toxic communication back to him. Luckily for us, we are both hyper focused on rising above such things and working toward happiness instead of “being right” in a communication. So it was washed to the side pretty quickly.
If our relationship were different, if we each were not always focused on developing ourselves and being as raw and real with each other as possible, and not wanting to truly hear and feel where each other are at, this would have turned out differently.
My statement from my wound would have created a ripple effect and he could have taken it more like a command, a stern parenting, shaming even of my disapproval and thus turned that into I was disapproving of him. Even though that was the furthest thing from the truth, which would have created a backslash of emotionally immature communication to happen where we would have felt great separation and fear seep into our relationship.
Such statements as,
“Don’t interrupt me, I am….”
“Let’s get directions.”
“Oh, gosh are you one of those guys who can’t get directions?”
“Such a guy thing to do…”
“Well my old lover/partner/guy I dated always did….”
“I wish you could listen to me the way (insert male friend/old lover here) does/did.”
“Why don’t you just hire someone to do that?”
“No, I got this. I will just take it into the….”
“You’re doing that wrong..”
“You don’t know my body.”
“You don’t feel me.”
“I don’t feel you.”
“A real man would….”
“A conscious/divine/woke man would….”
Don’t get me wrong here. Men have a way of putting their foot in their mouth as well and being insensitive A-holes. And in truth, these statements I share here are brought on because men have not been taught how to pay attention, how to deal with their emotions, and in today’s world men don’t know what it means to be a man any longer. They are damned in all directions and it’s quite defeating for our men to just try and be “good men.”
I find that compassion and grace are the healing agents to figuring out how to best communicate.
Putting ourselves quickly into the receiving of the statement that we are tempted to make often allows us to step back and say, “Wow, that might hurt.”
If we can see the judgement, criticalness, labeling, shaming or guilting of our statements then we can choose to either reword it to get our actual message across better or choose to not share, because it may just do damage and create insecurity in the person and relationship.
Such as the statement of, “A real man would…”
Or “You are not doing it right.”
We women tend to tell our men they are not touching us right, kissing us right, listening to us right, making love to us right, supporting us right. However, we do it from the critical point instead of the space of communication based in love. Something I have learned is “seed planting.” When my partner does something that I really enjoy/need/want I make sure to tell him that I really liked it and how it made me feel. I compliment the good and ignore the not good. Now, if the not good is painful ( say a sexual exploration) I do not hold back from saying “ouch” or “Less pressure” or “softer.” I do not let him believe that its good when I am truly needing a change up. But my communication is closed ended and clear. I do not say shaming statements or critical judgments and I do not bring those times back up unless he says something to me. We are all human. We error. We get caught up in things and we can never know what someone else is feeling or experiencing, so there is no need to condemn the one we love for being human. This is where the grace part comes in.
When looking at our bedroom life, there is no deeper wound a woman can make than to tell a man that he does not know what he is doing here. The quickest way to humiliate a man is to kick him in the bedroom with his skill, presence or stamina. All of these tell him he is inadequate as a lover, in pleasing you, bringing you pleasure and thus he is not good enough. Granted many men need some help with skill, presence and stamina, but if you focus on the good and don’t fake your orgasm but instead share how much you really enjoyed the connection, the touch, how he took his time here or here, I promise you that he will want to be his best. Men want to be their woman’s hero.
Men feel on top of the world when they see their woman in rapture.
But fack rapture followed up with irritation and slamming him into the ground when you finally share the truth is detrimental. If you are going to share a negative with your guy, do it outside of the oment of sex or intimacy and DO NOT compare through a story of an old lover. (palm to the head). The same holds true if you are wanting more intimacy emotionally with your guy. Realize that he will only lean in and trust you with his heart and emotions if he knows that you trust him to lead. Meaning that you are not questioning if you need to stop and get directions or should hire out to do what he wants to do for you, the home, family or other.
Its all interwoven.
We can not correct our man over wanting to be a man and fix things even if he fails at fixing it, and then think that he will be able to hold space for us to vent all our garbage to him and just say the right thing or have the best answer for wherever we are at the moment.
We cannot compare him to friends, old lovers or others and not expect him to show some insecurity, jealousy and even distance. After all men are territorial typically, especially if they see long term with you and they will quickly question if you care more for this other man then them or if you are attracted in any way to the other guy. They will see how you “value” the other man’s whatever and are shrinking them and their value. Creating a barrier to trust and security in your relationship and emotional connection.
What we women need to understand is that often our communication is unkind to men.
We do not give the respect and understanding because we want our men to be able to be egoless as if the ego is ever going anywhere and/or as though a man with an ego intact is low vibe, not divine or conscious and certainly not part of the woke society. What we do not realize is that we all have ego’s. And those who are proclaiming their “high vibe, enlightened” state of being have some of the biggest and they are still men, wanting what all men want.
Feminine connection, physical connection, safety in a woman.
Partnership with the right woman.
His ego is not going anywhere.
Nor is yours.
Kind delivery in our communication is vital however to a happy relationship and partnership.
Learning to not compare, criticize, mother, shame or guilt are just loving things to do do for anyone we love, especially our man.
Our best friend.
Let him be your hero.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Ready to say YES! To your soulmate relationship today?
That’s what I have been helping countless individuals do for the last two decades and now it is your turn. Reach out to me today to explore 1:1 coaching
TALK IS CHEAP! AND IT’S PERVASIVE AROUND YOU.
“I am here for you.”
“Let me know what I can do.”
“I got your back.”
“Yeah, I totally agree.”
“I see what’s been happening, where you are at, what you are saying, etc.”
There are so many things that we tell others with little to no meaning behind them.
We speak these statements with good intent often,
but we don’t understand the value of actually following our words up with action. Sometimes the action is just more words of support, or helping one find answers, or just simply holding space for someone who is going through a rocky time in life and needs to have that space. Other times, it means that we need to follow through with supportive action to those words.
Recently in my life I have had an onslauth of what you could say shiz going down in my personal life.
I find myself standing here not thirty days into a new year amazed at everything that has occured over the last ninety days.
Some mornings I wake and find humor in the events,
realizing that you can’t make this shiz up.
Hollywood would pay a mint for the tales I could tell.
And then other days I realize that it’s just life,
my soul wanting to expand who I am and strengthen my vessel so I can become everything I desire and live that unbound beautiful life I know is mine.
And then there are the days that I wake in total frustration.
And I wonder why me?
How much more does God think I can carry?
And WHY do the people in my life not see it? hear it? Why do they just keep wanting more from me in the face of everything else?
No matter how I wake,
what I have been blessed to witness is a reality check in my relationships. Revelations on no matter who we are, we are all human at the end of the day and our humanness when overtaken by our ego is extremely superficial and self-centered, even when we attempt to support and give love.
We blind ourselves and ignore others’ needs and desires, even though we can see what is happening in their lives and how at the end of a string they may be. How close to crashing they truly are.
And we do this NOT because we don’t care or cannot understand,
but because we want what we want for ourselves.
So we act as though we did not see.
We claim they did not communicate clearly.
We say they never told us.
We spout back, “Well I tried but you would not connect, answer, etc.”
YOU WERE NOT CLEAR ON WHAT YOU NEEDED FROM ME.
We push back the blame to the other.
Not wanting to see ourselves and how in these times we disregarded what was right before us with our loved one for the sake of our own self-centered needs and wants.
If we were to get real with our words,
and to honor them and have the self-respect and respect of the other parties as well, we would stand behind our word.
UNDERSTANDING THAT OUR WORD IS EVERYTHING.
This is not just some old school statement that our word makes up our character.
It’s not just a line from Scarface or the Godfather,
John Wayne and Clint Eastwood are not the ones proclaiming the strength of a human is in his words.
But I tell you that our word is all of this.
Our word is OUR CHARACTER CHECK POINT.
Our word is our STRENGTH.
or our weakness.
And when we say that, “I got your back.”
It should not be a light matter.
These words should come with an understanding that in them we are denying the self for another.
That we are willing to sacrifice our short term desires, needs or wants to fully support someone else and to stay aware of what is happening with them and in their lives.
Unfortunately, the majority of the time this is not what will occur.
The reverse is actually true.
We will state that we are supportive,
and then we will take the opportunity to bulldoze over our loved one to get our needs met instead, all the while pretending to be blind to it all. Pretending that if they had just spoken up, made it more clear, done their part that the boundaries would not have ever been crossed.
OUR WORDS ARE OUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Meaning that with them we take responsibility for who we are and our actions and reactions.
Responsibility to being consciously aware of situations, people and what is truly needed despite our self-centered desires to get our own needs and wants met.
THIS IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND SUPPORT.
Anything else is empty.
Making our words,
and us as a human weak and untrustworthy.
What do your words say about your character in a relationship?
Want to have deep, committed, trusting and loving relationships in all areas of your life?
Then it’s time to stand behind your words,
and realize they are your strength or your weakness.
Your words are your bond.
Without them you have nothing.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn the secrets of a dynamic powerhouse relationship?
Overcome the drama circles and superficial ego based relating game that you are so used to? Reach out to me today for 1:1 opportunities in mentorship now. Limited space.
WOMEN WHO ARE BAD IN BED SHOW SIMILAR SIGNS.
Sex is fucking fun to me.
If with the right person that is.
I can be really fun and adventurous in bed and I can be boring as well.
It really depends on how into the person I am,
if I am caught up in my head,
if I can trust the person I am having sex with and to what level,
if I feel like they can handle all aspects of me.
and of course the chemistry, the connection, that energetic spark.
If it is there then I am more than likely going to be far more “fun” than if I am trying to create a spark that is not really there for whatever reason,
like seeing how great a guy is or how awesome a catch he is but not having that natural primal spark.
When I have all the stars aligned,
and am with someone then it’s certainly adventurous and playful,
There is communication happening from body to voice and desires are shared and asked for.
Which I have found not a ton of men expereince in sex with women.
I have been told repeatedly by just a few hands full of men,
lol… we are not getting into my body count today.
That I make sex extra enjoyable.
That my partner can feel me fully with them.
So I decided to start to inquire with my current and past lovers about this topic to get a greater depth,
wanting to know what it is about my sexing and relating style that keeps guys hooked for decades and knocking at my door to see if I am open to more with them. What has landed me with many men wanting to commit so eagerly?
Here is what I came up with:
WHEN I AM INTO A MAN I TURN UP MY KISSING –
I have been told that I am a bad kisser by a few guys over the years, or meh kisser, nothing special and I have been told that I made a guy cum just from a kiss and left mystery and desire with a kiss. The difference that I have figured out is my openness to the man and my attraction to him, my desire for him. If I am not feeling it then I am a shitty kisser, and if I am feeling it then get ready for mind blowing. I believe that this is true for many people of both sexes however. Then there are the people who are just crappy kissers in general, they have no rhythm, they show no passion, they do not know how to get fully engaged in a kiss. An old lover/friend of mine who is from the UK always has told me that I understand snogging, (kissing with intent). I believe that this is a key secret to mind blowing kissing, can you make your partner feel as though you are ravishing them in bed just by kissing them? Women who suck in bed cannot.
I LET MY LOVER KNOW WHAT I WANT IN BED NON-VERBALLY PRETTY GOOD… AND IF HE DOES NOT GET IT I SPEAK IT!
When I have good or great chemistry with someone then our non-verbal communication is on point. I have learned and have pretty much always been that woman who is not afraid to take a man’s hand or cock and put them right where I want, let alone wrap myself however feels best to me and grind how I desire. Recently an old lover/friend of mine said to me, “You know you are a switch.” For those of you who are not familiar with this term it means that I switch from dominant to submissive in sex. And yes I am just that. I love a good power play in bed. It also requires one to have pretty good non-vevrbal communication skills and a sense of playfulness and confidence.
Women who are bad in bed have trouble communicating verbally and nonverbally. They fumble and feel insecure, often presenting a rag doll or limp noodle version of themselves because they are uncertain as to how or what to do. Women who cannot communicate non-verbally in bed are not good at increasing sexual tension through their eye contact, body language, breathing and actions. I have found that non-verbal communication in bed is a great sign as to how good chemistry and energetic connection is with a partner. One of my longest sexual relationships would always share with me that he loved how our bodies engaged and I always moved with him in perfect rhythm.
I AM EXTREMELY VERBAL ABOUT MY SEXING AND DESIRES, PAST, PRESENT AND WANTING FOR THE FUTURE.
I read awhile back about a study done about women who could not talk about sex opennly and how that related to their sexual confidence. It was stated that open relating about sex showed a persons comfort with their sexuality and desires. Which would also lead to a sign that someone is more likely to be fun and tuned into sex better. I have heard from many men over the course of the years how they wish women would share more about what they want, need and desire sexually and how so many women shut down around actual communication or questioning. Funny how us ladies will talk to our girl friends about what is happening in the bedroom but we won’t talk to the people we are actually having sex with in such candid fashion. Women who talk about sex are more confident in bed. Not to mention sex is just better if you can get a little vocal and not freak the fuck out about someone hearing you or what anyone thinks.
I LOVE BEING NAKED AS WELL AS CLOTHED.
Sexual confidence can be seen outside of the bedroom and it is not just about nudity, however it certainly can show up here most because women in general have a massive amount of body images. Self included. But can you let go of the insecurities that you have and surrender to the moment. Can you learn to truly love yourself no matter your imperfections. A woman who shows signs of insecurity in other areas of her life will more than likely have insecurities in the bedroom. If she is struggling with money, health, body, feeling worthy or lovable, then you will see this come out in her sexing as well. She will struggle to drop down and be able to connect at any real level. Your sexing will feel shallow with her, making for a poor lover.
I LOVE AN ADVENTURE.
Adventurous women are sexually fun women I believe and so I have been told by men. Just the other day a man looked at me and said, ” You are one of those fun women.” This was said after we had shared a deeply profound and passion driven few hours together without any sex. When we are open to experimenting, to play and adventure in our lives we are more likely to explore in the bedroom as well. Having sex in the same manor all the time, getting into the same routine or not being open to oral sex, exploration of any sort shows a person who is boring in bed. Women are more known to shut this arena down then men, making for a dimmer sex life.
SEX IS ABOUT HUMOR AS WELL AS PASSION.
I laugh a lot in sex. I laugh about the very human things that can take place such as queefing, passing gas, burping, sweating and accidents that cause things to break like your bed or a lamp. When I have had a few orgasms I get a real high and laughter rolls from me easily in my sex, I giggle like a school girl as I am cumming sometimes and may throw myself into a sneezing fit, I have been known to cough or sneeze my partner right out of my body as well as squirt so much female ejaculate that the whole bed had to be replaced ( that happened for reals in Mexico one time). Sex is messy. There is no space for OCD, there is no space for fear of being human, and there is no space in good sex for insecurities around sex related humor. I am very serious when I say if your woman is playful then you are more than likely going to have fun in bed, if she is overly caught up in fear of being seen or making a mistake then you will most likely not be happy in bed with her.
A woman who is passionate about life will be more likely to show passion in bed as well.
If your woman is lost in life and uncertain about who she is or her life purpose, then she will show this in bed too and be uncertain and cautious with her passion. She may even not be able to feel passion in sex as it is such a foregin things for her.
WHAT YOU EAT YOUR PARTNER CONSUMES TOO.
Diet and exercise. OMFG! Don’t get me started. This is vitally important and I cannot image sex with a woman who does not take care of her diet and exercise being very pleasent let a lone good. To put it simply, why would you ever expect your man to desire you sexually if your pH is all sorts of out of whack, making your vaginal juices and body odor to breath nasty. What we eat plays such a big role in our sex and as I just recenlt told one man, ” Clean eating is sexy.” Our diets say a lot about our overall health, emotional and mental as well and physical. Eating healthy helps to stabilize hormones and guarantees a healthy gut which is where 80% of our immune system comes from. Eating shit foods causes yeast infections, bacterial infections and more. Not fun for sexing for sure. And exercise provides us with the ability to have better stamina and flexibility, so that we can comfortably maintain a playful moment with our partner.
Women who disregaurd their health for whatever reason are uncaring of their sex as well.
An older lover of mine would often say to me that I had a pampered pussy. When I asked what he meant by this he shared that he loved going down on me because he knew how I pampered her with my diet choices, hygiene and exercise for my whole body as well as my vaginal exercises that I consistently do. He made it clear that he loved what he was enjoying and he shared it was not normal.
I have heard from many men over the years that they are fearful of going down on a woman because of hygiene and bodily smells and tastes. This applies to men as well, no fun for us ladies if you guys are not conscientious. Clean eating is fucking sexy!
Okay, so there is my little share from what I have learned from current and past lovers.
Everything shared here pertains to men as well.
A man who is good in bed will be aware of these things as well.
Where a man who is not good in his sexing and does not have the consciousness to be aware of these things will prove to have all the same challenges that a woman does who sucks in bed.
Making your sex life gourmet has more to do with your confidence, ability to find humor in life and let things go, play and explore, be adventourous and knowi yourself as well as a desire to take care of yourself and communicate then it does with what you choose to wear, what your body figure is actually like, your age or how great you deem your physical skills.
A great lover knows that CONNECTION is primary,
COMMUNICATION is secondary,
and KNOWING YOURSELF AND LOVING YOURSELF is key.
How do you rate your sex?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
October Asskickery Month is almost upon us.
Are you wanting to make some changes in your life, love or sex?
Want to take action but do not know where to start?
Need a swift kick to get what you want?
Reach out to me about this global opportunity to have that F-ck Yes Life that you are wanting for now.
There I was sitting on my bed naked with my morning cup of coffee when he said it….
I know what he was saying was to be a compliment.
I know that what he meant was that I was amazing and that he loved me.
I logically understand.
But that’s not how it translated after it got grabbed up by a wound from my past.
Okay so let me explain about what I am saying here.
You see in my house we have this thing,
and you simply never know where these conversations will go,
nor how they will get stirred up and be birthed either.
It is drastically different each day.
after some decent sexing,
I found my lover and I in bed,
I was naked drinking my morning cup of coffee,
I opened my phone and saw something on all the pedphillia conversations that are currently bouncing around. It struck a chord with me instantly and I shared with him my utter disgust and anger on the concept that pedaphillia should be accepted as a representation of love. I showed him an image that is being put up in Denver, Colorado right now of a rainbow background and silhouette of a man and small child that might be four years at best chasing butterflies, the image says,
” Pedophiles are people too. Because Love is Love.”
My share to him on this topic was that yeah, pedophiles are people too, but having sexual feelings or engagement toward a child, especially a small child is not love and that a child does not have the emotional/mental or physical maturity to understand. These “people” are stealing not just the innocents of our children but actually causing emotional/mental and physical damage to the child.
And that sure AF is not okay and is NOT love.
After that conversation and agreement on the topic, I told him I needed to get to work and write a musing for the day and that my topic was going to be,
“My boyfriend would be perceived a sex addict if he was dating someone else…”
To this he smiled at me and said,
“If you were with you, you would be a sex addict too.”
And this is where it all went dark folks.
In his compliment he unknowingly triggered an old wound.
Now an average and normal woman would have said something coy, kicked the statement out without too much attention, or done whatever she could to change topics if she were triggered,
but not I…..
took a deep breath and allowed myself to feel the trigger.
To feel this wound that just got scratched.
I looked at the wound,
identified that it was not in current and that he had no ill will in his statement.
However, the truth was it triggered me.
And I did not want to spend my day retracted from him or life in general with this trigger and wound playing tennis in my psyche.
So I spoke up.
“That was a triggering statement you just made.”
And then I shared why.
I shared that four years prior when I was in an open relationship,
I found myself in a threesome with my primary two lovers,
who’s intent was to create a yummie experience one day for me where they would both ravish me and we would play and enjoy one another.
However my ex got so excited he did not apply the time or attention needed to my physical body that I needed him to take.
Even though I was highly turned on,
my physical being was not caught up to my mental and emotional turn on for the experience.
And he quickly grabbed a glass dildo with no lube on it and penetrated me with it,
unfortunately it was rough at entry and because I was not organically lubricated yet it tore the delicate skin of my vaginal lining,
leaving me feeling torn and burning for days to come.
He did not take much time going down on me as he was too excited about the whole event and penetrated me quickly after removing the glass dildo.
His hast and excitement level created the scenario of him being a two pump chump in this moment,
and he came so quickly that I barely even knew what had happened.
He then looked at me and said,
“If you were not so hot I could withhold it better.”
Again, I believe that his intent was to compliment,
but what he actually was doing was blaming me,
making me responsible for his inability to last,
to be in control of his body,
his thoughts and feelings,
his sexual energy.
And he tossed his power over to me and made me responsible.
My feeling after hearing this was,
” I need to not be me.”
I felt like if I did not moan that way,
if I was not playful like I am,
If my body did not look like this,
If I was not open the way I am,
Then he would be able to stay with me longer,
last longer and I too could engage in pleasure in these moments.
It was my fault that my partner has premature ejaculation issues.
Fast forward to current moment and my partner telling me that if I was with me, I would be a sex addict too….
This too speaks that I am responsible for my partners thoughts, actions, desires, habits, feelings, etc.
He is not responsible.
He is innocent and cannot help himself.
It’s my fault for being me the way that i am that causes the issues,
So what should I do if I am not okay with an issue?
Well I need to shut my shit down.
I need to not be as turned on.
I need to guard my moans.
I need to go limp.
I need to not engage in sex.
I need to not dress this way or that.
I need to not be as playful.
I need to change myself so that he can handle being around me.
But THIS is not what men want their women to do in truth.
And most men don’t actually believe that it’s the woman’s fault that they have weak stamina or high turn on.
Not fully that is.
They do however blame her to a degree,
just like she takes responsibility.
It’s because of how we were raised.
Girls are told from a young age that we are responsible for how boys look at us.
How they speak to us.
That if we wear yoga pants then we are at fault for a guy thinking things or desiring things.
If a girl or woman gets raped or any sexual harassment then its her fault typically because she was asking for it based on her looks, choice in clothes, attitude, playfulness, how she blinked or smiled, etc.
And guys are told that,
“Boys will be boys and that they cannot help it.”
This all steals one’s individual power from them.
Men become disempowered by escaping responsibility for their own consciousness or lack thereof, their feelings, desires and actions, they get to turn away from and hand the reins of power over to the woman.
Women lose their power by believing this responsibility transfer and shutting themselves down, changing who they are so to not cause issues.
I believe that Namaste Moore puts its so well,
And her statement is true for ALL subjects of our life.
“People who are not conscious about their OWN power will always sound the alarm about other people’s power. People who recognize their own power… understand that no one has power over them and they have power over no one else. Freedom.”
It’s easy to see the truth in this statement when we look at some of the political and world topics of current,
But can you see its truth in our sexing and relationships as well.
Because it’s there too.
In owning that we get triggered,
In speaking up about what is stirring in us as to prevent separation from self and thus another and life,
We reclaim our power.
In pausing on our words and asking ourselves,
“Is this a statement of love or of fear?”
In looking at what our words are actually speaking,
Because often we try to compliment but in truth a transfer of our power to another is happening.
And when these transfers in power happen we create chaos in our relationships,
In communication we thus create contrast that feels uncomfortable because we are not consciously processing and taking responsibility for our own inner shadow lands.
Today look at your relationships.
Look at your sexing.
Look at your expectations and desires.
And ask yourself if you are owning your power or handing it over to someone else?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn how you can claim your power and have a turned on life and relationship?
Reach out to me today for deet’s on couples or individual coaching now.
“I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”
Maybe I have commitment issues some would say,
and I have been told this from past lovers.
They were convinced that because I refused to be labeled,
because I refused to DTR ( define the relationship) that I was not good with commitment.
They could not just accept my looks of love and desire for what they were.
They could not accept the sweet and tender vulnerable moments shared for what they were,
They could not just go with the passion shared and the hours and days or even weeks spent enthralled with each other.
No, they wanted the MF LABEL.
And for some reason, the label is what made everything real.
Not the actual effing relationship that was presenting itself each day, each moment.
No, they could not trust that.
They needed the words spoken,
just how they wanted to hear them too mind you,
for it to actually be real.
Nothing mattered but the label.
And because I am a person who understands what labels are actually about,
I have a really tough time getting down with defining any relationship for that matter.
And here is why.
You see labels and definitions of relationships have NOTHING to do with love or commitment for that matter.
They don’t have anything to do with trust either,
and they are not offering any more security for either party as well.
What they do is allow us to compartmentalize the relationship, cause separation because now we segregate this relationship from the rest of our lives.
Labels allow us to define what the relationship “should” look and feel like. How it “should” play out and what the expectations are within the pretty little box that we have put it into allows for.
Labels are often asked for because one party or both are wanting validation for their existence and level of importance in the relationship.
This validation gives a false sense of security.
Which makes the partners feel safe and believe that NOW since the relationship has been properly defined that neither party will step out of the box that it has been filed in.
And that is what DTR is all about folks.
Validation of self through another, false security and control.
Because with this DTR what we are wanting is the safety ultimately of knowing ( well believing) that our partner is now “OUR PROPERTY” as defined by the label provided.
And of course they are down with abiding by the rules of this definition.
Funny little note, most people just assume that other people’s definitions and rules of the label are exactly what their own are and never stop to discuss these important things with the person that they are trying to do a relationship with and get a label on.
In my opinion,
(and maybe…. just maybe… I have worked with just a few couples over the last few decades) that one of the major reasons so many couples are not satisfied or in full alignment with their partner is because they miss this vitally important conversation on the front side.
The conversation around, “Why do you do relationships? And what are your needs/desires/expectations within a relationship?”
Can you imagine if we started having these inquiries between ourselves and our lovers?
And what if….
what if our lovers answered authentically.
OMFG! That would be amazing.
But often because so many have limited worth and self- esteem issues,
they find themselves needing to feel safe through the validation of their partner instead and therefore answer accordingly to get the result that they want from their partner instead of being truthful and having a truly intimate conversation around their differences.
All relationships at some point come to a place where the definition sorta just manifests organically.
But it is an energy that a couple will grow into as time and depth in the relationship is established,
not some words stated because partners feel pressure from what they have been told is important to ask for come date three or month six, or whatever the f-ck timeline you are working on.
If you are among the many people out there that feels that need the label to lean and trust more,
or to not have your jealousy anymore,
or to be able to be more vulnerable or intimate with your partner,
and believes that the label is a sign of love,
then you truly need to explore what your definition of love really is about.
And ask yourself if this label is truly what you are wanting or if you are actually requesting to set up agreements with your partner as to what your relationship rules are and are not.
Then ask yourself how this desire to label and set up these tidy little box homes for your relationship to get cramped in is actually serving the relationship or your supposed love for this other person?
What if you became extremely present with your partner and chose to focus on all their good traits each time you were together?
What if instead of fearing them doing something that might destroy the relationship, you chose to commit to look for how well they are showing up in it right now and how much beauty you are enjoying with them right now?
What if you opted to actually practice authentic unconditional love with them and just wanted to enjoy them in all their radiance because your desire for them was to be that person who can hold loving space without a need to contain their soul and own them?
What if you chose to just allow them to be them and you to be you?
What if you choose consciously to come into the relationship each new day as though it was a new relationship that you were excited and appreciative of?
What if you started to define your relationship by saying,
” I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”
Can you imagine how much more depth, love, compassion, witnessing, love, trust, and joy would come through your partner and the relationship?
Or continue on your path,
you know the one.
The one that has you believing that controlling your partner and defining your relationship and owning them as property in any f-cking fashion is LOVE.
And enjoy all the trauma that creates and the broken expectations and pain.
Because that is the result when we attempt to control the human spirit and not allow others to live authentically.
Not to mention,
When we do this it is only supporting our fear and at our core we feel the out of alignment that is caused with God and our soul.
Level Up Your Love Now.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to level up your relationship or learn more on authentic relating skills that can rekindle, ignite and bring average relationships into Enlightened?
Reach out to me about my Passion Coaching for Couples Program today.