IF YOU EVER LOVED ME.
If you ever loved me you would not let me hurt like this.
If you ever loved me you would rethink your actions.
If you ever loved me you would take the time to hear me.
If you ever loved me you would want to share.
If you ever loved me you would give me closure.
If you ever loved me you would make this all go away.
And so many other if you ever statements.
Boy, oh boy do I ever understand the pain of loss.
The pain of break up, divorce, seperation, being lied to and abandoned.
I understand how it feels when our worlds crash,
when our beautiful plans seize to exist,
and it all seems like it happens within a flash of time.
How can this other person who loves us,
or at least proclaimed that they did,
or at very least said that they cared,
just walk away?
How can they turn their backs to us and just keep on living their lives?
Don’t they care?
And so the story of love and loss goes on throughout all time.
And so our hearts expand and we are elated when those that we love are turned toward us,
and when they are no longer by our side we crash into pain and suffering. Feeling abandoned.
Feeling as though we spent all this time in a lie.
It just cannot be so.
It certainly is not fair or right,
and we don’t have it coming to us.
I mean how is it possible that this sort of thing could be of our own doing?
“THAT” other person made those decisions,
acted that way, said those things and lied to us,
after all. We would not bring this upon ourselves.
Well I can tell you this beautiful,
YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID BRING IT UPON YOURSELF.
One of two things happened.
Your vibe either went up past the other person or it crashed below them.
Either way it held there for a long enough period of time and was a great enough difference in frequency that the two of you were no longer in alignment and thus the relationship had to end.
So which direction did you go?
This is actually the important thing to question if you truly give a sh*t about your future and who you are.
If you love yourself that is.
And so many people just don’t.
Hope that this is not you though.
You can tell what direction you went by looking at your thoughts,
your feelings and your actions.
If you are the one who leveled up your frequency then this relationship transition will be pretty smooth and easy. You may be in pain, you may feel a tad lost, you may want closure even but at the end of the day you will recognize that the most loving this you can ever offer someone is space to expand, to be them and to have a beautiful life with or without you and in this case it means without you. That may be a stinger, but a high vibe soul will walk away in love and know that the lessons offered in that relationship were powerful, perfect and have helped them gain clarity in who they are and what they want. A high vibe soul will know that what they need to do now is turn their full attention to themselves and clearing out anything that no longer serves them from within.
A high vibe soul will be in appreciation and gratitude for the relationship and the break up.
Yep I said that.
Gratitude for the break up,
because they see its purpose.
However, a low vibe soul will flounder in pain, suffering and blame.
They will demand attention and stomp around like a three year old having a tantrum. They will act out in childish ways, trying to cause pain in hope of gaining attention from the one they lost. They will not be able to take responsibility for their part in the transition and they will feel as though they simply cannot move forward until the other person does this or that to clear things up for them.
They will focus on fear and they will want the other to feel pain as well.
They will not see the growth and opportunity that the transition brings with it, but instead see destruction and attack.
A low vibe soul cannot see past their own ego to find the love that was there in the relationship and still remains.
A low vibe soul is caught in their own inner hell where they will reside until they choose to view life differently and take responsibility for the events, thoughts and feelings that are all thiers. They will be destined to repeat the drama that they believe is happening to them over and over again, where they will mask themselves from their beauty, their core and alignment to God all in the concept that “it’s not fair.”
So you see beautiful,
It is very important that you know what direction you went in the transition. It says bundles as to where you are now and what you are manifesting for your future.
It shows just how much love you have for yourself and whether you understand how powerful you are.
Because you are powerful.
You co-created this transition for the purpose of becoming more of WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
No matter the direction you went ( up or down in frequency) this fact remains the same.
Now the only thing you need worry about is not if the other loved you, or still does, but if you love you enough to let go and thrive.
You are so f-cking worthy of a F-ck Yes! Life.
It’s time that you recognize that and see that ALL relationships are here to elevate you, educate you and clarify what you want and who you really are.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to kick 2021 off with a high vibe and call in the relationship of your dreams? Meet your soulmate and know that you really got this? Message me for deet’s on what I have in store to make just this happen and more for YOU.
DESIRABLE DOES NOT MEAN ACCEPTED.
Today I was speaking to a man that told me that he thought that I was a highly desirable woman.
Yesterday I was having lunch with a man who told me that he just thinks that the rest of the world looks at me the way he does and sees me in that way.
A few days ago, I was working with a man who said, “Wow, if I could just find someone like you.”
Last week an old lover of mine told me that he never stopped desiring and loving me.
And a few years ago a man who crept into my space and heart told me how desirable I was, and he did so daily for some time.
Prior to him, there were a few more men who claimed the same.
And they all said that they loved me for who I was,
for my radiance, my glow, my light.
They loved how playful and turned on I was to life.
They loved witnessing me with my family,
and watching me teach classes.
They loved my out of the box ways, even though it made them breathe, because they knew that it meant that they needed to grow and that they wanted to be a better man by being around me.
All of these men said that I awoke them to a greater understanding of who they were,
I brought desire back into their lives,
and they never expected that from a relationship in this way.
Each of these men,
beautiful, dynamic men,
from my past are just that…
from my past.
They are not in my current nor in my future,
and even though I hold great love and gratitude for each of them for the lessons that we shared and what they awoke inside of me,
they all share one thing in common outside of believing that I am desirable.
And that is that they could not ever fully accept me.
Yes that highly desirable woman,
that goddess on her knees,
that siren in the bedroom,
that nurturing caring woman who loves her family dearly,
that coach, presenter, teacher who has passion without edge for her work,
that outspoken, take no shit,
got no f-cks left to give about how you view me desirable woman,
who loves to play, has a big heart,
struggles with her own insecurities and fears,
her own lack of worthiness and shame,
but does her damn work each and every day,
because that is the only thing that keeps her going strong.
Yes that desirable woman.
They could not really embrace.
They loved all those pieces,
they wanted me to hold them up,
to be all of me.
To shine as bright as the north star in the heavens.
And loved the light that cascaded down on them.
But they could not handle it. They feared it in truth.
That highly desirable woman.
well there was one great issue they had not conceived of yet,
that on their arm there I was.
Still highly desirable,
not just by them but by many.
and because my light attracted others,
this they feared.
so without understanding,
they all chose their own way to hide from the light,
or maybe better to dim the light as to make it not as attractive to all the competition.
And so the timeless story of boy meets girl,
boy falls in love with girl,
boy gets girl,
boy kills girl,
Not an actual physical death in my case,
but a killing of my radiance over time.
Through fear, shame, guilt, manipulation and falsities,
These men of my past have all fallen prey.
In their deep love and admiration of all that I am and can be,
they could not stand in the light and feel strong in the knowledge that others saw it too.
And so they ventured to take the star down from the heavens to keep it safe.
Not understanding that it was the death of the star or of the relationship with the star.
Now, some of these men would tell you that they fully accepted me, others would be more truthful and admit that it was too much for them,
they all would say that they had no desire to actually put out or even dim the light.
Because they loved that light and they all wanted me to be the best me that I could ever be.
They would tell you that it was not me that they did not fully accept, it was instead some of my ways, some of my beliefs, some of my desires or needs.
They would tell you that I triggered their past wounds.
They would tell you that I triggered their insecurity.
They would tell you that I was too outspoken, or out of the box in my relating.
They would tell you that it takes a lot to hang with me,
to breathe into some of the conversations that happen on a daily, moment to moment basis,
or that my flirty natural state of being was concerning.
They would tell you all of these things.
And they would say it was those things that caused the issues.
And I say what about those things are any different then the list above that you loved and desired so?
it is the triggers, the wounds, the fears and insecurities.
That is what is different.
And therefore these beautiful, lovely, dynamic men of my past simply could never accept me for their own inner saga of thoughts turning to emotions and leading down the path of needing me to “just not be so bright.”
Well at least not so bright for anyone but them.
Just shine on me.
because it was the competition,
the fear of losing the highly desirable woman that they had on their arm and in their bed that was actually the issue.
And since that was linked to me,
Well the solution was simple…
STOP BEING SO DAMN DESIRABLE.
Surely then they would feel safe.
They would be happy.
They could feel strong, stable and confident.
Just so long as I was not so desirable.
So wanted by others.
Change who you are babe,
but don’t change a thing.
Be you 100% babe,
just don’t make me feel insecure by being you.
Be confident, playful, sexy babe,
but only behind closed doors where others will not want for you.
I love the way you look babe,
But don’t look that way in public.
Yes these lovely men from my past,
love them I certainly do,
and so many men out there believe that they love their highly desirable woman fully as well,
but I ask you if that is true?
Can you feel strong and confident in her presence?
Can you feel strong and confident in the knowing that she is wanted by others but chooses you?
Can you feel your power more intensely by being with her,
or do you shake inside and feel the need to fight to keep all others at bay?
Does her beauty and intelligence scare you?
Her lack of need shakes fear to your core?
Does the fact that you cannot control her fluster and irritate?
These are the questions my love.
These you must answer truthfully,
for if you answer in accordance to keep her but it is not your truth,
you will only lose her all the quicker.
THE DESIRABLE IS OFTEN NOT ACCEPTED,
This is the reality of life.
we desire to alter to our wishes,
believing that we can hold it without question,
believing that we have what it takes,
and so we lie about our truth,
we fall prey to fear and triggers,
but we forget that the answer is always the same…
unconditional love and acceptance,
is the foundation to everything beautiful and long term.
It cannot be forced.
It can not be faked.
You either have it or you don’t and if you don’t it means that you need to go within and find it for yourself before you can ever proclaim it for another.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
*Photo Credit @DandeLionImages
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF….
I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANT YOUR SEX…
HIS SEX… HIS SEX… AND HIS…..
That’s a hard pill to swallow no matter if you are a man or a woman hearing it from your partner.
When the one you have invested your life with,
shared so many firsts with,
are doing this thing called life with,
comes to you and says that they desire to explore another,
or a few others.
The first reaction is fear.
The next anger.
And then you question,
“whats wrong with me, why am I not good enough.”
It feels like your partner has just told you that you mean nothing to them.
It feels like they just drove a million swords into your heart,
into your love and happiness.
And you find yourself not trusting.
feeling lonely, jealous and mad AF!
Whether they have acted on the desire of exploring another or not,
Most people struggle with their partners sharing a hunger for anyone but them.
Most feel threatened that their partner would ever even admire someone else.
Let alone say that they may want to explore someone else.
This goes against everything that we have taught since marriage came into play thousands of years ago.
But I tell you this little tidbit of truth in relationships.
No matter if you are in a monogamous or open relationship,
it is crazy stupid to think that all our desire,
all our noticing of others,
all of our attractions end for anyone else on this planet and is to ONLY be directed toward the one that we have sworn our sex too, our hearts too, our lives with.
The belief that desiring another is not healthy is perhaps one of the most toxic beliefs that can fall into a relationship.
It causes shame, guilt and separation in the relationship.
It prevents each party from being truly authentic with self or each other, and it creates a victim mindset.
Think about it,
In our culture that values but does not uphold monogamy we have programmed ourselves to believe everything that is not coming from love.
We say that we unconditionally love someone.
We say that we value honesty and truth above anything.
we say that we want our partner to shine,
to be happy and feel their best.
We claim that freedom is high on our list of desires.
We say that we do not want to own anyone.
And then we do everything in our power to do just the opposite.
And we start by preventing our partner from feeling their truth.
and ourselves as well.
We start by saying that from here forth we are it for each other.
Neither of us will EVER think about, look at or have a desire for anything or anyone outside of this relationship.
And if one of us do,
well we certainly better never admit it,
but if we do have a thought or feeling and it gets seen by the other then that will cause great jealousy and fear.
It will prove that the desiring partner is not to be trusted.
It will prove that the love was not real.
It will prove that there is a lack of commitment.
Here we have some of the greatest lies told to humans in relationships.
THE LIE THAT JEALOUSY IS NORMAL AND IT IS AN INDICATOR OF LOVE.
Jealousy has zero to do with love and everything to do with fear and lack of self-worth. It is about controlling someone else through emotional warfare to hold them in place to where we remain comfortable and feel safe. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity in the one feeling it and has NOTHING to do with actual love.
THE LIE THAT YOU SHOULD MEET YOUR PARTNERS EVERY NEED AND IF YOU DON’T THEN YOU ARE INADEQUATE OR THEY ARE TOO NEEDY.
This is a most unreal expectation placed on all of us in a relationship.
No one will ever be able to meet someone elses every need. No where else in our life experience are we expected to fulfill every need met for any person in our lives, children, friends or work related, we understand that it takes a village to meet all the needs. However when it comes to our sexual/romantic relationships we believe differently.
Here we get trapped in the concept that our partner MUST be our everything. That they must complete us. And if they do not or we cannot for them then we are not good enough or they are not. If we do everything that we can to fulfill every need and fall short then perhaps our partners are too needy, perhaps they want for too much and are even using us or taking us for granted.
When in truth these expectations are simply unreal, causing shame, guilt and feelings of a lack of worthiness or enoughness in one or both parties.
THE IDEA THAT YOUR INSECURITIES ARE YOUR PARTNER’S RESPONSIBILITY TO TIP TOE AROUND AND NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK ON.
We are told that if our partner loves us then they will do everything in their power to not hurt us. To not harm our feelings and that if our feelings get hurt that it is a direct attack from someone who is being selfish and uncaring. We walk into a relationship expecting the other to magically never trigger us into any negative feelings or thoughts and to be able to read our past memories and current moods and thoughts without us having to say anything to them. And when they do not… OMFG! how disrespectful and uncaring.
The blame game is among one of our favorite games to play because it takes our responsibility away from managing ourselves and allows us to manipulate our partners emotions by having them believe that they are so powerful because of the love that we hold for them to make or break us in any given moment. We expect them to change and to grow, to become better so that we can somehow avoid the hassle of ownership of our own mind, hearts and actions. “You made me feel….” ” You should have known…” etc.
The truth is that NO ONE is responsible for our feelings or thoughts. Our hyperactive sensitivity has nothing to with this world or anyone else in it, instead it shows how insecure we are in ourselves about who we are and how we choose to turn over our power consistently in the pursuit to get what we want the most in that moment… control over someone else’s actions, thoughts and feelings. The only person who can ever help us or change us is the person in the mirror and until we fall in love with that person and fully accept them in all their humanness we will never feel secure in the arms of another.
THE BELIEF THAT COMMITMENT IS SYNONYMOUS WITH EXCLUSIVITY.
Commitment = Exclusivity is the common belief. If you desire or need any other romantic/sexual or emotional relationship then you are not committed. Matter a fact you are considered to have commitment fears and issues. This is sort of like saying if you have more than one child you can only be committed to one child and none of the others. There is only so much love to go around. Only so much concern. If you are committed then you should not ever have any curiosity. You should never feel a connection with anyone else.
And if you do, well you are not committed. You are not to be trusted. And certainly do not value the love that you share.
When the truth is that these two are not the same.
To be committed is to be dedicated and loyal to someone.
That does not mean that you have to exclude every other person from your life and all relationships that may trigger your partner.
Commitment is something that is unique by definition to each individual, because loyalty or dedication means something different to each.
Yet in many relationships we believe that once we are with someone that we can no longer have friends of the opposite sex, that we have to be completely different around the opposite sex, and we have to close off our personalities, close down the things that we enjoy and avoid at all cost or risk the perception that we are not committed in our relationship. This also comes back to the concept that we are responsible for our partners’ insecurities.
But it is not true.
THE IDEA THAT YOUR VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY THEY SPEND WITH YOU, AND ZERO-SUM COMPETITION WITH EVERYTHING ELSE THEY VALUE IN LIFE – INCLUDING OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.
When we are in a romantic relationship we feel like we need to attach at the hip. After all, this person is our person. This is our best friend, our lover, our life partner. We should want to spend as much time together as possible, right. And if they care, if they really love us then there will be zero competition with anything else in their lives. They will want to be with us more than they want to learn that new skill, or play with their hobby, more than they want to work on themselves or build their career, and they most certainly will ALWAYS choose us over any other relationship.
Just because we are in a romantic relationship does not mean that all of our desire for everything else should go away. It does not mean that we stop wanting to explore and expand alone. It does not mean that we must spend every possible waking moment together nor that we need to experience every first with each other. These are ridiculous, illogical ideas that can not be manifested without killing desire for our partner and creating boredom.
In order for us to crave our partners we must expand as an individual. We must have a life outside of our mate. So often people feel like they have lost themselves, that they don’t know who they are anymore or that their partner does not see them anymore. This all stems from the fact that they prevented the space for growth as an individual and thus lost the magic of the relationship.
THE IDEA THAT BEING OF VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER SHOULD ALWAYS MAKE UP A LARGE PORTION OF HOW YOU VALUE YOURSELF.
You complete me is a common statement that you hear in romantic relationships. The idea of being completed by someone lends to it the concept that because we feel fulfilled by a relationship that if that person ever changes or needs for something else or more that in turn we are not of as much value to them therefore we lose our own self-value because the thing that shows of the evidence of being worthy and valuable/lovable has changed.
This is crazy. Self-worth, love and value should never be sought for or hinge on anything outside of ourselves and our relationship to self and if we believe in God then to God or Source. The outside world and everyone in it just like ourselves are ever changing. We have no control over what occurs outside of ourselves and if we hinge our value on such we will never be strong in who we are or know ourselves. We will never feel safe or be able to trust.
THE IDEA THAT THERE IS A “ONE” OR SOULMATE AND THAT THIS INSURMOUNTABLE LOVE CAN OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLES OR DIFFERENCES.
We buy into the idea that there is only “one” true love and that when we find it that it will be able to conquer all challenges. However, when that does not happen then we feel shortchanged, untrusting and question if love even exists. The reality is that love, any love has its limits because we do not think of love in an unconditional way. We mix love up with need therefore the love that we desire to achieve in our relationships often comes with many hidden expectations as well as feelings of a need to control it out of fear of losing it.
The concept of “the one” is beautiful and brings with it the idea that we are uniquely made just for someone else, meaning that we are indispensable to our partner. However this like so many other toxic beliefs in relationships is illogical. We each are unique no matter what, however if we are so needed by someone else is that love or need that is ruling our relationship and thus heart and with that is there any room for each individual to grow, change or transform as life will do to all of us? There is not under the guise of this belief. Because if we evolve as individuals then we may grow out of certain needs with our soulmate. Thus creating separation and a disconnect if both are not growing singularly as well as a couple.
In truth what we see with “the one” is that we are each “the one” for RIGHT NOW for someone and they for us. And maybe that relationship is romantic, maybe it is not. But what we are to gain from the relationship experience is a greater knowing of self through the experience of another who challenges us, triggers us and calls us forth to become so much more of who we truly are.
These relationship myths and beliefs are an under current to our society. They are put on pedestals in our culture from movies and songs, to paintings and literature. They are focused upon in our spiritual study and ingrained in us from our pastors, family and friends.
All of them lead us to a false concept of love.
Unreal expectations of relationships for self and our partners and separation of self by preventing us from not owning our hearts, our thoughts and feelings, let alone our desires and needs out of fear of losing what we call love that is actually control over another.
No matter the label that you put on your relationship the question that you should ask of yourself and your partner of RIGHT NOW is,
“Can I be me unapologetically and authentically without a fear of losing you because of me being me? “
If you can both answer yes truthfully then you have love and acceptance of self and each other. These are the building blocks to an ever evolving relationship and life.
If not, then you need to ask yourself if sacrificing yourself for your lifetime will ever bring you the happiness and love that you are hoping it will?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn more about authentic relating and how to develop a relationship based in unconditional love? Reach out to me to learn more about my couples and individual coaching today.
It’s time to realize that you are worthy of a beautiful relationship.
WHY I DON’T DO BIRTH CONTROL HORMONES….
And WHY I don’t believe that any conscious woman should.
That sounds crazy right?
Birth control is a smart thing.
And science has created a way for us to take charge of if we have children or not. There are so many options in today’s world from a multitude of birth control pills, shots, films, sponges, rings, etc. etc.
Not only are we protected 99.9% from unwanted pregnancy but we also can have clearer skin, lighter periods even fewer periods and have certainty as to when our flow is. Something that can get altered when you are not on hormone based birth control.
Birth control puts the woman in a power position for sure.
But here is the thing…
Before you string me up to crucify me and say well Kendal, no wonder you have seven children, you don’t do birth control. I want to share a few scientific things with you after my intimacy share on my seven children.
You see many years ago, like 29 years ago I was fifteen years old.
I was a virgin. Never even been kissed. And I had regular periods that were always on time, I had clear skin because I have always been conscious of the food going in my body, my skin’s health and hydration. So no pimply faced girl here, even back then.
AND there were zero boys in my world.
But my mom, being a concerned mom for her little girl that was becoming a woman took me to the gyno and told me that I needed to get on birth control to….(ready for the silliness…)
Get my period regulated and help with my skin, limit my breakouts.
My argument was that I did not want chemicals in my body when there was no reason for them. And the reasons given made no sense for all that I already shared that my mom knew clearly.
But mom said, so I did.
But I started taking birth control pills regardless of the facts.
Of course not long thereafter a boy popped up in my world.
And after a year of dating we had sex.
Unprotected sex because I was on the pill, so we had nothing to worry about.
We had a ton of unprotected sex.
Because there was nothing to worry about.
And no one bothered to inform me of anything different.
Condoms were known of,
they were spoken of,
but no one made a big deal out of them,
it was all about the pill.
Time went on and the boy and I broke up.
I quickly ( like 3 months later, quickly) found myself in bed with a man, who would become my husband shortly thereafter. We moved quickly into sex, unprotected sex because we had nothing to worry about, I was on the pill.
Well life got crazy, and I missed a pill.
Not knowing that I was fertile myrtle, I ended up pregnant right off the bat from one missed pill.
Welcome to the world child #1.
After birthing her, I got back on the pill,
one month I developed a bladder infection and took medication for it that canceled out my birth control but the doctor did not warn me and I was young and undereducated, and so welcome child #2.
Then… then I got smart…
I decided to get this new thing called the Depo Shot…
and my marriage was unhappy as hell so I ended up cheating on my husband, well the Depo Shot had no clue how fertile I was, because somehow someway it did not work and welcome child #3.
I had no clue what had taken place and my doctor suggested that I go on this other new birth control pill because it was to be really good, AND it supposedly would not cause the weight gain, the mood changes or fatigue that I was getting from the Depo Shot…
and so I did.
Well life got stressful again,
and we moved residences, we fought horribly, we moved again, and somehow in the midst of the chaos I ended up pregnant again.
Welcome child #4.
I grew tired of all the keeping track of four children under 10 and the pill that had to be taken at the same time each day or it would fuck up, plus my moods were no better. I was feeling lost in myself.
So I went back to the Depo Shot, thinking that maybe after all these years it got better. At very least I only had to deal with it once every three months. In the midst of depression and despair I found myself on the Depo Shot, 30 pounds heavier then what I should be and pregnant yet again with child #5. The doctor could not understand how I could get pregnant two times on the depo shot without any medication interference, but it happened.
And THEN my husband had had enough….
He got clipped.
And I got off ALL hormone based birth control.
And you know what happened?
I found myself again.
The weight dropped off with ease.
My mind cleared.
My mood stabilized.
My periods were not as fierce and painful.
My immune system improved.
I felt so much better.
but now I had one massive issue.
Every time I had sex with my husband,
my body rejected the sex.
I would break out in a burning mess.
My pussy was pissed at the experience.
And I was not wanting anything to do with him.
I was unattracted, turned off and could not bring myself to even really be willing to go into any sexual experience with him.
At one point I even thought I might be allergic to his semen.
And so that thought led me down a path of discovery.
Turned out that we women can be allergic to a man’s semen.
Also turns out that hormone based birth control has a major impact on a woman’s immune system, and moods.
And do you want to know what the most astounding tidbit that I discovered was and is the MAIN REASON why I am sharing this post… the main reason why I do not take it and instead preach condoms… (outside of the sheer fact that the birth control pill does not protect against disease of any sort)…
“…contraceptive pill use alters mate preferences, women who had taken hormonal contraceptives while meeting their partner and later discontinued their usage (as many do when they wish to conceive) may feel disenchanted with their initial partner choice. Indeed, the use of hormonal contraceptives may not only affect initial partner choice but also have unintended consequences for women’s relationship satisfaction if contraceptive pill use subsequently changes. Prior studies have provided evidence for this hypothesis, indicating that women who had used hormonal contraceptives when they first met their partner and then ceased to take them experience lower levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction5 and are more likely to get divorced….” (Gurit Birnbaum, Ph.D., is a professor at the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology, the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya. Psychology Today)
I believe that any conscious woman who wants to develop a truly loving and connected relationship with a man should be aware that if she is on a hormone based contraceptive that she is most likely not getting the right reading of the man.
It has been my discovery since the days of birth control and myself that my attraction is opposite to what it used to be.
After all we get into relationships not just for the purpose of starting up a family or getting a dad for our kids from our previous relationships. Typically we are looking for love and connection. We are wanting long term satisfaction, happiness and attraction to our mate. So why not create the most conscious space for it. A space where our body wisdom can be heard?
Of course that would also mean that we would have to be willing to want to hear it.
And even more importantly it would require all of us women who desire to be standing strong in our personal power to also be willing to speak our truth and ask for our needs to be met around sex and sexual practices more, instead of just spreading our legs and letting the men in our lives do as they want unconsciously.
It would require us to speak up about safe sex.
It would require us to value ourselves enough to not just ask but demand that protection be used,
and if we are truly not wanting to have any children to have the conversations with our partner(s) around this.
We are not taught as a people to have this sort of real, open relating. We are not taught as women that we can ask and even demand that our bodies be respected as we choose.
We are not warned of the possible and common complications that can impact our bodies as well as our desires and psyche from such things as contraceptives, but we are taught as women that it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to make sure that we take care of that fertility thing.
I for one wish my mother had never stolen this right from me. I wish that my body had been given the opportunity to fully mature without extra hormones and all the issues that it has been known to cause on an undeveloped female productive system. I wish that I had been better educated in my youth about sex and sexual health and rights. I wish that someone had been there to guide me better and give me the option as to what to do with my body and explain everything instead of pushing me down what was considered normal and healthy, responsible.
At the end of the day,
The most loving and responsible thing we can do for ourselves as women and for the men we choose to do relationships with is to come into that relationship as OURSELVES. Not altered by chemicals.
For the same reasons it is not a healthy practice to have sex drunk or under the influence of drugs,
we should not be having sex under the influence of hormones that are not of our own bodies design.
Perhaps we would find that more people would be happy in the relationship choices that they make.
Perhaps more people would not go through all the depression and lostness if they could be authentically themselves.
Perhaps more women would not be labeled “CRAZY” if they were not being bounced around by pharmaceuticals in the pursuit to make pregnancy all the woman’s responsibility and take away the responsibility of the men to be conscious of their bodies, their control and health.
Just random thoughts from a mother of three daughters of her own.
A woman who values her relationships with men, and wants to only get involved with those that are authentically “right” for me…
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Time to claim your truth is beautiful.
Time to say yes to valuing yourself, to loving yourself and knowing who you really are.
But in order to do this you have to desire to fall in love with the real you.
And if you are looking for love and success,
but wonder why it is always just out of grasp then maybe it’s really time for you to explore your truth.
From sexual health choices to learning your authentic yes and no,
you have never been told its okay to be YOU.
I am here to reveal to you that it is more than OKAY.
It is your duty to your happiness to do just that.
Reach out to me to discover options for coaching today.
LOVE SHOULD BE PERFECT.
And yet it never is.
A long time ago when I was living in Seattle, Washington I was attending a church in Kent with a pastor that I adored. I learned so much from Pastor Jack. He was focused on teaching the congregation about blessings, about our glory and how that translated into the law of attraction.
I still make use of his teachings today with my clients almost daily and in my shares here with you as well.
Among my favorite things he shared were,
“More than enough with plenty left over.”
Which always commanded in the belief and feeling that we are always provided for,
that we always have more than enough in the things that we need with plenty left to share.
And that the leftovers are there for us to do just that …..SHARE.
And then his other reminder of truth that I have kept in my heart and mind all these years was focused toward relationships….
The relationship of marriage.
And in today’s world,
which even though greatly different than that of just 15 years ago when Pastor Jack was preaching his wisdom to me,
is still all the same.
His words of truth were simple.
“Marry your best friend.”
Those words made me look at my marriage,
and perhaps were words that supported me to divorce a few years later. Although back then I would have felt the need to confirm that I was best friends with my then husband,
the reality was not that we were best friends.
We got along on a ton of items,
but I found that I had to restrict myself in so many ways,
and that was not friendship,
and certainly not best friends.
When I am working with couples today in my coaching practice many come to me troubled and on the cusp of a breaking up because of so many things…
*Not enough sex or bad sex.
*Abuse of one kind or another.
*Lack of sexual desire.
And most couples will start off their tale by telling me that they are best friends with their spouse,
that they can tell them anything,
that they have fantastic communication.
fill in the blank from above list here.
They believe that if they had more sex/better sex or a stronger desire for their partner,
if they were physically attracted more to them,
if they had more money in the bank,
or what have you that their marriage would be perfect.
Now the reality is that if you are in an abusive relationship ( no matter what that looks like) that chances are you need to get out of it because an abusive partner often does not see their wrong and change,
if you are in a relationship that has suffered from infidelity,
There can be work done and you can repair it and even come back stronger than ever before if love and communication/friendship is at the front stage of both parties minds.
The desire for more sex, better sex or having more desire for your partner… .these things can be detrimental if the friendship and love are not there first and if both parties are not open to raw, real discussions based in truth and love to work on these challeneges,
but if both parties are wanting the connection and can be emotionally mature to take responsibility for self and speak their truth and work together on these items,
then you can have a deeply strong bond and the sex and desire can grow from it.
The relationships that come to me wanting these things,
often have one MAJOR obstacle however…
One partner is stubborn and refuses to see the truth.
Refuses to take the matter seriously or take the time and effort required to build this part of the relationship. They don’t believe that it is their problem and that the other partner is to blame for it and needs the fixing.
However that is never the case.
Relationships are always a two way street.
It always requires both people to want to connect and come together. It requires both parties to take responsibility for themselves and to not get caught up in their old wounds from the past.
Unfortunately, this is where the relationship breaks down.
People often don’t want to do this.
They want the easy street and they say,
“Love should be easy.”
“Love should be perfect.”
We are all human.
And there is no such thing as the perfect human.
If you have a list of fifty qualities that you want and count highly important in a mate,
and you believe that you will get ALL of these qualities in one person and until you get them all that you will not settle,
I ask you to look in the mirror and ask of yourself if you exhibit all fifty of them yourself?
You are never going to find someone who is 100% of those qualities a hundred percent of the time.
They are human.
You are human.
And life changes and transforms us.
Some qualities can be developed over time.
Some are just there and a natural part of who we are,
some are based on energetic connections,
while others have everything to do with our gene pool.
If you are counting any of these qualities as love though,
you are mistaken.
Qualities do not define love.
They add to love.
They sweeten the pot.
Love is something that you cannot explain,
nor does it need to be explained.
It just is.
And when it is felt on both sides now you have something special.
LOVE COMES FROM BEING ABLE TO BE YOURSELF WITH SOMEONE ELSE, UNMASKED.
When we can do this with someone,
we feel acceptance and love for self and it translates to “loving someone else” because we see the reflection of what we are feeling for self as what we see coming or going toward another.
When we “fall in love” or catch feels for someone,
what is actually happening is that we are witnessing ourselves in love. We are falling in love with self and this other person is simply helping us see our own beauty.
That is why the best friend statement is so powerful.
In friendship there is an acceptance, an unconditional love.
It goes past all that life can change for us,
like our physical bodies appearance,
our health or financial status,
it looks past our ups and downs and even past the chemical connectors that we have on the front side of a romantic relationship that over the course of three to five years diminish and change.
But for some reason, we humans believe that love should be perfect.
That these connecting chemicals should ALWAYS be there,
that the energy and excitement of the first kiss is the way that we will remain throughout all of time,
that the person who is standing before us perfect in their skin of today will never change,
that the feelings that we are having will just remain unwavering.
Or that if we do not have all these sudden rushes of ignition but that we do deeply care and connect in all other ways that this is not or cannot be real love.
That it is “ONLY FRIENDSHIP” and we in turn lower it to that level and get frustrated that we cannot find Mr. or Mrs. Perfect that checks all of our boxes on our list of fifty all of the time.
And so we remain living in search of something that has been offered to us repeatedly. Believing that if we explore,
if we open ourselves to the love that is there before us and go as deep as we can with it that we are settling,
we are giving up,
that if they don’t have everything that they are not Mr. or Mrs. Perfect and instead are a waste of our precious time.
What we are doing to ourselves in this is denying ourselves the beauty of discovery of love.
Love is a quest of self.
Love is about finding out who we really are through our relating with another.
It is about meeting all aspects of self,
and without relationship we will never meet our authentic selves at any depth.
When we continue to look for perfection in a mate,
What we are actually saying is that we ourselves are not worthy of our own love until we become PERFECT as well.
So how will you ever find Mr. or Mrs. Perfect if you prevent yourself from growing into your whole beautiful self by denying love to be birthed through a relationship with another imperfect human who is there as your teacher of self love?
Chances are your relationship with anyone will not last in a forever sense.
That reality although harsh is still a reality.
We outgrow each other,
and as we change sometimes our mates choose a path of slower or limited growth that creates a breaking point in the relationship,
but if we have come together in friendship and love,
then even the parting is done in the same fashion.
And we each can gain what we need for our own development.
It’s time that we start to view relationships and even marriage as the opportunity to explore self and learn to love deeply through the witnessing of another that rivets us deeper into our truth.
Love is always perfect.
It is always perfect for the moment that the relationship is in.
It is never easy,
but it can always be in flow with who we are.
We create our own obstacles to feeling it by trying to make it perfect in every moment and getting irritated with the reality that love, true love requires each party to grow in connection with self first.
Where does your love stand?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn more about how self-love helps create the grounds to call in your soulmate love today? Reach out to me today for deet’s on 1:1 coaching now.
IT TAKES COURAGE TO HAVE AN AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP.
I have this belief that ALL…
Yes ALL people who are in an intimate relationship with another need to go through the inquiry and inner work as well and relating work that those who have successful open relationships do.
I believe that no matter how you label your relationship,
that you should explore authentic relating for what it really means.
Most monogamous couples “think” they know each other.
“Think” they love each other unconditionally.
“Think” they are best friends and trust each other.
“Think” they are doing it right and will have success.
Most people who decide to open up their relationships choose to do so at a low period in their primary relationship and “think” that opening up will fix something.
“Think” that you can just overnight shift gears and that this thing called inner work and couples work to set agreements, learn each other and communicate are not needed.
That you can go zero to 100 overnight so to speak.
Both cases are detrimental to the relationship.
And it’s because the number one issue in relationships is communication.
And I am sure you may be among the many who believes that you communicate well with your partner.
You may think that you got this fully taken care of ,
but I ask you, is this true?
98% of couples that I have worked with over the last 15+ years come in telling me that they are good if not great communicators,
that their partner is their bestie and they can tell them anything.
But not three sessions into coaching and the truth is discovered.
They suck at communication.
Because they keep it at a surface level.
There is no depth in relating.
And if they touch on depth,
it causes confrontation,
triggers old wounds and fears,
and both parties end up dancing in their ego’s and speaking from their pain bodies instead of their heart centers.
So they avoid it.
They shut their truth down,
they tell their partners a softer version or nothing at all,
and they hide the best they can from themselves for as long as they can as to not rock the perfect picture of a loving connected relationship that they are wanting to paint.
When the hard fact is that they have challenges.
It takes courage to speak up in a relationship.
It takes courage to be real in a relationship.
It takes courage to listen without trying to change, control or freak out about what might be being shared in a relationship.
It takes courage to remain stable inside yourself when living authentically with another.
And it takes courage to be raw and real with yourself so you can do all the above.
But f-ck is it worth it,
just like you are worth it and so is your relationship.
You see, if you are among the many who are not operating at this level of authentic relationship but desire open communication, unconditional love, acceptance, honesty and truth in the relationship and from your partner,
then how is it ever going to be possible if you live hiding from yourself and basing your feelings and actions in fear of losing your partner?
If you are making your partner responsible for your happiness and worthiness then how can they ever just be themselves and state their truth to you?
If you are holding expectations as to what they need to do, how they need to act then how can they share their truth with you about anything that may pose a difficult conversation? And how is this unconditional love?
If you define yourself based on your relationship,
which simply means you are not strong in WHO YOU ARE,
then how can you be truthful with another?
To be authentic, truthful and honest with another you first must KNOW YOURSELF and be strong at your core so you are not rocked by another.
Remember that humans are fickle.
We ebb and flow,
we all are live waves in our feelings, emotions, thoughts and that we get caught in our wounds as well as our desires.
In authentic relating we understand that
there is your business,
there is my business,
and there is God’s business,
and that we each are ONLY RESPONSIBLE for one of those.
Anything else is sticking our noses where they are not needed.
The most unconditional loving person is the person who knows themselves, loves themselves first, and can embrace their shadow self as well as their glorious light.
They know their worth and it is not dependent on any outside source.
This is a person who can love deeply and unconditionally.
This is a person who can truly be honest and real.
This is a person who is self-empowered and therefore has the ability to allow for their partner to grow, to speak, to change.
As it is so intended.
relationships need to evolve over time.
This means that both parties need to do the same.
Expecting ourselves, our partners or the relationship to remain the same,
causes stagnation to our individual growth and the evolution of our love and relationships.
This is the coward’s path.
And it typically results in two things:
It takes courage to relate authentically.
It takes courage to relate in unconditional love.
It takes courage to catch our control issues in a relationship.
It takes courage to see our fear based actions, feelings and thoughts for what they are… fear of our own inadequacies, fear of our worthiness and lack of value, the lack of personal acceptance cast onto our partner, and fear of abandonment.
But when we stand in courage and face our truth,
love ourselves through our fears,
we open the gates to deep, penetrative love and acceptance with our partner.
THIS is what we all crave and desire.
You are worthy of this beauty.
You are worthy of this sort of love.
Offer it to yourself and your partner today,
by starting with seeing YOURSELF authentically and leaning into those difficult conversations.
Reach out to me if you want information on how to go about just this and more.
Learn authentic relating no matter your relationship title to create an evolved loving relationship that fits your soul’s path now.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”