WHY I DON’T DO BIRTH CONTROL HORMONES….
And WHY I don’t believe that any conscious woman should.
That sounds crazy right?
Birth control is a smart thing.
And science has created a way for us to take charge of if we have children or not. There are so many options in today’s world from a multitude of birth control pills, shots, films, sponges, rings, etc. etc.
Not only are we protected 99.9% from unwanted pregnancy but we also can have clearer skin, lighter periods even fewer periods and have certainty as to when our flow is. Something that can get altered when you are not on hormone based birth control.
Birth control puts the woman in a power position for sure.
But here is the thing…
Before you string me up to crucify me and say well Kendal, no wonder you have seven children, you don’t do birth control. I want to share a few scientific things with you after my intimacy share on my seven children.
You see many years ago, like 29 years ago I was fifteen years old.
I was a virgin. Never even been kissed. And I had regular periods that were always on time, I had clear skin because I have always been conscious of the food going in my body, my skin’s health and hydration. So no pimply faced girl here, even back then.
AND there were zero boys in my world.
But my mom, being a concerned mom for her little girl that was becoming a woman took me to the gyno and told me that I needed to get on birth control to….(ready for the silliness…)
Get my period regulated and help with my skin, limit my breakouts.
My argument was that I did not want chemicals in my body when there was no reason for them. And the reasons given made no sense for all that I already shared that my mom knew clearly.
But mom said, so I did.
But I started taking birth control pills regardless of the facts.
Of course not long thereafter a boy popped up in my world.
And after a year of dating we had sex.
Unprotected sex because I was on the pill, so we had nothing to worry about.
We had a ton of unprotected sex.
Because there was nothing to worry about.
And no one bothered to inform me of anything different.
Condoms were known of,
they were spoken of,
but no one made a big deal out of them,
it was all about the pill.
Time went on and the boy and I broke up.
I quickly ( like 3 months later, quickly) found myself in bed with a man, who would become my husband shortly thereafter. We moved quickly into sex, unprotected sex because we had nothing to worry about, I was on the pill.
Well life got crazy, and I missed a pill.
Not knowing that I was fertile myrtle, I ended up pregnant right off the bat from one missed pill.
Welcome to the world child #1.
After birthing her, I got back on the pill,
one month I developed a bladder infection and took medication for it that canceled out my birth control but the doctor did not warn me and I was young and undereducated, and so welcome child #2.
Then… then I got smart…
I decided to get this new thing called the Depo Shot…
and my marriage was unhappy as hell so I ended up cheating on my husband, well the Depo Shot had no clue how fertile I was, because somehow someway it did not work and welcome child #3.
I had no clue what had taken place and my doctor suggested that I go on this other new birth control pill because it was to be really good, AND it supposedly would not cause the weight gain, the mood changes or fatigue that I was getting from the Depo Shot…
and so I did.
Well life got stressful again,
and we moved residences, we fought horribly, we moved again, and somehow in the midst of the chaos I ended up pregnant again.
Welcome child #4.
I grew tired of all the keeping track of four children under 10 and the pill that had to be taken at the same time each day or it would fuck up, plus my moods were no better. I was feeling lost in myself.
So I went back to the Depo Shot, thinking that maybe after all these years it got better. At very least I only had to deal with it once every three months. In the midst of depression and despair I found myself on the Depo Shot, 30 pounds heavier then what I should be and pregnant yet again with child #5. The doctor could not understand how I could get pregnant two times on the depo shot without any medication interference, but it happened.
And THEN my husband had had enough….
He got clipped.
And I got off ALL hormone based birth control.
And you know what happened?
I found myself again.
The weight dropped off with ease.
My mind cleared.
My mood stabilized.
My periods were not as fierce and painful.
My immune system improved.
I felt so much better.
but now I had one massive issue.
Every time I had sex with my husband,
my body rejected the sex.
I would break out in a burning mess.
My pussy was pissed at the experience.
And I was not wanting anything to do with him.
I was unattracted, turned off and could not bring myself to even really be willing to go into any sexual experience with him.
At one point I even thought I might be allergic to his semen.
And so that thought led me down a path of discovery.
Turned out that we women can be allergic to a man’s semen.
Also turns out that hormone based birth control has a major impact on a woman’s immune system, and moods.
And do you want to know what the most astounding tidbit that I discovered was and is the MAIN REASON why I am sharing this post… the main reason why I do not take it and instead preach condoms… (outside of the sheer fact that the birth control pill does not protect against disease of any sort)…
“…contraceptive pill use alters mate preferences, women who had taken hormonal contraceptives while meeting their partner and later discontinued their usage (as many do when they wish to conceive) may feel disenchanted with their initial partner choice. Indeed, the use of hormonal contraceptives may not only affect initial partner choice but also have unintended consequences for women’s relationship satisfaction if contraceptive pill use subsequently changes. Prior studies have provided evidence for this hypothesis, indicating that women who had used hormonal contraceptives when they first met their partner and then ceased to take them experience lower levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction5 and are more likely to get divorced….” (Gurit Birnbaum, Ph.D., is a professor at the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology, the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya. Psychology Today)
I believe that any conscious woman who wants to develop a truly loving and connected relationship with a man should be aware that if she is on a hormone based contraceptive that she is most likely not getting the right reading of the man.
It has been my discovery since the days of birth control and myself that my attraction is opposite to what it used to be.
After all we get into relationships not just for the purpose of starting up a family or getting a dad for our kids from our previous relationships. Typically we are looking for love and connection. We are wanting long term satisfaction, happiness and attraction to our mate. So why not create the most conscious space for it. A space where our body wisdom can be heard?
Of course that would also mean that we would have to be willing to want to hear it.
And even more importantly it would require all of us women who desire to be standing strong in our personal power to also be willing to speak our truth and ask for our needs to be met around sex and sexual practices more, instead of just spreading our legs and letting the men in our lives do as they want unconsciously.
It would require us to speak up about safe sex.
It would require us to value ourselves enough to not just ask but demand that protection be used,
and if we are truly not wanting to have any children to have the conversations with our partner(s) around this.
We are not taught as a people to have this sort of real, open relating. We are not taught as women that we can ask and even demand that our bodies be respected as we choose.
We are not warned of the possible and common complications that can impact our bodies as well as our desires and psyche from such things as contraceptives, but we are taught as women that it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to make sure that we take care of that fertility thing.
I for one wish my mother had never stolen this right from me. I wish that my body had been given the opportunity to fully mature without extra hormones and all the issues that it has been known to cause on an undeveloped female productive system. I wish that I had been better educated in my youth about sex and sexual health and rights. I wish that someone had been there to guide me better and give me the option as to what to do with my body and explain everything instead of pushing me down what was considered normal and healthy, responsible.
At the end of the day,
The most loving and responsible thing we can do for ourselves as women and for the men we choose to do relationships with is to come into that relationship as OURSELVES. Not altered by chemicals.
For the same reasons it is not a healthy practice to have sex drunk or under the influence of drugs,
we should not be having sex under the influence of hormones that are not of our own bodies design.
Perhaps we would find that more people would be happy in the relationship choices that they make.
Perhaps more people would not go through all the depression and lostness if they could be authentically themselves.
Perhaps more women would not be labeled “CRAZY” if they were not being bounced around by pharmaceuticals in the pursuit to make pregnancy all the woman’s responsibility and take away the responsibility of the men to be conscious of their bodies, their control and health.
Just random thoughts from a mother of three daughters of her own.
A woman who values her relationships with men, and wants to only get involved with those that are authentically “right” for me…
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Time to claim your truth is beautiful.
Time to say yes to valuing yourself, to loving yourself and knowing who you really are.
But in order to do this you have to desire to fall in love with the real you.
And if you are looking for love and success,
but wonder why it is always just out of grasp then maybe it’s really time for you to explore your truth.
From sexual health choices to learning your authentic yes and no,
you have never been told its okay to be YOU.
I am here to reveal to you that it is more than OKAY.
It is your duty to your happiness to do just that.
Reach out to me to discover options for coaching today.
THEY ARE CALLED YOUR EMOTIONS FOR A REASON.
Truth Bomb Here.
Are you like most of the world that believe that others are responsible for your emotional state,
for the feelings that YOU are having about any subject in your life?
Or are you self-aware enough and proactive enough to understand that they are YOUR emotions, meaning that YOU and only you are responsible for them.
No one else can make you feel any way.
You get to choose how you feel about something.
You get to choose how you react to something.
This is by far one of the most challenging things to grasp in life,
We are taught that we need to act, speak and even think through everything in ways to not harm or cause anyone else to feel bad.
We are told that we are not good enough,
that we are too much,
that we are RESPONSIBLE for how others feel about themselves,
about situations and how they perceive us.
to a degree we are responsible.
Our actions and words most certainly can trigger other’s into a negative or positive spiral.
Our actions do contribute to how we are perceived.
But we are not solely responsible for another’s feels, views or perceptions.
We each have an ability to be proactive in our thinking,
which leads to us being proactive in our feeling,
and to pause before we assume anything.
Becoming self-aware means to become authentic with self.
It means that we are willing to get real and raw with ourselves, and to acknowledge that anothers words or actions have only triggered an old program or wound,
and once triggered that we are now feeling this old emotion as though it is current.
The insecurities that we hold about ourselves,
the hatred that we have for ourselves,
the self- judgement, and shame…
All of these play a role in our emotions that can get triggered by an event or person.
But these internal landscapes that we all have,
are not another’s responsibility to cautiously thread through.
It is each of our own responsibility to self and to our lives,
to do the deep personal work to heal and become aware of.
If we do not do our own inner work,
then we are destined to walk through life feeling disempowered,
feeling a victim,
not understood and always attacked.
We will continue to view life as though we have no control and point fingers in blame at those we love,
at life experiences,
our governments, churches, schools, work.
However, when we choose to get real with self,
to practice self- love, healthy boundaries, knowing our desire’s, speaking our truth and RELEASING OURSELVES from the responsibility of everyone else’s feelings,
as well as taking responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and actions,
we become EMPOWERED.
By doing this, we walk through life with less shame, guilt, blame, judgement on self or others and we approach life from a healthier state of relating.
We can now speak in confidence our needs,
state clearly our yes and no and also accept another’s
without falling into an old wound or fear and needing to control an outcome.
We release the world and especially our loved one’s from the driver’s seat of our lives.
They are called your emotions for a reason.
They are all your’s.
And when we had them over to someone else,
we hold an expectation that the other person will and “should” always put us before them.
And if they do not,
then we are hurt and feel as though they do not love us, that they are selfish and heartless,
that we are not safe with them.
When in fact,
what we are asking for by turning over our power to another,
by making them responsible for our emotions is what is self-centered.
And if the other does always hold us before them,
guarding us and never letting us feel any uncomfort,
then what they are doing is hiding themselves from us.
The relationship is NOT authentic.
We have successfully required this other person, to mute themselves, change who they are, pretend at all cost and hide from us and themselves,
so that we can feel secure.
How is this love?
How is this respect?
How is this authentic relating?
Life is a risk.
24/7 you risk if you are breathing.
It’s an illusion.
Love is risky.
And you can choose to lean into it and enjoy its bliss however long it lasts,
or you can shut it down and try and control it so that you can live in a mirage for however long it lasts.
One allows for growth and truth.
The other, causes bitterness and wounds that may never get repaired between people.
Which do you choose?
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn how you can move into a truly authentic, loving relationship and heal the wounds of your past so you can have a F-ck Yes life and relationship?
Message me today for deet’s on global and local coaching now.
It is frequently assumed that I go on many dates with many men..
It is assumed that to be a coach who teaches people how to have more, and deeper better sex that I must be loose or easy to bed.
That sex is something I am addicted too even.
Its often assumed that because I am the mother of seven that I am uncontrollable and quenchless in my thirst for sex or orgasm.
People often say to me,
” you would think that a sex coach would have figured out what causes pregnancy by now.”
Many look at me with horrified questioning eyes as they inquire if I will have any more children or why I am not currently married.
The assumptions roll through thier minds and almost escape thier lips.
Perhaps even you dear reader and follower wonder and question.
Perhaps you are among the assumers.
And I want you to know that I thank you.
I thank you for all that you feel.
All that you think.
And all that you sometimes goofily share in your assumptions.
I see your humanness.
And I do not judge it.
As you judge me.
I know what my truth is.
I know whom I love.
I know that my heart,
My message and my calling is felt and seen by those it is meant for.
Not everyone can be like a taco as my best friend would say.
And even though I may have a body part that resembles,
I am still not a taco.
I write this musing this evening to shed the light on how we judge what we do not understand.
How we cast stones with certainty,
But are enraged when they are thrown back without due reason in our opinion.
Today I share with you from a place I choose to call the labyrinth of mirrors.
This is the place where we can choose to see ourselves in ALL we come in contact with on our life journey,
Or we can turn away from them,
Look downward and become lost in the maze of our own fears and self criticism.
What do you choose my sweet human?
To be judge and jury to all in your life
And that you meet on your path.
Or to be human.
To be human means to be compassionate.
To self and to others.
To know that we do not know what anothers shoes are like.
What the path they have traveled took them through.
To be human means that you stand as witness not judge.
And to witness another is one of the greatest gifts we can ever offer.
To allow ourselves to be witnessed is the next.
Just yesterday I was working with a dear client of mine. This man has love streaming from every energy fiber he has. And yet he struggles with allowing himself the simple pleasure of recieving that love back.
I left him with the words,
” One day I hope you give me the gift of you allowing yourself to recieve my love.”
Now that statement may instantly bring up assumptions and judgments in you about me.
Or my coaching practice.
What does Kendal do with her clients?
Is she in romantic relations with them.
And you can assume.
You can judge.
And you can cast your head down and keep stubling through your maze.
Be my guest.
What I can tell you is that each day it is revealed and I am reminded of the deep intimacy I hold with these souls that are labled my clients.
They are not my clients.
They are my lovers.
I love each of them deeply.
The intimacy, vulnerability, rawness and depth that they trust me with is without messure one of the greatest gifts of this life time for me.
I love my clients.
I love them for thier willingness to stop bouncing off the walls of thier maze and instead to sit still and let them selves be revealed through the mirrors that are presented on thier path.
I love them for thier courage to catch thier inner judge and jury and fire them daily,
While loving themselves at a more intense level.
I love them for the tender moments that they give grace…
I love them for the humor and laughter as they learn how to skip through thier errors and self defeating patterns.
Yes they are my lovers.
And I love them for the blessings that they are.
Now back to that dating thing….
I have dated a few men in my time.
And I have dated many at the same time.
But the men of my current…
The men I choose daily.
These men you may or may never meet…
Some can be captured in picture.
Others in story.
More than one?
Yes in deed.
And does it matter whom they are to you?
Well lets just see if you have been listening.
They have your answer.
But the mirror will never lie.
As Always My Loves,
Stop Existing & Start Living
Coaching for Grown A*s Believers
Can’t help it.
Just the way I am wired.
This identification does not mean that I won’t be monogamous.
It does not mean I will cheat or get bored.
It does not mean that I believe I need more
or are unhappy in anyway.
It simply means that I love relationship.
And stand firm with my integrity.
It means that those I choose to be in relationship with hold an eternal and special space in my heart.
That if my soul leads me to engage in any fashion,
To explore another being however called too,
That I embrace this pull and understand that it is perfect and meant to be, without question.
Many believe that to be polyamorous means that you desire sex with multiples.
That you are dating and being physically intimate with many.
But what polyamorous truly means is to have love and to embrace love and relationship with more than one.
Anyone who has more that one child,
Has more than one friend,
Loves both parents,
And all thier siblings,
Is engaging in a polyamorous loving.
Many years ago a dear friend of mine looked at me and said,
” You are living a polyamorous lifestyle in everyway but your sex. Perhaps you should explore it.”
His words rang so very true to my core.
And he was accurate in his view.
So I ventured onto the sexual path of polyamory and all it could intale.
Now this is not a personal share of the romance, sexing and relations of multiple lovers.
Its also not a share on how amazing polyamory is or how fucked up it can be.
But it is a share on acceptance.
On embracing who you are at your core regardless of what the norms of society say they should be.
Its a post on knowing yourself enough to allow your own happiness to flow.
And to even ASK for it.
Its a share based on living authentically.
And not just using these words because they feel good or make you sound like an awakened soul.
But to actually LIVE by them.
Yes what I share here is about living in conscious surrender to your HAPPINESS.
And to communicate your needs.
To communicate where you are at in any relationship.
Its a share about what loving self and having self respect really means.
Its a share about your truth.
Its about you not wanting to accept that you are polyamorous just like me.
The only difference is your lack in comfort to speak what you want.
What you need.
What you desire.
And your unwillingness to see WHO YOU ARE.
Living blind to all the love that you give.
To all the people that you care about.
That you are in relationship with.
Or that you wish to someday be.
Yes I am poly- monogamous ALWAYS.
I am polyamorous in my life in all ways.
Those seen and those only felt.
I make a decision in moments of my relationship experience to be monogamous or not.
But the S-E-X,
the sex never has anything to do with it.
Outside of a desire to connect, be seen, or enjoy self or another at a more raw level.
Its never about the orgasm.
Its always about the love.
And the greatest happiness and deepest connection comes from integrity.
Integrity with self.
And with others.
The ultimate self love and respect as well comes from this place of not hiding.
Not story telling.
But breathing in ones own TRUTH.
And when we can do this.
We can also elevate our relationships.
Stop Existing & Start Living
Coaching for Grown A*s Believers
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Why can’t you just be happy for me?
Why can’t you just smile and let me live my life?
Why do you have to always try and fix what you deem broken,
Just perhaps its not broken at all.
I get that your intent is not to slice me to the bone.
I get that you have no concept of the shame, the fear, the lack of worthiness that you trigger each time you aim to fix what you think needs fixing.
But honey beware.
Your words are powerful.
although you do not control me.
Ultimately it is my choice to fall prey to your desire for my brokenness,
be warned that these words you cast upon me and others,
be warned that these judgements,
these criticism’s have power.
And even the strongest in nature,
those of us who rebel from the control,
yes even us can be penetrated after time,
with these words of fear.
As time passes and you search for more weakness in me,
as you look for how you can save me,
your words become like Chinese water torture,
like nails on a chalk board.
They make me cringe,
they set me on defense.
They steal away my ability to feel you.
And now I stand here guarded.
Ready to take my punishment.
Now before I even start to share,
before I take any step forward or to the side,
I already hear your words of criticism,
and I know…
I know that no matter what I do,
no matter how turned on I am to my life,
no matter how much in flow and a state of passion I might be,
no matter the creative genius that wants to stem from my core.
I know that in your eye’s I am broken.
I know that in your mind I need to learn.
I know that you see me as this child,
this silly naive thing that needs your saving,
needs your fixing.
And so why bother?
Why even try and speak my truth?
Why try and do anything,
because I already know.
And so I settle into the average and ordinary.
I settle into the surface level relating.
Depth and being seen is too painful.
I feel stupid.
I feel dumb.
I feel ugly.
I feel unlovable.
I feel like no matter what,
it does not matter,
because I am wrong.
Or I will get it wrong.
Or it will be messed up by my touch,
by my words,
it’s just me.
And I should just not be.
Your criticism enables my scarcity mindset!
You enable me to not step up and be all that I can be.
You enable me to fear my power.
You enable me to fear my creative soul.
You enable me to keep hating myself.
You enable me to see all my lack of worth.
You enable me….
AND FOR WHAT?
Do you really believe that your words of judgement will entice me into becoming more?
Do your really believe that you know my calling,
my heart better than I or God?
Do you think that your need to fix me is inspiring?
Because it is not!
And lucky for me…
I will never listen.
And when I feel these chisels from you to cut me down,
to make me fear,
to make me become logical.
Yes lucky for me,
I am a F-CK YOU!
and I will move away.
I will step back.
I will turn around.
I will not listen.
Instead I will laugh.
you are the lost one.
You are the broken one.
You are the one that needs me.
that you will not ever have.
Because the tribe I run too,
is a tribe that is wild.
A tribe that is free.
A tribe that is supportive through love.
Supportive through the building up.
Through the appreciation.
Yes that is my tribe.
And so I encourage you to stop this ridiculous need of cutting down, and finding fault, of looking for what is broken or wrong.
I encourage you to instead step into your power.
I encourage you to look for what makes you happy with me.
What makes you happy with life.
What makes you happy with you.
Because all this criticism although seeming pointed at me,
it is not I that you actually have issue with,
it is not I that frustrates you so,
it is not I who needs your saving…
But it is YOU.
So look in that mirror my dear.
Look closely in your eye,
and tell yourself something positive.
Then continue to speak those words.
Because what you focus on grows.
I love you.
You are worthy.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Message me for deet’s on my Autumn 1:1 Coaching Subscriptions to embrace your poser and be all you can be.