” There must be alternatives. You must have technology that could solve our problem.” – Quoted from the 1951 Movie The Day the Earth Stood Still
Breathless I feel my heart clenching, holding on for dear life. My ego throwing a fit beyond measure, wanting to rage and destroy, cry and break beneath the pressure of the pain. I sit there, just reading over and over again the words that every cell in my being feared the most. How could this be? Why would this happen? How could the love not withstand, and God deny something so beautiful, powerful, and divine? Why would God not desire for our worship of him to come through our relationship and be a path of grace for others. An example of the blessings and beauty that he desires for us?
Ego chanting words of anger, pain, and fear. The primitive mind running a muck and taunting me to react out of this fear and charge forward, saying things I would be sure to regret and did not mean in my heart or soul. No just the wound would be speaking in this moment and it was just the wound of this drastic blow to my heart that I was standing in the epicenter of. The storm that blew around me keeping me from feeling my truth, my love. Shrouding me in a darkness that spoke of never leaving. Monsters lurking, screaming out my fears of abandonment, never being able to hold on to love, not being lovable, not being worthy, not being enough and being to much. Telling me IF I had only done this or that then things would be different. The pain, the shame, the guilt and the feeling of being so naive to love again.
After all it was my stupid little girl who was hopeful and certain that this time things would be different. How could they not? I had never gone so deep with someone before. I had never revealed and explored the layers of my soul like I had in this love. I had never trusted anyone to surrender the way that I had with him.
Perhaps it was to much.
Or I was too much.
My eye’s skimming back across the word, “Goodbye.” Almost meditating on it and watching the sky fall outside the window. My heart not beating fast at all, in fact feeling like there is no beating at all. Am I dead Lord? Where is my breathe? Where is my heart? I am left with neither, only the haunting of my crazed mind and the laughter from something deep in me, taunting that it knew all along that he would do this.
Only sheer seconds passed I am sure, but it felt like a thousand lifetimes flickered their emptiness before me without him.
Yes today, today the earth stands still.
And with it my heart and soul, withering in a corner unable to move, finding that there is no purpose to hold out for hope, for love, or for life. What reason should I move forward. I have no heart for it in his hands, my soul bound to his and now in darkness lost. There is no purpose to moving forward, no purpose to standing up and going on.
And yet, I must.
There in my chair, I look into the eye’s of the corpse that use to be full of love and life. Realizing that I must dress it up and spray perfume on it to hide its rot so that my children and all those I see will not see my pain, my suffering, my self-hatred for not being worthy and now being a sham too boot.
Authenticity. HA!
Love. HA!
Certainty. HA!
Blessing. HA!
These words that we bask in when things are going great, they do nothing for the broken. They get trampled by the pain, the rage, and the fear. They drown in the sludge of our ego’s as we hide.
Our world does not allow us to embrace our range of emotions. It is only socially acceptable to be “okay and fine” or happy. We hide from mourning. We hide from anger and even condemn it. So, what am I to do here on this day that ended the world as I knew it?
Smile.
Make my list.
Control what I can.
Try to breathe a false breath.
Ignore the pain. That is what one is to do in this situation. Ignore it and carry on. Just as he suggested in his goodbye, it is time for me to walk my own path without him. I suppose I could go off and go on a few dates, have some crazy sexual encounters and try and connect to someone else by the use of my physical body. I could hide by grabbing a bottle or two of my favorite drink. I could crash on the couch and veg in front of Netflix for the next century. I could hide my tears and I could stand strong and act like none of this was happening, just throw myself into my work and my children and carry on.
Or…. I could jump in my car and go and scream in his face. Burst into tears and beg. I could let the wild woman out that loves deeply and passionately and will go to war for her love when he is not strong enough to see his heart from all the mist about him. I could make my case and then that for sure would change everything. Perhaps I would at very least feel better in having him stand there and be the persecutor to my victim in hopes that he would decide to rescue me.
But both of those are based in ego. This is not what my spirit desires and knows to be love or my strength.
No, instead it is time to PAUSE.
It is time to go within and allow myself to feel fully. To embrace the rawness of the wound and the beauty of the love that was shared. It is time, on this day that the earth stands still to take a cue from the divine.
LISTEN.
Listen to the stillness.
Listen to the rhythm of this life.
Listen to the voice off in the distance that is speaking. That voice that sounds of truth and love eternal.
Here there is still hope. There is hope for this broken soul of today to heal and to move forward. It will not happen on my timeline, or on anyone’s. It will not occur because of pushing through. It will not be touched by my masks, my over analyzation or my fear of the future.
No the only thing that will support it is my surrender.
So here you go kind folks, heartbreak is unavoidable. It chases us all down like ravenous wolves and makes us fear it. We dance around and try our hardest to avoid. We believe that by settling for something less than what our hearts and souls desire that we will be safe.
We hide our faces every day of our lives, we shut our hearts to the love and joy that crave to bless us. We speak words of logic in the face of that that we can never grasp. We follow the darkness as it masks itself as light, telling us that we do this or that and behave that we will avoid.
Avoid pain.
What this enemy does not share is that by being average and ordinary and hiding from our passion to bask in the blessings of God and all the beauty of this physical existence that comes with that, that we forfeit our desire NOT just for this life, but for God as well.
True we are not to worship things of this physical world in place of our worship for the Creator, but things of this world can be used as our worship of God. The simple act of kissing a lover can be an act of worship of God. It is the intent of the heart that is behind it that reveals the beauty.
If we choose to live in fear in our physical world then we show no trust of God. We may claim that we are believers, but do true believers fear this world? Or do they embrace it in desire and on fire with the backing of God?
God wants you to desire life.
God wants you to desire love.
God wants you to desire him.
Our fear of stepping forward in faith, is nothing more than blasphemy.
Ask yourself today if you have faith or fear ruling your life?
One is of God the other is the enemy.