I WANT TO NEED HIM – The Tale of Today’s Feminine Surrender.

I WANT TO NEED HIM.

 

This is a statement that a woman made to me as we were speaking about her couple-hood.

 

As I listened to her tale of desire to want to need her man,

that she believed that this is the way that we were designed,

and that so much of our discontent in relationships and life as well as not knowing ourselves comes from this very belief that we women “should not” need men.

That we are just as good and can balance life without a significant other, I thought to myself,

 

SHE IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

 

Women have burdened themselves with the disease of believing that we don’t need men, that it is a sign of weakness. That we are lower than human if we rely on our male counterparts. Or that if we are relying on them that we are selling ourselves for a lifestyle, for safety.

 

And so many women do, do just this.

They settle into relationships not for soul union, not for love, but for comfort and safety. They look at the man’s resume, not his heart.

 

These women are indeed selling themselves.

They are becoming slaves to a lifestyle and a comfort.

They are not acting from soul or love.

 

And to them I could write a million lines,

but today I am addressing the women who are afraid of being perceived this way.

So much so, that they armour themselves from beautiful relationships, they fight to be seen strong at all cost, they feel weak at the thought of receiving help from their man. They do not know how to be supported by the masculine.

 

I am one of these women.

So I share from the depths of my feminine heart on this topic.

I am one of those women that has a ridiculous time receiving from my man.  I have learned through the years to allow him to open doors, to help grab the groceries, to let him help me in house and home. I have gotten over him not cumming every time we make love or him focusing all his attention on my pleasure and not receiving physically in times.

 

I have learned that  his pleasure sometimes is all about my receiving in our sexual union.

 

I  have learned that he loves to witness me in rapture.

That he feels great pleasure and satisfaction in my bliss.

In what he gives to me.

 

But, when it comes to money.

When it comes to bills.

When it comes to buying the groceries.

Medical things.

Needs.

 

Even if it is a trinket that I have my eye on and he asks me, do you want that? He is ready to purchase it for me. He wants to bring me pleasure. He wants to see me adorned. He wants my happiness.

I know this. But I feel like I am taking from him.

That I should not need this.

That it is not okay.

That he will perceive me as a woman who is there for the financial support.

 

And I am scared to lean on him.

I am scared that he will see me as weak.

As needy.

That my heart and love will be missed some how,

that my truth that  I have only eyes and desire for him will be washed over in some way because he has “helped” me.

 

When in truth, it is not even him helping me.

It is a union.

It is a team.

It is US, supporting the whole together.

And it is my pride that stands in the way of the full union.

It is my pride that screams that I should not need him, all the while my soul feels just like the woman above.

 

I WANT TO NEED HIM.

Because I DO!

 

I need his strong masculine guidance.

His leadership.

His logic.

His foresight.

I need his looks of love and adoration.

I need his tenderness.

His humor.

I need his touch.

I need his heart.

I need him to need me.

 

And I do not look at him as though he is weak for wanting me.

Or for needing me.

I know that he needs my feminine heart,

my emotions and touch.

He needs to see my rapture and my tears so he can fully feel who he is at his depth as well.

 

I know that he wants to need me.

 

We both have lived without each other just fine.

We both have been more than capable of living life and supporting our loved ones, building lives, businesses and we could easily choose to continue to do just that.

 

But the union of the masculine and the feminine when done by soul, is a union of desire to be together because together we are stronger.

Together we feel more.

We heal deeper.

We expand fully.

 

It’s not about money or security.

Although together we thrive all the more as well.

 

It’s not about weakness in coming together.

Or comfort.

 

It’s uncomfortable in truth to be vulnerable and wide open with someone. To have no hold backs.

To feel as though there are no barriers,

nothing you do not want seen or felt.

To want to be witnessed at the deepest levels by your mate,

is uncomfortable AF!

 

There is no hiding here.

And we women, hold back from needing our men deeply,

and wanting to need them,

we in turn tell God/Universe that we don’t need them either.

 

It’s hypocritical of us women to say that we are these brilliant life givers, thus manifestors, creators, powerhouses and to know that we are vessels born to receive and then say NO to receiving because we deem it a weakness because it comes from our man.

 

How are we to ever fully become our greatest selves if we consistently deny our receiving, our pleasure, support, love from the great masculine?

 

No wonder we women are lost. 

No wonder so many of us are bitter, non-orgasmic, always choose the wrong man who lets us down. 

We should expect all of this and know that we have set ourselves up for suffering in love, 

To never feel fully loved or cherished because we are not cherishing ourselves. 

It is through our ability to lean into the masculine, to open our hearts and put down our armour with a man that holds us close and wants to need us as well, who gets that he is our king, our knight, our protector and great lover. That through his honor and ability to carry us deeper into ourselves that we find ourselves. 

 

 

It is my belief, and a belief that “just might” be backed by a few spiritual scriptures and structures out there as well, that we are meant to support each other. The equal yoking of the masculine and feminine. 

 

THE DESIRE TO BE ROMANCED LIES DEEP IN THE HEART OF EVERY WOMAN.

IT IS FOR SUCH THAT YOU WERE MADE.

 

I love this quote by John Eldredge.

 

However, for us to  have that desire manifest, we women must open ourselves to God first, 

We must learn to listen to our hearts, our soul, our intuition. We must then open ourselves and lay down the shields and swords of our wounded little girls and let the conscious masculine hold us. 

Love us. 

See us fully. 

We must be open to needing him. 

And we must want to need him. 

 

It is only through our wanting, 

And our understanding that, that wanting is not a weakness but a powerful space of abundance, flow and love, 

That we gain the opportunity to experience true soul union.

 

Our union with our man mirrors our union with the divine, with God.

The trust we show our mate, 

The surrender, 

The rapture, 

The need, 

The wanting.

 

We captivate our men for a reason.

It is because through us he feels life.

 

And we are lifted by his true heart and desire to serve us.

So if you are a woman like myself who struggles with receiving from the masculine, 

If you feel weak or like you will be misperceived in your wanting of his support, his love, his attention, look no further than your heart. 

Ask your truth there. 

And see him as God.

Wanting your rapture in all of life. 

 

As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

The Zero Separation Relationship & Why The Wolrd Hates It!

ZERO SEPARATION.
It’s funny, I have never thought of myself or witnessed myself to be a jealous person.
I have not thought myself to be territorial or possessive.
I have never been a woman who has demanded to be the center of attention with my partner.
I have never really missed my partner when they go away for the day.
I have never not been able to sleep without the connection of a lover.
All in all, I am one of those women who does just fine on her own.
with or without a man.
In or out of relationship.
I am not needy or clingy.
I am not one with a bunch of expectations or demands.
And if my man looks at another woman,
that’s okay. We are all human. We can appreciate other humans.
Flirting is a natural and even healthy thing, in or out of a relationship.
I am not a woman who is concerned about my partners attention or even ponders the idea of them cheating on me. Matter of fact for years I was in an open relationship and joked about how my partner could not cheat on me, because I was good with him receiving pleasure from whatever source he desired. That I knew that he would play hard ball finding a woman that was truly okay with open relating and could remain confident and loving in it.
This is all accurate.
For who I was and the relationships I had.
But today, I find myself in a completely different situation.
Today I want zero space between myself and my partner.
I have to convince myself that it is healthiest to have space. That we need to spend time apart, to enjoy time away from each other.
I have to convince myself that other things are important too,
that my life does not just need nor can it maintain by just being engaged with my man.
I have found that I want the world to just go away.
To leave us.
I have daydreams of a sweet little cabin out in a meadow someplace beautiful on ton’s of acres, where just he and I reside.
We have our garden, we walk, we talk, we make love, we watch the sun rise and set, the stars dance only for us. We plan our future and we enjoy each day entwined.
At night our limbs are enwrapped, he pulls me in tight should space emerge. He kisses me softly on the forehead each morning, and grabs me passionately throughout the day. We share our tears, our laughter, our embarrassments and we have zero space for the world to seep in and cause chaos.
He is my rock.
And I am his.
There is only him and I.
And with this I find that I am not jealous.
I am not possessive.
I am territorial AF!
I do have expectations and I do make demands on time and attention. When I feel a pull away, it is as though my very heart is being severed from my chest.
When I feel his armour rise,
It is as though I have been dropped from the highest tower into great rocks below.
And when the outside comes knocking…
It’s all defenses up.
That territorialism is a protection.
Its boundaries spoken and unspoken.
It is primal in my nature to want to secure the home,
the heart, the relationship.
For this relationship is far too valuable.
It has the feeling of life itself, the feeling of coming home.
Its depth bears with it a remembrance and a desire to make sure that it is never lost arises when the world comes knocking at our door.
Now some might look at this and say that a relationship of this nature has limited trust and knowing.
And the me of yesteryear would be first on that bandwagon.
But the thing that I have learned is that it’s not lacking trust,
not in each other or the relationship. It lacks trust in the ideas and wants of the world around.
And although our intent can be good for those we see in such beauty. We can say and even take action to show that we support a relationship of this nature and depth, but in truth we humans are cunning, fickle souls. We see beauty and something inside of us is angered that it is not ours and so without realization we attempt to destroy through drama, manipulations, anger, becoming a victim or finger pointing.
We stir the pot.
We stomp our feet like a child and we demand that this sort of relationship that we claim is so beautiful and we support is actually dangerous.
The zero separation relationship is based on soul entwinement.
I have read about it in such books as Thomas Moore wrote, (Soul Mates, The Soul of Sex, Care of the Soul & More) as well as much ancient texts from tantra and sufi to the Song of Solomn.
I have tasted bites of this sort of relationship throughout my previous ones, but could I fully grasp the desire, the complexity, the hunger of the soul and the pain of being apart if even for a few hours.
It feels addictive in truth.
It makes me question everything.
And yet I cannot deny that I want for nothing else.
He is mine and I am his, is a statement that dances through my heart and mind consistently.
And to think of allowing the world to seep in and possibly poison even one cell of this relationship is sheer heresy.
Yet we are told in society that this sort of close bonding is unhealthy.
That it is an addiction.
That casting out potential danger,
or setting hard boundaries in our lives,
is not good.
To close the gates of our castle is a joke in today’s world.
We live in fear of the “what if I offend” instead of ruling our lives and relationships with a fierceness of protection.
When we are in an intimate bonding with another and our souls yearn at such a deep level as is written about soulmates and twin flame bondings,
then how could we ever allow the world an opportunity to destroy.
Zero separation.
The vacuum that we must create in the casting out of potential harm. Because in such an intimate bonding of the hearts and souls, there truly is no other.
It is just the two.
Becoming one.
And this is what our union of marriage is supposed to be,
however the majority are far from anything even close to this.
We have great disrespect, a lack of loyalty even to what we deem our mate, our life partner, our spouse, our soulmate, our primary partner, our significant other.
We may make the claim that they are our better half or other half,
but in our allowing of the world to seep in and cause chaos, to spew its anger of what it does not have in your face and try and make you feel pity, are you truly honoring your greatest and highest relationship or are you falling in dissent?
Today I ask you to look at the bond that you have with your partner?
And if you are single, I ask you to look back at your relationships and ask,
“How have I been guilty of creating space for the world to poison the beauty and depth of said intimate relationship?”
It’s time my dear to be real with self.
To see where you have opened the gates to the wolves and let them feed.
If your relationship is just one of passing,
a between that keeps you warm, makes you laugh and entertains you, then perhaps you need not be concerned…
but if your relationship is one you claim to be entwined, deeply in love and wanting eternally ( or at least this lifetime), then it’s time to ask and look within.
What is more important?
Your intimate bond or the world and its desires of you?
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Time to take your love into your own hands and heal from past wounds.
Set down your armour and embrace the life and love that you know is yours.
Want to learn how?
Reach out to me today to explore Soul Entwined Relating Now.
 
Photo Credit DandelionImages

A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO ALL THE BETWEENER RELATIONSHIPS…

A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO ALL THE BETWEENER RELATIONSHIPS…

 

I am sitting here this cold dreary day in North Texas in total utmost gratitude for all those men that have graced my life with their energy, time, connection, sex and more.

Those men that I have laid in bed with enjoying what seemed like endless pillow talk, laughter and life shares.

Those men that made my heart sink from the loss of their presence in mine.

And for those men that infuriated me, made me feel crazy, were narcissistic, power hungry control freaks but also made me laugh and believe in the moment.

The men who caused me bodily harm.

The men who tried to destroy my dreams, my relationships and my self-esteem.

 

Yes to all these masculine, I give thanks and honor.

For without them I would not know what I want today in a man, in a life partner.

I would not be aware of my worthiness.

I would not be woken to my greatness as a woman.

And without these men,

I would continue on a path of dancing with “betweeners.”

 

First let me explain what I mean by “betweener.”

 

BETWEENER: A relationship that you know is not long lasting or “the one” but you choose to play with for a certain period of time while you figure your shiz out.

 

Betweener relationships help us heal.

They help us clarify what we want and need in a relationship.

They are educators.

 

And we ALWAYS, yes always know that they are between “real” relationships because there is something, just something that just does not fit.

 

Often this comes up in the feelings of:

*not being able to fully commit

*a nagging sense that they are not 100% with you

*insecurity in the relationship

*lack of turn on or passion

*our bodies will act shut down sexually

*we won’t feel safe stating our truth or just doing us

*there is a feeling of this is short term, a second guessing

 

These are betweener relationships.

Anytime, we know that we are not ready or able to jump into the deep end with someone, then we should get real with ourselves that we are not really aligned to this other person either for a lifemate sorta situation.

 

Often betweener relationships are lower vibration relationships.

Meaning that we call them into our relationship experience when we are wounded, heart broken or feeling lost in our lives, in who we are as individuals.

They are relationships asking us to accept less than what our heart and soul is desiring for and that most certainly reveals itself in the heart centered connection that we DO NOT have with a betweener.

 

But thank goodness for these relationships.

No matter how long they last for,

some we end up marrying,

some we date off and on for years,

and some are just flashes in the pan.

However, all of them bring forth great beauty and lessons to us if we so choose to receive them as such.

 

Knowing that we are co-creators to our reality and life experiences,

taking the responsibility for just that can allow us as individuals to see why each of these people walked into our lives when they did.

 

Perhaps they were there to help us get firm in a boundary.

Maybe they were there showing us such great beauty and love so that when our soulmate manifested that we could recognize them with greater ease.

Some betweeners, ask us to speak up louder, shine brighter or see our ego’s in more light.

Others ask us to learn how to guard our hearts and honor our truth with self-compassion and respect.

 

No matter the lesson.

They are powerful educators.

And today I just want to applaud all the “betweeners’ ‘ of my life,

because thanks to you bloaks I know who I am and what I want in a man.

 

Thanks to you I have done the clarifying of my heart’s desire and learned to slow down and listen with my heart and my intuition.

Which is exactly how we avoid betweeners and recognize “the one” that is right for us.

That soulmate love.

 

Loving you from this overcast day in Texas.

Remember that you are worthy of a great love.

A true connection of heart, mind, body and soul.

 

And to have that,

you MUST LISTEN to your Soul GPS.

Your heart and stop disregarding its directional offerings because you fear a life of being alone.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

And Queens who want a Conscious Man 🙂

 


Conscious Coffee with Kendal – Passion, Commitment and Betweener’s

 

<3 Another Valentine’s day Is Upon Us… <3

 

 

And some ladies in the house are ALONE.

Well no Queen is ever alone in spirit,  because we effing love ourselves,

right ladies?

But we may not have the man of our dreams in bed next to us.

That man who is consciously aware,

emotionally intelligent,

spiritually sound,

committed,

passionate,

makes us laugh,

and when he looks at us has us melt.

 

Yeah that guy.

Well to all you single queens in the house,

make 2021 the last year that you wake up without your soulmate next to you.

 

Check out this live training this month where I teach you 10 hacks to calling in the conscious man of your dreams.

 

Click THIS link below to read all about it and reserve your seat for 7+ hours of training plus 2-weeks of private access to me where we will get you on point and the vibe of your love.

 

https://kendalwilliams.com/manifestyourmanprogram/

 

Here are what other Queens are saying about this class:

 

“Working through this course changed my world. Every training got me more into alignment with who I am and what I really want in a relationship with a man.”

Cecilia Jones

 

“Kendal is absolutely magical and her energy and passion is contagious. I loved how she brought humor and truth to all these important areas of being a woman and how vulnerable she was in her personal tales. It truly allowed me to feel her and to know that I could call in my true love.”

Kristie Lamar

 

“I have been struggling with dating for years. After a nasty divorce I really had given up on love, but then I found this course and I kid you not, not four months after working through Kendal’s course I met a man that was everything I had ever wanted. I am happy to share that we are now engaged and planning our future together. In so much gratitude for all the education and resources that were offered here in this course. “

Jen Santers

 

DON’T WAIT ANOTHER DAY!!!!

ACCESS THE BONUS 5+Hours of Training Now!

 

https://kendalwilliams.com/manifestyourmanprogram/

ARE YOU GUILTY OF CHEAP TALK? IT COULD BE WHATS DESTROYING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

TALK IS CHEAP! AND IT’S PERVASIVE AROUND YOU.

 

“I am here for you.”

“Let me know what I can do.”

“I got your back.”

“Yeah, I totally agree.”

“I see what’s been happening, where you are at, what you are saying, etc.”

 

There are so many things that we tell others with little to no meaning behind them.

We speak these statements with good intent often,

but we don’t understand the value of actually following our words up with action. Sometimes the action is just more words of support, or helping one find answers, or just simply holding space for someone who is going through a rocky time in life and needs to have that space. Other times, it means that we need to follow through with supportive action to those words.

 

Recently in my life I have had an onslauth of what you could say shiz going down in my personal life.

 

I find myself standing here not thirty days into a new year amazed at everything that has occured over the last ninety days.

Some mornings I wake and find humor in the events,

realizing that you can’t make this shiz up.

Hollywood would pay a mint for the tales I could tell.

And then other days I realize that it’s just life,

my soul wanting to expand who I am and strengthen my vessel so I can become everything I desire and live that unbound beautiful life I know is mine.

 

And then there are the days that I wake in total frustration.

Anger.

Fear.

Judgement.

Bitterness.

Anxiety.

Exhaustion.

 

And I wonder why me?

Why now?

How much more does God think I can carry?

And WHY do the people in my life not see it? hear it? Why do they just keep wanting more from me in the face of everything else?

 

No matter how I wake,

what I have been blessed to witness is a reality check in my relationships. Revelations on no matter who we are, we are all human at the end of the day and our humanness when overtaken by our ego is extremely superficial and self-centered, even when we attempt to support and give love.

 

We blind ourselves and ignore others’ needs and desires, even though we can see what is happening in their lives and how at the end of a string they may be. How close to crashing they truly are.

 

And we do this NOT because we don’t care or cannot understand,

but because we want what we want for ourselves.

 

So we act as though we did not see.

We claim they did not communicate clearly.

We say they never told us.

We spout back, “Well I tried but you would not connect, answer, etc.”

 

YOU WERE NOT CLEAR ON WHAT YOU NEEDED FROM ME.

 

We push back the blame to the other.

Not wanting to see ourselves and how in these times we disregarded what was right before us with our loved one for the sake of our own self-centered needs and wants.

 

If we were to get real with our words,

and to honor them and have the self-respect and respect of the other parties as well, we would stand behind our word.

 

UNDERSTANDING THAT OUR WORD IS EVERYTHING.

 

This is not just some old school statement that our word makes up our character.

It’s not just a line from Scarface or the Godfather,

John Wayne and Clint Eastwood are not the ones proclaiming the strength of a human is in his words.

No.

But I tell you that our word is all of this.

Our word is OUR CHARACTER CHECK POINT.

Our word is our STRENGTH.

or our weakness.

 

And when we say that, “I got your back.”

 

It should not be a light matter.

These words should come with an understanding that in them we are denying the self for another.

 

That we are willing to sacrifice our short term desires, needs or wants to fully support someone else and to stay aware of what is happening with them and in their lives.

 

Unfortunately, the majority of the time this is not what will occur.

The reverse is actually true.

We will state that we are supportive,

and then we will take the opportunity to bulldoze over our loved one to get our needs met instead, all the while pretending to be blind to it all. Pretending that if they had just spoken up, made it more clear, done their part that the boundaries would not have ever been crossed.

 

OUR WORDS ARE OUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Meaning that with them we take responsibility for who we are and our actions and reactions.

 

Responsibility to being consciously aware of situations, people and what is truly needed despite our self-centered desires to get our own needs and wants met.

 

THIS IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND SUPPORT.

Anything else is empty.

 

Making our words,

our actions,

and us as a human weak and untrustworthy.

 

What do your words say about your character in a relationship?

In life?

 

Want to have deep, committed, trusting and loving relationships in all areas of your life?

 

Then it’s time to stand behind your words,

and realize they are your strength or your weakness.

Your words are your bond.

Without them you have nothing.

 

 

As Always.

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Want to learn the secrets of a dynamic powerhouse relationship?

Overcome the drama circles and superficial ego based relating game that you are so used to? Reach out to me today for 1:1 opportunities in mentorship now. Limited space.

 

MY DADDY EARL JUST LOVES IT WHEN I PRAY, YA’LL.

 

MY DADDY EARL JUST LOVES IT WHEN I PRAY, YA’LL.

 

I get down on my knees before him and he praises God at the sight of it. Every time he pops his lips I know exactly what he wants from me. I lick my lips and start to hum him the song of an angel.

I love how he gets so passionate at my hummin’.

Sometimes he will even grab a hold of my pigtails and shake full of the holy ghost moving through him. He tells me that when the holy ghost moves through him that it is his favorite thing and only my hummin’ can make it happen.

 

I love making him shake in spirit like that.

Makes me feel so good inside.

 

————————————————————————-

 

Yeppers folks.

I went there.

If you missed my livestream on this then maybe you need to go explore it.

 

Or maybe not…

Not if you are a prude that is.

Please don’t, I do not want to hear it from you in that case or have you rolling your eyes at my crazy.

 

You know it was not that long ago that I would have freaked the

f-ck out about playing games like this with my lover.

I would have been too caught up in my own bullsh*t to have fun.

I would have believed that my partner would not like me if I pretended to play like this.

 

I mean sex is serious.

Relationships are serious.

 

LOL… not good sex and relationship.

Sure there is some seriousness in there, of course,

but if you are not laughing, finding yourself feeling youthful, full of desire and thirst for fun then I can tell you that your relationship and sex are getting ready to flatline if they have not already.

 

I have worked with so many hundreds of couples through the last decade as a relationship coach and the one thing that I am always sharing with them is how important PLAY is in the relationship.

 

Playfulness inside and outside of the bedroom or wherever you are doing the nasty at…

 

Adventure dates.

More than just dinner and a movie.

Get creative, learn something new together.

Get a little edgy, make your heart flutter like it was your first kiss all over again.

Do things that you typically would not think to be a date even.

 

Some of my favorite dates and sexual experiences did not cost a fortune. They did not take place in traditional ways.

But instead they revealed to me my lovers desire, joy, inner child and explorer. They created a space for each of us to explore ourselves and each other in ways that we had not yet.

 

One time I was told to meet my lover at a gas station. I did so and he filled up my car, then told me to drive next door and give my keys to the man at the detail shop. I did so. He followed me and picked me up there. I got into his car, he blind folded me, kissed me passionately and asked if I was ready for a little fun adventure.

 

I said yes.

He said okay we got 90 minutes.

Next thing I knew he handed me a glass of my favorite chardonnay in a togo wine glass. I took a few sips and he took it from me replacing it with some glass yoni eggs and told me to insert them and do some squeezes.

 

I did so.

Then he handed me a little bullet vibrator and told me to insert that.

And so I did.

There I sat, eggs vibrating in my vagina, wine back in hand, blindfolded in his car as he drove around a parking lot a bit to make sure I had no clue what direction we were headed next.

 

From there he took me to lunch.

He parked the car,

came around my side and got me out, blindfold still on.

Walked me into a busy restaurant and told me to walk up to the nice man at the register and tell her I wanted the special.

ANd so I took a deep breath and did so.

As I did this I could hear all the people passing me by, talking about what was going on, wondering what we were doing, snickering. I could feel their eyes even though I could not see them. I had to face myself.

I had to face my own ego at this moment.

My lover took my hand and arm and walked me to a table where he sat me down, got me some more wine, helped me sip it and then he proceeded to feed me lunch while I sat there helpless and blindfolded.

 

Once done he walked me back to the car,

got me buckled in and took me off to….

 

Dessert of course. 🙂

He parked again,

walked me into a cold and strange smelling place.

Told me to ask the nice man at the register for the special, and so I did.

The man handed me a waffle cone with my favorite ice cream in it.

My lover took me back to the car, got me buckled and drove around in circles some more.

The sun would hit me in the eye’s every now and then and I found myself wanting for the next moment of surprise.

Sure enough he stopped the car.

Got me out but before doing so, took my shoes off.

As I got out I found myself standing on something wet and cool, he asked if I knew where I was, but I did not.

Then I got back in the car.

 

From there he drove a distance, the road changed from paved to dirt. And he parked.

He came around and got me out of the car, still barefoot.

He walked me through some grass, up and over a wood bridge of some sort and into a closed in space that felt like it was out in the middle of a field. Here is bound my wrists, kissed me some more and began to touch me passionately.

Before I knew it he was laying me down on a blow up mattress that was out here in this building we were in.

He removed my clothes, kissed my body with hunger.

My excitement grew.

I was trying to figure out where we were,

I could feel a breeze by my feet and my head at the same time, yet I was in some enclosed structure. As I scooted up the bed some and he proceeded to go down on me, my bound arms lifted above my head to only find themselves in some bushes and grass right there.

 

Where was I?

He devoured me.

He made passionate primal love to me.

It was heated and intense.

Once done, he grabbed me, stood me up, dressed me, walked me back to his car, unbound me wrists but kept the blindfold on.

Got me in the car, handed me my wine and then we drove off.

Before I knew it he was parking.

He leaned in, kissed me, told me he loved me and hoped that I enjoyed our adventure as he took off my blindfold.

 

There I was parked behind my now detailed and fully cleaned and gassed up car.

 

90 minutes after the time I had dropped it off.

He wished me a great afternoon and got me my car keys.

 

To this day I do not know all the details of this adventure.

But what I do know is how much I loved it.

How I will cherish that moment in time forever.

How I accessed a deeper level of myself, of my sex and of that relationship in that moment.

 

It was vulnerable.

It was intimate.

It was connective.

It required trust on both sides.

It was playful and it brought us both great joy.

 

And what did it take?

 

Well we will never know because he ain’t tellin’

but what it ultimately took was CREATIVITY and DESIRE TO PLAY.

 

And that is the point to this whole tale and to my livestream earlier.

 

In relationship we grow tired and bored of our sex and of each other because we forget how to court.

We forget how to play, to laugh and be joyous in our sex and relationship and therefore it all gets tiring and old.

Like a chewed up piece of gum that lost its flavor years ago.

 

But it does not have to be like that.

You can have a dynamic connective deep relationship if you will simply allow yourself to get real and raw,

to be seen and to enjoy.

 

Stop taking your sex so damn seriously.

Instead start enjoying your flesh, your partner’s flesh.

Your laugh and their laugh.

Get a little edgy with each other.

Discuss things you would like to explore and try.

Start to believe that you can be creative,

that you do have the time,

and that it does not have to take an arm and a leg to create spectacular events for the one you love.

 

 

It’s time to level up your love.

It’s time to stop accepting boring as your normal in your sex and relationship.

 

It’s time to get down and dirty and play in the sandbox together.

Seriously.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Ready to claim that F-ck Yes! Relationship with your partner?

Ready to stop settling for boring as your norm?

 

I sure AF hope so! Cuz’ you are worthy of so much more and so is your relationship and sex.

 

Reach out to me today to learn the secrets of a playful turned on relationship.

 

WATCH THE LIVESTREAM HERE NOW!

 

WE RISE AND WE FALL…

WE RISE AND WE FALL…

 

This is the cycle of love.

This is relationship.

We lean in and we reveal our deepest aspects,

trusting to be fully received, to be held and loved,

here in this space where we are willing to sacrifice ourselves so often to hold onto love,

to hold onto connection.

 

The feeling of love that whafts over us,

lifts us,

carries us and seems to heal our wounds,

heal our fears,

and make us have faith again in love,

in relationship,

in ourselves and in others.

The feeling of love has us want for more closeness,

makes us want to take away the space between ourselves and the the one we have put our attention toward,

we go deeper,

and we open in faith that this other human being will hold us safe no matter what,

we feel as though they will always choose us over anything else,

including themselves,

and we drift.

We drift into our delusions away from the truth,

away from our core,

away from reality and in this moment of believing that they will always choose us over even themselves,

we give away our power.

We lose ourselves.

 

And thus we lose the relationship.

For in the rise of what we call love,

we create our own suffering.

We cling to this other human making them our everything,

and we forget who we are.

Soon, we swirl and twirl within ourselves,

losing our footing,

and becoming whatever this other needs us to be,

instead of standing true to our core.

We start to lie to ourselves,

we tell ourselves that we do this or that for love,

that we must be something that we are not,

and that that is just how life is,

how love is and what is expected.

Our lies to self eat away at our core,

our spirit becomes enraged and feels suffocated,

but we continue the process of being,

being what our love needs of us.

Sharing our ideas,

sharing our hearts,

sharing our soul,

becomes less and less and we become a vessel of empty space,

empty space that leads to poison of the relationship,

of the love that we cherished so deeply.

And we fall.

 

What lifted us into the heavens,

what washed a smile over our face,

what lit us up and made us want for more,

now has us hiding.

Now creates pressure that we cannot breathe under.

And we fall into our own inner abyss,

fearful to share.

Fearful to damage,

fearful to hurt self or other by speaking our truth,

by leaning back into the space that we know we must go.

 

To stay alive,

to awaken from this pain body that we trapped ourselves in,

we must,

we must decide to choose us over the love,

over the other,

over everything.

And we lean in.

We lean into the raggedy edge of loving self,

enough to be true to our core.

And so we stretch into the awkward space that we had abandoned,

the space of US.

 

Here in this container of our soul,

we retrieve the lost aspects of who we once were.

We tap back into knowing our core,

and without warning we breathe in and find our world crumbling.

The love,

the relationship,

the other,

shatter.

The version of who we were for them, for the love that we had sacrificed ourselves for,

had believed their inauthenticity of loving us through anything,

of supporting us of being strong in our power,

in their claims of wanting all of us,

in holding us,

become clear once we choose coming home to self.

Coming back into alignment with soul.

Knowing our core and igniting ourselves from that space.

 

Yes now…

now that we are breathing,

now that we are feeling our core,

aligning back to soul,

that love,

it is no more,

and it appears that we are falling,

when in truth we are rising.

And what we were blind to was the reality that while we were choosing the relationship over our core,

that that was when we were actually falling.

 

True love is to lift us up to our greatest potential.

True love does not require us to step away from our core,

from our truth,

True love does not shame you for who you are,

true love not not desire to destroy what it fears,

because love does not fear anything,

least of all the rise of the soul.

 

————————————————————————-

 

To all those who sacrifice their core selves,

who step away from their soul and who they are,

in the name of love and have found themselves lost at the end of the day.

 

Love never expects you to be anything more or less then who you are.

 

Love expects you to love self first and most,

can hold your truth without reason or question and will never lie to you about its desires, or provide false hope in lieu of getting what it wants from you: You to conform to it.

 

Know thyself.

Love thyself.

Never second thyself.

 

And speak your truth even if it means goodbye.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”WE RISE

STOP AVOIDING THE GRAVITATIONAL PULL.

GRAVITY.

THE PULL OF SOMETHING THAT YOU CANNOT RESIST.

 

Gravity just is.

You can argue it,

you can try and fight against it.

Resist with all your might.

And much like mother nature,

the sea and the sky,

gravity does not care what is going on in your life, in your emotions, your bank account or with much of anything.

Gravity just is.

 

You can walk through life unconscious.

You can move with logic and reason,

creating the safest environment possible,

dotting all your “i” and crossing all your “t”

you can be smart AF and do it all right,

but no matter what,

gravity is always there,

and when it wants you to pay attention,

when your soul has had enough of your nonsense of ignoring your path,

denying yourself and your heart,

gravity will come along and quickly remind you of everything that you desire and long for.

 

Gravity is there pulling you back home.

 

We humans are really good at separation,

at stepping outside of ourselves,

away from our feelings and hearts,

We are great at saying that things don’t matter.

We do so with wonderful reason of not wanting to be selfish,

not wanting to be “that person” who is an asshole who disregaurds others for the sake of going after the life, the love, the wealth, the whatever we are being pulled toward.

And so we wonder our days shut down and closed off to the beauty of what life has to offer us.

We wonder in fear,

and we repress ourselves into spiritual starvation until we are diseased, depressed, lost and frustrated with no idea of who we are any longer.

 

And then gravity is there to catch us.

Into its grip we fall from our slumber of avoidance.

 

And we fall hard most often.

Often we don’t even see gravity coming for us.

It just happens one day.

 

BAM!

 

We wake one morning and we view life differently.

We meet people differently,

our hunger for who we are is just there,

in our face screaming at us and having us do things that we typically would not do.

Having us take action and make plans,

and we still fear the loss of our world that we have created,

but thanks to gravity we are strangely okay with whatever needs to happen, happening.

 

Gravity has us stop making excuses.

Gravity has us look in the mirror and say who the f-ck are you anyway?

Gravity awakens us to our next best step.

Gravity sets us on our path.

It puts us back to where we need to be.

 

Here, EMBODIED in self.

 

Because THIS life,

it’s not anyone else’s life but our own.

 

We are reminded by these gravitational points in life where we get our polarity adjusted to where it needs to be,

that we are here to live for self.

 

And in attempting to live for everyone else,

in putting ourselves on the back burner,

on turning or fires down,

on hiding our light,

our hearts, our passions and desires,

that we do no one any favors.

Because we live in a weakened state of being.

We give all our power over to others,

and we no longer remain.

All that we came here to be, to share, to experience in our life vanishes when we stop living for ourselves.

And with it we stay just out of the grasp of what we crave the most.

 

OUR OWN HAPPINESS.

 

Living for others and by others will and desires will never bring us happiness.

 

Living with the fear of the “what if I am who I am,”

no one will accept me here,

no one will love me here,

no one can handle me here.

 

Living in this fear,

where the only solution is to hide self.

Shrink self,

and pretend to be whatever we perceive will keep the peace,

make others happy in the pursuit to make ourselves feel safe and hopefully happy because we feel safe,

simply will not bring what we desire at the end of our days.

 

Gravity when we open ourselves to those things that pull us in,

calls to us from the wild,

and says,

 

“Come over here.”

“Over here.”

“Here”

 

And when we listen to the pull,

we move toward the pull,

we lean,

we fall,

we run toward the pull,

Those things are catalysts to the life and joy,

the sheer ecstasy that we crave.

 

Gravity is a sign of our path home to self.

Back to our power.

Back to our souls and hearts.

 

Pay attention to the gravitational pull,

it is there for a significant reason.

It is calling you home.

 

Few things in this life will have a strong gravitational pull,

but those that do are worth the attention,

the time,

the commitment.

 

Run toward them.

 

You will discover the life, the love, the wealth that you have always dreamed of here,

here in your home.

 

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

It’s time to receive the lover of your dreams.

 

It’s time to stop fearing the what ifs.

 

It’s time to say yes to your F-ck Yes Life,

 

Now and forever more.

 

 

Reach out to me for coaching opportunities globally.

CATCH ME IN THE EXHALE.

 

CATCH ME IN THE EXHALE

 

The exchange of more than breath. 

The release of more than just air. 

 

The exhale. 

The release. 

The letting go. 

The feeling. 

The exchange that can only be experienced when a deep intimacy is present.

 

We crave to experience it, 

We value and fear it. 

We know its worth, 

But we have little concept of it.

Intimacy, 

True intimacy eludes us in our relationships and often throughout our lives.. 

We hear the tales of intimate love, 

Intimacy in our sex, 

With God and spirit. 

But we hardly grasp what it legitimately is. 

 

That is until we have it upon us. 

Breathing its existence into every fiber of our being. 

And then we know. 

Then it is unquestioned. 

Intimacy is the most powerful energy connection that two people can share. 

It exceeds the physical dimensions. 

It can be felt from opposite sides of the planet, 

It is a breathtaking connection of the rarest form. 

But why is it so elusive to the majority of people, 

For the majority of our lives?

Especially when we crave it, 

Work toward it, 

Value it and believe that we have it often to only discover that we are not even touching its rim when our reality awakens us to how distant we are in our lives from self, lovers and mates as well as God?

 

How do we so easily mistaken intimacy for the physical, 

Or for communication or time shared?

How do we believe that intimacy is a physical sexual act, 

Or something that can only be held in a container with just one?

 

When intimacy is expansive. 

Just like the exhale, 

It’s in the letting go and allowing of. 

It’s in the leaning into its ebb and flow, 

It’s in the energy of the exchange. 

The crossing of energetic paths and the meeting of souls that are aligned. 

It is the energetics of connection. 

It is the depth that we journey into, 

That exceeds words, actions and thought. 

There is no distance that can prevent us from touching our lover intimately, 

Through our sexual energy when we have this connection. 

We can go there on the waves of emotion felt, 

The visions we share, 

The heartbeat of our combined ripples in time. 

It is the exhale to our lovemaking, 

It is the exhale from our running toward, 

It is the exhale in our surrender, 

And the exaltation of our joy in our meeting. 

 

Intimacy is an energetic connection that has no reason to the ordinary. 

It has no explanation as to why we have it with some and why no matter how hard we work to achieve it with others that it can never be. 

 

There is no true methodology to create it. 

It balances on the tightrope of vulnerability and unconditional love. 

It needs witnessing and embracing for its truth. 

And it can never live when it is controlled, harnessed or demanded to exist when it is not in its natural state. 

 

You must catch it in the exhale of your very existence, 

And in the exhale of all that you know and have known. 

Because here is the only place where you can discover its beauty and strength. 

Its depth and value, 

It is the only place that you will be able to appreciate it for what it is and see that it is nothing like that, that you have experienced thus far. 

 

When you release into the exhale of intimacy you will allow yourself to drift without question. You will enjoy the simplest of things and find yourself speaking without a need for words. 

The silence of your energetic communication will be met with eye’s of knowing and hearts abound with love. 

 

You will fall in trust into intimacy, 

Because it is there to soothe you. 

It is there to comfort and hold you in the knowing. 

 

Can you feel it?

Have you felt it?

 

Truly. 

 

Or are you still captivated by the illusion of what you believe it should be and unhappy with the results of what you have?

 

Do you find yourself scratching your head in bewilderment at what I speak of. 

Unable to grasp its power. 

Unwilling still to lean into the challenging space of the unknown. 

And let go. 

 

Exhale into all that you crave with life, 

With your lover or mate, 

Your child and friend, 

With God and self. 

 

Intimacy is about the revealing of your deepest self. 

It is about taking down all the barriers and being seen. 

Intimacy has no boundaries. 

Not physical nor space. 

And that is the challenge of the human mind. 

We resist the inability to control. 

We fear what we have no say in. 

And so we turn our backs on the beauty of what we crave. 

We hide and complain, 

We fight for the limitations of it and we disregard the fact that it us that is setting up the walls to this beautiful energetic connection. 

It is our eyes that are blinded by fear. 

Hidden from our sight by ego. 

We can not recognize under the veils that we cover ourselves with the falsities of fear.

 

And so it remains elusive. 

And we sit in our inner chaos, 

desiring what we believe it is, 

Wanting always for more. 

And never satisfied. 

Always lost and empty to some degree in the relationship of life. 

With our lovers, ourselves and God.

 

But it is time my love. 

It is time to let go and exhale. 

That is where you will catch me at. 

That is the space that I choose to surrender into and meet you there. 

 

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.” Rumi.

 

Yes here. 

 

Here my love. 

Here is where you will find me, 

Witnessing self and life. 

Exhaling into intimacy. 

Into you. 

Into me. 

Into life. 

 

Will you catch me in the exhale?

 

Breath.

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

It’s time to receive the lover of your dreams.

It’s time to stop fearing the what ifs. 

It’s time to say yes to your F-ck Yes Life, 

Now and forever more. 

 

Reach out to me for coaching opportunities globally.

I DANCE FOR HIM

 

I DANCE FOR HIM. 

 

For his eyes only, 

On the stage of life. 

I twirl. 

An aerial dance under the stars, 

Amidst the pixies and angels, 

The fawn and imps. 

I dance with his eyes looking up on me. 

 

My hands on the rope that holds me afloat, 

Twirling, 

Gliding, 

Swinging through the heavens, 

And he smiles. 

 

The fairies watch from the limbs of the tree that I dance in, 

the pegasus fly over the lotus moon, 

The wind carries me higher, 

With each swirl and swoop, 

The stars twinkle and dance with me. 

As the universe opens herself up and receives the dance, 

And I her’s. 

Here on this magical night, 

Lost in the woods, 

We dance. 

We commune and we enter the land of love. 

 

Centaur stands guard, 

Strong and fierce, 

His primal stride as he paces, 

Watching the tree line. 

He is my protector. 

He is my guide in the night’s mysteries. 

 

The forbidden fruit of the dance, 

Becoming lost in its sweetness, 

The juices of its existence drip from the limbs that I swing, 

And its nectar covers me. 

Sticking to my fingertips as I twirl, 

And glide. 

Licking my lips as I run my tongue along the rope that holds me. 

Desiring to be taken, 

To be carried. 

Up into the heavens. 

My arms rise and fall, 

As does my breath. 

I can feel him close. 

In his gaze, 

In his tender hunger. 

He haunts me. 

His eyes a glow in the distance. 

Will he come, 

 

Or just stay where he is?

 

As I twirl, 

Sinking my toes in the damp mossy earth beneath me, 

Dropping my body back, 

Arching and pulling. 

My hunger intensifies. 

My ravenous heart wants for its desire. 

Begging to be released from its shackles. 

I dig in. 

And breathe…

 

He has me in his sight. 

Growing closer and stepping back. 

Our energies collide. 

 

I am soft and fluid. 

I am surrendering to my nature and desire. 

And I call to him.

 

Feet against the earth, 

The call of wolves in the distance. 

He is unbound and ready. 

He is hunting me. 

Hungry for his prey. 

And I am ready to be taken under his fang and claw. 

Release me. 

 

The fairies and unicorns, 

Winnie and chant. 

Awaiting the union. 

The birthing of magic. 

The communion of love and intimacy. 

Time and space holding no bounds any longer. 

And I breathe him in. 

Closer he comes, 

No stepping back now. 

He is in my midst. 

Watching me up close. 

His breath on my shoulder, 

Hand on the dimples of Venus, 

My heart skips. 

My hair tousled and loose, 

As it moves with each breath, 

And we twirl. 

We move with the rhythms of the earth. 

It cannot be stopped. 

 

Together we dance. 

For us. 

For love. 

For eternity. 

 

The hippocampus leap from their dreamy waters of the lake as they celebrate, 

Troll, kelpie and manticore rejoice by the fires of eternity. 

For it is the night of convergence. 

Of werewolf and dragon. 

Setting their love free. 

 

And we dance. 

Into the heavens and through hell. 

Thousands of years. 

The dance of eternity. 

Of mystery. 

Sin and saving grace. 

It is never ending and always beginning. 

 

Breathing deep. 

Arms open. 

Twirling under the stars. 

The heavens welcome the dance. 

As do our hearts and souls. 

 

And I dance. 

I dance for him.

 

-KW

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Ready to dance for love?

Dance for life?

Dance the dance that you were born for.

Its time now to act on your hearts desires and SAY YES.

Yes to you.

Reach out to learn more about coaching opportunities.

Private, Global. Local, 1:1 – Limited Opportunities.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF – I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANTED YOUR SEX, HIS SEX, HIS SEX AND HIS….

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF….

I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANT YOUR SEX…

HIS SEX… HIS SEX… AND HIS…..

 

That’s a hard pill to swallow no matter if you are a man or a woman hearing it from your partner.

 

When the one you have invested your life with,

shared so many firsts with,

are doing this thing called life with,

comes to you and says that they desire to explore another,

or a few others.

 

The first reaction is fear.

The next anger.

And then you question,

“whats wrong with me, why am I not good enough.”

 

It feels like your partner has just told you that you mean nothing to them.

It feels like they just drove a million swords into your heart,

into your love and happiness.

And you find yourself not trusting.

feeling lonely, jealous and mad AF!

 

Whether they have acted on the desire of exploring another or not,

Most people struggle with their partners sharing a hunger for anyone but them.

Most feel threatened that their partner would ever even admire someone else.

Let alone say that they may want to explore someone else.

This goes against everything that we have taught since marriage came into play thousands of years ago.

 

But I tell you this little tidbit of truth in relationships.

No matter if you are in a monogamous or open relationship,

it is crazy stupid to think that all our desire,

all our noticing of others,

all of our attractions end for anyone else on this planet and is to ONLY be directed toward the one that we have sworn our sex too, our hearts too, our lives with.

 

The belief that desiring another is not healthy is perhaps one of the most toxic beliefs that can fall into a relationship.

It causes shame, guilt and separation in the relationship.

It prevents each party from being truly authentic with self or each other, and it creates a victim mindset.

 

Think about it,

In our culture that values but does not uphold monogamy we have programmed ourselves to believe everything that is not coming from love.

 

We say that we unconditionally love someone.

We say that we value honesty and truth above anything.

we say that we want our partner to shine,

to be happy and feel their best.

We claim that freedom is high on our list of desires.

We say that we do not want to own anyone.

And then we do everything in our power to do just the opposite.

 

And we start by preventing our partner from feeling their truth.

and ourselves as well.

 

We start by saying that from here forth we are it for each other.

Neither of us will EVER think about, look at or have a desire for anything or anyone outside of this relationship.

 

And if one of us do,

well we certainly better never admit it,

but if we do have a thought or feeling and it gets seen by the other then that will cause great jealousy and fear.

It will prove that the desiring partner is not to be trusted.

It will prove that the love was not real.

It will prove that there is a lack of commitment.

 

Here we have some of the greatest lies told to humans in relationships.

 

THE LIE THAT JEALOUSY IS NORMAL AND IT IS AN INDICATOR OF LOVE.

 

Jealousy has zero to do with love and everything to do with fear and lack of self-worth. It is about controlling someone else through emotional warfare to hold them in place to where we remain comfortable and feel safe. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity in the one feeling it and has NOTHING to do with actual love.

 

THE LIE THAT YOU SHOULD MEET YOUR PARTNERS EVERY NEED AND IF YOU DON’T THEN YOU ARE INADEQUATE OR THEY ARE TOO NEEDY.

 

This is a most unreal expectation placed on all of us in a relationship.

No one will ever be able to meet someone elses every need. No where else in our life experience are we expected to fulfill every need met for any person in our lives, children, friends or work related, we understand that it takes a village to meet all the needs. However when it comes to our sexual/romantic relationships we believe differently.

 

Here we get trapped in the concept that our partner MUST be our everything. That they must complete us. And if they do not or we cannot for them then we are not good enough or they are not.  If we do everything that we can to fulfill every need and fall short then perhaps our partners are too needy, perhaps they want for too much and are even using us or taking us for granted.

 

When in truth these expectations are simply unreal, causing shame, guilt and feelings of a lack of worthiness or enoughness in one or both parties.

 

THE IDEA THAT YOUR INSECURITIES ARE YOUR PARTNER’S RESPONSIBILITY TO TIP TOE AROUND AND NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK ON.

 

We are told that if our partner loves us then they will do everything in their power to not hurt us. To not harm our feelings and that if our feelings get hurt that it is a direct attack from someone who is being selfish and uncaring. We walk into a relationship expecting the other to magically never trigger us into any negative feelings or thoughts and to be able to read our past memories and current moods and thoughts without us having to say anything to them. And when they do not… OMFG! how disrespectful and uncaring.

The blame game is among one of our favorite games to play because it takes our responsibility away from managing ourselves and allows us to manipulate our partners emotions by having them believe that they are so powerful because of the love that we hold for them to make or break us in any given moment. We expect them to change and to grow, to become better so that we can somehow avoid the hassle of ownership of our own mind, hearts and actions. “You made me feel….” ” You should have known…” etc.

 

The truth is that NO ONE is responsible for our feelings or thoughts. Our hyperactive sensitivity has nothing to with this world or anyone else in it, instead it shows how insecure we are in ourselves about who we are and how we choose to turn over our power consistently in the pursuit to get what we want the most in that moment… control over someone else’s actions, thoughts and feelings.  The only person who can ever help us or change us is the person in the mirror and until we fall in love with that person and fully accept them in all their humanness we will never feel secure in the arms of another.

 

THE BELIEF THAT COMMITMENT IS SYNONYMOUS WITH EXCLUSIVITY.

 

Commitment = Exclusivity is the common belief. If you desire or need any other romantic/sexual or emotional relationship then you are not committed. Matter a fact you are considered to have commitment fears and issues.  This is sort of like saying if you have more than one child you can only be committed to one child and none of the others. There is only so much love to go around. Only so much concern. If you are committed then you should not ever have any curiosity. You should never feel a connection with anyone else.

And if you do, well you are not committed. You are not to be trusted. And certainly do not value the love that you share.

 

When the truth is that these two are not the same.

To be committed is to be dedicated and loyal to someone.

That does not mean that you have to exclude every other person from your life and all relationships that may trigger your partner.

Commitment is something that is unique by definition to each individual, because loyalty or dedication means something different to each.

Yet in many relationships we believe that once we are with someone that we can no longer have friends of the opposite sex, that we have to be completely different around the opposite sex, and we have to close off our personalities, close down the things that we enjoy and avoid at all cost or risk the perception that we are not committed in our relationship. This also comes back to the concept that we are responsible for our partners’ insecurities.

But it is not true.

 

THE IDEA THAT YOUR VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY THEY SPEND WITH YOU, AND ZERO-SUM COMPETITION WITH EVERYTHING ELSE THEY VALUE IN LIFE – INCLUDING OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.

 

When we are in a romantic relationship we feel like we need to attach at the hip.  After all, this person is our person. This is our best friend, our lover, our life partner. We should want to spend as much time together as possible, right. And if they care, if they really love us then there will be zero competition with anything else in their lives. They will want to be with us more than they want to learn that new skill, or play with their hobby, more than they want to work on themselves or build their career, and they most certainly will ALWAYS choose us over any other relationship.

 

Just because we are in a romantic relationship does not mean that all of our desire for everything else should go away.  It does not mean that we stop wanting to explore and expand alone. It does not mean that we must spend every possible waking moment together nor that we need to experience every first with each other. These are ridiculous, illogical ideas that can not be manifested without killing desire for our partner and creating boredom.

In order for us to crave our partners we must expand as an individual. We must have a life outside of our mate.  So often people feel like they have lost themselves, that they don’t know who they are anymore or that their partner does not see them anymore. This all stems from the fact that they prevented the space for growth as an individual and thus lost the magic of the relationship.

 

THE IDEA THAT BEING OF VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER SHOULD ALWAYS MAKE UP A LARGE PORTION OF HOW YOU VALUE YOURSELF.

 

You complete me is a common statement that you hear in romantic relationships.  The idea of being completed by someone lends to it the concept that because we feel fulfilled by a relationship that if that person ever changes or needs for something else or more that in turn we are not of as much value to them therefore we lose our own self-value because the thing that shows of the evidence of being worthy and valuable/lovable has changed.

 

This is crazy. Self-worth, love and value should never be sought for or hinge on anything outside of ourselves and our relationship to self and if we believe in God then to God or Source. The outside world and everyone in it just like ourselves are ever changing. We have no control over what occurs outside of ourselves and if we hinge our value on such we will never be strong in who we are or know ourselves. We will never feel safe or be able to trust.

 

THE IDEA THAT THERE IS A “ONE” OR SOULMATE AND THAT THIS INSURMOUNTABLE LOVE CAN OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLES OR DIFFERENCES.

 

We buy into the idea that there is only “one” true love and that when we find it that it will be able to conquer all challenges.  However, when that does not happen then we feel shortchanged, untrusting and question if love even exists.  The reality is that love, any love has its limits because we do not think of love in an unconditional way. We mix love up with need therefore the love that we desire to achieve in our relationships often comes with many hidden expectations as well as feelings of a need to control it out of fear of losing it. 

The concept of “the one” is beautiful and brings with it the idea that we are uniquely made just for someone else, meaning that we are indispensable to our partner. However this like so many other toxic beliefs in relationships is illogical. We each are unique no matter what, however if we are so needed by someone else is that love or need that is ruling our relationship and thus heart and with that is there any room for each individual to grow, change or transform as life will do to all of us? There is not under the guise of this belief. Because if we evolve as individuals then we may grow out of certain needs with our soulmate. Thus creating separation and a disconnect if both are not growing singularly as well as a couple.

In truth what we see with “the one” is that we are each “the one” for RIGHT NOW for someone and they for us. And maybe that relationship is romantic, maybe it is not.  But what we are to gain from the relationship experience is a greater knowing of self through the experience of another who challenges us, triggers us and calls us forth to become so much more of who we truly are.

 

These relationship myths and beliefs are an under current to our society. They are put on pedestals in our culture from movies and songs, to paintings and literature. They are focused upon in our spiritual study and ingrained in us from our pastors, family and friends.

All of them lead us to a false concept of love.

Unreal expectations of relationships for self and our partners and separation of self by preventing us from not owning our hearts, our thoughts and feelings, let alone our desires and needs out of fear of losing what we call love that is actually control over another.

 

No matter the label that you put on your relationship the question that you should ask of yourself and your partner of RIGHT NOW is,

“Can I be me unapologetically and authentically without a fear of losing you because of me being me? “

 

If you can both answer yes truthfully then you have love and acceptance of self and each other. These are the building blocks to an ever evolving relationship and life.

 

If not, then you need to ask yourself if sacrificing yourself for your lifetime will ever bring you the happiness and love that you are hoping it will?

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to learn more about authentic relating and how to develop a relationship based in unconditional love? Reach out to me to learn more about my couples and individual coaching today.

It’s time to realize that you are worthy of a beautiful relationship.