Tears are on the cusp of escaping my eye’s today.
I feel this heaviness on my chest,
my heart feels constricted and tight, like it is being held in a metal clasp with daggers penetrating it.
I want to cry.
I want to be washed clean of this pain.
My mind keeps running through all the memories,
all the experiences. Those seemingly precious moments where intimacies were shared. Where I felt like I was being held in a new place of truth and love.
Those moments where I found myself exploring adventures and concepts that I never would have thought up on my own.
I find myself in gratitude and disgust.
I find myself in fear and disbelief.
How is it possible that two people can come together,
experience such beauty, and at the end of the cycle wish to destroy?
How can love and friendship turn to hatred and rage?
How can you one moment proclaim that you love someone more than you have ever loved before and then moments later turn around and speak disgust about them behind their backs.
creating false realities and condemning,
all the while pretending that you want to be with them?
This is my morning of tears.
This is my morning of reality as I uncover the truth of all that I thought that was,
that NEVER was.
The issue with these events is not the break up.
The issue is not even the lies and pain that they cause.
The issues is not the physical damage that we may take on from it or the new reality that we are thrown into at the awareness that the love was all fake.
No the issue is TRUST.
And the trust breech that we face and fear even more when we come face to face with things is OUR OWN.
How could we not see it?
How could we be so blind?
If we could not pick up on this then how will we protect ourselves from it in the future?
The writing is always on the walls. And if I am horribly honest with myself then even I have to admit that in my case, I KNEW.
I knew the sort of man he was.
I new his need to control.
I knew his closed down heart.
I new his disrespect for emotions.
I knew his hatred toward women.
I knew his insecurities as a man.
But I believed that I could love him through it.
I believed that he just had never been given the opportunity to heal these things before and that I was STRONG enough, OPEN enough and PATIENT enough.
All of these things only made him feel weaker.
All of these things only back fired on me and made him hate me more, destroy me more.
And so the rumors fly.
And so he attempts to crush what he hates in all the ways his ego directs. Standing firm in his right to make a point, be right, to control the situation, he alpha dogs yet again.
remaining true to his character.
True to his past.
True to all that he believes of himself.
I remain in LOVE.
And I dig a little deeper into my pain.
And yet deeper into my fear.
And even deeper into my wound.
This wound that keeps being carved open further as the days go by and the lies make themselves known.
At the bottom of it all still remains my TRUST.
Do I allow this moment…
this lost soul…
to destroy the beauty of my FAITH in God?
Do I CHOOSE to allow it to take me further into a DEEPER TRUST?
A fuller FAITH.
It is always our choice what we do with the drama and trauma of our lives.
Many of us choose to allow it to harbor us from the joy and bliss that is on the other side.
Many of us choose to allow it to mask our hearts and souls.
Many of us choose to pretend it never happened even.
Hoping that if we just ignore it will somehow magically go away.
This never works.
It only turns us into what we are fearful of.
It turns us into those that create this sort of shit.
Life is about owning your own crap but KNOWING what is ours and what is not.
Every event in our life is an OPPORTUNITY to get closer to God or to turn away from God.
It is in our CHOOSING that we decide our futures.
It is our CHOOSING that we manifest our curses or our blessings.
This is SOUL ALIGNMENT.
This is where you decide what you want to call into the next chapter of your life.
Falling into the arms of HATRED, ANGER, EGO and CONTROL will always only lead you one place….
A land of self made misery.
One’s own inner hell where no one can help you escape but yourself.
Ask yourself this:
“Am I happy with whom I am TODAY?”
Now look into your eye’s in the mirror and ask:
” Is this true?”
Wait for the response from your soul.
That soul that is quiet and meek, but strong and truthful.
Here is your path.
Stop Existing & Start Living