My heart felt like it was being crushed.
My chest had a weight on it that no matter how I tried to calm my breathing,
no matter the stretching and massaging that I provided my chest,
the pressure and constriction simply would not stop.
There was this low grade level of anxiety rising in my system as I could feel my body fighting with me.
But why was this happening?
I was not fearful of travel.
I was not feeling out of sorts with my lover who was sitting right there with me.
There was nothing that I could consciously come up with in this moment that would support the pain that I was in.
Fast forward a few hours….
We had landed. Gotten our car. And made it to the fauntleroy ferry in West Seattle. I was feeling far calmer now then just a few hours prior in the Uber ride to the airport.
However as soon as our Jeep rolled onto the ferry and we got parked the overwhelming feelings of being crushed and the anxiety made themselves known again.
Breathing deep as I could in the moment I quickly walked myself to the upper deck of the ferry and called my breath as I looked out over the harbor to Vashon Island. The wind encompassed me with the soft smell of sea salt in it,
the waves crashed up against the sides of the ferry, the sun let me feel delicate moments of warmth on the skin that was revealed and here I was in this moment,
There was no reason in this moment to stand here on this ferry and cry,
yet the tears came anyway.
And as they did the release into whatever was holding in my chest and begging me to let it go left with them.
Here on the ferry overlooking the water I surrendered to the unknown.
I let myself go into what logically made no sense.
I was happy.
I was excited to share my love of Washington with my lover for a few days.
I was feeling relaxed until I was not.
And my mind wanted answers.
My mind wanted to become Sherlock Holmes and figure it all out,
make reason for the pain,
and my holding of it.
But my soul and heart understood its truth.
My body and mind had been arguing you could say.
They were not in alignment.
And THAT is what was causing me to suffer.
WIthout realizing it I was not surrendering to the beauty and release of this trip. I was holding onto an old concept,
I was holding onto the version of me who used to live here in Seattle all those years ago and STRUGGLE in life.
who missed so much of the greatness of this place.
Here I was 15 years later, holding onto these fragments of self.
Not letting myself release fully into who I have become.
Who I have grown into being and the life that I have today.
The fear of the old me was actually creating physical pain in the current. The old thought programs and beliefs around money and relationships that I use to try to exist in life were being unmasked in my energy and my current state of who I AM was being asked by my old sabotaging thoughts and ideas to lay down and shut up.
And here was the significant constriction that I was feeling.
The feeling like I could not breathe.
The feeling like my chest was going to explode and my ribs were being broken from the inside out.
The agony in my gut.
And the intense headache that came with it all as my whole being just wanted to flee the idea of this trip I had planned.
I was not surrendering to me.
I was not surrendering to this moment.
I was not surrendering to life or what it was blessing me with.
And I was not surrendering all because of an old concept and old beliefs that were trying to make themselves current.
I was out of alignment.
The issue with my alignment was causing me the pain and the fear.
The only thing that could save me was my own surrender into the depths of the unknown,
into this moment.
into this experience.
into life and what it was offering me.
And as I did so,
the tears streamed down my face,
the wind whipped itself around me,
the waves crashed against the ferry boat,
the sun shone through the clouds and asked to warm my skin,
and I took a deep breath letting it all go.
My world was right again.
My body let go of everything that it was holding,
and it let go of the need to falsely try and control what it could not control.
It let go of this moment in life and allowed the moment to JUST BE.
Without a need to know what was going to come next.
Without the need to hold onto the moment and ask that it never change or leave.
My SOUL was again in the driver’s seat,
and in it I was aligned.
Some would look at moments like this or times that they feel these same constrictions and fears, anxiety and “gut reactions” as signs to turn and go another direction.
and sometimes they can mean just that for sure,
However often they are signs that we are on the tipping edge of everything that we desire to be birthed into our world and our old versions of self are there testing us.
Asking us if we are sure that we truly want everything that we have proclaimed that we do.
Many people at this moment misread what their body, mind and emotions are speaking to them and they turn away from EVERYTHING.
They will say,
“That’s just too risky.”
“I need to see it to believe it.”
“I need to know that this person is as invested as I am.”
” I don’t want to hurt so and so or get hurt.”
“Timing is wrong, I can feel it.”
And they step away from life.
They step away from some of the best moments of living.
They turn away from the experiences that will grow them into that next version and they do it all in the name of “having a feeling.”
They do it based on logic.
They do it because they look at the suffering and pain,
the anxiety as a symbol that THIS IS NOT THE PATH.
When that is not at all what is being said.
Your SOUL is saying this FEAR that you are having right now is here telling you that THIS….
THIS is the perfect path that will transform you into that next beautiful version of who you were born to become.
This fear that you are having is here because you have control issues and life is not for controlling, it is here for you to love and enjoy,
and in your loving and enjoying of each delicate moment and your release into the unknown you BIRTH YOURSELF.
And you BECOME.
But you must SURRENDER.
In the small moments as well as the big ones.
Because the universe/God is not looking at the size of the moments,
but at your ability to be in alignment with SOURCE.
That is the meaning of FAITH.
That is having CERTAINTY that you will always get what you want for and need.
That is how you make MAGICK in your life and THRIVE.
Can you surrender to life?
We are all being asked to do just this.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
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