I REMEMBER TAKING THIS PICTURE WITH MY DOG RUDDY… I HAD JUST TURNED 16.
The year was 1992.
It was autumn, my favorite season and I was madly in love with a boy. I got my mom to take this picture of me to send a hard copy (yeah no texting or email back then) it was snail mail… to my boyfriend who was in boot camp.
We wrote to each other daily.
Hating to be apart, however, the game plan was that he served four years and that would get him the college he wanted plus provide us housing, loans and opportunities once I was of legal age.
I had freshly graduated high school myself, and was working at my mothers clothing store in a small Northern California town that I call home, Chico. Under her thumb I listened to her daily fearfully warn me of his ill intentions. Telling me about how he was most likely cheating on me, running around with his buddies and doing who knows what. She warned me that he would abandon me like my father had abandoned us. Her anger for the masculine was obvious and yet I listened, wanting to know her thoughts but not feeling in alignment with them at my core.
I believed differently.
I trusted him.
I loved him.
And we had plans together.
My mother, bless her resting soul, I know had the best desires for me, however through the course of time she managed to teach me one very unuseful thing.
TO NOT TRUST MY HEART.
Her rampage about my boyfriend often ended with her anger and bitterness toward my father. I would and still do recall her many tales to me of how she hated being married, how she felt controlled but that was the bed she had to be in. She proclaimed her status as a victim to life and to the relationship and she shared openly her pains about it with myself from the youngest of ages. I was forever her sounding board. Although her desires for my life were most likely set in love, they did bare with them the idea that I was going to be used without choice by the masculine and to NOT trust men at all cost. Try as I might to ignore her feelings and beliefs and hold firm to my own, they did manage to seep into my psyche and have caused me much pain through my adult years.
Because you see, my mothers fears and experiences ended up laying the foundation to me doing what I felt I “had or should” do in life and relationships instead of following my intuition and heart or soul. As a young adult, I had no idea that I was in as much control of the outcomes of my life as I understand now. I believed that I was a victim to what life handed me and that I had to make the most “logical or smart” choices for my survival as I could.
And so, I got married to a man a decade my senior at 18. I had babies. I worked a job. I focused on setting up the house that appeared “normal and expected of me” and I was unhappy to my core.
I did not chase the boy who held my heart at that time.
I let him go, believing that he had abandoned me just like my mother predicted. And because life tends to give us what we expect, he did walk away from me. Or run from the wrath of my mother, but that’s a different tale for another day.
My mom was so happy the day I got married.
She was ecstatic the day I gave birth to my eldest child, a daughter.
I recall her tears on both events and her grabbing me with sheer delight.
I wanted to make my mom proud.
I wanted to be different from other teenagers and young adults.
I knew I was intelligent and a self-learner.
I knew that I was pretty logical and sound in my reason,
that I was wise beyond my years.
After all, adults much older than I told me so often.
And perhaps I was.
But I wanted to do right.
And with the learning that my mother taught me to NOT TRUST MY HEART, but instead listen to only my mind and always make the smart play, I opened the gateway to listening to others, especially my husband.
I knew that my heart was unreliable.
It would do nothing but get me into trouble.
So when he would tell me that I was thinking, doing or acting a certain way because of……
Or that what I really wanted was….
Or that I would just enjoy this or that if I allowed myself…
Because he knew, I tended to believe him even though it felt off inside my body and heart.
Fast forward a few decades, My second long term relationship with a man ended with him telling me that maybe I just did not know how to be happy and did not know what love really was.
This man too also told me how I felt, why I felt this way and what I was thinking.
Both managed to get me to question my own reasoning, my feelings,my emotions, my actions and thoughts and they were strongly supported in their efforts to lead me on the best course of life by my mothers teachings of don’t listen to your heart but instead make the smartest play for your survival.
Neither relationship fulfilled me.
Neither relationship felt right.
Neither relationship was based in love,
they were based in mind.
And both relationships were guilty of gaslighting.
They both acted not in my best interest or even the best for the family, but instead acted according to the best interest in my partners desires, needs and ego. Whether that be sexually, business, moving houses, friendships, child rearing or what I did with my spare time or how I showed up as a partner.
What they wanted mattered more than what was right for me.
And I spent a ton of my adult years believing that this was the only way.
WOW! Was I ever wrong?
One day I discovered something different.
One day a spiritual teacher of mine confronted me on my allowance of such events and why I was choosing to ignore my greatest gift.
My GPS system to my soul, to life and to my power.
This teacher then spent a few years helping me transform my debilitating beliefs and showed me that the things that I feared were nothing to fear if I (get this…) listened to my heart and intuition. Through trial and error in learning myself again and coming home to ME, I rediscovered my path.
My power as a soul living a human experience and a co-creator of my life.
I found true connection with a partner where I feel certain in revealing myself and am not afraid to challenge him when I feel my soul and heart are not being heard.
I have discovered that I can show up just as I am and not need to sacrifice anything of myself to have that love based connection, nor feel safe and be able to trust and surrender in the relationship.
I have discovered that this coming home to my heart and soul,
the listening to my intuitions which at my core I have always known to be true, will ONLY GUIDE ME TO MY HIGHEST AND BEST LIFE in all areas.
And that is powerful AF!
We adults forget ourselves.
We change the way we transmit things in our brains by not using our creative sides, by ignoring what we feel and our curiosity.
We allow ourselves to create a time loop in our life where every day is groundhog day and we are okay with it because it is comfortable and safe, but we are not happy.
Today I challenge you to inquire with the self and to ask “Why am I not happy?” Really allow yourself to dig deep into your heart with this. Move past the ideas and conscripts that you have been taught that THIS IS what happiness is and that it is not okay to not be happy with the lot you have allowed yourself.
Ask yourself, “If I truly allowed myself to be/do/have anything that I wanted, how would I be choosing to show up in life, love, relationship right now?”
You are worthy of a life that makes you happy.
You are worthy of feeling and knowing that you are powerful.
But you have to first challenge the way you have allowed yourself to be gaslighted in life. Don’t accept that your core, your soul, your heart are faulty and that all that matters is the mind, your feelings about things are gifts from something more than what you believe is you.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Summer is upon us.
I have many local DFW workshops coming up to help you get educated, transform the way you move through life, let go of anxiety, fear and find your power once more. Reach out to me for deet’s and links on these, and for anyone looking to go deep in the work of YOU let’s chat about 1:1 mentoring where I can share what my master teachers shared with me so many years bacak that awakened me to my power and truth. Message me now for summer specials.
My heart felt like it was being crushed.
My chest had a weight on it that no matter how I tried to calm my breathing,
no matter the stretching and massaging that I provided my chest,
the pressure and constriction simply would not stop.
There was this low grade level of anxiety rising in my system as I could feel my body fighting with me.
But why was this happening?
I was not fearful of travel.
I was not feeling out of sorts with my lover who was sitting right there with me.
There was nothing that I could consciously come up with in this moment that would support the pain that I was in.
Fast forward a few hours….
We had landed. Gotten our car. And made it to the fauntleroy ferry in West Seattle. I was feeling far calmer now then just a few hours prior in the Uber ride to the airport.
However as soon as our Jeep rolled onto the ferry and we got parked the overwhelming feelings of being crushed and the anxiety made themselves known again.
Breathing deep as I could in the moment I quickly walked myself to the upper deck of the ferry and called my breath as I looked out over the harbor to Vashon Island. The wind encompassed me with the soft smell of sea salt in it,
the waves crashed up against the sides of the ferry, the sun let me feel delicate moments of warmth on the skin that was revealed and here I was in this moment,
There was no reason in this moment to stand here on this ferry and cry,
yet the tears came anyway.
And as they did the release into whatever was holding in my chest and begging me to let it go left with them.
Here on the ferry overlooking the water I surrendered to the unknown.
I let myself go into what logically made no sense.
I was happy.
I was excited to share my love of Washington with my lover for a few days.
I was feeling relaxed until I was not.
And my mind wanted answers.
My mind wanted to become Sherlock Holmes and figure it all out,
make reason for the pain,
and my holding of it.
But my soul and heart understood its truth.
My body and mind had been arguing you could say.
They were not in alignment.
And THAT is what was causing me to suffer.
WIthout realizing it I was not surrendering to the beauty and release of this trip. I was holding onto an old concept,
I was holding onto the version of me who used to live here in Seattle all those years ago and STRUGGLE in life.
who missed so much of the greatness of this place.
Here I was 15 years later, holding onto these fragments of self.
Not letting myself release fully into who I have become.
Who I have grown into being and the life that I have today.
The fear of the old me was actually creating physical pain in the current. The old thought programs and beliefs around money and relationships that I use to try to exist in life were being unmasked in my energy and my current state of who I AM was being asked by my old sabotaging thoughts and ideas to lay down and shut up.
And here was the significant constriction that I was feeling.
The feeling like I could not breathe.
The feeling like my chest was going to explode and my ribs were being broken from the inside out.
The agony in my gut.
And the intense headache that came with it all as my whole being just wanted to flee the idea of this trip I had planned.
I was not surrendering to me.
I was not surrendering to this moment.
I was not surrendering to life or what it was blessing me with.
And I was not surrendering all because of an old concept and old beliefs that were trying to make themselves current.
I was out of alignment.
The issue with my alignment was causing me the pain and the fear.
The only thing that could save me was my own surrender into the depths of the unknown,
into this moment.
into this experience.
into life and what it was offering me.
And as I did so,
the tears streamed down my face,
the wind whipped itself around me,
the waves crashed against the ferry boat,
the sun shone through the clouds and asked to warm my skin,
and I took a deep breath letting it all go.
My world was right again.
My body let go of everything that it was holding,
and it let go of the need to falsely try and control what it could not control.
It let go of this moment in life and allowed the moment to JUST BE.
Without a need to know what was going to come next.
Without the need to hold onto the moment and ask that it never change or leave.
My SOUL was again in the driver’s seat,
and in it I was aligned.
Some would look at moments like this or times that they feel these same constrictions and fears, anxiety and “gut reactions” as signs to turn and go another direction.
and sometimes they can mean just that for sure,
However often they are signs that we are on the tipping edge of everything that we desire to be birthed into our world and our old versions of self are there testing us.
Asking us if we are sure that we truly want everything that we have proclaimed that we do.
Many people at this moment misread what their body, mind and emotions are speaking to them and they turn away from EVERYTHING.
They will say,
“That’s just too risky.”
“I need to see it to believe it.”
“I need to know that this person is as invested as I am.”
” I don’t want to hurt so and so or get hurt.”
“Timing is wrong, I can feel it.”
And they step away from life.
They step away from some of the best moments of living.
They turn away from the experiences that will grow them into that next version and they do it all in the name of “having a feeling.”
They do it based on logic.
They do it because they look at the suffering and pain,
the anxiety as a symbol that THIS IS NOT THE PATH.
When that is not at all what is being said.
Your SOUL is saying this FEAR that you are having right now is here telling you that THIS….
THIS is the perfect path that will transform you into that next beautiful version of who you were born to become.
This fear that you are having is here because you have control issues and life is not for controlling, it is here for you to love and enjoy,
and in your loving and enjoying of each delicate moment and your release into the unknown you BIRTH YOURSELF.
And you BECOME.
But you must SURRENDER.
In the small moments as well as the big ones.
Because the universe/God is not looking at the size of the moments,
but at your ability to be in alignment with SOURCE.
That is the meaning of FAITH.
That is having CERTAINTY that you will always get what you want for and need.
That is how you make MAGICK in your life and THRIVE.
Can you surrender to life?
We are all being asked to do just this.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Message me for deets on the Magick Minute.
The universe is using you.
Yes you read that right.
The universe is using you.
You could say God is using you even.
But what are these forces greater than you using you for?
And I am not talking about making babies.
I am talking about making life, yes…
but not not babies.
The universe is using you to experience life.
To experience creation.
To create and to expand.
If you are not expanding then the universe is not expanding.
Therefore, you are always expanding.
And you do this through pain and pleasure.
You get to choose though how you expand.
You get to open yourself to the expansion and have the universe penetrate you in one of these ways.
When we struggle,
when we feel anxiety and great resistance to the good things that life has to offer us,
we are choosing pain over pleasure.
But the pain is not a bad thing,
it is not comfortable for sure to be in a state of pain and struggle, but it is not a bad thing because it creates desire.
And in the birthing of our desires we expand.
Desire for something more,
something better and grander,
is what we are here for.
That desire is what breeds life to happen.
That desire is what stokes our creative fires and gets us moving.
That desire is what ignites us to let go of our pain.
And when we let go of our pain and struggle,
when we realize that we have always had it,
that whatever we desire is already with us,
and that we are worthy of it,
our letting go of the pain is us letting go of the resistance to having that, that we want for.
Did you catch that?
You are not getting what you want in your life because you are not letting go of the pain of not having it.
So you are resisting having what you want.
You are applying your power, your ability to manifest to not having your desired outcome.
And therefore, that is what is given to you.
But with that resistance you expand your desire and hunger for what you are wanting for, giving it more power.
Creating more momentum.
The universe is there supporting your expansion in desire to create.
To birth this desire into play.
And to enjoy it.
And you will have it once you get your belief that you can have it on board with your desire to have it.
By doing this you become aligned.
And in getting aligned you receive it,
But the belief is shown from your ability to let go of the struggle, the fear, the anxiety, the worry, the pain.
Can you put it all down and look at your right now,
see the blessings and the joy of the right now,
no matter how small they may be?
Can you feel good right now by thinking a thought that opens your heart to love or to beauty?
Can you slow down right now enough to loosen your grip on the idea that you are sinking so that you can float?
This is what it takes.
This is what it requires for you to have the life and desires that you are wanting for.
And by letting go,
the universe will move through you with great momentum and miracles will occur.
You get to choose how long it takes to create your desired life.
You get to choose what you have in this life of yours.
You get to choose how abundant you are in love, in money and wellbeing.
You are such a powerful love.
It is true that when you ask it is given.
Your only job is to let go of the reigns of fear.
Are you ready to step on the gas in manifesting the life that you want for?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Take advantage right now of a lifetime opportunity to work with me in my intensive 4 week mastermind where you get to work 1:1 with me to learn the keys that I woke up to back in 2009 and changed my whole life outcome with. Let me guide you through the turbulence of the storms and show you the power of letting go of fear so that you can create the life of dreams, you know that you desire and deserve it. Let’s make it happen. Message me for deet’s
Do you ever have a moment in your life where you find your heart swelling with gratitude and love?
Where you are sitting in a state of awe over how effing blessed you are?
Do you ever just find yourself in tears to the magic that this life has to offer?
I have this frequently.
Just this morning my alarm went off a little after 5-AM.
I stretched, drank some water, went to the bathroom.
I came back to bed, snuggled under my furry blanket and wrapped myself up in my satin sheets.
My hand rested beside me and I felt my lovers erection,
he was sleeping, but his member was awake.
I smiled from within,
as I had a hunger to connect with him.
And so we made sweet love.
Wispers of pleasure,
my body was happy to receive him.
I joked that he needed to get going and shower, and get out the door to work,
but that I first demanded that he take care of me as I grabbed him.
The moment was playful,
it was loving and primal.
It was most of all connective,
and more so connective for me to embody myself then to even connect with him.
I found myself needing him to touch me,
needing him to bring me back to my breath,
needing ME to get present in my own flesh,
with my emotions,
and out of my head.
And this moment blessed me with just that.
Afterward, we kissed and he got me my morning coffee.
I sat in bed, breathed deep into my womb and relaxed my chest.
I found myself feeling so much gratitude for my life,
for the opportunities that I have,
I was grateful for the messes that I need to clean up today,
my home that needs tidied for a 3-day event happening in it this coming weekend,
for my children,
their laughter and joy.
I opened up my facebook and I scrolled through pictures and events that happened over the last eight weeks.
I looked at the travel, the birthdays, the dinners, the family and friends,
the authentic smiles,
I saw the blessings and felt JOY.
I felt INSPIRED to focus on just that and keep manifesting more of what feels so good.
I felt PEACE for where I am,
and EXCITEMENT for the path before me.
I felt GRATITUDE for being in my body and the messages that my SOUL shares through my body.
and I felt COMPASSION for self,
and UNDERSTANDING that I am just human.
This is how we create.
This is how we manifest our lives.
We grow and we manifest through being EMBODIED.
But so often we do not fathom what embodiment means,
let along how to achieve it.
We hide in our heads,
where the clutter and chaos of our fears and worries drown out our truth.
We run from our bodies,
and our emotions,
in belief that they will mislead us,
that they are weak and not to be listened too.
Yet as our world evolves,
science is pointing back to what we call spiritualism,
that crazy mystic shiz,
and it is revealing that thier is so much to the
MIND< BODY<SOUL connection.
That in order for us to truly live to our full capasity and expereince maximum well-being that we MUST embody ourselves and not exclude any aspect of this triad.
It is our ability to connect the dots of this three parts that enable us to be the alchemists of our lives.
When we are lost,
when we are full of anxiety,
our pathway of communication between
MIND<BODY<SOUL is disrupted.
Making it it virtually impossible to make correct life choices for ourselves.
We hinder our selves through disassociation to the body and the emotions.
This disassociation causes us to have life happen to us,
verses us creating the life that we want.
In today’s world there are new sciences being created to study just this MIND<BODY<SOUL connection and the pathways that create the communication needed to achieve our full capacity.
The medical field of bioelectronics was formulated just for this sole purpose.
And in it’s study,
the pathway of the Vagus nerve is a focus.
This is just what I speak of today,
and how I have intuitively created my F-ck Yes! Lifestyle.
Through a consistent practicec of activaing, and paying attention to this communication freeway.
Listening to its messages from SOUL to Body, to mind and acting from this KNOWING space.
You can do the same.
SImple steps and unederstanding,
following the guidance of vagus nerve coaching and practices to live your best life.
It really is.
And YOU can expereince the rewards.
Conscious Focus on Appreciation and Compassion.
Letting go of Control Based Thinking.
Becoming Body Present.
These are the steps.
Get activated now.
How do you support your MIND<BODY<SOUL Connection?
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
ANNOUNCING my New Global Group Coaching Program!
5-weeks of intensive yet simple education, strategy and exercises to create your desired life through activation and understanding of the Vagus Nerve.
PM for Pre-Launch interest in Group Vagus Nerve Coaching Program. Learn how to embody and stimulate your vagus nerve in a whole new way.
You can ravish your woman so deeply that her surrender breaks your heart into light. – David Deida
Lot’s of Cock & Under-fucked
” I feel nothing. I crave feeling you penetrate me deeply at a soul level but I cannot feel you even with my physical body. – Our sex is feelingless. “
I have this statement that I say sometimes about sex. It feels like I am fucking the air- it is empty and without sensation. How is this possible though when two bodies are coming together and physically connecting. Rubbing, stroking, penetrating. How can you hardly feel your partner? If at all?
So many people speak of sex ONLY from the physical level. They make it sound like sex is just sex no matter what the scenario. And for some forms of sex, sex is just sex. It is just a friction based stress release focused on the physical act and the fantasy of seeing or experiencing something that is not everyday. It is not intended or thought to be something that can penetrate your soul, provide deep purpose to ones life, alter your reality even and connect you not only to self and partner but a space where you discover all of life’s interconnectedness. This state of orgasm, of sexing is not for the timid or surface minded people of the world who are looking for further distraction and release to/from life’s troubles. This sort of sexing and orgasm is only discovered through full surrender and vulnerability. It is an extremely emotional event that can fill us with clarity, creativity, joy, bliss, tears, and heart expanding sensations. It can provide us with direction, a sense of purpose and a certainty that there is so much more that life has to offer and support. This sort of sex is healing. And science supports this.
I believe that women more so than men NEED, truly need this deeper level of connection and sex consistently in their lives. When I look out into the world and “people watch” I can point out an under fucked woman every few minutes and I have to work hard to find a properly fucked woman. Yet if I spoke to women and men alike I would hear tale after tale of the sex that was being had. This is where the misconception comes into play.
You can fuck a woman 3 times a day. Long and hard even and still ONLY be giving her your cock. She will still come out of the experience under-fucked. She may even have had some “real” orgasms. But what she is not having is sex that penetrates her very soul. What you as a man are not having, basking in or giving is sex that penetrates her soul and thus yours as well. As David Deida says, ” Penetrate your woman the way you want to penetrate the world.” – I share this quote often and what I get is the deer in the head lights look from men and women alike. The concept that a man should fuck a woman the way he wants to fuck the world and in turn be fucked open himself by the world is a hard, scary and intimidating concept to fathom. It requires a masculine that is confident, not cocky. A masculine that can allow himself to be seen and felt fully like the movie Avatar speaks of – ” I see you.” This is vulnerability. This is masculine surrender. The masculine that can open himself to his woman and know that his purpose in that moment is to not just give her dick and “make her orgasm” but to be carried to heaven through her orgasm and allow for her to take him to realms of pleasure and depth that he cannot take himself. This masculine is sexually mature. This masculine knows that the power of his cock is more than just a sexual sword to slay a woman’s sex with. He is not desiring to conquer her or control her but to be opened to her and the universe through their love making, their fucking. In doing this he not only expands his orgasm and self, he also creates a container for her to dance in. To release and be seen fully in her feminine design and orgasm. In this space the two come together and are no longer just having sex, they are gods and goddesses basking in the light of the creator and they are in their full power. Here the two can discover deeper levels of self, the universe, life and they can manifest greatness in all areas of their lives through their beautiful sexing. Here they fuck each other wide open.
So back to the title of this article – Lot’s of Cock & Under-fucked.
Ask yourself this, no matter if you are a woman or man, ” When was the last time that my sex was something more than a stress release; a duty; or focused on the physical nature of the act? When was the last time I felt so connected to my core, my soul and all of life during sex and orgasm? When was the last time my sex fulfilled me to a point that it carried me through the following week in a state of bliss?
Now answer how much “sex” am I having?
If you are having sex once a week or even twice a month, if it is the gourmet variety I am speaking of than you can be carried through on it for days and weeks. I know this for a fact. If it is of the junk food or fast food variety then you are going to wake up undernourished and hungry for more sex and most likely need your next hit of its chemicals and release to get you through the next day or two. This is where addiction sets in. This is where you are not feeding yourself or your partner well. This is under-fucked, no matter how much sex your having.
There is hope if you are a junk food sex addict.
There is hope if you have not tasted gourmet fucking for some time or ever for that matter.
There is hope for you too to experience the revelation of your deepest being through your sex.
The answers are between your legs, your ears and in your chest. The answers are found in your presence, because your presence is your power and the only sword you ever need to discover this reality.
If your sex is not leading you to your deeper purpose, then it is time to make some changes.
To learn more on this topic and conscious sexing email me today or fill out an application to work me through one of my intensive programs in person, over the phone or web today.
You deserve to be properly fucked.
The universe is craving you!!!!
Last week, I had the great honor to talk on the tele-seminar “Abundance Reigns” where my topic was about our hungers and desires and how they relate to creating a more fulfilling life. This was a very fun talk and very interesting to prepare because the more I prepared the presentation, the more connections I kept coming up with between our physical hunger for food and our physical and emotional need for sex. I quickly realized that I could have done the entire presentation on that topic alone and could write a dozen articles on the many ways food and sex correlate. However, for today’s purposes, I want to look at how we often use food to fill an unmet need in our sex lives.
The connection between food and sex exists for both sexes, but is extraordinarily apparent in looking at female eating and sexual behaviors. There have been entire books written simply on this topic in regards to women.
In any theory of human needs, you will find both food and sex as two vital elements. Without food, we will starve to death and without sex and physical connection, we will also fail to survive and/or simply thrive.
In my experience as a therapist working with eating disorders and as a coach working with individuals that sometimes struggle with disordered eating patterns, it is common for people to find struggles on their plate, which are really struggles in the bedroom. Often, my clients think I am crazy at first when I start asking them about their sex lives. I will get comments such as, “I don’t have any issues with sex. My issues are all around food”, “I don’t even think about sex; it doesn’t matter to me but I am constantly thinking about food”. The problem with this thought pattern being that many of us in this day and age have learned to use food as a manner in which to cover up unmet needs/desires…. And often specifically our needs/desires surrounding sex.
We as Americans often like to think we are incredibly open minded and that we are very comfortable in our sexuality. However, the truth is we have influences of religion, how we were raised, past sexual experiences, and social pressures that can alter our opinions of sex and in truth leave us starving sexually. Often, people carry around deep shame around wanting/needing physical affection and so bury these needs deep in our psyches. However, we can’t bury our needs for very long because they come out in different ways. Commonly, this avenue is our food.
How you may ask:
You aren’t getting any physical affection and feeling of comfort at home and so you simply turn to foods that provide you comfort.
You aren’t allowing yourself to truly be present and have connected sex….and so you begin bingeing on chocolate because that’s going to release similar hormones and make you have a false sense of connection.
You don’t think you deserve physical pleasure and so you start cutting foods from your diet, which brings you pleasure.
A while ago, I had the pleasure of knowing a woman, and at the time friend, she was unfortunately struggling with anorexia. When I asked this friend about her sex life, she responded that she thought sex/masturbation was dirty and sinful outside of marriage. Therefore, whenever she was “bad” and touched herself in a sexual manner, she would then have to punish herself by restricting for days simply to cleanse her guilt and shame.
You may look at this example as extreme, but honestly, I have a long list of similar stories I could share from friends, patients, clients, and personally. The point is that we are told, as women in particular, to not want/need/desire sex and the same really goes for the messages we receive around food. So, the ramification is that many of us try to stifle these needs but end up playing what I like to call “Whack a Mole” because we can’t truly get rid of those needs.
From a personal perspective, I spent years denying my sexuality and sensuality of simply being a woman. The result (amongst some other things) was a raging eating disorder that almost took my life. I didn’t want to be a sexual being and I felt extreme shame around this topic, so I attempted to starve, binge, and purge the needs away! It was not until I faced a variety of issues in my life, but particularly those surrounding sexuality, that I was able to get free.
So, before I close, I do want to clarify that not any old sex is going to fill this need that is showing up on our plates… We need connected sex with others and/or ourselves. We need to be able to feel safe, secure, and loved in that moment in order to start to fill ourselves up. The reason this is so important is because we have hormones, one being Oxytocin, that are released when we are really able to get into our bodies during a sexual experience. These are also similar hormones that are released or are decreased with certain foods.
My challenge for you is to really take a look at your relationship to your own sexuality and also your own food. Are you starving yourself of your needs and desires or are you bingeing on food and sex that are meaningless and aren’t giving you joy? Take some time to get introspective of how your own needs/desires are interacting.
— Written by Addison Bell, Tantric Practitioner & Coach