Tony sat in my office heavy in his heart, deeply troubled at where he found himself and fearful that his wife may stray or that they would become so estranged because he found himself not even wanting to pursue her anymore. 


Now, it was not that he was not attracted to her or that he did not want to have sex with her. 

One might inquire with that information at hand then, what exactly would make a man who is sexually, physically and emotionally connected and attracted to his partner not want to pursue or engage in sex with her?


Tony, like many men, found himself struggling with his stamina. 

He found himself hypersensitive to her touch, her kiss and to penetration. He was concerned that he was not getting hard enough and that premature ejaculation was occurring all too frequently. 


He tried everything he could think of without any luck. 


  • He limited or did not watch porn
  • He stopped masturbating
  • He tried to stay in the dominant role in their sexing, meaning he led the positions, rhythm, speed
  • He pulled away from her as to not gain too much skin to skin exposure that aroused him all the more
  • He kept his thoughts distant to what he was seeing from her reactions
  • He stopped kissing her during sex
  • He limited her touch to him, and his sensual touch to her – he made their sex more action then emotion
  • He limited their oral sex on both sides as he found that it caused him to become more sensitive.




Well almost everything. 

The limiting or turning away from porn was beneficial as porn has been linked to creating a severe disconnect to the body, stimuli, sensation and changes the neurotransmitters in the brain of the viewer making it increasingly difficult for them to relate and process real life experiences fully. 


He had a decent idea around self-pleasure, but it’s not that self-pleasure itself creates issues, it’s the type of self-pleasure that we often choose that can callous, dull or even numb the nerves, responses to touch and more. The harder, faster, high voltage kind is guilty of this for sure, and unfortunately this is what so many people ( men and women alike) perform on themselves. They are going for the goal of climax not pleasure and connection and we see this same event take place in their sexing with a partner, where they will focus on one or two things and believe that the answer they are looking for to get the result they want is in harder, faster moves. The issue is that whether it be intimate relations with a partner or with ourselves these styles keep us locked into a friction, fast-food style of sexing where we never give our bodies, minds or hearts space to become vulnerable and surrender to true pleasure and connection. Which is what we humans are actually striving for.


Self-pleasure can be extremely healing, therapeutic even, educational and pleasurable. Training our whole beings what we want, need and enjoy. It is a time to explore and connect to ourselves. 


If Tony had just realized that he could actually help himself overcome the challenges by practicing a form of self-pleasure known as conscious masturbation he could help to restore a healthy sensitivity for his body, release blocked emotions and even practice premature ejaculation recovery techniques that would reverse what was happening. 


Next all his engagement with his wife was focused on separation not connection. Granted he linked the close bonding, the feeling of love and desire and the acts around this to contributing to his anxiety and reactions in the bedroom. It makes perfect logical sense that if you retreat and create distance that you might be able to regain your composure and last longer, however women are intuitive, empathic creatures that feel when their man does this and all Tony created in his pursuit to last longer was emotional distancing with his wife. He assisted in her not being able to connect at the heart level required for her to fully enjoy, surrender and feel pleasure. Potentially creating a “short circuit “event where she would soon numb out and be guilty of doing everything that he was doing but because she was no longer emotionally bonded and found sex now to be a duty instead of a connection. 


“I told my wife the other day that I was really at a point where I did not want to have sex with her anymore. It broke my heart to say that to her and seeing the look of concern on her face as she accepted what I was saying was horrifying to me. I feel like I am dooming our marriage, but I do not feel like a powerful, secure man that can please her and give her what she wants when I am lasting just a few minutes in penetration.”




  • The average foreplay time for a couple is 3-5 minutes
  • The average kiss is a peck on the lips and lasts no longer than 7-seconds
  • The average couple STOPS courting each other 12-18 months into a committed relationship ( they stop dating and playing)
  • The average man lasts 2-10 minutes in penetration
  • The average sexual encounter time lasts 15 minutes
  • The average woman does not have an orgasm over 70% of the time with her partner
  • The average couple has sex twice a month
  • The average man does not perform oral sex on his partner more than 3-4 times a year
  • The average man watches 30+ minutes of porn each day (often at work)
  • The average man masturbates with a goal of ejaculation only at least once a day
  • The average woman masturbates twice a month with a focus on her clit with a vibrator
  • The average couple does not speak about sexual needs, problems or other


You can change these averages for your bedroom life. 

Sex is like washing hands or going to the bathroom if we make it just about the goal of climax, or release. We are the only creatures on this planet that can create and do create emotional bonding, commitment and desire through our sexing. We understand that sex is something special and in our time on this planet we do not need to have sex just for procreation and the guarantee of our species. Sex is focused more on pleasure, connection, and commitment. 

Therefore, we put extra weight on our performance and capability to provide another’s needs.


With all that performance anxiety bouncing around for both men and women, you might then question – WHY DO WE DO SO LITTLE TO GUARANTEE OUR SUCCESS?


The averages above show our lack of care, understanding or commitment to true pleasure and quality, as well as our commitment to our partners or self. 


That is the reality! It does not have to be yours however. 




So how do you not become the norm in your relating, connection and sex?

Your intimate life means the world to you, you feel better all around when you know your partner is pleased, when you yourself get to enjoy the depth of the moment and connect deeply. There is far more satisfaction  in your sex when its gourmet then fast food. 


Here are the transformations to make happen:


  • Make YOUR average foreplay time  15-20 minutes right before intercourse but stay engaged intimately with your partner 24/7 through playfulness, communication, acts of love, conscious touch.
  • Make YOU average kiss at least twice a day and get passionate, playful and show desire and depth. Get into the kiss like you were dating. Let it last 20 seconds or longer.
  • Make YOUR relationship a constant courting of each other. Plan out date nights or weekends. Snuggle, do things for each other based on acts of service, gifts, love notes, sexting, play, learning new things together.
  • Men get present with your body and your woman. Don’t run from her and realize that your breath, the tension in your buttock during sex, and your pelvic floor health is what makes up 85% of your odds for having good stamina.
  • Make YOUR average sexual encounter time lasts 30 minutes + foreplay time.
  • Ladies and gents – men cannot force a woman to orgasm, they can only assist. You don’t just want your woman to have an orgasm through nerve stimulation (which is like washing your hands in satisfaction) but you want her to fully surrender to the orgasm. This requires connection, heart and mind engagement, presence on both sides and time. Ladies, let your men lead more in life, get out of the masculine driving energy and soften yourselves, this will help you to feel your man more.
  • Make YOUR average monthly sexing at least four times. Don’t let a week go by that you don’t allow for the opportunity to bond sexually.
  • Men make YOUR average oral sexing of your woman happen at least twice a month. Take your time, ask what she likes, be playful. Enjoy your meal. Educate yourself on the topic, don’t assume anything. 
  • Limit or cut out porn. Instead do some sexting with your partner. Make home videos if you really need the visual stimulation. At least you are still visually connecting to your partner. And don’t watch at work, that’s simply disrespectful and making your sex meaningless.
  • Men make YOUR masturbation about learning your body, connecting to sensations, slowing down, becoming more conscious, learning how to breathe through intense sensations and practicing pelvic floor exercises. By doing this you will help with hyper-sensitivity, stamina and more.
  • Ladies get a practice of self-pleasure that is at least weekly and without a direct focus on speed, vibration or the clit. Slow down and love yourself. Learn your body. Take the time you wish your lover would take. By doing this you will help restore your sensitivity and ability to orgasm more fully. 
  • Make YOUR average  level of communicating and sharing about sex, intimacy, boundaries, desires, needs and “difficult conversations” a normal practice. If you can’t talk to the person you are having sex with about the sex you are having then you are not mature enough to be having have sex at all. 


There are so many more points that I could get into for you, however that would require a backdrop to your personal story and goals on the subject. Perhaps, this article has opened your eye’s to some of the things that might need changed up in your sexual life and given you hope that you do not need to allow what you may have felt like the inevitable to happen. 




Your choice. 

Based on your action and commitment to yourself, your partner and your relationship.


Don’t you want and feel you deserve a gourmet sex life?


Reach out to me to learn about how KW Coaching & Integration can help transform your intimate life today!


As Always, 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”


Rene’ S. (KW)

*Names changed in musing to protect client privacy.