“The day we met
Frozen I held my breath
Right from the start
I knew that I’d found a home for my heart
… Beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
… One step closer
… I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more.” – Christina Perri ( Lyrics from A Thousand Years)
You may recognize this song, it is a song of love and lovers. It is about soulmates, union and finding home. That thing our hearts long for so deeply. We long to find all that is missing within ourselves through another, and to feel healed, seen, safe, loved and worthy.
This song I have always liked, but was never deeply called to in feeling with anyone, until one day I found myself sitting criss-cross applesauce across from Craig a few years back. We were doing a soul gazing exercise, which is a tantric practice that I have done literally thousands of times with hundreds of people. I teach this exercise in workshops in different formats and this particular day I was engaged in this exercise with Craig. We were not dating or intimate in any fashion. We were not even yet “friends.” We knew each other, we had worked on some things together and I was focused on helping him integrate some of his pieces. Reconnecting his spiritual, emotional, mental and physical selves so that he could live fully and love deeply.
So there we were, 5 minutes on the clock, stillness in the room, deeply looking into each other’s left eyes, when I found myself transported into a regression that I had done many years before when I was learning about dreams, the quantum world and this thing called “past lives.” This regression I was a very young woman, maybe 13 years of age or 14, at best. I was in what I believe was Greece, and there was war happening on our coast line. Boats were coming in with soldiers, death was taking over our world. I died in this life, in this battle that very day. I knew that I had a protector but I did not know who he was. Until this eye gazing with Craig.
You see, as I sat there staring into his eyes the color of a stormy sky, feeling this wave of love and fear inside of me, I saw a picture form behind him and an enactment of that regression from so many years before. But then, then I saw him.. In a suite of armor running behind me, spears were flying in the air. He grabbed me, took me in his arms and tried to protect me from the spears as they came down around us. Unfortunately, one went through his back, through his chest and through my chest. We died there that day – together.
As I came out of this vision, I could hear the song by Christina Perri, a Thousand Years playing in my head. I wanted to cry. I wanted to grab him and kiss him. Instead, the timer went off and I asked him what he experienced, he shared and then inquired back. I asked him if he was familiar with this song, and made no mention in the moment of the vision. As soon as I said the song, he had tears streaming from his eyes and down his cheeks. I could feel his heart burst.
That 5 minutes of eye gazing altered my world and his.
That song in my opinion, is our love song.
Fast forward over three years later now from this moment, and we are united. I have days I cannot see living without him and days that I want to run from his arms because I fear losing him so badly.
Our love story, which I pray is a life story as well, has taken us into uncharted waters of deep spiritual, emotional, mental healing. Pulling up old wounds from childhood, past relationships, trauma and life in general. All the negative programming is on our table of love frequently. We struggle with communication, we struggle with feeling loved and seen. We have thrown our daggers at each other and we have kissed those wounds in hopes of healing them. We are both of warrior/angel personality. Fight to the death and at the same time give every last drop of love and beauty to this life that we can without regret. Stubborn. Strong. Loving. Kind. Hungry. Integrity Based. Passionate. And totally f-cked up!!! As all of us humans are.
From day one, this man has been my Achilles heal and I feel it in my heart. I used to comment on how we held a painful energy in the same spot just opposite sides of our chests, my little eye gazing vision helped me to understand the reason behind this spot. Living and doing life together, that spot gets wrapped up in all the “feelings” and fears that relationship and life bring with it, and this spot fills with pain and anxiety, frequently. Somedays, I feel like I could cry for years straight and still have more to release, because it hurts so bad. These days are the days when we are leaning away from each other. When we have both gone into avoidance and stress. Where the actions and energy of love are struggling for life themselves. For him, he would never most likely admit this, but I know that on those days that we are pulling away from one another, if I touch that spot on his chest he will cringe and say, “ouch.”
Our hearts are codependent hearts.
We are either healing each other and being fully expressed in love where we thrive together or we are killing each other slowly.
Now, you know how I started off by talking about soulmates and finding home?
We all want this, right?
We believe in the lovestory and we believe in its mystery and beauty. We believe that such a beautiful tale of depth, someone who feels like they know us at a soul level and loves us better than we could imagine would also bring no challenge or suffering into the relationship. Chaos should not be there.
I learned a long time ago, and now biblically speaking, that narrow road that takes you home, it is the road that you will face the most challenges and even pain. You will be tested and given painful opportunities to grow and heal on all levels of who you are. A soulmate relationship is no different than finding your path home to God. That unity that we search for by attending church, reading scripture and having faith, we find in our physical world through our mate. The right mate will bring with them chaos in a special way, and I am not speaking about unhealthy chaos of boundary crossing, abuse in any form, addictions or control. I am talking about the rattling of your soul’s cage that will erupt anything that is no longer serving you and force you to breathe life in, love in, faith in and grace to be healed.
Craig and my love story, which is still in the making each and every day that we decide to choose each other, brings us to the here and now – my spiritual lessons were not being heeded. Granted my intuition has been serving me well, I did not connect the dots fully and over the course of our relationship I have allowed myself to be caught in that chaos and fear, creating greater wounds for him and I, and with this I found myself in the worst anxiety that I have ever experienced. Sadness, a feeling of being lost and of no value in any part of my life. Purposeless. No stamina, my light was dimming. And with it, he was pulling away more. As he pulled more away, the deeper I fell, the deeper he retracted, the more lost I was. Thinking that I was actually codependent, that perhaps I had some emotional issue, or maybe was premenopausal even, I have been working on every aspect of me. Therapy, nutrition, meditation, journaling, nature, everything. But my blood pressure kept going up, my heart hurt worse each day, not a muscle or joint in my body did not feel pain. I felt life slipping away from me and I longed for him to just love me, to save me. I spoke it in multiple ways, but I spoke it from fear and not love, so I was not heard the way I wanted. Instead I was spearing his heart from my hearts wound.
February 2023, my game changing spiritual month, where I feel like all the angels in heaven are standing by me suddenly and saying, “Finally… she understands.”
Sometimes you need a wake up call.
What better day than Valentine’s day to have that Eureka from heaven. It has taken all the hands of God and his Earth angels to wake me up, to wake us both up I believe.
I had a psychic reading about a month ago from a woman that I have gone to for years now and she has been beautifully accurate. She told me that I would have a couple opportunities coming to me and depending on how I handled them, I might want to touch base with her in two months.
The word opportunity sounds promising and positive.
Unless you know how this universe works. Opportunity is just code for get ready and buckle up, you will get an opportunity alright, to wake up and get on your path and aligned, if you choose wrong well, you can imagine what might happen, more opportunities that intensify as they go.
I am not waiting or wanting more opportunities, but instead I’m listening to what my heart and soul are saying loud and clear today. That being, that my personal wake up call which is my physical body sounding an alarm that I need to heed, is telling me that it really is all about love. Love does heal all wounds, as silly as that sounds. When we choose someone to be our soulmate, our person, our life story, then we open ourselves up to the miracles of love – which first will enter your psyche and cast out all that is not needed or is damaging you, will ask you to sort through your internal house and to clean things up. This love is demanding and conditional because it wants what is best for the entity of “us” and for each individual as well. For the greatest life story to be also a love story, you must be willing to transform and let go of pieces of who you thought you were based on your wounds and pain. You must be willing to lean into each other even when you want to run from one another. You have to calm your feelings and guide your thoughts so that you speak from love and not fear.
You must stand with armor down, naked in every way with your soulmate, and face the spears that are being thrown at your unity.
This is a codependent heart.
This is a soulmate story.
This is true love, grace and transformation.
The path home is through your heart.
In loving appreciation for your heart and healing,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”