From Guest Author Addison Bell
It’s all fun and games until you actually have to deal with the other side.
You sit and desire certain characteristics of those in your life, and especially out of a romantic partner. Yet, I daresay that many times you are asking for a mess of contradictions.
Its easy to look at some aspirational values and personality traits and think that this is exactly what you want to pull into your life but if you aren’t careful you will end up pulling in exactly what you don’t desire.
And the funny thing is that your Ego would probably throw a tantrum and say, “But I do do desire it, I do want that, I can hold that person” but in the end you really can’t handle it.
You might desire someone who is playful and has that flirty personality that makes you feel all bubbly inside… until they are flirty and playful with others and it smacks right into your jealousy and trust issues.
You might desire someone that knows how to act like a “lady” or “gentleman” when you are out in public and can hold the proper level of poise… until they are always poised and never able to let go of that persona (even in the bedroom).
You might desire someone that has their own life and is more free flowing with the relationship. Someone that isn’t that awful word “clingy”… until they can’t be there and support you the way that you need and you never truly feel held.
And really any trait that you desire in a partner is going to have the opposite side.
It is pretty commonly known from a psychological perspective that in relationships the aspects that often attract you to your partner are also the very same aspects that can cause the greatest struggle.
There is that old saying about how men should want a lady in the streets and a freak in the streets.
We want our partners to be both sides of a coin….
And most of the time it can mean the destruction of a relationship!
Now, thankfully we are complex beings and so are not one thing or the other. If you take the above example of having a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets… I know many women that are able to present one aspect of themselves when out at dinner parties and then turn around and have a mind-blowing sexual evening with a partner. Both are authentically them and both are aspects of who they ae.
Though these women have also worked through the stereotypes that come with both sides of the coin and know where they are authentically.
Though, lets be honest, yes I mean really honest here…
Most people are NOT doing deep personal work on a daily basis. And most people are not willing to look at when their ego’s arise in relationships. So when an aspect that is a turn on in one sense becomes a turn-off… we blame that other person. We don’t look at ourselves and where WE might be the ones that have unspoken expectations.
Many times we even struggle to admit where we struggle in relationships and where our ego’s simply can’t handle something.
You want a partner that is free, playful, open-minded but then when this pushes on your jealousy, your need for attention, and your belief that there is a certain way to “do” relationships…
Can you actually look yourself in the face or actually look that other person and say, “I don’t want you to be so free”. “I wish you weren’t so playful”, “I want you to be open-minded but just not about this topic”.
Most would look at the other person as the issue and not be able to truly say… “I am not able to hold this aspect of you”.
Again, we are complex and hold so many intricacies. Each person, situation, and experience will present a different expression of self. So what fits and is a desire with one partner or relationship could be entirely different than what fits and is a desire in another relationship.
In truth it all comes back (as always) to self and looking deep within ones self authentically. What are we desiring in our relationships? And then looking at if we truly could hold that characteristic in another if it presented to us. Where would our ego get shaken? What are non-negotiable in our relationships?
If you want freedom… how free?
If you want play… how playful?
If you want stable… how stable?
If you want sexy… how sexy?
What can you truly, honestly, at your core hold?
Get honest with yourself! And start doing your inner work to help you be able to look within when situations arise.
And more than even that…
Get honest with self when someone presents something that truly won’t fit with you and your life. Don’t pretend to be okay with something that is a hard NO. This will only push you further and further out of alignment from self.
Most importantly LOVE self first and foremost. When we do this we are most able to be authentic, honest, and love another. Even if the way we are loving that other is by letting them go and be who they are authentically.
Sending you all…
Love, Light, & Blessings,
Addison