NEVER GIVE YOUR COMMITMENT TO THIS TYPE OF PERSON.
The majority of people out there are wanting a committed, loving, intimate relationship.
They are looking for something long-term, a marriage or partnership, where two people are coming together and sharing a world and every aspect of their worlds together.
The majority of people aged 35 years and older are looking for something serious.
They are not wanting to play the field any longer, they are not wanting drama, trauma and suffering but instead they are wanting to be able to trust, to know that they are cared for, truly cared for and supported, for better or for worse, however many who are wanting this are unable to provide what they want to another. They themselves cannot commit and only see the relationship as something that the other person needs to work on, that they themselves have got it all figured out.
And so these sort of folks, are great at saying all the right things, and backing down and running a short sprint to make it appear as though they get it, they want it and that they are willing to work for it, but often all too quickly they stop short and fall back into their primal nature of feeling above the need to correct, to review and to grow.
They will say such things as, “ I am feeling like I need to just pause. To self-evaluate and take time to be with myself.”
They will share that they think that time for both sides to ponder and think about things is what is needed, space will become the tool that they lean on and they do this with the idea that the other party will and should respect this, because it appears calm, mature, respectable even. Who does not want a partner who can say, “I need a moment or I will provide you with a moment.” Instead of becoming overly emotional and reactive, a showing of stepping back and self-reflection. This is after all what emotionally mature people do, correct?
And to these fools I say, “ You cannot see the picture from being in the frame. Nor can you read the label from remaining in the box.”
In other words, I call your bluff on this so-called self-reflection and “pause.” And honey, I have a GREAT BIG effing pause button myself. I am a master at the pause button. I used to be highly reactive, then did the self-growth work to become more proactive which required the development of my pause button and the conscious viewing of my ego. What I discovered is that my ego loved the pause button! So much so it quickly learned how to use it in its favor and in a self-sabotaging act against me with the hope of keeping me safe in some fashion, even if it were just to save face.
HITTING THE PAUSE BUTTON CAN BE AVOIDANCE, PROCRASTINATION AND FEAR
Let’s take some time away is code for:
-I am not feeling this relationship is solid, good or going anywhere and I don’t want to feel responsible for hurting your feelings or deal with your feelings or judgements of me so I am going to try and look mature and like I am doing a good thing here as I step away from you.
I am going to just work on me for a bit is code for:
– This is all too much for me. I am triggered by something, unwilling or scared to look deeper. I really just don’t want to deal with all this and find it sort of useless. You are the one with the problem, not me. So in order to save face, to make it appear like I am going to give you what you want/need I am going to “go work on myself” however, the truth is I am lazy and avoiding the truth.
Over and over again through the years, I have spent countless hours working with individuals who will claim that they really want the relationship that they have. That they understand that it takes two people both working on themselves and on the relationship, wanting to become more aligned, working on communication strategies, healing of wounds, trust etc. but when it comes right down to it, they will look at me and say after a few sessions and time,
”You know it really is so and so’s issue. They need to do this or that and I am just going to tell them what they want to hear and pretend so that they can make the changes that they need. I know how to love. I know how to be in a relationship. My past is not impacting me or this relationship. Feel free to give me any thoughts you may have as to what we can do for my partner to get them to see the light, but I am good.”
The issue is that this sort of person is simply too caught in their self-righteousness to ever be able to change. They truly do not see their error, their responsibility to change and grow and have a diluted truth about love, relationship and commitment. They are unable to make a stand within themselves to make the personal changes required to have what they proclaim that they want.
COMMITMENT MEANS NOT RUNNING AWAY WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH OR BORING.
People are fickle, and you hear me say that a ton because it is true. VERY TRUE. We are all based in emotion and we make up our stories (lives) from this place of emotion. So when things are not all fun, joyous, adventurous and unicorns farting out glitter we tend to stray in our desire to stay committed. Unfortunately, what often happens is that our straying is supported and even encouraged because we quickly learn that when we pull back from a relationship, if the other person is committed and cares that they will chase us. And being chased is fun, adventurous and brings us satisfaction.
No long-term relationship will be able to remain in “chase” mode forever. There certainly are times in the longest standing relationships where this feeling of wanting to be chased or to chase your partner needs to come upon the couple-hood to rekindle desire, connection and erotism, but it is absolutely impossible for it to be a constant. And the feeling of being chased is different than the continual courting and dating that any couple who wants to remain locked into a deep bond needs to apply focus too. But that is another tale for another musing.
LOVE DOES NOT HOLD A COUPLE TOGETHER.
Sorry ladies out there, it’s true. Love does not hold us together. So many outside and inside influences will erode love. It is a constant working effort to maintain, keep alive and to live in a state of compassion, care and wanting for another.
What keeps a couple together is commitment.
And that commitment comes to doing what it takes to always work at being your best version with your partner. To always be inquiring, searching out what treasures they are wanting you to find within them and by looking for bonding tools. The tools of bonding start with communication and integrity. It is a surrender to these very difficult practices that make a relationship a partnership and a partnership a marriage.
I recall at the start of my partnership with Craig a moment in my bedroom where I was in such fear and anxiety. Tears streamed down my face. I felt like my world was crashing and like there was nothing I could do to save it or to save us. My fear was that the chaos that swirled around my life was going to kill the love that he and I had for each other and steal this relationship from us. I stood there that evening crying and sharing my fears. Taking all blame upon myself and telling him that I understood if he needed to walk away from me and all my shit, and THAT was when he made me know his commitment to us. He grabbed my face with both of his hands, lifted my chin and looked me in the eyes saying, “ Hear me. Your shit is my shit.”
This is commitment based on something stronger than love.
It is based on caring for someone.
True care means that you want the best for someone and that you are willing to provide everything you can to make it happen for them. If you think about it, this is what we all are wanting for. We may say that we want to be loved but what we are actually saying is that we want to know that someone cares.
We want to know that we would be missed.
That someone thinks about our needs and wants and is willing to help us achieve them.
Marriage vows are based on caring for someone.
We will love a few or maybe many, in different ways.
We will feel our hearts burst in rapture.
But to be cared for and to care for another, is not so romantic or adventurous at all.
It is however a commitment to that person, to the relationship and to the best outcome for all.
When someone says, I just need to self-reflect, it certainly can be a beautiful thing, especially if this person is known for their reactivity. However, all too often it can also be a sign of procrastination on allowing themselves to speak and feel their truth, or avoidance of the changes that they are fearful of making because they are being requested to become a person they are not yet familiar with to have the relationship that they say that they want for.
No person ever gained the life, the success or the relationship that they wanted without becoming something new.
Life, success, health, love and happiness requires us to transform.
If you are with someone who cannot see these truths, who consistently avoids change and growth, then do not give them your precious gift of commitment nor the opportunity to walk any further into your future. For if you do, suffering will be all that you gain.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
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