SO YOU SAY THAT YOU WANT A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP, IS THAT TRUE?
Before Craig and I were “a thing,” meaning before we chose to date, to be in an intimate relationship we found ourselves on a camping trip together. Now, we had been friends and close for some time, we had in truth spent about three years getting to know each other without the intent of being a couple or even exploring it. So we had the rare privilege of many real, raw and truth baring moments without the realization that God/universe was setting up a perfect container for us to come together.
I recall this camping trip night like it was last weekend, I can still see the flames of the fire and get lost in the glowing embers with the glass of red wine in my hand and the cool November evening breeze. There we sat after kids were asleep in the tent, the sound of the woods around us and we both stared into the fire, just enjoying the silence of the night and the company of one another close. Out of the silence we began our talk. It was an inquiry on likes, dislikes, our perceptions, wants, desires in life, goals, dreams, fears, and needs and somewhere along the line we started talking about checklists. Not just any checklists, relationship checklists. The boxes we wanted checked and the importance of each box to us within a relationship. We had a few moments like this before but nothing to this level or depth. We were talking about everything! I believe that we classified the boxes as what we valued and how they rated in importance.
This was an organic exercise that just came up as the night air whirled around us and our wine warmed our hearts and spirits. I recall looking across the fire at him, the flames reflecting in his glasses, his beanie pulled over his ears snuggly and watching his lips move, watching how he drank from his cup and how he attempted to hide his glances toward me. As we spoke and aligned in so many ways I found myself understanding this feeling of “YES” that came over me for so long when in his presence. I found myself deeply engaged and committed to this man before me and all I knew was that I wanted him in every way possible. I wanted ALL of him! FOREVER.
That night was a game changer, I believe for both of us, because it was revealing who we were, what our shared values were, if our lives were blendable or not and our emotional maturity about life, love, money, health, friends, family, politics, spiritual things and sex, to name the major lables. People say they want a committed relationship, but 90%+ of the time it’s not true. You may find yourself scratching your head in that statement, you may argue that it’s not that way for you even, and it may be so, but today I want to reveal to you a few things that anyone who believes that they are wanting a committed relationship or believe that they are in one but feel frustration around the lack of consistency and dependability or stability in may want to explore.
MOST PEOPLE ARE EMOTIONALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL.
The simplest way of defining what I mean here is that the majority of people are not emotionally stable or mature enough to be in a committed relationship. They use relationships for stress release, story telling, therapy and to just “feel” secure, and of course easy sex. They WILL NOT look at their inner realms, at what responsibility they have played in the creation of the lives they are living and the patterns they are playing out. They do not look at how they so easily blame and project onto others, and although they claim to want honesty and truth, stability, love and happiness and believe that they are capable of achieving it, they don’t even understand what it takes to be in a fully committed relationship or that chemistry is nothing to base a successful relationship on.
NO ONE EVER REALLY KNOWS THEMSELVES.
We blame a ton on the concept that the reason things are the way they are is because someone does not truly know who they are or we don’t know ourselves. And there is certainly truth to this idea, however you must get to a point of self-awareness where you will accept that you will never know yourself fully, you will only continue to evolve and awaken to greater levels of yourself as your life progresses until the day you die. Imagine that you believed that you knew yourself just five years ago, and then all of the last five years happened and it molded you into something new. If you compare yourself to that version of you just five years ago and expect that you should have full awareness of how you will feel, act, behave, or what you will want for today based on yesteryear, then that is truly not knowing yourself. The acceptance that you are constantly changing is powerful, the goal of emotional maturity is an awareness of this and a consistent work in progress to stay self-aware and within integrity.
INTEGRITY EQUALS YOUR THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS, WORDS AND THEN ACTIONS ALL ALIGNING.
Often in relationships, we say that we value integrity and honesty. That these things are what we need to be able to trust someone and to commit fully. However, we turn around and think one thing, allow our feelings to manifest from these thoughts and then say words that may or may not align and more than likely show up with a different image in our actions.
What many people mean by, “ I value honesty and integrity,” is that they value what makes them feel good and is in line with what they want and/or need and if their partners truth, feelings, needs, ideas are not such, and they have the courage to speak it, then the relationship is questionable.
I JUST WANT STABILITY, TRUSTWORTHINESS, DEPENDABILITY, THEN I CAN TRUST
I hear this all the time from clients and people who reach out to me. The words themselves sound great, and yes they are wonderful characteristics to have, however it takes two to tango as the saying goes and this means that we have to realize that our actions, feelings, words and thoughts play a role in our partner’s life. They create a ripple impact and often when we are not seeing what we want from our partner it is a sign that we are not giving it ourselves.
Relationships are about the mirroring of self so that we are each offered an opportunity to grow and heal. We will see beauty and ugliness within our mates, and the beauty is what we will not allow ourselves to see within ourselves, the ugliness that is revealed by our mates is what we are disgusted about and need to heal within ourselves. The most dynamic and powerful soulmate relationships will be the most revealing and triggering as well of all of these things.
With that said, there are key factors as to why someone may not be consistent in a relationship.
Why they may retract and pull away, or why they may seem like they are overly needy, fearful, unstable and therefore untrustworthy.
- They are holding onto the past. Meaning past relationships. This often appears with what I refer to as the “men or women in waiting,” that are casually called “just friends,” and the intent is innocent enough, however a truly committed relationship will require these “just friends,” to find a new home. If you or your mate has a contentious relationship with a past spouse, partner or lover then the REALITY IS THAT YOUR ENERGY IS ELSEWHERE AND NOT IN YOUR COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.
- Their work/finances are in chaos. No one does well when they are struggling or worried about their foundation. They cannot be solid in who they are, their emotional/mental state and often this space will even take a toll on the person’s physical well-being. It’s simply unreasonable to expect a feeling of consistency or stability from a partner when they are in rocky waters, because it’s going to take up so much of their brain energy that they will not be able to follow through the way they normally would be able to.
- Their issues with children/family. I would love to tell you that love can overcome a colicky family situation, or a distasteful frustration between people, especially when it is the ones who are so near and dear, however if you or your partner have family/children issues it will create instability for the one going through it if not both of you and to expect that it “should” be any other way is again unreasonable – thus emotionally immature.
- Timing is out of sync. Meaning what you desire for time spent is not what they desire. Say to you a committed relationship means, ‘ we see each other 2-4 times a week for dates, overnighters, we text throughout the day, we do a call on days that we are not together, we plan weekends together and travel together, we make goals for future and part of that is marriage or living together at some point,’ but the person you are with is better with just weekends, a few texts, travel and has no plans for long term. This will ensure that you are not aligned more than likely. Relationship time is a key value that you must address before getting too serious with someone or you will forever feel unstable and not have good trust.
- Fly by the seat of your pants! No plans, no goals outside of maybe some travel and fun. Who feels committed in this situation or wants to put all their chips in? Not anyone who is wanting a fully committed relationship that is for sure. Yet the vast majority of relationships are allowing this to happen and calling the relationship committed, loving, fulfilling, long-term, successful even.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE ARE ONLY CAPABLE OF GIVING COMPANIONSHIP, CONNECTION AND SEX AS COMMITMENT
So what does a fully committed relationship mean?
It’s what our marriage vows try to address:
“We are going to be there for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, through thick and thin.”
Yet, 90% of modern relationship is not wanting or willing to give this to the person that they are wanting to play house with. Instead we say such things as, “ I won’t be his nurse or purse,” or “ I’m not looking to be someone’s sugar daddy, she better know how to keep herself.” – again what we are wanting for commitment in todays world comes back to companionship, connection and sex. We don’t want to hunt so we try and get it to commit but then we fear abandonment.
The crux of a healthy, happy partnership and relationship is not based in chemistry, companionship, sex or even love – it is based in full commitment and part of full commitment means to “take care” of our partner, means that we are not just willing to care for them in times of struggle but that we want to as well.
And full commitment can only be established and nourished with:
- Shared values
- Blendable lives
- Emotional Maturity
- Compassionate communication based in integrity
Back to that camping trip on one sweet November weekend. The flames flickered and we talked, open, vulnerable and in truth for where we were. We addressed our lives, values, dreams and hopes. We certainly had chemistry, love had been there for some time, a hunger for each other was strong and we both sat with our distrust for the opposite sex and in relationship but we looked into one anothers eyes and we dared to share our souls.
You know, since that campfire Craig and I have seen so much beauty and ugliness. We have met aspects of ourselves that we love and others that we are not content with. We have dealt with instability for some of the reasons shared above, and we are forever evolving as individuals and as a couple. Fear rises up for us I know, however what I am certain of even on the most challenging days is that I am fully committed to him and as long as I allow myself to not be blinded by my own inner demons and childhood programs I can see and feel his full commitment to me. To us. It is only our egos that make us question which is when I remind myself about that campfire talk and the conversation shared, the feeling of “YES” that made itself understood then, how it is ever present and how I want to take care of him and allow him to care for me into our golden years.
Are you really wanting a fully committed relationship or are you just looking for companionship, connection and sex?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”