Robert walked into my office irritated and sad. He wanted so badly to give his wife of the last ten years pleasure in the bedroom. He had read the book, “She Comes First,” by Ian Kerner as well as some tantric books that focused on slowing down and connecting during a love making session. I had been working with him and his wife for almost six months as well with a strong focus on their sexual world, however he still was not having the success that he was looking for and felt like he “just could not get it right” and was not enough for Audrey.
Audrey, on the other hand, was not upset about their sex life. She had no real interest in sex, gained nothing from it as she said, but was happy to provide her husband with pleasure and a much needed stress release that he gained from sex. When asked, “What could Robert do better?,” Audrey always responded with, “Nothing. He’s great. I just feel numb and not into it really.”
Robert was not having this though. He loved Audrey and wanted this intimate connection with her. He felt like he just was not being a good man or even showing his love as much as he could if he could not be successful at getting his wife to have consistent orgasms, or any real orgasms for that matter at all. Granted, on occasion, like vacations, they would have some drinks, dance and laugh a ton and then Audrey would cut loose and “get nasty” with him and even appear to have multiple orgasms, but once the vacation was over, all of that would end and she would even say things such as, “Yeah, it was fun, but I was just wanting you to feel good about yourself. I don’t really need any of that. It really does nothing for me.” These comments shattered Robert every time and made him untrusting of almost everything in his relationship with Audrey.
Robert being the person he was though, he was determined. So he got toys, lots of toys! He introduced porn into the relationship and he even got Audrey to have a threesome with another woman. Believing that surly something in this mix of hot taboos and playful items would excite her and bring back their sex life with her having orgasms.
But nothing worked.
That day though that he sat in my office he was finally ready to hear the reality of their situation. I looked at him and asked, “Do you know the one thing that you have not tried yet and that could make all the difference to your sex life and to Audrey being able to receive pleasure?”
Well, he perked right up and was ready to listen intentionally.
“Robert, the thing is that women do not get aroused like men do. To a woman our realities are based in emotion. You must go to her heart first before she can feel her sex at all.”
He looked really lost from these statements and replied with, “But, but… I love her. She knows that. I show her my love all the time by helping out in different ways and providing for our family. I ask her how her day is and try to listen to her problems. I even try to help her fix them.”
“Yes, of course you do. I know that Robert. You are a good husband and life partner. A good man. But that does make you a good lover. You see women need more conscious touch consistently through the day. Not just when you are wanting to have sex with her. Women also need romance consistently. Romance makes her feel desired and loved, wanted. Romance opens up her heart to you emotionally. Another thing women need is adventure or play, but her erotic play most likely is not the same as what you may want. Women are visual to a degree, but we are more about the erotic play of our man being passionate and on purpose with us. I want you to think about the Disney story Beauty and the Beast. Belle falls in love with the beast, right? He is rough, fierce, scary even and a bit dangerous, but she sees how good he can be as well. Belle falls for his softer side but is turned onto and even adores his animal or primal side where he leads firmly. Her arousal to him is more about how she sees how he softens with her and wants to protect her, yet he is dominant just enough that their polarities are harmonized. She wants to tame the beast and be his queen. This taming of the beast is the same dance that all of us women want for. It is why women are attracted to the “bad boy types” however we often get romanced and caught up in toxic relationships because of this and because we ourselves do not understand the dance or who we are and what a healthy container looks like, all the same we want to tame the beast.”
Piping in, Robert asks, “So what you are saying is that I need to get rough with her? And hug her more? You said be dominant, I do not want to dominate her. I love her. “
“LOL, yes and no. Not rough though, passionate like you were when you first got together with her. Spontaneous, playful, flirty, romantic, snuggly. But not just sexually and this is key…you must appeal to her senses you could say. Which means create fun events that are non-sexual but intimate, connective, growth experiences. What women love about the beast, or the bad boy is the leadership or feeling of being lead, like the man knows what he wants and makes it happen in life. He walks with purpose and makes her feel adored, appreciated, seen, loved, safe, and puts a smile on her face. Makes her laugh. Wants to spend time with her because he loves being with her not just because he is trying to get some sex.”
“Okay. I think I understand. And then this all leads to intimacy, right?” Robert questions.
“This is intimacy, Robert. Intimacy is connection, care, play. It is holding a safe container for her when she is having an emotionally tough day and not trying to fix her. It is about asking what she might need you to do in those moments. It is loving her without getting irritated with her for being different than you. For being an emotional creature instead of based in logic all the time. True intimacy is developed when we walk through the depths of hell with someone and them with us and we still choose to love and commitment to and with them. This and only this builds safety and trust with a woman. And until you establish safety and trust with her again, she will not be able to receive pleasure from you. Pretty plain and simple. And yet not…lol”
Now Robert was bewildered. He was sitting there looking at me like I had three heads suddenly.
Believing that he had already proven he was safe and loved her. Believing that he was trustworthy and that he had not given her any reason to feel differently.
The reality of the male-female relationship container is that all too often men break down the relationship container and the connection to their woman’s heart and thus her sexual pleasure and arousal by somehow unconsciously, most often by all the little lack of awareness things such as:
- Going into avoidance when under stress or upset about something
- Not providing loving non-sexual touch daily including kissing longer than 7 seconds
- Getting irritated or mad about her emotions and “feelings”
- Trying to “fix her” when she is not needing or asking for help, but just venting and sharing.
- Poor communication strategies
- Not being aware of how you say something means more than what you are saying.
- Not focusing on romance and courtship
- Indecisive decision making
- Not setting aside time to connect with her in multiple ways.
- Quick and goal-oriented sexing
For women in general, relationship is number one in their life and that relationship they have with their male partner is the foundation to all other relationships and her joy, self-esteem and pleasure.
If you are a man and you believe that your woman is the one with the majority of the issues and she needs to just be more logical, then you should perhaps ask yourself why you believe this? Why are you wanting your woman to be another man? You don’t obviously. You chose her because of all her womanly ways. You need her softness, her heart, her respect and trust. That is why she completes you, because she is so alien to you and brings you into your heart.
Ask yourself, “Even though I believe that she is say 95% responsible for the chaos and stress, the frustration perhaps and the disconnect that you feel in these tough moments of intimate relationship, is there maybe, just maybe a few things that you have done, say in the last six months of your relationship that could have contributed to her emotional closure to you? Could you be responsible for 5% of the challenge?”
This is an amazing question to ask yourself as a man who loves a woman and wants to give her pleasure. When you ask this question and then ponder it for just a minute, your mind will suddenly come up with a list of seemingly “little things” that you could have done differently or better. These things are the answers to her shut down with you and lack of trust and feeling safe with you.
Pleasure cannot be achieved with your woman if she does not trust or feel safe with you emotionally. Plain and simple.
Anyone who is halfway emotionally mature in themselves would never believe that relationship is easy or that it means that it should not require growth, personal and couple hood development, change and consistent work. Our marriages and couple hoods are the most challenging growth that any of us humans will ever experience but they are so rewarding when we realize that we have the power to do better, be better and create a life story with someone that is based in love and true intimate depth.
As always,
Loving you from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”
-Rene’ Schooler (KW)
*Names changed for privacy