7 Reasons Men Lose a Woman’s Heart & Desire
Alright gentlemen, this one is directed at you because there are a few things men do consistently when engaging in relationships that are not healthy and certainly are the seeds of demise when it comes to a relationship with a woman. I am going to go so far as to say that from my personal experience and in working with thousands of couples and singles over the last almost two decades that about 90% of men are guilty of these things in their long-term relationships. But first let’s speak a little bit about the differences between men and women when it comes to dating, mating and relating so that we can see the very nature that some of these reasons may stem from.
Very rarely do you find a man that is on his game and actually “hunting” for a relationship. Yes, even the men who say that they are wanting a committed relationship, marriage or partnership if they get real about it, the majority of the time are not “hunting” for it. They are hunting for sex, for connection, physical intimacy and someone fun that sparks their fancy. Men were designed with a primal desire to conquer and when it comes to women and relationships, this translates to they want to conquer the woman in the bedroom. Rare is the man that would not agree that he takes great pride and confidence in getting the woman that he is with to feel pleasure. He wants and needs from a primal level to experience this, to witness it with his own eyes and to feel it with his flesh. Without this he shrinks. That’s why so many men boast about their skills or are quick to tell women they are interested in how great their stamina is or how skilled they are.
They desire to conquer and show their strength. Women on the reverse look for love and give sex in hopes of being loved and cared for. They too have a primal force operating from millions of years of evolution that says that they must give this to gain love and security. Up until the 1950’s this was part of the understanding of relationships – a mutual exchange, where men provided safety and basic life needs such as shelter and food, women provided sex, children, the nurturing of home life and family and was a space for her husband to come to and rest. That’s an old paradigm however for our modern world and relationship where most women no longer are dependent on men financially or even for protection at the level that they once were. Today’s relationship is about coming together to enjoy common things, to have goals and to work on them together but only if two people are enjoying each other. Our modern world has less to do with stamina, commitment and loyalty and more to do with fun, ease and the understanding that everyone is replaceable. Sad but very true.
Yet both sexes crave something more. They both hunger for depth, connection, intimacy, commitment, and to know that they matter to another. They crave love and desire. These two things, although both highly required for a happy and sustainable relationship are not the same. They are opposites in truth. Desire is what gets us into the game of relationship, love keeps us there when things get rocky. The longer a relationship lasts, the less desire there is on both sides, but the deeper the love can be for each other.
The issue with today’s relationships is the speed that people get into them and their lack or inability to understand healthy, mature relating. Wanting trust, honesty, transparency and love without the willingness to offer it in return or build a healthy foundation to gain these time released things. Which brings us to the top seven reasons that men lose a woman’s heart and desire.
- Integrity – This is a powerful, desirable word that can evoke fear in some because they know they do not possess it. Many folks don’t understand the words’ meaning even, so let’s start there: simply put, it means that your actions and words are aligned or the same. You are not inconsistent in how you are showing up in the relationship. The statement, “If you love me, show me,” means just this. Talk is cheap as the saying goes. Many men from the starting gates with a woman will say a bunch of stuff to win her over, they will promise the moon, they will try and sell her on their financial means, on their likes and dislikes, they will say a lot of things to get the girl and then fast forward six to eighteen months, maybe two or three years even and they shift back to the man that they always were. The man that does not have the passion for health that he proclaimed, the man that is not about his spiritual life or focused on these big dreams, goals and becoming more. He is not the romantic man who once wanted to show the girl his love with sentimental ways, or adventures, instead he craves to just have his space, to not have to put in effort on himself, his woman or the relationship. He has shifted to auto pilot, and he believes she should accept it – but she loses heart right here. She starts to see him differently because he is different. What she fell in love with and gave her sex and life over to was a man on fire for life and for her, not what she now has. He stepped out of integrity and thus he risks losing the relationship if he permits it to go on for too long or thinks nothing of it.
- Neglect – I have referred to this in my past long-term relationships as the feeling of just becoming a piece of furniture. Relationships are living things, in order to keep them such and even more so to have them thrive and be happy for a long duration then much like taking care of a garden or your vehicle you must give time, attention and care to it. Often on the front side of relationships, we see men going above and beyond for a woman. They romance, they slow down and inquire with her, they are interested in delving more into this creature and learning about her. They touch, snuggle and kiss. They look for things to do for her and so much more. All of this makes a woman surrender to the man, trust him, and feel loved and appreciated. Over the course of about two-years typically, comfort and familiarity kicks in and the limerence that the man once felt for his woman has long passed. He feels as though he has conquered her and knows her. She is captured and he no longer should have to work at getting her because she is his. How drastically wrong he is! As he leans back believing that he no longer needs to rope the moon for her and show his love in deep passionate kisses and touches that take her breath away, he risks her heart closing to him and her sex becoming empty at the same time. Women live from a place of emotion, their reality is based on emotion and without this depth of connection and love from their partner they will close off to themselves, to life and most certainly to him, opening up a channel for another man to entice her.
- Letting Ego Rule – This point focuses on the need to be right, which we all do all too often and it reveals our own immaturity in communication and relationship for sure. Intimate relationships can serve up some of the most intense friction between two people. However, we are offered in these times a choice: to be right or to learn and problem solve. When our need to be right outweighs anything else, we close the door to love and to our partners hearts and feelings. We are belittling them by saying that they are wrong and don’t understand, are naive, airy fairy, stupid or silly, blind even. When we have a need to be right, we shut down communication and we dig a bigger hole. Men often will go into this state of “war” against his woman with great ease and even want to control her and the situation with “putting his foot down” in some tactical fashion of threatening or pointing out her flaws, fears, or past mistakes to make a point as to how correct he is and how wrong she is. None of which is productive or healthy. Over the course of time the woman, who is already biologically programmed to be more agreeable than the man, will let go of her needs, views and desires. She will limit her words or opinions and she will armor her heart and emotions around things. Where in the beginning of the relationship, communication came with ease and he told her that he never wanted her to hold back – he wanted her authenticity and transparency, he wanted her to feel safe to express herself, now after time and arguments of this nature he will no longer have this from her. Instead, she will hide her feelings, thoughts and needs and with her feeling of a lack of safety to be her she will turn from him. Once he protected her and she felt safe with him, but now he is her keeper, and she fears his reaction and views.
- Loyalty – Although this may seem like a given if we were discussing physical or sexual loyalty, it’s not as much of a given when we discuss emotional loyalty. This means, “I got your back,” it means that you know that your partner is not going to turn and walk away from you, threaten divorce or break-up, or stonewall you or hold grudges. Emotional loyalty is about when things get real in life and some things go down for one person, such as an illness, a loss of a loved one, work related items or financial stressors that create a cracked foundation for a person. We all go through challenges in life, some are a lot rougher and longer lasting then what anyone would deem reasonable or fair, but when loyalty was offered freely on the front side by the man to the woman so that he could prove his strength, commitment, love, ability to protect and to simply be her knight in shining armor and then as years go by and life continues to happen as it will, he threatens, hides or makes small of the matters that are pressing on her heart and life or calls her “too much,” “broken,” “crazy or overly emotional,’ then he is not being emotionally loyal. He no longer has her back, and he is proving it with his actions, words and threats.
- Transparency – Another great sounding word that can raise fear and concern in some. We understand that transparency is important, even vital to relationships so they can have trust and feel authentic and honest, however much of transparency comes from communication. On the front hand, when a man is “working to prove himself” to the woman, he is more open and receptive in communication. He is freer with his words, and poetic even with them. Sharing his love, adoration and desire. As time passes however transparency may still reside in the communication but it moves to the status of the day, conversations had with others and other “surface – non-relationship” oriented things. The reason transparency is so vital in a relationship is that it is to focus on what is material to the relationship. It does not mean tell all. It means if it potentially impacts the relationship then you need to speak about it, and what impacts the relationship more than the thoughts, feelings, triggers, wounds, and grudges that we hold onto in our secret mind with self? What we shove under the rug and try to hide will eventually blow up. It will become worse if not spoken about sooner than later. Men get this from a very logical fashion and typically where women will run from confrontation and want to make peace, men will face it head on, until a few years in the relationship have passed and they have been run over by their relationship and childhood wounding and choose to no longer share or breathe through such difficult conversations, mainly because they deem the woman’s response to be irrational, unjust, angry, hurt or emotional. “If she can’t be logical then I don’t want to talk to her about it.” I often hear from male clients. But this again creates a barrier, and you are not being a hero or crusader for your woman or love, instead you are making her your enemy and combatting her with walls and closed off emotions. You are in truth showing your cowardice and she loses respect or trust in you and thus closes her heart to protect her from the pain of the loss of depth and connection.
- Empathy & Appreciation – This is a big one! Again, men come into the relationship showing off that they can be her knight and protect her, hold her, love her. Life presents opportunities for him to do such, and she swoons over his attention and care. She sees his empathy and compassion, his heart and emotions and she loves him for it. Empathy shows up through appreciation, saying. “I see you – I appreciate you – I honor your heart.” Somewhere along the line often, men forget the importance of this, and they get too comfortable and start taking things for granted and stop showing empathy and appreciation – which happens to be one of the biggest reasons for divorce and breakup. When we stop caring about our partners feelings and our words and actions align to this, then we allow all the above items to set in and create separation energetically and emotionally. From this physical and mental separation will step in and simply put your woman will turn away from you.
- Attention, Play, Foreplay & Courting – I hear men speak often with great frustration and bitterness about women just being easily swept away by the first dude who show’s them a bit of attention. I can understand that if you look at it from the outside perspective and don’t operate like this or are not conscious to your own needs that it would be deeply painful. The reality is that humans must have at least six conscious healthy touches a day just to maintain a healthy mental and emotional state, that’s for both sexes. When it comes to intimacy and sex, women need to feel safe emotionally and physically to enjoy the intimacy. They need to be able to be vulnerable and free with their man. Women are NOT light switches and do not operate like men do in this region of life, they require time, a slow simmer that leads to a boil. They need laughter, fun, adventure, care, touch, kissing, to feel that their partner is emotionally there with them. All the things that were offered and sold on the front side of the relationship with ease and excitement. However, as time goes on, these things are no longer offered, and the woman’s fire gets turned off through the neglect of these vital relationship maintenance items. As they dwindle, so does her self-esteem, ability to connect, feel positive or good in her own skin. It is well studied and reported that healthy sexual engagement, playfulness, laughter and adventure (learning or exploring new things together) are a strong piece to the foundation of a happy, sustainable and healthy relationship. Without them both parties lose zest and become disengaged in the relationship. Boredom sets in. This one point plays such a significant role in relationships, it perhaps could be the number one reason for infidelity, divorce and a feeling of disappointment with life and relationship.
In close, there are many other contributing factors that we humans are unconscious of, and all points made here can easily pertain to the woman as well, as all relationships are a two-way street, and no one comes into a relationship unwounded or without baggage of their own. The majority of people believe that they can mask or hide from these wounds and can carry on as if they do not exist. The reality is that as we age, we get more scared, we learn from our past and project that learning into our future. Our mates do not just face their own set of challenges and wounds within themselves, they also face anyone from our past as well and what we too are holding tight at our chest, blocking us from authentically relating the way we want too.
We all have our part to play, and self-realization and responsibility is an elemental key to developing a healthy and happy long-term relationship. These seven items listed here are what I have seen to be the key factors to the loss of love and desire in couple hood today. If you are a man that loves a woman, wants her unwavering faith, commitment, love, desire and respect then take heed these points. I do not share them lightly with you, they are the lifeblood to a thriving romantic long-term communion with your woman. Without all of them in conscious action you will doom the relationship and turn her away from heart and sex.
Men get lazy in relationship, they stop investing in the maintenance of it and then wonder what happened.
This 100% of the time leads to an unhappy woman, no or limited sex, intimacy, connection, communication or bonding. It 100% of the time turns your once beautiful woman into a bitter, bound up tight, numb and dethatched soul and it 45-85% of the time leads to infidelity and divorce.
So don’t get lazy.
Relationships are living and breathing things, treat it as such if you want it and love her and yourself!
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Rene’ S. ( KW)