Sadness.
Joy.
Amazement.
Surrender.
I shudder at the thought of the release.
Where will I go from here?
Whom will I become?
My heart is holding so much, I can barely withstand the sensations some days as my mind wonders and I lose myself in thought. The images of times gone past that I long to repeat. I long to hold close to me, knowing that I must let them go. They are no longer my reality. They taught me a deeper level of who I am and who I want to be, but they are no longer with me. Just like I am no longer the person I was yesterday, those realities are no longer here. Life teaches us that you can hold on to nothing. You take nothing with you.
Not into the afterlife, not into the next moment.
Not truly that is.
Sure, we can move forward with all this material stuff. We bring with us, sentimental things as we call the items that we fear to let go of, because we are scared that if we let go of the physical items that somehow our memories will part with them. We carry with us the valuables, those things that we believe that will cost us to much replace or inconvenience us somehow. In truth even these items bear with them some form of attachment to our past realities.
We hold on.
We hold on with all the strength and logic that we can muster.
We hold on with all the ego that we can pretend to ignore.
We hold on with a hope that the realities of yesterday that we loved so much and lost, will come back to us in some magical fashion.
Fearing that they will never.
Knowing that they will never.
Yet we hold on.
Orphans to our past, strangers to our future.
We feel lost in this new paradigm, where we know not what direction to turn, where we feel every choice is wrong. Stepping forward on a path that we have not ever been and that we can not see before us.
Faith.
Faith is all that we need in this time. We know this. We claim to understand it.
It is what all the saints, enlightened ones and masters have told us for thousands of years to lean on. Faith is the key to,
Overcoming our sadness,
Finding our joy,
Awakening to our amazement,
Surrendering to God.
Jesus said all we need is the faith of a mustard seed.
Mustard seeds are effing small.
Have you ever seen a mustard seed?
They are small little brown seeds, one tenth the size of a pea.
That is all the faith we need to move a mountain Jesus claimed. So how do we do this?
My mountains are here before me and they do not appear to be moving, they are steady and strong. Their paths are treacherous and carry with them many changes, much exhaustion, ravenous wolves flock on the paths and chase me, the nights are cold, and the cliffs are steep. The crest that I long to reach is so far before me I cannot not see it.
I cannot picture it.
My map is smudged.
It is written in a language I cannot speak.
I am lost.
I cannot be lost though.
God is guiding me.
This is the pilgrimage of my soul.
The discovery of the me I have longed to meet so many lifetimes ago. Here I am.
Finally, I am meeting me.
I am meeting my soul.
My faith.
Faith of a mustard seed, but faith still. Just like Jesus said, it is all we need. And so that is what I will lean on. The trust that my faith is strong enough to conquer this mountain. Faith enough to meet myself on this pilgrimage and not run from my shadows, not run from my desires, not run from my heart but instead embrace myself.
I need embraced.
My arms are open wide.
My body is ready to receive.
To be penetrated and made love too.
I am ready to surrender.
Here I am in the arms of faith, waiting to be carried on the path,
I long to be carried to my highest point, where I touch the clouds, see the sun beams dancing on snow covered tips of mountains around me. I desire to feel the crisp cool air of a new life that awaits. To breathe it in and allow it to fill me.
Restore me.
Recover my soul.
Faith.
All we need is a little faith.
Faith in me.
Faith in God.
Faith in these shaky leg’s that they will carry me.
Tears may stream down my cheeks, my heart may race, my hand tremble,
Deep down I feel the presence that I crave.
I feel the presence of a Great lover,
It is no lover like I have ever experienced,
It is not a connection of two bodies,
It is not material, physical or superficial.
It is the penetration of my soul.
It is the lover who has always carried me over the thresholds of my existence.
Lifetime after lifetime, this lover is with me.
This lover never leaves me.
This lover is forever f*cking me wide open,
Deeper, softer, harder, longer.
This lover knows me inside and out and devours me.
Drinks in my orgasm as his own.
The rapture he offers me is more than I can share in words.
It is more than my physical body can take in.
It is bliss.
Yes, faith.
All we need is the faith of a mustard seed.
And we can open to a level of our soul,
Revealed in the arms of the greatest lover of our lives.
We can drop our guards and we can surrender.
Here, here is our life.
Our true life.
Sadness.
Joy.
Amazement.
Surrender.
I shudder at the thought of the release.
Where will I go from here?
Whom will I become?
It is up to me whom I become.
With every breath I breathe me in a little more.
With every stroke of my great lover, I feel me a little bit more.
With every, gaze into the greatness of this life, I see my life unfold.
And I smile.
I smile at the mystery,
At the joy,
At the lessons,
At the tears,
At the rapture.
Open.
Trusting and full of faith.
I am no longer being carried,
I am flying.
Wings open wide.
And you can too.
Remember,
Stop Existing & Start Living
kendalwilliams.com