Posted on

THE SEXIEST STATE OF A WOMAN. (OR MAN)

💃💃WE WOMEN ARE AT OUR SEXIEST WHEN WE ARE VULNERABLE.💃
Vulnerability is potentially one of scariest words that we humans have ever come up with.
We often view vulnerability as weakness.
Because when we allow for ourselves to be vulnerable we also run the risk of opening ourselves up to all sorts of pain.
👉Especially when we discuss intimate relationship. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨
Yet, intimate relationship is THE RELATIONSHIP that we hold expectation around that it is our safe haven. This other human being loves us, cares about us and wants to have our backs.
They desire to see all aspects of us.
And that means that we have to surrender to vulnerability.
With that in mind, it’s a damn difficult thing to drop our guards, step away from all the drama and trauma that we have been through and to have faith that we can lean into this other soul and trust what they are saying.
I mean we have heard it all before, right?
And we have believed it only to get hurt.
Badly, hurt.
However, without vulnerability there is no intimacy.
Let’s define vulnerability:
A state of being exposed physically or emotionally.
It means that we are willing to stand before our partner naked in every way.
Revealing in trust our fears, worries, concerns and that we are triggered and sometimes unable to move.
Vulnerability is about letting another see your whole heart, soul and demons.
Yes, those shadow aspects of yourself that even you run from and try to ignore.
For us women, that means the crazy girl stuff.
It means our seemingly irrational emotions.
Our fear of abandonment as well as our anxiety that comes up because of it.
Our disgust around our worth, ability to be enough and if we are pretty and attractive or not.
It pulls up our fears around our sexuality and desires.
Our ability to be comfortable with communicating our needs and desires,
As well stating a clear no with confidence and no guilt.
It means getting real with our natural need and desire to be loved, cared for, protected and provided for in different ways.
We women of today are caught in a chaotic state of fear and a feeling of not being enough.
We reside in this land where our nature is to want support, but we are consistently told that it is weak and demeaning to want for this.
Never in all our history have we been in a relationship quandary like we are today, ‘where everyone is fighting for their rights, their space and sovereignty while disregarding our internal relationship design. The masculine energy that focuses on driving forward, taking action, proving self, not needing and being the protector-provider, leader in all is what both sexes focus on. Devaluing the feminine nature. The emotional balance required to make relationships, family and life successful in all areas.
We are a world focused on success as it speaks to the material state of things.
For men, this vulnerability equates to:
Your desire to walk away from her emotional presentations.
To armor your hearts when you get scared of the storms that your woman shows you.
It is leaning in and sharing that you do have emotions. You do ponder the deeper things and care about intimacy not just sex.
It is getting real with your rage, with your frustration and distrust in how the feminine seems to always abandon your heart.
Allowing your wounded masculine to speak its words of concern about being manipulated or controlled.
It is recognition of your fear of aging, of not being strong enough to protect.
It is acceptance in your concern that you wake each day worried that you won’t succeed.
That you do not know the direction.
It is allowing yourself to be witnessed as a human, a man without all the answers.
And men of today struggle in this world that is upside down, where they question and feel like they are stepping on eggshells, fearful of the reality that they are a man and not knowing what is safe in that or not.
These are all real vulnerabilities.
They are expressed and experienced by the vast majority of people.
Both sexes should respect them.
As all humans should.
No matter our sex, race, religion, financial stature, education, or other….
THESE VULNERABILITIES are what we find on our table.
And they are what makes us beautiful.
I’ll tell you this…
With over 20,000+ coaching hours under my belt,
Vulnerability is the epicenter of an authentic relationship.
It is what connects us.
In tantra we are taught that everything is woven together like a delicate web where if there is any focus to one connective piece it sends vibrations, energies ( thought & feeling) to another. There is no truer space than when we stand naked before our soulmate.
Trusting in them.
Letting ourselves be revealed.
And feeling everything that occurs with the seconds flash of our personal reveal.
How sexy it is to see someone, naked in all ways.
Revealing their soul, heart and demons.
Their transparency and fear.
The hope that you can witness in the teared up eyes.
The depth that draws you in and makes you realize that they are still a mystery to you.
This soul that has entrusted YOU with every morsel of who they are,
Asking for you to slow yourself,
To see them.
To feel them.
To honor their pain and dreams.
This is vulnerability.
And we can only have it when we are willing to care.
Willing to empathize with what is revealed to us instead of judging.
In our capacity to care about our partners feelings as well as our own and to hold space for both.
Here we capture the essence of unconditional love and acceptance.
The things we all desire for,
Hunt for, are willing to change for.
Here we discover a deeper version of ourselves.
And are asked to step up and lean in.
To find the courage to claim this person right where they are.
Naked before us in all their beauty.
Here is where joy resides.
It’s in the receiving of your love.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Want to know more on how to step forward in faith?
How to be aligned to your soul and stand naked before your partner and have clarity and confidence that you will be received fully? This is the soulmate relationship.
 
Message me to discuss the steps needed to get aligned to have that relationship, be vulnerable, certain and more.
 
Inquire about my FREE Clarity Calls Today.
Posted on

COVETING YOUR SEX AND YOUR MONEY, WHICH ARE YOU GUILTY OF?

COVETING YOUR SEX AND YOUR MONEY, WHICH ARE YOU GUILTY OF?

 

Recently I was speaking with a fellow educator, author and public speaker on this matter and he brought up this very question of what we choose to covet more. As I thought about his inquiry, I realized that if I look at my track record and what I am far easier about letting someone be intimate with, to share that I would have to say that it is my body. Thus my sex. 

 

Matter a fact, just this week my life partner and I were speaking about finances, making some large purchases, potentially starting a new business line, how we each foresee the future of our combining money and how we are going to handle financial responsibilities in our partnership. As he asked me my take on these things, I found myself with sweaty palms, a nervous gut, my heart rate increasing and feeling unsafe in some measure. 

 

I realized that I was feeling very vulnerable around money. 

And that I had not shared a bank account with a man, nor major financial items for over a decade. My reasoning was that I had felt burned in my marriage many years back by sharing and I wanted to protect myself, that fear that was activated way back then was supported in a follow up close relationship of sharing almost everything, and had I allowed the merging of finances then, I would have been financially destroyed at the end of that relationship as well. 

 

So here I sat, with this conversation before me around finances. 

And I wanted to run. 

I wanted to hide. 

But I wanted to commit myself as well. 

 

When it comes to money, at least for me, I am pretty tight lipped about it. If I am low in the pocketbook, no one will really know just like if I am rolling in the green. I find that our money is a place of immense intimacy. And for me to share, let alone merge, it means far more than bedding me.

 

Think about it…

 

Which are you easier to allow another person to engage with?

Your body or your bank account?

Your sex or your investments?

 

We as humans generally are easier with our sex. 

We will “hook up” with someone, pressure for sex even, sooner than we will ask for financial help or give it. And the thought of handing over our financial affairs to someone that we just met at the bar or an event, even a person we have been out with a few times versus opening our legs or penetrating another, is laughable to say the least.

 

It just is not a thing. 

(Unless you are a financial dominatrix that is, but that is a special skills set for a unique clientele.)

 

With that said, what do we women want men to prove to us and show us?

We want a financially responsible man, a man that has his shiz together with money, and we want to be romanced of course. 

 

We want to know this stuff pretty early on in the relationship as well.

Many women want to be “taken care of” in some fashion and even feel that it is part of their needs or that it should be expected. In today’s world of high maintenance relationships, money plays more of a role in the getting and maintaining of the relationship than the sex. 

Again proving that we put less importance on our sex and body than we do on our bank accounts. 

 

However there are some major challenges with this way of relating. 

Let me clearly state, there is zero wrong with wanting a partner that is financially responsible and can hold their own, has their shiz together and/or can even “take care of their partner” in some measure in this way, however today’s world and much gratitude to all the feminist movements of our past and current, women can and often do earn just as much as men. We can take care of ourselves and it is silly to believe that if we are really wanting a partnership, a true union and to fall in love that we are not basing it on each other’s bank accounts or investments but on our hearts and the essence of each other. 

 

Do we coming together make a better you and a better me, thus a better us? Or do we drain each other in some way or have a relationship that is one sided?

 

The two leading factors of divorce today: Sex & Money.

 

Here is the issue, we never drop our guards around our money out of fear of getting screwed over and we never drop our armour around our sex, because that would require us to be vulnerable with our hearts as well, because we are afraid of getting screwd over and hurt there as well. 

 

We do enter relationship and attempt to build partnership with surface level, fast food sex that is easily handed over in hopes of being cared for financially by our mate. And generally the man will hand over romance and his financial resume with ease to “prove” or convince to the woman that he is good enough to get into relationship with. 

 

So women hand over sex and men show bank statements with roses attached and a trip. 

 

And THIS is what we base love on. 

THIS is what we proclaim to be chemistry, energetic connection, even romance.

It’s all a bunch of malarkey!

 

If you need romance to feel safe in your relationship, you’re setting yourself up for heartache and failure. If you need to prove that you have this or that then you are setting yourself up for failure and drama. If you are jumping into bed right away to feel connection, but “think” that the sex is a sign of love and commitment, then you are fooling yourself and will only discover pain. 

 

We women think that romance should be a prerequisite of getting into a relationship. 

We believe that it proves that he is caring, taking it serious, wanting to go deeper, and is mature. 

We think that it is a sign of emotional maturity even, because he shared some feelings after a bottle of wine and some sex. 

And we are eager to open ourselves up physically and “act” vulnerable because we believe that’s what is required of us as a prerequisite to the relationship. 

 

Money & Sex. 

But what if the opposite were true? 

What if we had to earn these things, and the earning came from us first actually being in a relationship and revealing who we really are, as well as taking the time to get to know someone. 

What if we waited a few dates in to have the sex?

What if we waited to romance each other?

But instead chose to inquire and communicate how we do sex and money in relationship upfront so that we knew if we were in alignment or not on these two major subject of relationship and partnership?

 

What does that look like, you may ask?

 

Healthy dating, which leads to healthy relationships and then to healthy partnerships starts with healthy communication.

 

And that looks like this early on: 

 

“How do you operate around sex? I like to spend this amount of time with the person I am dating and I like to do it like this (number of dates per week, calls, daily texts, overnighters , trips) I prefer monogamy and exclusivity, as that is what I am looking for in partnership and commitment as well. I do not like to dilute my energy and time in the dating process. How does that sound to you and are you open to doing this in our relationship?”

 

Unhealthy communication around this same subject would look like this:

 

“When I am dating someone I expect monogamy and exclusivity from the start if I am going to invest any further time with someone.”

 

It’s all in the delivery. 

 

The majority of relationships today, like always are either casual relationship where the sex flows easy, or transactional where there is the expectation that you give sex for financial safety and you give financial safety for sex.

 

There is a cost associated to a relationship. 

And anyone who says that there is not they are crazy in the head or a taker who does not do their fair share of carrying the cost, nor appreciate it. 

 

There is dinner, movies, presents, gas, travel, time and so much more. 

All the little things. 

Our world runs on money. 

Our relationship does as well. 

 So why not address this up front pretty early on?

 

“How do you operate with money in a relationship?

“How do you use money in a relationship? – do you like sharing expenses? Do you like to treat and plan events as well as receive a treat and planned out event? Or do you want just the man to lead and take care of it? Or you always have to pay your own way?”

 

These inquiries show how giving a person is and what their capacity to receive is as well. 

I have read a few studies about how men respect women who invest ( yes ladies, I just said that invest) in the relationship more than they respect the woman who just takes. 

 

Men are not expecting the woman to invest an equal financial amount. 

They are not expecting women to foot the bill or to always go dutch ( well the right men are not), 

But a woman who can give and receive, a woman who makes plans and prepares events, dates and grabs the drink round every now and then, is something rare. In general, we women will fall either hard core on “ I GOT THIS!” and insist on not receiving to prove that we don’t need a man, which is silly because why then are we even wanting to explore relationship with a man, of courses we need men, just like they need us, but not for money or sex. But for depth, connection, expansion and life partnership. Or we women, expect that the guy will bear the full load always and dare he want a partner in the land of money. We will offer up our sex but not our money.

 

To have a partnership, we must let go of our fears of being vulnerable with the subjects that make or break relationships, and instead be willing to broach these topics sooner than later or we will forever find ourselves in the nasty loop or transactional relationship where we forever feel alone and used.

 

On both sides. 

 

As Always, Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Ready to say YES! To your soulmate relationship today?

That’s what I have been helping countless individuals do for the last two decades and now it is your turn beautiful Reach out to me today to explore 1:1 coaching

Posted on

Trust, Truth & Establishing Rock Solid In Couplehood.

OUR TRUST IS BUILT ON THE FOUNDATION OF TRUTH…

But is that true?

 

We would like to believe that it is just this way,

however if we are honest with ourselves there is something that is so much more rare, more important and powerful in letting us know that we can trust someone…

 

All relationships need trust in order to be successful.

For us to open to love fully,

to surrender our deepest hearts to another,

to open our bodies to pleasure with our mate,

or to reveal our pain,

we must have TRUST.

 

Through the course of time and engagement with different people in different relationships we learn that trust is hard to have.

We discover that many people all though they “think” themselves trustworthy, believe that they are worthy of being trusted and that their actions and words support that more than often it is not so.

More frequently then not we learn that those that we trust in are acting from a self-centered aspect only giving of themselves and speaking out of a desire to receive and therefore will make themselves into anything needed to be perceived as steadfast and true.

 

But a person who does not know themselves,

who is not able to be true to their own thoughts, feelings and needs and is willing to “pretend” or mask is a person that is far from trustworthy.

 

Only when we can stand firm in self,

uneeding of anyone else to affirm to us that we are good, loveable, worthy, trustworthy, etc. can we be true to someone else.

 

And that is what we are wanting in our relationships.

Especially in our most intimate primary love relationships.

We want to know that our partner is true.

 

We want to know that if the sh*t were to hit the fan that they are there for us, no matter.

We want to know that they have our backs in battle and in love.

We want to know that even if they do not agree with us that they value the relationship more than they value being right or making a point.

 

We want ROCK SOLID.

 

And rock solid comes from unshakable trust in each other.

Trust is established, built and supported not by truth but by support of each other despite opinions, beliefs and even truth.

Trust must come from a harmony of knowing that we are supported fully but also that our partner will be honest with us.

 

Meaning that they will always share their feelings and thoughts around things no matter how different or challenging, but will not allow for those feelings and thoughts to take center stage and offset the unity and foundation of the relationship.

 

There must be an understanding that there is a difference between truth and honesty.

 

Truth is subject to one’s own perception and experiences and then made into a fact unless scientifically revealed. Even our own truth in history is subject to opinion and written by those who conquered for the most part. Often truth is based in a need to be right or to set something straight.

 

Where honesty, although still subject to one’s own perceptions and experience is a sharing of our core views, beliefs and feelings. True honesty is based on surrender and trust of being received.

 

OUR TRUST IS BUILT ON SUPPORT.

 

If you know that you cannot fall, how far can you go in life?

What sort of life challenges can you overcome?

 

If you know that there is no goodbye in your relationship, how deep can you surrender to your soul and into the revealing of it with another?

 

If you know that even if you are wrong in a choice or opinion that your back is had in every turn without question, how much more powerful and even able to hear and see the truth could you be?

 

Trust equals freedom to be you and surrender fully into the relationship.

How are you showing up for your love?

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Explore the depths of what is needed to build trust and enjoy a rock solid commitment with your partner.  Reach out to me for my elite couples coaching today.

 

LISTEN TO IN COUPLEHOOD TRUTH VS. SUPPORT LIVESTREAM NOW.

Posted on

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF – I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANTED YOUR SEX, HIS SEX, HIS SEX AND HIS….

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF….

I WERE TO TELL YOU I WANT YOUR SEX…

HIS SEX… HIS SEX… AND HIS…..

 

That’s a hard pill to swallow no matter if you are a man or a woman hearing it from your partner.

 

When the one you have invested your life with,

shared so many firsts with,

are doing this thing called life with,

comes to you and says that they desire to explore another,

or a few others.

 

The first reaction is fear.

The next anger.

And then you question,

“whats wrong with me, why am I not good enough.”

 

It feels like your partner has just told you that you mean nothing to them.

It feels like they just drove a million swords into your heart,

into your love and happiness.

And you find yourself not trusting.

feeling lonely, jealous and mad AF!

 

Whether they have acted on the desire of exploring another or not,

Most people struggle with their partners sharing a hunger for anyone but them.

Most feel threatened that their partner would ever even admire someone else.

Let alone say that they may want to explore someone else.

This goes against everything that we have taught since marriage came into play thousands of years ago.

 

But I tell you this little tidbit of truth in relationships.

No matter if you are in a monogamous or open relationship,

it is crazy stupid to think that all our desire,

all our noticing of others,

all of our attractions end for anyone else on this planet and is to ONLY be directed toward the one that we have sworn our sex too, our hearts too, our lives with.

 

The belief that desiring another is not healthy is perhaps one of the most toxic beliefs that can fall into a relationship.

It causes shame, guilt and separation in the relationship.

It prevents each party from being truly authentic with self or each other, and it creates a victim mindset.

 

Think about it,

In our culture that values but does not uphold monogamy we have programmed ourselves to believe everything that is not coming from love.

 

We say that we unconditionally love someone.

We say that we value honesty and truth above anything.

we say that we want our partner to shine,

to be happy and feel their best.

We claim that freedom is high on our list of desires.

We say that we do not want to own anyone.

And then we do everything in our power to do just the opposite.

 

And we start by preventing our partner from feeling their truth.

and ourselves as well.

 

We start by saying that from here forth we are it for each other.

Neither of us will EVER think about, look at or have a desire for anything or anyone outside of this relationship.

 

And if one of us do,

well we certainly better never admit it,

but if we do have a thought or feeling and it gets seen by the other then that will cause great jealousy and fear.

It will prove that the desiring partner is not to be trusted.

It will prove that the love was not real.

It will prove that there is a lack of commitment.

 

Here we have some of the greatest lies told to humans in relationships.

 

THE LIE THAT JEALOUSY IS NORMAL AND IT IS AN INDICATOR OF LOVE.

 

Jealousy has zero to do with love and everything to do with fear and lack of self-worth. It is about controlling someone else through emotional warfare to hold them in place to where we remain comfortable and feel safe. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity in the one feeling it and has NOTHING to do with actual love.

 

THE LIE THAT YOU SHOULD MEET YOUR PARTNERS EVERY NEED AND IF YOU DON’T THEN YOU ARE INADEQUATE OR THEY ARE TOO NEEDY.

 

This is a most unreal expectation placed on all of us in a relationship.

No one will ever be able to meet someone elses every need. No where else in our life experience are we expected to fulfill every need met for any person in our lives, children, friends or work related, we understand that it takes a village to meet all the needs. However when it comes to our sexual/romantic relationships we believe differently.

 

Here we get trapped in the concept that our partner MUST be our everything. That they must complete us. And if they do not or we cannot for them then we are not good enough or they are not.  If we do everything that we can to fulfill every need and fall short then perhaps our partners are too needy, perhaps they want for too much and are even using us or taking us for granted.

 

When in truth these expectations are simply unreal, causing shame, guilt and feelings of a lack of worthiness or enoughness in one or both parties.

 

THE IDEA THAT YOUR INSECURITIES ARE YOUR PARTNER’S RESPONSIBILITY TO TIP TOE AROUND AND NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO WORK ON.

 

We are told that if our partner loves us then they will do everything in their power to not hurt us. To not harm our feelings and that if our feelings get hurt that it is a direct attack from someone who is being selfish and uncaring. We walk into a relationship expecting the other to magically never trigger us into any negative feelings or thoughts and to be able to read our past memories and current moods and thoughts without us having to say anything to them. And when they do not… OMFG! how disrespectful and uncaring.

The blame game is among one of our favorite games to play because it takes our responsibility away from managing ourselves and allows us to manipulate our partners emotions by having them believe that they are so powerful because of the love that we hold for them to make or break us in any given moment. We expect them to change and to grow, to become better so that we can somehow avoid the hassle of ownership of our own mind, hearts and actions. “You made me feel….” ” You should have known…” etc.

 

The truth is that NO ONE is responsible for our feelings or thoughts. Our hyperactive sensitivity has nothing to with this world or anyone else in it, instead it shows how insecure we are in ourselves about who we are and how we choose to turn over our power consistently in the pursuit to get what we want the most in that moment… control over someone else’s actions, thoughts and feelings.  The only person who can ever help us or change us is the person in the mirror and until we fall in love with that person and fully accept them in all their humanness we will never feel secure in the arms of another.

 

THE BELIEF THAT COMMITMENT IS SYNONYMOUS WITH EXCLUSIVITY.

 

Commitment = Exclusivity is the common belief. If you desire or need any other romantic/sexual or emotional relationship then you are not committed. Matter a fact you are considered to have commitment fears and issues.  This is sort of like saying if you have more than one child you can only be committed to one child and none of the others. There is only so much love to go around. Only so much concern. If you are committed then you should not ever have any curiosity. You should never feel a connection with anyone else.

And if you do, well you are not committed. You are not to be trusted. And certainly do not value the love that you share.

 

When the truth is that these two are not the same.

To be committed is to be dedicated and loyal to someone.

That does not mean that you have to exclude every other person from your life and all relationships that may trigger your partner.

Commitment is something that is unique by definition to each individual, because loyalty or dedication means something different to each.

Yet in many relationships we believe that once we are with someone that we can no longer have friends of the opposite sex, that we have to be completely different around the opposite sex, and we have to close off our personalities, close down the things that we enjoy and avoid at all cost or risk the perception that we are not committed in our relationship. This also comes back to the concept that we are responsible for our partners’ insecurities.

But it is not true.

 

THE IDEA THAT YOUR VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF TIME AND ENERGY THEY SPEND WITH YOU, AND ZERO-SUM COMPETITION WITH EVERYTHING ELSE THEY VALUE IN LIFE – INCLUDING OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.

 

When we are in a romantic relationship we feel like we need to attach at the hip.  After all, this person is our person. This is our best friend, our lover, our life partner. We should want to spend as much time together as possible, right. And if they care, if they really love us then there will be zero competition with anything else in their lives. They will want to be with us more than they want to learn that new skill, or play with their hobby, more than they want to work on themselves or build their career, and they most certainly will ALWAYS choose us over any other relationship.

 

Just because we are in a romantic relationship does not mean that all of our desire for everything else should go away.  It does not mean that we stop wanting to explore and expand alone. It does not mean that we must spend every possible waking moment together nor that we need to experience every first with each other. These are ridiculous, illogical ideas that can not be manifested without killing desire for our partner and creating boredom.

In order for us to crave our partners we must expand as an individual. We must have a life outside of our mate.  So often people feel like they have lost themselves, that they don’t know who they are anymore or that their partner does not see them anymore. This all stems from the fact that they prevented the space for growth as an individual and thus lost the magic of the relationship.

 

THE IDEA THAT BEING OF VALUE TO YOUR PARTNER SHOULD ALWAYS MAKE UP A LARGE PORTION OF HOW YOU VALUE YOURSELF.

 

You complete me is a common statement that you hear in romantic relationships.  The idea of being completed by someone lends to it the concept that because we feel fulfilled by a relationship that if that person ever changes or needs for something else or more that in turn we are not of as much value to them therefore we lose our own self-value because the thing that shows of the evidence of being worthy and valuable/lovable has changed.

 

This is crazy. Self-worth, love and value should never be sought for or hinge on anything outside of ourselves and our relationship to self and if we believe in God then to God or Source. The outside world and everyone in it just like ourselves are ever changing. We have no control over what occurs outside of ourselves and if we hinge our value on such we will never be strong in who we are or know ourselves. We will never feel safe or be able to trust.

 

THE IDEA THAT THERE IS A “ONE” OR SOULMATE AND THAT THIS INSURMOUNTABLE LOVE CAN OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLES OR DIFFERENCES.

 

We buy into the idea that there is only “one” true love and that when we find it that it will be able to conquer all challenges.  However, when that does not happen then we feel shortchanged, untrusting and question if love even exists.  The reality is that love, any love has its limits because we do not think of love in an unconditional way. We mix love up with need therefore the love that we desire to achieve in our relationships often comes with many hidden expectations as well as feelings of a need to control it out of fear of losing it. 

The concept of “the one” is beautiful and brings with it the idea that we are uniquely made just for someone else, meaning that we are indispensable to our partner. However this like so many other toxic beliefs in relationships is illogical. We each are unique no matter what, however if we are so needed by someone else is that love or need that is ruling our relationship and thus heart and with that is there any room for each individual to grow, change or transform as life will do to all of us? There is not under the guise of this belief. Because if we evolve as individuals then we may grow out of certain needs with our soulmate. Thus creating separation and a disconnect if both are not growing singularly as well as a couple.

In truth what we see with “the one” is that we are each “the one” for RIGHT NOW for someone and they for us. And maybe that relationship is romantic, maybe it is not.  But what we are to gain from the relationship experience is a greater knowing of self through the experience of another who challenges us, triggers us and calls us forth to become so much more of who we truly are.

 

These relationship myths and beliefs are an under current to our society. They are put on pedestals in our culture from movies and songs, to paintings and literature. They are focused upon in our spiritual study and ingrained in us from our pastors, family and friends.

All of them lead us to a false concept of love.

Unreal expectations of relationships for self and our partners and separation of self by preventing us from not owning our hearts, our thoughts and feelings, let alone our desires and needs out of fear of losing what we call love that is actually control over another.

 

No matter the label that you put on your relationship the question that you should ask of yourself and your partner of RIGHT NOW is,

“Can I be me unapologetically and authentically without a fear of losing you because of me being me? “

 

If you can both answer yes truthfully then you have love and acceptance of self and each other. These are the building blocks to an ever evolving relationship and life.

 

If not, then you need to ask yourself if sacrificing yourself for your lifetime will ever bring you the happiness and love that you are hoping it will?

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to learn more about authentic relating and how to develop a relationship based in unconditional love? Reach out to me to learn more about my couples and individual coaching today.

It’s time to realize that you are worthy of a beautiful relationship.

Posted on

THE NAMES MEN CALL WOMEN AND THE EFFECT THEY CAN HAVE.

SWEETIE. BABY GIRL. CUTIE. LITTLE LADY.
These are among some of my most hated terms.
When a man speaks these words to me,
they send me running energetically away from him.
Nothing is more disgusting than being referred to as a small cute child like soul when you are a grown ass woman.
It certainly is not sexy to be called these things,
unless you are among the pedofilies in the world who get off on such things.
And I guess according to laws that are being tossed around for approval right now,
pedofilia is “natural.”
So maybe I am wrong here in my views.
Maybe I just believe that sexual relationship and sexual come ons should be directed at consenting adults,
and to call a woman a girl is something belittling.
Perhaps.
Or perhaps the term “girl” “sweetie” or “baby girl” is conducive for women who are not comfortable in their sexuality, in their flesh and their stature as a woman.
Perhaps some appreciate to be called such names because they find safety in a man holding the power over them as such.
And believe me, I can understand the beauty and turn on in power play and that a woman in her feminine may appear more ditzy at times, lighthearted and playful. Almost a child like innocence to her character,
but calling a woman,
“little, cute, or girl” is certainly not words of affirmation about her powerful being, or strong sexuality, or sensualness.
Terms that relate to children in my opinion should just remain out of adult sexual play or courting.
But THAT is just me.
That is just what I am turned off too.
And the reality is that if you are turned on to it and you are a woman who loves to be be called “girl” for whatever reason,
then fucking go for it.
YOU DO YOU.
I stand firm in my opinion that there is not really anything that is abnormal or unhealthy about our sexual desires or differences.
Nothing except for when we wrap in children or animals.
Neither of these can authentically consent or have the mental/emotional capability of making a decision based on sound understanding, nor are they physically built for such acts.
But that is a whole different story,
one I could go deeply passionate about because of the shit transpiring in our world that everyone is wanting to hide and turn their attention from,
but it is so fucking real.
Anyway back to the name calling.
The thing I want to point out is a level of respect that names share.
The names that we choose to call people by telling a story of how we see that person, how we feel or think of them.
And then you have the flip side of that,
The names that we call people impact that person based on their past, and can trigger many emotions and responses.
Some can be wonderful and deep.
Some can be painful and shameful.
Some can trigger feelings of “You have no right.”
In other words,
you need to get to know the person you are calling on with such terms prior to just assuming that it is okay.
For example,
I hate being called “honey” but I allow one friend/lover to do such because it is his word with me. It has been built up over a decade of a deep friendship and intimacy and I actually feel an endearing to him when he checks in on me and says,
“honey.” But anyone else, OMFG! Just shut up and get away from me. Not okay.
I have a handful of men that I feel good about being called “babe” with, these men have a certain masculine vibe with me that it works. And they do not over use it. But when I get random messages on social media or a text from someone that is not at this level of my inner circle saying that, they get bitch-tood right back at them or ignored.
And the word “sweetie,” or “baby girl” or “cutie” — WELL THROW UP!
I don’t care who you are, it’s not working. Makes me want to grab someone by the balls and do not so nice things.
WHY?
Just because that is how I personally feel about these words.
They are fighting words to me if anything.
Many men like to call women “love” and it is a pretty general term these days,
I even catch myself saying it to people.
But not random people I have never met or do not know well enough to exchange terms of endearment with,
and I always make sure that the feelings are mutual and I am not crossing any lines.
But again,
many men tend to think it okay to approach out the gates with this comment,
believing that women will be captivated and I guess drop to their knees and say, “OMG where have you been all my life, I feel so much love coming from you, I just can’t control myself. I must get with you.” —- REALLY?
Said no confident woman ever to a man who drops a cheap ass line like that or any of the ones above.
Name calling is a big deal,
weather you want to believe it or not,
agree with my feelings on these names or not,
I can promise you one thing,
when someone calls you a name,
or you call someone a name,
you feel something,
and that impression that you feel sets a boundary.
Sets a tone to the whole relationship.
Just the other day a dear man in my life messaged me,
“Good morning Kendal.”
I have chosen to allow this man into my more intimate world,
into my inner circle and life and connect deeper with me. This has occurred over a year of deep relating and learning each other,
and so I responded back and said,
“Please call me Rene ( my middle name) it’s the name I choose to go by with those close to my heart.”
Now first, dear men reading this, if you are not this man or the few, and I mean VERY FUCKING few people that I am down for using my middle name, then please DO NOT message me saying “hey Rene”
that will not get you any brownie points.
Second, what I was sharing with him was my trust.
My heart and that I was wanting and willing to be more vulnerable, more seen with him.
That he had earned it by being a man that respected me in so many ways.
Had he played his cards different and called me by any of the names above on my DO NOT USE list,
well this would not have happened.
And then we would not be as close as we are either.
Name calling holds energy.
And this is what you need to understand.
Name calling says a ton about both sides.
Respecting someone,
loving someone means that you get to know them first and listen to their needs.
And guess what the first exchange in any relationship typically is?
Yes our name exchange.
So to make an assumption and start off with your choice of name just because that’s what you like,
that’s what you feel comfortable with,
is you disregarding the others feelings and doing potentially exactly what some of these names lay evidence too.
Make small of that person.
So get to know a person.
Respect a person.
And realize this,
WORDS HAVE POWER.
 
 
 
 
As Always,
 
Stop Existing & Start Living
 
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
 
 
 
What are you waiting for my love?
 
Let’s get you your power back.
 
October Asskickery Month is upon us almost and you are not signed up for 4 powerful asskickery sessions with me, where you get to take back the life that you have always desired.
 
 
 
 
Reach out to me for the 1:1 coaching opportunity TODAY and save almost $1000.00 Now.
 
 
 
 
Posted on

The Feminine Carries Wounds For A Lifetime.

Some wounds never heal for a woman.

 

I have learned through the course of my 44 years on this planet thus far and who know how many lifetimes before ( if that’s even a thing) that some wounds live with us and carry forward no matter how we try to mask, hide, forget or “heal” them.

 

They are markings on our vessel that serve a purpose that we are to never fully turn away from.

And as a woman, I feel that the feminine perhaps emotionalizes and carries them even deeper than the masculine can ever comprehend.

 

Around the topics of love, sex and children,

we discover the potential for some of the most significant wounds.

And I believe that because a woman feels life move through herself in all of these areas that when a wound occurs here that it impacts deeper and on all fronts of her experience.

 

Think about it….

Sex happens inside a woman’s body.

When you have sex with a woman,

you are INSIDE her body.

You are actually inside another human being in these moments,

and inorder for her to enjoy the moment then she must not be in her mind,

but be able to surrender emotionally, mentally and physically to the experience.

Sex is an external expereince for a man for the most part.

Sure men have heart in it,

and the best lovers come from this space not just from their genitals,

but still sex is happening outside of the mans physical body, creating a certain level of detachment to the process.

Where for a woman,

it is the opposite. It is happening inside her actual body. She must open her body to her partner and in order for her to not be harmed she must trust that her partner will be present and honor that space of her being as well as her heart.

 

This is why, rape or anything in its nature is not just a physical act that can be physically healed through. It is far more impactful than that. It is mental/psychological and emotional.

And the repercussions are life long for many in these areas. It is something that will bear with it body memory FOREVER.

 

If we look at love, here too a woman goes deep. She loves with her whole being and she opens herself from this complete state. She is not just loving, ( when it is pure and real) from a place of mind or body. It is not a place of logic. It is the whole being. And when a woman enters into love from this space she melts into the relationship, she becomes one with her partner and she surrenders her fears, her doubts, her pain and armour. She puts it all down and opens herself to being conquered by her man.

Here she is truly vulnerable and knows that he can do great damage if he turns away or chooses to not stand strong in their love. But she enters love anyway.

This is a space that if wounds occur,

they never fully heal.

They remain with a a scar, a void underneath her shield for her lifetime,

always tugging,

always craving for what was had and then lost.

 

 

If a woman becomes a mother,

no matter the time that she is one,

She has forever surrendered to this new state of understanding about self and life.

Many women become mothers but are not with children.

Many women believe that these moments that they carried a child ( may it be weeks, months or years) that in the loss, whether chosen or not, that the impact can be overstepped and forgotten.

But once experienced they have to surrender their deepest heart to the truth that it will forever be carried with them.

The deepest of losses.

Men again have heart here,

feel loss here,

but cannot ever fully understand the impact emotionally, physically or mentally that it can have on a woman,

and the disconnect that occurs at this loss between the woman and her very soul and body.

 

Again this is because it is internal for the feminine and external for the masculine.

A man is told about what he helped create but he does not breathe each day of creation in the true essence and feeling of shared space with another soul 24/7. He does not experience the hormonal responses, the emotional tolls or the physical labor of the event.

And if that child is lost,

he can never comprehend the impact of the mind/body/heart or soul that it takes on the feminine,

because he is detached to the external experience.

 

All three of these wounds:

sex-love-children

 

All three of these experiences awaken and shut down the very heart of a woman.

They are life altering.

Personality shifting.

From a cellular level they forever change who the woman is and how she chooses to walk through life.

They have the potential to make her blossom,

or implode.

Not one of these life experiences can ever be fully healed or forgotten.

 

Many women experience all three wounds.

Many women do not pay proper honor to these transformation points but in turn shame, guilt and blame themselves for them.

The self-hatred and disgust that is often lived in for a lifetime to follow,

prevents the feminine from ever fully receiving herself again, and she walks through life fearing and doubting her truth.

It is difficult to get a woman who has experienced these wounds to ever set her armour fully down again and trust.

 

And if she does choose to do so,

she is quick to grab her sword and shield at the slightest sign of trouble.

She forever will walk on eggshells within herself, knowing how fragile she truly is.

 

And yet the answer is to trust herself and learn to love herself fully again,

despite the pain that she carries,

knowing our courage and strength as a woman is where we can once again enter into love with self and trust with God.

 

From this feminine heart to yours,

I feel your pain and fear,

I have walked all these wounded paths before,

and I speak today to you beautiful women of the world from that place of not healed,

but a knowing that in our honor of self that we find our breath,

we discover our life again,

and we live.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Loving

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Ladies it’s time to own your power and learn to love again.

Love self again.

Honor self and live your F-ck Yes Life Now!

Reach out to me for my ladies only coaching opportunities now.

 

Posted on

Let’s Get Real About What Define The Relationship Really Means.

 

“I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”

 

Maybe I have commitment issues some would say,

and I have been told this from past lovers.

They were convinced that because I refused to be labeled,

because I refused to DTR ( define the relationship) that I was not good with commitment.

 

They could not just accept my looks of love and desire for what they were.

They could not accept the sweet and tender vulnerable moments shared for what they were,

They could not just go with the passion shared and the hours and days or even weeks spent enthralled with each other.

 

No, they wanted the MF LABEL.

And for some reason, the label is what made everything real.

Not the actual effing relationship that was presenting itself each day, each moment.

No, they could not trust that.

They needed the words spoken,

just how they wanted to hear them too mind you,

for it to actually be real.

 

Nothing mattered but the label.

 

And because I am a person who understands what labels are actually about,

I have a really tough time getting down with defining any relationship for that matter.

 

And here is why.

 

You see labels and definitions of relationships have NOTHING to do with love or commitment for that matter.

 

They don’t have anything to do with trust either,

and they are not offering any more security for either party as well.

 

What they do is allow us to compartmentalize the relationship, cause separation because now we segregate this relationship from the rest of our lives.

 

Labels allow us to define what the relationship “should” look and feel like. How it “should” play out and what the expectations are within the pretty little box that we have put it into allows for.

 

Labels are often asked for because one party or both are wanting validation for their existence and level of importance in the relationship.

 

This validation gives a false sense of security.

Which makes the partners feel safe and believe that NOW since the relationship has been properly defined that neither party will step out of the box that it has been filed in.

 

And that is what DTR is all about folks.

Validation of self through another, false security and control.

 

Because with this DTR what we are wanting is the safety ultimately of knowing ( well believing) that our partner is now “OUR PROPERTY” as defined by the label provided.

And of course they are down with abiding by the rules of this definition.

 

Funny little note, most people just assume that other people’s definitions and rules of the label are exactly what their own are and never stop to discuss these important things with the person that they are trying to do a relationship with and get a label on.

 

In my opinion,

(and maybe…. just maybe… I have worked with just a few couples over the last few decades) that one of the major reasons so many couples are not satisfied or in full alignment with their partner is because they miss this vitally important conversation on the front side.

 

The conversation around, “Why do you do relationships? And what are your needs/desires/expectations within a relationship?”

 

Can you imagine if we started having these inquiries between ourselves and our lovers?

 

And what if….

what if our lovers answered authentically.

 

OMFG! That would be amazing.

But often because so many have limited worth and self- esteem issues,

they find themselves needing to feel safe through the validation of their partner instead and therefore answer accordingly to get the result that they want from their partner instead of being truthful and having a truly intimate conversation around their differences.

 

All relationships at some point come to a place where the definition sorta just manifests organically.

But it is an energy that a couple will grow into as time and depth in the relationship is established,

not some words stated because partners feel pressure from what they have been told is important to ask for come date three or month six, or whatever the f-ck timeline you are working on.

 

If you are among the many people out there that feels that need the label to lean and trust more,

or to not have your jealousy anymore,

or to be able to be more vulnerable or intimate with your partner,

and believes that the label is a sign of love,

then you truly need to explore what your definition of love really is about.

 

And ask yourself if this label is truly what you are wanting or if you are actually requesting to set up agreements with your partner as to what your relationship rules are and are not.

 

Then ask yourself how this desire to label and set up these tidy little box homes for your relationship to get cramped in is actually serving the relationship or your supposed love for this other person?

 

What if you became extremely present with your partner and chose to focus on all their good traits each time you were together?

 

What if instead of fearing them doing something that might destroy the relationship, you chose to commit to look for how well they are showing up in it right now and how much beauty you are enjoying with them right now?

 

What if you opted to actually practice authentic unconditional love with them and just wanted to enjoy them in all their radiance because your desire for them was to be that person who can hold loving space without a need to contain their soul and own them?

 

What if you chose to just allow them to be them and you to be you?

 

What if you choose consciously to come into the relationship each new day as though it was a new relationship that you were excited and appreciative of?

 

What if you started to define your relationship by saying,

” I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”

 

Can you imagine how much more depth, love, compassion, witnessing, love, trust, and joy would come through your partner and the relationship?

 

Or continue on your path,

you know the one.

The one that has you believing that controlling your partner and defining your relationship and owning them as property in any f-cking fashion is LOVE.

 

And enjoy all the trauma that creates and the broken expectations and pain.

 

Because that is the result when we attempt to control the human spirit and not allow others to live authentically.

 

Not to mention,

When we do this it is only supporting our fear and at our core we feel the out of alignment that is caused with God and our soul.

 

Level Up Your Love Now.

 

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to level up your relationship or learn more on authentic relating skills that can rekindle, ignite and bring average relationships into Enlightened?

 

Reach out to me about my Passion Coaching for Couples Program today.

Posted on

Why Women Don’t Trust Men.

Tears that cannot be seen are still tears felt.
 
Often I meet people in some of the most difficult spaces of their lives.
They come to me in thier wounding,
in their fear,
in their bitterness and revenge.
Trauma masks them from their truth.
They are lost.
And with thier lostness they have comfort.
 
It is this way for anyone who has experienced pain.
And the pain much of the time is rooted in our thoughts of ego,
which continues to trap us in a nasty loop of past fears, thoughts, feelings and expereinces.
Due to this loop we feel comfort, but we never feel fulfilled or happy as well.
 
Abandonment is one of the the major culprits to this pain.
To these tears that are unseen.
 
Abandonment happens when we least expect it too, does it not?
 
Last night I was having a discussion with a close friend about this very topic. We sat over a bottle of guava rum and had some deep dives into vulnerable shares around relationships and how we could each see a pattern in our past relationships with men. The men that touched us in such a power way, the one’s who openned our hearts, expanded our thinking and taught us incredible lessons about our lives and who we are as women.
 
I sat there and shared about the four past relationships that I find most significant and that I can say that three of them I was deeply and still am today even (if I am real with you and I in this moment) in love with. These men awakened the woman that I am today. And I am ever grateful for them blessing my life as they had.
 
All four of these relationships, professed their undying love for me.
They all asked me to marry.
They all went deep into my heart and soul and penetrated me like no other. Each built on the one before,
taking me into new relams of love.
Oh the stories I could share, and have in other musings.
These four men,
they changed my world forever and taught me to love.
 
They also crushed me in ways that I am sure none of them ever intended of.
Their words of, ” I will fight for you.” – ” I love you unconditionally and want nothing more than your happiness.” – “I can see forever with you.” – “I would NEVER do anything to hurt you.” – You are my world.”
 
Yes, these words as if from a storybook romance,
so lovely, so enticing.
So real for the moment they were spoken,
were the words that also crushed me after a period of time.
 
These words became poison and what they all loved – me,
they tried to kill in their own way by severing through retraction, removal, disposal and even physically action down the road of our relationship.
 
Now, here is the thing I want you to get from this musing:
Was there pain? yes.
Is there still pain? In moments, yes.
But I am more in gratitude than pain at this point, some of these relationship I speak of were from 20 years past even.
Some just a few years back.
It is the lessons, the patterns that I see and want to share with you today.
 
All four men chose to say good bye.
All four shared this pattern in that good bye,
the pattern of not speaking their integrity.
 
They chose to hide from me,
from thier hearts truth.
They chose to lie to my face day in and day out,
even when I inquired directly about what I was feeling from them.
They chose to run and hide instead of face me and say goodbye with clarity and heart.
They chose to abandon.
And this lack of integrity,
caused unfinished business between us,
and shame for them.
They supported my programs of:
 
” I am not good enough.”
“I am unlovable.”
” I am disposable like trash.”
“I am not worthy of true love or even truth.”
“I am not worthy to have someone fight for me.”
“I cannot trust men.”
“I am not safe.”
 
What I see often in my couples work with clients are all these programed statements and beliefs in women and the men not underestanding why she feels this way or what he has done to cause it.
 
I tell you sweet men of the world,
it is your lack of integrity.
 
When you do not stand in your truth to your core,
when you waiver,
when you hide like a little boy behind your mother’s skirts,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you tell us that all is well, when it is not,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you take without care,
demand that she gives you her sex, her heart, her smile even though she is not a yes,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you do not stand in her fire but instead try to coddle and fix,
father, shame, guilt, or teach,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you shut down your heart to hide from us,
when you close off and retract your love through ignoring,
you support these fears of the feminine.
 
When you promise what you have no right to promise,
making firm statments of forever,
preaching your unconditional, undying devotion without the understanding of what you are actually saying,
you support these fears of the feminine.
 
And most of all…
when that moment comes,
if it does,
when you know that she is not the one,
you choose to say goodbye as a coward,
without an eye to eye meeting of the hearts,
when you ghost,
go distant and even turn it into her fault because you are not man enough to stand in your truth,
 
Yes my sweet men of the world….
HERE, here you create these fears of the feminine.
 
The advice I have for you,
is simple.
 
Realize that abandonment does not happen at the moment that you choose to walk away,
your abandonment happened long before,
it was in the very first stages of your lack of integrity.
When you chose to not speak it and be it,
you abndoned not just her,
you banadoned yourself as well.
And this is why she cannot trust.
This is why she cannot surrender.
This is why you will find yourself repeating the same issues with a different women in your life.
 
If you want to have your woman fully,
learn to stand true in who you are.
Even if you do not have an answer for her in a moment,
or unable to fix what has gone astray,
if you feel lost in your emotions,
speak just that sweet man.
 
“My integrity in this moment, is that I don’t know.”
 
Whatever your truth may be,
she will respect and love you for it,
if she knows that she can trust you.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Message me for deet’s on learning how to create an authentic relationship based in love, integrity and desire.
*Photoe credit to www.photographyinwonderland.com
Posted on

So You Think You Can Poly? Why so many monogamous couple’s are turning toward open relationship.

So you think you can poly?
You think you can do open relationship?

Right now I have a bunch of couples coming to me with the desire to open their relationship up.
I have a bunch of singles who desire to get into an open relationship as well.
What’s up with all the openness?

I will tell you what’s up with all the openness…
Open relationships are effing amazing!
They are built on an unconditional love and acceptance that most monogamous relationships could only ever dream of.
Open relationships when done right,
are all about each partner giving themselves and each other the permission and support to explore who they really are and to get their needs and desires met how they feel fit without the fear of loosing their primary partner.
Open relationships encourage each partner to truly work on themselves and move through their limiting belief structures,
through their fear based needs and ideas around jealousy and control equalling love.

Open relationships are hardly ever about the sex.
Although sex is a big part of the relationship guidlines and agreements,
sex is never what it is ultimatly about.
And here is why…

Anyone can go get laid pretty easily.
If you are a female,
there is free, easy to get sex around every corner, no matter your age, looks or anything else.
If you are man, yeah it can certainly be a bit harder ( no pun intended..lol- okay maybe intended)
but at the end of the day if you truly desire it and have a bit of confidence then there is a chick who will hand it over pretty easily.

So sex is not difficult to get.
But thats just friction based, empty sex.
There is nothing too it.
No heart, no soul, no connection.
Its just skin rubbing skin ending with a pump, pump ooohhh, goo, moment.

And that is most likely part of the problem in the primary relationship that triggered this whole idea to open the relationship to start.

Heartless, quick, empty, friction based sex on one side or both.

Opening up the relationship is because one partner if not both feels lost in who they are.
They are starving to be seen, felt and understood.
They are hungry for a deep orgasm.
And that deep orgasm can only come about with care,
with some feelings attached to the person they are dancing with.
Or else, its pointless.
It’s empty and in truth sorta traumatizing to the mental and emotional houses.

Opening up is about realizing that not all connection is equal.
Realizing that NO ONE person will ever, or can ever fill all of our needs. That when we are closed that we will live out our lives only meeting one aspect of self as well.
When we open, it is more about us meeting all the facets of who we are, then about getting laid or having an orgasm.
Opening up is about allowing yourself to breathe into self,
to explore different venues of the mind, the emotions, the physical body.

If you have had sex with more than one person in your life,
then you can pause a moment and think about the different ways each partner made you feel. You can think about how you reacted, conversed differently with each person. How each person, taught you new things about life, or revealed different likes or thoughts, even personalities of the self.

This is why people open.
We grow weary and bored with the self.
We become numb to all this beauty we hold in ourselves,
and we forget who we are.
Our candles grow dim and we need someone to strike a match and help light us up again to all the treasure we have within.

A person who lives in fear of loosing their partner prevents themselves and their partner from ever authentically showing up in the relationship or in the sex. Fear creates an energy of neediness,
fear creates a desire to control outcomes,
and a belief that if our partner loved us truly then they would always put us first.
After all we are the primary partner.
We are the significant other.
We are the life mate.

In truth, the relationship that must hold center stage for any person,
is the relationship with self.
And when we choose to disregard the relationship with self,
we close ourselves to all we have to offer this life,
to offer our partner,
our family and friends.
And we slowly die within.

So yes, this may seem like I just said you need to be selfish in relationship and put yourself in front of EVERYONE else,
and I did say that.
It’s true.
You will never be able to fill the needs of those you love if your vessel is empty.
You must put self- care first.
and in open relationship,
this is understood and honored.
We best honor and love our primary partners and all relationships in our lives when we take care of self in all area’s first.
Now, don’t let this statement lead you to believe that open relationship is about partners demanding things left and right without care to anyone else’s feelings or needs.
Only a self- centered person does that.
And self-centeredness and selfishness are vastly different things.

No, in open relationship the partners discuss needs,
discuss ideas on how to best support each other,
and know that in order to remain deeply rooted in each other and keep their relationship primary,
that they MUST set healthy guidelines, boundaries and agreements in place and honor them.
They know the importance of setting aside time for connection daily and weekly with each other,
keeping the relationship that they claim as a primary,
just that…
PRIMARY FOCUS.
but they do so by honoring themselves as well and speaking their needs and desires. Understanding that sometimes their partner cannot give them what they want or need in that moment.

Yes, open relationship equals difficult, real, raw conversations.
Open relationship means a willingness to see and hear your partners truth and know that you cannot always be the one to support them the way they need.
Open relationship understands that intimacy and vulnerability, truth and answers are not always pleasing or easy to step into.
But that it is what is needed if we truly love someone.
Unconditionally.

Today I ask you to look at your relationship,
no matter the label you identify with.
I ask you to look at your relationship and ask yourself these simple questions,

“Am I making my primary relationship, primary? And how am I doing this?”

“Am I acting out of fear and control in my relationship, or am I offering authentic unconditional love and support?”

“Do I feel that my partner owes me anything or is responsible for my feelings? If so how is this serving either of us or our relationship?”

And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Want to learn about opening up in relationship or want to keep it monogamous but practice the conversations and relating skills of an open relationship? Message me today for deet’s on 1:1 coaching opportunities.

 

Posted on

Accessing the Light Of Your Desire.

I woke with a hunger.
My sex was on fire and I knew what I needed.
I rolled over, spread my legs and moaned a sigh of desire.
Here my turn on was,
igniting me in this moment,
making me yearn for something deeper.
Yes deeper in my sex,
but deeper in my life as well.
A feeling of fear moved through my body and I could feel myself leaning toward contraction of all this yumminess.
As I pondered the sensations,
the hunger,
the cravings and creatve juices of what was birthing from this ignition,
I also feared loosing all that I had created.
Could I survive my turn on?
Could my relationships survive my turn on?
Could the life that I had created thus far survive,
and if so how would all be transformed?
 
This is the agony of turn on.
We touch on it at moments in our life and as we feel its heat upon our flesh and in our hearts,
we fear its power.
Our power.
And question if we can survive accessing a deeper level of who we truly are.
The majority of people choose safety and mediocrety.
They step back from the flames of their SOUL ignited and they choose to ignore it.
To just maybe crack the door to their soul but a hair, so they can see its radiant light flickering through the crack,
but not enough to actual feel its essence in their lives.
 
This is the SOUL.
The soul is that of fire and freedom.
It longs to have ignition.
The oxygen of the soul is the revival of turn on and when we allow ourselves a moment to breathe into our truth,
when we ask why we are settling for so much less sthan what we know is possible,
we wake up the coals of this desire.
Each inquiry of our hearts,
each questioning of our happiness,
each moment we look a little deeper is a stoking of the fire that is hungry to be seen again.
To breathe into life.
 
The only question remains,
“Will you open to your hungers or will you hide once more form them?”
 
The hiding comes through the fear of loss,
the fear of being left alone in your fire,
and being forced to sacrifice all that you have come to love and have.
 
The truth is,
all that you love and have come to have is not stagnet energy.
It moves with time and space and in our effort to try and keep it just as it is,
we squash its life and potential as well as our own.
If what we love and have is meant to be and in alignment to our SOUL,
our heart and truth,
then it will transform with us,
embracing our desires and needs and all that we are revealing,
and if it is not of soul alignment then it must move into a new dimension of relationship with us and that may feel like its ending.
 
Is there ANYTHING in this life that is truly worthy of you stepping away from your power and truth?
 
And if you say yes to this question,
then if it is truly worthy of your sacrifice of YOU,
then would it demand this of you?
And if so , is that love?
 
When we love,
truly love,
we want for the best of another.
When we love,
truly love ourselves,
we understand that we must stand in our power and want for the best for ourselves.
We must not hide our flames of desire,
we must not squelch our turn on.
Because it is this turned on desire for life,
for joy,
for love,
for sex,
for play, connection, revealing, and truth.
That is the ignition of our empowerment.
 
A candle cannot burn when in a closed container.
Yet you may believe that yours can.
Are you living life with this idea?
Are you living in fear of you rturn on and squelching your pleasure, your truth, your power?
 
Or ar eyou asking another to live in this state with the concept that if they loved you,
if they understood your fears and pain that they would just live in a constainer?
The container that you deem safe.
 
This is a year of change.
It is a year of EMPOWERMENT my love,
and you may claim that you want fo rit,
that you want for love and freedom,
but I question if you can truly handle it.
I ask you today to sit with your fear.
To ask yourself if your fear is worth you not living truely YOU.
 
 
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Are you ready for a Year Of YOU?
Availble to a limited VIP group of powerful manifestors and individuals who want to rock out and Kick A*s in 2020 I am doing a private 1:1 opportunity to change your inner world to one of high vibration, focused intention, release of fear and self- sabotaging patterns, and development of abundance skills for life, love and money.
Message me for full deet’s on this VIP 6 -week opportunity to work 1:1 with me and make 2020 a Year of Me!
Start of 2020 and activiating your Yes year to You by saying YES to this potent opportunity today.