A CASE FOR HAVING MORE SEX
“Women grow numb and men become hyper sensitive.”
These are the common challenges that couples face in the bedroom when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure, enjoying orgasm and even desiring sex.
Recently I was working with a couple Pamela and Donald (names changed for privacy) who was frustrated with what their sex life had become over the course of their relationship. They had been together for about three years. At the start of the relationship the chemistry was hot as was their desire for each other. Their sex life was playful, connective, passionate and spontaneous. Something both of them enjoyed and appreciated. However, over the course of the few years spent together, living together and dealing with all that life can offer they found themselves exhausted, feeling more distance than closeness and not in any sort of turned on state. Sex was infrequent, quick, lackluster and both individuals although they wanted to enjoy this sort of intimacy with each other were no longer comfortable with the results they were achieving from it.
Instead of feeling greater bonding, enjoyment, and depth in connection as well as pleasure, they were feeling empty, disenchanted, ashamed and frustrated.
Looking in from the outside of this situation, anyone could see how deeply Pam and Donald loved each other. Their commitment, respect and care for one another was unmeasurable and simply beautiful. They were best friends, supported each other well, communicated well and aligned in so many areas of life together. A perfect match.
You could also easily see and make sense as to why the sexual frequency and passion had faded and become less than what either of them were wanting for. Work, children, stress, stress and more stress. They were as exhausted from life as many of us can become.
The one thing that makes Pam and Donald stand out from so many other couples is their commitment to authentic relating and not faking things with each other nor using one another as a stress release. In other words, Pam was committed to not faking an orgasm just to make Donald feel good about himself, she was also committed to not having duty sex, Donald as well was committed to not requesting duty sex from her and both were committed to having authentic difficult conversation to communicate where each were at.
Many people face great levels of stress in life, some people desire more sex as it helps them cope. While others want nothing to do with sexual connection. Sex should never be used as a stress release, this very usage can create greater issues in couples ability to trust, connect or feel loved. With that said, lack of sex can create many complications within the couplehood as well such as:
- Numbness and or painful sex for women
- Inability to orgasm for women
- Weakened vaginal canal
- Hormonal imbalances for both sexes
- Trouble sleeping for both sexes
- Loss of libido for both sexes
- Premature ejaculation for men
- Erectile dysfunction for men
- Overall stamina issues
- Weakened pelvic floor muscles
- Hyper-sensitivity of penis
EMOTIONALLY, A LACK OF SEX CAN CREATE EMOTIONAL ARMOURING TO OCCUR.
What is emotional armor?
Emotional armor simply is when we humans repress, ignore, block or lock up our feelings toward ourselves, another, or an event. It is a hardening of the heart you could say. The issue with emotional armor, which is a common event in many situations, is that we do not get to pick and choose what we armor to. For example, if we are mourning the loss of a loved one, we are depressed in all areas of life, not just around the loss of our loved one. We sit in a well inside ourselves, grieving for a time frame until we are ready to re-emerge and join back into life.
If we are angered with something or feel wronged in some fashion by someone, even though we can point directly to the cause or person and understand that this feeling is about this situation, the feeling of anger is still present in other areas of our world and can easily be triggered. If our trust has been breached with one person, we unfortunately develop a tad bit of armor with our trust toward anyone.
It is well documented that sex is a bonding tool for us humans. Women especially bond with their partners physically. Women are designed to connect through physical bonding and the cycle of the heart to genitals and back. Men feel more love, passion, purpose, strength, clarity and even trust if they are experiencing connective sex with their partner. The primal nature of sex is to connect two people. To entwine them.
When sex is limited, both parties may begin to fear the loss of one another. Jealousy, criticism, lack of worth all can start to play a role. Where a couple once communicated with ease, confidence and compassion, they may find themselves feeling misunderstood, on the defensive, uncertain and on egg shells. Where they were once playful, now they are too concerned about the reasons for the disconnect and are looking for solutions thus killing off their playfulness and spontaneity. As time goes on without repair to the intimate life, the couple will find themselves feeling like distant strangers who are living together. The chemical bonds that were once ever present as they dwindle to nothing will have both parties questioning their love and reason for being in the relationship. Passion, a feeling of being desired and to desire their mate will slow or even come to an end.
NO ONE WANTS TO SAY THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON THE SEX – BUT ALL RELATIONSHIP IS
However, it’s not about the sex alone.
It’s not about having massive amounts of sex.
The sheer act of intercourse can cause armor physically and emotionally. It can create wounds and a feeling of being used. I have never been one to prescribe the idea of “just have more sex” but I have always been one to focus couples such as Pamula and Donald above on building back intimacy, play, spontenate, passion and letting those things lead to desire and sexual engagement.
Our sexing should be organic and wanted from both parties.
When we have not been tending to this beautiful garden of intimate bonding with our partner however, the weeds will overtake it and create massive issues that will seep out into all aspects of the relationship.
5 THINGS TO AVOID TO NOT CREATE FURTHER DAMAGE TO YOUR SEX LIFE
- Stop faking it! – Don’t fake your sex. Either side. That means to communicate authentically with each other, not just about orgasms but about everything that plays a role on your sex, communication and intimacy.
- Don’t play the blame game! – Many couples will point fingers at each other and give a list of reasons as to why it’s not their fault. The reality is that it’s both parties’ problems. These sort of challenges never come up just because of one person. So take responsibility for your part and when communicating on the subject DO NOT point a blaming finger, only speak about your part and let your partner speak about theirs.
- Stop looking for excuses as to why. – The reality is that both of you have been caught up with life and other things. It’s normal. All couples go through these challenges at some point and level. Making excuses for why you are where you are will only keep you there. Instead look for ways to come back together. What things did you used to do that you stopped doing for self, each other or as a couple? DO more of those things.
- Stop using time, energy and stress as your excuses.- Anyone who is an adult and has responsibilities most likely struggles with finding harmony, energy and dealing with stressors. You most likely had all of these things upon you when you met your partner but your commitment to creating a bond, hunting them, enjoying life and them, and putting “all those other things” on the back burner when you were with them was much stronger then they are now. You have allowed yourself to get too comfortable and not be in the hunt any longer. Again, normal. But just an excuse all the same. Think back to when you were courting your partner, implement some of the old you in today’s relationship.
- Turn to yourself. – At the end of the day, your sex, your pleasure, your energy, your stamina, your ability to know what you need and want and communicate it, is ALL YOU! If you want to insure that your sex life is restored, then its time to commit to doing your own healing work. Letting go of the emotional armor that is blocking you from connecting, doing the physical work on your body to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, self-pleasuring to help restore feeling or reduce hyper-sensativity. Taking care of yourself, diet, exercise, hormones, and sleep.
SEX IS A MIND, HEART, BODY AND SOUL GIG!
You gotta get them all aligned and cared for or your sexual bond with yourself will suffer and that will lead you into a bleak situation with your partner.
TWO THINGS TO COMMIT TO DOING MORE OF TO REKINDLE YOUR CHEMISTY AND SEX
And finally the two keys that can be game changers for your bedroom life.
If your marriage/domestic partnership/partner is someone that you cherish and don’t want to let go of; if you don’t want your love life to end up like over 75% of the populations; if you are fearful of a sexless relationship and just getting through the day then focus on everything in this article for sure but commit without doubt to these items.
- Slow down and don’t forget foreplay. – You may believe that you are doing some foreplay. But I assure you that it’s not enough for either party. Foreplay starts and goes from the ending of the last orgasm to the next one. It’s a 24/7 thing. Its non-sexual and sexual touch. It’s kissing that lasts more than 7 seconds ( the average time of a kiss between a couple) – pecking each other is not intimacy, bonding or saying you care. It’s holding each other at a distance. As to sexual foreplay – women take at least 15-20 minutes to warm up to the act of sex. In order for their bodies to not be harmed physically they must have foreplay – this does not mean simply toys and clit stimulation or inserting of fingers. Treat her whole body as a sexual organ, because it is!
- Say yes more often, look for opportunity and let go of the goal of climax. – Saying yes more often to sex does not have to mean that you follow all the way through on it. Sometimes just being playful with each other with heavy petting, a little sexing without the climax/orgasm and then letting some time pass can do wonders for desire, stamina, and deeper connection. If you want to restore a healthier sex life however, you will have to commit to looking for opportunities to have sex, saying yes more often and taking pressure off of both of you.
Much like Pam and Donald above, I hope that this tad bit of education of human sexuality, bonding, intimacy and relating is beneficial to you. Relationships require consistent growth, communication and commitment in order to be not just successful in longevity but also in happiness and satisfaction.
Our sex lives play a significant role on these things.
Stop Existing & Start Living
Rene’ S. (KW)