Boyfriends are not entitled to husband privileges.

I want a woman that trusts me. That takes all her other guy’s out of orbit right away for me. Who desires and respects me — wants sex, is playful and comfortable in her feminine.

Are you a bad boyfriend?

Okay, gents out there, I hear a ton of talk from guys about women these days and how wrong it is that men need to “earn or qualify ‘’ for a woman’s attention, commitment and love. I also hear men claiming that they do not have the desire that is portrayed of them — that being, a focus on a woman’s looks, kindness, and if she is generally a good person. That they are not caught up with sex as a focus and that the act of “easy sex” does not play a role in their value of a woman and if she is “wife” material.

I hear a slew of men getting upset about having to earn respect and trust and that this needs to come about through integrity, personal-growth and leadership. Along with that, all too often I am seeing a response from the masculine that is fear driven that being a man, listening to your core nature — which for the majority of masculine is understanding that men are action based — this understanding is in modern times perceived as toxic masculinity.

I assure you that your primal nature of leadership, action and being a visual creature is not toxic masculine. Your simplicity of linear thought process and logical action to that thought is not toxic either. Your appreciation of beauty and softness in a woman is not toxic nor is your desire to protect and provide for the feminine.

With that said, you are being a bad boyfriend if you believe that a woman should turn over her sovereignty to you. If you are under the influence of what so many people today of both sexes believe to be healthy and that is what I call — “the no child left behind syndrome.” The instant you start believing that you should not have to earn something (no matter what it is — the promotion, or degree, the acknowledgement, the win, the opportunity or the woman and her love) you turn over your personal power as an individual and become a victim to life, thus making you untrustworthy. You are now seeing the world only through the wounded state instead of an empowered state of co-creation. You are now denying natural human behavior and needs. You are arguing our very psychological aspects and relationship truths that have been proven throughout thousands of years in a feeble attempt to change the dynamics of our core primal natures to suit what the most popular social sects state “should” be.

You are only being a bad boyfriend if you are living from a state of victimhood instead of leadership of the relationship.

And this is ever so present in today’s world of dating, mating and relating.

Our world has made competition and earning an evil.

Interestingly enough, anyone who travels the actual world and engages with multiple people from different ethnic backgrounds can quickly see that this is more of a western issue than a world one. I would estimate that about 60%+ of the actual world still has its grips in what we in the west perceive as prehistoric and unhealthy around roles and dynamics in intimate relationships. Our values when it comes to relationships in the west are focused on what we believe is freedom and the ability to “be ourselves.” The focus of who the self is, is more important than the relationship container, the love with another, the building of a family or the support required to live a balanced happy life together. We in the west quickly sacrifice all of those things and more to make a showing as to who we are — right now. Our fascination with the surface perception of another individual in addition to our inability to relate at any level of depth or truth because the majority of people in all their “knowing of self” have never actually gone deep within to inquire, heal or understand their core issues, thus making it almost impossible to authentically relate with another human being for any extended time frame or depth level.

It is said that men get into relationship for sex and women give sex for love.

This is an outdated statement many would say. And I partially agree, because women want sex and desire just the engagement and pleasure of such just as much as men do and sometimes more so, in truth. The change in our sexual lives really kicked into high gear back in the 1960’s -70’s with women’s rights and contraception. Putting we women into a better place of control of our bodies and fertility thus the course of our lives and showing that we are not just here to bear children and be mothers but can also be equals in many ways and just as great leaders and visionaries as men. This timeframe in our history altered women, sex and relationship as we had known it up to that point — and it was good and empowering. It allowed women to be humans with full rights. Unfortunately, with this empowerment came the awareness of our wounding for all the generations before us and even many women in that day and age. And as it often goes with wounding, there is a great need to set the record straight and show one’s power and strength.

If we watch the years that followed this birthing of the power of the feminine, we see women fighting as though they are men all the more for their rights and focusing on squashing the masculine and anything that they perceived as what we have come to know as the toxic masculine, never realizing that all that is occurring is a shift in polarities. Fast forward to today, and we see men scared to act in any masculine fashion and we see women standing strong and powerful in their own masculine energy (not feminine power) — ready to defend women at any cost — including the demasculinization and criminalization of men across the board.

Today women still play victim and point blame at men, all the while scream that they are equals and show off their power plays as to how quickly they can destroy a man’s world all with the belief that theirs and their generational wounds justify their actions, words, demeanor and pull away from their core nature as a woman which is based in compassion and nurturing.

Simply put, we women have become our own worst enemies and have created a society of men who no longer know themselves and cannot be trusted to lead a relationship in any dynamic. We are the mothers, sisters, friends, wives and girlfriends to the emasculated multi-generations of men who are nothing more than boys — and we did it to them and ourselves with our need to get revenge under the guise of making things right. Now, please do hear me out here as I am sure that this view, I share is outrageous to some. I am not saying that women are wrong for their emotions or even how many choose to act those emotional states out and views. I am an advocate of equality — however that is not what is happening in our world in many ways. Two wrongs never make a right as the saying goes and what we are bearing witness too in our world is just that. The emasculation of men does not harmonize nor balance out the playing field or make individuals of either sex nor relationship better for anyone. What it does do is create a lack of clarity in roles, values and a dementing of beliefs.

How does any of this relate to boyfriends not being entitled to husband privilege?

It’s vitally important to understand the “why.”

That “why” being the “why men act the way that they do in our modern world of dating and relating.” What you are hopefully seeing from the above concept on evolution around this topic is that men no longer know how to be in a relationship. They do not know their place in the world, in a woman’s life, what matters or not let alone how to act — i.e. court a woman, lead the relationship, or their partner. For the most part what I have seen over the last few decades of working with men is a larger and larger number of men questioning themselves, feeling like they are damned any direction they turn and they are walking on eggshells in relationship and in life. Men are struggling. Men have lost their way, their purpose.

Sure, there are more men who are “sensitive” or emotionally attune you could say. They are learning how to become emotionally mature, or at least what is deemed by society as emotionally mature. They are guarding themselves in a different way than what they have for all of history and now the guard is to train themselves into a “yes mam!” state of existence. Where they have weak boundaries, understanding of themselves, limited ambitions, no clear goals or direction, and with all the emotional speaking they are now as fluid as what we women once were.

All of this does not hold a strong woman’s attention, desire or respect very long. Women do not want to parent their boyfriend or husband. They will never trust a man that they cannot count on his own core integrity with and if he is set in people pleasing mode and always giving her what she wants, letting her wear the pants and operate them you could say then she will not respect him as an individual. The same applies back to her. A healthy emotionally mature man wants a woman that he can trust — and that trust no matter which partner we are looking at is based in integrity. Personal integrity comes from your thoughts and feelings aligning with your words and actions. It comes from consistency. This is where couple-hood strength is founded and without it then it’s not a real relationship, it’s just something you are playing with or learning from.

What are husband privileges? And when does a woman allow for them in a relationship?

It’s different for each woman. You have heard about the simplicity of men and what they look for to be interested in a woman; looks, personality, easiness around her. This is what a guy starts with typically. And we women start here as well, however we don’t move past the first date typically if some boxes are not getting checked unless we just want to have sex, then we function just like a guy and we enjoy the moment, but we dear john the guy shortly thereafter or keep him in orbit for another time that we may need a little intimate attention and have no safe options.

Men and women look at relationships differently. We emotionalize differently and our goals, although similar for marriage, are still not the same, especially in different age categories. In our baby-making years, many men are looking for a good mother to his children. Someone who is playful but stable. As men age, they are looking more for someone who is not going to upset the apple cart too much, low drama and they can feel good around — trust. The older a man gets the more he has companionship and friendship on the needs list and the less it is about anything else. Granted all of this is true for women as well — however one of the biggest factors to women at any age is safety and security. A woman wants to feel these things in her relationship and these two words can mean a host of different things depending on the woman that is looking for a man.

Husband privileges means you get all of her that she can give. It means that you have aligned goals, values and are consistent in working toward them as a team. Husband privileges means that she knows that you have her back and that you can stand in her fire of emotion, allowing her to let down her hair and be your woman. She feels safe in your presence and in her life with you because you have proven yourself such. You did not alter who you are for her yet you saw where you needed to develop as a human and a man and due to your relationship with her you found the motivation to become a better you for you and her. Her surrender to your leadership, your passion for life and your relationship revealing her utter respect and love in you — only achieved through your ability as a man to stand strong in who you are and lead yourself, her and your relationship with her. Here is where a man moves from boyfriend to husband and gains the keys to her kingdom.

Boyfriends out there, understand this: you need to do all of the above that you can consistently to prove that you are safe and trustworthy. An emotionally mature woman is looking for an emotionally mature man, not just a man that is good at regulating his emotions or hiding them. There is a difference. She wants to know that you are comfortable in your own skin and life, that you don’t need her but you choose her. That you are there ready to fight for her by standing strong in her feminine presence. An emotionally mature woman understands that unconditional love is bullshit — a myth. She knows that she too, must do her own work and prove that she is worthy of being your woman and she is ready and willing to climb the mountains of her weaknesses to become a better human and woman as well, however she will demand that you do the same and that you are consistent to the path. She will want you to lead through decisions, inquiry, going the extra distance, courting, learning her and revealing yourself vulnerably as well.

If you are a boyfriend who is frustrated with your girlfriend and wonder if she is the problem, then maybe it’s high time that you turn that mirror back around at yourself if you have fallen into some sort of modern-day coma where you lost your manhood and direction and are under the illusion that you have no ability or right to lead a woman? Making you a bad boyfriend.

Undeserving of husband privileges.

Undeserving of her full heart, trust and surrender.

The things you desire you can only have by proving that you are worthy of them.

**It should be noted here that there are “boyfriends” masquerading as husbands, wondering why their wife will not open up and trust, will not allow him to lead. These husbands may have put a ring on her finger, but they either never proved themselves fully or lost her trust, respect and love somewhere along the course of the marriage.

As Always,

Loving You from Here,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Followers”

  • Rene’ S.

*This musing was inspired by a fellow author/coach Chris Lopez who recently shared his thoughts on girlfriend privileges. I adored his truth sharing in his article and decided to write something up with a female perspective on the topic. You can review his article HERE