WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT WOMEN & FANTASY TALK
The erotic world of fantasy.
It plays with your arousal, it has you caught in its creative nature wanting for more.
Fantasy is fun, exciting, expanding to the senses and many believe that it is vital to the longevity of our sexual happiness with our partners.
Through the years I have worked with countless couples who have turned to making their fantasy worlds a reality. After many turned on conversations, they have decided that they want to explore this thrilling world as they believe that it will build intimacy between them and charge up their sexual connection like it was in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. And to an extent they are correct. However, more often than not they are under prepared for what awaits in Pandoras Box of sexual adventures, and they discover that these fantasies should have been kept just that. Fantasies.
How does this happen though?
How does a couple go from talking about things, being playful and open to exploring and then having their world crash around them from something that they both discussed, planned out and were in agreement on?
We are going to discuss some common events that take place in the creation of a not so happy ending.
“Martha and Jon had been married for over a decade, they had two young kids, both worked and wanted to just have a connected, happy, stable life together. They were the best of friends when they got married, common goals and interests and a strong sexual passion for each other. As the years went by, Martha grew distant and uninterested in Jon sexually. Their once hot relationship turned into ABC sexual encounters (Anniversary, Birthday and Christmas) with an occasion “pity sex” when Martha grew weary of Jons moping around the house and poor attitude.
Jon took it upon himself to “take care” of himself as needed and turned to porn frequently to assist in this process. Martha knew of his actions and although she was not a fan, she ignored his actions because it was better than her having to do the duty. And so, time went on and they pretended that all was good and happy just as is. Then one day Jon asked Martha if she would like to watch some porn with him. She initially said no but then changed her mind at the sight of him dropping down into a sad stoop at her response. She watched it with him, and he became increasingly more aroused, touching her while they watched and listened. He became more attentive, more kissing and caressing all the areas that she enjoyed having touched and she thought that he had forgotten about through the years. As they listened to the moans coming from the screen, their own engagement got more intense which is where Jon realized the turn on in hearing sex happening while having sex with Martha. Being able to look over and see another couple in the sexual act was also stimulating to his senses and gave him more ideas as to what he was wanting to explore with his wife. She seemed like she was really into it as well and so the fantasy play began.
Jon found that if he asked Martha for sex in a more dominating fashion where he held her hands above her head and pressed her into a wall while kissing her that she was more likely to say yes. He discovered that if he grabbed her firmly in bed and pulled her butt over to him, playing with her with his fingers without request that she was more willing as well. He started to learn that Martha had a thing for having him be more aggressive. It aroused her. And they started having more sex. It was all good.
Then one evening he decided to tell Martha a story in her ear while they were having sex. He painted a picture of a scene of her with multiple men having their way with her and another woman devouring her as well. He described it just like he had seen it in a porn he had watched over his lunchtime hour. He felt Martha’s body tighten, he felt her breathing change and it just so happened that why he had been talking he had also been stroking her G-spot perfectly, so she had an orgasm while he was storytelling. He took this as though she had come to the story. The reality was that she had come to his touch. The story actually caused her to go into her head and not feel at the same level that she had been feeling him. It brought fear up inside of her and concern. She did not know how to deal with this new “play time” experience that Jon was exploring.”
And here is the starting gate to so many couples tales of downfall in the bedroom. A miscommunication. Fear to share one’s truth. Fear to let their partner down or to be perceived as a stick in the mud. Often, this is the woman in the scenario that chooses in these times to ignore, not speak honestly, allow boundaries to be crossed and to simply just fake the orgasms, the arousal, the enjoyment of these experiences. Unfortunately, their lack of authenticity leads to trauma, pain, bitterness and often separation.
I once had a female client that described this situation with her husband like this,
“It’s like there is a sexual rope laid out and he wants me to reach and touch it but as soon as I do he moves the rope a tad further down the path and says, “Great but I want more.” Making it forever impossible to please him sexually because its never enough.”
IT’S ABOUT ADRENALIN NOT TRUE SEXUAL AROUSAL FROM ONE’S PARTNER.
It’s about taboo.
It’s about the thrill.
Many couples stop being turned on to each other.
Where they used to be able to just be with each other, find arousal in watching their mate get undressed, shower or even cook or sleep, they now feel empty in these witnessing’s. It’s commonplace, no excitement or thrill. No mystery. That is why fantasy starts to play a role.
In reality, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with fantasy play in a committed relationship.
Bringing in toys, stories, porn and/or even another partner can all be healthy and build connection and expansion in a relationship. Where it goes wrong is when you have to have it to be aroused enough to even have sex with your partner or to be able to have an orgasm.
When you “need” these outside sources to enjoy the sexual connection, you are revealing the true disconnect with self, your partner and with the present moment. You are accessing these storylines because you find that your reality is not good enough.
ANYTHING THAT TAKES YOU AWAY FROM WHAT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU DISCONNECTS YOU FROM YOU AND THE PRESENT MOMENT.
And you lose depth, intimacy and connection as well as all the sensations physically, emotionally and energetically because of this. You turn what is so powerful, magical and beautiful into nothing more than a friction-based act that ends up short circuiting your whole relationship in the long run.
You see often for women they do not speak up on the true lack of interest in the outside stimuli. For a woman to truly be able to have deep fulfilling orgasms and to surrender from the core of her being to her partner she needs to go inward. She needs to connect more and get fully out of her head space. She needs to trust her environment and her man. A woman needs to be in her heart space, trusting and vulnerable outside her thoughts and ideas for her to fully feel her physical body and arousal comes from this order.
A man is visually stimulated by the body movement and what is happening before him. He is verbally stimulated by her moans and sounds. These things intensify his physical feelings and as he grows in arousal his heart starts to open to her if the trust, bond and desire is there.
Fantasy is a masculine exploration with the creativity of the feminine energy.
Fantasy takes you into your mind.
Away from your reality.
Away from your partner or what is happening in the environment.
It detaches you from the present moment and your physical experience.
And often it can in turn cause fear to arise because as the words are spoken the concern of what if makes itself known.
“What if he/she wants to really act this out?”
The verbal stories during the sexing creates triggers in the psyche linking the emotion felt during the fantasy story with a physical response to what would actually occur if the event was real. Granted orgasm may still present itself authentically, however that often is just a simple physical reaction to physical stimulation. As it is well known that many rape victims have orgasms during the crime, not meaning that they are actually aroused to the event but that nerves have been stimulated and the natural response occurs from this.
Due to the fear of authentic communication for many reasons, many couples find themselves well down the path of fantasy play and pushing the limits long before they realize what the truth of the situation is and reach out for help to attempt to heal what they were trying to stimulate through adrenalin.
Porn and fantasy conversation turning to swinger’s clubs, adult bookstores and prostitutes to satisfy an adventure. Believing they have the connection and safety in place. Thinking they are great communicators. Ignoring their true feelings, they venture out.
Discovering that they cannot feel themselves.
They have lost touch with who they are, what they want and still feel empty inside sexually.
Craving for the closeness they once had with their partner, the intimacy and safety they long for in a hunger far worse than that that activated this journey.
And the answer you may wonder?
How does a couple stay sexually satisfied with each other after years together?
When you know everything about each other?
- Focus on laughter and non-sexual touch together. Slow down and kiss each other, really kiss each other as though you have intent for more even if you are just heading out the door to go to work. Look for humor and ease. Make it a point to put a smile on your partner’s face each day.
- Stay present and inquire with your mate. Stop running away into your work, phone or TV show to avoid life and your relationship. Inquire on how your partner’s day was, ask what you can do for them in the day to make their life easier.
- Create routines. We need safety in relationships and routine helps us feel safe. Have consistent connection times each day, saying goodbye in a loving way, greeting each other at your return, touching base during lunchtime. What does your morning coffee time look like, your bedtime? Do more together.
- Create rituals. Rituals are special times where we connect with our mate or go above and beyond to do something with them. It can be something very small and simple or it can be something more planned out and immense. It just needs to be consistent. Rituals show that you are putting your relationship and partner as a primary focus in your life.
- Create space. Sacred space at home that is just for you as a couple as well as private space for each of you to be individuals. Allow your mate to see you in our private space doing what you love so that they can see new aspects of you, the realization of the fact that this person you know so well is an individual, unique and living a life of their own with you. Thus, mystery creeps back in.
- Be playful, creative and look for adventures in all areas of life. This means never stop growing and exploring as an individual or a couple. Look for opportunities and schedule them to do new things.
- Never stop courting each other. #1 issue in long term committed relationships. We take the relationship and our partner for granted. We put work in on the front side then set it all on auto pilot once the commitment is there. This is the starting ground for the loss of desire, mystery, intimacy and loss of connection. Get courting.
- Learn about polarities in relationships and play with them. See what brings arousal to you as a couple in your life.
- Make time for sex! Cannot stress this enough and don’t do it the same all the time. Try different positions, locations, and get toys. Try different touches. Talk about how you want to be touched in that moment and realize that it may be different next time. Slow down and enjoy it and NEVER do it when you are feeling like it’s just a duty. This will only lead to other bigger issues.
- When playing with fantasy, use it for foreplay and don’t do it during your sexing. Stay present with your partner when you are having sex. Notice if you want to leave the experience to think about anything else and bring yourself back to your partner. Feel them, hear them, enjoy them. Remember that if you need anything outside of them to get you there or to arouse you that you are detaching from what is real and creating separation. Come back home to your mate.
For more in depth steps on how to expand your intimate relationship, heal trauma with your sex and relationship, overcome relationship wounding and create a turned-on erotic partnership with the one you love to reach out to me for more help. Realize that there is no right or wrong in relationship or sex. It always comes back to intent, truth, communication and presence.
Once you have these established and stable you can explore almost anything in certainty.
As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living”
Coaching for Grown A*s Believers
-Kendal Rene’