Today is a rough day for me.
I am going to get very human with you dear follower and let my heart be heard here,
Yesterday was mother’s day and I hope that if you are a mother or a woman who cares for others in a nurturing fashion that you allowed yourself a moment at very least to be supported and loved on some,
if not by others,
by yourself.
Because you deserve it.
You deserve it not because Hallmark or society has said that on this day you should be recognized and loved,
but because you are a human being with feelings,
with a heart and desires,
you work your mind and body to support and love on others,
some you may have birthed yourself physically,
others you held space for them in times when they needed held and loved,
allowing them to birth themselves through a difficult challenge,
others you guided and helped point out a new path too,
while others you simply just stood still and let them share.
You deserve to give yourself a moment to breathe,
because all of the mothering that you have been doing has helped make our world a better place,
the souls that you have touched you may never know,
because the ripple that your love has had is great and unseen to your current vantage point.
But you have touched more than you know.
The children that you are raising and have raised,
the children that have crossed through your life as friends of your own babies,
they have been impacted.
Your babies are our future.
And look at them.
You are the mother.
You are the one holding it together so they can learn how to swim.
You do not have to have actually birthed a child to be a mother,
motherhood is something that comes from our hearts,
It is an energy of unconditional love and desire to witness something beautiful awaken in our world.
It is a strength that only a mother can understand,
to stand and witness her child,
the one she cares so deeply for and would sacrifice everything for,
to open their wings and fly.
It is a smile that no one sees,
when you feel proud of that, that you have nurtured.
As many of you are aware,
I am the mother to seven, yes seven children, all that I birthed myself, ranging from 24 years down to 5 years.
These souls that God has blessed me to lead,
blessed me to nurture and raise,
to witness as they grow and become who they are,
are my why for everything that I do.
They are my why to lead,
to constantly get in touch with myself and know who I am and let them see me.
They are my why to show that you can thrive in life and still have deep connection, love and family.
They are my why to reveal that life is for the living not the existing,
that freedom starts in your own head and heart,
that doing what’s right may not always appear to be right to others and may go against the grain of society,
that we are all creators.
No matter our sex, we are manifestors of our lives,
they are my why to constantly focus on my energy,
and lead them to put themselves first and speak from their truth.
And yes I am a proud mama.
Because I have seven very unique children,
confident, focused, true to themselves children.
I see the ripple.
What makes today a tough day though,
is that my own mother, who’s birthday is today is turning 85.
And I am not with her.
You see my mama has dementia and she was moved to a home a distance away from me where I have not been able to see her for some time,
then COVID happened and you cannot visit the elderly.
My mom was already losing who I was a couple years ago,
she was thinking I was her sister and she was falling back into memories of Natzi Germany and concentration camps that they went through,
it became more and more difficult to see her in this state,
my heart would crack to witness her,
and I was struggling. So I had to come to terms with the reality that my mom was passing before my eyes while still “existing physically here.” I had to let her go.
And then I started to notice that she was getting more and more lost in her story lines, she at one point had me getting killed by the Mexican Mafia and told me a horrific tale,
so now, here on the day of her birthday I sit wishing that I could go hug her, tell her,
“Mom, I am doing good, your grandchildren are doing good, your great grandchildren are growing strong and happy, we are all good. We love you.”
But I cannot.
Mainly because of COVID,
but secondly the terror it would cause her to see her daughter resurrected from the dead,
followed with a brief moment of realization that she is not right in the head and that she is losing herself.
To witness her realizing that she cannot recall her life,
her loved ones, her memories or even be present in her current moment is a deep pain to bare,
to hold space for.
And now with COVID I am unsure if I will ever see her again.
And I have guilt and shame around this topic in my life.
I feel bad as though I am a horrible daughter for what appears walking away, staying away,
Letting her go.
Today I mourn my mom.
Today I let her go a bit more.
Today I say goodbye again.
It’s not a happy birthday but a good bye.
And my heart hurts at typing it.
My heart hurts at sharing this little reality with you dear one.
And so it is that all things come to pass.
All things must be let go,
and the lesson that I feel pressed on me,
is to not let your life go until it is time,
to stop existing and making excuses,
living in fear.
Because your days are not promised on this earth,
your memories can be lost while your body still remains.
There is much we must get right with letting go of,
but the moment of NOW is not one of them.
Love Now.
Live Now.
Stop Making Excuses.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
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