I WANT YOU TO WANT TO.
“I want you to want to do the dishes.” She said to her husband of 23 years as they sat on my couch arguing about what was going wrong in the relationship.
“And I want you to want to have sex with me,” he quickly responded back.
This two line snippet into a marriage is one that is common for many and it is the old story line of man wants more sex, woman wants man to show he cares by XYZ.
What needs to happen to achieve some sort of healthy space for these two however?
And how in the hell did they arrive at this place of not having interest in what the other wants but only a strong focus on what they themselves are not getting from the relationship?
It’s important to understand what is actually being said in these statements between these two individuals.
The wife is sharing that she is exhausted in life and feels pulled in too many directions. She wants help at home. And that helps tell her that her husband loves her. That she is worthy of being supported and cared for. It says to her that he values her feelings and appreciates all that she does.
The husband in turn is sharing that he is stressed and exhausted with life and all the directions and problems he is constantly trying to fix. He needs to know that he is more than just an ATM machine, a provider but that he is desired by his wife. The sexual connection to him is not just about the quick act of sex, but that she wants to be with him. It says I love you to him and that she values him as a “man.” That he is enough.
They are saying the same things to each other.
They want to know that their partner cares about them outside of the roles that they provide in life for family, home, and work. They want to know that their partner sees them and wants them.
Basic love language stuff, right?
Yes it is and yet so many choose to disregard the power of the love languages.
And if we are among the many at this time who are familiar with the concept of love languages we believe that we have a priority love language and that if this is filled then we “should” know that we are loved. However, this is not the case.
I have learned personally and in working with thousands of people over the last two decades that the primary love language changes consistently for a large majority of the people.
If we are a person like the woman above who is focused on Acts of Service and then our mate starts focusing on doing more chores and little things to assist us, we are appreciative for a time frame. Then we grow accustomed to it and start to take it for granted. At this point our focus turns toward where we feel/see lack in our relationship. So maybe the next love language runner up is time. Since our partner has been helping out more, we have now noticed that they are not as quick to snuggle or suggest a date night or time away. So, now our “feeling” of being loved rests in the hands of this next love language and we feel like they are ignoring us, they don’t care or they would want to set aside time with us.
And so on.
Might seem hopeless, I know.
So why bother learning love languages or applying them if you are going to just get the run around and taken for granted and still not get it right with your partner?
Because love languages matter.
But so does understanding that we humans are fickle and adapt to things quickly.
Our ability to adapt to the normalcy of things in this case creates bitterness in the relationship and to our mate that they are never good enough, no matter what they do. It will leave our partners feeling used and in an essence they are.
Understanding the fickle nature of humans is powerful, and it releases you from the need and idea that you have to always do something. Instead it frees you into truly being able to connect with your partner. The reality is that we humans desire and need all five love languages.
At different points of our relationships we will need different things.
Depending on our history and what our personal challenges are, how we perceive things and how well we know ourselves will decide what we lean toward.
And they will be ever changing.
Once upon a time I believed that acts of service was my primary love language and it was because in my life and relationship I was a stay at home mother of five young children and I was constantly doing dishes, laundry, errands and all the homemaker things. I volunteered to the classrooms and sat and did homework and crafty projects with my kids. I prided myself in having it all done. Even the bleached baseboards… however I was bitter AF as well about it. Because all I wanted was a day to rest. I wanted to come in and find that someone saw all the laundry or dishes and had just done them because they needed to be done. I wanted my then husband to see that I was exhausted and not ask me for sex but instead let me sleep in and take care of the kids one Saturday. I wanted him to say, “Hey I booked you a massage for 2pm today so you can have a moment to relax.”
None, of that was on the table. And I felt not seen, appreciated or loved. I felt used up.
Years later, I was offered a relationship that supported some of my needs around acts of service but did not provide me the date nights, the snuggling, the moments of “ I want to spend this moment with just you and get to know you deeper, to listen, to share or dream.” And so my primary love language became time and physical touch. I bounced between the two because I had very little of each. The physical touch offered was only sexual and had to be adventurous or it was obsolete. So I did what was needed to get fed the love language I was craving.
Then years later. I found myself dating someone who constantly wanted to touch me and would not let me have a moment of alone space. Time and physical touch was his focus and with it I became frustrated and exhausted in attempting to provide him his needs when all I was craving was alone time. I share these little excerpts from my personal life to say, “ You are normal.”
Being fickle is normal.
Your love languages changing is normal.
And beautiful at that, it shows you exactly where you are at in life and in relationship.
I hear so often from couples that there is nothing wrong in their relationships, that they think that everything is just fine as is, yet then alone they will complain about one of these things to me.
Revealing that everything is not fine as is.
And that is the reality of ALL relationship. It’s never fine as is.
There is always room for adjustment, growth and improvement.
Our fickle nature is designed just so we do not grow complacent but instead desire for more in our most precious gift of intimate relating.
And so that we consistently ask more of ourselves so that we can achieve the relationship that we want for.
In order to have not just a successful relationship based in longevity but also in happiness and satisfaction it is vitally important to understand the power of our fickleness and how we want for our mates to want our love language for us and to offer it consistently.
If we only choose to love our partners the way that we feel love we will resign our mates to a relationship that feels empty and loveless.
So I ask you today to review how you choose to see the requests of your partner.
I ask you to look at how you show your love and if that matches what your partner needs? If you are uncertain as to the answer, you need not look any further than their complaints on what they want/need?
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
Coaching for Grown A*s Believers
-Kendal Rene’
As Esther Perel says the quality of our relationships, determines the quality of our lives. Make 2022 the year that you learn how to have your best life ever! Reach out to me today to learn the power of erotism, play, ritual and routine in your intimate relationships today.