CHEATERS CHEAT! OR DO THEY?
Anyone who has followed me for a long enough period of time knows that I have cheated in one of my past relationships.
I cheated on my long-term husband emotionally and physically with a friend about five years into our marriage. I then cheated with my high school boyfriend years later on my husband and this ex-boyfriend and I kept a close emotional affair going for about a decade after the actual affair happened.
Some would say that I was no good at monogamy.
That I am just not cut out for one committed relationship or that I had commitment issues in general.
It’s even been told to me by folks that this is evidence as to why I need to be in an open relationship and have multiple partners.
The man I dated for a few years back believed that I was cheating on him, so much so that he put a tracker on my vehicle and stalked my every move.
All this “cheating” also set a stage that I was morally okay with being the mistress, because I had put myself into that situation a few times over the course of time as well.
And during those years of being a mistress I was okay with it, I made up all the best reasons and excuses as to why it was okay, and I fully understood that I was getting the best of the man I was with by being his mistress because I did not have to live and love through the challenges.
Through the years and all my dating and relationship exploration I also discovered that when one sets out to learn themselves fully, including their sexual selves and are willing to push boundaries and ask questions, to explore this taboo area of life that we all want to discover connection, bliss and satisfaction in, that the allowance of the sexual self to manifest and the ability to acknowledge ones likes, dislikes and wants in this forbidden arena of being human also meant that I would carry the Scarlet “A” like that of Hester Prynne’s historic fictional tale.
- The assumption that I must need attention and value myself and my sex so little that I will offer it up at any opportunity.
- That I simply do not understand love and commitment, and do not take relationships seriously – I am a player.
- That I bore easily and need constant new adventures in this realm.
- That I must be over sexed and need it multiple times a day potentially, making it impossible for any one partner to keep me satisfied for a length of time.
- That I like having power and control over men and use my sex just for this.
- That I have no moral compass, am an Atheist or am one of those “follow- the energy” hippie girls with her free love approach to life and hey, you teach tantra so that proves it all – because tantra just means easy sex in crazy positions and lot’s of it…lol
The funny thing about this list is that it is partly true.
But not for the reasons you would assume based on just me being a cheater.
- After high school and my heartbreak of losing my boyfriend suddenly, being young and dumb, having my fair share of daddy issues I certainly did not value myself or my sex and I jumped in bed with the first man that gave me a drop of attention, told me he loved me and before I knew it I was married with two kids. Completely dependent on him and scared of life and the world plus, knew that I knew nothing. But I was going to make this marriage work because I had made a vow. Then I cheated on him five years in because I was so depressed, lost and alone that I was looking to be saved and had built a friendship with a man who was in similar shoes and we leaned on each other, creating a bad situation that brings me pain almost daily still decades later.
- I took commitment so seriously that I stayed in a bad marriage where I never loved the way you should be loving to make a marriage commitment to start. So yeah, I did not value the relationship as much as I valued the commitment made. I valued love or what I felt was true love ( this depiction in my head and what we girls learn about in novels and hope for) so serious that when presented with an opportunity to have it come back into my life, even though I was married, I seized the opportunity and clung to its hope for years, with and without the sexual component.
- I do bore easily – in general. I get bored with life, with my day to day, with being who I am, with how my furniture sits in my home, with where I live, what I do and yes with sex that is emotionally lackluster and only duty based. When sex becomes routine and based in some sort of commerce state verses love and connection, enjoyment and exploration of each other, I am bored with it. On top of that, I am a woman. And it has recently been discovered that women loose interest in sex quicker than men do because we get bored for the above reasons. That is why courting, romance, erotism, play and adventure is so valuable to women. Foreplay is supposed to be all of this. We do not get bored with our partner, but with the routine sexual experience.
- I do have a healthy sex drive. I do desire my partner all the time except for when I don’t…lol and guess what a human being with a healthy sex drive is classified as in our society? Having a high sex drive, and that is viewed as bad. Yet those who are in sexless marriages may wish for something else, and those who are single and hunting for a partner to be intimate with may desire a little more. Our society puts so much emphasis on being sexy, on being desirable, and yet when one has a healthy drive, their bodies, hormones and desire for their partner is strong they are presumed evil and dangerous. I did not always have a healthy sex drive. I went through years where sex was painful, I had constant vaginal yeast infections, UTI’s and even developed Crohn’s. I did not want sex. My desire was zero. I have spent the last 15+ years of my life learning that sex is healthy, that I can want it, enjoy it, enjoy myself and my partner and I can be playful doing so, and you know what? I can also have healthy boundaries in it and not have to say yes when I am a no. I once dropped a man I was dating because he put so much importance on daily sex and even multiple times a day that I felt unseen, unvalued and not heard. He wanted it because it made him feel safe, loved and he believed that in order to keep me that he needed to make sure that this happened all the time or I would stray ( yes he is the one who put a tracker on my car I spoke of above.) But nothing was further from the truth…
- Power and control. I love power, just like anyone, but in truth I do not want power over any man, especially over my man. If he allowed me to dominate him with our sex I would loose all respect for him. And when respect leaves the building so does desire and love.
- My moral compass was set in shame, guilt and responsibility for everyone ESPECIALLY my partner and how they were feeling and if I was constantly providing enough, being enough and “making them happy,”- so yeah I had a fucked up moral compass and it is one that seems to be a life long project of healing. I was okay with being the mistress because I was allowing myself to learn, it was educational and even though I felt bad about it on some days and still today have challenges around these choices of my past, I know that I am NOT solely responsible for these actions. It was a two way street and that part of self-forgiveness and learning to love and accept oneself is to let there be that two way street.
- I do follow the energy! I am a little country, a little hippie, a little city and whatever else you can find. I do practice and teach tantric truths but work on sharing its truth around coming into a state of self-awareness and love not what hot poses you see in some porn, or some concept about having more sex, more lovers is best. My energy following led me down this path of self discovery and into the arms of the man that I cannot see past, that I call home. Without me being active in the “following of the energy,” listening to my heart and always questioning my ego, thoughts, feelings and emotions as well as what I perceive as truth I imagine that I would still be back there in that same marriage with that same man I married on the rebound of a heartbreak. Shoot, I almost took my life way back there too in that situation, perhaps by now I would have, at very least I would not be where I am with who I am and I make no apologies for following the energy that brought me here, no matter the path it took to find my home.
Which brings me to the subject title of this musing.
CHEATERS CHEAT! OR DO THEY?
Yes, they cheat.
That’s why they are called cheaters.
And more men do so than women.
Less women get caught than men.
It’s been that way for all of time by the way.
And we humans are far more comfortable with male sexual discrepancies than we are with female. But that’s another topic for another musing.
All the reasons I shared are true.
They are the signs of the “cheating type.”
The serial cheater, for power and influence, the player, one who is bored or needing more, one who has lost interest in their mate for whatever reason and of course those who do not have good self-esteem.
However, over the course of my time working with couples I can tell you that the main reason for cheaters to cheat is that…
THEY HAVE NOT FOUND THEIR HOME IN THEIR CURRENT PARTNER.
That most likely is hard to swallow if you are the one who has been cheated on.
It might even be a struggle to absorb if you are the one cheating.
I tell you with all the love in my heart for your situation here however, that when a person cheats that they are not settled in the relationship. It does not matter how long you have been together, if you have kids or not, how much sex you are having or not, what you look like or what your goals are. None of it matters.
The only thing that matters is if you are truly that person’s home and they are yours.
Now, I know many people will say but he/she said they loved me more than anything, that I was their home, they could not see life without me. And that may have been true for where they were in that time and with how well they knew who they were. Life happens, and we all change and evolve. The majority of relationships are never meant to last and we try to force them to stay happy, healthy and stable long after their expiration date has passed. No longer do we live in a world where we live by the commitment to the vow either. Fifty years ago, people stayed in marriages that they were not happy and turned their eye when things happened because they were committed to the vow and to what others might think if they got divorced. Today, we want happiness, we want love and romance, we want emotional support, adventure, a best friend, someone to be our everything and when they are not ( because no one can ever be this) we say goodbye with greater ease because we know that we can find something else that will fill our voids quickly, even if only for a short time and it is the new norm of society. We are committed to finding perfection in one.
But much like a house, a home is not based on how perfect the house looks or is built. A home is based on what you put into it. How you spend your time in it. If you create a haven in your house, if you appreciate all that is gives you and you enjoy creating a better life within its walls with beautiful memories and time spent, then you will create your home.
This is the same for love and relationship.
It requires the work of communication, of learning each other daily, of not taking each other for granted, of wanting to build bridges instead of putting up walls.
And it requires two individuals wanting to grow together as well as heal themselves.
Cheating happens. It happens a lot in relationships and it has been so forever.
An affair does not mean the end of a relationship or that you cannot forgive and trust your partner. It just means that there is work to be done on each of you and on the coming together with integrity and compassion.
If you are with a cheater or were one and find yourself in a relationship that holds it above your head as though you cannot help who you are and that you will not be trusted but consistently reminded about the Scarlet “A” on your sleeve, then know this:
Only time, integrity, emotional maturity, self-love and fearless communication will ever help to create a steady relationship where trust can flourish.
However, trust will never be able to enter a closed door.
For more insights, support and coaching around this topic and other love and relationship focused ones please reach out to me today and inquire on how I can help you have the love life that you desire.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
-KW
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Photo Credits to Dandelion Images shot by Rebekah Lynn