I have never been in a relationship, short term or long where romance did not have to be something that was constantly being worked at. I hear all too often from people that I am coaching, “I hate having to plan it out. It just needs to be spontaneous.” This statement is often followed up with the concept that if you have chemistry, if you love each other that you don’t need to work at the romantic intricacies of the relationship. The belief that if you have to plan it out, talk about it and make it happen then it kills the passion, fun and adventure of it. Or that if you are having to create it that there must be something wrong in the relationship.

Women are always sharing with me how badly they want and need their partner to be like he used to be when they first got together. They tell me how sweet he was, touchy, connected, made them laugh, took them out on dates and looked for memory making events. They tell me how they need him to do the little romantic things, such as buying flowers for no reason, rubbing their feet or shoulders, making out with them with no need to take it any further than the hot moment of connecting like this. Men share with me how they are upset that she won’t dress up for him any longer, she comes home and puts on her mommy clothes and that’s it. She’s no longer playful, smiling and excited to see him at his return. She used to make breakfast in his t-shirt and panties — now she hands him coffee in her jammies and scrolls through social media.

A story I often share is about flowers. Anyone who knows me well, knows how much I adore fresh cut flowers in my home. I love them because they bring beauty to my space, they remind me of all the beauty in life. When my partner buys them for me they speak volumes to how much he loves me and wants to show me the beauty that I bring into his life and our home. As they wilt and need replaced, they become a reminder to me that life and our relationship too always needs freshened up and focused on. I am not big on Valentine’s Day flowers however, or flowers for my birthday (although I still adore receiving them on these dates), for me flowers mean more when there is no occasion because it’s similar to saying, “I love you, I want you to be happy, to remember me when we are apart.” Just like we do when we part ways for the day and we want to tell our mate these things with a kiss goodbye and a kiss hello. When we reserve such a gift of love and connection for only a few moments in the year, it’s the same as if we only told our partner that we loved them on these dates. That would be crazy and many of us understand that we need to share our love every day with our partner, if we are to stay in the relationship and not build distance and questioning.

I have been in all too many relationships sadly enough where this was not the case. My partner would actually refuse to buy me flowers or would just disregard the importance of such a small act of love and connection. One long term partner always told me, “ Why would I buy you flowers? They are cut and dying, that’s like saying our love is dying and I don’t want to say that, so I won’t buy flowers for you.” What he did not understand is that by not fulfilling this romantic need of mine that he was actually cutting the relationship off and saying that my wants/needs were silly and not important. He was telling me that I did not matter.

Another long term partner of mine only bought me flowers on my birthday. His reasoning was that we needed to conserve money and watch our budget. And another long term partner I believe just did not realize the importance of the flowers to me and did not think about it, so was oblivious to the need and want or the message that it was sending. In all three instances I ended up being bitter about flowers and just buying them for myself, however every time I would purchase flowers for myself it would make me slow down and feel sad about having to buy myself flowers. I just wanted to be loved and appreciated enough by my partner for them to realize and to change this one thing. I wanted to matter to them. Granted I knew that in their own ways they were trying to show me that I did matter, it did not change my feelings and needs. End result was that you could say that I now have a fear and wound around fresh flowers and the habit that was created of me buying my own flowers also supported the childhood program of, “You are not worthy of love. You need to earn it by being a certain way. You don’t matter. You’re too much. And if you need or want something, take care of it yourself. You can’t trust another to do anything for you.” Instilling in me a strong belief that I cannot be open to receiving or trusting. Which gets acted out, even today, in so many different ways, where I struggle every day to receive and ask for things. Which causes other irritants and issues within relationship.

Interestingly enough, all of these relationships bought me flowers when we were fresh in our relationship. The thing that happened and happens repeatedly in our relationships is that we simply stop doing all the things that we did on the front side of the relationship. We get caught up in the day to day, we dim down our communication to simplistic daily grind conversations believing that this is true communication. We move from limerence and working for the relationship to a comfort with our partner and a belief that we no longer have to work for the relationship. This is detrimental.

“The more committed we get, the longer the relationship carries on, the more familiarity we have means that we actually have to work harder at romance, adventure, showing our feelings and connecting — not less!”

It would seem that we would understand this fact of intimacy and relating. We all understand that we venture into romantic relationships with rose tinted glasses on, with a curiosity about our partner and a desire to dance in the mystery of this other soul, but then the honeymoon comes to an end about two-years down the path. Then we feel comfortable and familiar, we start to take things for granted. The mystery dwindles and we stop courting each other. The majority of relationships move into what is known as the roommate phase at this point. This is where we are good friends but we lose passion and spontaneity. Work, kids, stress and avoidance to connection happen. By the time two years passes, we have traveled some struggle and pain with our partner, we have created wounds and resentments and we hunger for understanding but we armor our hearts and close ourselves to our partners. We close to love. Which opens doorways to outside influences, such as other people who bring mystery, adventure, romance, laughter and intrigue.

All that commitment we have can easily be lost. Much like trust takes a long time to gain and only a moment to be lost, so can our commitment to our partner. You see, the reality of intimate romantic relationships is that the relationship is an entity of its own. There are always three souls interacting in any intimate relationship — You, your partner and the relationship itself.

When you stop being committed to the relationship by not tending to its needs and growth, you also lose the commitment to your partner.

“The needs that are not being cared for in our intimate relationships will empty us and we will search for them somewhere else. This is human nature.”

On the front side of any relationship we dedicate our heart, energy, time, finances, and inquiry to it. We plan, we plan a ton. We spend hours daydreaming, creating and getting excited about the relationship and this other person. We take nothing for granted, instead we do all of this in hope that this other person will be attracted to us. We let delicate aspects of ourselves out. We reveal the lighter side of who we are. We do our best and present it. Why? Because we are working for the relationship. And we create all the moments and memories from this place of enthusiasm and desire to gain connection.

The answer to any relationship that is facing challenges from the roommate phase and beyond, is to come back to romance. Reawaken those “best qualities” and realize that just because you have been doing life with this other person for however long you have been doing it, and sure, they feel oh, so familiar and like you know them inside out, you don’t! That person you call your significant other is a stranger to you still. You have no idea what is going on in their mind or heart. There is no way that you know because you have allowed for disconnect to happen, authentic communication is not happening — it is either unproductive fighting or avoidance and shut down. This means that you do not know your partner nor them, you. And you have forgotten about the value of courting.

  • So buy her flowers anyway…
  • Create a date night picnic just because…
  • Dress up and flirt with each other just for the heck of it…
  • Buy him that special little gift that says I love you, because you thought of him when you saw it…
  • Cook dinner in your panties…
  • Dance by the fire naked…
  • Come home early and have sex like you just started dating…
  • Snog with more intent than two sixteen-year-olds because it’s fun…
  • Surprise your partner with a last minute get away…
  • Write that I love You note and put it in their work lunch because you want them to know you are missing them…
  • Send them that sexy pic midday at work because it’s playful…
  • Gaze into their eyes like it’s the last moment you have with them because it might just be…
  • Ask them about their goals, dreams and desires because you care…
  • Share your fears and hopes because it scares you and you want them to love you anyway…
  • Be goofy with each other and laugh till your tummy hurts because it’s connective…
  • Push your sweetie up against a wall and kiss them passionately because it’s hot…
  • Plan a massage date and lather your love up with oil, massage them till something else manifests because you want to make them feel good…
  • Make love at least twice a week even if you are tired and not feeling like it…

I promise you that if you do these things shared here, your relationship will get a breath of life. You will start to open again to each other and find the love that you thought was getting lost. The chemistry that dwindled will come back. The bond that you committed to will form again.

But you must commit to doing the work and planning. You must have the courage and will power to push past the awkwardness and irritation of having to do this. You must recommit to the love that you want and the “entity of us.” Otherwise, get ready for being average and ordinary which translates to unhappy, unsatisfied and most likely separated. Destined to just repeat with another.

As always loving you from here.

Stop Existing & Start Living

  • Rene’ Schooler (KW)
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Kendal Williams