What to Do When He Pulls Away?
Pulling away is a form of rejection and our brain may treat rejection of any sort as a physical pain.
One of the hardest things that I have ever had to personally deal with is the pull away from someone that I loved. Truly it does not matter what the relationship is.
I have experienced this heartache in multiple situations from a man that I was in love with breaking my heart out of nowhere to my child refusing to speak to me for months on end. The pain experienced no matter the situation was almost unbearable, and I questioned my reality.
Today however, I want to discuss the direct and yet complex topic of when a man pulls away from his woman and what to do about it or how to handle it. The thing I would like to share here is that even in my extremely committed domestic union I still feel a pull away from my man every now and then and it disrupts the force you could say. But why is that?
Why does this pull away get to us so much? And why does he pull away?
To start, pull away is a form of rejection and our brains treat rejection of any sort as a physical pain.
Recently I was speaking with a few clients on this subject and all of them were sharing about how they could not sleep, they felt more anxious, unbalanced and even had physical pain in their bodies from their partner either denying them in some way or actually pulling away by saying they needed space or no longer wanted the relationship. Now the latter is understandable for sure. When our partner suddenly or not so suddenly even says that they no longer want to be with us then it is very understandable as to where the physical pain is coming from. We have all experienced this heartache that can cause our entire beings to feel sick. But what about the everyday rejection or the requesting for more space?
Often, we are not as aware of the physical feelings that come up around these things. We ignore them and make excuses however that tightness that you feel in your chest, head or gut. The sudden flush of heat that rushes through your body… these are all physical signs that your brain is linking the rejection to physical pain and from there we lean into old programs that set off a ripple effect of thought and emotional patterning. Which tends to make us reactive.
Before I share with you exactly how to soothe this ripple, I want to address a few main reasons as to why men pull away to begin with, granted there are a host of different reasons, and every man is unique in himself there are just a few primary one that I feel will help you to see perhaps the why so that you can breathe and gain your composure when in these situations.
10 Primary Reasons Men Pull Away
1) Abandonment issues from past relationships or childhood
2) Sense of bondage if he is feeling overly controlled in some fashion.
3) Dislike for melodrama which he might perceive with a woman’s emotional breakdowns or ways, explosive arguments, chaos or anything that a man views as unneeded drama.
4) history of disappointment and not wanting to go through the pain of it again
5) the realization that his expectations of the relationship are unrealistic, and he is not good with that
6) difference in outlook on life and goals
7) lack of compatibility
8) communication gap
9) emotional disconnect
10) dwindling spark
Now there are secondary issues and although these primary ones here can play a role in the committed relationship/marriage often you will find that with the everyday scenario of minor pull aways that occur in all of our relationship, often men will pull away when:
- They are stressed with work, family or money
- Feeling underappreciated or respected
- Are not trusting their partner for some reason (this can be because of emotional imbalances or drama often.)
Now if your relationship has been struggling and you know that things could be better or there has been a massive issue that has come up lately such as cheating, job loss, compatibility issues, tons of drama, control issues or anything else that can lead to massive relationship issues then you must realize that there is no such thing as a magic pill. Your relationship did not get here overnight, even if it feels like it did and it certainly will take more than a simple “I am sorry, I want to work things out” to fix it as well. However, now that you are aware of the crisis at hand it is necessary for you to deal with it to save yourself any further pain and anguish.
One of the biggest challenges that I have witnessed over my many years of practice is that when people pull away their mate has a desire to beg, plead and even promise or try to do anything to get them back. Asking for closure, that last meeting where they are hopeful, they can somehow, someway win their lover back by explaining themselves and their hearts.
And sometimes this works.
Only to repeat itself down the road a few months or years later, where the cycle reveals itself and all the buried fear and pain with it. The issue with begging and attempting to manipulate our partner to come back after a serious pull away is that first we are often not speaking from a place of honesty or integrity but instead fear of abandonment which is why we try to coerce our partner into changing their mind with our hopeful promises of change and understanding or our tender words of deep love. The next thing is that in this pursuit to change their minds we give ourselves up. We lose our self-worth and respect in a desperate attempt to get them back. Which is disempowering and in the long run does not make us desirable to our mate. So what are we to do? How are we to cope in this stressful situation of having the one we love so much ghost us, ask for space, say it’s not working or just go cold emotionally/physically?
5 Things to Help You Cope When Your Man Pulls Away
1. Stop Being Obsessed
I get it, at the very thought that your man is pulling away after getting close you most likely feel frustration, fear and hurt. This is a reactive primitive state of our minds where we allow our emotions to dominate and control us. It is overwhelming and depleting to say the least. However, continuously worrying about what might happen next may add to your worries and increase your stress levels. This keeps us in a state of hyperactive emotion, and we are not being consciously aware as to what is best for ourselves or how to best navigate.
Instead try focusing on things that you enjoy doing. Use this time to allow yourself to feel your feelings but in the pursuit of healing and coming home to yourself versus a need or attempt to get your man back. This is a great time to lean on supportive relationships, take a road trip or vacation, pamper yourself or get busy with a favorite hobby or activity. These things may seem like they are not anything that you are wanting to do as your mind constantly wanders back in worry about what the future holds, what he is doing and problem solving your way back into his arms, they can help you let go obsessive thoughts and not only soothe you from within but also bring out the best in you. Plus, anytime we become obsessive we may find ourselves doing and saying things that we will regret down the road or make us look all the more undesirable.
2. Let Yourself Feel It & Let It Out
Being pulled away from, ghosted or broken up with will certainly have us wallowing in our pain body for a moment. And depending on the length of the relationship and depth it can sometimes take us a long moment to fully process and heal. One of the best healing practices that we can do for ourselves is to feel our pain, anger and disappointment. These emotions are here with you for a reason. However, just feeling them and getting trapped in those feelings is not good enough, you must allow yourself to get it off your chest. That means sharing with a trusted friend or coach/therapist. Talking to people with similar experiences may help you release everything that is pent up in your emotional dam. Next, get your physical body moving. Anything that moves your upper body is extra positive. We tend to become rigid in our movements when we are going through pain and we want to not move, this just harbors the emotion into the body where it becomes emotional armor and prevents us from living our best life. So go ax throwing, take up a kickboxing class, play some soft ball or go to a smash house and break some things.
Initially these things may make you uncomfortable, but it could instill in you the feeling that you are strong and will make it through this. As you let out the negativity, you will be able to get over lingering thoughts of insecurity and better cope with your situation.
3. Nurture Compassion
When we are pulled away from our insecurities tend to cloud our minds and judgment. We get overtaken by strong emotion that may even make us react in ways that we would not typically. If you are feeling like you want to go into attack mode with your man and feel like your gut is telling you that something else is going on, take a breath and try to come back into compassion so that you don’t derail the chances of working things out. Before making accusations use the relationship rule of compassionate communication where you aim to inquire in love and understanding instead of fear. As shared above, sometimes men pull away because of other stressors in life such as work, money or family stuff. Try to see it from his perspective and maybe you will discover that he has just been preoccupied with other important things in life and is unable to balance all ends and/or not great at communicating where he is at.
By trying to process your feelings and emotions in a way that at least gives him the benefit of the doubt, you show your emotional maturity and create a space for the relationship to come back into a healthy state.
4. Sever Contact
Last thing you most likely want to do however it is one of the most powerful tools that you can use. If your man has ghosted, you or pulled away and made it clear in whatever fashion that he is wanting separation or tons of space then you may want to consider this tactic. It will give you plenty of time to assess yourself, the relationship, and most importantly, him. Contemplate how it all started, his approach towards you, and how you feel. Look at everything that leads up to the pull away. Are you overly self-blaming? Were you altering yourself in the relationship to be what you thought he wanted?
Severing contact means to not look at his social media, not to go through pictures and attach to memories and feelings, and it certainly means to give space from all communication. The best part of this is that once you really let yourself dissect the relationship and who you were becoming in it as well as if he was as aligned to you as much as you believed he was or not, that you will be able to develop the strength to embrace any outcome. Next, if he is still interested in you, he will sense the void. It may just create the pull away that instills the hunt from him, and it will not take him long to come looking.
5. Seek Support
Often in these heartbreaking situations we find ourselves unable to cope with all the negative and painful emotions that rise up. These conflicting emotions can make us feel trapped and uncertain, if this is where you have found yourself then its wisest to reach out to a relationship expert for support and insight.
The reason I have chosen to write and share this today is because of three clients of mine who are going through this very emotional space of having their boyfriend/fiancé pull away and even ghost them. Their painful stories made me want to share some basic coping skills to help you with your pain as well. The relationship expert of your choice may not be able to make clear as to the “why” he pulled away, but he/she will be able to witness you and hold space, give wisdom and compassion. And often, you will discover your role in the pull away based on relationship habits, previous trauma and programs as well as insight as to why you are attracted to the man who may just be non-committal. All of these things will be foundational to your healing and confidence in self and to move forward.
Remember, you are worthy of love, desire and respect. If this relationship was not aligned to who you really are, then it may be painful in the moment, but your true soulmate is somewhere close by waiting for you to call him in.
Loving you from here as always.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
- Rene’ Schooler
*Interested in gaining support in your breakup or pull away? Reach out to me today.