WHY YOU ALWAYS DATE THE SAME TYPE OF PERSON.
Part of the reason that you are not too damn excited about that new person is because you are waiting for them to show themselves to be the same as the last one, or five or dozen.
It’s difficult to open your heart up to someone when you are pretty certain in the results that you are going to get.
And let’s just admit right here that we are all guilty of this.
Tim walked into my office one Spring day, flopped down on my couch and looked at me with disgust. I handed him a water bottle and said, “That good huh?”
“Fuck! It never ends. Remember the chick I told you about? She was so perfect, my dream girl, and it’s been what… three months of us dating. We were starting to really click like solid, rock solid. Spending more nights together, planning a trip for summer to go to Europe. It seemed like our goals were aligned, everything… everything I wanted for…”
Dropping his head with a sad look in his eyes.
Tim sat there looking at the carpet.
“So what happened?” I asked.
“She cheated on me. This entire time she has been seeing another dude. She was trying to figure out who she liked better, she said and well it was not me. How could she lead me on like that? She said that she could see a future with kids, buying a house, everything. And then this shit! I don’t trust women anymore at all. How can I?”
This was Tim’s tale.
It was his fourth time playing out this saga.
Same story, different leading woman.
It all started with his ex-wife who cheated on him and then from there all he ever found himself were other versions of her.
Why is this fact just that?
That we tend to get stuck in a “type” that we are attracted to even though this “type” is not healthy for us, or supportive or even what we are wanting in the big picture.
Recently, I had another male client of mine say something on the lines of,
“She is so low maintenance. And when we are together we mesh well, we have fun and get along wonderfully. I just can’t handle her emotional insecurity and storytelling.”
My response. “Define low maintenance.”
Why does the woman who was physically abused keep finding herself with abusive men, either physically or emotionally?
Why do the people who really want honesty and integrity keep finding themselves with cheaters, manipulative, passive aggressive people?
Why does the person who wants to give everything they can to a partner, who is supportive, connective, loving find themselves with the stonewalling, narcissist who chooses everything and everyone else but them?
These questions and more are all answered with a simple little truth that YOU CAN EDIT in your reality right now with just a little work, effort and commitment to yourself and to having the love that you want.
That truth is “your comfort in what is familiar.”
Our brains are hardwired to point us toward what is familiar and therefore comfortable, even when it is not in our best interest. For example, if you raise a child on fast food and then all of a sudden try to introduce broccoli, fresh cut fruit, avocados, spinach, healthy real whole foods, that child will deny them. They won’t even want to try the food. You can try and reason with them all day long about their health and needs, they don’t care. That child could be suffering from a disease because of the diet that they had been raised on and in order to live and heal they need to change. It does not matter. They will want what is familiar.
It’s the same for the child who grows up in a bad part of town with crime happening all around them. We look at our society and wonder why don’t more people want to break free from these environments? They see their family and friends suffering and/or dying even, why would they want to stay?
There is safety in familiarity.
And we look for the common ground of what is familiar.
You have most likely been on a date with someone or even in a relationship where you found yourself saying from the first moments, “We just clicked. Something so familiar about them. It’s like we have known each other forever and he/she just gets me.” As breathtaking and brilliant as this experience can be, the unfortunate reality is that 80% of the time it’s not some spiritual through time and space magical coming together of twin flames happening or something. And I write a slew on finding your soulmate, “the one” and what twin flames are. I am a big-time advocate of soul bonded love that carries through time.
If you are meeting a person in this lifetime, it’s pretty simple…
No matter how long you know this person, you were meant to meet. There is a reason, a purpose. But it may not be a life story together or love story even, let alone the combination of the two. Chances are, you are experiencing a meeting with familiarity in what you have been raised to find comfort in.
There are two relationships in our lives that mirror each other greatly and our growth and understanding in the self and in developing true love for each other and having an empowered life story that is also a love story with another comes from the recognition and healing of these relationships and how they mirror one another.
The relationship with our parents and our mates.
Look at how your parents loved you and you will be able to see how you allow yourself to be loved by your mate. You will be able to see the familiarity that brings you so much comfort in what this other person is doing or showing up as in comparison to how your parents loved and treated you.
This is exactly WHY you keep finding yourself with the same person, different face.
Why does each person you date do the same things?
Act in a similar way.
After a bit all of a sudden, they retract, they start to belittle you, ignore you, stonewall, lie, go crazy or so it seems.
Here is the thing, many people may read this and say, “Well fuck alright. How am I to overcome that? It’s all my parent’s fault, they programmed me like this when I was a little kid and now this is what I got and get. Thanks mom and dad.”
YOU’RE NOT A CHILD ANY LONGER.
And chances are the programs your parents gave you were not intentional.
They most likely wanted the best for you even in many cases, they just did not understand the psychology behind their actions.
First step is to STOP being in a victim consciousness about life in general and especially about pushing off the blame to your parents or your ex’s for supporting the programs. Instead look at what you have known and felt comfort in as the perfect grounds to show you exactly what you need to turn toward and commit to have in your life.
Next you have got to commit to change what you are looking for confirmation bias about.
If you don’t believe that you are worth love without earning it for example, then you will consistently look for a partner that supports this belief. You will forever find yourself feeling like you can never do enough, show enough, support enough or get it right enough to be “worthy” of being loved. A baby does not question if they are lovable. They just are and so are you. Love is not something to earn.
Our dating world makes it seem differently though.
We sit down with our resumes and lists of wants and don’t wants.
We analyze and we say to this potential mate, “You need to prove you are worthy.”
No, they don’t need to prove it and nor do you.
You are both worthy.
What you need to figure out is are you compatible, aligned and will you help one another become the best versions of yourself while creating a life story together and can you love one another just as you are?
Or…
Are you sidetracked by the face, the body, the sex?
Are you blinded by this feeling of something familiar?
Get in there.
There being your head.
And do the inquiry work about “why?”
Why do you feel this way?
What are the consistent patterns in your life?
Take it all the way back, look at even the way this person speaks to you, how they answer you, look at you, touch you.
We humans want familiarity.
That’s why we take those little tests on dating sites and apps to see how much we have in common.
That’s why we put together a profile.
But if you want to find your soulmate, “the one” and stop attracting all the same crazy that you are so comfortable with, then you are going to have to eat your broccoli…lol
YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE WHAT IS FAMILIAR UNFAMILIAR AND WHAT IS UNFAMILIAR FAMILIAR.
This is what I work with people on every day, helping them become the match to their soulmate that they desire at their core level. I help them unpack the versions of self that no longer suit them, create a new paradigm where they can be exactly who they really are and manifest “the one.” If you have the time to play the field of crazy, same old same old, then you have the time and energy for that matter to dedicate to upleveling your playing field.
Reach out today to learn the skills and steps on just how.
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living