👊💥👉NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR “ACTIVE DESIRES” OR AFTERCARE! NOR SHOULD THEY…🤯💥👊
Earlier in the week I wrote on leveling up your relationship by going monogamous, or why some people feel it is just this and I shared some commentary from an individual about her feelings on having her poly-based partner make this change. I also said there was a ton to her statement and I would need to write more on it.
👉THIS IS THE FOLLOW-UP.👈
First let’s refresh her words for you.
“Can anyone relate? Several love connections have recently decided to monogamously close their new relationships
We’ve stayed in touch, but there’s been no acknowledgment or curiosity of how this transition may affect the feelings of someone who still has active desires. While I believe everyone has the absolute freedom to decide what relationship structure they desire at the moment, I’m having emotions around the lack of attunement or transitional “aftercare”. 😔”
🔥🔥🔥WHAT ABOUT MY ACTIVE DESIRES?🔥🔥🔥
Why don’t you care about my desire?
Why do you pull away and not offer me an opportunity to fight for what I want in the outcome?
I still want this relationship/sex/friendship, etc?
(Insert three-year old tantrum here)😡😢😭😤
Okay folks, I am going to be brutally honest, real and raw here with my perspective on this. You may not enjoy what follows, just sayin’.
It does not matter the relationship, you could be monogamous and dating or even married.
You could be poly or open relationship like the woman above and have your partner(s) move in a different direction.
You could just be friends with someone and have the relationship change/alter/end.
No matter the relationship, when one person says, “I am done moving in this direction like this and I am instead going to go this direction.” What they are saying is that they are 👉TAKING CARE OF THEMSELVES.👈
How self-centered and emotionally immature are you in this moment to say: (things I have been told in break ups, change ups, transition or heard from people I have coached)
😭How can you leave me now? It’s the eleventh hour and I really need you.
😭I don’t feel like you really care, you don’t even inquire about…
😭I have feelings too!
😭I don’t know what your boundaries are, they are always changing.
😭You tell me when we can go back to the way things were.
😭I think you are shrinking your world and will regret it.
😭But, but… I thought you needed me.
😭WHAT ABOUT ME???
What about you?🤨
This is a decision for me. It’s about me. My happiness. My peace of mind. My sanity. My life direction. My MF desire.
I am taking care of ME and you should follow my lead and take care of YOU.
All the above statements are based in a victim consciousness, the wounded, abandoned, fear driven inner child, NOT a mature emotional/mental or physical consciousness from a grown a*s adult who knows that they need to take care of themselves.
The worst thing that someone can do that is making a shift in any relationship and creating separation, space, etc is to come back in and comfort the one they are making relationship changes with.
This concept of “aftercare” from the person who is wanting separation and space from the other person will not do anything but cause more harm to both parties.
YOU HAVE STOP BEING SOMEONE’S CRACK HIT!🤯😳
It is first putting the person asking for space in a position of power over the others feelings as well as making them a victim to the other person, because now they have to manage their feelings all the more and THIS may be exactly why they were wanting out to begin with. Perhaps the one being “broken up” with, gave too much power to the other over their emotional state????
So why would it be healthy for aftercare here?
It’s not healthy!!!👈
NO ONE WINS.
Often, in a relationship we lose ourselves in another person.
We without realizing it develop a “need” for this other human being that is a form of co-dependency that is unhealthy, because without their active participation in our lives THE WAY WE WANT we no longer know who we are, what our direction is, nor have happiness.
There is healthy grieving that needs to happen in any transition of a relationship.
And if we desire to have our needs and wants met ever in a relationship then we must own responsibility for our own inner well-being and state of feeling. This is the ONLY way that we can relate long term with another person and experience stability and trust.
👉Over and over again I have heard how the one who is being “forced”😤 into this transition feels like the other does not care.
🤦♀️They want to fight for the relationship.
🤦♀️They want to convince the other that they can get it right.
🤦♀️They want to change the mind and feelings of the other.
🤦♀️They just want it to go back to the way it was and are often willing to play the waiting game to make it happen.
👉And it’s all a self-centered ploy to “feel” loveable, wanted, needed. 👈
If one really wanted the best for someone, really loved and cared for a friend/partner/lover they would suck it up and take care of themselves without demand from the one who is wanting changes.
They would understand that if things were so great before, that changes would not be happening, so it’s crazy to “think” things will EVER go back to what they were.
In their attempts to convince, fight for the relationship, question the needs and desires of the other they only push the other away all the more.
An ex of mine used to say, ” A reason, a season or a lifetime. You won’t know what it is till you get there.”
How true this statement is and most relationships are for a reason or a season. We can want for the lifetime, but we lose the beauty of the moment, memories, experiences and lessons if we run around focused on the lifetime to the point of squishing our “active desire” on another person.
👊👊The thing about “active desire” is that it can imprison you into a state of need. 😳🤯
Desire is a beautiful thing.
Desire is healthy!
You were born to live a life of desire.
With that said, desire moves you into suffering. And it is supposed to be that way…( yeah, it is.)
Life is about your suffering.
It is about how YOU choose to handle your suffering.
The lessons and healing that you gain from your suffering.
Just because you have an “active desire” DOES NOT mean that anyone owes you anything, nor that you need to put your demands on anyone to meet your desire.
THAT is immature.
That is unhealthy.
That is being a victim to life.
To have an active desire to maintain a relationship in the same fashion that it has been in and say, ” But, but… I don’t want this transition/change/etc. you need to care about my feelings here too.”
Is saying, ” I put you in charge of my happiness. I put myself in front of you for you. You are being selfish by caring about you and making a move for you.”
I am always reminded that the most self-centered souls are the one’s pointing fingers of selfishness and self-centeredness at those who are not giving them what they want, how they want it and putting the world in charge of their happiness.
I get it!
I have had my heart broken.
I have thought things were going one way and were good ONLY to find out that the other person did not feel the same.
I have cried for months and shut my heart down for years from deep love because of it.
I have sworn off allowing myself ever to care at that level before.
And I stand here today, deeper in love and commitment than I have ever experienced and in full gratitude for all the loss, heartache and suffering of my past because it was not aligned to my soul the way I wanted, and at my core I KNEW IT!!!
So when, someone says to you,
” I need to make this change.”
Say THANK YOU to them for taking care of them and you in the long run. Because that is what they are doing.
They are acting from a long term place of love for both of you and leaning into the reality that you are no longer aligned.
Your relationship has served its contract, its purpose and they recognize it.
Let yourself be set free.
You deserve to have relationships of all labels that are SOUL ALIGNED.
As Always,
Loving you on your journey from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Helping dynamite powerful souls like yourself discover love and fulfilment is what my passion is. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of women & men such as yourself to call in their soulmate by aligning to their truth. I have guided countless couples not to just rekindle a love that they thought was lost, but to create an empowered turned on and fully aligned partnership based in love with 8 simple steps. If you are a woman or man who is looking for happiness, love and abundance in life and is sick and tired of just getting by, reach out to me for a FREE Clarity Call today where we will define exactly what is holding you back, what you are wanting to call in and the next best steps to achieve your desired life. Message me to set up your FREE Clarity Call today.