Monica was a woman that most would envy. She was physically very beautiful by many people’s definition, she was independent, had done well for herself. She worked hard, seemed to have the respect of her peers and always sported a stunning smile. No matter what was happening in her life, no one would ever know it because Monica was always a radiant light with tons of energy to give and she loved helping others. She was a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend and she seemed to have it all in order. However, as the saying goes, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Monica, as intelligent and radiant as she was, was a woman with a shattered soul, a broken heart and found herself facing her inner demons on a daily basis. Today was no different than any other except today Monica sat on my couch revealing exactly what her inner world haunted her with. There she sat, eyes watering, twisting her hands in nervousness, tapping her foot and catching herself to breathe. She was well practiced in turning inward and locating that place of stillness, she had learned it many years ago as a child and she went there often in her adult life so that she could appear to be the rock that she perceived she needed to be for everyone in her life and world. But today, today that rock was breaking, and she wanted to share her pain.
“Kendal, have you ever pondered your own death?” she started the conversation off with a glance in my direction before looking down at her hands and sighing.
“ The reason I ask is because I do. Frequently. Actually daily. I get lost in the ideas of how freeing it must be to just let go of this world. To let go of all of the pain. To know that you can’t hurt anyone anymore and you cannot be hurt any longer either. Ya know?”
She went on with tears forming in her brilliant green eyes, “It’s like every morning I find myself asking, why am I still here? I look around and all that I see is a wreck of a life. I see all that I could have done, could have become, and I am met by this stranger in the mirror shortly thereafter who is empty and lost. This monster who has stolen everything from me. And then I realize that this monster is me. I am scared. I am tired and my body hurts some days more than my heart. I realize that there is no amount of love or attention that can patch these holes or get me to see differently, the very thought of someone even caring seems like a joke to me. I am a smart woman, well-educated and logical. I can see that I am writing this piss poor story and that I am being a victim to life. I get it. However, it seems that every time I focus on living from my heart, from the space of believing that I can make the changes I need to make for me and my family, something comes along not moments later and causes chaos. Knocks me off my horse and just proves that there is little to no reason to even try. That I am not strong enough to make the last change, to prove myself to anyone. Least of all myself that I am worthy of living. Worthy of love. All I see is this wounded, disgusting victim who is best off if not dead just making peace wherever she can and ignoring everything else.”
All I could say to Monica is, “Wow! I relate to everything you just shared. Thank you for your truth and vulnerability. It takes a massive amount of courage to not only see all of that inside of the self but to allow yourself to express and feel it. I have been in your shoes a few times over. I have wanted to pull the plug on this thing called life and not believed that I was of any value anymore. I have felt this level of lostness and been prey to the nasty cycle that you describe here of wanting for more, finding a taste of hope and only to have it ripped out from your fingers. Plummeting you down deeper into the well of nothing. You are not alone Monica. Your fear, pain, suffering and all your beautiful emotions are all normal.”
The reality is that life is mostly about suffering until we release ourselves from the bondage and chains of our ego. You could say that we have this parasite attached to us. It is a shadow, a ghost in the darkness that we are not frequently aware of, it makes us believe that it is us. That its attitudes, fears, anger, hatred and jealousy are just who we are. It has us believing with ease that its voice screaming at us in our head is our truth and that we should listen to it at all cost. It points out everything that we fear. And it is great at shining a bright spotlight on everything that we do wrong in its eyes. The ego serves a purpose, a purpose to protect us, to give us a space to go to when we do need to go into war and fight for ourselves, however just like the untamed hungry stray dog, it must be chained or kenneled and fed a strict diet. It must learn its place and the rules. No matter how much it barks, wines or growls, we cannot let it become our master, instead we must recognize it for what it is and make it our servant as it was originally designed.
To protect.
The sad reality is that in today’s world we have lost the old teachings of this protector.
We have cast aside the ideas and use its name light heartedly.
We disregard its image in our daily life and we allow the illusion of what we have been taught to believe is us to stand firm without question.
Giving our egos the keys to our kingdom.
And making us servants.
Monica, like so many of us, found herself lost in the shadows of illusion cast by her ego.
Believing that the pain that she felt was hers to bear without question. She freely shackled herself because she wanted to do what she perceived and was taught was right. She wanted to be a “good person.”
Responsible.
Caring.
Compassionate.
Trustworthy.
Honest.
Giving.
Kind.
She valued these things and she held herself accountable to them.
The pressure this unrealistic perspective of perfection had put on Monica, however, was taking its toll and her body was screaming at her.
The body is an amazing place.
It speaks only truth to us and keeps records at a cellular level of all of our life.
It calls out to us, if we will only listen, trying to guide us back home to our truth, our soul and heart and what is in alignment. It whispers and points us in the direction that we need to go, constantly alerting us to the times that we have allowed ourselves to fall into a slumber of ignorance and belief that the ego is us.
The body keeps score.
And Monica’s body had set up a whole boycott rally all for her well-being project that she was not even aware of.
She just assumed that the migraines were caused from allergies, medicines, and lack of sleep.
She thought that stress was the only contributing factor to her restless nights, her inability to sit still in her own mind. She believed that if she just worked a tad bit harder, did just a little bit more at work, in her marriage or made sure that her children were just a little more cared for that the stress would subside and with it the headaches.
The left side of her body was falling apart, her joints were weakening, her limbs ached no matter the healthy foods she ate, the supplements she took, the yoga she did. Nothing seemed to help. The pain just worsened as the weeks went on.
She found herself in pain during sex. Intercourse hurt from penetration forward and often even foreplay did not feel anything more than stinging. As much as she loved her husband and wanted to be with him, it was hurting her and the last thing she would ever admit to was just this. What sort of wife would she be to take this one pleasure away from him.
Fearful of orgasming, as it had become a normal event that when she did allow herself this pleasure that her head would feel this exploding pressure and pain. She would find herself not wanting to move from the pain and could not open her eyes as the slightest light felt light a knife was being driven into her skull.
Her blood pressure was high despite the fact that she was in good shape and health.
She suffered from anxiety on a daily basis and her body ached like she imagined a ninety-year old’s must with bad arthritis.
Her hormones were off and even though she was but thirty-seven, she wondered if she might be going through early menopause.
All of this only supported Monica’s trials and fascination with death.
As she shared more and more layers of her being with me, every now and then she would look up and smile, as to say…” Don’t worry about me, I will be okay. Believe me. See I am smiling.”
But that is not how these things go.
The body will not let go with a simple fake smile of all that it is holding onto.
Just like no matter how much we forgive and try and forget or move past, the memories of our past are an eternal trigger until we learn what we need from them and truly forgive ourselves for allowing the suffering in our lives.
Monica was here on my couch this very day because she knew that she was at the end of her ability to move on without a supportive hand. Without the resources that could take what she had become so familiar with and make it unfamiliar. She was a highly intelligent woman, and she loved her family fully. Although she sat here contemplating death, I knew that the fact that she was vocalizing this to me was her reaching out and saying, “Show me there is hope.
“Tell me that I am worthy of love. Worthy to keep living, that I am not a burden.:
Granted no one can make us believe these things.
These all come from deep inside our being.
We have to hunt for these treasures, and we must face the valley of the shadow of evil.
The valley of the ego.
The very land that will tell us that there is no reason to continue, and we must laugh in its face and know that we are comforted if we lean heavy into our truth and call out the ego for what it is, a stray wild dog, hungry and thirsty, snapping our ankles because it has nothing else.
But we can stand tall and drink the water of this life by just seeing our radiance.
Seeing that our humanness is what makes us so special.
So great.
It is by giving ourselves grace and compassion that we let go of the shackles.
It is by stepping in faith that God does not create unworthy things that we unlock our highest life potential.
And by just surrendering to the possibility that what we have believed is our truth is actually a fable. Created by the greatest storyteller ever known.
The ego.
Here, here is where we get to witness ourselves.
And we get to wash ourselves clean.
So many people today are suffering, looking for just a string of hope. Fearful of tomorrow, caught in yesterday. Although we may not all put on makeup to cover these truths up, we still all somehow find a way to hide behind a mask, seen as a smile, seen as a resting b*tch face, seen as aloofness, or perhaps just humor. No matter the mask, you know who you are, and if you look within you may meet the wild dog that you believe is you, that you try and tame through constant feeding it your fears of tomorrow, but I tell you this my sweet friend, you will never overcome this monster until you are willing to see it for the entity that it is, and that it is not you.
And when you choose to do just this…
It will not have power over you unless you allow for its lullabies to lure you once again into its fictional tale of your life.
You have the power.
You are the master.
This is the truth.
As Always.
Stop Existing & Start Living
Kendal Rene’
The body does keep score. Science is constantly revealing the emotional-physical links to disease and other body ailments. We have been taught to ignore our bodies, to disregard these vital life-giving messages and just accept our physical pain and suffering as normal. However, this is not true. You can live a life of vitality, feel years younger and be able to process trauma, stress, anxiety and other conditions with ease and without having to replay the records that anchor in these disease-causing issues. Explore my Canvas, Core, Integrate 10 Series NOW to experience a truly aligned you. Ready to conquer the next year with passion, stamina and joy.