They view the world completely differently than we women do and they emotionalize their worlds even more differently.
Most men appear to not want to show too much emotion or claim they just don’t have any real “feelings” about something. While others may be very emotional creatures, making us women believe that they are sensitive in nature and understand the emotional front of life and relationship, however when we get involved with such men we find that these sensitive men are often overly reactive, not as deep as we had thought or hoped for and have not done the internal work required to heal their inner child wounding or their mother wounds putting us as their wife or girlfriend into a parenting role instead of the romantic partner role that we desire and leading only to a lack of respect, desire and trust for our guy.
Now if your guy is the later of these two, he will want to talk, he will demand for emotional attention and support and he may even play the sympathy card with you all too often, however if your man is the other, then it is important to try to understand that in his simplicity and lack of emotions, he more than likely just never learned how to harmonize his emotional needs and self with the persona that he grew up learning that he needed to uphold to be what he is – a man.
Next, you have to understand that men in general are not all touchy, feely, overly talkative about deep sensitive matters. They just are not programmed like this. This approach to love, appreciation and acceptance is a female approach and therefore the things we women need to feel loved and seen are drastically different than what our men need.
Over the course of almost two-decades of working with couples and men alike, and a lifetime of loving and being in relationship with men, I can share with you that men are linear, logical creatures who adore action taking.
For a man when he is dealing with something, anything for the matter, but even in the world of the heart, sex and relationship they compartmentalize things.
They only focus and deal with one thing at a time.
Think of your man’s mind and emotional space like an office filing cabinet. When they are with you they pull open the wifey drawer, then they open the honey do list file or the sex file or the help with the kids file. In this file they have just what they need to focus on, it’s like a consistent to-do list that they can access and check boxes in. They deal with the paperwork in this file and just this paperwork. Not the honey do list file and what’s happening at the neighbors file or your sister’s file.
Men do not make some emotional connection between the files.
They have zero need to mix up all these files and “feel” into them or take some global look at how these things are interlinked. Men look at what is right before them, look for a solution or how to fix it if it is needed and then take the action steps to accomplish what they feel needs to happen. When they are done with that, they put the file back and close the drawer.
It’s vitally important for us women to understand that men really do have a built-in meditation space inside their own being, a place they want to go, need to go and prefer to go where there is nothing.
I call it their nothing box.
It’s where they can just decompress and let life drift by.
Where we women are always watching, seeing and feeling into life and our partners, men can just let it all go. You see this when men are fishing, gaming, watching TV but not really present with what they are watching.
Women get frustrated with men when we see them in this space, feeling like they are being lazy, distant, upset even but in truth they are just in their nothing box getting mental emotional rehab time.
So why is this important to understand you may wonder, outside of the fact that it is the polar opposite of how you as a woman most likely function. You see it’s important because men do not want to be interrogated about how they feel or what makes them feel loved or seen.
They don’t want to answer questions.
Men want to see that you love, appreciate, respect and accept them instead. Remember I said men are action oriented and if you want your long term boyfriend or husband to know and feel loved and seen then stop talking to him and getting all up in his feelings, you will only frustrate yourself and irritate him and do the reverse of what your intention is. Instead take action and show him your love!!!
I have come up with a list of nine easy and yet often overlooked action items that women can take to show their man how loved, appreciated, respected and accepted he really is. So if you are serious about opening up your man’s heart and making him “feel” then try out these things.
9 Things That Show Your Man Your Love & Acceptance So He Truly Feels It!
Space to Decompress – How often does your guy get home from work and get thirty minutes to “just be” – to settle into being home, being husband, father, fixer of things? Many times we women have had a long day of our own and we are exhausted from everything that we have been holding together and doing for work, family. friends, community and our partner that we are mentally, emotionally and often even physically tapped out by the time he gets home. All we want is to have him watch the kids for thirty minutes so that we can take a shower, surf on social media without being interrupted or something else. The last thing we think of is that he needs the same, and many women will build up envy and bitterness toward their man because he seems to get to escape all these chores that are must does and demands made on the woman by him getting to go to work, and just close the door to everything else because he knows she has it covered. So we justify our unsavvy approach to get our needs met, making ourselves believe that we deserve it and that his life is easier than ours. Ladies, this approach hardly ever gets us what we want or need from our man, and it certainly does not show our love or appreciation of him.
Caregiving – I see more often than not women getting upset that they have to be a caregiver to their husband or long term boyfriend, saying that they did not sign up for such a thing in the relationship. My response to this is, “ how would you feel if he felt this way toward you?” Relationships are living breathing things and anything that is alive needs to be cared for. I see women often getting caregiving and parenting confused. We are not in a relationship with our man to be his mother most certainly, and nothing is further from sexy than getting stuck in a parenting role with your mate, however caregiving is vulnerable for the one receiving it. And just think of that, your man being vulnerable. That’s sexy! If you see it as such. Caregiving can be formulated in many ways and it does not always mean that someone has to be sick or hurt, it means that we pay attention and make offers. Something as simple as asking your guy, “ Hey I am running some errands today, is there anything you need done that I could take care of for you?” Can go a long way and make him feel appreciated and seen.
Let him do things around the house – Many of us women wish our guy would wash the dishes, but when I speak with men I hear how when they try to do something like the dishes their wife or girlfriend does one of a three things: a) They complain that he is doing it wrong or differently, not as good. b) They take the job away from him and say no, no, don’t. c) They go into pity and cannot receive it in gratitude. Any of these do not make the man feel valued, appreciated or seen. If his woman cannot allow him to help with household tasks without one of the above instead of a simple “Thank You,” then it will make the man not want to help anymore. The reward of appreciation is replaced with the reprimand of not being good enough. The right answer, the answer of showing him your love is to let him do it differently, let him do it slowly, let him do it however he wants too, he is not you, but he is wanting to be of service and help and ease your life because that is what good men want to do for the woman they love.
Do things he likes/enjoys that he wants – He wants you by his side. That is why he chose you. He wants you to be part of your lives together and part of his life. He wants to share his likes and interests with you, but sitting down and having a heart centered pow-wow is not his style, taking action and doing however is his style and speaks love like nothing else. Recently I had a male client of mine tell me how loved he felt when his wife who hated fishing would go with him anyway. He said she never caught a fish, instead she tied her floaty to his boat, took her favorite book and tanning lotion and just chilled while he was fishing. Just having her there with him is what he wanted and the fact that she did this made his heart smile. Next time you guy asks you to come see his work in the yard, watch him while he works on the car or cleans the garage just say yes. It will tell him more than your words ever could.
Create Small Rituals – The word ritual feels overwhelming to most of us, but it does not have to be that way. Rituals are nothing more than routines that are not scheduled. Small things that you consistently do just to say , “ I love you.” One of my favorite rituals I do with my partner is every so often, when the time is right and I make it to our nighttime bathroom routine before him is to put toothpaste on his toothbrush and set it by his sink ready to go for him. It’s something so small, but what it says is I want to ease your life. I was here and I did not just think of myself, but I thought of us, of you too and took the extra step to show you. Such small rituals can be added throughout your life together, all that is required is a desire to pay attention and act on being helpful or finding ways to connect.
Put Him First – Your intimate relationship, marriage or domestic partnership is to be your priority relationship. You are not “doing life” with everyone else in the world, just with him. Your big goals and desires are built on the foundation of the two of you. You are supposed to have each other’s backs, yet so many of us women fall short of putting our man first in our lives. We let friends, community, family and even work come before him. Now I am not saying that if you have made big plans with a friend that’s been known for months to just drop them to watch a movie with your guy because he wants to stay in and would like you there, but what I am saying is that if you told friends that you could pop by for a drink after work and your guy says he would like to go to the movies with you that you need to choose him. This also plays a role in the land of boundaries around your home and relationship, look at how anything you are considering impacts your relationship first, then go from there.
Let him make you laugh – He used to make you smile and laugh and now you are so serious. Your smile and laugh makes him feel like he is a man, he is getting it right and pleasing you. Your smile ignites his heart and soul and when you don’t let yourself soften and enjoy his goofiness the way you use too, he feels less loved, supported, seen and appreciated. So laugh. Smile. Get goofy and play more with him. You both need it and it says, “I love you!” to a man.
Take initiative on dates & sex – I get it, you want him to lead. You don’t want to have to plan something else out, you want to be courted and romanced. I get it, I do. We women need and adore this and it’s what many of our relationships are founded on. However, men love it too and it says that you desire him, you know him and you love him. You want to spend time with him and you are confident in showing him so every now and then you take initiative. Men really adore being come on too, they love a woman who not always but occasionally leads the show in these areas, so do just that and in reward he will get more into courting you again as well. He will see you in a new light and feel loved.
Oral sex – Want your man to really feel loved and accepted then going down on him is a sure fire way! Rare is the man who will not be a yes to a BJ. Why is this though, you may wonder? It allows your guy to tap into his primal nature, he wants to conquer you in the bedroom and he feels power and strength during this act. Next, men are visual creatures, they love seeing us in this fully vulnerable, surrendered and giving state. If you make eye contact and give some moans then he will be all the more captivated and ignited. Nothing is more intimate than taking your man in like this, his very organ that makes him a man and you are fully accepting of it, therefore of him, all of him because in your actions and completion you say just that – I accept you. BJ’s are extremely vulnerable for men as well and force them into a state of surrender, they are trusting us with this delicate piece of themselves and they are feeling. Truly feeling. A woman who gives like this with enthusiasm and attention opens her man’s heart to its greatest depths.
In closure, if you are a woman who is looking for how to reveal your love to your man and just can’t seem to get him to open up emotionally to you and “talk,” then know that you are approaching love, relating and emotions from a feminine point of perspective and your guy does not speak your language. He can learn your language for you to feel loved, seen and appreciated but he will not feel the same way about it. For him to feel loved, appreciated and seen as a man, you have to take action and show him your love. Hopefully, these nine things will help you to get creative and communicate with your guy so that he can hear you.
Wanting to understand the sexes better? Wondering why, just why do men and women truly act/ view and treat love, sex and relating so differently? Our differences can create massive frustration and a loss of hope in having a happy and healthy relationship container. The answer is learning ourselves and each other. Want more tips and knowledge, free workshops and education. If you are single JUMP INTO MY FREE GROUP Now, at link. COUPLED? Grab your free consultation to explore how couples coaching can assist you in leveling up your love life today! DM to book that now!
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