Dear Mr. Could This Be Love,
There is no such thing as a love language being money. What I am hearing from your words about your relationship and how you are providing and protecting your woman in the fashion that men so often do and “should” to provide safety, security and love are beautiful and full of commitment.
Relationship certainty brings with it a responsibility for each other and a desire to want to provide all that we can for the ones we love, with that said, when one partner is expecting the other to always uphold the financial aspects of their lives it is a revealing of a dependency and expectation that has nothing to do with love but with need.
When a partner (spouse, domestic partner or girlfriend) has such an expectation and even says such things such as, “I will not let another man in as long as you are financially providing for my life.” It clearly says that it is not love. Instead, the message here is that I am providing you a service of sex, connection and relationship until you do not fulfill the service that i am wanting and needing which is money.
When we are in a domestic union or marriage, then money becomes the units for the most part. It is team work and a building of the relationship and life together. It also means that there are goals for a future and vision. However, when a girlfriend is requiring a man to provide financially for her life, and there are not long-term goals and a vision to come together this changes.
I am pretty traditional in my views on masculine and feminine responsibilities in relationships. I believe that men need to acquire and maintain a woman’s respect and care for her during the whole relationship, part of this is financial responsibility to a degree. A man leading the physical direction of the relationship often looks like him taking care of dates, special events and romantic items. Another aspect of this, is if said man can help his girlfriend out occasionally with things that she may need to better her life, then it is kind and loving, showing his commitment to her and love of her. However, it does not mean to provide her entire well-being and living.
We all can get into some tough situations, the loss of a job, car issues, health issues, different changes that can cause us to have to ask for help and get support from those we love. And at times like this, it is powerful for a partner to step up and help. With that said, again, the expectation of it should not be there, as it makes the relationship not about love but about commerce.
The idea that money is a love language is simply not accurate. Although it could be argued that you providing her living is an act of service, it is not a healthy expectation or requirement on a relationship. It creates a disrespect and loss of desire in the woman because she is able to make demands and turn her man into a doormat.
So, what should you do Mr. Could This Be Love?Stop being a sugar daddy.
Instead, address what is going on in her life that she as an adult cannot make ends meet and requires this of a relationship at this point in the relationship.
What is her plan for becoming more stable in her own life and feeling secure in her finances?
Is she going back to school?
Is she looking for a better job?
Is she overspending somewhere?
How can she budget better?
Then the next piece to this is why are you in relationship to begin with? And why is she?
Sit down and discuss values, life bendability, a vision and goals for your future together.
How do you as a man define your role in a dating relationship? In a marriage or domestic union?
Know Thyself FIRST.
Understanding, your why as to being in relationship is key. Setting healthy boundaries is next. Addressing the statement of “not letting another man in as long as you are providing for her, ” MUST be addressed, because it shows that the door is open to others and the commitment to you and the relationship is not there.
Asking how can I help you to feel more secure in our relationship and in life outside of just paying for the everyday responsibilities when you are not living together (I assume) is critical.
There is nothing easy in this conversation I must admit.
But allowing yourself to be a sugar daddy with the illusion of commitment and a real loving relationship is not best for you as a man and will taint your life and potential future relationships as well. Creating bitterness and resentment if she is not willing to work as a team and commit to a future.
I hope that this helps you gain clarity in the decisions and conversations that await you in this current relationship challenge.
And know that I am here if you or anyone in such situations need. This topic of financial responsibility and love is a deep topic that stems from childhood wounding and programs created around the self, love and security.
It is what much of my relationship coaching focuses on as it is a symptom of core issues that can be released to create a beautiful, healthy and ignited love-based relationship container.
As always,
Loving you from here.