The question that so many men I find ask these days and women too!
The short answer is absolutely you can find love in your 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and beyond but you have to get clear on a few things first if you want to find “true love” and hopefully these words will assist you in that.
The reality is that people are starting families later as well as locking in their careers later in life. So first start to look at 40+ as the new thirty!
The big question for individuals looking for a partner 40+ is can they find true love or is it too late to find the sort of love story that is also a life story that they had hoped for in younger years?
The answer is still, without a doubt yes!
40 brings with it a number of life changes and perceptions on life, love and relationships that we did not have in our youth. We have history and experience that shapes our perspective on love and a potential partner. Our forties are a bridge from our youth, where we were exploring and learning, to middle age, where we have a better concept of who we are, what our core values and beliefs are and what we want and need in life and from a potential partner.
The vast majority of my clients are 40+ and have met their partner for life as a result of doing the work required in the areas I am sharing here through coaching with me.
Now, there are some things to keep in mind, and you will hear me speak on these frequently. First being, understanding your “why.” There is a drastic difference between those who are commitment or marriage minded and those who are fearful of being alone and are just wanting to feel wanted or dating for entertainment.
Many people who are focused on long-term commitment, domestic union or marriage can feel troubled, even hopeless by being single after 40. Perhaps, you find yourself in this group, comparing yourself to friends and family who appear to be happily married. They have what you want, or are under the belief that you should want. Maybe, you perceive them as lucky.
But let’s step back from these ideas for a moment and come back to the question, “Can you find love, true love after 40?” In order to lean into the right answer for you let’s look at some of the beliefs you may need to unpack that are holding you back from finding the love you want.
–>All the good ones are taken. (I assure you, they’re not.)
–>I had my one chance, and it didn’t work out. Or perhaps your two chances.
–>I have too much baggage/ am too broken for a relationship now.
–>Everyone else in my age group has too much baggage/trauma/ or are broken.
–>Dating takes too much time, effort and money.
–>All women are (fill in the blank).
–>Women only want “yes” men or bad-boys and a certain financial status.
Here is the reality though, finding love after the baby making years is a doorway into some of your most profound, growth years. And this growth comes through our intimate, love-based relationship most often.
You are not coming into this land with nothing, quite on the contrary.
Maybe you have been married and it did not work out for whatever the reason, most likely you have had several romantic relationships and perhaps one significant one. What you have gained from this is life experience and love experience, helping you to define and refine your beliefs, values, boundaries, needs and wants. Something we do not have in our youth.
So often, I hear clients say,” I wish I had known all of this twenty-years ago, I would have made better choices.” But here you are, the age that you are – the cusp or in the heart of middle-age and beyond, and dating alone can sound extremely exhausting with everything else that is going on in your life. Plus, if you are not just looking for the experience of dating and hanging out with someone, but want that partner for life, that will have your back through all the years and life that is still to come, then you most likely are really questioning if it’s possible to find true love at this stage of the game?
–>Here are some essential factors to keep in mind at this stage of life when re-entering the dating arena: <–
Keep in mind where you have come from thus far. Have you ever been married? Are you divorced? Widowed? Or have you fallen in love and hoped it would lead to marriage, but it never did? Your specific experiences with love, relationship and heartbreak will greatly impact your mindset going forward.
Take responsibility for where you are RIGHT NOW! You may be exuding neediness out there in the dating and relating world if you are not comfortable with being single and have a resentment toward it in fact. Often, we view being single as there is something wrong with us, that we are failures – THIS IS NOT TRUE! By embracing your life as a single as an expression of you knowing what is valuable to you with appreciation of what you have, you can and will change your overall energy that you are putting out to others and have more confidence. By looking at even the worst dates as learning experiences and insights as to more clarity of what you want and how you are showing up, you will be able to develop an attitude of greatness versus an attitude of victimhood and failure.
Always, and I mean ALWAYS work on YOU! By being (or becoming) your best version you will attract better quality people that are aligned to you, creating more successful dating opportunities. I am always asking people what they want in a partner and then helping them become a match for this partner. You are not going to jive with someone who is health focused if you are not health focused, or travel focused if you have not traveled or planning it out. Do you want a playful person or someone who is money conscientious? Then you have to do this as well to some degree. In order to get the partner for a lifetime that you really desire, requires you to get out of your comfort zone and become the best you that is aligned to this partner before you ever meet them.
Try looking at all those negative experiences that have bent you to perceive things how you do in a different light. Baggage/trauma/etc. is only toxic and sabotaging only when you don’t take the time and focus to unpack it. By doing the self-reflection work and healing these things through learning how to open them up and find the gifts in them and the lessons, you will find that you don’t walk into that first date as nervous and scared. You will not be on such high guard. But you must deal with these things and learn from them – see how you have allowed them to shape your values, behavior, character and choices. This certainly means developing a mindset of self-responsibility for your life, all of it, and what has happened in it.
Be authentically you ALWAYS. You may have had time and energy when you were in your twenties and thirties to play games and pretend to be someone you were not, but at this phase of life, give it up and just be you! You certainly cannot say that you do not want drama and game players in your life when you are guilty of not being authentic about your values, goals, vision, needs, boundaries, etc. So play smart instead and come out the gates with your truth in everything.
Get Professional help and advice. Let’s face it, we hire professionals for so many areas of our life, but when it comes to love, dating, sex and intimacy we make up excuses because somewhere along the line we were sold this tale that all that stuff should come naturally to us and only people who are really mucked up need the help. This is so far from the truth! Hiring a coach in this area of your life will put you light years ahead of the competition out there and save you potentially years to find the one, plus build confidence and alignment to what you want.
Get real with your expectations and then let them go! The perfect partner is far from a perfect person, just like you. So get clear on what your hidden expectations are and your not so hidden ones. Then let them go and instead look at what your non-negotiables are and values. These will do you far more good then trying to set someone up for failure before you ever meet them.
Can a 40+ year old man find love? Real love? Or can a woman 40+?
The answer is certainly yes! I have witnessed it hundreds of times with my clients and personally experienced it in my relationship with Craig. The answer you need to be trying to attain, is “Can I become the person I need to be, to align to my perfect life partner in love and commitment?
If you would like to explore this in more depth and see how you too can call in love after 40, then reach out to me for a free consultation in the comments here or a DM.
As always loving you from here.
Stop Existing & Start Living.